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Urianger was not a man of direct action nor of direct answer. He kept things close to the chest, preferring to keep secrets secret until an outside influence was needed. Such a habit had always gotten him criticized in the Circle and, after the secret of the Warriors of Darkness, he had been trying to be less so. N’yx’s penetrating gaze certainly helped, silently staring at him until the pinprick feeling on the back of his neck got to be too much to bear. She didn’t like secrets. This she’d made perfectly clear before their friendship evolved to their current entanglement. An entanglement in dire jeopardy for whom the fault lay entirely with him.
His cheek stung where she’d slapped him, her nails catching briefly in his skin. She hadn’t moved back from him, not yet, letting him rest his hands on her hips from where he’d caught her when she swayed. Those eyes, deepest sapphire and brightest gold, sparked at him, the rage and hurt and betrayal of their owner clear.
“I told you,” she rasped, clearing her throat a moment err she continued.
“I told you. Before we started this. No secrets. Not like before. If we’re to do this, if we’re to mean anything to each other, you cannot keep such secrets from me. And what do you go and do? What do you do for the second time?..... Tell me, Urianger!”
He can’t help a wince at her tone, at the fractured pain ringing in his ears. Briefly, his eyes close as he struggles to gather his thoughts but she stops him. Small, strong hands grab his face, jerking him around to look down at her. She does not need to ask again.
“I kept two secrets from thee,” He says, not denying his guilt.
“....Why?.... Why? Did you think I would run? Did you think I wouldn’t fight the light wardens? Did you think I wouldn’t do everything in my power to save the first? To save the others?.... To save you?”
He’s denying it before she even finishes, his hands tightening their grip on her an ilm as though afraid she’ll disappear in a puff of smoke.
“Nay. Twas the very knowledge that thou wouldst sacrifice all that stayed my tongue. When the Exarch… When G’raha Tia spoke of his plan, spoke of his connection to you and his admiration… Thy thoughts registered only briefly as he and I were of like mind. That thou must be protected. That thy life weighs more important in the grand scheme of things,”
Perhaps it was the wrong things to say as pain blossoms on the other cheek. He does not protest, however, turning back to meet her eye as she fists her hands in his robe.
“I would die a thousand times before I let someone sacrifice themselves for me. You know that.”
“Aye. Tis why I shall face thy ire and thy hatred. Tis why I shall do as thou wishes to see reparations made. Even if thou art unable to forgive me. Even if our relationship is sundered to no more than colleagues, ne’er to be more again. Thine heart wouldst still beat and mine eye might still gaze upon thee in the flesh…. Instead of in memory as I stare at the headstone.”
He does not waver in his conviction, even as her understanding grows. Even as she reads between the lines to hear what he isn’t saying.
“You would do all of this again… wouldn’t you?”
“Aye. For thy mind is well known to me. Everything in thy power would be done to find another option, every avenue exhausted while time ticked away. And thou wouldst settle on sacrificing thyself to end the ravages of light, leaving the rest of us to mourn. Despite the cost, I would not see it done.”
“My life is not more important--”
“It is. To me. Thy strength is a beacon in shadow, thy heart a sturdy ship in a tumultuous sea of fear and uncertainty and doubt. Thy determination, thy stubbornness, thy humor. All things that transform yawning darkness to gentle light. I cannot speak for the Exarch, that is a conversation to be had betwist you both. But I would not see thy life snuffed out if there was aught to prevent it. Even if thou wouldst throw thyself upon the pyre to prevent sacrifice.”
The tears she’d been holding back finally slip free, shoulders curling forward and chin falling to her chest. Carefully, knowing his touch is likely not welcome but unable to leave her to her pain, he curls his arms around her, gently drawing her into his embrace. She’s stiff for a moment before her shoulders start to shake, ears pressed tight to her hair and tail reaching to wrap vice-like around his wrist. He says nothing, simply folds himself around her as much as he can, anchoring her as the edges fray a little more. Her fist thumps weakly against his chest, once, twice, three times. A silent reminder that she is angry with him despite how she burrows into his comfort.
“Never again,” she whispers.
He keeps his silence a little too long it seems as she jerks back to glare up at him, tears still rolling down her cheeks.
“Never! Again! Urianger! You talk to me! You talk to me and tell me everything and we come with a plan that sacrifices no one including myself! We come up with contingencies and backup plans and think of every off the wall variable like… like… weasels defeating Emet-Selch because they scare him or some shit! But this… Never… Never again…”
Relief spreads hesitantly in his chest at the implication, thumb stroking the tears from her cheek.
“I give my solemn vow that I shall endeavor not to keep such secrets from thee again, beloved,”
Her face burrows into his chest again, twisting in the negative quickly as he words are muffled against his robe.
“You’ve lost the right to call me that. I’m cross with you. And will be. For a good long while.”
“Tis no less than what I deserve. Until I hath earned thy trust again, N’yx, I shall make whatever reparations you deem necessary.”
Her tail, already tight around his wrist, tightens an ilm more, her forehead pressing harder into his chest. His lips curl into a small, sad smile as he buries his nose in her thick hair. This embrace, tight as it is, as close to his heart as she is, says nothing of forgiveness. Time will speak of forgiveness, of apology upon apology, of soothing deepest hurt and betrayal. And only once time deems it fit, will he see her favor shine upon him again. But until that time he will keep this vow.
“Until thy trust in me is restored, whatever you require of me shall be done.”