Work Text:
…..
“Babe, come on, we’re gonna be late.”
He looked at him with confusion, “What?”
He laughed and lovingly cupped his cheeks to press a sweet kiss on his lips, “You look very cute right now, babe. But we really need to go.”
He pulls away, “No.. I mean.. Where are we going?”
Jaemin stays still.
“We’re having a family dinner at home. Mom can’t wait to see you. She misses you.” he said.
Realization hits Renjun. “Oh.”
Jaemin chuckled. “Yeah. Oh. Get up, Jun.”
Renjun smiles,”Sorry babe, I forgot.. But, wait for me! I’m gonna fix myself quickly!”
Jaemin looked at his lover who disorientedly looking for clothes to wear. “It’s okay, babe. I’ll always wait for you.”
…
“Jaemin.. Why do we have so many gifts again?”
Jaemin licked his lips before turning with a smile.
“Gifts for Chenle and Jisung, babe. You picked so much yesterday from the store and insisted on wrapping it individually.”
“Oh.. I did that?”
“Yes. You don’t want me to help, because you said I’m suck at wrapping them.”
“You are.”
“I am.”
They both chuckled. Until Renjun walks to him and embraces him, placing his chin on his lover’s shoulder. He placed his lips on Jaemin’s side neck and whispered, “Sorry.. I… I forgot..”
Jaemin hugged him tightly. “It’s okay.”
…..
“This is so frustrating. I feel like I’m gonna die.”
“Hey,”
Renjun opens his eyes, “What, loser?”
“Stop saying things like that, love.” he said with a pout on his lips.
Renjun giggled and reached to palm both of his cheeks to lightly peck on his lips.
“Sorry, it’s just so frustrating! I can’t do it!”
“It’s just a simple way of flipping the pancakes, Renjun..”
Renjun rolled his eyes and tiptoes to jump and sit on the high counter table, watching his boyfriend standing, wearing nothing but his favorite adidas jogger pants, trying to flip the pancake.
Renjun waits for Jaemin to turn around before offering him a pout and a cat eye, “But I’m fragile, babe.. I don’t have energy to do so.. I’m small and I’m hungry.. Just do it for me..”
Jaemin gave him a pointed look, “You were the one who presented to make these in the first place. You said you’re gonna give me breakfast in bed.”
Renjun tries to give him more cute looking cat eyes. Jaemin just sighed.
“Why are you doing that anyways? I’m already the one who’s cooking.”
Renjun whistles and laughs.
Until, Jaemin turned off the stove and made his way between Renjun’s legs, as if he’s fitted perfectly there. He circles his arms around his waist. Renjun’s arms around his neck to pull him close.
“You look beautiful..” Renjun whispers above his lips.
“I could say the same damn thing.”
Jaemin catches his bottom lips using his own, and tugging it harshly. Renjun moaned a little. Renjun kisses him deeply and aggressively until both of them break away to catch their breaths.
Renjun closed his eyes for a moment.
“I’m sorry..”
Jaemin holds him tightly, urging him to continue.
“For the past few days.. I just.. I just don’t know what to do, I keep forgetting them.. I don’t know how to do a simple thing correctly, I feel so useless, so I’m sorry..”
Jaemin presses a kiss on both of his cheeks.
“It’s okay, I’m always here. I will help you.”
…..
Renjun opened his eyes after feeling the hotness of the sun peeking through his window, flicking on his skin. He squinted when he suddenly felt a tingling pain in his head. Something forming inside his head that he can’t deduce. He steady himself while laying down, softly pressing the side of his forehead to ease the slight pain, until he heard someone open the door.
“Huang Renjun!”
He slowly whipped his head to see who was disturbing his morning. He rolled his eyes.
“Please don’t roll your eyes on me or I’m gonna pull your eyeballs.” he said while there’s a small smile on his lips.
“Leave me alone, Hyuck.” Renjun said but opened his arms to welcome the intruder.
Donghyuck grinned at him widely and jumped on the bed to cradle Renjun in his arms. “I’m so, so happy for you! I can’t wait for next year! I’m sure your jackass man will go all out and I’m gonna make sure that I will empty his wallet.”
Confused, Renjun pulled himself away from Donghyuck and tilted his head, “Why are you gonna empty his wallet? Jaemin?”
“Ofcourse, Jaemin! Who else? You don’t even have an ex-boyfriends, just flings--anyways, I have a wedding planner friend, Jungwoo, and I’m gonna bribe him to raise his demand so Jaemin--”
Renjun cut him off.
“Why?”
Donghyuck looks at him blankly, “What why?”
“Wedding planner? Wait, Hyuck, I’m lost.. What will Jaemin do with the wedding planner?”
Donghyuck freezes. Renjun stayed silent, waiting for an answer.
“Hey..” a soft voice called from the door.
Renjun sees his boyfriend standing with a black jogger pants with three side stripes, a white shirt sidely tucked in the pants. A bed tray in his hands full of fruits, pancakes with honey, and sweet.
Renjun felt a throb in his head.
“Jaemin.. Babe..” a smile forming in Renjun’s lips
“Donghyuck, I said, I am the one who’s gonna wake him up. Leave us alone.” Jaemin somewhat glared at his best friend and carefully put the bed tray in front of Renjun. He looked at him lovingly.
“Breakfast in bed for my beautiful fiance. Good morning, baby.” he said with a kiss on his forehead.
Jaemin, missing the way Renjun dropped his smile, turned to Donghyuck who had been staring at Renjun.
“Your breakfast is outside, Hyuck. Give us a private moment. Shoo shoo..” Jaemin gestured to shoo him away but he didn’t bulge. Jaemin stomped his feet.
“Hyuck! I will--”
“Jun, are you okay?”
Jaemin stopped and immediately turned to his lover.
“Why? Are you hurt, baby? What’s wrong?” carefully sitting beside Renjun who’s now eyeing the food in front, he touched the tensed shoulders of his lover and massaged it.
“I.. I’m lost.. I.. don’t know.. What’s this? I don’t get it..” Renjun murmured but heard very loud and cleared by the two other men.
Until Renjun looked at him, “Did you propose to me?”
Renjun thought his lover would show an alarming and confused face. Who wouldn’t be? Your lover, asking you, early in the morning, doesn’t have any idea if you did propose.
But Jaemin just held his hands tightly, brushing his thumb on the back of his palm, as if reassuring him.
“I.. I’m sorry.. I.. Jaemin.. Did you?” Renjun added.
Jaemin swallowed thickly, eyes glossy and wandering around.
“I did,” he said shortly.
Renjun gaped and looked at Donghyuck beside them who’s just looking at the floor mindlessly. He turned to Jaemin again, unable to speak up.
Silence just surrounds them as Renjun contemplates what to say, what to ask, and how would he react.
Should he say sorry? Would it hurt Jaemin? His lover?
Should he embrace him? Would that be enough?
Until Jaemin speaks up again, “I proposed yesterday, at the beach, after the dinner, we danced slowly. Sunset was illuminating lights on your face to let me see your beauty, until I couldn’t wait any longer, and during our slow dance, I kneeled in front of you, in front of our friends, and then you said yes to me.”
Jaemin smiled, not fondly, but in sadness. “You said you’re going to spend the rest of your life with me.”
Renjun felt a long tear escaping in his left eye. He opens his mouth to speak.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry I didn’t know… I don’t.. I don’t remember, Jaemin. I’m sorry.. “
Jaemin pulls him slowly to wrap him in his arms, pressing his body weight to his lover, he utters his apologies. Whispering to Jaemin that he did not mean to not remember. That he doesn't mean to not recall what happened yesterday.
Renjun whispered that he loves him. Jaemin hugged him tighter.
Renjun said his sorry one last time using his soft voice.
Jaemin replied. And Renjun felt like it’s familiar, the way Jaemin delivers the words. It tickles Renjun’s heart. It feels like he knows the words, he can feel it. But he doesn’t remember exactly what is.
“It’s okay. We’re going to be okay.”
…..
Jaemin handled it very well at first.
He doesn’t really mind doing all the work, it’s for Renjun anyways.
At first, he thought he could add it as a new routine to his life. Just a simple way of urging himself to continue. That he’s doing this because for their future. His future with Renjun.
He believed he could make it. That they would be alright.
Because as he said, he just added it as a new routine in his life
A routine where he needed to check Renjun. Check if he did take his pills and vitamins on time, check if he bought healthy ingredients to cook for Renjun, to make his favorite meal sometimes. To observe and take note of Renjun's behavior daily.
To embrace his lover when he feels frustrated that he can’t do anything right. To be there, with Renjun in his doctor’s appointments. To be there, beside his lover, who’s taking notes every night, to recall what happened that day, so whenever he forgets what happened, Renjun has notes of it, Renjun wrote all the memories in the notebook.
And every morning, Jaemin would play dumb shit, as if he knows what he would do if Renjun would forget something again, early in the morning. Acting as if it’s okay, it doesn’t matter because he’s ready to help him make new memories anyways.
But there were some days he felt really tired. Sometimes, he feels giving up.
Like what Renjun told him to do so way back.
.....
“You are currently showing symptoms of Dementia, Mr. Huang.”
Renjun’s mishap was heard and his lover beside him instantly intertwined his finger, in any other events, it would make Renjun feel better or less upset, but this time, it isn’t bringing any comfort to him at all.
“Please.. Please, explain further, help us understand.” Jaemin said with pleading eyes.
“Dementia is a common term for memory loss. Or it could be language, or skills. It has seven stages, but as of now, what I can see is, Renjun still doesn’t have it. But he's already showing symptoms of it.” the Doctor said.
“The symptoms could be reversed if treated early, and it depends on the person too.” He spared a glance to Renjun, then back to Jaemin. “I feel like I should not say that you came to me early is a good thing but.. It really is.. We could still figure this out, okay? I will be giving pills and vitamins that he needed to take everyday, just to lessen the sudden headaches and dizziness that he will feel soon. I recommend therapy, but as of now, you both need to talk about it if he wants to do it, if you decided to take it, then I would like to discuss the level of therapy that he will be undergoing..”
Silence filled the room once again, just the shakiness of breath could be heard.
“Does therapy help a lot?” Renjun asked.
The doctor did not answer immediately.
“Jeno, please… just tell us..” Jaemin said.
“I can’t totally say that therapy would make the symptoms go away. I don’t have miracle hands and skills. All I can say is, we have to try everything, until it works.”
“I don’t want this….” Renjun said trembly. It breaks Jaemin’s heart. To see his lover suffering like this.
Jaemin wished he could take it. If he could just grab Renjun’s suffer, he would do it in a heartbeat.
But right now, all he could do is embrace and kiss him, and assure him that Jaemin won’t leave.
Jaemin would be him through the journey.
“Renjun.. Having symptoms doesn’t mean to cut off your dailys. There would be shortage of memories everyday, there would be aches everyday, but we could slow it down, okay? We’ll do everything, okay? I’ll help you, Jaemin will be with you, and you must promise to help yourself too.”
“You know, I won’t leave you both..”: Jeno said.
“We’ll be fine.”
.....
Jaemin doesn’t want to hear it, but he knows he needs to anyway. If he doesn’t want to lose him, he needs to hear and understand how he will deal with it.
“I suggest letting him write everything that happens every day. No miss, no skips, and every detail must be written down. In the first page of his notebook, let him write what was happening to him, his diagnosis. Put a little description and a picture of every single person that is important to him.”
Jaemin finds the courage to ask.
“How long will it last?”
Jaemin sees Jeno’s shoulder slump down but he will pretend he did not see it.
“I… I can’t really decipher it now...”
“Does his brain shut off every time he sleeps at night? And woke up with 100% of his brain deleting everything that happened yesterday?” he desperately asked.
“It will shut off every night after he sleeps, yes. But..with the stage that he has, his brain will delete 40% to 70% of what happened yesterday.” the Doctor answered.
“We can cure it right? Just help him everyday? Remind him everyday and talk to him everyday?” his voice cracks after asking.
The doctor averts his gaze and looks down on the floor, trying to filter the answers in his questions but Jaemin beats him to it.
“Jeno.. “
The doctor sighs and meets Jaemin’s desperate eyes again.
“Jeno.. please tell me…” Jaemin said.
Jeno bites his lower lip and carefully says, “Right now… we don’t have a cure or treatment that can fix the symptoms.”
Jaemin lets his shoulder slump down.Too much information was in his head, but above all, the safety of his lover concerns him the most.
.....
“Just give up… stop trying.. Go away..”
“Renjun, please… Jeno said you need to eat, you did not drink your medicine.” Jaemin said carefully. Not wanting to startle his lover.
Jaemin did his very best to contain his temper, but still, Renjun won’t bulge.
“What’s the use of it anyway? I won’t remember everything soon..”
“Give up.” Renjun said once again.
“Please stop staying that.” Jaemin clenched his fists.
Renjun snapped back at him, “What? You don’t want to hear it? I won’t remember you anytime soon--”
“Then what will happen to me?!” Jaemin shouted frustratedly.
Jaemin threw the food tray that he’s been carrying, convincing Renjun to eat and to take his medicine. Food and soop scattered on the floor.
“If it happens, then what about me?! Where will I go? What will I do? Answer me!” jaemin did not even notice that he’s already crying until he saw himself in the mirror behind Renjun.
“You talk shit like that, like it was the easiest thing for me to do! Me? Giving up on you easily? It’s like you just want a candy, Jun! You’re acting so unfair! You’re so unfair!”
Renjun was stunned. Eyes red, keeping all his tears.
“Jun, I’m trying my best! I’m helping you as long as I can! All I want you to do is just to let me. Please let me help you and help yourself too..”
Jaemin kneeled down to level Renjun’s eyes, he pleaded.
“Jun, I don’t want you to forget me… please, I don't want you to, that's why I’m helping you to stay stable. Please, I don't know what to do If one day.. You woke up 100% shut off…”
Renjun stared back at him. Face blank, but lips were trembling.
“We have so many memories together, Renjun. And we still have so many years ahead, we have plans… it could be delayed but please, please, stop shutting me down, stop making it worse. I just want to help you, let me help. I’m here, I'm staying. So please, please, please…”
Then jaemin leaned his head on his lap, “You’re so unfair… you won’t let me help… stop making me feel like it’s okay to you if you forget me… stop hurting me..”
That night, jaemin let it all out. His frustrations, his feelings, all of him.
He let it out with Renjun in front of him, with his face soaked with tears, slumping on Renjun’s lap, crying hopelessly.
They stayed like that for minutes. Just jaemin crying his heart out while leaning on Renjun, until he feels fingers on hair, massaging his head lightly. He feels a droplet of water on the back of his neck.
“I’m… Im so so so scared… “ Renjun said with a trembling voice.
“I wished it wasn’t me having this shit.. I don’t want this, nana. I don’t want to forget everything.”
Jaemin slowly lifted his head and looked at him, “I don’t want that to happen too, so please just let me help.”
Renjun cupped both his cheeks.
“What will you do if i completely shut off?”
Jaemin closed his eyes, “Jun, I told you, I don’t know--”
“Kim Minjeong.”
Jaemin opened his eyes instantly. Renjun was so pale, his face full of tears, eyes read, slightly trembling after he uttered those words.
“What?”
“Kim Minjeong, 24 years old.”
Jaemin was confused so he let Renjun speak for a moment.
“She’s my colleague, she’s pretty, her skin looks like snow, like in winter…”
Jaemin’s face hardened.
“She’s cheeky and small.. I feel like the two of you will click..”
“Renjun, you’re unreasonably unfair and talking shit right now--”
“I’m not unfair. I’m just talking with possibilities. If… if one day, i would totally shut down everyone and everything… you should know what to do, you should meet her, she’s really nice.”
“I just told you to stop hurting me.. Stop saying things like that…``Jaemin said with a tired voice.
“Just promise me you would meet her someday.. I’ll forget it tomorrow anyways..”
Jaemin stared back at him. Not knowing what to do, not knowing what’s the benefits of promising something to Renjun when he had no plans on taking someone else on a date in the future.
It will always be Renjun.
Jaemin did not promise anything. Just enveloping Renjun with his arms.
.....
One year
“May I know your name, please?”
He opened his mouth to answer but he hung for ten seconds, until he swallowed his saliva and reached something from his sling bag.
He opened the pages. He looks up.
“My.. My name is Huang..” he looks down, again.
“Uhm.. Huang Renjun…”
The person nodded, “and your birthday, please..”
“Uhm.. April 23..” the person in front shakes his head.
Renjun furrowed his eyebrows and looked down again, he moved the page. “Oh, sorry.. March 23, 2000.”
“Are you sure?” the person smiled a little.
Renjun panicked and looked at the notebook again, moving the pages aggressively and he slightly cursed. The person cleared his throat.
“Renjun.”
“Yes?” Renjun looked up.
“Your birthday is on March 23. I just asked again because I want you to be sure.”
Renjun tried to answer, but nothing came up from him so he just nodded. Holding the notebook tightly.
“How are you feeling?”
“I feel… I feel like something is wrong.. I feel tired.. I.. I don’t know..”
“Did you eat earlier?”
“Yes. My boyfriend.. I mean, My fiance visited me at home, he brought my favorite food and lots of fruit.”
“Do you feel any pain from your body?”
Renjun clasped his sling bag harder, and it did not escape from the person in front.
“I know it’s hard, but you have to tell me everything…”
Renjun nodded, “Okay..”
“Tell me what you want me to know, then.”
The person leaned back to show that Renjun can take his time and he will still be there, ready to listen.
“I don’t want to feel this way. I hate that I’m feeling this way,” Renjun said.
“I.. I don't remember what happened yesterday but I remember who I am with. He’s always been with me.. We did something yesterday, and the day before yesterday, and the day… I .. I can’t remember.. I want to remember.. I don’t want to feel this…”
“Who’s your Fiance?”
Renjun stopped talking. He looked at the door.
“He’s outside, he’s currently waiting for me to finish because he said I promised to him yesterday that we’re gonna try fitting suits for our wedding and…”
“Renjun…” Jeno smiled, carefully stopping him from trembling words again.
“What’s his name?” Jeno asked firmly.
“I.. I was with him the whole morning earlier… I.. I called him babe.. But I.. “ Renjun trailed off and was about to open the first page of his notebook when Jeno stopped him.
“Don’t open your notebook, please. I want you to say his name. You know his name, Renjun, just try.”
Renjun licked his lower lip, feeling pressured.
Renjun can feel it.
He knows it. Renjun called him babe, Renjun replied with ‘I love you too’ when he said he loves Renjun and kissed his forehead before entering his Doctor’s office.
Renjun looked around the office, trying to at least utter a name to his Doctor. Until his eyes linger at the rabbit stuffed toy behind his doctor’s chair. Renjun could feel his heart tumbling.
“Nana…” he whispered.
“Who?” Jeno looked at him with hopeful eyes.
Renjun stares back.
“My fiance, Na Jaemin.”
…..
“How did it go?”
Renjun smiled warmly,”I feel fine.”
“Good, I don’t want you to get hurt by trying, just slowly, okay?” a concen expression on his face. Renjun smiled sheepishly.
“You always say that. You say that everyday.”
Jaemin stopped on his tracks.”What?”
What?
Renjun tilted his head,”Why?”
Jaemin blinked a few times, “Nothing.. I thought you said something.”
Renjun just smiled and continued walking, until he spoke again.
“Can we search for nice beaches? Like later?”
“For what?”
Renjun stopped on his tracks and pouted at him.”Jaemin i said I want a beach wedding and you said you want to do it on my own way, so I want a beach wedding! With a pink and white theme, sounds nice?”
“When did you say that?” Jaemin’s voice was so serious, Renjun wanted to laugh.
Renjun scratches his head, “I don’t know the exact date? But maybe i wrote it down, wait.”
“Baby..”
Renjun stopped flipping the pages and looked at him with a sweet smile.
“Jaemin, do you think I should stop writing here? I nearly filled it.. There’s no space anymore…”
Renjun then throws the notebook at the garbage can.
“Why did you do that?” Jaemin asked, eyeballs about to jump out.
“I don’t need it.”
Jaemin feels like he stopped breathing the way Renjun slowly walks to him and whispers, “I don’t need a reminder anymore.”
Jaemin released his breath that he held in.
“You have my picture and my phone number there, even my email account and you just throw it like that… how dare you…” Jaemin said with a shaking voice but Renjun laughed near his ears.
It wasn’t an awkward laugh like what he used to do when he said “I’m sorry, I think I forgot” way back. It’s a free laugh, the one that Jaemin would listen to all day. A laugh of please. A laugh that was free.
“We should move the wedding to next week.” Renjun whispers.
Jaemin embraces him tightly.
Renjun is finally free.