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"Dean."
Dean growled and burrowed his head further into the pillow. "No."
"Dean," Castiel repeated insistently. "We need to talk."
Talking with Castiel never ended well. Hell, doing anything with Castiel never ended well. Unfortunately, there was still that tiny little matter of the apocalypse which trumped Dean's need for a few hours of Castiel-free naptime and so he sat up with a long-suffering sigh. "What's up, Cas?"
Castiel's expression was grave. "I believe you are having homosexual incestuous relations with your brother, Dean. I must put a stop to it."
Dean stared at him.
Castiel stared back, as though expecting Dean to announce, 'Doh! No more brother-fucking for me then!'
When Dean said nothing, Castiel prompted, "Have you ceased your incestuous thoughts?"
"What? Cas, man, I don't have-" He sighed and sat up in bed. If he managed to not die for long enough to have kids, Dean figured he would make an awesome father, judging by how patient he was managing to be when faced with questions that made less sense than some of Sam's clothing choices. "Cas, why are you in my room at-" He squinted at the clock. "-4:13am accusing me of incest?"
"I came to the conclusion that you and Sam were gay."
Dean wasn't entirely shocked - Castiel wasn't the first person to make that leap over the years - but was still baffled by the news of an angelic gaydar. "And you came to this conclusion how?"
"Bert and Ernie," Castiel informed him solemnly. "You told me that they were gay. I thought they may have been acquaintances or allies I had yet to meet so I researched them."
"You researched them?"
"Yes." A frown appeared on his face at the memory. "On the internet. It's very informative."
Not wanting to get into discussions of the internet's true purpose (and thinking Castiel probably wouldn't appreciate YouPorn as much as he did), Dean directed the conversation back to astonishingly homosexual puppets. "So you Googled Bert and Ernie and came up with me and Sam being gay?"
"Yes," Castiel repeated. "It was a logical solution. You and Sam are almost identical to Bert and Ernie." He tilted his head. "Except you and Sam are not puppets."
"Thanks for the update," Dean shot back sarcastically.
"You're welcome."
Dean exhaled heavily and regretted the question before he'd even asked it, "How are me and Sam like Bert and Ernie?"
"Sam is tall like Bert," Castiel informed him. "Out of the two of you, he is also more uptight and prone to mood swings. And while Sam does not have a unibrow, his forehead does draw attention to itself."
Dean listened open-mouthed as he went on, "You are more like Ernie in that you are impulsive, childish and often irritate people. You are also shorter and your ears stick out. Unfortunately I couldn't see Ernie's lower half to examine precisely how bowlegged he is."
"I-" Dean scowled. "My ears do not stick out!"
Castiel opened his mouth to argue and Dean pushed on through the insults, "So how does that make me and Sam gay?"
"You have a very similar relationship to Bert and Ernie. You are frequently together, you bicker, you obviously care deeply for each other, and you sleep in separate beds in the same room." Castiel nodded conclusively. "Therefore, if Bert and Ernie are involved in a gay relationship, it follows that you and Sam are also involved in a gay relationship. And a gay relationship between two brothers would be incest." Yet again, he looked perturbed by this realization. "Please stop it."
With that order relayed, he disappeared before Dean could form any kind of reply.
Dean stared at the empty space at the end of his bed for a long minute before quickly compartmentalizing his horror and slumping back down to sleep.
Sadly, sleep did not come easy, mostly impeded by dreams of Sam-as-Bert making bedroom eyes at him and wiggling his forehead in his direction.
Talking with Castiel never ended well.