Archive of Our Own

Renjun falls in love with Jeno easily.

It's like putting on socks or brushing your teeth. He doesn't have to think about it; it just happens. Effortlessly. Inevitably.

When he thinks back on their six years of friendship, he can recognize the signs he was blind to at the time. The moments he unknowingly fell harder and harder. He doesn't know the exact moment the seed is planted, or exactly how long it takes Jeno to water it with saccharine smiles and shared laughs and late nights spent talking about nothing, but he knows the moment he realizes it's bloomed in his chest, rooted in the space behind his ribcage.

He's nineteen and tipsy, leaving some fraternity party hanging off Jeno. They both drank too much rum, but Jeno holds his liquor better. Renjun's vision blurs around the edges. It rained while they were inside—one of those late September showers that roll in without warning and roll out just the same.

The sidewalk is wet beneath their feet. Renjun's focus is on keeping his feet in a relatively straight line so he doesn't notice Jeno dropping to his knees on the pavement. He loses his balance and barely keeps from falling over by steadying his hand on Jeno's warm back.

"What's wrong?" Renjun asks. He wills the shape of Jeno below him into focus.

"The worms are out," he says. He smiles up at Renjun, pointing at the ground in front of them. The rain has brought the earthworms out, four or five of them he counts, from the dirt to the sidewalk. He watches them move slowly, leisurely, mindless of the danger they could be in.

"It's not safe out here," Jeno says to the worms. He moves each of them into his palm with care before transferring them into the wet grass. He doesn't stop until the sidewalk is clear and then he pulls Renjun to his feet and continues toward their home as if nothing has happened.

Like Jeno is often saving earthworms from being squashed beneath unsuspecting feet at two in the morning. Maybe he is. It does seem like something he would do.

And Renjun is still drunk, but he feels that flower behind his ribcage for the first time, the way the petals brush against his heart, and maybe some of them have fallen into his stomach because it feels ticklish, full, like he might pop. He peers at Jeno beside him, smiling pleasantly up at the night sky, holding Renjun by the wrist. He has to swallow down those petals that threaten to burst free to keep them from staining the ground in front of them.

It's obvious. It's inevitable.

He loves Jeno.

Jeno falls in love with Jaemin so fast that Renjun has trouble pinpointing exactly how it happened.

Jeno comes home with Jaemin following behind like a puppy. He did something similar with an actual puppy when they first moved in—showed up in the living room with a little lost dog in his arms, imploring Renjun to keep it with matching puppy dog eyes. Renjun gave in but their landlord didn't and Jeno gave up the mutt within a week of bringing it home.

No landlord saves him from Jeno wanting to keep Jaemin.

He integrates himself into their friendship before Renjun knows how he feels about him. It becomes Jaemin and Jeno and Renjun, and too soon it becomes Jaemin and Jeno (and Renjun).

He doesn't immediately dislike Jaemin. It would be impossible to. Jaemin is caring, funny, and more than easy on the eyes. He charms waitresses into free drinks, leads a poetry club on campus, and drives a motorcycle. Most importantly he makes Jeno laugh and flush and smile even when he's not around, a lingering effect permeating the air.

All of Jaemin's good qualities easily begin to make Renjun resent him. He's too pretty and too funny. It's obnoxious the way he flirts with waitstaff, slimy even, and who the fuck still writes poetry anymore? Don't even get him started on the motorcycle and how attention-seeking the whole charade is. And yeah, he makes Jeno laugh and flush and smile, but Renjun can do that.

What's so special about Jaemin?

"He's interesting, isn't he?" Jeno asks. He's lovesick. Renjun can hear it in his voice, can see it in the sparkle of his eye. Renjun fights back a scowl behind his glass, feeling as bitter and heavy as the alcohol sitting in his belly.

"He's something," he says. He's drunk enough to be more candid than he normally would but sober enough to regret it when Jeno looks at him earnestly and a little sad.

"You still don't like him," Jeno says. It's not a question. He's gotten it into his head that Renjun is jealous of Jaemin.

He is but not for the reason Jeno thinks. He doesn't respond and Jeno takes his silence as confirmation. He scoots next to Renjun, filling in the spot Jaemin left behind on his trip to the kitchen and throws an arm around his shoulder. Renjun isn't jealous the way Jeno thinks he is, but he'll let him think whatever he wants if it leads to Jeno petting the nape of his neck, his fingers soothing a path through his hair.

"Renjun," he says. Renjun opens his eyes to meet Jeno's imploring gaze, unaware of them slipping shut on their own. "You'll always be my best friend."

He hums and Jeno drops his head to his shoulder, nuzzling against his neck. That's how Jaemin finds them, Jeno playing with Renjun's fingers in his lap. Jaemin smiles at them and Renjun has to swallow down the bile in his throat and the resentment bubbling under his skin.

Jeno can stroke Renjun's hand, rest his head in the crook of Renjun's neck, even place a soft kiss against his jaw, and Jaemin will just smile because they all know Renjun is no threat.

Jaemin makes space for himself on the other side of Jeno. He fits right against him, but Jeno won't reach out to touch him. He's shy around crushes in a way he's never been with Renjun. He's never hesitated to touch Renjun, but with Jaemin he does. Renjun watches him dig his fingers into his thighs, a testament to how badly he truly wants to pull Jaemin closer but won't. He knows Jeno will never make the first move.

It gives Renjun a sick, twisted sense of hope sometimes. There's a chance that Jaemin will never reach out, never offer Jeno the branch he needs to let go, and maybe Jeno will just have to keep those feelings to himself, to ache with it the way Renjun does, to simmer with it until he either burns from the inside out and gives in or fizzles out and gives up.

It's a perverse sort of wish, one that leads him to wonder how and when he's become such a selfish person, and in the end, it doesn't matter. Jaemin makes the first move. Jeno won't have to agonize the way Renjun has.

Jaemin kisses him that night while Renjun is upstairs puking his guts out in the porcelain bowl.

"Jaemin is coming over for dinner," Jeno says.

Renjun doesn't look up from his laptop, still typing the conclusion to his essay, and grunts in acknowledgment. Jaemin comes over for dinner most nights now. Jeno cooks and leaves Renjun a plate in the microwave which he will sneak out to get after Jaemin has gone home. Occasionally Jaemin will come with take-out and Jeno will huff his thanks and kiss the corner of his mouth in the doorway.

"He's bringing a friend," he continues, "so I thought the four of us could eat together tonight."

"Sure," Renjun says. 

Jeno cooks a lasagna for dinner from his mother's recipe while Renjun sits on the counter, watching and stealing spoonfuls of ricotta cheese while his back is turned. He can't resist taking in greedy eyefuls of Jeno's backside while he's bent over the sink. Jeno chose a dark green sweater that wraps snug around his muscles, rolled up his forearms as he washes his hands, and a pair of dark slacks that do wonders for the cut of his thighs.

Renjun is pleasantly warm and hungry. It has nothing to do with the heat of the oven or the admittedly wonderful smell of sausage and marinara filling the room. Without Jaemin here forcing Renjun to reign in his fantasies with his presence, there's nothing stopping him from daydreaming about slinking off the counter and pushing Jeno against the sink, caging him in with his hips and exploring the taut skin of his waist, his firm stomach. Or Jeno could slide between Renjun's legs, fit his whole thighs in each of his hands and carry him from the counter to his bedroom or even the sofa because Renjun wouldn't be able to wait.

Jeno turns around with a curious smile and Renjun flushes as if Jeno can read his mind. He turns the water off, dries his hands, and begins fiddling with a bottle of red wine when there's a series of knocks at the front door. "Would you get that?" he asks, too distracted with the wine opener to lift his eyes from his task.

"I brought dessert," Jaemin says when Renjun opens the door. He's dressed casually in a white t-shirt and jeans, but Renjun begrudges him a full-body appraisal because Jaemin demands attention no matter what he's wearing. Renjun has seen him in polka-dotted pajamas and fuzzy cat ear headbands while still looking undeniably attractive.

The dessert he speaks of is a box of Lemonhead candies and a plastic container of Laffy Taffy. He passes them both to Renjun with a grin.

It's become a tradition between Jeno and Jaemin. When Jeno cooks, Jaemin shows up bearing something sweet beginning with the same letter as Jeno's dish. It starts with a coincidence—on their first date Jeno cooks chicken parmesan and Jaemin brings a box of store-bought cheesecake. Their second dinner date is fettuccine alfredo and French Vanilla ice cream. It continues this way every week—piccata and peanut butter cookies, rib eyes and red velvet cake, Thai curry and Twizzlers.

Jaemin heads straight to the kitchen, and Renjun is prevented from closing the door to follow him as another body pushes its way through. He forgot about Jaemin's friend. He's taller than Renjun with tan skin that looks warm to the touch and brown hair the color of honey parted over his dark eyes. Jaemin laughs from the other room, loud and obnoxious, and the guy rolls his eyes.

Jaemin pokes his head through the doorway and laughs again at the two of them standing in the same spot he left them. "Donghyuck, this is Jeno's roommate, Renjun," he says. "Renjun, this is my friend, Donghyuck."

"We're just dormmates," Donghyuck says. Renjun notices his eyes are rimmed in kohl.

"Shut up, Hyuck," Jaemin says fondly. Renjun twitches when no one moves. Jaemin continues, "Donghyuck is a dance major. And Renjun studies architecture." He pauses. "I think."

He nods. "Yeah."

"That's so boring," Donghyuck says with a snort. "Almost as bad as Jaemin with his poli sci and economics crap."

"It's philosophy, Hyuck, not economics," Jaemin corrects. 

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. "Even worse." 

Jaemin jaunts back into the kitchen without responding, his laughter following him.

"Why dance?" Renjun asks. Nothing about the guy in front of him screams dancer and he's still bristling from being called boring. 

Donghyuck smirks and brushes past him with purpose when he says, "I'm very good with my hips."

Jeno serves dinner and they eat spread around the coffee table in the living room. Jeno stays tucked under Jaemin's arm after they finish. Renjun watches them from his spot on the floor as they feed each other taffy and sour candy. Donghyuck sits next to him, legs tucked beneath him, utterly silent as he scrolls on his phone.

He should have declined Jeno's offer to join them for dinner. He'd be much happier in his bedroom right now. He could have spent the night at Chenle and Jisung's playing video games or visited Yukhei (even if he would have to take two busses to get to his place). Anything would be better than this.

He's helplessly drawn to Jeno even now. He's softer around the edges, if that's possible, after a nice meal, two glasses of wine, and whatever effect Jaemin's hands all over him has.

He hoped that having another person around would subdue Jeno and Jaemin in their affections, but it feels worse, almost amplified in this space where Renjun knows he's the only one who sits rigid and tense, unable to keep his eyes to himself. Donghyuck is no distraction with the way he's been glued to his phone all night, so Renjun is forced to listen to the way Jaemin murmurs in Jeno's ear just quietly enough that he can only make out the timber and the intention.

And the intention is obvious in the way Jeno's cheeks flush brilliantly and his hands run absently over his own thighs. Jeno embarrassed and turned on is a sight he feels drunk on, but he hates that Jaemin is the cause of it. He hates that Jaemin is the reason Jeno squeezes his legs together a little tighter and pulls the neck of his sweater away where it clings to his sweaty skin. 

Renjun wets his lips and averts his gaze to his empty plate before catching Donghyuck's eye. The look he gives Renjun makes him uncomfortable in a whole new way. It's piercing and thoughtful, knowing.

Eventually, he excuses himself to wash the dinner dishes alone as Jeno sees Jaemin and Donghyuck out. Donghyuck said nothing to him all evening and it bothers him for some reason. He wonders why he even bothered to show up.

Jeno finds him in the kitchen as he's putting the dry dishes away. He wears the sort of satiated smile that lingers after spending time in Jaemin's presence. "So," he says, leaning a hip against the fridge, watching Renjun stand on the tips of his toes to reach the cabinet with the plates, "what did you think?"

"About the food? It was great. Not as good as your mom's but..." he trails off with a shrug.

"Not the food; I know the food was good, I watched you inhale it." Renjun keeps his expression carefully blank as he turns to Jeno. "Donghyuck. Did you guys get along?"

"Sure," he says. If one uncomfortable conversation and a few moments of aborted eye contact count as getting along.

"Good, yeah. That's good," Jeno says. There's something he's not saying, shifting his weight between his feet and scratching absently at his chin.

"What?"

"Jaemin suggested going out to eat somewhere next weekend. The four of us."

"I don't know," he says, already thinking of the plans he can make to avoid that. "What's with interpolating me into your dates all of a sudden? Wouldn't you rather spend time with your boyfriend alone?"

Jeno averts his gaze but not before Renjun catches the guilty look in his eyes.

He realizes then what this is, what today was about.

"You're setting me up," he says bewildered. "This was some kind of weird double date."

Jeno smiles sheepishly. "It was Jaemin's plan," he explains. "I didn't think it was a good idea, but he kept mentioning how you haven't been out with anyone in months, and Donghyuck, well. Jaemin thought it would be good for him, too."

Renjun is angry and embarrassed. Angry that Jaemin sticks his nose in things he has no business worrying about. Embarrassed that Jeno thinks him such a lonely basket case that he feels compelled to pass him off on the first available guy he finds.

He uses the moment of silence to compose himself. He knows Jeno means well. Jaemin too, though it hurts him to admit. Jeno has been looking out for him since they were twelve. If he weren't hopelessly in love with him, Renjun might be grateful, but as it is he just feels sick to his stomach.

"I'm not looking for a relationship," he says eventually. "You can tell Jaemin that I'd like to be left out of his matchmaking efforts."

Jeno grabs him by the elbow when he tries to leave. "I'm sorry if we upset you."

"I'm not upset, just tired."

"Alright," he says, releasing Renjun. "I'm a little relieved, honestly. He doesn't seem like your type at all."

"No," Renjun says. He searches Jeno's face for some kind of intent but he looks as earnest as always. "He doesn't."

Renjun runs into Donghyuck a week later at the theater downtown that screens older movies. He's come to watch Pulp Fiction, alone as Jeno has a date and the rest of his friends would have laughed if he'd asked them to join.

Someone takes the seat next to him when the lights dim and he has the time to marvel at the absurdity of some stranger choosing that seat when the theater is almost entirely empty before he realizes who exactly that stranger is.

"Oh," he says when Donghyuck regards him with a quirk of his lips, not quite a smile but not hostile. "Hey."

"Hi," Donghyuck says. "Figured you'd be here. This place is always crawling with your kind."

"My kind?"

"Nerds," he says. "Geeks, if you will. Usually, it's just pretentious film majors, but you fit in."

"Fuck off," he mumbles, not too offended when Donghyuck laughs in response.

Donghyuck reclines in his seat as the lights dim, casual and relaxed. He sits with his legs spread, his right calf against Renjun's outstretched leg.

Renjun spends most of the time watching Donghyuck out of the corner of his eye. He's always had this problem when watching movies with someone else, so focused on the person's reactions to scenes that he barely pays attention to the movie itself.

He's disappointed when halfway through the movie Donghyuck pulls out his phone, brightness all the way down, reading a string of messages that Renjun can't decipher from his position.

"Bored?" he asks. On screen, Vincent and Mia sit across from each other at Jack Rabbit Slim's, eating and smoking. 

Donghyuck regards him with a raised brow. He turns his phone off and sticks it into his pocket, turning back to the screen without a word.

A few minutes later he says, "Not bored, just so you know. A friend of mine texted me. He was supposed to come with me today, actually, but ditched at the last minute for this girl he's been obsessing over."

"Texting you to tell you how much he regrets not coming?"

"Not even close," he grins. "I had to threaten him to get him to agree to come in the first place. Just wanted to warn me not to go back to his after this because the date went well and he'll be..."

"Preoccupied," Renjun supplies.

"I was going to say he'll be fucking her into the sofa," Donghyuck says, "but that works too."

Renjun snorts, loud and unattractive, and someone in the back shushes them. 

Donghyuck sighs and melts further into his seat. "It's bad enough that I have to worry about walking in on Jaemin and Jeno all the time. Somehow Mark is worse and we don't even live in the same dorm."

Renjun's brain goes a little haywire at the mention of Jeno in this context.

It's not that he ever thought the two of them were celibate or something, not with the way they're always touching at all times even in public, but it's something he hasn't allowed himself to truly acknowledge or think about in detail—

Jaemin and Jeno having sex.

"Sorry," Donghyuck says after a beat. "I'm sure you don't want to think about that."

"It's fine," Renjun says.

They watch the rest of the movie in silence. Renjun's mind is full of everything except the movie as the lights begin to brighten and the few people around them exit the theater. Donghyuck clears his throat and stands beside him, hands in his pockets, and Renjun follows after him.

"Got plans after this?"

"No?" Renjun answers hesitantly.

"Good because neither do I anymore and Jaemin called dibs on our dorm for the evening so I'm coming home with you." Renjun follows Donghyuck out of the theater, slightly dazed at this progression of events. "I'll let you pick the next movie we watch as long as it doesn't suck."

They watch The Boondock Saints (Renjun's choice) and then To All the Boys I've Loved Before (Donghyuck's choice). Donghyuck spreads himself out on the couch looking like he lives there. Renjun sticks to the floor, back against the sofa, where Donghyuck's knee occasionally grazes the back of his head. Donghyuck talks constantly throughout the movies but Renjun doesn't mind because everything he says either makes him laugh or gives him something to think about that he hadn't ever considered before.

Donghyuck leaves after ten and they exchange numbers with plans made to hang out in a few days.

Jeno returns while Renjun is cleaning up their mess of blankets and Donghyuck's empty chip bags. He stops to stare at Jeno.

He's always been such an easy read, letting his emotions and thoughts flit across his face without a filter. Renjun both loves and hates this. Tonight he hates it because he can see everything Jeno spent the evening doing with Jaemin. There are the obvious tells: his mussed hair, the bites on his jaw and under his collar, two of his shirt buttons done up in the wrong order. And the quieter things, the things Renjun has learned to interpret from years of studying Jeno inside and out. The way the lines of his face have smoothed out, the slack of his mouth, the faraway look he gets in his eyes when he's daydreaming.

"I hear you're hanging out with Donghyuck now," he says when Renjun looks away.

"Yeah. I ran into him at the theater today."

"And you invited him home?" Jeno asks bemused.

"He invited himself. We just watched movies."

Jeno plops down beside Renjun, watching him intently as he fiddles with the twice folded blanket. He wants to fix the buttons on Jeno's shirt, pull up the collar so he can't see the blossoming marks, comb his hair back in place—but worse than that is how much he really wants the opposite. He wants to mess him up further, undo everything Jaemin took his time doing and watch Jeno fall apart under his own ministrations.

"So... was this a date?"

Renjun would laugh if not for the earnestness of the question. 

"It was definitely not a date. Neither was that awkward dinner you put together last week." Jeno opens his mouth to speak but Renjun stops him. "Seriously. I don't know if Jaemin realizes this, but you should let your friends know beforehand if you intend to force them into a blind date. I don't think Donghyuck even knows that was the plan."

"Probably not," Jeno agrees. "So you're just friends then?"

Renjun shrugs and sits next to him. "I guess."

He mirrors Jeno's posture, leaning back and turning his head to look into his eyes. They sit in comparative silence, watching each other as they relax, the tension Renjun wasn't aware he was holding melting away when Jeno smiles at him.

"As long as you're happy, I don't care about the rest," Jeno says. He reaches out, blindly searching for Renjun's hand, interlocking their fingers. "I love you, you know? I don't want you to feel like we're pressuring you into a relationship. I won't let Jaemin interfere again; no more surprise double dates."

"Thanks," he says, swallowing heavily. "I am happy."

How could he be anything but, with Jeno's fingers threaded through his, that flower behind his rib cage pulsating in pleasure.

Donghyuck visits twice the following week to binge movies. Jeno hangs around the first time, not even watching the TV but sneaking looks at Renjun out of the corner of his eye in the least inconspicuous way possible, frowning more than Renjun can begin to understand, before leaving halfway through to meet up with Jaemin.

The next time they hang out it's to get coffee before Renjun's 9 A.M. lecture. Donghyuck complains about being awake so early and blames his friend, Mark, who joined an early morning yoga class for the hot instructor and somehow coerced Donghyuck into going with him. So Donghyuck stands in front of him in a pair of skin-tight yoga pants relaying their order to the barista while Renjun blinks stupidly at the curve of his ass.

Jaemin and Donghyuck both mention this Mark guy a lot; apparently, Donghyuck's best friend although Renjun has yet to meet him. The way Donghyuck talks about Mark, you wouldn't think they were close at all, but Renjun has come to realize he does that with those he's fond of.

What he learns about Mark fits in three points: he's part of an underground hip hop collective, he was valedictorian in high school, and he has a terribly messy love life.

"And," Jaemin says occasionally, never when Donghyuck is present, "Donghyuck has been obsessed with Mark since freshman year."

Coffee becomes a regular thing, like the movie viewings they regulate to every Monday and Thursday night. On mornings when Renjun wakes up late, struggling to get dressed in time for class, Donghyuck will be waiting outside his apartment with an iced caramel macchiato for Renjun and something hot and sugary for himself.

"You have a disgusting sweet tooth," Renjun says, both in awe and abhorrence.

Donghyuck licks up the whipped cream that drips on his fingers and blinks at Renjun when he clears his throat and looks away. 

Coffee turns into dinner. It's nice to no longer dread seeing Jaemin at his front door because now Donghyuck trails behind him. Donghyuck saves him from brooding alone in his room, or worse, being forced to watch Jaemin and Jeno tease each other between bites of pasta.

Donghyuck isn't quiet about his distaste of their abhorrent PDA. He rolls his eyes, laughs and points, groans and covers his eyes. It makes Renjun smile but he can tell it upsets Jeno by the red tint to his cheeks and the stiff set of his jaw. Jaemin remains unbothered and continues to press kisses behind his boyfriend's ear like Donghyuck and Renjun aren't in the room.

Renjun realizes that Jeno doesn't really like Donghyuck, but he doesn't do anything but frown when Renjun brings it up in conversation. He doesn't understand why he dislikes Donghyuck because Donghyuck is funny, smart, and gets along with the rest of their friends like he's been there all along.

"Not everyone has good taste," Donghyuck says when Renjun mentions it. "Including you since you're in love with the guy."

Time screeches to a halt. Renjun's heart misses a beat before picking up in overtime. "What?"

"It's fine," he says, patting Renjun on the thigh. "Did you think you were hiding it?"

"I—" He struggles to swallow, on the verge of losing the lunch he just finished eating. 

"It's sweet really," Donghyuck continues like Renjun isn't close to passing out beside him, "but you can do so much better."

"It's not..." He closes his eyes, willing his heartbeat to return to normal. "Please don't say anything."

Donghyuck smiles around the straw of his soda.

It takes five minutes of being in the same room as Donghyuck and Mark to realize what Jaemin meant.

Donghyuck likes Mark.

Mark who is painfully straight and keeps Donghyuck up to date on his quest to find, or at least fuck, the right girl.

He doesn't know if that would make it easier or harder to deal with. He's known Jeno was gay as long as they've been friends and it fuels the stupid fantasies his brain comes up with because he can convince himself it's not out of the realm of possibility. If Jeno likes men, and Renjun is a man, that's one less obstacle to cross.

Donghyuck, on the other hand, has never stood a chance.

Renjun feels sorry for him but more than that he wishes he could slap Mark on the back of the head; he's so oblivious. He doesn't see the way Donghyuck stares at him when he laughs unabashedly, the longing and want (and sadness that will always be there behind it all). He doesn't notice how Donghyuck is always reaching out to touch him, briefly and most likely unconsciously as if to remind himself that Mark is real and in front of him. He certainly doesn't realize that when he leaves to use the bathroom Donghyuck stares so hard at the way his jeans hug his ass tight that he doesn't notice Renjun trying to get his attention.

Donghyuck begrudgingly tears his eyes away to meet Renjun's. Whatever he sees on his face makes him roll his eyes skyward and sigh.

"How long?" Renjun asks.

"Too long," he says with a dark laugh. "Almost two years." He's defiant even in this admission as if he's daring Renjun to make fun of him.

"Four for me," Renjun says. He can't help but laugh. It's embarrassing to admit it, and the sudden hopelessness of his situation is made funny by the five shots sitting in his belly.

The fierceness in Donghyuck's eyes softens and he nods, sharp and quick. He swallows almost audibly even in the loud, overcrowded club, and leans in. "I don't want to do this for another two years."

"No," Renjun agrees, clinking their glasses together in some sad ass toast, "me either."

There are times when Renjun is alone that he allows himself to think about what he's doing with his life.

He's never had a serious relationship. He's never had a relationship at all unless you count one-night stands that end in awkward goodbyes, and here he is wasting the prime of his youth pining over his taken best friend. Acknowledging his feelings for Jeno doesn't stop him from occasionally seeking out a nighttime companion, but there comes a point when it's no longer worth the hassle.

Dressing in his tightest jeans and silkiest shirts that cost more than he can afford and walking past Jeno to leave the house, that fleeting hope that maybe this time he'll look at Renjun and realize what he's missing, only for Jeno to smile and wish him luck. Sitting at the bar waiting for anyone to strike his interest; ignoring the greasy men who stick hands where they don't belong and think he can be pushed around because of his size or appearance. More often than not he goes home alone and plastered and falls asleep in bed with his pants still on, but sometimes he finds himself in the bathroom or an alley with a pretty boy under him.

Sometimes those pretty boys want more—a number, a goodbye kiss, or a future date, but Renjun doesn't entertain the idea.

As a child, he mocked stories about soulmates, about being made for another person, someone who would fit you in every way. He still doesn't believe in soulmates, but Jeno is probably the closest thing he'll ever find. Jeno makes him feel understood, cared for, and loved. Just not in the way he wants. (And he does want, deeply, impossibly so.) Jeno fits into every indentation of his life, a perfect half, and Renjun has to wonder what it is exactly he's missing.

Those days he will allow himself to think about it, to compare. The differences between him and Jaemin, the similarities. To make a list of every facet of his personality and appearance, what he's lacking, and how he can change it. But he doesn't change, not really, not beyond the (very embarrassing) week he decided to use the fruity vanilla scented shampoo Jaemin left behind in their bathroom—an experiment that bore no fruit as Jeno never commented on it or seemed to notice. He doesn't really want to change because Jeno does choose to be with him. He has chosen it every day for the past ten years—to be his friend, his best friend, the person who gets to know him in and out and see him at his worst. Renjun refuses to lose that.

He wants Jeno in whatever way he can have him, even if it never feels like enough.

There are also times when Renjun wishes maybe he had never met Jeno.

Briefly, momentarily, never for very long before he realizes he's being selfish because Jeno has given him some of the most important moments in his life.

(The time in tenth grade when Renjun's parents separate and Renjun calls Jeno at one in the morning. Jeno doesn't answer and Renjun hangs up without leaving a voicemail, unable to speak without breaking down in tears, and instead of returning his call, or texting, Jeno shows up on his doorstep soaked to the bone and panting from the run over. Renjun stares at him perplexed, eyes red and puffy before Jeno pulls him into a hug.

Renjun eventually asks him how he knew to come over.

"I didn't, not really. I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep and then I saw you'd called me. You never call. So I came right over.")

But there are bad moments too.

The four of them are at a bar because Jeno says the clubs are too sleazy and Jaemin thinks shitty places like this have "a nice ambiance." Donghyuck and Renjun stick to one side of the table, Donghyuck flicking peanuts at the floor and Renjun swallowing beer faster than their waitress can keep up with. Jaemin and Jeno sit across from them; Jeno is almost in Jaemin's lap, squished together tighter than a pair of conjoined twins. Jeno is more affectionate when he's tipsy, something that is made worse being around Jaemin because Jaemin is always disgustingly clingy.

Renjun avoids spending too much time looking at the couple across from him and peruses the other patrons. It's crowded, as any bar near a college campus will be on a Friday night, and people come and go quicker than Renjun can count. There is one guy he's seen multiple times in the last hour, always moving around to different booths, standing with multiple groups of people and chatting. Renjun catches his eye once as he waits in line for another drink and the guy smirks at him; not greasy like Renjun is used to but genuine and flirtatious. He winks before disappearing back into the crowd.

Jaemin, eager-eyed and grinning, leans into the table like he's discovered something delicious. "That guy was checking Renjun out."

Jeno blinks and looks around. "Who?"

"Him," Jaemin says, pointing near the door where said guy is laughing with a blonde girl with butterfly clips in her hair. "The big one who looks like he's about to knock someone over with his flailing arms."

"Really?" Jeno asks. He follows Jaemin's direction to the stranger and turns to Renjun with a smile, less wolfish than Jaemin's but just as interested. "He's cute. Don't you think?"

Renjun looks down at the small gulp of beer left in his glass and shrugs.

"He is cute," Jaemin says, "and interested. He's been sizing Renjun up since he came in."

"Maybe he has Prosopagnosia," Donghyuck says. "He has to keep looking because as soon as he looks away he forgets his face."

Renjun snorts and Donghyuck shoots him a grin before returning to his peanut flicking.

"You should go talk to him," Jeno says. He's got that look in his eye he gets when he thinks he's doing Renjun a favor.

"I don't think so. I didn't come out to pull. I came to spend time with my friends."

"Why not do both?" Jaemin asks. "He could be a friend."

"He's twice the size of Renjun," Donghyuck says, "he'd lose him before the night was over."

Jaemin glares at Donghyuck. Renjun hides his laugh by downing the rest of his drink.

"It might be nice," Jeno says. "I know you said you aren't looking for a relationship, but it's been a while since you've even brought anyone home."

He flushes, a hot sticky discomfort sliding down his spine. He purses his lips in an effort to bite back something that would only embarrass him more come tomorrow. He could go over and take this guy home as some kind of twisted retribution but he doesn't want that. Jeno might want him to, but Renjun just wants...he just wants to go home now.

Donghyuck scoffs in the silence. "Hello? Did you forget about me?"

All three of them stare at him.

"I’ve spent more nights in Renjun's bed lately than I have in my own."

Jaemin rolls his eyes. "That doesn't count when all you do is watch movies."

Donghyuck says nothing and the silence is loaded. Renjun says nothing because he doesn't know what Donghyuck is trying to do.

"Right?" Jeno says, his frown deepening. "Renjun's not..."

"Not what?" Donghyuck asks. He leans forward on his elbows, eating up every change of emotion across Jeno's open book of a face.

"Not fucking you," Jaemin says as crude as Renjun's ever heard him speak. "I know you aren't; not when you still look at Mark like he hung the moon in the sky."

Renjun squeezes Donghyuck's thigh, uncomfortable now for the both of them, but Donghyuck just shrugs, still smiling pleasantly. "Who knows what Renjun and I do when we're alone. And you know," he says, pushing away his half-empty bowl of peanuts and pulling Renjun up by the wrist, "I think we're gonna go home now. You'll pay for us, yeah?"

He's pulling Renjun out into the cool streets before any of them can breathe.

"What was that?" Renjun demands. He let Donghyuck pull him a block away before yanking his wrist from his grip. "Jeno's going to think we're—"

"So?"

Renjun opens and closes his mouth. Donghyuck stares at him.

"Why does it matter if Jeno thinks we're fucking?"

"Because we aren't?" he asks in exasperation. "I told him there's nothing between us. He's going to think I lied to him."

"Did you see the way he looked at you? He was jealous."

Renjun barks out a disbelieving laugh. "Are you joking?"

Donghyuck could not be more wrong. Jeno, who has never looked at Renjun as more than a friend, has no reason to be jealous. It's absurd. Donghyuck continues to stare at him unamused and Renjun's laughter ceases.

"He just tried to set me up with some random guy for a one-night stand! What part of that implies jealousy?"

"A one-night stand you would never see again. How often do you bring hookups out to drink with your friends or even talk to them the morning after? But if we've slept together and yet you keep me around...that implies something totally different, doesn't it?"

Renjun shakes his head. He doesn't understand what Donghyuck is getting at and the alcohol clouding his brain is making it difficult to sort through his thoughts properly.

"What— what's your point?"

He shrugs. "I don't have one, but it's just interesting to me. He's at the bar with his boyfriend and he doesn't want to think about it—about us, sleeping together—but now he is. I think it upsets him more than he even realizes."

Renjun swallows and leans against the closest building, the brick cool against his overheated skin. Donghyuck looks him up and down. Renjun has the strangest feeling like Donghyuck can see right through him.

"You like that idea. You want him to be jealous over you."

Renjun tries to say no, of course not. It gets tangled up in his throat and all that comes out is silence, heavy in the night around them.

It does thrill him a little. The idea that he might have enough power over Jeno to make him feel that way, even if he doesn't fully believe it and he definitely doesn't understand it.

"If you really want to make him jealous, we could."

"You want us to...what, have sex?"

He shrugs again like he couldn't care less either way. "If you think it's good now, imagine how it would feel if he had a real reason to be upset. Not that there's any good reason for him to be upset when he has a boyfriend, but your relationship is weird as fuck."

Renjun goes to argue but Donghyuck sidles up to him, turns Renjun's head toward him so he can look into his eyes.

"Do you think it's normal to live with your best friend when you know he's helplessly in love with you?"

"He doesn't. He doesn't know that," Renjun says. He grabs Donghyuck by the wrist, intending to pull his hand off his jaw but doesn't move further than that.

"Then he's a fucking idiot."

"He's not," he replies automatically. Jeno can be naïve and oblivious, but he's not an idiot.

"No, I don't think so either."

Renjun sucks in a harsh breath as Donghyuck looms closer, their faces so close he can make out the misshapen line of his eyeliner as if his hand shook in the middle of applying it. "He knows?"

"I think he does," Donghyuck says softly, the words but a whisper between them. "He knows and he lets you stay here and pine."

He closes his eyes, letting Donghyuck's words swim around in the swamp that's currently his brain. It's hard for him to concentrate on much when he can smell Donghyuck's shampoo or cologne like this—sweet and tangy; he licks his lips as if he can taste it. 

"Why?" It's all he can think about. Why would Jeno continue to do the things he does with him if he knows? It would be cruel, so cruel, to continue to touch Renjun the way he does, to continue to live with him and let him yearn and hope and never say anything.

"It must be a nice ego boost," Donghyuck says, now tracing the outline of Renjun's jaw with his thumb, "to have someone around constantly who looks at him the way you do. Someone you know would always be there...just in case."

Renjun flinches at that, squeezing his eyes closed tightly. "That's not..."

"Hm?"

He looks down at Donghyuck's lips and back. "What about Mark?"

"This isn't me being selfless," he says with a smile. "I haven't been laid in months because I'm always— he takes up too much space in my head, too much of my time. I think we could help each other out."

"You want to use me to get over him."

"Does that bother you?"

Renjun shakes his head. "No. Take me home."

Donghyuck pushes Renjun against his bedroom door as soon as it shuts behind them. He latches onto Renjun's neck immediately, aggressive in the way he presses kisses there, drawing the skin between his teeth so Renjun hisses.

"We should set some rules," Donghyuck mouths into his collarbone.

"Y-yeah, okay," Renjun says, gripping Donghyuck's ass through his tight jeans.

"No kissing," he says. "Too personal."

Renjun's responding laugh turns into a groan when Donghyuck licks at the soft spot below his ear before biting the lobe, his teeth sinking right below his sole earring. "More personal than what we're about to do?"

Donghyuck grins and pulls Renjun toward the bed before pushing him down with one hand to his chest. Renjun scrambles backward until his skull bumps the wall and Donghyuck climbs over him, poised on top of him looking down with a predatory glint in his eyes. He nuzzles his face into Renjun's thigh, slipping his fingers into the band of Renjun's jeans. 

"Rules," Renjun manages to gasp out when Donghyuck playfully bites him through his pants. "Before you forget."

"Right." Donghyuck hums contemplatively, slowly unbuttoning and unzipping Renjun's jeans before pulling them, and his underwear, down to his knees in one go, freeing his rapidly hardening dick. "This stays between us. You can let Jeno think what he wants, but the details are our secret." He presses a kiss to the fleshy inside of Renjun's thigh, a place he didn't realize was so sensitive until now. 

"I agree," Renjun says, embarrassed at the breathy quality his voice has taken already.

"If you start sleeping with someone else, you have to let me know. Y'know, for health reasons. Same for me, obviously." He wraps a firm hand around Renjun's cock and strokes leisurely from root to tip. Renjun gasps, fingers tightening uselessly around nothing. "You have a pretty dick."

"Fuck off," he groans while Donghyuck leans forward to flick his tongue against the tip. "What else?"

He pauses to think, keeping Renjun's cock up against his lips, barely touching. "That's all I've got." His hand begins a slow but heavy rhythm of jerking Renjun off, pressing wet kisses to the tip every time his fist closes around the head. "You?"

"What?" Renjun asks, the word ending higher pitched than he'll ever admit to.

Donghyuck smiles, sickeningly sweet despite the way he's working Renjun, picking up pace, his fingers warm and skillful around his length. "Any other rules?"

Renjun has just enough blood left in his brain to shake his head before threading his fingers into Donghyuck's hair as he swallows him down without another word.

Renjun finds Jeno in the kitchen the next morning. Donghyuck left before Jeno returned home the night before and Renjun fell asleep more satiated than he's felt in months. He feels awkward standing in front of Jeno now, in a pair of briefs and last night's shirt, trying to school his expression into something casual. Jeno pauses with his heaping spoon of cereal in front of his mouth when he notices him.

"Morning," Renjun says. He grabs a glass out of the cabinet and fills it with water. He can feel Jeno's eyes burning into his back. He would have changed if he'd known Jeno would be up already.

"Good morning," he finally says. Renjun downs his water before facing him. "Is Donghyuck still here?"

"No. He left last night."

Jeno nods without meeting his eyes, pushing his cereal around aimlessly. He sighs and drops his spoon. "I'm sorry if Jaemin and I made you uncomfortable yesterday."

"What do you mean?"

"You know," he says. Renjun doesn't know; his night with Donghyuck seems to have rewired his brain so all he can recall is the feeling of his hands and mouth everywhere. "For pushing you to talk to that guy."

"Oh. Don't even worry about it."

Jeno looks at him oddly. "As long as you're not upset."

"I'm really not," Renjun promises. Jeno reaches out for him and he crosses the room automatically, letting Jeno pull him into a side hug. He presses a brief kiss against Renjun's shoulder that sends his heart skidding around in his chest.

"So," he says when Renjun retreats to the sink. He can tell something is bothering Jeno by the way he keeps searching for Renjun's gaze only to quickly look away. "Donghyuck walked you home? That was nice of him."

"Mm, yeah," he agrees, busying himself with putting away the dry dishes from yesterday. "We hung out a bit. It was nice."

"Oh," Jeno says. He clears his throat, clearly trying to get Renjun to turn around but he won't. "What Donghyuck said yesterday was just him being a dick, right? I mean...you'd tell me if you were dating or something."

Renjun nods. "I would tell you if I was dating someone. I'm not."

"And you guys aren't—like, hooking up." Renjun forces himself to stay relaxed. "Right?"

"Would it bother you?"

"What?"

When Renjun turns around Jeno sports that kicked puppy look on his face, one Renjun usually finds cute but now it twists his insides uncomfortably. "You're always trying to set me up with guys. You even tried to set me up with Donghyuck. Wasn't that the point?"

"Jaemin set that up," Jeno says with a frown. "Only because— Donghyuck has a crush on Mark. You know that, right?"

"It'd be a good thing then, wouldn't it? For me to help him get over Mark if that were the case."

"I guess," he says, pursing his lips. 

"Or," Renjun says carefully, eyes glued to Jeno's, "do you think it'd be better for Donghyuck to continue to pine over him when everyone knows there's no chance for him. It probably does wonders for Mark's ego," he says, recalling Donghyuck's words, "to have someone like Donghyuck following him around with hearts in his eyes all the time."

Jeno stares, eyes wide and confused. "No—I...what?"

"I've got to get ready for class," Renjun says, effectively ending the conversation. He leaves Jeno at the table staring at his soggy cereal.

"You should have seen his face," Renjun says. Donghyuck grabs him by the hip and pulls them flush together, his mouth too busy suckling marks into Renjun's collarbone to speak. "It really bothers him to think we're fucking around."

He sighs when Donghyuck gets his hand inside his underwear, pulling him tight and wet the way Renjun likes. They're crammed inside one of the bathroom stalls at the restaurant Donghyuck works evenings at. Renjun came by as soon as his class released and Donghyuck had immediately taken his break and discretely tugged him to the bathroom in the back. 

"It's so confusing," he continues. Donghyuck hums in agreement, using his unoccupied hand to lift Renjun's shirt so he can switch to mouthing at his nipples. All the pressure that's been swirling around in his chest and stomach, making him sick and his eyes burn, has dropped straight into his cock as Donghyuck works him expertly and enthusiastically. "I'm clearly not good enough for him and yet—" he cuts himself off with a rather loud moan when Donghyuck twists his fingers around the head of his cock.

"Shut up," Donghyuck murmurs. He removes his mouth from Renjun's chest and Renjun's breath hitches at the arousal he sees in Donghyuck's darkened eyes. Donghyuck presses two of his fingers against Renjun's bottom lip until he gets the hint and swallows them down. He itches to get his own hands on Donghyuck, but the grip he has on the bathroom stall is the only thing keeping him from sliding boneless to the floor. He busies himself with sucking fervently on the digits in his mouth, the saliva pooling in the corner of his lips and dribbling down Donghyuck's hand. "Like that, yeah. Good boy."

"Fuck off," he says. It comes out like fhlg ogg and Donghyuck snickers while he flicks his other wrist once more, sending Renjun's eyes rolling back into his head. He slides his fingers out of Renjun's mouth and wipes them on Renjun's shirt but he doesn't have it in him to be upset about it at the moment—not when it feels like he's burning from the inside out. 

"If we had time I'd finger you instead," Donghyuck says. His full attention is on his own hand around Renjun's cock, watching the slick, wet slide, his brows furrowed in concentration. "Or you could finger me. You'd like that better, I bet. We both would." Renjun whines at the images that conjures up—Donghyuck coming apart on his fingers, only his fingers, making him beg Renjun for more until he gets fed up and takes it upon himself to finish himself off, riding Renjun's hand and doing all the work. 

Renjun closes his eyes, right on the verge of something intense, his muscles tensing as Donghyuck increases his pace. "You're really thinking about it," Donghyuck says. Renjun can hear the smirk in his voice. "You want to fuck me with your fingers. I want it too. You'd be so good for me, wouldn't you? You'd fuck me until I'd scream? Nothing but your fingers, your pretty fingers, doing exactly what I tell them to do."

"No," Renjun says even as the words fizzle pleasantly into his skin, turning the room even hotter as he slowly suffocates on the pleasure of it all, "I'd make you beg for it."

Donghyuck laughs, reedy and breathless, just as affected as Renjun is. "Whatever you say, sweet thing." Renjun can't speak as his orgasm chooses that moment to rocket through him, his head hitting the back of the stall as his body seizes up, and Donghyuck giggling once more in his ear.

Renjun pants, his chest heaving, waiting for the world to right itself as Donghyuck cleans him up and helps him pull up his jeans. "What— what about you?" he mumbles.

"No time," Donghyuck says. Renjun glances down at Donghyuck's crotch, his cock clearly hard and straining against his pants.

"You're going to go back out there and serve customers like? You'll fucking poke someone's eye out."

Donghyuck shrugs and Renjun knows he really will do that if Renjun doesn't stop him.

"You can be a little late," Renjun says. He palms Donghyuck through his jeans, watching as his resolve slowly crumbles.

"I really can't," he says. He doesn't sound too sure about that anymore.

"Two minutes," Renjun says, sinking to his knees and fumbling with Donghyuck's belt buckle, "give me two minutes."

Jeno knocks on Renjun's door after dark. He peeks in when Renjun responds, and Renjun looks up from his laptop and immediately looks away. Jeno's hair is damp and his skin flushed pink from the shower, drops of water leaking down behind his ear, down his throat, and into the neck of his t-shirt.

"What's up?" Renjun asks.

"I ordered pizza. Come eat and watch TV with me," Jeno says.

"What about Jaemin?"

He blinks. "What about him?"

"You wouldn't rather...spend time with your boyfriend?"

He gives Renjun an understanding smile. "I don't have to spend every waking moment with Jaemin. I want to spend time with you, Renjun, so come on."

And damn if Jeno doesn't know exactly how to send his heart into double-time. They set up in the living room, surrounded by a pile of blankets with a box of pizza, and watch a few episodes of One Tree Hill.

Renjun is impossibly warm in a way that has nothing to do with hot pizza or the cocoon of blankets, but entirely because of the way Jeno has his head pillowed on Renjun's thighs and keeps adjusting himself to look up at Renjun when he speaks.

Jeno looks so pretty from this angle. His eyelashes fan out dark and lovely, his skin smooth like a doll, and his lips plump and red where he keeps biting them. Renjun has to close his eyes and clench his fists to compose himself, overcome with sheer want, ill with the way it permeates every part of his body. So full of adoration he doesn't know how it's not leaking out of his pores, doesn't know how Jeno can't feel it, the way he shakes with it.

He thinks about what Donghyuck said. Jeno knows. Jeno knows how he feels and still plays domestic with him. He has the urge to push Jeno off his lap and lock himself in his room. What do you expect him to do, part of him thinks, cut you out of his life because you've gone and fallen in love? It's not Jeno's fault.

The other part says he doesn't have to do this either. He could make space to let you sort it out and get over him, to tell you to your face that you don't have a chance, so it would hurt less.

He doesn't know if he wants that now—space. Donghyuck would say their relationship is fucking unhealthy, and he's probably right, but Renjun doesn't want Jeno to stop.

Somehow he still has a little bit of hope; he keeps it hidden in that spot behind his rib cage. One day Jeno could look at him and want him back.

He still has hope.

What was once Renjun and Jeno, and then Renjun and Jeno and Jaemin, has become Renjun, Jeno, Jaemin, Donghyuck, and sometimes Mark. It's a weird thing. A friend group like this shouldn't work. It's almost laughable—half of them are in love with each other, and more than half of them are sleeping together. It's almost incestuous and when he tells this to Chenle he laughs so hard his eyes well up with tears.

"You're a masochist," he chokes out, wiping his eyes. "All of you."

Renjun can't argue with that.

It certainly feels masochistic to watch Jeno and Jaemin play darts across the room, Jaemin pressed against Jeno's back while helping him aim, as Donghyuck palms Renjun's dick underneath the bar table while maintaining a perfect conversation with Mark about his new girlfriend.

He wonders how this doesn't break one of the basic rules they set up for this whole thing because a handjob in the middle of a crowded bar doesn't seem like keeping it between themselves, but Renjun lost the ability to do anything but grip the edge of the table and stare frustrated at the grooves in the wood ten minutes ago. Donghyuck is not intending to do more than drive him crazy, keeping his fingers light enough that Renjun knows they're there with no happy ending for him in sight.

Donghyuck's fingers have quickly become one of Renjun's favorite things about him, even now as they're about to be the end of him. They're long, slender, and pretty. Donghyuck is very good at using them to find the parts of Renjun that have him falling apart the fastest. They'd surely feel nice entangled with his own if holding hands was something the two of them did. It's not, Renjun doesn't even want that, he doesn't know why he thought of that.

"She came to one of my shows last weekend and hung out backstage with Johnny and Taeyong after. Johnny said she wouldn't stop talking about me so I went to ask her out for coffee but she kissed me before I could." Mark is too distracted by his own giddiness to notice Renjun's knee hitting the table as Donghyuck drags his nails hard enough for Renjun to feel it through his jeans. "I know it's early, but like, I really like her."

"When do we get to meet her?" Donghyuck asks. He keeps his chin pillowed on his free hand, his eyes never leaving Mark which pisses Renjun off because there's something much more interesting going on that should have his full attention at the moment.

"I dunno," Mark sighs. He pulls out his phone and smiles proudly as he presents it to Donghyuck.

"Wow," Donghyuck hums. He turns to Renjun, the slightest hint of a smirk lingering on the corner of his lips. "Thoughts?"

"Huh?" Renjun blinks slowly. Mark turns his phone toward him and he blearily takes in the photo of a girl with dark hair smiling shyly at the camera. "Who's this?"

"Mina," Donghyuck says. He pinches Renjun's thigh before massaging the length of Renjun's dick with his knuckles. "Mark's new girlfriend."

It's a moment of Renjun exerting all the self-control he possesses to not drag Donghyuck to the bathroom, and the only reason he doesn't is that the sight of his dick straining to break free of its confines would alert everyone to what they've been up to for the past half hour before he realizes they're waiting for him to say something. 

"Pretty," he says. "She's pretty."

"Yeah," Mark agrees. "But dude, are you okay?"

"He's fine," Donghyuck says for him. "Vodka makes him sleepy, right, Renjun?"

Renjun mumbles some kind of agreement and Mark nods before turning his attention to his phone. Donghyuck strokes him one last time, cruel and hard, before patting Renjun's thigh and removing his offending hand completely. Renjun lets his head hit the table, cushioning the blow with his arms, and wills himself to come down from the edge Donghyuck has left him teetering on.

Mark says something and Donghyuck laughs, loud and fake and a little breathless. That makes Renjun feel significantly better. He watches Donghyuck from the gap between his arms. His cheeks are flushed, no thanks to the cocktails he's been downing, and his pupils are blown wide. His hair is matted to the back of his neck, perspiration holding his shirt tight against his skin. Renjun watches him quickly adjust himself below the table before returning his hands to his glass. Renjun hides his grin in his elbow.

He'll have to hang out for the next couple of minutes until he can make it to the bathroom without giving himself away. He does his best to think about decidedly unsexy things like his Environmental Technologies professor, who's pushing sixty with a beer gut, in lingerie, or the uncomfortable kiss he shared with a girl when he was sixteen which ultimately led to his gay realization.

Then there's a hand on the nape of his neck, fingers carding through his hair and massaging his scalp with their fingernails. He lifts his head expecting to see Donghyuck grinning at him, but the fingers scratching his skull belong to Jeno. He smiles down at Renjun, beautiful even in the terrible bar lighting, glowing like an angel.

"Ready to go?" he asks. Renjun leans into the touch and nods. "Let me say goodbye to Jaemin and we can go home."

"I can take him home," Donghyuck says. "There's no need for you to abandon your boyfriend now. You should be careful; Jaemin's good at finding trouble."

Jeno doesn't take his eyes off Renjun, but he can see the way his jaw tightens, his lips a hard line. "That might explain why he's friends with you, but I think he can take care of himself."

"Hm," Donghyuck says. Renjun wants to tell him to be quiet, to let Jeno take him home and put him to bed so he can sleep off the alcohol and the arousal still thrumming in his veins.

"I'll be back," Jeno says, one last stroke of his neck before he leaves to find Jaemin. Renjun swallows the last of his drink and slides out of the booth. He's drunker than he thought and has to steady himself on the table.

"You'll be missing out," Donghyuck tells him sagely.

"Really?" Renjun asks dryly. There's nothing he'll miss about sitting at a table with Mark and Jaemin, even if Donghyuck's there to jerk him off underneath. He'd much rather go home with Jeno, have Jeno wrap his arms around him and guide him back, be tucked in by Jeno with a glass of water and pain pills for the morning.

"Really," Donghyuck says. His smile promises something that has Renjun's chest fluttering, but Jeno comes back before he's decided what to say to that.

Jeno walks him to the bus stop and they ride home in silence as the only people on board other than an old lady who sits at the front and badgers the driver. He holds Renjun up as he kicks his shoes off in the doorway and helps him into the bathroom. Renjun has sobered up considerably, but he isn't above playing inebriated in order to have Jeno take care of him. Jeno even prepares his toothbrush for him and they brush their teeth side by side, Jeno smiling at him through the mirror.

Renjun strips to his underwear after Jeno leaves and faceplants on his bed, barely remembering to turn the light off before he does. He quickly checks his phone to make sure his alarm is set for his morning lecture before placing it on the bedside table and turning over to face the wall.

He can hear Jeno out in the hallway, flipping off the lights before shutting himself in his own bedroom. Once he knows Jeno is down for the night he rolls onto his back and palms himself through his briefs. He can still feel Donghyuck's phantom touch, his teasing strokes that were both too much and not nearly enough. He wishes he had stayed just to shove Donghyuck into the bathroom and push him to his knees. Donghyuck hasn't blown him since their first night together. He prefers to do things quick and dirty with just hands, the more clothes on the better. Minus the one time he let Renjun finger him in this exact bed in the middle of watching The Proposal. That memory has Renjun fully hard in a matter of seconds.

He's got his cock in his hand, eyes shut tight as he remembers the way Donghyuck had squirmed in his sheets, the shameless noises he'd made, when his phone vibrates in quick succession next to him. He groans and grabs it with his free hand, intending to turn on Do Not Disturb before he realizes who's texting him.

And what is being texted to him.

Missing out is what Donghyuck sends him. Followed by a fifteen-second video that Renjun wastes no time in pressing play on.

Donghyuck is in what is no doubt the bar bathroom, given the shitty lighting and the vulgar graffiti littering the wall behind him. He has his shirt pulled up, holding it between his teeth, showing off the flat expanse of his stomach that Renjun is charmed by, it's adorable really even though in this context it has his cock twitching in his hand, especially when Donghyuck pans the camera down to show he's undone his jeans and pulled his underwear down just enough to free his own cock.

He holds himself proudly, that easy confidence that Renjun finds impossibly sexy, particularly during moments like this, and strokes himself from root to tip. Renjun's mouth waters at the sight and he curses everything. Himself for leaving, Jeno for taking him home, Mark for no reason in particular, and Donghyuck for being a fucking tease. It's a wet slide, from spit most likely, unless Donghyuck came out tonight with a bottle of lube in his pocket which—Renjun groans at the thought. He works himself harder, faster, as he restarts the video again, and then again, until his climax rips through him, surprising him with its intensity.

He basks in the afterglow, cum setting cool on his stomach, chest rising and falling. He angles his phone to snap a shot of him as he's spread out, making sure to capture all of him, before sending it to Donghyuck in response with a smiley face.

He falls asleep watching Donghyuck's text bubble disappear and reappear six times in a row.

Mark and Mina are over within a month.

Mark is heartbroken, as Donghyuck says he always is after these brief relationships. They take him out drinking to fill the void, although Renjun can't wrap his head around falling so hard for someone you've known for a month. Donghyuck is a good friend about the whole thing and comforts Mark as he convinces himself he'll never find true love. Renjun knows how hard it must be for Donghyuck to play the sympathetic best friend when said best friend holds your heart in his hands with a vice grip.

Renjun finds himself being taken rather suddenly in restrooms, closets, alleyways, and even once in the dressing room at the mall because Mark said Johnny told him it was a great place to meet girls. "Maybe if this was 2008," Donghyuck had said, but he went anyway and Mark walked around looking so awkward it was actually cute and Donghyuck had pulled Renjun into the dressing room of Macy's, of all places, and convinced Renjun to suck him off.

Jaemin comes up with an idea.

"A new girl joined the club recently. She's gorgeous, funny, and single. I could set you up."

"What club is that again?" Donghyuck asks.

"The poetry club," Jaemin clarifies, rolling his eyes. Renjun barely avoids laughing out loud.

"Quick," Donghyuck says, "top ten clubs where you never get laid. Number one: poetry club."

"One of us is getting dick on the regular," Jaemin says with a saccharine smile, "is it you?"

Donghyuck says nothing and Renjun chokes on his sandwich, quickly washing it down with his water before anyone can comment on it.

"Can I see a picture?" Mark asks, thankfully changing the subject back to his potential new sweetheart.

Jaemin uses Mark's phone to find the girl's Instagram. Jiwon, a self-proclaimed rapper, and gamer. Mark gets that faraway look in his eyes as he scrolls through her posts.

"God," Donghyuck mutters. "I can see it in his eyes. He's catching feelings for a girl he's never met before."

"I could set up some kind of triple date. We'll go to the fair on Saturday."

"Triple?" Donghyuck asks. "What other couple do you know stupid enough to put themselves through something like that?"

"You and Renjun," Jaemin says. "Obviously."

Renjun gapes. Donghyuck says, "excuse me?" right as Jeno perks up and says, "what?"

"You guys are dating?" Mark asks. "Congratulations!"

"What?" Jeno repeats. He's frowning so hard it makes Renjun scowl. 

"Jaemin's being a dickhead," Donghyuck says. Renjun notices he's gripping his soda hard enough to almost dent the can. "Renjun and I are not dating."

"You might as well be," Jaemin says. Renjun has never hated him more than in that moment—the smug look on his face, the way he lives for the uncomfortable slump to Renjun's shoulders. "I see things."

"What things?" Jeno asks. The look he shoots Renjun is more hurt than Renjun thinks he has any right to be.

"Shut up, Jeno," Donghyuck says, his agitation spilling over in the way he slaps his can of soda on the table. "Why the fuck do you care?"

"You said you weren't interested in Donghyuck," Jeno says to Renjun.

Renjun burns under all the attention. Donghyuck stares at him too, his own face carefully blank. "I never said that. I said I'm not interested in a relationship. With anyone."

"See?" Donghyuck says, shooting a tight smile at Jaemin. "There's no relationship between Renjun and me."

"Then come along as friends," Jaemin says. "So, I'll talk to Jiwon and pick a time..."

Donghyuck excuses himself and steps outside. Renjun tries to catch his eye, to check if he's alright, but he doesn't look his way. Jeno is still staring at him and it starts an itch beneath his skin he can't scratch. "I'll be back," he mumbles. It falls on deaf ears as Jaemin and Mark continue their conversation without hindrance.

Renjun finds Donghyuck outside of their apartment building, standing under the awning to avoid the pouring rain. The cold has hit September fast and Renjun wishes he had brought a jacket or wore a long sleeve shirt, the wind raising goosebumps on his arms.

He waits for Donghyuck to say something, but when it becomes clear he's content to stand there in silence Renjun clears his throat. "We don't have to go with them. Jaemin doesn't dictate what we do with our time."

"Obviously," Donghyuck says. "I couldn't care less about whether we go to the fucking fair or not."

Renjun hesitates before asking, "is it because of Mark?"

At Donghyuck's silence Renjun sighs. "It sucks, but maybe seeing them together will help you move on. There's not anything you can do about it."

Donghyuck lets out a shocking burst of laughter, turning on Renjun with disbelieving eyes. "Have you ever considered taking your own damn advice? You still look at Jeno with the same lovesick twinkle in your eye no matter how much time you spend watching him and Jaemin together."

"It's not the same," Renjun says, defensive. "Jeno and I...it's just different."

"It's not different. Jeno is never going to look at you and suddenly decide he wants to fuck you." He moves toward Renjun and Renjun takes a step backward until his back hits the door. His hair is slightly damp like he stepped out into the rain before Renjun found him. He hates the way Donghyuck looks at him now—like he can see every thought in his head, every intention of his heart. "Are you really okay with pining over him for the rest of your life? Don't you want to get over him?"

Renjun has wondered that himself sometimes. He can't help that tiny bit of hope that's always lingered within him, even as it's dwindled over time, that hope that if he waited long enough or wished hard enough one day Jeno would decide to want him. Even the thought of it now makes him sweat, but more than that he's just tired. It's exhausting wanting after someone despite knowing how pointless it is. More than anything Renjun is scared that if it keeps going like this it will ruin his friendship with Jeno, make it so he can't even be in the same room as him anymore. The thought of losing Jeno from his life for good—either because Jeno has to push him away or he has to abandon Jeno so he can finally breathe—is sad and frightening.

"Yes," he breathes. It's just a whisper between them, the rain pelting the sidewalk louder than his voice, and Renjun has a moment to wonder when Donghyuck's face got so close before Donghyuck is kissing him, timidly like he's just as surprised by it as Renjun is. Renjun kisses back after a moment's delay, opening his mouth for Donghyuck when he slides his tongue against the seam of his lips. One of them groans, Renjun can't tell who, and Donghyuck grabs the front of Renjun's thin t-shirt while Renjun grips Donghyuck by the shoulders, running his palms over the expanse of his back, the slight wetness of his shirt clinging to his skin, the muscles taut underneath.

Donghyuck tilts his head to the side for better access and the slide of their tongues is hot and desperate. Renjun's got a bit dizzy as he kisses back with everything he's got. Donghyuck's hands leave his shirt to slide up his neck, cupping his cheeks and pulling back, both of them panting in the cold air.

"I thought kissing was too personal," Renjun says.

"Whatever. I've had your dick in my mouth."

Renjun laughs and pushes Donghyuck off of him, too hot in the tight space.

"Come home with me," Donghyuck says.

Renjun doesn't feel like going back upstairs to sit in a room with Jeno, Jaemin, and Mark while he's halfway to hard so he nods, "Yeah, okay."

They take the bus back to the university dorms and Donghyuck leads him up to his and Jaemin's room. It's the first time Renjun's actually been inside their dorm. It's bigger than Renjun expects, big enough that they were able to fit a small sofa between the desks and the beds. Donghyuck's bed is neatly made, lacking much in the way of personal effects except for a few photos pinned to the wall. Jaemin's bed sits unmade, sheets hanging off, full of miscellaneous items and stuffed toys.

Donghyuck locks the door behind them as Renjun takes a seat on the sofa. "Do you think they'll come looking for us?"

"No," Donghyuck says. He closes the distance between them in three strides, sinking down onto Renjun's lap, "but maybe we should be quick just in case."

Renjun's dick is quicker to catch up to current events than his brain, already pressing firmly against his pants and Donghyuck's ass as Donghyuck leans in to capture Renjun's lips once more. It's dirtier and more frantic this time as Donghyuck wastes no time in licking into his mouth, drawing Renjun closer with his hands against his back, running them down his spine before dipping them beneath his t-shirt and running them back up. They both moan as Donghyuck cants his hips, rocking steady on Renjun's lap, his thighs spread deliciously over Renjun's own. Renjun grabs a greedy handful of Donghyuck's ass through his sweatpants when Donghyuck swirls his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

He pulls back, a string of saliva connecting them, and Renjun pants at the sight of Donghyuck looming over him, lips swollen and slick, eyes hooded with unconcealed desire. "Fuck," Donghyuck says, diving back in for another kiss, hot and hungry and messy. "I want you to fuck me."

"H-Here?" Renjun asks, keening when Donghyuck ruts against him.

"Here," he says, trailing kisses from Renjun's lips to his jaw down to his neck, biting at his Adam's apple, "on the sofa, on the floor, on Jaemin's bed..." He backs off just enough to strip Renjun of his shirt before biting his way across his chest, "in the hallway where anyone could see." Renjun hisses when he sucks at his nipple before returning to his mouth, drawing his bottom lip between his teeth, "where anyone could see," he repeats. Renjun moans softly as Donghyuck reaches between their bodies to grip his cock through his pants. "Where anyone could see you take me...me, not anyone else, to know that the one who makes you sing is me."

Renjun helps him remove his own shirt before running a hand down Donghyuck's stomach, tracing the thin line of hair that descends into his sweatpants. It's a flurry of hands and legs as they attempt to remove each other's clothing, unable to resist pausing to exchange brief kisses, more smacks of lips and teeth than anything until Renjun has his underwear down to his knees, jeans abandoned on the floor, and Donghyuck kneels above his lap blissfully naked.

Donghyuck leans across the arm of the sofa to search through his desk drawers, falling back into place with a small vial of lube in his grasp. Renjun takes the bottle from him before Donghyuck can open it. He tries to smile but it feels shaky. It's been over a year since he's done anything beyond hands or mouths and just thinking about being inside of Donghyuck in just a few minutes has him shivering in anticipation. 

"I want to open you up," he says.

Donghyuck nods and positions himself farther up on his knees, his back in a beautiful arch, his forehead resting on Renjun's shoulder as he lubes up his fingers. Donghyuck holds himself as still as possible until Renjun slides his index finger inside, the tight heat making Renjun groan at the same time as Donghyuck gasps. Renjun works him deep with one finger until Donghyuck is ready for two and Renjun wishes he had a better angle to see it happen, to see how well Donghyuck takes him.

When Donghyuck finally seats himself on Renjun's cock, Renjun's grip on Donghyuck's hips painful and desperate as he lowers himself, Donghyuck closes his eyes and rests his forehead against Renjun's. It's a terribly intimate moment, one that Renjun is unequipped to deal with in his present state when Jeno is still a niggling thought at the back of his mind, knowing that this is all just some arrangement—Donghyuck trying to forget Mark and Renjun attempting to help him and help himself. 

But he isn't thinking about Jeno or Mark or anything but Donghyuck as he slowly lifts himself up high before dropping back down, a guttural noise being torn out of his throat as Renjun stares up at him slack-jawed. 

Donghyuck works up a rhythm and Renjun does nothing but sit there and take it, Donghyuck's breath hot against his face, the tiny but desperate sounds he makes making Renjun's stomach clench as he barrels closer and closer to the edge. Eventually, Donghyuck's thighs start to tremble and his rhythm falters so Renjun wraps his arms around Donghyuck's waist and thrusts up to meet him. It's frenzied and wild, both of them teetering toward their climax. 

Renjun presses a bruising kiss to Donghyuck's mouth before Donghyuck digs his fingernails into Renjun's shoulders, tossing his head back as he cries out, coming untouched all over his stomach. Renjun is right behind him, brought to the finish when Donghyuck sighs into his ear, "that's it. You're so good. Cum in me."

After regaining the strength in their legs, cleaning up and getting dressed, Renjun checks his phone. He has two new texts from Jeno; one asking where he is and the other informing him that Jaemin is spending the night. "You can sleep here," Donghyuck says when Renjun relays this. Renjun stares at him and he rolls his eyes. "We don't have to share the bed, Jesus. You can sleep in Jaemin's or on the sofa."

"The sofa you just came all over," Renjun says in disgust.

"Yup." Donghyuck climbs into his own bed, rolling to the side and closing his eyes.

Renjun doesn't want to sleep on the sofa or Jaemin's bed. He doesn't want to sleep with Donghyuck either, although he can't pinpoint why exactly. It feels weird, too intimate like he's crossing some kind of line. But it's the best option he's got so he pushes Donghyuck to make space and climbs in next to him. Donghyuck grins at him with his eyes still closed and Renjun ignores him, reaching behind them for the light switch.

He positions himself so his back is to Donghyuck, curling in on himself to take up the least amount of space as possible, and eventually, sleep overcomes him.

He wakes up at some point in the night to find himself cuddling Donghyuck; Donghyuck's back pressed to his chest, his arms around Donghyuck's middle. He's snoring lightly, his sleeping face so peaceful that Renjun refuses to wake him by disentangling himself. He's doing it for Donghyuck, he tells himself, as he pulls Donghyuck closer and closes his eyes.

Classes pick up and Renjun doesn't have time to see much of anybody throughout the week. On Saturday he and Jeno leave for the fair together, meeting up with the others who are already waiting for them when they arrive.

Jaemin pulls Jeno into a hug as soon as they're off the bus. Renjun ignores them and finds Donghyuck. He swallows as he takes in Donghyuck leaning against the chain-link fence, hands in his pockets, watching the Ferris wheel in the distance. He's dressed much nicer than a night at the fair eating cotton candy and corn dogs calls for. His hair is styled so it's out of his eyes, which are rimmed in a barely there coating of eyeliner and possibly some mascara, and he wears a tight, black turtleneck under his pea coat.

"Cold?" Renjun asks him, drawing his attention away from the fairgrounds.

"But stylish," he says. He looks Renjun over. "You look good."

He flushes because he knows now, after seeing Donghyuck, that he could have dressed better than the sweater and jeans he chose. "Where are Mark and the new girl?"

"Jiwon. They've already wandered off. She's pushy. I think Mark likes that."

Jeno and Jaemin join them, eternally holding hands, and Renjun realizes the two of them are dressed handsomely as well. Renjun is the one who looks like he doesn't have a lick of fashion sense and wonders why Jeno didn't advise him to dress nicer before they left.

They wait in the short line to pay for tickets and get their hands stamped. Jaemin pulls Jeno in front of them and Renjun hangs behind with Donghyuck.

"I haven't been to the fair since I was in middle school," Renjun says. It's crowded with families being paraded around by their children and couples swinging hands and bumping hips.

"It's been a few years for me. Last time was when a guy took me for a date in freshman year."

"Really?" Renjun asks. "How did that go?"

"I tried to take him on the Super Shot. The one that takes you up real high and suddenly drops you?" Renjun nods and Donghyuck smiles ruefully. "He threw up all over himself. And me a little."

"No way," Renjun laughs, giggling harder when Donghyuck looks particularly pained by the memory.

"I never saw him again. Think it embarrassed him too much to see me after that."

"How sad," Renjun says. "He could have been the love of your life."

"Not even. The love of my life better be able to handle the Super Shot without upchucking everywhere."

They let Jaemin lead them around the grounds, visiting whatever ride or booth he wants. They play bumper cars and go on the Tilt-A-Whirl, both of which they end up surrounded by young children. Afterward, they grab frozen lemonades. Donghyuck and Renjun split a funnel cake while Jaemin insists Jeno feed him cotton candy. They run into Mark and Jiwon who appear to be getting along well, shyly holding hands as Jiwon guides them all toward Zero Gravity.

Renjun feels woefully dizzy after that one and Donghyuck laughs at him, though he keeps an arm around his lower back so Renjun doesn't teeter off to the side and fall over. Up next is the Super Shot which Renjun takes one look at and promptly turns his back on.

"No fucking way," he says. Donghyuck glares at him.

"It's the best ride here, we have to go on it."

"Are you that eager to be thrown up on a second time?"

"I second Donghyuck," Jaemin says. "We have to ride the Super Shot."

Jeno looks hesitantly up at the huge ride, watching the group of people currently strapped to it scream as they're plunged toward the Earth. "I'd rather not.

"You guys can go," Renjun says, not wanting to see Donghyuck pouting for any longer. "Jeno and I will wait for you here. On the ground. Where it's safe."

They both look reluctant to leave, but the need for an adrenaline trip wins out and they huddle into the line behind Mark and Jiwon. Renjun watches the ride slowly rise to the very top before dropping some 90 feet in a matter of a second, only to rise up halfway and quickly drop again, repeating the process. He feels sick just watching, but Donghyuck is practically vibrating in line.

"Hey," Jeno says, drawing Renjun's attention from the horror in front of them, "come play with me." He nods to the booth around the corner that hosts one of those rigged carnival games.

The booth is empty except for the older man running it. "If you can smash three plates within five throws, you win a prize," the man says. The prizes he gestures to are a bunch of teddy bears of different colors and sizes hanging above the booth.

Jeno passes over a few dollars in exchange for five balls. They're small, the size of baseballs, but not nearly as weighty. Renjun holds the extras while Jeno takes one, stepping back to position himself. He pulls his arm back and tosses. The ball smashes into one of the plates near the bottom, sending it shattering to the ground. Jeno grins as Renjun hands him the next ball.

"Just like high school," Jeno says, pitching his arm back again, sending another ball hurtling into one of the middle plates. "Remember my no-hitter game sophomore year?"

"Of course I remember," Renjun says, rolling his eyes. If the way Jeno had been carted around the field afterward hadn't imprinted the memory in his brain, then Jeno searching for Renjun in the stands with his humongous smile, standing sweaty in his fitted uniform, definitely would have.

"Don't get cocky," the old man says. Jeno ignores him and tosses the next one. It misses, too far to the left where it pelts against the back wall. Renjun hands him the fourth ball which falls short of smashing any of the plates either, hitting the ground with a thud. Jeno takes the last ball, his hand lingering over Renjun's longer than needed.

He pulls back to throw but pauses. "Which one do you want?"

"What?"

"Pick a plate," he says, gesturing at the rows. "I'll hit it."

"You're awfully arrogant for someone who just missed two throws," Renjun points out.

"Fools are full of confidence," the old man adds. Renjun rolls his eyes.

"Pick one," Jeno says again. He grins. "Arrogance isn't always undue."

"Alright," Renjun shrugs. He points to the plate on the far left on the top rack, one that has some kind of dark smudge in the center of the white ceramic. "That one. Top left, second from the end."

Jeno nods and Renjun watches the way his face changes as he concentrates, the furrow of his brow, the twitch of his top lip. He steps back again, cocks his shoulder, and throws. The ball shatters the exact plate Renjun had called so loud that Renjun jumps slightly. Jeno cheers and wraps Renjun into a hug, lifting him from the ground and spinning as Renjun laughs in surprise before demanding to be put down.

"Pick your prize," Jeno says. Renjun considers each of the bears and points to one of the dark brown ones, its feet a checkered purple color the same as the pattern on its scarf. 

The old man pulls it down and passes it to Renjun without a word. Renjun and Jeno wander back to the Super Shot, Renjun squeezing the bear to his chest. It's cute, but something feels off in his gut. That Jeno decided to win him a prize instead of...

"Maybe you should give this to Jaemin," he says. He holds it out to Jeno who shakes his head, hands in his pockets.

"I won it for you," Jeno says. "I don't think Jaemin likes things like that anyway."

Renjun doesn't think that's true given the number of stuffed animals he saw on Jaemin's bed—and the fact that Jaemin would undoubtedly love anything Jeno gave him. He clutches the bear, feeling guilty, as the rest of the group comes staggering off the ride in big smiles.

"Have fun?" Jeno asks Jaemin, pressing a kiss to his cheek as Jaemin beams happily.

"It was incredible," he sighs. "I didn't see you for a while. Where did you guys go?"

Jeno points back at the booth they just left where the old man running it is attempting to swindle a man and a young child. "Won one of those carnival games."

"Really?" Jaemin asks impressed. He slips his hand into Jeno's back pocket, pulling him close. "What did you win me?"

"I didn't—"

"Here," Renjun interrupts, quickly shoving the bear into Jaemin's free hand. "We picked this one out. For you."

Jaemin looks down at the bear, then up at Jeno—Jeno's who has never been able to tell a lie, no matter how insignificant it is—and chews on his lip in silence. "That's alright. You can keep it." Jaemin passes the bear back and Renjun has never felt so uncomfortable over a stuffed animal in his life.

"Really, please take it," Renjun says, still holding it out. Jaemin looks like he's about to say something but Donghyuck swipes the bear out of Renjun's hand, sticking it under his arm.

"I'll take it if no one wants it," he says. Somehow this makes the whole thing worse. Jeno looks annoyed, Jaemin's face remains carefully blank, and Renjun feels like he's just done something very wrong. "It's just a damn teddy bear," he mumbles.

"Right, okay," Mark says, clapping his hands together and laughing awkwardly. "I think we should hit the Ferris wheel before we leave."

They head to the Ferris wheel in stiff silence, only Mark chatting pleasantly at the front with his date. Renjun feels awkward next to Donghyuck, sneaking glances at the way he keeps the teddy bear tucked between his arm and side.

The line is packed when they arrive. It's almost all couples standing hand in hand, sharing kisses or whispers as they wait.

"They're getting along well," Renjun whispers to Donghyuck. He gestures to Mark and Jiwon who remain stuck together. Jiwon laughs at something Mark has said and pushes him away playfully. Mark scratches the back of his neck, his cheeks flushed pink.

"Mark gets along with anything that has breasts and a pulse."

Renjun laughs until he realizes Donghyuck's stone-faced, no hint of amusement on him. When they reach the front of the line Mark and Jiwon take the first cabin. Jeno sits in the second waiting for Jaemin, but instead of joining him Jaemin pulls Donghyuck forward by his elbow and pushes him beside Jeno. Jeno splutters in protest as Donghyuck yells, "What the fuck are you doing?!"

"Renjun and I are going to ride together," he says. "Have fun, love you, see you soon." He quickly closes the cabin door and Renjun watches it rise, watches the way Jeno stares down at Jaemin in annoyance.

Jaemin grabs Renjun by the wrist and pulls him into the next cabin. Renjun goes without a fight. As the wheel turns and the cabin rises Renjun keeps his eyes on the window in silence. He's never felt nervous around Jaemin before but there's something in the air, something fizzling that keeps Renjun on the edge of his seat, wondering if and when Jaemin's going to snap at him.

"I never thought I'd have to do this," he says. "Donghyuck was right. You two have a fucked up relationship." Jaemin speaks tightly but resignedly, ending with a deep sigh. "I love Jeno. I love him and he's— obsessed with you. I know you see it. I know you know, just like I know you've been in love with him for as long as I've known you both. I also know that you don't like me, but Jeno makes me happy, and I think I make him happy too."

It's a lot to take in at once. A confirmation for what Renjun has dreaded to think; Renjun isn't subtle. Donghyuck saw through him so easily and apparently so has Jaemin. It fills him with hot embarrassment. Jaemin reaches out and places his hand on Renjun's own in such a gentle gesture despite the despondency in his tone that Renjun has to blink through the sudden stinging in his eyes.

"What are you asking me?"

"I'm asking you to move on, to set up some boundaries. Let him be happy. Let yourself be happy. You must realize that a relationship between the two of you would never work. You see that, don't you?"

He does. He has always known that—it's what's kept him up so many nights, desperate to know why exactly. He's always blamed it on his fault, the places he lacks, how he's not enough, but maybe it's more than that. Fate or whatever. The opposite of soulmates; two people who will never fit together no matter how much Renjun tries to whittle himself down in the hopes they will. 

But knowing it doesn't stop him from curling in on himself in resentment. "How do you know that?"

Jaemin throws his hands in the air. "Because it's an infatuation! It's not love!" Renjun makes the mistake of glancing at Jaemin's face only to turn away at the raw emotion he sees there. "He might have this weird monopoly on being the only constant in your life, but even he knows he doesn't want you like that. I don't understand why you both let it go on for so long until it's become this twisted, grotesque thing where everyone is suffering!"

Renjun says nothing. Jaemin sighs again. He sounds so haggard like he's a few words away from breaking down into tears.

"Can you honestly tell me you're happy with this Jeno thing? Do you think Donghyuck is happy? Don't give me that look; I know you've got something going on even if I don't know the details. Donghyuck won't tell me anything, but I'm not stupid."

"Isn't that what you wanted? You tried to set us up in the first place."

"I wanted Donghyuck to find someone who could drive Mark out of his brain so he could move on. It just worked out perfectly that I was also desperate for you to find someone to make you realize how hopeless it is for you to keep doing what you're doing with Jeno.

"And I know it's not just your fault," he continues, softer, returning his hand to Renjun's in a pleading gesture, "but Jeno won't let me into that part of his life. It's like you're off limits—this special thing only for him to have for himself and he doesn't get how much it hurts me. I don't care if you're friends. I don't want you to stop being friends, but I want to stop feeling insecure and selfish because I expect that I should come first as his boyfriend."

"How—" Renjun clears his throat, finding Jaemin's gaze as he says, "How can I...fix it? You're right that I'm—I mean, I'm not. Happy, not really. Sometimes I am, but being around Jeno just," he swallows, "really fucking hurts. I don't want to lose our friendship, but I don't know what to do."

"You have to sit down and talk to him. You have to tell him how you feel. You have to ask him for space."

Renjun worries his bottom lip between his teeth. The Ferris wheel has made its third complete spin and will stop any moment. "Does he—does he know? Donghyuck said that— Donghyuck said he knows. About how I feel."

Jaemin brings Renjun close with a hand on his cheek, using his thumb to wipe away the tears beneath his eyes that he hadn't known were falling. "I don't know. You'll have to ask him." He runs a soothing hand down Renjun's shoulder before pulling back as their cabin comes to a stop at the ground. Renjun furiously rubs at his eyes before Jaemin opens the door and they step out.

There's a party for Hendery's birthday at Chenle and Jisung's apartment. It's supposed to be a small gathering of their friend groups, but everyone brings a plus-one who brings a plus-two who brings their girlfriend's cousin's best friend and by the time Renjun arrives, the music so loud it shakes the stairs under his feet as he climbs the outrageous flights of stairs, the place is bursting with bodies. 

He squeezes himself through throngs of sweaty people he's never met—except for the guy passing around his bong on the couch that he thinks might be his physics TA, Taeil—and into the kitchen where Hendery has hoisted himself onto the counter. He wears a hot pink fuzzy hat that proclaims him the Birthday Girl and hoards an entire bottle of Cuervo for himself. 

"Yo!" He yells when Renjun stumbles into the snack table as a small girl pushes past him aggressively. "Where's my present?"

"Forthcoming, birthday girl," Renjun says. They do the same thing every year in lieu of gifts; Hendery picks an expensive restaurant that Renjun says he'll pay for only for them to visit a cheap burger joint at the last minute. "Who was that?"

"My ex! As of," he looks down at his wrist where no watch sits, "just this moment."

"Sorry to hear that."

"I'm not. I'm the one that broke up with her." He gulps down more of his tequila and Renjun cringes as he wipes his mouth after. "You're late, by the way. Your boyfriend's been here for a half-hour."

Renjun chokes. "My—who?"

"The annoying one," he says, gesturing wildly with his hands. "He was getting so hit on by this senior from Kappa Tau before Chenle intervened and proclaimed him off-limits."

Renjun tries to discreetly check for Chenle anywhere nearby, but he's nowhere to be found in the chaos. Neither does he see Donghyuck or any of his other friends. 

"He went that way," Hendery says helpfully with a vague motion toward the living room. "Wait, wait, wait," he says before Renjun can leave, "take a shot." Instead of an actual shot glass, he holds up his tequila and Renjun dutifully opens his mouth, letting Hendery pour until Renjun splutters, some of the liquid leaking out the corner of his mouth and wetting his collar. 

"Happy birthday," he says before leaving Hendery to his vices. He forces himself back into the living room, almost getting knocked in the head by some girl waving her entire torso around, and toward the back of the apartment when the bedrooms are. Chenle and Jisung's rooms are both locked, which Renjun expected, but their guest room is open and empty. Renjun notices the sliding glass door that leads to the balcony is open, the curtains billowing out in the heavy wind. He shuts the bedroom door behind him and locks it as an afterthought because he knows no one would appreciate it if some drunkard stumbled in and vomited all over the bedspread (like last time). 

Out on the balcony, Renjun finds Donghyuck, alone and leaning into the railing. Renjun's breath catches at the sight. He hasn't noticed Renjun and he rests with his eyes closed, the wind tickling the honey brown strands of his bangs along his forehead. His eyelids are covered in dark but subtle eyeshadow, the faintest bit of glitter sprinkled on, and his eyeliner has been smudged beneath his waterline. Renjun feels stuck in that spot as he traces Donghyuck's face like it's his first time seeing it—the slope of his perfect nose, the bow of his pink lips, the overall softness of his features that Renjun might envy but any jealousy he might feel is bested by the want that feels like he could drown in it.

"I know you're there," Donghyuck says. His eyes remain closed but his lips twitch when Renjun coughs awkwardly. 

"Hey," Renjun says. "I didn't think I'd see you here."

"I came with Jaemin, but he ditched me for Jeno not even ten minutes after we arrived." He quirks one eye open, taking Renjun in from head to toe. Renjun's skin prickles with the heat of his gaze. "Hendery and I took anatomy & physiology together last year. I had no idea you two knew each other."

"We went to high school together," Renjun says. 

"Really?" Donghyuck says, his face lighting up with amusement. "I should take this opportunity while he's plastered to fish out some embarrassing stories about little Renjun."

"Shut the fuck up," Renjun mumbles. He pushes Donghyuck away by his shoulder but his hand touches more skin than he was anticipating thanks to the thin straps of the tank top he's sporting and Renjun shivers at the warmth of Donghyuck's skin. "I was the least embarrassing out of all of my friends. Jeno's pants fell down during a baseball game in front of the entire school. Chenle got sick on the dancefloor during prom. Hendery—well, everything he did was embarrassing. I came out unscathed."

Donghyuck raises his eyebrows like he doesn't believe him in the slightest. "Something truly embarrassing must have happened to cause you to study architecture, you absolute geek."

Renjun goes to push Donghyuck away again but he's faster this time and catches Renjun's wrist with his thumb and index finger. He holds it there between them and Renjun makes no effort to take his arm back. "Asshole," he says which makes Donghyuck grin. "My grandfather was an architect. He built the home I grew up in as a present to my parents when my mother found out she was pregnant with me. I used to watch him sketch out his designs—huge projects that never got built because of how laughably bizarre they were, but he put his heart and soul into those designs and one day— well. I'd like to make at least one of them a reality." Renjun tries to take his wrist back, tempted to shield his face as his cheeks warm after admitting something that personal, but Donghyuck tightens his grip. "That was corny and stupid. Ignore me; I'm drunk," he lies.

"It's not stupid," Donghyuck says. He pulls Renjun closer by his wrist when he tries to shy away. Renjun ends up pinned between the railing and Donghyuck's side. The wind picks up and sends a chill down Renjun's spine as he's greeted with a nose full of Donghyuck's cologne; something creamy and floral like rosewater and baby powder. "You asked me before why I dance, and while it's true that I'm fantastic with my hips, the reason is my eldest sister." 

Donghyuck's fingers slip from around Renjun's wrist but instead of them separating, Renjun feels him trail them down until their fingers are almost interlocking, the closest to holding hands they've ever been. "She's a dancer?" Renjun asks.

"She was. My parents started her in ballet when she was four—not because they forced her but because she cried and begged until they gave in." Donghyuck squeezes Renjun's hand, his palm warm and dry against Renjun's slightly clammy one. "She passed away when she was sixteen. A car accident. I was only ten; it's not like we were super close our whole lives or anything, but I loved her. I feel like I'm connecting with her when I dance." He shoots Renjun a sardonic smile. "How's that for corny?"

"That's not," Renjun says fiercely, "at all. That's incredibly sweet. You should— I'd like to see you dance. For real, not grinding in the club but the dancing you're passionate about."

"There's a winter recital coming up; I have my first solo." Donghyuck actually looks hesitant and Renjun wonders for a brief moment if he doesn't actually want Renjun to see him perform before he realizes that Donghyuck is nervous. "You can come if you want. Jaemin always comes to my performances so you'll have to put up with him, but..."

"I'll come," Renjun says. "Definitely."

There's a knock on the bedroom door and someone rattling the handle. It startles the two of them out of whatever bubble the starry sky around them and the distant pounding of music had created. 

Jaemin is standing in the doorway, fist poised to knock again when Renjun opens the door. 

"Oh," he says. "Renjun."

"What's going on?" He looks past Jaemin expecting to find Jeno behind him, but the hallway is empty minus a couple in the throes of a passionate make-out session attempting to open Chenle's door. 

"I was looking for Donghyuck..."

"I'm here," he says, emerging from the balcony. "Where's Jeno?"

Jaemin eyes Renjun carefully before turning his attention to Donghyuck. "He left. I'm leaving too. If you're riding with me we need to leave now."

"Did something happen?" Renjun asks. 

Jaemin wraps his arms around himself and Renjun notices the way his legs are slightly shaking. He squares his jaw when he looks at Renjun. "Nope. Nothing happened, but I'm tired and I'm ready to go home. Are you coming, Hyuck?"

"I'm gonna stay," he says. Jaemin deflates a little but he nods. "I'll take the bus home."

"It won't run for much longer," Jaemin says.

"He can stay the night then. Chenle won't care. But Jaemin—"

Jaemin physically recoils when Renjun reaches out to check on him. "Okay!" He says too brightly. "I'm leaving now. I'll see you tomorrow," he says to Donghyuck. Renjun watches him shoulder his way back through the living room crowd. He closes the bedroom door once more and turns to find Donghyuck watching him intently, keenly.

"What do you think that was about?" Renjun asks. He takes a seat on the edge of the bed, expecting Donghyuck to follow him, but he doesn't move.

"They're fighting again."

"Again?" He swallows nervously. "I didn't think they fought. They're so...affectionate. Disgustingly so."

"They've always fought over stupid things," Donghyuck tells him. "It was never serious, but lately it seems it is. Serious and frequent."

"Because of me," Renjun gathers. "Jaemin unloaded on me that night of the fair. It's all I've been thinking about. I have to do...something."

Donghyuck finally sits beside him. "What do you want to do?"

"Right now?" he asks with a bitter laugh. "Right now I want to forget. I don't want to think about him right now—about either of them."

"Yeah?" Donghyuck questions, his voice pitched deeper than a moment ago. Renjun turns his head to find them but a hair's breadth apart. "How do you suppose you'll do that?"

Renjun licks his lips and watches Donghyuck follow the motion. He doesn't know who moves first but when they finally kiss it feels different than the last time. He doesn't know how it's possible for Donghyuck to feel both desperate and tentative in the way he captures Renjun's lips. Donghyuck tastes like mint and aspartame. He must be sober too which is a rare occasion in these circumstances. Drinks are usually involved when they're about to get off and they've never kissed without that lubricant either. Renjun allows himself to memorize the feeling of Donghyuck against him on all the points they connect. His lips which are forever soft thanks to the expensive shea butter lip balm he uses, their thighs pressed together, their knees, even their feet tangle together. 

When Renjun pulls back, Donghyuck looks at him hazily, his desire evident. Renjun feels like someone's just lit a fire beneath him, sending pleasantly warm tingles from his stomach to his cock. He pulls Donghyuck back in for a harsher kiss, one that's wet and sloppy and a little painful when Donghyuck nips at his bottom lip. Donghyuck does things with his tongue that would have Renjun's knees buckling if he weren't sitting safely on a solid surface. Donghyuck's hands find their way under Renjun's shirt after untucking it from his pants, tracing a path up his ticklish sides, gripping tightly on his waist, Donghyuck's thumbs massaging circles into his overheated skin. 

Before Renjun can really think it through, he's pressing his wet lips to Donghyuck's ear and panting, "You should fuck me."

Donghyuck stills, his grip now painful around Renjun's waist, and Renjun wiggles uncomfortably. 

"Are you serious?"

Renjun has never bottomed before—doing nothing more than a few experiments involving copious amounts of lube and his own fingers which were unsatisfactory, to say the least—but it's all he can think of at the moment. He wants to have Donghyuck inside of him this time, to feel the drag of him against his walls, to feel full and stuffed, to let Donghyuck use him as he wants. 

"Yes," he says, pulling himself out of Donghyuck's hold to crawl backward on the bed. He spreads himself out on his back, opening his thighs invitingly, gesturing for Donghyuck to meet him. "Come on or I'll do it myself," he goads. Donghyuck smirks shakily, climbing on his knees until he's kneeling in front of Renjun's open legs. 

"I wouldn't mind seeing that," he mumbles as he dips down to press a kiss against Renjun's jaw. The next few moments are silent as they help each other undress until Renjun is lying fully naked and Donghyuck's left in only his boxer briefs that leave nothing to the imagination. Donghyuck's cock is already straining for release, though how much is from the kisses they've shared or simply from the request Renjun had breathed into his ear he doesn't know, and he aches with how much he wants to feel it inside of him.

Donghyuck carefully turns Renjun on his front, held up by his hands and knees, after leaving briefly to grab the lube from his pants pocket ("Do you carry that everywhere?"). "It's easier this way," he says. Renjun shivers at the cold air on his backside compared to the way Donghyuck's hand on his lower back burns intensely. "Is this—" Renjun thinks he can hear him swallow. "Have you done this before?"

Renjun could lie because to admit that he hasn't, that this is totally new territory, and that he wants Donghyuck to be the one to help him cross into it is a heavy and dangerous thing, but he nods sharply. Donghyuck takes a deep breath and Renjun lets his head hang in embarrassment, only to whip back up when he feels Donghyuck kiss next to where his hands rest on his lower back. He mumbles something into Renjun's skin that he can't hear, but he isn't able to ask about it because one of Donghyuck's fingers is starting to breach him, soaked in the lube that Renjun hadn't heard him open, and Renjun bites his lip to hold back the gasp in his throat.

It's so different than it'd been with his own fingers. From the first moment Donghyuck sinks his entire forefinger inside of him, Renjun trembles all over, his finger reaching so much further than Renjun had ever been able to get. There's still an uncomfortable tinge to it at first, like his body doesn't know whether it wants to pull Donghyuck in or push him out, but Renjun waits it out until a second finger joins the first, and he curves them a certain way and Renjun's hands give out in shock at the unadulterated pleasure that hits him. He must cry out because Donghyuck murmurs something reassuring and kisses Renjun on his thigh, all while continuing to finger fuck him, building up speed the more Renjun's body reacts and reciprocates. Renjun pushes back to meet each thrust mindlessly, his body moving on its own, and when Donghyuck introduces another finger Renjun whines so loudly, so embarrassingly, that he wouldn't be surprised if the rest of the party could hear him through the walls and over the throbbing bass. 

"Fuck," Donghyuck grunts and Renjun laughs mutely because—yeah. Fuck. "You're so fucking gorgeous." 

Renjun burns at that and he hides his face in the sheets even if Donghyuck can't see how flushed his cheeks are. He's more than ready for Donghyuck to fuck him—actually fuck him—but Donghyuck seems entranced by the way his fingers disappear inside of him. His knees are shaking and his own cock presses uncomfortably into the bed, the little bit of friction he gets every time he thrusts back to meet Donghyuck's fingers driving him insane. "Come on, Hyuck, seriously," he gasps.

"Hmm?" he murmurs, the pads of his fingertips dragging past that horrible, horribly wonderful spot inside of him. Renjun can practically hear his smirk when it rips another moan out of his throat. "What's that, sweet thing?"

"Fuck off and fucking fuck me or I'm going to—"

"What?" Donghyuck teases. He halts his movements until he's just barely scissoring him open, going so slowly that Renjun's about to tear his own hair out. "You'll what?"

"I'll fucking do it myself, you incorrigible little—"

Donghyuck laughs, warm and breathless, as he removes his fingers from Renjun completely. Before Renjun can protest he feels Donghyuck shifting around behind him and then Donghyuck is pressing against him, hot and hard, and Renjun's breath gets caught in his throat. Donghyuck massages Renjun's hips soothingly as he sheathes himself inside of him fully. Renjun does nothing but lay there, held up by his trembling knees and forearms, his cheek pressed into the bedsheets, every cell in his body yelling Donghyuck's name, though his own voice stays stuck in his throat. Until Donghyuck pulls back out and thrusts in again, hard this time, so deep that Renjun swears he can feel it in his guts.

"Fuck," Renjun manages to whine, no longer embarrassed by how desperate he sounds as Donghyuck fucks him as if his life depends on it. Donghyuck's thrusts are almost punishing, deep, and searching like he wants Renjun to feel him for the next week, but everything else about him is so delicate that Renjun would laugh if he had the ability. His hands are roving, running comfortingly over his sides, his thighs, his back, memorizing the feel of Renjun's flushed skin beneath his palms. He lets out a litany of sweet praises in Renjun's ear—so good, so sweet, so hot. 

Donghyuck eventually finds the perfect angle, where every thrust has Renjun seeing stars, his throat scratchy and sore already from the constant broken noises he lets out, and he pulls Renjun's head up by his hair in order to kiss him. It's so frantic and the way Renjun has to twist his body to taste his tongue is uncomfortable but Renjun moans into Donghyuck's mouth and his hips stutter, gasping out, "I love y— love how tight you are." 

Renjun would never admit how easily his body has surrendered to Donghyuck, how it feels like second nature to match his movements, the way his eyes swim with unshed tears at the sheer overwhelming pleasure, the way he drools into the sheets that he'll have to destroy afterward, God forbid his friends find out what he did in their guest bed. 

"I'm close," Renjun moans when he feels that familiar pull in his belly. He just needs a bit more—Donghyuck gets it and wraps his hand around Renjun's neglected cock where it leaks against the bed, working him in time with his thrusts. Renjun cums with Donghyuck's name on his lips, so hard that his vision whites out and his ears ring and he barely registers Donghyuck following right behind him, biting down on Renjun's shoulder as his own climax rips through him.

Donghyuck collapses on Renjun's back, both of them panting heavily until Renjun becomes antsy and pushes Donghyuck off of him. When he can finally speak, his face still mushed into the sheets, he mumbles, "we have to clean up."

"Yeah," Donghyuck agrees. "In a minute." He pulls Renjun back against him, wrapping his arms around his middle and sighing, and Renjun does nothing to stop either of them from the sleep that overtakes them.

Renjun wakes up before Donghyuck, feeling sticky and disgusting. He disentangles himself from Donghyuck's octopus-like arms and throws on enough clothes that he can make it to the bathroom without giving anyone who might be awake an unwelcome eyeful. Chenle and Jisung's doors are both still shut. He showers quickly and is careful to keep his noise to a minimum. It feels wrong to put back on his dirty clothes after cleaning himself so thoroughly, but he will make do. He returns to the guest bedroom where Donghyuck has curled in on himself, still sound asleep. 

His whole body flushes as memories from the previous night assault him while he overlooks Donghyuck's peaceful sleeping face. He doesn't want to wake him—he tells himself it's because it'd be a shame to disturb him when he's sleeping so well, but it tastes every bit like the lie it is. He manages to leave the apartment without running into anyone and takes the bus home in his walk of shame. 

Once he's in the safety of his bedroom he changes into a fresh pair of clothes before climbing into his own bed and attempting to get a few hours of sleep before his first class—and if he lies in bed the entire time recalling the things Donghyuck had whispered into his ear last night, that's his own business.

Renjun spends the next week thinking about what he should say to Jeno, how he should say it, and when he should say it. For his part, Jeno doesn't seem to notice anything is different. Jaemin comes over for their weekly dinner, bringing boxes of Chinese takeout, and it seems like they've made up for the time being. Renjun excuses himself and spends the night at Chenle's. Chenle spends the time teasing him about Donghyuck. (Renjun knows his thing with Donghyuck is supposed to be a secret, but he's always told Chenle everything as his obligatory unbiased third party.) Renjun hasn't seen Donghyuck since the night of Hendery's birthday party, but he's been so preoccupied with the whole Jeno thing that he hasn't reached out.

Though at times he thinks it's odd how much he finds himself missing Donghyuck—and not always late at night when he's horny or during the time he'd normally be bothering Donghyuck on his work break, but when he's doing the most mundane things.

He sees 13 Going on 30 on Netflix one day and Renjun is brought back to watching it together with Donghyuck, how Donghyuck had been so impassioned about it that he shoved Renjun away when he tried to palm him through his shorts. He skips songs on his Spotify playlist that remind him of dancing in the club with Donghyuck.

He finds Mark in the quad once and he tells him about Jiwon—they've been seeing each other regularly and Mark puts her name in his Instagram bio which he says is a big deal for him. He doesn't bring up Donghyuck, so Renjun doesn't ask, but he walks to class afterward wondering how Donghyuck is taking the news of Mark having another serious girlfriend. It seems like something he'd have to be used to by now, as even Mark himself occasionally loses count of how many exes he's built up in the past few years, but Renjun knows that won't stop the sting.

Still, Renjun tortures himself about the conversation with Jeno he knows is coming. He runs through every possible scenario he can think of. A considerable amount of them end with Jeno kicking him out or Renjun being so embarrassed that he kicks himself out. The biggest problem is that his feelings are such a confusing mess lately that it's almost impossible for him to decide what the solution is for them.

What it always comes back to is confessing. He'll finally have to confess and then he'll go away for a while. He doesn't expect Jeno to be the one to leave the apartment because of Renjun's mess so he'll ask Chenle if he can stay with him, or Hendery, or even one of the seniors he meets up with for study group on occasion—Jaehyun always has an open couch that sees a large rotating cast of characters.

When he can finally dedicate enough of his brain to study, he finds himself in the library on campus, laptop and a melting iced latte in front of him. This would of course be when finally sees Donghyuck again—when Renjun is running on caffeine alone, in his laziest outfit, with bags under his eyes. 

Donghyuck enters the library in a flurry of noise, surrounded by a group of people Renjun's never seen before. Renjun watches through his lashes, keeping his head down, as the group meanders toward the back of the room after being hushed by the librarian.

Donghyuck isn't brooding or crying or inconsolable, like Renjun kind of thought he should be, even though Donghyuck's never cried over Mark and his ever changing girlfriends that Renjun knows of. It makes him wonder why Donghyuck hasn't sought him out in the last week if he hasn't been in bed heartbroken over Mark and Jiwon. What's up with that? He hasn't had time for him? Or maybe he just doesn't want to see him.

It might be slightly hypocritical, he can admit it, because Renjun hasn't gone running around looking for Donghyuck either—not beyond constantly scanning his surroundings at the coffee shop every morning, hoping to see him waiting for Renjun with his disgusting sugar coffee—but it still makes him kind of angry. Renjun has reasons that he hasn't had time to talk to Donghyuck—one reason at least, Jeno Lee.

Renjun tries to focus on the article he's supposed to be reading, but he can't help the way his eyes linger on Donghyuck, watching as his group settles down at one of the largest available tables. Donghyuck sits at the end of the table, farthest from Renjun, and reacts to whatever conversation is going on with his entire body. When he laughs he throws his head back and slaps something—his knee, the table, the person closest to him. If someone's saying something interesting he angles his body toward them, eyes intensely concentrated, mouth parted.

He seems particularly close with the guy next to him. Even from here Renjun can tell he's handsome, in an intense, intimidating way. He wouldn't have pegged him as Donghyuck's type; too many piercings, too severe of a look, too many chains and rings and necklaces. But Donghyuck clings to him, pushing and pulling him this way and that, leaning in to show him something on his phone, whispering in his ear.

Watching them is upsetting him and it's upsetting him more because he doesn't know why. Why it makes his skin itch, his shoulders tense. His stare must be burning because Donghyuck turns away from his group suddenly like he can feel it and scans the library until he spots Renjun. Renjun quickly returns his attention to his laptop, latching onto a random sentence halfway through his assigned article and repeating the words three times in his head before the meaning registers.

"Renjun," he says, suddenly right in front of him. He pulls out the chair across from him and takes a seat. "I didn't realize you were here."

"Hi," Renjun says. "No, yeah. Um— I mean, yeah, working on my American Lit. What are you doing here?"

He gestures to the group he came in with. The guy Donghyuck had been all over is staring at Renjun with sharp eyes. "I'm here with some people from my Contemporary dance class."

Renjun tries to sound as casual as possible when he says, "I haven't seen you around in a few days."

"I've been doing a lot of thinking. Had a lot on my mind."

"Me too, actually," he breathes out. "It's driving me a little crazy. This Jeno thing..."

"Oh," Donghyuck says like that was the last thing he's expecting. "The Jeno thing. What's going on?"

"I don't know," Renjun says. "I'm just gonna...you know. Tell him and try to move on from there. I'll probably end up staying with a friend for a while."

"Wow," he says. "So just like that, you're over him?"

"It's not like that. It hasn't just gone away; I don't know if it will ever totally go away. But I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of hurting other people. Jaemin and Jeno deserve to be happy."

"So do you," Donghyuck says. Renjun shrugs.

"What about you? Whatever's been bothering you alright now?"

"Yeah," he says, nodding carefully. "I guess so. I've come to terms with it."

Renjun winces. "That sounds bad. Is it bad?"

"I don't know yet." He taps his fingers against the desk and Renjun wants to reach out and grab his hand. Because it's annoying. That's the only reason. Donghyuck smiles at him. "We'll see." He stands and Renjun looks back to his assignment, not wanting to watch Donghyuck walk back to his friends.

Before leaving he leans over the table, tips Renjun's chin up with his index finger, and presses a kiss to Renjun's surprised mouth, pulling away before Renjun can command his lips to move. "Do you—you wanna get out of here?" Renjun asks, cursing the way it comes out breathless. The last time Donghyuck kissed him like that it ended up with Renjun on his knees and Donghyuck's fingers bound in his hair.

"No, keep working," Donghyuck says.

"Oh," Renjun says. He wonders why he feels disappointed. "What was that for?"

He shrugs. "Just felt like it." He slings his bag over his shoulder and pushes his chair in, leaving Renjun watching him in a daze.

Renjun, days later, finally comes to terms with what he's going to do. He's worked out the speech in his head, memorized it in front of the bathroom mirror while Jeno sleeps in, thought through every possible reaction he might have. He'll sit him down on Saturday because neither of them has class and Jeno is always most relaxed then. He already has a bag packed, enough of his necessities to make it through a few weeks away. He doesn't know what he'll do in the long term. That's not something he's allowed himself to worry about because it leads to paths of too much anxiety. What happens if Jeno doesn't want him to come back...he can't let himself think about that or he'll lose all his courage.

He's in the kitchen the morning before the Big Day, nerves already on high, trying to get through scrambling eggs without burning them because he's so distracted, when Jeno bursts through the living room. Renjun narrowly avoids screaming, his heart pounding his chest, some of the eggs flying out of the pan and onto the stove.

Renjun hears Jeno enter the kitchen before he sees him, and if the loud stomp of his feet didn't frighten him, then the look on his face would. "What's wrong?" Renjun asks, immediately turning off the burner and moving the pan of eggs so they don't burn. Renjun has never seen Jeno look like this before, a whole slew of emotions on his face that he can't even begin to sort out. He stands there, staring at Renjun, and Renjun's heart thuds even harder if possible. "Jeno, what the fuck is going on?"

"Jaemin and I are taking a break," he says.

Renjun gapes, the surprise keeping him rooted in place. "What? Why? What happened?"

Jeno continues to stare, stepping forward as Renjun takes a hesitant step backward. 

"Jaemin says you're in love with me." His eyes are roving over Renjun's face, desperately looking for any sign to confirm or deny this. Renjun feels like he's standing on the edge of a cliff, the fear and shock and confusion sending a cold chill through his body. 

"He said that."

"Yes," Jeno says. "Why would he say that?"

Renjun wants to scream. He wants to find Jaemin and hit him for interfering before Renjun is ready, wants to push Jeno away for confronting him, wants to run away and pretend none of this happened. But instead, he steadies himself, tightens his grip on the spatula in his hand still wet with egg, and meets Jeno's eyes.

"Jeno...why do you think he would say that?"

He runs his hands through his hair and then over his face, looking small and distressed. "I thought...I've thought at times that you might have a crush on me. But— love? You're in love with me?"

Renjun runs through the script he devised for this moment, all the things he was preparing to say and how he would say them, but none of them stand up to the pressure he feels in this moment.

"I was. Since I was nineteen."

"Was," Jeno repeats. "But not anymore?"

Renjun is against the sink now, nowhere else to go as Jeno continues his advance. "I—I don't know. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to move on." Jeno says nothing and Renjun rushes to fill the silence. "I'm sorry, I never said anything because I knew it was pointless. I was actually going to tell you tomorrow that—"

Jeno kisses him.

Renjun drops the spatula and it clatters to the floor, deafening in the silence, but all Renjun hears is the buzzing in his own ears and the spastic beat of his heart as Jeno kisses him. He doesn't move, doesn't dare breathe until Jeno runs his hand up Renjun's side, hesitant but imploring and then Renjun kisses him back because this is what he wants.

Isn't it?

This is what he's always wanted, what he'd dreamed about for the last four years, what should make his heart soar and his stomach swoop and what should make that flower behind his ribcage bloom beautifully, but instead he feels—

Nothing. Or too much, too much of everything and it feels wrong. Jeno kisses too rough, his teeth gnash Renjun's bottom lip, his hand feels wrong on his waist, everything feels catastrophically wrong and even more bizarre, all Renjun can think of is that first kiss he shared with Donghyuck and how it made him feel and how this, whatever the fuck this is, is the complete opposite.

Jeno pulls back when Renjun goes slack against him. He curses, wiping down Renjun's cheeks with his sleeve because Renjun is crying. "Oh God, I'm sorry. I don't know what—I just. I didn't know. Renjun, I'm sorry." And for some reason that makes Renjun sob harder, and then laugh in between his hiccups. "It's okay," he tries to say but it must not make sense because Jeno is still gaping at him, looking like Renjun has done something absolutely terrible like killed a pet or stabbed someone.

"I'm so sorry," he says again. "I shouldn't have done that.

He leaves, right back out the front door, a much softer exit than his entrance but just as miserable. Renjun sinks to the floor next to the forgotten spatula and sobs.

Renjun doesn't know how long he sits on the kitchen floor, but eventually, he pulls himself together. He throws his wasted eggs in the trash, cleans up his dishes, takes a very hot shower, and gets dressed. He considers going to see Chenle because after Jeno he's the person who's been there for Renjun during some of his hardest moments, but Chenle is not who he really wants to see.

He takes the bus to Donghyuck's dorm, not bothering to check if either he or Jaemin are home first, and Donghyuck answers the door alone when he gets there. He leaves the door open but says nothing, sitting down at his desk where his laptop is open and his textbooks are spread out. Renjun quietly closes the door behind him.

"I guess Jeno told you what happened," Donghyuck says.

"Did Jaemin tell you what he was going to do?" Renjun asks. He glances at Jaemin's empty bed. "Where is he?"

"He gave me the gist. And I don't know where he's at now; he didn't come home after."

"He told him. Jeno. That I was—" He swallows and sits on the sofa. Donghyuck closes his textbook and swivels his chair around to stare at him. "Did you know he was going to do that?"

"No," Donghyuck says. "He just said he was meeting up with Jeno, and that he'd probably want to go get wasted tonight."

"Yeah, well. He did. Jeno confronted me about it and—" He stops, hesitant to relay the details to Donghyuck.

"What?"

"Jeno kissed me."

Renjun fidgets while Donghyuck absorbs that. His face remains impassive, only the slight twitch of his lips giving away any emotion. Finally, he huffs out a sigh, rolls his chair back to his desk, and says, "Really? You must be ecstatic, then."

"It wasn't like that. He just kissed me and I..." He doesn't want to admit that a kiss sent him into hysterics the way it did. "Then he apologized and left.

"Did you come here to end it? Our arrangement—we agreed to let the other person know if you start sleeping with someone else. If he kissed you it must mean something. This is what you've been waiting for, isn't it?"

Renjun wishes Donghyuck would turn around so he could see his face. Talking to his cold back is so impersonal it makes his chest ache. "I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen or how I feel."

"Sure you do," Donghyuck says, and now he turns around, but his face is closed off. "You've wanted this for years and now you've got it. Who cares if you had to break up a happy relationship to do it?"

"What the fuck, Donghyuck? I didn't want this to happen—not like this. I didn't set out to try and ruin their relationship, I was actively trying to avoid that. How could you even think that?" He stands up suddenly, needing to move, to do something with the adrenaline building up. "I just don't know what I want. I don't know what the fuck to do. I came over here because I thought talking to you would help. You were—" the first person I wanted to see, he thinks.

"It's pretty simple. Either you want to go chasing after Jaemin's leftovers or you don't."

Renjun seethes. "Fuck you!" he yells hotly, crossing the room to the front door and gripping the handle tightly. "Are you jealous or something? Because you know Mark will never give you the time of day; because you've never even had a chance?"

Donghyuck jumps to his feet, the force sending his chair flying back as he stomps toward Renjun. "You're a fucking idiot."

"I'm an idiot?! You're the one who fell in love with a straight guy who'll—"

"I'm in love with you, you asshole!" Donghyuck cries, pushing Renjun back into the door by his shoulders. "And you're right, I'm an idiot because I thought maybe you were starting to feel the same. I thought that stupid night at the fair was going to be a date, and that last night we fucked was so different, and I kissed you in the library and I thought— Yeah, I am the idiot because I fall in love with straight guys or guys like you who waste their entire lives loving someone who won't love them back." He laughs sharply. "Or not! I'm happy for you and Jeno, really, Renjun, I am. I wish you two a happy life together," he reaches past Renjun to pull open the door before shoving Renjun, still as a statue, out of it.

"Donghyuck, wait—"

"I'm busy. Goodbye, Renjun."

Renjun reaches out as the door slams shut in his face.

Donghyuck is in love with him.

Donghyuck is in love with him.

Jaemin and Jeno broke up. Jeno kissed him and fled. Donghyuck is in love with him.

Renjun's brain must be short-circuiting. Jeno is still gone when Renjun runs home and locks himself in his bedroom, face planting on his bed and screaming into his pillow.

A month ago Jeno kissing him would have been momentous. It would have been the answer to every 11:11 wish he's ever made since he was nineteen. If it had been a month ago, Renjun would have taken Jeno by the shoulders, kissed him back like he was starving for it, pressed every reason he fell for Jeno into his skin with lips and fingertips.

Or maybe not. It's been over six months since he met Donghyuck, four months since they first touched each other, three weeks since Donghyuck first kissed him—since the first time they had sex. Renjun doesn't know at what point it happened but somewhere along the way their arrangement stopped being about Jeno or Mark, stopped being about anything other than Renjun aching with the desire to have Donghyuck.

He's been selfish in thinking he could have Donghyuck physically and still keep his heart for Jeno. Not that it worked because Donghyuck sunk his teeth in anyway and now Renjun is alone in bed replaying Donghyuck's wretched confession to him on repeat.

They've all been so selfish, so stupid, and now...it's all come crashing down.

Renjun waits for Jeno to come home. He sits on the sofa in the silent living room preparing himself for what he should have done months ago, years ago. Jeno doesn't return until much later when the only thing keeping Renjun awake is the anxiety churning in his gut. He opens and closes the door softly, tosses his shoes by the door, and stops on the way to his bedroom when he sees Renjun waiting on him.

"Renjun," Jeno breathes, hesitating on what to say next.

"Come sit," Renjun says, gesturing to the couch across from him. "We have to talk."

"Yeah," he agrees. "I need to apologize."

"For the kiss."

"No. Well, yes, but not just that." He sighs, squeezing his knees nervously. "I haven't been fair to you at all. Or Jaemin, or Donghyuck." He laughs softly, self-deprecating, "or myself."

"I should have told you a long time ago," Renjun cuts in. He finds it hard to meet Jeno's eyes as they're so sincere even now. "How I felt about you. I didn't think it mattered because I never thought you could like me back, but I still let it eat me up inside and it made me so bitter."

"No, Renjun, listen." Jeno straights his shoulders and scoots to the edge of his seat. "I knew that you— that you liked me. I thought it was cute at first, I was flattered even though I never saw you like that. And I waited for you to get over it, to move on, to start dating, to do anything more than the occasional fling with random guys but you never did and I— it got to my head." Jeno looks like he wants to avert his gaze, his cheeks warm with shame, but he holds Renjun's eyes imploringly. "I liked the attention and at some point, I started to feel like...like you were mine. Like you were mine to keep even if I could never feel the same; I know how fucked up that sounds, it makes me sick to realize what I was doing, but I hated seeing you with Donghyuck because sometimes I would look at you and you'd be looking at him like you— how you used to look at me."

Renjun's eyes burn, the embarrassment coiling in his stomach, nausea at the back of his throat, and he pinches himself to keep from crying (again).

"And kissing you like that was the stupidest, most self-centered thing I could have done, and Renjun I am sorry because I genuinely can't—I don't feel that way about you. I love Jaemin, even if he thinks I'm an asshole, even if I am an asshole. I'm sorry." Jeno's eyes are wet and he rubs at them uselessly.

"It's...it's okay. I can still feel it, you know? Like it's wilting but I can call it back; how intense my feelings were for you, how much it hurt, or how incredible it was when you'd do something to stoke the flames, but it's just a memory. Kissing you helped me realize that I've been unfair, too. I've held you up on this pedestal, this impossible standard that no one else would ever be able to complete with, Jeno Lee, my Jeno as if you were some untouchable being for me to obsess over. 'Cause that's what it was: an obsession, an infatuation. And it took kissing you, among other things, for me to come to the realization that I'm not in love with you anymore. I don't know if what it was could even be called that because I don't think love should hurt more than it heals.

"I still love you like I have since we were kids," he continues, ignoring the urge to reach and hold Jeno's hand, "as my best friend, but I'm not in love with you. I don't want to lose our friendship. It means the world to me and because of that I've decided to move out, at least for a while."

"No, if anyone should move out it should be me," Jeno argues. Renjun holds his hand up to stop him and Jeno closes his mouth.

"I need to do this. I'm going to stay with Chenle for now and we can't see each other for a while. Not until I can look at you normally again."

Jeno nods and this time he does reach out, a small pat on Renjun's knee. "You'll always be my best friend. I can wait as long as you need until we can be okay again."

"Thanks," Renjun says. "I'd hug you but I think it would be counterproductive."

Jeno laughs wetly and sniffles. He helps Renjun carry his bags out of the apartment and down to the bus stop, waiting with him until the bus turns up.

"I'll see you?"

"Yeah," Renjun says, hauling his bags behind him. "You will."

It's some kind of sick joke that the universe is playing on him that as soon as he manages to stop pining over Jeno, he ends up pining over Donghyuck.

Time away from his apartment does him well on the Jeno front. He finds that, shockingly enough, not being surrounded by him or his things 24/7 does wonders on his ability to stop obsessing over him. Instead, he tries to focus on his coursework and exams and the "get-togethers" Chenle keeps throwing that end up with a packed house and Renjun relocating himself to the guest bedroom with the door locked to prevent random drunkards from stumbling in on him.

The keyword is: tries. He tries to do all that, but it's no longer Jeno who's distracting him. It's Donghyuck. It's the last conversation they had, it's Renjun now overanalyzing every conversation they've ever had looking for clues as to when Donghyuck started to have feelings for him. He constantly finds himself wondering what Donghyuck is doing. He looks for him in the quad and the library, and even once on his way to the performing arts section peeking into practice rooms hoping to see him.

He doesn't find Donghyuck but he does run into his scary, pierced friend who spots Renjun from down the hallway and crosses the distance between them in an alarmingly fast but casual pace, slapping Renjun on the shoulder and smiling down at him—something that frightens Renjun more than when he hadn't expressed any emotion.

"I know you," he says.

"Uh?" Renjun says. The guy pulls him along, walking down the corridor together like they're casual acquaintances.

"You're Hyuck's."

Not his friend, or his something, just his. He's almost embarrassed by how much that pleases him.

"I'm Renjun."

"Yuta," he says, pointing a finger at himself. His nails are painted in chipped black polish. Before Renjun can speak he says, "He hasn't been around. I see you on campus looking for him."

Renjun splutters, trying to jerk Yuta's hand off of him, but he tightens his grip. "How do you know what I'm—"

"Donghyuck tells me a lot. More than most, I would assume, because he trusts me. Lately, he's been distant. He's overworking himself. I have a hunch that you have something to do with that."

Yuta is...freakishly perceptive. Renjun doesn't know if he should be glad that Donghyuck has someone like that looking out for him or nervous that he knows someone like Yuta in the first place.

"I screwed up," he admits. "I want to fix it. I will fix it, but first I have to get the rest of my shit together. I have to be sure of what I want before I involve him in my mess again."

"Hm," Yuta says wisely. He pats Renjun's shoulder before releasing him.

"When you do see him can you just tell him that—" That he's sorry. That he's done nothing but make mistakes since he's known Donghyuck, but Donghyuck is not one of those mistakes. That he'd like Donghyuck to wait for him. "Never mind, um. I'm going to be late for class."

Yuta stops him before Renjun's turned the corner. "When he's serious about something he won't suddenly change his mind. You have time to get your shit together. And one more thing," he says before Renjun can leave, "Hyuck really likes those black jeans you wear; the ones with the rips in the back. Just an idea, you know, for when you do decide to see him."

Renjun wonders how the hell Yuta knows about what jeans he owns, but he's gone by the time he gets his mouth to work again.

The last person he expects to be waiting for him at the front door—after Chenle helpfully announced that someone was here to see him, no emphasis on who that someone might be—is Jaemin. 

"Come in," Renjun says before he can speak. He shows Jaemin to the guest bedroom he's been staying in, ignoring the way Chenle goggles at them. Once they're in private he gestures for Jaemin to take a seat on the bed. He hesitates before sitting next to him. "You look terrible."

Jaemin snorts, rubbing at the dark circles under his eyes. "I don't think I've felt this shitty since I went through Hell Week my freshman year."

"You were in a frat?"

"I didn't make it that far. I quit during Hell Week when they started trying to make us sleep in coffins for the night." Renjun blinks. "I'm super claustrophobic."

"I should tell you—"

"I already know," Jaemin says with a rueful smile. "Jeno kissed you. You cried."

Renjun flushes because Jeno surely didn't have to relay that part of their encounter. "You guys have talked? Since the break?"

Jaemin nods. "We've been talking again. Slowly. I never intended this to be permanent, but then he went and kissed you—the last person on Earth I'd be okay with him kissing, no offence—so now we have even more to work through."

Renjun swallows. "Jaemin, I genuinely hope things work out between you guys. I don't know how much Jeno has told you, but I'm— It's not like that anymore. It hasn't been for a while, even though it took me long enough to realize. I'm not in love with him."

"Yeah," Jaemin says.

"I'm serious. I don't—"

"No, I know. I believe you. You're not as discrete as you think you are, dude; I can see the difference in the way you look at him." He pauses to compose his thoughts. "I didn't come here to interrogate you. I want to apologize. If Jeno and I are going to be serious about each other—and believe me, Renjun, I've never been this serious about someone before—then you're going to be part of my life too. I regret a lot of things I said and did to you."

"You didn't really do or say anything," Renjun points out.

"I did. Well, most of the things I regret saying were just about you, not to you." He smirks at Renjun. "But I did interfere a lot, more than you realize. I pushed both you and Donghyuck when it wasn't my business because I was insecure and jealous. So, I'm sorry. Truly."

"I'm sorry too," Renjun says. "I've also said a lot of terrible things about you, not to you." Jaemin manages to laugh while glaring. "I want us to be friends. And about Donghyuck—"

Jaemin makes a noise between a gasp and a squeal, turning to Renjun with wide eyes. "Do tell me about Donghyuck. He's been incorrigible. He won't tell me anything and he completely shuts me out when I even mention your name. Tell me everything."

And Renjun, for whatever reason, does tell him everything. From the moment they met at the movie theater to their first kiss to his last odd meeting with Yuta. By the time he's done Jaemin looks ready to slap him, or Donghyuck, or probably both.

"You're both idiots," he says in awe. "I thought Jeno and I were a mess, but you guys are a fucking disaster."

"Thank you, Jaemin, that's helpful."

"You are! I'm just saying." He shrugs. "Anyway, you know how Donghyuck feels. What about you?"

"I..." He takes a deep breath, the words he has yet to tell anyone on the tip of his tongue. "I like him. I really, really like him."

"So what the fuck are you doing moping around here like some sad-sack instead of going out there and getting your man?"

Renjun rolls his eyes. "I'm not doing that! There's an order to these things. I don't want to tell him until the rest of this mess is settled—the Jeno thing. I want him to know for sure that I want to be with him for him. No pretense, no arrangement, no reason except that I want him."

Jaemin sighs like this is painstaking for him. "I still think it's stupid to wait when you know what you want. But I'll help in whatever way I can."

"No!" Renjun says quickly, scrambling after Jaemin as he heads for the door. "I'm not asking for your help!"

"Relax," he says. He has the audacity to wink. "I've got it."

Renjun follows him to the front door, begging Jaemin not to interfere or try to mastermind some situation, but Jaemin just laughs, pulls him into a hug, and leaves.

Chenle's laugh echoes in the silence.

When Renjun and Jeno finally start hanging out again it's awkward and Renjun makes sure they're never alone.

They go out to lunch with Chenle; Chenle buffers the conversation between them by talking about the video game he spent 8 hours straight playing. They study in the library with Hendery; Hendery does not study and instead makes comments about how uncomfortable they're making him. He even goes to a party one night with Jeno and Jaemin. It ends up being the least awkward of all of their outings because Jaemin is great at not leaving any gap in their conversation for silence to set in, especially not when he has endless updates for Renjun about what Donghyuck has done that day—whether or not he ate breakfast, how long he stayed in the dorm, what time he came back, what his temperament seemed to be.

Slowly, things return to normalcy. He and Jeno chat on the phone, they make plans for just the two of them, they reminisce about high school and middle school over Vodka in Chenle's living room. It's natural and Renjun doesn't spend any of their time together waxing poetic about him.

Jaemin and Jeno snap back together like magnets. They both say they want to take things slow, but when Renjun leaves them alone to grab ice and comes back to find Jaemin in Jeno's lap, hands under his shirt, he supposes it's been slow enough for the two of them.

Renjun can appreciate now what he couldn't before; the way Jaemin and Jeno fit together. He watches them communicate without speaking, sharing kisses in places that seem obscenely more intimate than if they just started making out right in front of him—a kiss on the inside of Jeno's wrist, one below Jaemin's earlobe, and the time Jeno passes out first and Jaemin kisses each of his eyelids, his eyelashes twitching against his lips. 

It causes all kinds of fluttering sensations in his gut, not out of jealousy, but because he wants that for himself. He wants it with Donghyuck. It's almost harder for him to admit it than it was for him to ever admit his feelings for Jeno. Renjun, despite the hope he always carried with him, has never once thought Jeno would like him back or choose to be with him. It made it easy to acknowledge, but with Donghyuck— Renjun had a chance, even if he didn't realize it, he had a chance and he blew it. All he can do now is hope that Donghyuck doesn't grow to shut him out forever before Renjun is ready to show him how he feels in return.

If Donghyuck moves on or decides he doesn't want anything to do with Renjun anymore, he'll respect that. He'll have to even though just the thought of it makes his heart squeeze painfully in his chest. There's so much he wants to do with Donghyuck, for them to show each other, to learn about each other, until Renjun knows all of his quirks and habits and likes and dislikes like the back of his own hand. He wants to take him on dates, argue about who will pay the bill, hold hands on the way to class or to get coffee, and to fall asleep to Donghyuck's face and wake up to it in the morning.

It's a whole month before Renjun sees Donghyuck again.

Chenle and Jisung throw another party, a week after Chenle's birthday, the first week of December which strikes everyone as an odd time to party—though that doesn't stop anyone from going. Renjun is still living out of their guest bedroom but this time he decides to join the rest of his friends in the living room. Jaemin and Jeno sport ugly matching Christmas sweaters and drink spiked eggnog. Chenle and Jisung argue over a game of Speed, even as bodies keep running into the coffee table and scattering the playing cards. Hendery is back with his ex and he sits in her lap in the corner of the room, his hair now hot pink, ignoring the rest of them. Yukhei sits with Renjun in the middle of the rest of their friends, watching their interactions while sipping the last cold beers that were left in the fridge before random people started to raid it.

Renjun is listening to Jaemin make holiday plans for all of them—something about a Christmas party at his parent's house that they're all invited to—when he sees Mark enter the room, hand in hand with Jiwon. Renjun hasn't seen Mark in a month either, but knows from his constant Instagram updates that Jiwon is now his longest relationship. Behind them is Donghyuck, looking to anyone else like he's comfortable and casual, but Renjun can read him so well now. He feels awkward; he keeps pulling on the end of his shirt and sticking his hands in his pockets only to remove them a moment later. He keeps his eyes on one focal point—this being the side of the room where one of Renjun's study group members is freestyle rapping (terribly)—and Renjun takes the moment to drink him in.

Seeing Donghyuck again is like waking up at three in the morning and gulping down a glass of water wildly. Renjun breathes him in, the confident way he holds himself even when he's uncomfortable, the clothes he's picked out that fit him in all the right ways, the way his hair is extra curly tonight and has Renjun reeling with how badly he wants him. It's not enough, no matter how many times he runs his eyes up and down his figure, Renjun itches with the desire to touch, to hold, to claim. 

He doesn't know if he should slip back into his guest bedroom before Donghyuck spots him, walk up to Donghyuck and greet him, or continue to sit rigid in his spot between his friends while staring guilelessly at him. He chooses the last one because he feels like he physically can't move. His grip has tightened on his can of beer and he accidentally jerks his hand when Yukhei bumps him, sending the beer spilling down the front of his pants and onto the floor.

"Fuck!" he swears, jumping to his feet immediately and attempting to rub the liquid out with his hand. Jisung quickly runs to the kitchen for paper towels while Yukhei apologizes, but Renjun is stuck in his spot as the commotion causes Mark and Jiwon, and in turn, Donghyuck, to stare at him. He meets Donghyuck's eyes, which widen an almost imperceptible fraction, and Renjun's feet finally allow him to book it to his bedroom.

He dries himself off and swaps out his high-waisted pants for a pair of snug sweatpants. He doesn't want to go back out there yet so he sits in bed, staring at the wall, counting the seconds going by in his head. He counts six hundred seconds, ten minutes later, before he builds the courage to head back into the party. Everyone is still where he left them, minus Yukhei who has wandered off, and Donghyuck who is no longer with Mark or Jiwon and nowhere that Renjun can see. 

"That was terrible," Jaemin comments. "Really terrible."

"Yeah."

"Like, really funny but really terrible," he continues.

"I think he gets it, babe," Jeno says, patting Jaemin's thigh to reign him in.

"He's in the kitchen," Chenle comments without looking up from his game with Jisung. "If you're going to make a move, you should do it soon. There's this frat guy who was all over him at Hendery's birthday and I'm pretty sure he followed Donghyuck into the kitchen." He does look up when he says, "I haven't seen him come back."

Renjun pinches himself. "I'm not making a move," he mumbles.

"Oh, Renjun," Jaemin says, soft and sad, "don't you think you've punished yourself enough?"

"That's not what I'm doing!" He lowers his voice when a few people turn to stare at him. "I'm trying to do this right."

"Right for who?" he asks. "You or him?"

"Him," he answers automatically and then sighs. "For me too. I'm not ready...I need a little more time."

Still, Renjun finds himself wandering to the kitchen only a few minutes later. It's busy with people mixing drinks and devouring the bowls of chips Jisung had set out. Donghyuck is pressed back against the fridge with some guy leaning over him, a disgustingly buttery smile on his face. This must be the senior from Kappa Tau that Hendery mentioned, the one Chenle had supposedly warned off, whatever that means. Renjun watches them from behind a couple of girls doing Jello shots. Donghyuck doesn't appear to be too interested in the guy if the way he keeps rolling his eyes and looking toward the living room as if he's waiting for an escape is any indication. He can't hear what they're saying but Renjun bets it's slimy. The guy runs a hand over Donghyuck's thigh and Donghyuck smacks it away.

Renjun decides it's time to intervene. He pushes past the group of girls and approaches the two of them loud enough to have Donghyuck looking over at him. 

"What's up?" Renjun asks, directing it toward the Kappa Tau guy. 

"Not much," he says without taking his eyes off Donghyuck. 

"Who invited you?"

He looks at Renjun now, making a show of craning his neck down to stare at him. "No one in particular. I've got all kinds of friends here."

"This one of them?" Renjun asks, nodding at Donghyuck. Donghyuck purses his lips but says nothing, his arms crossed over his chest. The turtleneck he wears tonight is cropped above his belly button and the rips in his jeans are accented with fishnet that stands out starkly against his skin. Renjun tries not to get distracted. 

"Sure is," the guy answers lowly. He smiles at Donghyuck, all teeth, and Donghyuck's top lip curls.

"Doesn't really look like it."

"You got a problem, man? You should step off before I give you one."

The guy is definitely bigger than Renjun, in height and width, but Renjun has never once let that stop him from picking (or ending) a fight. The only thing that does stop him from responding, or maybe forgoing a response altogether to punch this guy in the face, is Donghyuck grabbing Renjun by the elbow and pulling him away. 

"Hey!" the guy yells after them, "The fuck?" 

Donghyuck ignores him and yanks Renjun through the living room and into the hallway where the bedrooms are. Renjun contemplates if he should invite Renjun inside the guest bedroom but Donghyuck shuts that idea down by shoving Renjun into the cracked open door, sending him staggering back inside. Donghyuck follows him in, shutting the door behind him, as Renjun stops himself from hitting the floor by grabbing onto the dresser. 

"Donghyuck—"

"What the fuck was that?" he seethes. "You haven't talked to me in over a month and then you show up here looking like that and try to defend my honor or some bullshit?"

"I'm living here," Renjun says. "For now, I mean. I told you I'd end up staying with one of my friends after—the Jeno thing."

"I didn't know you meant here. I wouldn't have come if I'd known that." 

Renjun tries to ignore the way that stings. "Did you really not expect to see me at a party thrown by one of my friends?"

Donghyuck clenches his fists and averts his eyes. "Jaemin told me you wouldn't be coming tonight."

Oh. "Oh," Renjun says brilliantly. "I'm sorry, fuck. He thinks he's trying to help me by—"

Donghyuck laughs bitterly. "What exactly do you need help with? Ignoring me for another month and a half?" He shoves Renjun backward again. "You're a fucking coward."

"I wasn't—" Donghyuck shoves him again when he speaks and Renjun avoids falling by grabbing Donghyuck by the wrists. "Listen to me! I wasn't ignoring you, Hyuck." Donghyuck rolls his eyes and tries to pull his arms back but Renjun holds on tight. "Please just listen to me! It's not like that."

Donghyuck's not listening. "It didn't work out between you and Jeno, I'm so sorry to hear that by the way, just terribly sorry, it really must suck." His attempt to yank his wrists free works and he uses the opportunity to shove Renjun again; this time his back hits the balcony door and it rattles beneath his shoulders.

"There was nothing between me and Jeno!" Renjun grabs Donghyuck by the shoulders when he goes to turn away and Donghyuck makes an annoyed noise, trying to shake Renjun's hands off. "There was nothing between me and Jeno. I talked to him after leaving your dorm that day. I told him—I told him about how I felt." Donghyuck struggles harder at this and Renjun moves one of his hands from Donghyuck's shoulder to his cheek, gently cupping his jaw. "I told him how I used to feel. Before we...before you."

Donghyuck goes stock-still and Renjun captures his gaze, imploring Donghyuck to do what he does so well and see all the way through him. 

"I moved out. Jeno and I decided not to see each other for a while, not until I was able to be around him without feeling bitter or uncomfortable or upset. We only recently started hanging out again. I was not trying to ignore you, Donghyuck, I was trying to...I was trying to fix it all. I was going to wait until I'd sorted everything out so that when I came to you and told you—" Donghyuck's eyes widen, his lips parted in surprise and Renjun carefully traces his bottom lip with his thumb, "so that when I come to you and tell you that I'm in love with you, that you'll know I mean it. You'll know I'm not saying it to make someone jealous or to use you to get over someone, but because I love you...just because. Because you're you. Because you piss me off and make me laugh and I look for you in every single room I walk into. You're gorgeous and passionate and I can't stop thinking about you; I haven't been able to for a while now."

Renjun watches Donghyuck's mouth open and close, his eyes frantically searching Renjun's, and Renjun gives him everything, opens himself up for Donghyuck to see it all, the anxiety, the second-guessing, the worrying that Donghyuck wouldn't wait, the fear that Renjun had messed up too much, and then the good things too—the adoration, the admiration, the longing, the yearning, and the love. 

Donghyuck takes a shaky breath. "You're waiting to tell me all of that..." Renjun nods. "After you fix all your shit and make amends and turn your life around, you're going to come find me and tell me that." Renjun closes his eyes as Donghyuck caresses his cheek, leaning into the touch like a cat to its owner. "What if I don't want to wait?"

"What?"

"What if I don't want to wait? What if I want you now? I get what you're trying to do and it's noble or whatever, but I'm already in love with you, Renjun, I told you that. I don't want to wait for you to be some perfect guy with all his shit in line. I like that you're a fucking idiot sometimes, that you're messy and useless at sorting out your feelings and fucking stupid."

"Hey," Renjun frowns.

"I like all of those things about you. I don't need you to change." Donghyuck pulls Renjun in close with his other hand on Renjun's back, pressing them together chest to chest. "We can figure it out together. So tell me now. Don't wait; tell me now."

Renjun kisses him, putting everything he has into this one kiss as if it's the last one he'll ever have, every shared breath between the two of them Renjun uses as another way to show the man in front of him how and why he loves him, presses it into his hips with his fingers and then runs them up his sides, imbuing every slide of their lips together with his gratitude and appreciation and love.

And Donghyuck kisses him back.

+++

"Where does this go?" Jaemin holds up the ugly blue oblong vase that Donghyuck bought them at a yard sale. 

"In the trash," Renjun says.

"The fuck it does," Donghyuck says, rushing from his spot on the floor over to Jaemin. He takes the vase from him and holds it up to the light from the open window, showing off the flaws that liter its body. Cracks and places where the clay bulges out and distorts like whoever crafted it had never used their hands before that moment. Donghyuck sets it on the fireplace, ignoring Renjun's glare as he gestures to it with a flourish. "See? It's beautiful."

Jeno looks up from the cardboard box he's cutting open labeled BREAKABLE. DO NOT FUCKING BREAK in Donghyuck's thick Sharpie handwriting. "You're really keeping that?"

"No," Renjun says right as Donghyuck says, "of course."

They share a look. Renjun's scowl melts when Donghyuck grins unperturbed and skips over to him, leaning down to kiss him sweetly. Renjun stops him from moving back by splaying his fingers on the back of his neck, pulling him in closer, and opening his lips so Donghyuck can run his tongue along the roof of his mouth. 

Jaemin and Jeno share a look behind them.

"Have we ever been that disgusting?" Jaemin asks wistfully.

"Yes," Jeno says. Renjun laughs into Donghyuck's mouth. 

"Whatever," Jaemin says.

Renjun lets Donghyuck pull back and he returns to the opposite side of the room where he's arranging their photos to hang on the wall. Renjun shuffles the papers in front of him around, the sketches for his personal projects and his work projects all scattered together. 

"So, how long will this one last?" Jaemin asks, gesturing to the room around them.

Renjun shrugs. They chose this apartment because it was the closest to both Donghyuck's studio and the plot of land they bought almost two years ago that holds the foundation of their future home, making it easy for them to commute back and forth without using a bunch of extra gas or bus money. 

"We'd be done moving around by now if Donghyuck hadn't suddenly decided he wanted a sunroom when the damn house was almost built."

"Shut up," Donghyuck says distracted by the picture he can't get to hang straight. The photo is one that has always hung in every place they've lived since it was taken—Jaemin and Jeno in their matching tuxes, arm in arm, Donghyuck and Renjun on either side of them as their best men, and the rest of their friends gathered around them. "Do you realize how hot it would be to fuck in a sunroom? All that glass, the natural light coming in, the way anyone could walk by..."

"It would be quite hot, literally," Jeno says with a snicker that no one else returns. "I mean, you should genuinely be careful doing that when the summer heat waves hit."

"Gross," Jaemin wrinkles his nose. "Why don't you build a pool while you're at it? Jeno and I want a pool, don't we, babe?"

"Jaemin wants a pool," Jeno says, "and I want Jaemin to have whatever he wants."

"I'm not putting in a pool because your husband wants it," Renjun says. He looks to Donghyuck for agreement but Donghyuck has dropped his photo frames to stare at Renjun, that intrigued light in his eyes that has Renjun cursing before he speaks. 

"We are definitely building a pool," Donghyuck says. Jaemin claps and Jeno laughs.

"Not until after we've moved in," Renjun says with a sigh. If Donghyuck wants a pool, he'll give him a pool. His ability to hold out on things his boyfriend wants wanes each passing year they're together; six years later and Renjun's barely holding on to it. Donghyuck grins at him and it takes Renjun's breath away, causing him to cross the room for him and press another kiss to his lips. "We have the rest of our lives for a pool."

Donghyuck smiles into the kiss, rubbing a wandering hand down Renjun's back, and Renjun smirks before beginning to pull Donghyuck toward the new bedroom.

"Hey!" Jaemin calls from the floor, surrounded by unopened cardboard boxes of all of their belongings. "We're not unboxing this shit on our own! Get back here, you horny bastards!"

Donghyuck's answering laugh drowns out the rest of Jaemin's curses.