Archive of Our Own

Flynn couldn’t really remember a time before knowing Julie. It was funny because she didn't remember actually meeting her, no they’d just always been together in the New York Institute, their rooms right opposite of each other.

They’d declared they were going to be parabatai when they were six. They barely knew what being parabatai meant, but from what Flynn understood it was like getting the official title of best friends forever and that sounded very fitting in their situation. They didn’t do the ritual until they were fourteen, but they never once wavered or questioned their decision.

Flynn's parents were teachers in the Academy, had moved to Idris when she was ten. The original plan was for her to have gone with them but she’d declared she wasn’t leaving and that parabatai should stay at the same place. It was a great argument to be honest but Flynn was ready to sneak back inside the Institute if needed either way.

Rose and Ray had happily agreed to take care of her in the New York Institute. It wasn’t like she didn’t see her parents anymore, sometimes it was just a weekend, sometimes it was a couple of weeks and others a few months. Flynn had never really complained, Rose and Ray had never treated her nothing less like they did Julie and Carlos, they were all her family.

And then they’d started actually training and Flynn had entered a whole new world. They’d read a lot, they’d be taught about different fighting skills and techniques, but when they finally got into it she found herself more focused than ever. She usually got bored with theory, she’d learnt runes, and Shadowhunter history and Downworlder history, different languages, types of demons... She wasn’t what you’d call a model student. She tried to pay attention, but found her mind wandering. Thank the Angel for Julie because she wouldn’t have gone through any of those without her.

But training... Jace had said she was a natural and when Jace fucking Herondale tells you that, what more can you ask for, right? She’d gone through all the different weapons in the Institute trying to find what fit her best until she'd settled on the throwing knives. Not that she couldn’t handle everything else, but since they were picking...

Julie had her whip and they’d started training together, easily fitting with each other, almost as if they had an unspoken communication. That had only grown more intense after the parabatai ritual.

They were seventeen when Rose died. Flynn was hurt and in pain, but not as much as Julie. She could feel everything through the parabatai bond, she could spot a really bad day before she’d even seen her in the morning and she was trying to do anything she could to not let her drown alone in grief and sorrow. It was one of the few times she’d missed her parents in the past seven years. She loved them and she knew they'd be there for her whenever she needed them just like they’d come back now, but she’d never felt alone. Losing one of the parental figures in her life... it’d hurt.

She was well aware of what was out there and what they risked every time they went out, every Shadowhunter was. She knew the risk and she wasn’t naive to believe that nothing was ever going to hurt them just because they were good at what they did. It still hurt though.

Coming to Los Angeles had been the best idea Flynn had ever had, hands down, and everyone agreed with it. Carrie had been one of the most interesting people she’d ever met and they just had so much in common, it was hard not to spend so much time together at first, especially when Julie and the guys vibrated in an entirely different level than them.

Flynn liked to think she was pretty in touch with her feelings, so she’d say she fell in love about a week in? Yeah, that sounds right. What was there not to love? Carrie was amazing, she was fierce, fearless, straightforward and protective as fuck. Just like that she was caring and sweet and giggled every time Flynn did something cute and it’d taken Flynn a week to fall.

And now Julie was getting married! Not that she was surprised, that thing Julie and Luke had going on was pretty evident to anyone who came in contact with them, if anything Flynn was surprised Julie had waited so long. She and Luke had been throwing suggestion after suggestion on the table and for some reason - the reason being that Julie and Luke were not practical - it was Flynn and Alex that had taken point on organizing the wedding. If they left them alone they would organize their dream wedding in their heads and have no idea how to put it out there. No, Flynn and Alex were there to make sure there was an actual wedding.

Flynn had lost herself in the preparations a bit. Patrols and missions were still going as planned, but this was proving to be more fun that she’d expected and along with Alex they made a great team. Good cop, bad cop. She filled the empty spaces with creative attainable ideas and he kept them grounded because they couldn’t get everything they wanted.

Julie hadn't asked her to be her suggenes, it was more like something that'd been implied since forever. Luke hadn’t exactly chosen between Alex and Reggie until they decided that hey, there’s no law that says I can’t have you both up there so we’re doing this. No one was really surprised.

And so with everyone being happy and in a joyous mood, she’d allowed herself to believe that for a short period of time they were invincible.

But they weren’t.

"No one has heard from Julie and Reggie in the past fifteen minutes!" Flynn shouted. "Do not tell me to calm down."

"The building has been sealed off, they are in here!" Fuego told her.

"With a demented warlock!"

"I'll admit, that’s not ideal," he said and Flynn was this close to going off at him but they had to find the others first.

They were in Caleb's club and she hated that club more than anything else in her entire life. Ever since they’d taken him down it'd remained abandoned and eventually become a hotspot for anyone causing trouble. They'd been trying to stay on top of it, there were always people patrolling close and activity had gone down, but they’d still come across Downworlders and Shadowhunters doing different kinds of illegal shit they shouldn’t be doing. So tonight they were helping Fuego with a warlock situation.

They'd spotted her in the club and had split up going in, it was still huge and a lot of ground to cover. Alex and Luke were on the ground and first couple floors, Carrie, Flynn and Fuego in the middle and Julie with Reggie on the higher ones. The two of them were supposed to touch base ten minutes ago. They hadn’t.

They were running upstairs just like Luke and Alex a few floors below them, Flynn feeling an itch somewhere in the back of her head she couldn’t scratch. They were going through doors, coming upon empty rooms which only made Flynn want to scream until the itch turned into an ache and then suddenly there was blinding pain.

She fell on her knees with a scream, her head in her hands. Carrie was in front of her saying something, only Flynn couldn’t hear anything over her head trying to split open. And then suddenly it was over. Just as fast as it'd come she was now fine, getting up without a second thought.

"Wait, Flynn-" Carrie started to say.

"Its Julie!" Flynn said knowing full well where the headache was coming from and who was actually suffering the consequences.

They ran up to the next floor, Flynn taking a second and looking at all the doors, making an executive decision to go for the fourth one on the left. There was something calling out to her and she was so focused on what had just happened to know the parabatai bond was working for them.

She kicked it open only to find Reggie and Julie on the floor unconscious and a woman standing over them, orange sparks coming from her hands over Julie’s head. Before she could even get her hands away, Flynn had thrown a knife on her shoulder, taking her back with a hiss and Fuego hit her with a spell that threw her on the wall, effectively knocking her out.

Flynn was kneeling on Julie’s side in the blink of an eye, Carrie next to Reggie. She heard Luke and Alex bursting in and falling right next to them.

"Julie?" Flynn said, cradling her head softly, not really sure what kind of damage the warlock could have caused. Reggie was already coming round next to her and thankfully so did Julie after a few seconds.

Flynn heard Luke sigh in relief next to her just as Julie's eyes found hers.

"Flynn? What happened?" she asked, blinking through the haze in her head.

"The warlock found you but so did we because we're amazing," Flynn said with a smile.

Julie looked at her still confused. "What?"

"Okay, let’s just get up first," Flynn said, Luke rushing on Julie's other side to help, just like Carrie and Alex helped Reggie.

"What happened?" Luke asked, looking in between them.

"All I know is that we walked in here," Reggie said, a hand rubbing the side of his head, "and then something hit me on the head."

Flynn looked at Julie beside her who remained uncharacteristically quiet, looking around disoriented.

"At least you’re okay," Luke said, leaning in and kissing Julie on the side of her head.

"Woah." Julie pulled back, closer to Flynn and looked at Luke with an exasperated expression. "Dude, what the hell?"

Luke - just like the rest of the room - looked at her with equally baffled expressions. "What do you mean?" he asked, his voice slightly wavering. Flynn couldn’t blame him, she could feel something was wrong.

"Do you just go around kissing people you don’t know?" Julie said, still irked.

Silence filled the room. Everyone looked at each other except for Luke who looked like a kicked puppy, his eyes stuck on Julie.

Flynn was the first one to talk since Julie clearly still felt comfortable with her. "Jules?" Julie turned to look at her, the same love and trust Flynn was used to still there, that was a good sign. "You remember how we got here?"

"Where is here?" she asked.

"Caleb's club."

"Who is Caleb?"

Flynn faltered. She didn’t want to be right, she desperately didn’t want to be right but she had to ask. "Sweetie, do you know the people in this room?"

"I know you," Julie said. "Why? What’s happening?"

"Her? Just her?" Luke snapped out of his frozen state, now looking at Julie frantically.

"Okay, you don’t talk to me, I don’t know you and you’re weird," Julie held a hand out between them. She might as well have punched him in the face, maybe he’d look less hurt then.

"What's going on?" Julie asked Flynn again, realizing this wasn’t normal.

Flynn gave her a worried look, really wanting to give her an answer, but unable to do so. "I don’t know."

"Four years?!" Julie shouted. "Wh- How?" she asked exasperated.

"I don’t know, but we'll find out, okay?" Flynn gave her a reassuring smile. "Magnus is great at memory spells, he'll fix this in no time and we can go back to every day life."

"Here," Julie said looking around what she was told was her room. Well, all of her stuff was there, but she still didn’t feel any sense of familiarity in the place.

"We moved in three years ago," Flynn said.

Right after their travel year, right, Flynn had already said that. And Julie was trying really hard, but her brain had erased everything Los Angeles related. The last thing she clearly remembered was her and Flynn getting ready to leave for their travel year and then she was waking up on the floor with a bunch of people she didn’t recognize in the room. Everyone apparently recognized her.

She sighed, covering her face with her hands. They were both lying on her bed away from everyone else because Julie was sure if she kept getting sad looks she was gonna scream. She just wanted for Magnus to get there and this to be over so she could pretend it never happened.

"Is it at least nice?" she asked, really needing the optimism.

"It’s fucking amazing," Flynn said making her smile. At least she hadn’t changed. "We went back to New York and we were miserable so we decided to stay here."

"Why were we miserable?" Julie turned to look at her.

Flynn hesitated, probably not wanting to overwhelm her with a lot of new information. "Magnus is gonna be here any second, just tell me the basics, it won’t matter," Julie said, needing to hear something good. The last memories she had of her sulking around and not wanting to come to LA weren’t exactly great.

"Okay, the basics. The girl who was with us, her name is Carrie, my girlfriend of four years," she said with a proud smile, her eyes sparkling.

"Really? I’m so happy for you," Julie said, smiling back.

"I know." Flynn grinned. "I’m happy for you too."

"Why ar-" Julie started to ask but stopped, her eyes going wide. "Is it the guy who kissed me?"

"He really doesn’t just go around kissing random people," Flynn said.

"I made him so sad," Julie said quietly, a frown etched on her face.

"Magnus will fix your head and it will all be forgotten," Flynn insisted. "How about some great news though?"

"Did I go off at any other people who care about me?" Julie scowled.

"You have a band," Flynn said just about the last thing Julie expected to hear. "And you sing and you write songs and you play the piano and you’re shining bright!"

Julie stared at her, not able to connect the dots. She hadn’t gone near music at all this past year. Or well, that was probably four years ago. After her mom died it’d been too hard to just go back to it, it brought so much pain she wasn’t equipped to handle yet. How had she gone from that to a band?

"How?" she voiced her thoughts. It just seemed unattainable. She wanted to get back into music but she’d always felt so alone, she and her mom had their own language to communicate when it came to it. She hadn’t found that in anyone else.

"Mainly Luke," Flynn said, "same guy as before. He believes music can solve all your problems. You’ve written like, a hundred songs together, it’s really weird because it’s only been four years, imagine in ten."

And Julie had too many questions, but there was something itching at her because she couldn't remember the last four years and she certainly couldn’t imagine the next ten with a person she knew nothing about. And she felt so bad because they must obviously have a strong connection and his face when she’d said she didn’t know him could be described by exactly one word and that was, pain. Julie knew the pain of losing a loved one and she’d hate to cause that to anyone else.

There was suddenly a knock at the door, Flynn shouting 'come in' because Julie was in no position to assess this situation. Carrie poked her head in, Julie breathing a sigh of relief because she really wouldn’t know what to tell Luke. And she still didn’t know anything about the other two guys.

"Magnus is here," she said.

"Thank the Angel," Flynn said, quickly sitting up, "let’s go."

Julie wasted no time in following both of them out the door, glad to be able to see another familiar figure. Which only reminded what she dreaded. "Is uhm, is everyone else here too?" she asked.

"They’re in the kitchen, we’re going to the library," Carrie said. "Figured things with Luke might be a bit overwhelming."

"Yeah..." Julie agreed.

"And he stayed?" Flynn asked surprised.

"Yeah, like he wouldn’t do anything for Julie," Carrie said it as if the mere thought of it was a joke. Julie had to take a second to process the fact that she actually had someone like that in her life.

They went down the stairs just as someone came out of what she presumed was the kitchen. Julie almost missed a step, but quickly realized it wasn’t Luke. She hadn’t gotten everyone’s names, but that was the guy that’d been unconscious next to her on that room before.

"Everything okay?" Carrie asked him.

"Well, no, but you know," he said and looked at Julie with a small smile. "I’m Reggie," he said. Julie smiled back at him with a little nod, feeling a warmth in her chest that he wasn’t looking at her with a silent question in his eyes. He just seemed happy to help.

They started walking to the library, Julie finding herself kind of nervous. She trusted Magnus with her life there was no safety issue at hand, but everything had happened so fast, she didn’t know what to think. Well, in a few minutes she wouldn’t have to worry about it.

Carrie opened the door and Julie was glad to see people she recognized. She was also momentarily stunned because some things were very much different.

"You’re taller than me," was the first thing that came out of her mouth.

"Weirdly enough, I kind of expected that," Max said with a smile, pulling her into a hug. Julie had left behind an eleven year old little blue warlock that was about a foot shorter than her. This was fifteen year old Max though and he’d hit a growth spurt somewhere in the past four years, passing Julie by quite a few inches.

"I figured some more help would come in handy," Magnus said with a warm smile and Julie breathed out as she hugged him too, maybe even a bit tighter because he was the same. Magnus had been a constant in her life ever since she was really young and had remained unchanging during all these years. She looked at him and she didn’t feel so lost anymore.

"So what happened exactly?" he asked, trying to get to the bottom of this.

"Julie and I were on one of the top floors looking for the warlock," Reggie said. "All I remember is something hitting me on the head and then nothing. It might have been a spell? I’m not sure. Next thing I know the guys found us."

"And I’m apparently missing the last four years," Julie said with a sigh.

"Just you? You don’t have any gaps in memory?" Magnus asked, looking in between them.

"I don’t think so?" Reggie said. "I mean I definitely remember the last four years, it doesn’t feel like there’s anything missing."

"Okay, it doesn’t hurt to check," Magnus said, "could you give us a couple of minutes?" He turned to Flynn and Carrie. Flynn looked over at Julie who nodded and they both left the library, closing the door behind them.

Julie sit down on one of the chairs, Reggie on the one beside her. She leaned her head back trying to stay relaxed - and probably failing - while Magnus stood over her head, Max over Reggie's.

"This is going to be painless but if you do feel something out of the ordinary do let us know," Magnus said.

Julie wasn't even sure what the ordinary was anymore, but she nodded nonetheless. Magnus moved his hands and there were suddenly blue sparks over her head, giving off a warm glow that almost made her feel sleepy. She didn't know what Magnus was doing and if she was supposed to feel or remember anything, but she still could not recall anything past her last few days in New York. 

She was almost getting used to the feeling when something sharp went through the side of her head making her gasp in pain. Magnus stopped what he was doing and looked at her.

"I can't find anything wrong with you," Max told Reggie beside her.

"I have a good memory," Reggie said with a smile. Magnus looked over at Max without saying anything which was apparently enough for him to get the message. The fact that his look was already concerned didn't do much to ease Julie's worries.

"Hey, how is uncle Alex?" Max asked.

"Still weirded out that someone calls him uncle Alex, but you know, in a good way," Reggie said, making Max chuckle. "He's in the kitchen. Wanna go say hi?" Okay, so Alex was the blonde guy.

"Always," Max said as they got up to leave, Reggie giving her a smile over his shoulder, probably realizing their need for privacy.

"Is it that bad?" Julie asked as soon as they were alone.

"Julie, memory is fragile..." Magnus started to say.

"Oh God, when you get philosophical it's really bad, is it really that bad?"

"Okay, you need to chill," he said doing a full 180, matching his appearance so much more. Magnus was very old, she was aware, but he still looked around her age. Whether he was giving out Downworlder wisdom or make-up tips though, Julie had always seen him as a familial older figure in her life. 

She chuckled along with him, both of them returning to more restrained expressions, Magnus obviously not enjoying the situation either.

"I've cast memory spells before, they can be strong and unpredictable if not done right," he said. "I can feel the magic in your head, that pain you felt before was because I tried to get past it." Julie subconsiously rubbed the side of her head. "It's true that memory is fragile and that barrier in your head is not allowing a lot of things get through. You said the building was sealed, my best guess is she was trying to find out what spell Fuego used in order to get out and didn't care what left behind in your head. Reggie would probably be next but she didn't get the time."

Julie leaned forward, her arms wrapping around herself. "So, what does that mean for me?"

"I don't think it's wise for me to apply any more pressure when all I did was brush and you were immediately hurt. You could lose so much more than the past four years," he said his tone serious, but sympathetic.

"So I just don't get back that part of my life, is that it? So much has happened during the past four years," she added quieter. She was in a different Institute, surrounded by people she knew nothing about but apparently they knew everything about her, she had a boyfriend (!), how could she just carry on with such a big gap?

"I have to look into it more, there are spells even I am not aware of," he said. "I don't wanna risk causing any permanent damage or erasing even bigger parts of yourself."

"That wouldn't be ideal, no..." she said with a sigh. "You really think you can fix this?"

"I think that there are so many places that may hold the answer and I won't know until I look," he said evading the actual question, but still giving a pretty good answer nonetheless.

"What places? I should help," Julie said, wanting to do something to put an end to this tragedy.

"That's kind of you, but Shadowhunters can't follow where I want to go. I will look into it and we'll see what can be done."

It was the best Julie was gonna get and she would just hold on to it for as long as she could. "Thank you," she said. "You're doing so much..."

Magnus breathed a laugh. "I've known you since you were a child, Julie. Carlos stays in the loft with the boys three times a week and if I'm being honest, Rose and Ray are high on the list of my favorite Shadowhunters. Of course I will help you."

Julie smiled slightly even though she knew the next few days wouldn't be easy. Maybe she could just go back to New York and wait there. Then again all of her stuff was in Los Angeles. And she had a nagging feeling somewhere in the back of her head that if she stayed there maybe she could remember something. She didn't know how this kind of magic worked and if it was even possible, but those were the people she'd been spending her life with daily for the past four years, she was bound to remember something if she stayed, wasn't she?

Julie woke up the next day in a unfamiliar room. Full of pretty familiar things. She still had her whip, still had a few books and notebooks she recognized on a desk on the other side of the room, still had most of her clothes and even some jewelry.

She grabbed her phone to look at the time, but was momentarily distracted by her lock screen. It was Luke, Alex and Reggie standing next to each other and holding their arms out while she was practically laying on them, her head leaning back, her hair cascading down as she apparently sang into a microphone. Damn, that would make a good album cover one day.

It was so out of place with how she remembered feeling. She'd given up on music, tucked it in the back of her head and decided she wasn't going to do something about it anymore. And here she was not just humming along, she was singing her heart out. How did she ever make that turn?

She unlocked her phone - thankfully still the same password - and started looking through her photos. She pretty much expected to see everyone she'd seen yesterday, even some people she didn't recognize. It was Julie with the guys, Julie with Flynn, Julie with Flynn and Carrie, Julie with people that were probably her friends? And well, Julie with Luke. Although those were mostly videos, not photos. All she could see form the thumbnails was the two of them sitting on a window bench, Luke with a guitar on top of him, or standing up, Julie with a microphone in hand. She wasn't ready to get into them yet.

She glanced at the time seeing it was 7:50. It was already kind of late when they'd gotten back to the Institute last night and she'd just fallen asleep pretty quickly after Magnus had left. Maybe it was also the fact that she was scared about having to deal with anyone she knew but didn't know. Max had stayed over for the time being, just in case anything changed or they needed help. Julie had tried to insist it wasn't needed, but Max seemed pretty adamant and she kind of liked having more familiar people around.

She got up, hoping that she would be alone in the kitchen. Maybe they all slept in here. She just wanted to grab something to eat and not be the center of anyone's attention. Well, that seemed hardly unlikely.

Her plan was quickly thwarted when she stepped into the kitchen and found Reggie already there, making breakfast. He looked up just as he heard her and smiled.

"Good morning!" he said.

"Good morning," Julie said a little less cheerfully. He hadn't made her feel uncomfortable yesterday, maybe he wasn't going to ask any questions.

"Slept well?" he asked.

"Yeah, it was fine," Julie said, still with a wary approach. She was waiting for a question, a comment she wouldn't get but was supposed to get, something.

"Okay, so, we have a system here," he continued, turning back to take a pan off the stove. "Whoever wakes up first, makes breakfast and I really need help with the pancakes because apparently I do something wrong and they come off too sweet? I mean I follow the recipe, I don't know what more there is for me to do, you know?"

Julie stared at him for a second. He just sounded so casual and welcoming, like they'd just met yesterday. If the photos on her phone were anything to go by they obviously knew each other pretty well.

"You're okay? You don't have to cook if you don't want to, I just-" he started to say, but Julie rushed to stop him.

"Oh no, no, I want to, of course!" she said and moved next to him, seeing the ingredients all laid out next to a bowl.

She cracked the eggs in the bowl and started mixing them together. She'd told Flynn what Magnus had said knowing she would pass it on to everyone else. She just wasn't sure how she was supposed to tell them what was going on. Flynn actually knew them, it'd be easier.

"So, uhm... we're friends, right?" she started out hesitantly. He felt easy to talk to, he wasn't looking at her with a wounded expression at her complete lack of recognition, he was actually happy to provide an explanation.

"Yep," he said, "matching friendship bracelets and everything."

Julie chuckled. "That cannot be true."

Reggie raised his flannel's sleeve to show her the red and black expertly interwoven threads around his right wrist. Flynn's mom had taught them how to make them when they were little, but she hadn't really made one in a long while.

"I made you a purple and black one," he said proudly. "You usually have it on your left wrist because of the whip. You must have taken it out yesterday before we went to the club." Yeah, that made sense, a few threads weren't going to survive battle.

"Why were we making friendship bracelets?" she asked, still amused.

"I was really bummed about my parents and you said we should make friendship bracelets so I just went along with it. Fun and distracting," he said.

"I'm glad," Julie said. She didn't remember any of it and she'd basically known Reggie for two seconds, but him being sad didn't sit well with her. If she'd somehow managed to help, she was happy.

She started mixing the rest of the ingredients in the bowl. "Is this too weird for you?" she asked.

"Well, it's weirder than usual. But we're both safe and Flynn said Magnus is looking into it so I'm optimistic," he said.

"Yeah..." she said as she absentmindedly looked at the pancake mix in front of her. There was something that'd been eating at her ever since yesterday. She wasn't sure if she should ask, but there was something inside her, pushing. "Can I ask you something else?"

"Of course."

"Did I... Is Luke okay?" She felt a sudden urge to talk which she'd classify as weird, but maybe her head subconsciously knew that Reggie was a friend, someone she could trust. "I wouldn't have snapped like that if I'd known and he just looked so sad. And then Flynn explained and then I was actively avoiding him because this is fucking weird and I don't know what I'm supposed to say, but I can't just hide around the Institute until Magnus comes up with something, but what do you even say to someone whom you're supposed to be so close to and suddenly you don't even know them and Reggie-" she stopped and turned to look at him. "He looked so sad," she emphasized.

Reggie looked between her and the stove, turning it off. He led her towards the table, both of them sitting down next to each other.

"I think you should breathe first," he said.

Julie sighed, putting her elbows on the table, hiding her face in her hands. "I just don't want to disappoint everyone."

"No, Julie, you're not disappointing anyone," he said.

"Aren't I?" She turned her head to look at him. God, the look in Luke's eyes yesterday was still haunting her. He looked at her and saw his girlfriend of four years. She looked at him and all she could say was that he seemed nice.

"I smelled bacon," Flynn said as she and Carrie entered the kitchen.

"That and pancake mix," Reggie said.

"I'm sorry, I'm not hungry," Julie said as she quickly got up and all but ran out of the kitchen. This was too much. Maybe she'd pushed it, maybe she shouldn't have asked any questions. Maybe she should just stay in her room until this was over and only talk to Flynn. All she knew was that this was supposed to be her life. She had a life with these people and an important one at that, she could understand that. She could see it all around her and it did nothing for her.

She was so worked up, she wasn't even looking where she was going once she was up the stairs until she bumped into someone in her way.

"Sorry," she said as she turned around, only for her body to freeze.

"It's okay," Luke said, his voice kind of hoarse from sleep. At least Julie thought it was sleep, she didn't miss how his eyes were red-rimmed.

She was racking her brain, trying to figure something to say, something that could make the situation even slightly better. Could she even tell him anything that would make him feel better?

"Are you okay?" he asked her.

"I..." she started to say. No, she wasn't okay, she definitely wasn't okay, but how were they supposed to talk about it? "I'm sorry for yesterday," she eventually said. "I didn't mean to snap at you."

"Yeah, no, you were caught off guard," he said, sounding anything but fine. "I shouldn't..." He sighed, a hand going through his hair. "Where you looking for me?" Upon seeing Julie's confusion he continued, poining at the door behind them, "This is my room."

That was when Julie realized she was in the wrong hallway. Her room was on the other side of the stairs. "I guess I got lost," she said.

Luke nodded, trying - and failing - to hide the fact that this whole conversation was only causing him pain. Maybe she should just lock herself in her room.

"Can we-" he started to say.

"I'm sorry," Julie said, already backing away, "I- I'm sorry." She ran back to her room, closing the door behind her and sat on her bed, her hands shaking.

This was wrong, it was all wrong and there was nothing she could do to fix it. She was just hurting people.

She lied on the bed, curling in on herself as she let the tears fall. What happens if this is irreversible? She couldn’t just stay there and pretend that the last four years hadn’t happened. Just start over with these people and act like they didn’t have a history. Maybe she should just go back to her family in New York.

But what about Flynn? She couldn’t just leave her and Flynn was obviously happy there. Really happy. Just like Julie should be. She couldn’t just take that away from her, that would be selfish.

There was a knock on the door, but she didn’t bother answering. She didn’t want to see anyone.

"Julie?" she heard a voice that startled her. It was deeper than she remembered but still easily recognizable.

She jumped from her bed and swung the door open, coming face to face with her brother. A slightly older version of her brother. And taller.

She lunged forward and wrapped him into a hug. "Why are you all taller than me?" she mumbled with a sniff.

"We were the same height when I was fourteen," Carlos said, wrapping his arms around her too.

"You think that makes me feel better?" she said with a wet chuckle, relishing on having family around.

Carlos snorted and pulled back slightly to look at her. "You’re okay?" he asked softly.

"Not even a little bit," Julie said and pulled him inside, closing the door behind her. "You didn’t tell dad about this, did you?"

"I tried to find him but he’s in Faerie for a mission and I couldn’t reach him," he said. "You’re not seriously planning on keeping this from him?"

"He's just gonna worry," Julie said with a shrug as she sat on her bed.

"Shouldn’t he?" Carlos asked, sitting beside her.

"Not if Magnus can fix this before he comes back," Julie said and quickly changed the subject. "So what’s up with you? How is New York?"

"Julie..."

"Please, I just need something normal," she said looking him in the eyes. "I don’t recognize anyone in here and we apparently have a big history with these people and I keep saying the wrong things to Luke and I just need to feel normal for a second." She took a shaky breath willing herself to relax.

Carlos looked at her for a couple of seconds before going along with it. "I'm in London."

"London?" Julie said confused.

"Yeah, the time difference didn't really help with Flynn's calls, that's why it took me a while. I'm on my travel year," he said with a smile.

"Oh that's right!" Julie said suddenly excited as well. "Why London?"

"It's a great, respectable Institute-"

"Carlos."

"There is a ghost protecting it from outside threats," he changed his story immediately.

"Are you serious?" she said with a chuckle.

"It's true! You can ask around, everyone's aware, she's been there for at least a century, Flynn probably read it somewhere when you were trying to sort out where you were going," he defended. "You have any idea how cool ghosts are?"

"Not really, I haven't seen any of them."

"Neither have I, but that's not the point," he insisted. "Our family is special, I'm sure if I can focus just enough I can pierce through the veil or something."

Julie laughed. "How do you reckon exactly?"

"You once told me you could see the in between," Carlos said. "As your brother I'm certain I share the ability somehow."

"I did?" Julie said confused. "What even is the in between?"

"I don't know, not dead, not alive?" Carlos said with a shrug.

"But the one in London is a ghost," she said. "Like a really dead person from long ago. We can't see ghosts."

"You are so negative," he said with a sigh.

"Are you sure I wasn't messing with you or anything? Like no offense, but it sounds weird," she said.

"Yes, I'm sure Julie and the Phantoms," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Julie and the what?"

"Oh," he said, suddenly backtracking, "nothing, I'm sorry. You know it'd been almost empty ever since the Dark War, it's a miracle London hasn't been overrun by demons all this time," he changed the subject and Julie decided to go along because learning more about her present wasn't high on the list of things she wanted to do right now.

For the time being she was perfectly happy sitting there listening about the missions Carlos had been taking on and how excited he sounded about it. She remembered how ready he was to get out there and put his Shadowhunter training into good use, it was nice to know he was finally there.

He was in the middle of explaining how he'd gotten his last mission when she heard an excited 'Julie, Julie, Julie' coming from the other side of the door. She was confused at Flynn's enthusiasm but she got up nonetheless and opened the door.

"Look whom I found!" she shouted and pulled said person closer, practically throwing him on Julie.

"By the Angel, Flynn," Rafe said, taking a step back, not a big fan of physical affection unless he instigated it. "I was offended you all planned a get together and left me out so I got Max to make a portal for me and Tavvy."

"But if anyone asks just say you really wanted to see Rafe," Max piped in, standing right behind him. "I'm not supposed to be making portals left and right."

"I love this, we haven't been all together like this for so long," Flynn said, still bouncing up and down. That was a relief actually, Julie was finally kind of on the same knowledge level as everyone else.

Rafe smiled at her as they got inside, knocking their hands together which was as good as a hug for Julie to be honest. Having people just hugging her and saying they're sorry would be weird and uncomfortable.

"None of this was planned by the way, Flynn didn't reach me until earlier in the morning," Carlos said.

"Max didn't even tell me he was leaving last night," Rafe looked at his brother pointedly.

"It was late, dude, what do you want from me?" Max said jumping up on Julie's bed. "We've never seen your room here," he added looking around.

"Neither have I," Julie said with a chuckle. Being around people who knew as little as her about things that just made sense to everyone else was comforting.

"This is actually one of the first Institutes we stayed at," Rafe said.

"Like you remember anything, you were five," Max said.

"I remember meeting Tavvy," he said, "that seems to have worked out well."

"Oh you did the ritual, right?" Julie said. Rafe was seventeen and Tavvy must be nineteen, their time had run out.

"Sure did, got a rune and everything," Rafe said with a smile.

"Aww, remember our ritual, Jules?" Flynn said, slinging an arm over her shoulders. "Fire and promises and oaths..." she added with a wistful sigh.

"I remember Flynn planning the ceremony and bossing everyone around at fourteen," Carlos said.

"It's called having an apt for planning, it's a gift," Flynn said.

"It's why Jules can't be bothered to plan her own w-"

"Anything," Flynn cut him off with a smile that looked genuine enough, but Julie could still spot it was slightly forced.

"Yes, anything," Carlos agreed, obviously relieved that she'd swooped in when she had.

Julie looked in between them with a raised eyebrow. "Plan my own what?" she asked. Then again, did she want to know? She'd let Carlos off the hook before and she'd stated she didn't want to talk about what was happening because that only caused everyone, herself included, pain.

"I wasn't referring to anything specfic," Carlos said.

"Well that's clearly a lie," she said.

"Look, it doesn't matter, it's not like it's going to change anything," Flynn said.

Plan her own what? No birthday, no anniversary - that she could recall - but even so, why would that be such a big secret? No other memorable events in her life...

Plan her own w-

What starts with a...

Her head snapped to look at Flynn.

No.

"Tell me I'm wrong," she said.

"You see, I want to, but I get the feeling you're not..." Flynn said, making her eyes go even wider.

Luke looked at her and saw his fiance. She looked at him and all she could say was that he seemed nice.

Julie had taken to waking up before everyone else. She was happy to cook breakfast, she'd quickly learnt where everything was and it was easier than just entering a kitchen full of people that would just turn to look at her the moment you were there. Julie was trying to go by unnoticed. And she was doing so because that was the only way she knew how to deal with this. It was the only way she knew how to ignore the fact that it'd been a week and she still hadn't heard anything from Magnus. The only way to deal with the fact that Max didn't seem optimistic. And the only way to deal with the fact that she was supposed to be engaged.

She was also actively avoiding Luke. She was already gone when he came in for breakfast, she spent a lot of time in her room or Flynn's and just waited for a phone call, a fire message, something. But that something never came. And she knew that it was awful, but maybe it was better. Maybe it was better for him to not have to face her at all, rather than see someone he loved look at him like a complete stranger.

There was something inside Julie, she didn't even know how to describe it. The need to make sure that he did not have that damaged look in his eyes. He was waiting for something she didn't even know if she could give him. It'd been a week and there was no news. Julie was just plain scared and there was no one who could make her feel better. 

She was making an omelet when she heard someone walking in. She slid the omelet on a plate, turning off the stove and turned around to say good morning, only to stop once again.

"Hi," Luke said. He looked worse than Julie remembered him a week ago.

"Hi," Julie said not knowing what else there was to say. It's not like she could just bolt out of the kitchen without a word.

"Can we talk, please?" he said.

Julie didn't know what to say. They could talk, but what were they going to say? What was she supposed to say?

"Please, Julie, it's been a week," he said, his voice breaking.

"I don't know what you want me to say," she said quietly.

"I don't want you to say anything, I just want to talk," he said. "You've been avoiding me all week."

"Maybe that's for the best..." she said looking away from him.

"How is that for the best?" he asked exasperated.

"Because I'm scared, Luke!" she suddenly blew up without even expecting it. "Everytime you look at me you have that look in your eyes and I don't blame you, I can't blame you. This is hell and we don't even know how to fix it," her voice broke too, but she took a shaky breath, trying to continue. "You look at me and you see someone else but she's not here and I am so sorry for that. I'm always scared because I can't say the right thing and you only get sadder and sadder and I hate being the cause of that. Maybe we both just have to accept that she's gone."

"Don't say that," he said, his voice barely audible.

"I don't want to! I have no idea who I am, no idea what I'm doing here, maybe we just have to accept that this is it," she said, not even sure what that meant. Was she breaking up with him? Were they even still technically together? They were supposed to be getting married in a few months!

But that Julie was still not here anymore.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered and walked out of the kitchen, already brushing away the tears that had escaped.

She ran upstairs to her room, slamming the door shut behind her. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately, but really, where else did she have to go? She'd worked out the basics of the Institute, but her room was the only place she was guaranteed privacy and a sense of security.

She sat down on her chair in front of the desk and looked at the mess of notebooks and papers on it. She hadn't gone through anything all this time, too busy waiting for this to be over and scared finding about the life she was supposed to be living.

She took the one closer to her, flipping through the pages. She recognized her own handwritting, lyrics and notes everywhere, words and sentences crossed out in favor of something else, every page filled with no space left.

There was another handwritting she struggled to read also just as prominent throughout every song. She had pages filled with piano chords, guitar, even bass and drums. Yeah, Flynn had mentioned the band...

She leaned back on her chair, a hand going through her hair. She realized she was leaning on something soft and turned around to grab a magenta hoodie from the back of the chair. She didn't recognize it - not that she would have been surprised to have bought new clothes during these past four years.

She held it up to see it better. It didn't look familiar and definitely a bit too big for her to wear.

Unless it wasn't even hers in the first place.

She pulled it over her head, standing up to look herself in the mirror. It reached her mid thigh, her hands disappearing inside the sleeves. Yeah, definitely not hers. She was willing to bet whom it belonged to though.

She probably should have taken it off, but she felt herself relaxing in it. It was somehow comforting.

She lied down on her bed, staring at the empty space next to her. She used her sleeve to dry the tears that hadn't stopped falling down her face while she grabbed her phone from the night stand. She unlocked it and went through her videos. Diving head first into everything she pressed play on a random one.

She and Luke were sitting on a window bench she didn't recognize but must have been somwhere inside the Institute, Luke holding a guitar while she was going through one of her notebooks.

"Okay, here, guitar chords for Edge of Great," Julie said and handed Luke the notebook.

"I cannot read that," he said.

"You wrote it!" Julie said equally amused and exasperated.

"Okay, we've put up with your handwritting for a long time and now you're telling us even you can't read it?" The camera turned around to Alex who was sitting behind his drum kit, threatening to throw the drumstick right at Luke's head.

"Are you filming this?" There was a third voice and the camera moved again, finding Reggie somewhere in the middle.

"Yes, I just want a record of the creative process that goes on behind Julie and the Phantoms songs. I don't think anyone would actually believe me, so I need proof," Flynn's voice came behind the camera.

"I love it, when we go viral so will these videos," Luke said.

"I'm hoping you mean within the Shadow World because I'm not ready to be exiled yet," Alex said.

"Aw come on, don't ruin his vision," Julie said, looking at Luke with a smile.

"You still believe in me, right?" Luke turned to her with a pout.

"Always, baby," she said as she leaned in and kissed him.

"Aww, adorable as always," Flynn said.

"Oozing chemistry," Reggie said somewhere in the background.

"Shut up, we're in love," Luke said and kissed Julie with more intensity this time, making her chuckle.

A stark contrast with present time Julie who was now sobbing quietly on her bed. She looked happy, she looked in love. She looked like she belonged. And she would give anything to be like that again.

Against her better judgement she opened up the next video too.

Julie was sitting on top of the piano, her legs dangling off the edge, singing in a mic.