Archive of Our Own

The first thing Donghyuck notices when he lands is how fucking cold Anchorage is.

It’s the middle of January and what he is accustomed to feeling like summer. But the second he descends the stairs leading out of his private flight he is freezing.  

‘Stupid Northern hemisphere weather.’

He’s heard tales about the beauty of Alaska — most of which were told by his friends who’d tried to get Donghyuck to stop fussing about the relocation — but none of the famed horizons and endless wilderness views can be seen from the Shatterdome flight deck. All he can see is the unending grey of metal and electronics; everything a direct opposite to the promised nature. A military base isn’t meant to be beautiful.

But, with minimal comfort and familiarity seeping into his shoulders at the sight, he thinks he prefers it this way. No signs of a life he refuses to — yet deeply wishes he could — live. The wind ruffles his brown hair and bites at his sun-loved skin, paints it in a delicate pink that leaves him feeling numb at the surface and boiling underneath, all his warmth frozen in place and rejecting the idea of leaving his body. His fingers twitch from where they sit in his pockets, eager to get as far away from the bite of the winter air as possible. Snowflakes cling to his eyelashes, weighing them down as he blinks up at the sight before him.

A woman is the first person to greet him in this new place, badge hung low on her shirt that reads the name ‘Sarah.’ He shakes her hand stiffly, her ponytail violently whipping around her face with the ferocity of the surrounding gale. Luckily for Donghyuck, she doesn’t try to speak to him. She, instead, tilts her head and starts walking towards a big black metal frame. He follows from a safe distance behind. 

Anchorage, so far, is not a place Donghyuck would willingly visit. It’s cold — brutally so — and reeks of winters that are too long for anyone’s good. This Shatterdome is about as dull and boring as the one he departed from only half a day ago. His 16-hour flight sits in his bones, hugs his shape in a way so unpleasant it makes Donghyuck want to fall over and take a nap right here, right now. The thought disgusts him enough to force his legs forward and it isn’t long until he reaches the woman again. 

She swivels her eyes to make sure he’s still there before entering a painstakingly long code that beeps at her with a green light and a ‘PLEASE STAND BACK’ written across the face of the wall-attached device. Gravel bounces at Donghyuck’s feet, tickling his freshly shined black leather boots. The black frame of a large door rumbles open to reveal the inside of the Shatterdome in all its glory. His feet carry him forward, into the belly of the beast.

Sarah leads him into the building quickly, thick steel walls blocking his skin from the harsh winds. The golden overhead lights are the first thing to catch his eye, reflecting vividly off of the varying equipment and machinery scattered throughout the building. It's so painfully similar to Sydney, to his home, that he can’t help but fall into his own blind delusion that this is home. The layout is much the same, this doorway only an inch farther left, that stairwell reflected across a yellow line along the ground that’s five feet too long. If he were sleepwalking, relying only on what he knows, what he feels, it would seem the same. The pipes that line the halls he gets led down are made of the same steel alloy and feel the same against his rough and calloused hands. Maybe it’s his brain tricking him, saving him from extra pain and longing he doesn’t need with his already stressful lifestyle. Or maybe it actually is the same in make-up and he’s creating the small differences in his head to distance himself from letting this place become a new home. 

He doesn’t want to know which. 

Because he is a good son who always listens to his mama and if his mama says that ignorance is bliss, then he isn’t going to question things that ought not to be questioned.

His fuzzy, frazzled brain has been fighting itself over the issue so intensely that by the time he realizes he’s somewhere new, he has no clue how he got there. With his intricate knowledge and understanding of how Shatterdomes work, how they’re laid out, it isn’t hard to figure out where he is. With dozens of brightly lit computers and 3D interfaces everywhere and even more clean-cut brainiac-type people behind them, he knows that he has just been introduced to the Anchorage Shatterdome LOCCENT. 

It’s a tidy place; has to be for the delicate operations that go on within these walls. No speck of dust to be seen, no pencil out of place. Sarah is only a foot or so in front of him, his legs on autopilot and following closely behind her. She waltzes her way through the crowd of coffee-dependent geniuses in a way that tells Donghyuck that this is most certainly not her first day on the job. It isn’t until she’s approached a man in tight faux-leather oxfords and a pair of browlines that her demeanor changes. She shifts from the confident and concise power-woman to a careful and calculated professional. Both of which are equally terrifying. 

‘Women who are in uniform mean business, and it would do you well to never underestimate a woman that means business.’ Another phrase gifted from his mama; another lesson deeply ingrained in his psyche.

She leans over the classically dressed man, whispering short phrases in his ear that if Donghyuck cared enough he could read off her lips. But as much as his years of training tells him to stay on high alert at all times, he finds he’s too tired and irritated to give a damn. 

So instead, he focuses on his mind’s mumblings to pass the time until someone finally decides to let him in on whatever is happening behind the scenes. The air in Anchorage is different than he’s used to. It still smells of fresh ocean salt everywhere, the stench seeping into every cranny and cavity in every wall and numbing the brains of those it greets. But this time it nips at his nose, cuts into his nostrils, and singes his other senses in a way he never thought possible.

Perhaps it’s the cold, perhaps it’s his brain continuing to try and disassociate, but whatever it is he knows he isn’t fond of it; isn’t fond of the way he can only focus on what’s happening in front of him for so long before he crawls back into the comfort of his thoughts. He thinks of Sydney; of everyone and everything there that makes it feel like home. It’s all still there, only an ocean away and yet so out of reach. Donghyuck knows it’s foolish, wishing for a place that he’s better off without, but being a fool is being human and goddamnit that’s all he really is at the end of the day.

Sarah’s posture straightens again, a satisfied smile sitting behind her teeth and masked with an indifferent look. Donghyuck assumes that whatever it was they were talking about, must have gone well. Maybe even better than expected. 

He wishes he could say the same. 

Loud doors are thrown open behind him, probably the same ones he entered through while in his self-induced haze. Whoever has just entered must be quite the figure considering the quiet that sweeps over the room, star-filled eyes gazing at someone just behind Donghyuck’s back. 

His feet turn him around on instinct and when he comes face to face with Officer John “Johnny” Suh, a smirk teases at the corner of his mouth. He suppresses it for the sake of keeping up appearances, but it’s there nonetheless. 

“Donghyuck Lee, it’s good to see you,” Johnny says, his voice deep and inviting. He reaches out a hand, seemingly nothing more than a well-meaning handshake. But Donghyuck sees it for what it truly is: an agreement. A wordless contract that’ll bind him so tightly for the next God-knows-how-many-years that he’ll slowly but surely suffocate. He thinks of everyone he left back in Sydney, the life he left in a sad attempt to start anew. 

‘It’s not like I’m here voluntarily’ he thinks, remembering the meeting he had with the PPDC Marshal only weeks ago. Specifically, he remembers the Marshal having to figuratively put her foot down several times because Donghyuck was — rightfully — upset at the idea of having to transfer halfway across the fucking world. 

“You’ve given me no other options Donghyuck.”

“But Joy!”

“You’ve proven that you are unwilling to even try and find a new partner and are refusing to cooperate with the cadets.” She’s giving Donghyuck a glaring look of disappointment and it makes something ugly curl in his stomach. He shrinks in on himself, shoulders sinking under the look.

She sighs, backing off on the fear-inciting glare a small amount; not enough to make him not feel like a fool, but enough to let his lungs continue breathing. “That’s why I’ve issued a transfer for you.”

Donghyuck feels his gut turn to stone, “My — what?!”

“You leave for the Anchorage Shatterdome on the first of next month.” 

Donghyuck is speechless. No words could describe the frenzy his brain has just been thrown into. 

Joy stands up and makes to leave the room. She stops at the door, hesitating, her expression morphing to one void of any emotion. “I’m sorry, Donghyuck.”

He snaps back to the Officer standing in front of him, patient eyes glancing him over. His hand hasn’t wavered in all the time that’s passed since Donghyuck fell into his tiny flashback. He thinks again, what this small, harmless gesture really means. 

It means he won’t be going home for a very long time, means he’s going to be spending his every waking hour in this place for an extended time — no matter how hellish it may turn out to be. 

He looks once more at Johnny’s hand, the meaning behind it all. A voice in the back of his head wonders if he’s really willing to go through with this. But that voice lost authority a long time ago.

Donghyuck shakes Johnny’s hand and seals his own fate.

—:-:—:-:—:-:—

Right smack dab in the middle of a peaceful night of sleep is not an ideal time to be woken up by blaring alarms in Donghyuck’s opinion; not even slightly. 

When he is shocked awake by obnoxious blinking red lights attached to his ceiling and loud sirens screaming straight through his cranium, it’s an understatement to say he’s annoyed. He stuffs his head under the flat pillow and prays for it to be over soon. He knows it won’t, three minutes is the standard protocol for Kaiju attack alarms and most Shatterdomes crank it up to five just for the fun of it. 

With grumbles so low they can’t be heard over the noise leaving the in-ceiling speakers, he stands up from the bed and decides he should make the most of this. 

‘I’m already awake, no point in trying to fall back asleep,’ he thinks, pulling on his uniform shirt with tired arms. It’s snug against the muscles in his shoulder and back; hugs them tightly. Most people would say he’s bulked and strong-looking, but for Donghyuck it’ll never be enough. He thinks back to his time spent in the Conn-Pod, his legs once heavy with the weight of Hawker Demon — his, now, out-of-commission mark IV Jaeger — holding him down. His shoulders remember feeling as though they were being pulled from his torso as they swung in unison with his Drift partner, a punch being sent at a category three Kaiju’s head. His entire body remembers the feeling of Demon being thrown back by the force of the punch, the hanging wires in the Conn-Pod and connecting to his drivesuit pulling him back as well. It’s the kind of thing a person can never forget, no matter how hard they may try. 

He thinks about the routine personal trainer check-ins; having his every muscle fiber and tendon prodded at to make sure his body is in tip-top Jaeger piloting condition. He’s sure that if they did one of those same tests on him, right here right now, it would be unanimous that he is physically ready to get back in the game. But he hasn’t been cleared in the most important department for a while: mental health. 

He keeps telling the higher-ups, over and over, that he’s fine; that he just really wants to get back into the field and out of the lifeless Shatterdome. But a ranger simply can’t pilot a Jaeger alone, and anybody who’s ever been Drift compatible with Donghyuck is either dead or out of commission completely. 

And that’s how he ended up here: pulling on his thick, black, military-grade boots and stomping out of his cabin’s door in the middle of the one and only, really-fucking-cold Anchorage, Alaska. There’s a Kaiju out there and Donghyuck guesses it’s still got quite a bit to go considering the alarm has only just ended its awful sound. Instead of rushing out to suit up and take the damned thing down, he’s here, briskly walking to LOCCENT in hopes for some entertainment. 

The halls guide him, the layout achingly similar to Sydney’s. His heart beats dull in his chest, constricting from an emotional pain so heavy it’s starting to affect his physical form. He quickens his steps and is met with the hustle and bustle of LOCCENT mission control room in the midst of a Kaiju attack. 

He can recall the scene from the recess of his memories. It brings him back to his days as an aspiring Jaeger pilot, his days of young innocence and obliviousness. 

Men and women scramble between sets of monitors and 3D projections, preparing for the battle they are all about to face. 

Donghyuck is broken from his thoughts as loud footsteps enter the room and cause the noise level to decrease significantly. 

“Officer Suh!” Someone shouts from across the room. Donghyuck whips his head to the voice, finding the same man that previously wore the Oxford’s and Browline glasses, now donned in a wrinkly button-up shirt and some questionable-looking slacks. Donghyuck doesn’t suppose he can blame him, responding to Kaiju alarms doesn’t exactly call for a fashion show. 

“Jungwoo, what are we working with?” Johnny replies, serious work face on and in full use. 

“I'm gathering the readings right as we speak—” A red light blinks behind the so-called Jungwoo, a beep accompanying the alert. He hurries over to one of the computer screens, gaping at whatever is displayed before his eyes. 

“What is it?!” Johnny demands. They don’t have time to waste. 

Jungwoo turns towards the Officer with a pale face and terror oozing from his every feature. In a shaky voice, he replies, “It’s a category five.”

Donghyuck, scoffs, loud and deep. “What’s the big deal with a category five? Haven’t we been getting them for months?”

They both whip around to face him. Johnny straightens up quickly to address Donghyuck’s obvious confusion and not-so-subtle annoyance, “This is the first one that the Anchorage Shatterdome has seen.” 

Donghyuck nods in understanding. It seems like forever ago, but he remembers the fear of taking on the high category Kaijus for the first time. 

He sees two people cross the bridge into the Jaeger's head, assistants following them in to help them suit up and prepare for the fight. Donghyuck recalls it well, even if it's been several months since he was last in the field; the rush of adrenaline drowning out the fear prickling at his spine, the anticipation of the minutes to come, all of it combining into a weird murmur in his stomach. He was always high off of those moments, remembering the feeling of Hawker Demon under his feet whenever his energy ran low. That was what kept him going. His beautiful Demon and his incredible partner.

It leaves a dry taste in his mouth.

Footsteps sound out from behind him again, this time lighter and less threatening. Donghyuck doesn't turn around to see who they belong to, but he doesn't have to wonder who entered for very long. A boy makes his way from Donghyuck's peripheral and stands right in the middle of the chaos. Johnny is leaning over the intercom microphone at the head of the room, Jungwoo only inches away and typing furiously on a keyboard. The boy wears not much more than run-of-the-mill sneakers, black joggers, and a large fitting hoodie. To say he looks out of place would be an understatement.

The boy watches as Johnny barks orders into the mic, guiding the Jaeger pilots in their endeavors. He turns around, his sneakers dragging along the concrete floor and snapping in Donghyuck's direction. A smile climbs the boy's face and decorates his features warmly; Donghyuck thinks it suits him.

The boy takes long strides towards Donghyuck and stops just to his side. "You must be Donghyuck?” Donghyuck nods and the boy’s smile grows even more. The boy keeps talking, "We don't get transfers too often — most people can't deal with the weather, but I don't think it's so bad."

He grunts at the boy's statement. "Not so bad my ass, it's barely survivable out there. The average winter in Sydney is — what, fifty degrees in Fahrenheit? And your average is like twenty?"

The boy laughs in response, "Yeah, I guess it wouldn't be the most pleasant transition going from the scorching Australian sun to the lack of sun in Alaska.”

He quirks an eyebrow, "What's your name, Canada?"

"Alaska is technically U.S. territory—" He stops himself short at Donghyuck's unimpressed expression, "Uh, my name's Mark."

Donghyuck looks him up and down, ratty sneakers and all, and decides he wouldn't mind putting up with this 'Mark' person for a little while longer.

It's then that Johnny turns around and grins widely at Mark. "Mark! Good to see you, did you sleep well?"

"Hey, Johnny! How're Ryujin and Yeji holding up?" Donghyuck squints at the obvious deflection, but Johnny replies before he can call Mark out on it.

"The helicopter just dropped them nine miles out and they are starting on foot now — Jungwoo how far are they from contact?"

The loud clicking of his keyboard sounds throughout the murmur-filled room, Jungwoo springing his head up with a quick, "Two miles, Sir," before hunching over his device again.

Johnny turns back to the pair in front of him. "I would love to chat some more but duty calls. The mess hall should still be serving if you need to go grab a bite." And with that, he walks towards Jungwoo and resumes his duties as an Officer.

They both stand there for a few silent moments, observing as the mission comes alive before their eyes. People yelling things across the several aisles of desks and chairs, Johnny staring at the various readers and signals showing new data every few seconds, Jungwoo typing faster than Donghyuck would have ever thought possible.

Mark steps out from Donghyuck's peripheral and takes the space directly in front of him, the same smile adorning his face. "So... mess hall?"

Donghyuck scoffs and throws his head to the side. 'This guy's got some serious guts walking in here looking like that huh?' He looks the boy over again, his lackluster attire and calm shoulders all tell-tale signs of being comfortable in this environment. Donghyuck assumes he must be one of the computer technicians or operators, considering only rangers, computer techs, and high-profile people are allowed inside LOCCENT. He still finds it weird though, how this 'computer tech' isn't helping out the rest of the crew and is instead just standing around.

He doesn't put any more effort into the thought, however, as he answers with a short and hesitant nod. Mark's smile grows exponentially as he goes to stand by Donghyuck's side and begins walking out of the room.

Donghyuck, ever the adventurous man that he is, decides to see where this could go.

It isn't long until they reach the mess hall, Mark's crooked walk guiding the both of them over to the serving counter. He pulls down two identical beige trays, terribly similar to the ones Donghyuck used to eat off of in grade school, and hands one to Donghyuck.

They serve themselves some slop that could only be considered oatmeal in theory and take a seat in the middle of the large empty room. A cloud of silence settles over the pair, the mushing of their 'oatmeal' and the distant chaos of LOCCENT being the only sounds. Donghyuck takes the opportunity to study the boy opposite him. He can't be much younger than Donghyuck, his face young and expression bright in the most innocent way. His hair is dark in the low lighting of the mess hall, if not black then a deep brown, and it brushes against the tops of his eyebrows every time he moves.

'At least he's easy on the eyes,' Donghyuck thinks, shaking his head to snap himself out of whatever thought train he was just about to entertain.

"So, what made you want to leave Sydney?" Is what Mark asks, the perfect distraction from Donghyuck's own mind. Well, he thought it would be the perfect distraction, at least until the meaning of the words sinks in and his head spins in its place.

"I didn't — It wasn't my decision." It's the truth, but he knows how he’s making it sound. 

"Oh," Mark says, quite dumbly in Donghyuck's opinion. But he can't say he blames Mark; what are you supposed to say in that situation?

“I was having trouble finding a Drift partner in Sydney so the higher-ups suggested the transfer; it was out of my control.” Mark goes silent at Donghyuck’s words, staring down at his slop with a slump in his shoulders. “All things considered, Alaska isn’t so bad I guess.”

He looks up at that, hope shining behind his eyes and touching the edges of his lips in a tiny smile. The mess hall is dimly lit, nearly dark at this hour to conserve energy, but Mark’s expression shines through and compensates for the lack of light. Donghyuck is sitting in front of a boy so glimmering it makes him feel the need to put on sunglasses. 

“Well if we ever have the same day off — if the Kaiju’s die down for a bit anyway — then maybe I could show you around Anchorage? Skip all the boring tourist bullshit and skip straight to the hidden gems?” 

It’s Donghyuck’s turn to smile, the grin hitting him so hard it makes his cheeks hurt. “That would be great, actually, yeah,” He holds out his hand in a handshake, “Make it a deal?”

Mark smiles even bigger (Donghyuck didn’t think it was possible) and gives Donghyuck’s palm a firm shake. Electricity shoots up the brunette’s skin at the contact and he thinks to himself, ‘Maybe I could get used to it here.’

—:-:—:-:—:-:—

Donghyuck’s hands are clammy and his brain is foggy as he hears, “LEE DONGHYUCK REPORT TO NORTH TRAINING ROOM,” blare over the intercom system. He paces back and forth in his cabin a moment longer before he’s storming out the door with his recollected cool and intimidating persona. His brain is still running wild, overflowing with, ‘what if’ s and drowning him in anxiety. 

He strides long and fast down the various twisting and turning halls, his PPDC issued boots echoing the entire time.

Donghyuck mulls over the past few weeks carefully in his mind, remembers his hours of training and aching muscles, everything blurred together in a memory too far away to touch. The only moments that stand out to him are the few encounters with a particular computer guy. 

The first time they met after the cafeteria was on the flight deck in pounding rain. Donghyuck had been out there to scope out the place and get acquainted with how the Anchorage Shatterdome operated in contrast to the Sydney branch. Turns out, the PPDC runs a well-oiled machine and controls affairs at separate branches almost identically.

Rain pounds against the metal of the Shatterdome’s exterior. The rough winds blow fresh sea air in larger quantities than normal, fish and salt clouding his sense of smell. The deck crew is working just as hard as they do on a sunny day, if not harder, and it soothes the brunette. 

He’s been wandering the deck for upwards of half an hour and the shake in his bones at the cold embrace of rainwater has seeped in fully and is coating his insides with a chill that should be considered dangerous for his health. But his training covers it, his system built so sturdily that if he were to be stranded in the cold ocean for several hours he would be able to keep himself alive. It’s easy to forget that he’s an exception when it comes to most human norms, his body constructed from the ground up, his brain torn downtime and time again only to be brought up and molded into the mindset of a soldier; a ranger. 

He forgets who he is sometimes, the mission objective ingrained so deeply within himself he wonders when he stopped being human and became almost robotic, his emotions guarded and thoughts a broken record, ‘pilot Jaeger, kill Kaiju, train hard, pilot again, faster, harder, more, annihilate.’ He blinks the rain out of his eyes, stares out at the never-ending sea of rain and water and fog and memories. 

“—doing out here in this weather?!” He’s stuck in place, gazing at the scene before him with little to no sense behind anything he’s doing, hearing, seeing. The voice fades in, a blob of something hovering around his side.

A blurry figure crosses his field of vision and he barricades his thoughts, herds them to the very depths of his mind, and lets his vision focus in on it. He sees the hair first, black locks plastered to a pale forehead. It’s Mark, armed with an umbrella that barely covers the width of his shoulders, a knuckle white grip on the handle so he doesn’t lose the shield to the ferocious winds. 

Mark hurries to Donghyuck’s side and raises the umbrella to fit over the both of them. The brunette is still out of it, only wide eyes and an open mouth as Mark squeezes to block them both from the cold hands of the pouring rain. Their shoulders brush gently and bump together as Mark guides them out of the weather and into the safe hands of the Shatterdome. His ears buzz in the absence of the ferocious winds, mind finally clear enough to grasp onto his surroundings. He recognizes this area, yet again thankful for the identical layouts between PPDC establishments. They’re in a small and usually deserted hallway branching off from the left wing of the Shatterdome.

“Donghyuck? What the hell were you doing out in weather like that?” Mark speaks again, Donghyuck catching all of it this time. The other’s eyebrows are drawn up in concern and Donghyuck roughly wonders the exact same thing.

He delivers a small shrug paired with a dull, “Got bored in my cabin, thought I’d check out your Shatterdome. The rain was a mild inconvenience if anything.”

Mark looks shocked; absolutely flabbergasted. “You just — you could get sick! You need to be more thoughtful of these things if you plan on Drift testing. We both know they won’t let you in the field if you're sick.”

“I’m—” Donghyuck shutters a sigh, raking his fingers through his rain-matted hair. “—fine. I’m fine.”

He tries to rush out, brushing past Mark’s shoulder as he maneuvers himself through the narrow hallway. Mark grabs him by his arm suddenly, halting his movements. "Hey, at least let me walk you back to your cabin. You seriously might be sick."

Donghyuck relents, taking a step back to walk next to Mark with a nod. Their feet sync up almost instantly, matching uniform boots meeting the floor at the same time. They walk in silence like this the whole way to the cabin corridor, Mark keeping up with Donghyuck's long strides the entire time.

They reach their destination soon enough, the thin hallway opening up into a larger one that houses several cabins for different residents.

Donghyuck stops in front of his door. "This is me. Thank you, for walking me back." Mark's eyebrows shoot up. 'They're so expressive' Donghyuck thinks.

"Really? Wow, that's crazy that your cabin is straight across from mine." The black-haired rushes over to his own cabin door, popping it open and turning back to Donghyuck with a goofy grin.

Donghyuck shakes his head fondly, a soft smile climbing onto his face. Mark offers a small, almost childish, wave of his hand, to which Donghyuck copies. He watches as Mark walks into his cabin and disappears behind the large metal frame, the heavy metal click of the lock echoing through the otherwise empty hall.

He shuts his own door with a strange something in his heart and the smile still plastered to his lips. 'Mark Lee… Huh.'

And now Donghyuck is alone. His walk to the North Combat Room is over and the echo of his feet halts the second his boots hit the soft floor of the large training mat. It’s not an unfamiliar sight in the slightest, he’s been in and out regularly since his arrival to Anchorage. This time, however, is different. This time something is hanging low in the air and a cloud of anxiety settles around his figure at the realization.

There’s only one other person in the room that Donghyuck can make out and if the blue Officer’s uniform is anything to go by then he would say he has a fairly good guess of who is standing only a few feet across from him. 

As soon as Donghyuck notices him he stops just short of the edge of the mat. Silence envelops them completely and entirely, oozing out of the ventilation shafts and causing Donghyuck to straighten his shoulders. 

“Evening, Ranger,” Johnny calls out, an unforeseen awkwardness settling around them almost instantly.

“Are you nervous?” He asks Donghyuck, all toothy smile and crescent eyes. 

It would be a blatant lie if Donghyuck said no, but admitting the truth somehow seems twice as terrible. 

Johnny seems to sense his inner turmoil and continues, “We have a lot of promising candidates lined up for today.”

A pit drops in Donghyuck’s stomach; his mouth fills with a bitter taste. “That’s not the first time I’ve heard that.”

Johnny’s smile bounces up the slightest bit, “Well then, let us hope this will be the last.” 

And as if it was on cue, a large line of people walk through the large doors Donghyuck is standing in front of, identical military-grade boots stomping their way into the combat room to either witness or partake in today’s events. 

Donghyuck immediately begins scanning and analyzing his soon-to-be opponents and potential Drift partners. A vast majority of the participants are male — a statistic that isn’t uncommon in this line of work — but the women that are present look as tough as anyone else. They all begin taking their boots and socks off and do some light stretching by the edge of the mat.

Donghyuck casts one last lingering look at Johnny before he moves across the room to stand at the head of the mat. His own black boots and white socks are discarded to the side as he delves into his own set of stretches. 

Johnny whistles to get everyone’s attention; it’s time to begin. 

The first challenger is up: a young man with average stature and shining eyes. Donghyuck thinks it’s cute: this cadet having such an innocent expression. 

Someone from the side hands the both of them identical wooden staffs. Donghyuck bounces it between his hands, weight, gripping his calluses with a sting. It’s so eerily familiar, grey and blue images of the same scene several years ago — a time before Donghyuck was a hero, when he was just an overly confident Melbourne brat with the world at his hands and hope in his heart. It makes his head spin, so close to collapsing his entire body that he can taste the dizziness of it all. 

Johnny calling for the spar to begin is what snaps him out of it, Donghyuck’s grip on the staff tightening instantly. 

The cadet is the first to move. He goes for a simple frontal attack, aiming his staff towards Donghyuck’s abdomen. 

The brunette chuckles to himself. “Too easy.” It’s only a matter of seconds before he has his opponent in a chokehold, the wooden weapon pressed up against his opponent’s sternum. The cadet’s eyes are wide open now and Donghyuck can feel the trickle of fear as it moves down the boy’s spine. 

Johnny’s voice sounds out again, “One to Donghyuck.” 

A smirk graces the ranger’s face, “This should be fun.”

It doesn’t take long for Donghyuck to burn through over half of the participating cadets, barely breaking a sweat. Every time he takes down a new opponent he can see the nerves and anxiety increase in the remaining cadets, people shuffling around and looking at their feet anytime Donghyuck glances their way. Any previous confident murmurs are now replaced with tense silence.

He’s sure it has to have been at least two hours, Johnny’s voice growing tired and dull the longer he announces useless results and incoming opponents. 

And even Donghyuck, lover of the thrill of sparring against new adversaries, is starting to get bored. As hard as he’s sure most of these men and women have trained, they are truly no match for a seasoned Jaeger pilot veteran. Only a handful of cadets have come close to being an interesting opponent and it’s started to plant the seed of doubt in all of their minds. 

‘There’s no way we’re any match for him.’

With a mere half an hour left of the reserved time, Johnny announces a loud, “Next up, Mark Lee.”

Donghyuck’s neck nearly snaps in half with the force of his head whipping around to face the officer who is currently displaying a proud smirk. He registers footsteps behind him, the sound of bare feet padding closer and closer until they stop only a few feet away. His mouth is dry as he turns to face the cute thought-to-be computer guy.

Mark’s face perks up in a coy smile. “Hi, Donghyuck.”

His heart is pounding, mind stumbling and thudding. For the first time in his twenty-five years of life, Donghyuck is completely and utterly speechless. “You — but I thought — you’re not—?” He can’t tell if his voice shows his confusion or if it hints at his oncoming anger or if it’s some sort of fucked up hybrid of the two, but whatever his emotions may be they are currently scrambling any coherency he may have possessed. 

“Surprise?” Mark says, smile all the wider as his shining white teeth egg Donghyuck on. He feels like a bull in front of a matador; taunted and teased in front of an anticipating crowd. His face flares red in vexation. 

He barely hears Johnny utter the fateful word, “Begin,” before he’s taking his stance. Rage overwhelms him, flowing over the top of his carefully constructed dam and cracking every foundation he had in place. His nerves crackle and fizz as they’re licked with flames, goading him on from the inside out until all sense of reality is lost, and he charges. 

He realizes all too late that this would be his first mistake. 

One second he’s lined up perfectly for the execution, heart thrumming and muscles about to explode from sudden exertion, and the next he’s being knocked onto his knees and meeting the sight of Mark’s wooden staff against his own sweat stricken forehead. 

“One to Mark.”

Donghyuck seethes. Mark just smiles, the same childish and goofy grin without malice of any kind. Donghyuck feels like he’s on fire; all he can see is red and his skin is hot to the touch. He can feel the split ends of his hair stick to the back of his neck, sopping wet and salty with his sweat. It's gross — he'll be the first to admit — but it brings him a strange comfort; reminds him of the days when he was sweating inside of the Conn-Pod, partner at his side as they march out to take down their latest rival in the form of a kaiju. Never in a million years did he think he would be back here, sparring with someone that isn't his partner.

He's forced out of his thoughts at the sight of Mark moving, taking the offense first this time. Mark draws his staff to his side and points it forward as he takes several long strides towards Donghyuck.

"I've got you this time, Lee," Donghyuck swings his body to the side and uses his own staff to fling Mark's upwards and out of the way before pressing his own against the other boy's hip, "One to one." Mark's body moves like liquid, up and out with every heaving breath. He backs up, a smirk taking the place of the once kind and innocent smile.

"That's more like it."

They charge at each other, nothing held back or reserved, and it isn't long before their wooden weapons are clashing in the center, both of them taking their turns trying to break through the other's defense. Donghyuck sees an opening between one of Mark's combos and uses it as his chance to aim his staff directly at the other man's forehead.

"Two to one."

There isn't any hesitance the next time, staffs flying to block and attack all at the same time. Mark tries to attack from the left, Donghyuck blocks and counters from the right. An endless battle of equal forces is the only way he could think to describe it and it's only when his brain starts to play the word equal on repeat and realizes the hidden meaning that he slips up, Mark taking the cue perfectly and using it to jump to Donghyuck's side and place his staff just below the brunette's chin.

They're panting in unison, matching with sweaty palms and sweaty feet as Johnny calls out a loud, "Enough."

Donghyuck's eyes widen exponentially and he flips himself around to look the officer in the eyes. They're calm and collected from the exterior, but Donghyuck can see the utter relief hiding in the background.

Johnny turns his attention to the remaining cadets, "That will be all for today, thank you for your time." They give him short bows and quickly make their way out of the room.

"But, Johnny—"

"I've made my decision."

Donghyuck looks up at him, big confused eyes conflicting with the scowl that no doubt rests on his lips. He rotates to look at Mark with his eyebrows furrowed and a nasty look in his eye.

"Donghyuck, listen I know you're probably—" He doesn't let Mark finish as he rushes out of the training room, bare feet cold against the metal floor that greets him as he enters the hallway.

Johnny and Mark’s yells fade into the background of Donghyuck’s mushy head and he finds that his thoughts are silent for the first time in a long while. 

—:-:—:-:—:-:—

Donghyuck makes his newfound distaste for Mark clear very early on into their training. 

They are sent to one of the training rooms together two days after their pairing — a Monday (thank god for having Sundays off). The weather outside is bright and sunny and a complete opposition to Donghyuck’s mood. He drags his feet like a child the entire walk from his cabin to the training facilities, the only thing keeping him from quitting the program is the thought of ‘What then?’ It scares him — a lot — and that’s enough for him to at least show up. 

Mark is already there by the time he strolls up, warming up in the corner and stretching his arms. Donghyuck — although he wouldn’t be caught dead admitting it out loud — admires his physique. He’s thin erring on the side of skinny, but his toned arms and legs more than make up for where his figure is otherwise lacking. 

But the second Mark catches his eyes, his curiosity is poisoned with memories of the past few weeks and morphs into a glare. A cold, hard, dangerous glare with so much malice behind it he hopes it’s enough to kill. 

Unfortunately for Donghyuck, it isn’t. But it does seem to have an effect on Mark who immediately straightens and sets his face into an uncomfortably stone-like appearance. Donghyuck smirks in his mind, keeping his outward expression neutral. 

They train like this: cautious arms and hesitant legs and dangerous looks behind their eyes. Day in and day out — night after restless night. It turns into a routine of sorts. For as unusual and against protocol as it is, they need the time to train together before either can be trusted enough to pilot a Jaeger.

Training with Mark brings up more memories than Donghyuck would like to have running around inside his brain at the moment. He recalls a similar scenario, one where he and his ex-partner were measly cadets training and reaching for their dreams of becoming rangers. 

“You’ve got to try harder than that, Donghyuck. We aren’t ever going to pass the program if you don’t get your head in it.” Donghyuck’s partner calls out, dark hair glued to his forehead with sweat. Donghyuck feels his own face and finds the remnants of dried salt, sticky and dry and disgusting after hours of constant training. 

“We’ll be fine. You really think I’d let us fail?”

His partner; huffs and leans down to take a sip from a water bottle. “I don’t think you would intentionally sabotage us, no. But if you let your mind travel off to God-knows-where every time we train then we’ll never be ready.” 

Their luck runs out quickly, however, when they’re both summoned to LOCCENT one bleary morning. The entire Shatterdome is draped in dread and hopelessness from the previous night’s Kaiju attack: two category fours back to back. Everyone is drained and stressed and anxious at higher levels with each Kaiju attack becoming closer and closer together.

Donghyuck is greeted with the chill of LOCCENT and the — to be quite frank — dead-looking Johnny Suh. His face is sunken in and pale, under-eye bags accentuated by his otherwise ghastly appearance. His lips still hold an optimistic smile that slams Donghyuck in his gut. 

‘As soon as I’m back in a Jaeger I’m gonna show those Kaijus a piece of my fucking mind.’

His rage doesn’t end, however, when a certain someone enters the room. It boils over the edge of the pot, an angry bubbling mess. Mark Lee walks into the room with his usual messy ensemble of a white t-shirt and ranger uniform pants, his uniform jacket being thrown on as he walks. 

“Woah, Johnny you look like Hell.”

‘ Mark Lee, you are an idiot.’ Donghyuck thinks just as Johnny turns towards Mark.

A tired smile graces his face, “I feel like Hell.” He laughs it off, but the room’s air shifts, and everyone can feel it. They are all exhausted and run dry of any reservation of energy. 

The entire Shatterdome is getting desperate for relief, Donghyuck can feel it with every breath and every step he takes. 

“Thank you both for getting here on such short notice, and I apologize for not having any further warning.” Johnny starts, his voice light and raspy, “I know this is very out of the blue and very early, but the PPDC is getting desperate and it’s unfortunately out of my control.”

From the look on Mark’s face, Donghyuck is guessing that he doesn’t know what Johnny is talking about either. “Johnny, what are you—”

“You two are going to be Drifting today.”

Donghyuck’s heart lurches so hard he can feel it get lodged in his throat. Blood drains his face and pools in his collar, leaving him flaming under his shirt but so cold in his cheekbones and forehead. His eyes are as wide as physically possible and it’s through them that he sees Mark is equally — if not more so — affected by the sudden statement. 

“What?!” Donghyuck splutters, eyebrows creased and angry. “Johnny, I’m really not sure this is such a good idea —”

“We don’t have a choice.” The room stills at Johnny’s sparingly used authoritative voice. “The Shatterdome is running out of morale, our other rangers are working themselves to death, and you two are our last resort.” He stands in front of the main control panel and rests his hands against the metal, Jungwoo at his side and pretending to busy himself with switches and buttons.

“The two of you are being assigned to the recently recommissioned mark III Rocky Bermuda.” Mark’s face pales. “Go suit up.”

He can see Mark gulp and nod from his peripheral; sees him look down at Donghyuck’s hand and sees him flick his wrist towards Donghyuck, but he stops short, turning his hand to a fist and instead saying, “Let’s go, Donghyuck.” 

He stares at Johnny’s back one last second, and no matter how much Donghyuck may think he deserves a glare, he knows it wasn’t his choice. 

Donghyuck casts his eyes down and sees a pair of combat boots similar to his own; Mark’s. He follows them out the door and down a few hallways before the familiar grated floor of the bridge to the Conn-Pod sounds out beneath his steps. When his eyes finally glance up he sees a few people wearing outfits similar to white hazmat suits, each standing next to a cart with various familiar parts. His steps stutter, nearly tripping himself over his own feet, before righting himself and proceeding towards the people. 

Mark is standing only a few feet in front of him, already shucking off his top layer of clothing to get into the underlayer of the ranger’s suit. Donghyuck would feel weird, staring at a man as he quickly undresses in front of him, but the scene makes his mind flare and shout, ‘ it’s too similar — too much.’ He feels like he’s in a movie as the sight of Mark throwing on the black suit flashes to another, achingly similar person doing the same thing. 

His head pulses, a random person coming up to him and offering Donghyuck his own, identical black garment. Autopilot takes over his body as his mind blows a fuse.

Too much, too much, too much.

He’s wearing the suit now, however long it took him to put it on gone in a blurry second. He barely registers the people behind him, steadying his shaking body as they screw on various sheets of thick metal and wires, getting him ready to Drift.

Donghyuck cusses. ‘Someone is going to be in my head again. Mark Lee… is going to be in my head.

The woman in front of him gives him a weary look as she adjusts his breastplate. He gives a dull shake of his head and she scurries off. Two strong taps against his back let him know that he’s done, the assembly line finished with him.

The bridge echoes beneath his feet, ringing through his ears to suck him out of his thoughts long enough to safely step into the head of the Jaeger in front of him. Mark is already there, carefully walking around the Conn-Pod and examining every little nook and cranny. He runs his hands along the metal walls, the tinny scraping filling the silent void. 

He looks up at the sound of Donghyuck entering and retracts his hands immediately like he was burnt. He clears his throat and gestures vaguely towards the rigs.

The tension between them hangs heavy over their heads, crawling up their spines and into their throats; choking any attempt to verbalize peace. 

They settle their feet into the rigs, metal clamping down on their boots and holding them securely in place. Donghyuck glances down, into the empty void of gears and wires beneath the rigs. He wonders — not for the first time — what it would feel like if he fell into the abyss below. Would his suit sling to the chains, draw him in, and welcome him as their own? Would the gears chip away at his skin until all that's left is metal and bones?

He wonders these sorts of things, not because he wishes for death’s nimble fingers to drag him away from this world, but because he has to. 

Mortality, he’s found, is a useful tool; the only way to keep him on the ground. Hundreds of thousands of feet in the air with more power behind his punch than ever previously thought possible, the constant threat against his lie is the only way to level his ego and keep him on his toes. 

Because with a Jaeger’s pride and power, comes its pain. 

A Kaiju horn to the robot’s shoulder is a sharp sting felt in his own. The weight of its heavy feet is one Donghyuck feels with every step he takes from within the rig. 

The Drift used to be his only form of comfort within the open and unwelcoming nothingness of the Conn-Pod; his only grounding point during battle. 

‘Will I still have that comfort with a complete stranger in my head?’

Mark moves at the edge of his vision, fuzzy and out of focus.

Footsteps echo across metal as the assistants from outside make their way in, bustling quietly to finish securing the pair to the rigs. The sounds of electric drivers and wrenches bounce off the walls as metal arms are connected to their backs and elbows. 

Mark stretches a shoulder, Donghyuck shakes out his knees, both put their helmets on their heads. 

The assistants are done in what feels like a single second, trained to get rangers ready for combat at any moment and as fast as possible. 

Johnny’s voice booms out through the intercoms. “Ready?”

Mark reaches his right arm up to adjust a few knobs and switches on the control panel in front of him. “Ready for the drop, Officer.”

“Ready for drop,” Comes out of Donghyuck’s mouth, second nature to him after years and years of the same routine. The Anchorage Shatterdome is so similar to the one in Sydney, it hardly feels any different. 

‘Except everything is different,’ He reminds himself, the person in the rig next to him almost a complete stranger. 

Jungwoo announces a quick and practiced, “Drop sequence is a go.” Donghyuck feels his body shutter as the crisp words reach his skull. 

Gears churn and springs shift beneath them as Donghyuck braces himself. The sound of metal frames connecting to Rocky Bermuda’s head is the last thing to hit his ears before they plummet.

The ground beneath Donghyuck’s feet doesn’t fall out from under him, but it feels much the same. A newly formed pit in his stomach practically plasters itself to the roof of his mouth as gravity tries desperately to right itself. 

It’s over in the blink of an eye and Donghyuck is thankful for the few seconds of calm and silence it brought his mind. For once, the terrors of his memory decide to leave him alone. 

Mark’s voice is the first thing he hears post-drop; “Wow, I definitely don’t remember it being that bad.” Donghyuck allows himself a shallow, almost empty, chuckle and chooses to ignore the sparkle it brings to Mark’s eyes. 

“LOCCENT to Rocky Bermuda, do you copy?”

“Loud and clear from our end.”

“All comms up and operational. Ready to initiate Drift on your go.”

‘This is it,’ Donghyuck thinks, Mark turning to look at him before responding to Jungwoo. Donghyuck swallows thickly, feeling Mark’s eyes as if they were staring straight through him and reading his mind. ‘Which is exactly what he’ll be doing.’ He turns to his right, coming face to face with Mark. The other gives him a short and gentle nod. 

With a final shaking breath, Donghyuck reaches a hand up to his own, nearly identical, control panel. The intercom button feels heavy beneath his finger. “Rocky Bermuda ready for Drift, Sir.”

He sees Mark at the corner of his peripheral. He’s giving himself an assertive little nod, not unlike the one he gave Donghyuck only moments ago, and readies himself for the trial ahead.

Donghyuck feels all the terror and anxiety from throughout the day build in him in a single moment, running down his legs and up his sides and rendering him nearly paralyzed.

“Ten, nine, eight—”  

Donghyuck nearly buckles over. ‘If I can fight a Kaiju, I can certainly Drift with Mark. Right?’

“—Seven, six, five, four—”

He takes a deep breath, his body shuttering with the effort to stay calm. 

“ —Three, two—”

His head turns to look at Mark one last time as these versions of themselves; versions before they know each other inside and out. Mark is already looking at him when he turns, and something in his eyes tells him ‘It’ll be okay.’

“—One.”

For once, Donghyuck chooses to believe him.

—:-:—:-:—:-:—

Tears.

Clouded vision.

‘It’s dark.’

“Shhh… it’ll all be okay.”

A broken sob, “Why… why them?”

She stays quiet. ‘A girl?’

“Why us?”

A sigh, “Sometimes God makes decisions we don’t like, but he makes them for very important reasons.”

A sniffle, “Why did he make this one?”

“Because God has a plan, Markie. A plan that we may never know.”

“So… mom and dad… they were a part of his plan?”

“I know it’s hard, and it probably doesn’t make any sense, and it seems so unfair, but yes. And we can either remain faithful and pray it will all turn out for the better, or we can sulk and question his every action. Neither is wrong, or easy, but one lets us move on and find peace.”

Quiet. A rustle of hands. A wail, “What are we going to do now?” 

“I don’t know Markie, but we’ll figure it out.”

A Flash.

Water.

Salt.

Crash. Bang, boom. 

“Look to your right...”

Screams. A girl. ‘The same girl?’

‘She’s bleeding, where’s her arm?’

A Kaiju, its mouth.

Its eyes.

“Daphne!”

‘She’s gone; it took her.’

Another flash. Blue light. 

A schoolyard. ‘I recognize this,’ Donghyuck thinks.

“Hyuckie! I brought you a chocolate pudding!”

‘Jeno?’

Blue flash. 

“Jeno! Engage shoulder cannons!”

‘I’ve seen this… Where have I seen this?’

He gasps, a sharp pain in his shoulder.

“Hawker Demon, You’ve been hit.”

“No shit, Sherlock.” ‘Jeno?’

“We’re sending in backup. Hawker Demon prepare for retreat I repeat prepare for retreat.”

Donghyuck’s arm moves on its own, “We’ve got this! We can take him down.”

“You’ve lost both sets of canons and thrusters; any more damage and you’ll be critical.”

He grunts, “Jeno?”

“You know he’s right, Hyuck. Any longer out here and we’ll be completely defenseless.”

Hawker Demon’s sword is drawn and trying to slice through the category five Kaiju in front of them. The first category five ever.

Donghyuck curses under his breath. “Hawker Demon awaiting backup and prepared for retreat.”

The Kaiju’s skin glistens through the window in front of him. If the damned thing wasn’t trying to kill him and his partner, he’d almost think it’s beautiful.

The Drift connects them, welding their minds into one. Alone, they would implode with the neural load of the giant robot. But together, they’re unstoppable. A split second thought is shared between the two of them and translates directly to a punch in the beast’s side. The ugly scream it answers with stains Donghyuck’s ears. 

For a moment, he thinks, ‘Something is wrong.’ He looks around; Demon’s Conn-Pod is the same. Every inch of the Kaiju is on display. Everything is as it should be.

“Donghyuck…”

“Donghyuck!”

“Don’t chase the rabbit…”

“Focus!”

His thoughts turn to mush, thoughts crumbling.

His head feels like it’s being crushed in as his legs catch fire.

He looks down, his suit and rig the same tarnished metal as always. No flames. 

Donghyuck’s eyes snap shut, the sensation traveling up his spine and making him feel faint. They snap open again, his brain operating on autopilot.

‘Jeno…’

His partner screams, an awful blood-curdling sound. Donghyuck turns to him and sees him as he falls unconscious. 

There’s a Kaiju claw stabbed through his spine and curved just right to come out the other side, straight through the front of Jeno’s thigh. 

“Hawker Demon do you copy, I repeat do you copy?”

“Jeno, he’s — Kaiju, him—”

“Donghyuck you need to eject now.” 

“You — you want me to leave him? I can’t just — oh my god—” 

“Ranger that is an order you need to eject right now or both of you will—” Donghyuck turns off the line between LOCCENT and the Jaeger. He disengages his rig despite the dangers and crosses the Conn-Pod to Jeno’s control panel. The Kaiju has pulled its claw out by this point, leaving Jeno bloody and slouched over. Donghyuck pushes a few buttons and pulls a final lever and the metal arms of the rig carry Jeno’s lifeless form into his escape pod, shutting the door and ejecting quickly. 

He hears a faint, “POWER LEVELS CRITICAL: THIRTY-TWO PERCENT,” before he rushes back to his own rig. A loud roar is all the warning before the Jaeger jolts, Donghyuck sent flying across the Conn-Pod as if he were a tiny pebble. His shoulder screams at him as he comes in contact with the sturdy wall. The wide-open space of the Jaeger’s head has never felt so uninviting. 

Donghyuck drags himself across the floor, eventually reaching the rig. He uses the metal arms to raise himself into the gear, clicking his boots into place while moving his arm up to his own control panel, his fingers finding the correct buttons and levers on pure instinct and adrenaline. 

Another thud causes his already injured shoulder to fly into the side of the equipment, pain shooting through his every nerve. 

“EJECTION SEQUENCE INITIATED.” 

The last thing he sees from the Conn-Pod is the red and blinking overhead light, spinning and twisting in place as it shines out the Kaiju-produced hole in the wall. 

The Sydney sunrise smiles at him in the distance. Donghyuck’s world goes black.

—:-:—:-:—:-:—

When he wakes up he’s met with a foggy view of a metal ceiling. His ears are ringing and his head is pounding and all he wants to do is fall back asleep. 

“Donghyuck? Hey, hey, it’s okay I’ve got you…”

His head lolls to the side — in the direction of the faint speaking. His cheek is met with the cool metal of the shoulder of his pilot suit and his eyes level with the floor. Slowly but surely his nerves jump back to attention and he realizes he’s slumped over next to his rig in Rocky Bermuda. 

‘I’m not in Hawker Demon. I’m safe. Jeno is—’

“Can you hear me? Donghyuck?” It’s the same voice, although a little clearer this time. He blinks a few times and his vision clears enough to make out Mark’s worried face. 

Donghyuck’s throat constricts before he can say anything, choking on his own words. He manages a small nod. 

His first instinct with his renewed clarity is to sit up, brush himself off, and run out of there as fast as possible. 

‘I knew this was a bad idea. There was no chance in Hell we’d be Drift compatible so soon — if ever.’

It’s when he tries to grind his palm into the floor and push himself back up that he realizes a very important detail that had somehow escaped him up until this point: he’s in Mark’s lap.

Whether Mark had sensed he was falling through the Drift and rushed over to catch him or he had simply scooped Donghyuck up after the fact is beyond him. He doesn’t think he particularly likes either option.

Mark winces at the sudden pressure from the heel of Donghyuck’s hand, but he makes no move to let go of him. Donghyuck’s back is held up by Mark’s chest and Donghyuck can hear his rhythmic heartbeat through the armor.

He gives up fighting, too tired to struggle any longer, and is calmed by Mark’s breathing.

Funny, something that would have infuriated him weeks ago is now keeping him in his right mind. He feels grounded after being forced to revisit his worst nightmares — safe even. He tries to push aside everything negative between Mark and him; tries to let go for once in his God-damned life. 

“You can’t try to control everything under the sun, Hyuckie.” He remembers his mom saying that, more times than he could probably count. 

The last time she had said that was the day before he enlisted into cadet school. He’s sure that if he was still in his normal state he would feel his heart give a dull thump in his chest and he would try to swallow down any signs of his heartache. Now, he’s not sure he could cry. Everything feels so numb and nonexistent, Donghyuck wonders if the Drift caused him to fall into a different reality altogether. 

But then there’s Mark; warm and firm beneath his head and fingers. He feels real — a physical thing for Donghyuck to cling to for sanity in this moment. Mark is his tether to materiality, right here and right now. 

The entrance to the Conn-Pod opens suddenly and two panels, one retracting into the ceiling and the other into the ground, give way to reveal a worried an out-of-breath Johnny. 

“Donghyuck!” He hurries over towards the pair, two assistants from before following close behind. Donghyuck grunts internally, not enjoying all the fuss being made. 

“Mark…” His voice is barely above a whisper as he calls out to the other. Mark’s eyes fly to Donghyuck’s, pure concern written behind his gaze. This time Donghyuck actually grunts as he shifts himself from his position. “Help me up.”

Mark blinks at him once, twice, before he finally attempts to assist Donghyuck to his feet. It’s after a few seconds of watching Donghyuck struggle that he whispers a short, “Fuck it,” before practically manhandling the younger into a standing position. Donghyuck, too mentally and physically tired to start a fight, lets him. Johnny is on Donghyuck in a second, patting him on the shoulders and arms to check if he’s alright.

“Johnny, I’m fine. Stop worrying so much.” 

Johnny does just the opposite. He leans back for a second to inspect the brunette’s face before he’s snapping his fingers and summoning the assistants who were previously watching from the side. They practically swarm him as they begin inspecting him from bottom to top, slowly leading him towards the Conn-Pod’s exit. 

Donghyuck wants to scream and throw a fit, yell at them all that he’s fine, tell them it was a fluke . He wants to throw them off of him and run out the door. 

Just as he starts contemplating his escape plan, however, he sees a blur leave the Conn-Pod.

‘Mark?’ He was walking fast, much faster than Donghyuck can recall seeing him, even throughout their hours of training together. His mind runs rampant instantly; ‘Where’s he going? Why’s he running so fast? Is he okay?’ He wonders when he started caring so much about Mark — wonders when his anger and hatred turned to concern. 

The second he steps out of the Jaeger and back onto the grated bridge, the bright overhead lights blind him and push his thoughts to the side. His hearing goes fuzzy and his brain all but melts as he lets himself be guided to the Shatterdome med bay, Johnny ushering him forward with a subtle hand across his shoulder blades. He knows they’re saying something but he can’t for the life of him find it in himself to care all that much. 

He feels faded from existence, like the Drift took a part of him and is holding it hostage. Donghyuck starts to think it may be the truth. He lets his mind turn off for the time being as he’s practically dragged across the Shatterdome and into the med bay where he falls asleep. 

—:-:—:-:—:-:—

To Donghyuck’s relief the doctor that gave him several exams following his ‘episode’ — as he is now deciding to refer to it as — cleared him as perfectly healthy and just shooken up. 

‘You fucking think?’ He thinks sarcastically. He was given strict instructions to go back to his cabin and simply rest. 

“You’ve had a long day,” Is what Johnny told him. “Go sleep for as long as you want and come talk to me sometime tomorrow.”

Donghyuck wanted to tell him off and shout, ‘I told you so!’ from the rooftops. He knew it wasn’t going to work. Mark and him weren’t Drift compatible now and probably never will be. He wants to bang his head against a wall, maybe cry a little bit. 

He feels so defeated. First Jeno, having the two things he cared the most about ripped out from beneath him, and now being forced to relive it all. The Drift was bad, Donghyuck will admit, but the utter disappointment that follows him around is even worse. 

‘What if I never pilot again? Is that it? Australian Jaeger pilot Donghyuck becomes a washed-out veteran after failed attempts at trying to restore his glory?’ His thoughts consume him, his stomach curling in on itself and trying to tear through his organs bit by bit. He feels so defeated.

The walk back to his cabin was a short blur, his feet acting on tired instinct and muscle memory, dragging his near lifeless form the entire way there. He looks across the hall. Mark’s door is tightly shut but Donghyuck can hear murmured speech through the walls. He unlocks the door to his own cabin, not thinking twice as it slams closed behind him. 

It’s still early — only 10 in the morning — but Donghyuck feels like he hasn't slept for three days. The silence of his empty room greets him and swallows him whole, sinking uncomfortably in his bones and rendering him even more exhausted. His head throbs with the absence of noise and he wonders if this will be his final straw. ‘Is this how I finally snap?'

Here, in this eerily quiet room, Donghyuck's mind starts its siege. Everything he had thought he had moved on from — thought he had left in the past — pricks his arm and neck, tiny needles shifting in their place and reminding him of all the pain he's been avoiding.

He thinks of his partner — Jeno, and of Mark, who is nearly a stranger to Donghyuck. 

Or at least was.

The screams from the Drift ring through his ears. He knows that memory was not his own; knows it isn't from a realistic movie he's seen nor a clip of inside Jaeger simulators from when he was a cadet.

'That one was Mark's memory. Jesus fuck...' He sees the girl’s figure being dragged out through the hole in the head of the robot, the Kaiju staring straight into his eyes the entire time, almost taunting him.

"There is nothing like being in the Drift, having more than an entire database of information from someone’s life at the tip of your finger and at your will. It's a huge risk for those involved. This is why trust is such an important factor. Without trust, a single thought from one person could demolish the mind of another."

That was something he remembers an instructor saying to them on their first day of Drift training. They all had sweaty hands and suffocating shirt collars as they stood at attention, worrying themselves in their head on whether they thought they could actually Drift. And not everyone could. Donghyuck remembers day after day, the lines of cadets shuffling with their heads down as they failed to Drift time and time again.

He especially recalls looking over at Jeno's face, both of them so nervous they felt like passing out, as the lines got shorter and shorter every day until eventually there were no more lines. The PPDC had made their decision and, out of four pairs, Jeno and Donghyuck had successfully passed their final training and exams and been chosen as the next Sydney Jaeger pilots.

The worry and nerves that had been collecting for ages all boiled together to form utter relief and happiness. Donghyuck had to restrain himself from collapsing Jeno in a giant hug the second they got the news, a young Johnny Suh — only a sergeant at the time — still stood in front of them.

He thinks about just how much time has passed, from enlisting in the cadet program at just 16, to being declared an official ranger at 19. All of it coming to a head now as 25-year-old Donghyuck sits at the edge of his bed and wonders where it all went wrong. He’s tired of trying to pretend he doesn’t see the sideways glances as he passes people in the halls. The pity behind their eyes makes him want to throw up every time he sees it, nausea hitting him like a freight train. 

He flops down on his bed with a grunt and lets his head hit the comfort of his flat pillow. 

His thoughts thrum with too much of everything; an itch in his subconscious he can’t quite reach. The last two months of his life flash in a series of memories and emotions, from waking up in the hospital ward with so many aches and pains, a scream the first thing out of his mouth with his newfound consciousness, to packing all of his most important belongings and climbing aboard his flight to Anchorage, a quiet ‘Goodbye’ whispered from his lips as the wind whipped through his hair. 

Donghyuck regrets so much — too much for someone that is supposed to have a clear mind. And then something clicks; ‘that’s why I failed to Drift.’  

But out of everything he regrets, there is a single thing that clings to his thoughts and makes him lightheaded. 

His hands move on instinct, swiping and navigating through his phone in a blurry frenzy. His brain moves faster than he can keep up with, muscle memory working in his favor as he finally comes to the screen he was trying to get to.

Favorite Contacts

엄마 

double yang

Johnny~

jeno <3

Donghyuck doesn’t have to think long about it, hovering over the call button only a fraction of a second before his thumb meets the phone and the contacts page fades into the video call screen. 

A row of buttons lines the bottom of the display, each with a different icon and function. His reflection shows just above it, blinking back at him with a short delay as the signal tries to register through the thick metal walls. 

It rings once, twice, a third time. It isn’t until the fourth tone gets interrupted that Donghyuck questions if this was a good idea. 

“Hyuck?”  

His heart leaps into his throat. He chokes on his words and his eyes prickle with emotion that has been ignored for far too long.

“Hi.” He doesn’t mean to sound as weak as he does but the sound of Jeno’s voice chips away at his carefully constructed walls. 

“Donghyuck? What’s wrong?”

He feels a single tear boil over the edge and all he can manage is a dry cough. 

Jeno’s face contorts. “Donghyuck. I’ve been in your head more times than I can count. I know you and I know you’re upset about something.” Donghyuck shifts his gaze from the screen. “And yeah, the elephant in the room? We are definitely going to have a talk about why you haven’t so much as answered my texts. But right now you are upset and you are going to tell me about it.”

“I’m starting to think you know me a little too well.” 

“You’re stalling.”

Donghyuck heaves a sigh. “Fine.” Jeno straightens up. He takes a deep breath, and continues: “Today was my first Drift attempt with a new partner. And I—” He chokes down a sob. “—I fucking blew it Jen. I relived that day and it felt so real. I chased the rabbit and I fucked everything up.” 

Jeno’s eyes are kind in the darkness of his room, full of concern and understanding. 

It makes Donghyuck cry harder. “Jeno, I’m so so sorry. For everything.” He feels his ribs shake as his lungs struggle to take in air. 

“What? Hyuck, what’s going on? Why are you sorry?”

Donghyuck gasps to try and steady himself, a small hiccup in the place of his restrained sobs. “I tried Drifting again today and I saw it again. The nightmares had been bad enough but this was so real and I saw you again.” Jeno’s face falls, realization taking over. “I was so scared. I can’t — I don’t think — I can’t have someone else in my head again Jeno. It was supposed to be you and me to the end but I had to go and fuck everything up—”

“—Donghyuck I need you to breathe. You’re going to hyperventilate.”

He’s full-on sobbing by this point, ugly tears staining his cheeks and burning his skin the whole way down. He tries to take a deep breath like Jeno says but all that comes is more.

“Donghyuck, listen to me, okay?” Jeno’s voice has gone stern, trying to rein Donghyuck in any way he can. “You’re okay. You’re in your cabin in the Anchorage Shatterdome and you’re safe. I am safe in my room, everyone is fine.” Jeno moves for the first time since the beginning of the call, going to turn on a lamp next to his bed. 

Donghyuck watches as Jeno’s hands travel to below his desk and settle just above his thighs. His hands pull towards himself. The silver wheels under his fingers are the first thing Donghyuck sees. 

‘I did that to him… I put him in that thing…’ He sobs harder. 

“Oh god, Jeno. I’m so fucking s-sorry. You don’t deserve this, you did nothing wrong. This is all my fault, God damn it.”

Jeno is back to the desk in a second, his voice smooth and comforting. “Donghyuck, is that—? You don’t think that what happened to me is your fault, do you?” Donghyuck stays quiet. “Oh, Hyuck… Nothing that happened that day was your fault, you hear me? That Kaiju would have killed me if it got the chance. But it didn’t get the chance because you were there and you were smart. You ejected — not just yourself — but me too even though you know it’s against protocol. You are the reason I am alive Donghyuck. And that’s all there is to it.”

He hiccups quietly. “You don’t deserve this Jeno. You’ve always been the nicer, more understanding one between us. You don’t put up a fight at every single thing and if it had been me instead of you you probably could have been back out in the field by now. I took your dream away from you. How come you haven’t yelled or screamed or gotten mad at me?”

Jeno chuckles. “Because you’d like it too much if I got angry.” He laughs again, but Donghyuck can barely manage a smile.

“I’m being serious.”

“So am I! What that Kaiju did has nothing to do with you. Sure, you were there and you witnessed it, but that’s fucking life. Shit happens.” Donghyuck fiddles with his fingers as he leans his phone up against the wall next to his cot, laying on his side. “And what do you mean you took my dreams away? I got six amazing years fighting giant monsters and saving the world with my best friend by my side.”

Jeno’s eye smile is contagious and Donghyuck feels his own lips perk up into a grin. 

“We both knew the risks every time we went into battle and that time it just so happened that the risks became reality. But you can’t let what happened to me stop you from still going out there and doing what you love, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck takes a deep breath, shaking significantly less this time around, a small grin still plastered to his face. “It’s not gonna be the same without you.”

“Well I would sure hope not or it would sound like you’re replacing me.” That gets a laugh out of the brunette, Jeno smiling through the screen at him. “Nothing is ever going to be the same, Donghyuck. Whether it’s in a Jaeger or otherwise, you can’t count on every experience being identical.”  

Donghyuck doesn’t say anything — can’t say anything — because he knows Jeno is right. 

“Besides, it sounds like you and Mark are going to make really great Drift partners.” He shines a bright smile, genuine and big.

Donghyuck feels one crawl up his face as well, Jeno’s entire energy contagious. Donghyuck’s eyebrows screw together after a few moments. “Wait… How did you know about Mark? I never said his name.”

Jeno only smiles wider. “I wondered how you were doing and asked around. Let’s just say Johnny likes talking a lot and got into rambling about you and that new partner of yours.” 

Donghyuck’s grin falls, remembering everything from earlier that day. Jeno must see his expression change, but doesn’t comment on it — waiting for Donghyuck to talk on his own.  

“We failed to Drift. I — god damnit, there’s no way the PPDC is going to let me near a Jaeger ever again. Jeno, that was probably my last chance and I fucking blew it.” He feels tears try to take over again, the lump reforming in his throat and stinging ten-fold. 

“Donghyuck. Don’t be so pessimistic. We both know for a fact that Johnny would never let that happen. If the PPDC tried getting rid of you they’d have to get rid of him too.” Jeno pauses, thinking over his next words. “We both know the support for the PPDC is going down more and more every day and with constantly decreasing funding they don’t have the resources to replace either of you.”

Donghyuck sniffles, wiping at his nose with his sleeve. Jeno’s face is still kind, his fondness showing even in the dark. 

‘Why is his room so dark? It’s still — oh shit.’

“Jeno isn’t it like… 4 am for you?” All he gets in response is a sheepish grin. “Lee Jeno! Why are you awake right now! You should be resting.”

He just laughs, “I’m fine Donghyuck. I’m still staying in the hospital ward and they fuss over me plenty. God, I swear every time I try to even drink out of my own cup they worry. Early morning is the only time I get a little peace and quiet because the late shift nurses are much more chill.”

Donghyuck pouts. “You’re Sydney’s golden little poster boy, of course they’re going to fuss. I’m pretty sure they would give you anything you wanted if you so much as mentioned it in passing.” 

They both have a laugh at that, comfortable silence following it. ‘I’ve missed this.’

“So what are you going to do to make it up to Mark?”

‘Mark…’

He sighs, staring at his ceiling and hoping that it will open up to tell him all the answers. “I have no idea. I hadn’t even thought about it but — yeah, I messed up that Drift for him too. God, I feel like such a piece of shit.”

“Well, if I was you, I think a great starting place would be an apology.” He knows Jeno is right — he always is — but that doesn’t exactly make it any easier. 

“Yeah… I’m fucking exhausted though and I wouldn’t doubt for a second that he is too. I think I’ll give it a few hours just to let everything cool down a bit.”

Jeno nods, an encouraging smile paired with the gesture. “Sounds good to me.” Donghyuck nearly cries again.

‘Lee Jeno… What would I do without you huh?’

“Probably something stupid.” They laugh at Donghyuck saying that out loud, a shared glance with years of understanding between them. 

“Thank you, Jeno. For everything.” 

“Of course. Anytime.” A small wave of a hand is the last thing Donghyuck sees of Jeno across his screen, a slightly less uncomfortable silence overtaking him instantly. He thinks about everything that’s happened today; everything he’s messed up and everything he’s accomplished. It makes his head spin, not knowing what the future holds for him. 

He feels himself nod off slowly, exhaustion taking over his body as his last kick of adrenaline finally wears off. 

He falls asleep peacefully like that, his phone propped up next to him and his mind completely void of nightmares for once. 

—:-:—:-:—:-:—

Donghyuck’s mouth is dry when he wakes up and he mentally curses himself for not brushing his teeth. It’s a gross and bitter taste, salt nipping at the edge of his gums. His cheeks and eyes are stiff from the remnants of tears and he uses the bottom of his shirt to wipe it all away with little success. Everything feels stiff and his muscles cry out to him, begging him to stop moving and go back to sleep. He ignores it all and pushes himself up from the side of his bed. 

A small kitchenette takes up the corner of his cabin, where he finds himself brewing a cup of tea. His brain churns as it tries to reboot from his sleep and the first thing he notices is the small clock next to his sink. It blinks slow and steady, robotic green letters reading 9:58 pm.  

With his warm mug of tea providing comfort against the chilly nip at his skin and a fresh mind, he thinks about everything that had happened that day. 

Donghyuck recalls his feelings before, during, and after the Drift as if he were feeling them all at once in the current moment. They flood his senses and nearly consume him, but he refuses to give in to the hopelessness again. He’s felt it too many times in one day for anyone’s good. 

The silence that surrounds him now is manageable with a clear head and the mess of everything is only a dull thump of his heart, his blood pumping slowly as if saying ‘we have all the time in the world.’ He knows it’s a lie, if not an extreme stretch of the truth, because the sun will rise again tomorrow and if the PPDC isn’t banging on his door first thing in the morning then Johnny sure will be. 

The remnants of his headache pound against his skull but he chooses to ignore that too. He, instead, reflects on his talk with Jeno and everything they discussed. 

‘Mark…’ It’s a name he’s been thinking about a lot. The older boy a constant over the past month of his life in so many ways. That first night under the fading glow of the canteen’s lights, their training sessions of sweat and swear words and sweetness. He wonders if Mark hates him after everything; every time Donghyuck had pushed him away cracking the already rusting foundation between them. Maybe, if nothing changed, the ground would open up and swallow them both in one gulp along with every negative emotion clouding their atmosphere. His gaze unconsciously wanders to his right and he stares at his cabin door. His eyes are intense and focused, as if he were trying to see right through the thick metal and into the room on the other side.

But Donghyuck doesn’t have x-ray vision and he realizes that if he doesn’t walk over there he may never know what’s truly happening beyond the frame. 

His mug slams onto the counter behind him and lavender-scented droplets splash across the surface. He throws on a blank grey sweatshirt and opts for a pair of similarly plain tennis shoes in place of his combat boots. They feel light under his feet and easy on his knees and Donghyuck counts it as a small blessing. 

He finds that optimism is much easier when you’ve already risked everything. 

His hand catches on keys next to the door before he’s stepping out, closing the heavy metal slab with a soft click. The hall is empty and the lights are dimmed for the night, the only source of which Donghyuck can see being a small yellow nub connected to the ceiling above him. It isn’t the neon yellow of caution signs nor the off-putting dark and mustardy shade, but something in between the two with a hint of warmth. 

The steps leading down from the entrance to his cabin feel shallow and soft beneath him despite his body’s protest to the movement. His knees claw at his nerves and wish for him to stop and rethink everything, but he continues down. 

He only vaguely registers crossing the hall to the door opposite of where he’s just come from before his hand is halting in the middle of a knock. He feels a shiver run down his spine and the blood slowly start to drain to his feet, weighing him down and trying to knock some sort of sense into him. 

He, again, ignores that, and wills his fist forward. He expects to hit the cold metal of the door with his knuckles so when he hits nothing and feels a small gust blow past his face he’s confused for only a moment. 

“Oh, hi Donghyuck.”

“Hi, Jungwoo.” It’s a little awkward, the air between them stiff and full of the events from the day before. 

Jungwoo, for the singular month Donghyuck has known him, has always been a gentle and kind person. So it doesn’t surprise him when Jungwoo steps to the side, holding the door open for him. 

“Try not to wake him?” Is all he gets before the door is closing softly. Donghyuck gives a short nod even though no one is there to see it. 

Mark’s cabin is the exact same as Donghyuck’s, and yet it’s so different. The layout is the same, with the kitchenette and all the nobs and lights on the ceiling and walls. But, unlike Donghyucks cabin, there are pictures everywhere.  

The cupboards of the kitchenette have little polaroids stuck to them, each with unique people and places. One with an arm slung over Mark, the other with Mark laughing big and obnoxiously next to someone else, another of a sunset over a mountain range. All of them little snippets of Mark’s life. 

There are trinkets lining the back of the counter, mini Kaijus and Jaegers fighting with their plastic hands and cartoon faces. There are scratches and dents in the wall and random furniture items pushed against into the corners and it makes Donghyuck feel the strangest mixture of sadness and adoration. 

Mark’s cabin feels alive; a living, breathing, thing that Mark has known for — presumably — a large chunk of his life. 

He hears sheets rustle from the corner of the room. Donghyuck turns slowly until the sight of Mark sleeping peacefully in his cot comes into view. 

His bed is the same, plain, piece of furniture that Donghyuck has in his own cabin, but Mark’s is covered with colorful blankets and quilts, each with a unique story of its own. 

He approaches the bed slowly, soft footsteps crossing the metal floor until he’s standing a short few inches away.

Mark’s breath is quiet and even in the silence of the cabin, the small puffs coming from his nose moving the neckline of the thin shirt he’s wearing. His eyebrows are screwed together and his eyes are squinted. He reminds Donghyuck of a melted tub of ice cream, a dripping mess of sickly sweet that’s pooling on the sheets. Exhaustion shows throughout every part of his body, his limbs gone completely slack. If Donghyuck didn’t understand how tired he must be, he would think his position would be uncomfortable. But he knows the bone-deep fatigue as if it were a life-long friend. 

Donghyuck knows he has two options in this scenario: clean up the sticky and sugary mess in front of him and prevent a stain, or leave it to deal with the next morning. 

He considers his options, looks down at Mark’s face that can’t seem to find peace even when he’s worn out, and decides that this is one of the times he can let it go until the morning. So many things are looming over the both of them, keeping them in a chokehold that is so tight it feels like there’s no escape, but Donghyuck can’t find it in himself to do anything about it; not right now. Tomorrow — ‘later today?’ — is a new day and he decides to wait. Because Mark looks like he may finally get some decent sleep for the first time in — ever. Or at least as long as Donghyuck has known him. The dark bags under Mark’s eyes that follow him around everywhere have told Donghyuck that sleep is an uncommon and fleeting thing in Mark’s life. 

The last thing he wants is to unearth Mark from his nest of what Donghyuck can only hope is comfort. With delicate fingers and light toes, he moves to switch off the lamp beside Mark’s cot, its orange glow fading and only the small lights on the ceiling remaining. It’s quiet, peaceful even. 

He’s hesitant at first, but his inhibitions fall with the darkness that consumes the room, a cloud of smoke and debris left in its wake. His hand pauses in the air only a moment before he strokes his thumb along the crease between Mark’s eyes, smoothing out the taut surface under his touch. Mark’s skin levels out, pale and perfect, as if he hadn’t carried the weight of the world on his shoulders so many times before. 

Donghyuck’s hand falls to the side of Mark’s face, lightly running a finger under his eyes and across his cheek. His nose scrunches in his sleep and Donghyuck can’t help but smile softly. 

He tenderly lifts his hand from Mark’s face, feeling a little warmer than he was before. 

Mark’s hands are only a few inches from where Donghyuck rests his own. His knuckles are white from where he’s gripping the pillow as if he was holding on for dear life. Donghyuck hesitates, again; his mind trying to tug him back from all of this — whatever ‘this’ is. But Donghyuck finds that he’s too tired to care as he takes Mark’s hands in his, feathering the other’s fingers out in an attempt to relax the muscles. 

It’s a gesture so subtle that if Donghyuck weren’t staring at their intertwined fingers, he’s sure he wouldn’t believe it was happening at all. 

Mark stirs, his eyelashes fluttering a bit and his face muscles rippling under his skin.

‘Great. I just woke him up from what is probably the only sleep he’s gotten in ages and now he’s going to get upset with me for being in his room after messing up his chance at getting back in a Jaeger.’

But Mark doesn’t open his eyes and he doesn’t wake up to yell at Donghyuck. He just turns himself onto his side, facing away from the brunette. It causes their hands to disconnect and Donghyuck just barely manages to catch himself as he falls off balance. Both of his arms stretch out in front of him to prevent from falling onto Mark. His calloused hands get caught on the thick cotton fibers of the sheets, grounding him instantly. 

He wonders, for a moment, whether this was a good idea or not. He isn’t an idiot — he’s seen the glances Mark gives during their training sessions. The longing behind his dark irises, the loneliness. It stings his heart, how such a kind and caring person can hurt so much. 

It makes Donghyuck want to leave the room with a trail of flames and tear apart anyone and anything that’s ever made Mark upset. It’s an odd feeling, being willing to go to war for someone that he knew nothing about only hours ago, but it’s so present that Donghyuck can feel the contents of his stomach slowly sour, turning into a mean boil.

Mark needs sleep, desperately, like a thirsty man in the middle of a desert. And no matter how afraid Donghyuck is, he has to admit that he actually cares. He cares enough to give up a night of his own if it means Mark can recharge — hopefully — without nightmares.

He’s hurt Mark so much in the month they’ve known each other, he decides that Mark deserves to have a source of comfort at least once.

Donghyuck sinks down into the sheets, throwing Mark’s multicolored blankets over himself with as little disturbance to the other’s peace as possible. Mark is facing away from him, towards the wall, and Donghyuck doesn’t hesitate when he slings a loose arm over Mark’s torso. His stomach is hot under Donghyuck’s chilled touch, but something in his brain tells him that Mark wouldn’t want him to let go. It’s an odd feeling, one that Donghyuck can’t quite place. He wonders if it is a result of their Drift. 

When he and Jeno had Drifted they had already known everything about each other and only grew stronger and quicker as a team. With Mark, a grand door has opened into a vast collection of memories and subconscious thoughts that Donghyuck isn’t sure he knows how to navigate around. 

His hand comes to lock with one of Mark’s as he brushes a thumb over the back of the other’s knuckles, a feather-light thing that comforts Donghyuck just as much as he hopes it comforts Mark. 

It’s intimate, terribly so, and Donghyuck can only hope it isn’t misplaced. 

But Mark seems to sigh against Donghyuck’s chest and it instantly calms the mental war being fought in Donghyuck’s mind.

His eyelashes start to flutter against Mark’s back as he struggles to keep his eyes open any longer. 

Donghyuck falls asleep like this: wrapped up in Mark’s warmth and aura of comfort, a final sigh of content leaving his lips as he drifts off into a fitless sleep.

—:-:—:-:—:-:—

When Donghyuck wakes up it's as dark as it was when he went to bed. There isn't any sun shining through cracks in the curtains or warm radiant rays. His back is cold and a shiver is the first feeling that greets him as his senses start to come back to him.

The next thing that he registers is the lack of a person beside him, his memory of the night before making him confused and concerned. He sits up slowly and rubs at his eyes, scanning the room around him.

He knows he isn't supposed to be waking up in his room, but waking up in Mark's room is still an odd feeling. The pictures are where they should be, the furniture against the walls still dusty.

All except for one.

"Morning." Mark Lee is sitting on the red armchair set up against the corner. His hair is ruffled up and Donghyuck can see the grease glimmer in the low light emitting from the kitchenette.

"Hi." It's a bit awkward, Donghyuck will be the first to admit, but he's not going to run from his problems this time. "So..."

"We have a lot to talk about." Mark doesn't sound angry or upset, but he does sound exhausted.

"Yeah. I uh—" Donghyuck clears his voice, sleep still sticky in his throat. "—I owe you a few explanations."

Mark nods, encouraging yet firm. The bags under his eyes are still there, but they seem to be lighter than they have been for as long as Donghyuck has known him. 

“We were sent out and thought it was the same as any other mission. Kill the Kaiju, save as much of the city as possible, get out. It was the first category five and we were nervous but we were ready for it. The sea was really rough, more so than usual, and we were having trouble gaining ground with all of it pushing against us. And when we made contact with it we were only 30 miles out from Sydney, so we had a lot of pressure to keep it as far from the city as possible. Jeno and I had been doing it for years, but you could just feel the difference in the atmosphere.” Donghyuck swallowed a thick lump in his throat. Mark urged him on with another small nod. “The entire thing felt so off but there was so much adrenaline pumping through me and I couldn’t stop the mission just because of a bad gut feeling. So we fought and… well you know the rest.”

“Is your partner…?”

“He’s alive, yes.” Donghyuck looks down at his hands, curling and uncurling his knuckles. “But, uh — well the Kaiju fucked up his spine and paralyzed him from the waist down. The surgeons at the Shatterdome almost had to amputate the leg that the claw went through but they were able to fix it up, thankfully.” He hears his own voice echo against the walls of his brain. He sounds so small.

“Damn that’s — I’m really sorry Donghyuck.” Mark runs a hand through his hair, a deep sigh escaping him. 

Donghyuck tries to wave him off but the tear that slowly down his cheek gives him away. “That was two months ago. He’s better now but I just—” His voice falters. His hand comes up to wipe at the single tear. “Every time I see him in that wheelchair it’s really hard, you know?” He gets the feeling Mark’s never experienced anything like that, but with how much genuine remorse Mark shows, Donghyuck can’t say for sure. He figures it doesn’t matter. 

“Yeah, I get it.” Donghyuck whips his head up. “That memory from the Drift with—” He takes a deep breath. “— with the girl?”

The scene rushes back to Donghyuck. Mark’s memory had been much more brief than Donghyuck’s; he hadn’t chased the rabbit. Mark is looking up at him, waiting for a response. Donghyuck nods. 

“That was my sister — Daphne.” Another breath, shakier this time. “Our parents were killed at the beginning of the Kaiju war, we were both so young and heartbroken, but we took our grief and ran with it. We became rangers when I turned eighteen — we were eligible sooner but she refused to let me pilot when I was still underage.” He chokes on a laugh, the sound sweet and sour all at once. 

“It was the first-ever category four. It was vicious and we were so unprepared for it completely. Our Jaeger had just been through some updates and adjustments and it felt like we were piloting for the first time again. Long story short it took a huge chunk of our circuit system out and cut off the engines in the legs. We were sitting ducks out there. Kaijus back then would have left us and tried to head towards the continent, but this one was different. He watched us for a while, circled the Jaeger a few times, and then when another one of our systems died he attacked.” His eyes are unfocused and hazy. “First he cut the left arm clean off and then he bit my sister’s side of the Conn-Pod.” 

The two of them stay silent for a while, neither of them sure where they’re supposed to go from there. Mark straightens up first, his eyes coming to meet Donghyuck’s. He’s not sure what emotion resides behind Mark’s eyes. 

He coughs. “And I… Well, I’ve been here ever since.” He seems uncomfortable and Donghyuck finds himself hoping he isn’t the cause of it. “Johnny kept pushing me to find a new Drift partner but I wasn’t sure. He put me in every compatibility test this Shatterdome has seen for the last couple of years but it just never worked out. Nobody had the heart to transfer me to another Shatterdome and I helped out my fair share around here so I got to keep my place. I helped train cadets and the few times we had new rangers I helped train them as well. When you transferred here Johnny said something like ‘I have a good feeling about this one.’” Mark looks at Donghyuck with a smile. “Guess he was right.”

Donghyuck looks down at his lap again, a similar smile on his lips. “Better not tell Johnny that; don’t want to give him an even bigger head.”

The other laughs at that. Silence falls upon them again, only this time it’s a little awkward. Their conversation hangs in the air, not quite finished, but neither of them know what else to say. Mark shoots a glance at him one last time before he slowly stands up from his chair, stretching his arms above his head with a light groan. “You drink tea?” 

Donghyuck’s eyes follow him to the kitchenette. “Yeah, sure.”

The silence dissipates as Mark brews the tea, the kettle whistling and echoing through the cabin. It feels like only the blink of an eye to Donghyuck.

“I only have lemon,” Mark says as he hands him a dark blue mug, steam swirling off the rim. “Hope that’s alright.” 

“Yeah, it’s actually my favorite.” Donghyuck smiles over the edge as the steeped lemon flavor invades his mouth and tickles his tongue with warmth. “Thank you.” 

Mark is still standing in front of him, his own mug held in one hand as three of his fingers lace through the small handle. He carefully sits down next to Donghyuck, the bed dipping beneath his weight. 

For once, Donghyuck thinks there’s hope. Of what? He isn’t sure. But the optimism settles between his ribs and nestles itself, whole and present, up against his heart.

Mark breaks the silence. “You know, I’m willing to try again if you are.” 

Donghyuck chokes on his tea. Mark looks up at him, concerned eyes shining through his messy bangs as Donghyuck splutters. 

“Donghyuck, hey, it’s okay if you don’t want to I just figured I’d tell you—”

“No.” Donghyuck regains himself quickly. “I want to try again too.” 

“Oh.” He feels hot under Mark’s gaze. “I — I’m glad.”

Everything feels too quiet and too much and it takes Donghyuck’s brain under like a feather in troubled water. 

He blinks, slow and languid, and by the time his eyelashes disappear over the top edge of his vision he’s face to face with Mark. There’s hardly a foot between them and the distance grows smaller every second. His eyes flicker up to Mark’s eyes only to realize he’s staring at Donghyuck’s lips. Donghyuck’s tongue comes to lick at the seam of his own lips unconsciously and his own gaze comes down to stare at Mark’s. 

They’re so close that Donghyuck can feel the small puffs of air from Mark’s nose against his chin; warm and soft and intoxicating. He feels entranced, his eyelids draped delicately so just a sliver of his vision is left, ready to slip closed the closer Mark comes.

A small breath leaves Donghyuck as Mark’s lips ghost his own, a feather-light connection of hot nerves and hidden desires bubbling up and spilling out across their skin, searing; leaving bright red marks across both of them in its wake.

Mark’s fingers brush gently against the skin of Donghyuck’s side from beneath his shirt and he gasps, lips brushing together once again at the chill of Mark’s fingers. 

“Wait — wait, Donghyuck,” Mark sounds breathless through Donghyuck’s ears, dull and almost faraway. Mark’s hand shifts to remind him of their position. “I don’t — maybe this isn’t the time.” Mark draws back slowly, and Donghyuck has half a mind to not chase after his lips; hungry for the feeling once more.

He swallows, thick and tight in his throat, and finally snaps out of it enough to give a shaky nod. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” He’s breathing heavy, shock and something else buzzing beneath his spine.

Silence seems to be a close friend of the two as it visits them all over again, this time heavier with the whisper of this new thing between them.

‘Attraction... Is that what this is?’

“It’s not — I just—” Mark sighs, a hand raking through his hair. “I’m sorry.”

Donghyuck stares at him, his brain lagging behind and lacking thought. “No it’s — it’s okay. We should just — we haven’t even successfully Drifted yet.”

Mark noticeably breathes out again. “Right.” 

It’s awkward — terribly so — and Donghyuck can feel the tension looming over the both of them. 

That is, until they both burst out into small fits of laughter. It fills the room and smothers any clouds of negative emotions that lingered. Donghyuck’s lungs shake with his laughs and Mark’s do the same.

Their foreheads bump together and Mark looks at him with so much adoration and pure, unadultered, fondness. His heart sings with warmth, and if it skips a singular, elongated, beat, then he chooses to ignore it. 

Because this — right now — is good. And with how much shit he gets dealt every day, he decides to take this one moment and hold it so firmly between his fingers that it has no chance to escape. 

Mark and him together — in any form — is something he’s beginning to grow fond of, and something he’ll protect with his life. 

No matter where they are now or wherever they may end up, he’s sure that it’s something worth fighting for.

—:-:—:-:—:-:—

Six months later.

“ROCKY BERMUDA TO LOCCENT.”

A groan sounds out from beside Donghyuck.

“Come on, Markie, those Kaijus aren’t gonna kill themselves!”

Another groan, “Why can’t Yeji and Ryujin take this one?” 

Donghyuck rolls his eyes as he’s rushing to get his leg into his uniform pants. “Because it’s probably a cat five, idiot.”

When Mark finally decided to sit up his head is met with the underside of the top bunk. A third groan follows the collision.

Donghyuck snorts. “Nice one, Lee.” Mark swings his legs over the edge of the bed and rubs at his eyes. “Are you done moaning and groaning now? We kind of have a job to do.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” By the time Donghyuck is done buttoning his pants Mark is already slipping into his overshirt. “We both know I get ready the fastest anyway.” 

He rolls his eyes again, this time with a fond smile on his face. Mark is standing next to him in a second, his eyebrows raised as he slips into his final layer: a custom Rocky Bermuda jacket.

Donghyuck’s matching one sits firm and comfortably heavy on his own shoulders. “You ready?”

Mark grabs his hand, a chaste kiss pressed onto the back. “Ready.”

Their shared cabin door is pushed open to reveal a bustling hallway. 

“Good luck today, Rangers!”

“Heard it’s a cat five! Go knock ‘em dead!”

“Good luck!” 

“Come back in one piece!”

The cheers and wishes fill their ears in an instant, but they have no time to stay back and greet everyone. Donghyuck’s feet fall into rhythm with Mark’s as they make their way to LOCCENT.

This time, the overwhelming amount of noise that greets them is slightly more chaotic. Jungwoo is running around between monitors, typing faster than Donghyuck’s eyes can keep up with. 

“Oh! Donghyuck, Mark, hi. Johnny should be here any minute. Though from the looks of it you might want to start getting ready and we can brief you in the Conn-Pod. Our watch guy was a little late on the call in today — no, no, no! This is all wrong you need this feed here, vitals there—” Donghyuck chuckles to himself at Jungwoo’s antics before he steers Mark and himself out the door and towards the bridge to the Conn-Pod.

Like wounded fish in shark-infested waters they're surrounded by assistants who help to piece together their armor suits. By now, this is a regular routine for Donghyuck.

The last few months have been nothing but a long, winding, adventure for him. From him and Mark successfully Drifting for the first time, to their first Kaiju takedown together, all of it a pleasant blur that plays out over his eyes.

A final drill sounds from behind him and a pat to his shoulder lets him know that they’re done; suited up and ready to go. He vaguely registers a familiar face among the workers, a wink being sent his way — Sarah. It makes everything seem so full circle it leaves Donghyuck’s heart thumping fondly. 

His eyes search for Mark’s and he’s met with a sweet smile. Mark jerks his head to the side and starts walking towards the Conn-Pod. Donghyuck, with a shake of his head, hurries after him.

Rocky Bermuda’s Conn-Pod has become something of a second home to Donghyuck. Its thick steel walls and echoing nothingness a small comfort to him in the weirdest of ways. Mark glances back at him, the same, familiar smile adorning his features; another small comfort Donghyuck has grown used to in his everyday life. It makes his heartbeat all fuzzy and warm thinking about just how far he’s come in such a short amount of time. 

The entire process is second nature to him by now: get in the rig, check controls, signal for drop, get ready to Drift. All of it is over in a blurry second, the procedure a regular in his day-to-day routine. Mark’s beside him the entire time, the same way he has been for the past few months, his warmth filling the Conn-Pod even from several feet away. 

“Rocky Bermuda ready for Drift on your go.”

“Ready.”

Donghyuck casts a sideways glance at Mark. “Ready for Drift.”

Jungwoos voice sounds out through the comms, “Initiating Drift in five—”

“Hey,” It’s Mark. “You okay?”

“—four, three—”

Donghyuck smiles at him through his helmet. “With you by my side? Of course.”

“—two, one, Drift sequence initiated.”

“Mark Lee meet Lee Jeno, the lamest person I have ever known.” Jeno wheels himself up a ramp to greet Mark, Donghyuck at his side. 

“Hey! I didn’t fly my crippled ass all the way out here just for you to make fun of me.”

“It’s nice to meet you Jeno. And don’t worry, he’s only said good things about you. Even cries with how much he misses you sometimes.”

“Mark! I told you not to tell him that!” They all laugh. 

“Are you — you’re sure about this?” 

Donghyuck takes a deep breath and gives a small laugh. “I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life.”

Their lips meet in a searing kiss, soft and bruising all at the same time. A little part of Donghyuck’s heart sighs in content. 

Excited screams fill the Shatterdome. 

“Drift successful.”

Donghyuck wishes he could disengage from his rig and envelop Mark in a tight hug. 

“We did it.” He’s still shocked. 

Mark just smirks at him. “Of course we did.”

The scene of the Conn-Pod rushes back to him. 

“Neural handshake strong and holding. Checking vitals—”

“I still can’t believe you told Jeno that I missed him.” 

“I figured it was about time you got a taste of your own medicine.” 

“If I could punch you right now I would.” They laugh in unison, all bark and no bite behind Donghyuck’s words. Their banter has become one of his favorite things. 

“—vitals are normal and reading. Rocky Bermuda ready for deployment.”

“We’ve got a category five today Lee… think you can handle that?” Donghyuck asks, a playful look on his face.

“Just another day in the office.”

A Kaiju is out there, waiting to try and kill them, but with Mark Lee at his side, Donghyuck can only hope for the best. The ocean skyline greets them through Rocky Bermuda’s eyes.

Somehow, even as they’re lifted from the Shatterdome platform and dangled over the Pacific Ocean, the smell of fish strong against his nostrils and the winter chill deep in his bones, Donghyuck knows everything will be alright.