Work Text:
"I have to tell you something."
Sunny walks into the room weakly as he begins crying. Soon enough he’s kneeling on the floor, and his friends are running towards him. He wants to keep crying. He wants to quietly cry while being cared for by his friends. But he knows they don’t deserve it. And he knows he doesn’t deserve it. So he starts talking.
The talk is grueling, but Sunny goes on. He can barely look forwards as he talks, standing and slowly backing up into the wall. When he reaches it, he hesitates, jumping in place and finally looking up. The only one he can bear to look in the face is Basil, who wears a terrified scoul, but manages an encouraging half-smile as soon as he notices he’s being looked at. Somehow Basil still tries to be supportive. It only makes Sunny feel worse. Basil didn’t deserve what he was being put through.
The story is finally over. Sunny finally looks up. His friends, if he can even call them that anymore, are staring at him with shadowed faces. Almost as if the lights themselves decided to give Sunny a moment to revel in his own stupidity. The room was quiet for a moment.
And then many things happened, all at once.
Sometimes, people feel like they’ve “run out.” After a long day at work, after a long talk with a friend, after a long lecture from a parent, after a long fight with a loved one. People can feel spent. Feel like they’ve run out of energy, of care, of patience. Of emotion.
Sunny had never seen anything like it.
Until today.
Kel was always trying to be happy . He felt like he needed to. He couldn’t let sadness or anger distract him from what was important. Supporting his friends and making new ones. Making sure his brother was stable enough, strong enough, to fulfil his dreams and move on with his life. Making sure his little sister would have the best childhood possible.
He didn’t have time to take care of his own feelings when everyone else’s were so much more important. Kel was often told Mari’s death had affected him the least. All that time ago, when he was still grieving her, it was difficult to understand. How could anyone else’s heart be more full of pain than his? Than his friends’? They had just lost their most beloved person.
But then he saw Sunny stop going to school. Then he saw Aubrey slowly refuse to interact with him, becoming a delinquent. Then he saw Basil turn into more and more of a nervous wreck. Then he saw how Hero shut down for an entire year, culminating into a monologue and a few punches he would never forget.
He saw how the others were reacting and started to understand. His own feelings didn’t matter. They couldn’t matter. How would they matter if even someone like Hero, someone with his entire life in order, someone who seemed so much more ready for a situation like this, broke down so utterly and completely?
So he decided to put those feelings away. He decided to move on with his life, and support his friends as much as he could. And he wouldn’t ask anything in return. He was so fortunate to be so happy. He had to share that happiness. He was required to. And he agreed! Why wouldn’t he? He had so much to give!
So when Sunny started explaining, Kel didn’t react negatively. He couldn’t. He had decided to support Sunny to the end, and that’s what he was going to do. He was happy to hear about the accident. Of course it wasn’t a good thing, but it was only an accident. Sunny hadn’t actually...
He was ecstatic to hear about Basil being there and helping Sunny. They could carry the burden together, support each other, make sure they exerted every possibility before…
He was close to manic when he heard of Basil’s plan. So Mari didn’t kill herself after all! What a relief! No more misunderstandings, no more lies, no more guilt. It was only the panicked reactions of a couple of 12-year-olds. They couldn’t have done anything…
But in the middle of that thought, something in Kel broke. He felt his positivity drain away from him. He didn’t feel glad. He didn’t feel happy . Because he couldn’t.
Kel’s happiness had run out .
And then, finally, Kel allowed his other feelings to come through.
Kel was upset .
But, unlike most times, his feelings didn’t come out in a burst. They came out in quiet protest. Kel simply stood up from the chair arm, and walked out of the door. He had nothing to say to Sunny or to Basil, or to any of the others. He stopped to look around the room from the door, and then left.
Aubrey was very often angry . It wasn’t like she intended to be unpleasant, it was just her default. When she didn’t know exactly how to feel, being angry worked. When being happy was too hard and being sad was an inconvenience, her anger was what she fell back to.
It’s not like she enjoyed it. She just didn’t know how to be any other way. She grew up with Kel always on her back bothering and making fun of her, so being angry was just a result of that. Eventually, she was just always angry, even when nothing was happening to her. It was tiring.
But she had to do it. By now, it was the only thing that kept her safe.
After Mari died, she was in a rut. She felt abandoned. Now she knows that everyone was going through their own grief, but back then it felt like they had decided to leave her. She spent many of those days crying in her room, hoping someone might show up. But she knew they wouldn’t. They had never even entered her house before.
Aubrey’s dad leaving didn’t help. It hurts thinking about the details, even now. Her mother was suffering, trying to support a man who didn’t love her. And, eventually, after much abuse, he left. Aubrey blocked out a lot of the memories of their more negative interactions, but she very clearly remembers being happy when her mom gave her the news. And feeling guilty from that happiness.
How could she feel happy about losing her dad? What was wrong with her? He always told Aubrey he was doing the best for her. Did she think he was lying? Why did it hurt so much more to lose Mari than to lose her dad?
It was unfair. It was just unjust. No one was feeling bad for Mari. Sunny barely left his room now, all cozy at home being pampered by his mother. Kel was making new friends and going to school like nothing ever happened. Hero was going to college to get a medical degree, like a prep kid. And Basil had ruined all their memories with his disgusting marker.
She had no reason to be happy anymore. She had no reason to be sad anymore. All she could do now was be angry. They abandoned her, left her to rot at a broken home while choosing to forget their most important people.
Her most important person.
So, yes, Aubrey felt angry when Sunny started his story. She almost shouted over it multiple times when he described their carrying of Mari’s body to her bed.
She became enraged when they talked about how Basil was there, and didn’t help in any sensible way. So he knew this entire time? He knew and he didn’t tell them? The way Sunny talked, it was almost like they thought something supernatural was happening. They were 12! Not 6! Supernatural things don’t happen in reality! Is that hard to understand?!
She became furious when Basil’s plan was described. What. What??? She actually almost stood to hit the two of them. How could they possibly do this? Mari’s brother and his best friend, faked her suicide? What the fuck? She glared at Sunny the worst she could, but she recognized she couldn’t hit him. Not now. Not in the hospital. Not without her bat.
And then, while taking the first step forwards, she felt her legs weaken. She started crumbling, falling onto the side of Basil’s bed, tears in her eyes. She didn’t feel mad. She didn’t feel angry . Because she couldn’t.
Aubrey’s anger had run out .
And then, finally, Aubrey allowed his other feelings to come through.
Aubrey was melancholic .
For possibly the first time in years, she didn’t have any anger in her. She didn’t want to hurt Sunny or Basil. She had no need for her bat. She was just sad. And happy. Sad and happy. What a concept.
As she tried putting her thoughts in order, Aubrey felt something. Basil put his hand over hers. A sign she was not alone. A sign she could feel without fear. As soon as she looked up at him, the torrent started.
Aubrey would have to go through her grief of Mari all over again. She knew she would. But this time, she had people with her. People who would support her no matter what. People who, in the end, were hurting as much as her. And because of that, she found herself happy. She knew this was a terrible thing, but she also knew they would all go through it together.
But these thoughts were short-lived, as they stopped when she heard a very distinct shout.
Hero was tired of being sad . He had been sad for so much of his life, and it was always so useless. And yet he always found himself going back to his sadness. By now, he could barely even feel it. Feeling sad was as normal as taking a shower: something he did every day, just another part of his routine.
When Mari left them, he went into a slump. He would rather not admit it now, but back then it was the only thing he could do. Everything felt so hopeless, even though in the back of his mind he knew just staying inside wouldn’t make things better.
But Mari was his most trusted person. His stone. And the stone of the rest of the group as well, he knew that much. Nothing would be the same without her, and he couldn’t bring himself to even come close to pretending it would. He could only stay and wait. It wouldn’t make anything better but it wouldn’t exasturbate it either. The others would be fine without him. Kel seemed to be getting better, anyways.
But it culminated in his most shameful moment.
Kel, his brother, one of the most important people in the world to him, with Hero’s own shadow looming over him. Screams and shouts neither he or Kel had ever talked about since then. Now Hero realizes he was just bottling his feelings that entire time, and this was the result. Pain. Abuse. His brother went through something he would never put on anyone. Himself.
And every time Hero thinks about it, he becomes more horrified at the thought. Not just because of what he made Kel go through. But because he liked it . It felt good to finally get his emotions out after a year of bottling. It felt good to see Kel’s face mirror the way he was feeling inside. Full of sorrow and pain and regret. How dare he go on with his life when my Mari died!
Hero rejected the thought now. He decided he would keep himself healthy. Sane. Safe. His parents talked to him, and he talked to Kel. He allowed himself to feel sad for Mari whenever he thought of her. It didn’t feel good, but it was good. In the long run.
But today Sunny went too far.
Hero allowed himself to feel sad when Sunny started his story, but he didn’t think too much of it. Sunny couldn’t say anything Hero didn’t already know.
He became depressed as the story continued. He didn’t know this part. Is this truly how Mari died? This horrifying result of a meaningless fight? This terrible, solution-less situation?
He became miserable by the end. He started to imagine what Kel would have done in this situation. But his brain refused to even consider Kel doing something like this. He started to imagine how Mari would have felt hearing this story. But he decided it was useless.
Mari was dead. Mari was dead and it was Sunny’s fault. Hero and his brother grieved the wrong way, fought the wrong fight, for meaningless lies.
So he allowed himself to stop the feeling that made him tired. He didn’t feel sorrowful. He didn’t feel sad . Because he couldn’t.
Hero’s sadness had run out .
And then, finally, Hero allowed his other feelings to come through.
Hero was violent .
Hero saw Aubrey fall onto Basil’s bedside, and Kel get out of the room. He then stood up, and went over to Sunny. And started shouting.
Hero shouted the worst obscenities at Sunny. Stuff he didn’t even know he had in him. Horrifying, terrible words he would never wish on anyone. The same words he shouted at Kel that one night 3 years ago.
And it felt good. It felt good to get it out after Sunny’s absurd story. It felt good to see Sunny shrink more and more as Hero’s words seemed to pierce through him. It felt good to look around and see Aubrey, the supposed strongest one in their group, look at him in fear.
By the time Hero finished, Sunny was laying on the ground in a fetal position. Crying. Alone. As he should be. Hospital staff came over shortly, asking him and Aubrey to leave. He complied without issue. The last thing he wanted was to keep looking at these two’s faces. He saw Aubrey give Basil a hug and lift Sunny off the ground. And Hero only saw her as weak for doing so.
Sunny watched as Hero and Aubrey left. Overall, not a bad response. He expected all 3 of them to react just as Hero did, but Aubrey seemed maybe even kind to him.
Then he turned to see Basil, giving him a small soft smile. No matter what happened after this, that part of their lives was over. No more secrets to deal with.
Basil smiled back.
Sunny saw somethings disappearing behind each of them.