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Life, in his point of view, was a series of unpredictable, spontaneous changes. It was up to the strength of your character how one chose to deal with them. No matter how much people like Junshang wanted to resist it and live forever in the moments with his beloved consort, time passed and things, as always, changed. Mobei-Jun was not a stranger to these truths. They were as much a part of his history as pain, loneliness, and betrayal. He could survive the punches of Life, the humiliations and trials that it threw his way. He grew to know that resistance only created sorrow.
But even knowing so, unrest stirred deep in his heart at the sight of the present.
He had come to Cang Qiong to deliver his... Liege back into the loving arms of his consort, bore witness to their... reunion, and then left after being unceremoniously dismissed. He didn't mind it. He was thankful to slink back into the shadows and walk them towards his own point of interest.
It was an old beaten path now, the way to An Ding. He had come and gone from these familiar roads more times than he could count. It was, ironically, almost as known to him as the paths of the Northern Desert. His feet couldn’t lead him astray even if they tried. They gave him time to think, reflect and act. Especially on days like today, when his mind was buzzing with strange, unfounded conflict.
Every time he came back to this particular mountain, it was with new eyes and new colors. This Sect would always be an enemy of sorts to him, but An Ding had become something else. Something different, separate. Something new and also old, familiar. What was once chaos and noise, was order and home. And so, he took his time. On days such as these, the journey was equally important to the destination.
People saw him differently now than before too. They had all been once so stupid; so weak and cruel, typical of all human beings, to his young eyes. And to them, he was once a menace, a boogeyman, a threat. His very nature was abhorrent to their fragile sensibilities. Yet today, as he crossed the great threshold at the edge of dusk, he was greeted respectfully with a bow by one of the An Ding watchers, and a disciple rushed to be his guide to the Master of the Mountain.
He couldn't remember when the change happened. When these children stopped being afraid of him, or when he stopped seeing them as nuisances. When their voices became a calm balm to his heightened senses. When they looked at him as a good instead of a bad. He couldn't remember the day but surely all of them had the same reason.
The same reason why all changes in his life happened. The one thing that kept coming back to him, again and again; never leaving, bringing new colors and perspective to his jaded heart:
Shang Qinghua.
He shouldn't be happy with these changes. He was the King of the Northern Desert and such a title, an honor, kismet, held its expectations high. There was no room in a Mobei-Jun for the silent approval of this young human child informing him of his Shizun's well-being (albeit under the mountain of work from his sect, the respect or lack thereof from his martial siblings, and the new projects his Shizun was working on). There was no place in a Mobei-Jun for that itch, that yearning that drove his steps ever closer to that familiar Leisure House. Nor could a Mobei-Jun's heart speed so quickly at the thought of just the sight of his human. He shouldn't be happy, he shouldn't be glad or warm at these thoughts; at this present. He should be ashamed. He should be...
But he was not.
Because Shang Qinghua was no longer just a mere human, a servant, or a spy. It wasn't that he had changed outwardly in any particular way but somewhere, somehow, something-- something about him made Mobei-Jun feel... Aching.
It made no logical sense! He was still Shang Qinghua; still small and cowardly, still comely and soft; still cunning and foolish. In their world, there were hundreds of beauties; fierce warriors and wise scholars. And yet, compared to his human, they were all... empty. They were nothing. Qinghua was more beautiful, fiercer, and smarter than them. More important to his King than all of the others together. Ever since he had awoken in that shabby little inn, so many years ago. Since he had first called him king, since he had vowed to serve, follow Mobei-Jun for the rest of his life. Since he had killed for his human and Qinghua had killed for him. Since they had become the ones that listened to when the other complained, or when Qinghua boasted and flattered him, or even sometimes when he had nothing to say at all. Shang Qinghua was his.
But also... Not.
Not all of him.
That absence ached inside of his icy heart, like a wound that refused to heal right. It was such an absurd feeling that hurt like no other, an emotion that stung most of all when looked at directly. He could have Qinghua at any moment he wanted to. Mobei-Jun could appear at any moment and the human wouldn't refuse him. He could spirit the human away to the North and never return him. He knew he could. He had the power. And some days, he felt like the Peak Lord would let him.
So why did it feel impossible to reach for it all? To mourn things that never were? To break under the desire of what could be? And regret over an action not taken? Why did he wallow in dissatisfaction with the world’s current existence when he could? All these half-tones muddled into a painful landscape in his heart, paused only by the spike of terror of one great memory. The memory of Qinghua's back as he left him, almost for good.
His heart froze and raced at the mere thought of it. No. No--
The disciple left him at the door of the Leisure House and Mobei-Jun couldn't muster up the words to thank or even dismiss him. He needed to see Shang Qinghua. He needed to see him, feel him, scent him; sink into him until that intruding thought went away.
The demon king stalked his way towards the study, the place where one could always find An Ding's Immortal Master. Those idiots that Qinghua called a martial family still drove him like a slave, making him do the work that they neglected to do. His human was always tired and pained from carrying his whole sect on his back. But he always had energy for Mobei-Jun. No matter how much they mistreated him or upset him, Shang Qinghua always hurried to receive him with a smile. He needed that smile. He needed--
But the study was empty. The shock of that simple fact stopped the demon dead in his tracks. There was no light, no warmth to greet him as he prowled for clues. The inkstone was dry and the papers and brushes his human preferred had been haphazardly abandoned. Mobei-Jun traced an inkblot and felt his pulse quicken against his wishes. Where was Qinghua? Why had the disciple brought him here when his Master was away? Had something happened?
Furrowing his brow, Mobei-Jun continued his search. Shang Qinghua wasn't in his room, dead to the world from exhaustion. He wasn't in his kitchen, making quick, small meals in between tasks. He wasn't in his unused sitting room ("Who would ever want to visit me, my king?" The Peak Lord asked instead of answering, ignoring the fact that he was being visited by the demon prince). Where in the seven hells was he?!
He was about to tear the Leisure House, the mountain, the whole infernal sect piece by bloody piece when he heard it. Singing. Well, not quite singing. A humming that was interrupted by bouts of words gently sung in the distance. He listened wide-eyed, stupid. Enraptured by that voice in the dim light of twilight. If honey was a sound, that voice-- Shang Qinghua's singing voice was it.
Following that sweet sound, the demon king moved outside once more, to the small peace garden that was kept more by inner disciples than their Peak Lord. He was there. Shang Qinghua was right there. Mobei-Jun felt the breath he had been unconsciously holding finally escape his lips. He was right there, safe and sound. The ice demon could close the distance between them, hold him tight, breathe him in; have him, his eyes, his smile, all to himself. At last.
Shang Qinghua had yet to perceive him. Like a fairy, he was busy chasing the last rays of light, swaying back and forth in the gentlest of dances as he sang.
What good was the mightiest of warriors? What worth was there in sages? How could any beauty compare to this? To him?
Shang Qinghua didn't have jade skin or sharp, phoenix eyes. He didn't need them. When this Mobei-Jun heard the term 'Peerless Beauty', he did not think of beings such as Sha Hualing or Consort Shen. How could he, when none of them could compare to his sweet and cunning cultivator? Who would desire their hard forms when presented with such an irresistible plump, warm, delicious body? How could their fiery tempers or cold faces compare to that kindly, sunny smile? His was the best man in the world.
The Peak Lord slowly turned in his dance, looking down at... something in his arms as he sang. Mobei-Jun didn't quite understand. That wasn't out of the ordinary, of course. Shang Qinghua often spoke in languages Mobei-Jun didn't understand; languages from his long-destroyed village. The Northern King had never begrudged him his heritage, however, now more than ever did he wish to understand those elusive words; the tender song that escaped his lips. What was it about? Why did Shang Qinghua smile like that as he sang it? What story did it tell? Why did it make him ache even more?
The turn revealed a small bundle cradled in the human's careful arms. Two tiny arms and hands reached out from the swaddle of soft blankets, reaching out and touching the Peak Lord's neck and chin as they swayed. Shang Qinghua tenderly brushed his fingers along the soft skin of those tiny arms to the curve of the baby's cheek, which he pinched lightly before breaking into a wider smile; pulling the child towards him and nuzzling that plump face.
Mobei-Jun had suffered almost all the pains one could feel during their life. He had been stabbed, poisoned, crushed, and mauled. He had been burned, suffocated, impaled, and drowned. His bones had been broken a thousand times. Yet he had never felt so wounded and winded as he did now, watching Shang Qinghua tickle one little rosebud mouth with his fingertip and then soundlessly chuckling when one of those small hands flailed and ten tiny perfect fingers caught him mid-act. It felt like a punch to the gut from the person you loved the most; horrible and wonderful. The pain a pleasure in itself.
He wanted to feel it every second of every day...
Qinghua was made for this, for this role. Even if he tried to deny it, to say he didn't-- a blind man could see it and for Mobei-Jun, planted in place, half in light, half in shadow; so close and yet so painfully, painfully far, it was more than clear. In the tenderness of him, his care, his enraptured gaze... Mobei-Jun wonders for the briefest of moments if he would be this kind to demon children and the second the thought crossed his mind, he knew the answer. Of course, Shang Qinghua would. He would fuss and fret and complain his king's ears off but he would adore them all the same. And they would love him just as fiercely. Shang Qinghua was made to be the center of a loving family.
The ache that had been plaguing him all day suddenly took deep root in the recesses of his heart, squeezing it until it was renamed as a renewed need. Its hold was so strong, the demon king could barely breathe. Mobei-Jun sharply inhaled and the sound broke the perfect bubble Qinghua and the baby shared in the twilight.
Not that it seemed to stay twilight for long. Not to Mobei-Jun, at least. The moment the Peak Lord found him, his face lit up and it was like dawn was breaking. "My king...!" Qinghua called out, warm and pleased. Happy. Qinghua was happy. Happy. He was happy to see Mobei-Jun. "You're here...!"
Still choking on that need, the King of the Northern Desert couldn't find the words to speak. So just said: "Mn." While nodding.
It seemed to be enough for the cultivator, though. Shang Qinghua hurried to his side, blindingly bright and beautiful as the veil of night began to cover them. "You should have told me you were coming." The Peak Lord admonished through his smile. "I would've called for dinner so we could--" He looked back at the dark Leisure House. "Fuck, I really lost track of time." He cursed but then paled, looking down at the sleepy baby. "Don't tell your a-Niang that I said that, ok? That was a very bad word that you should never use, not even when you're as old as this master, ok?"
The baby merely huffed, nuzzling into the chest of its elder.
"Cool. No take backsies." Qinghua replied, hugging the baby tighter. "My king, let's go inside, yes? Xiao Qian shouldn't take the night air and--!" He interrupted himself again. "Oh, where are my manners? I haven't even introduced the two of you." He shook his head as he herded the taller demon back into the house, running his hand across the walls and igniting the lighting talismans carved into them. "Forgive this foolish one, my king. So rude, so rude! So much has happened and I'm a little scatterbrained today."
Again, no words. So, he dismissed the human's nonsense with a simple: "Mn."
"Very generous and merciful, my king. Thank you, thank you" Shang Qinghua half bowed, chuckling self-consciously to himself. "My disciple, Pei Hing-- do you remember him, my king? He was such a good student! Took to the abacus like a fish to water. And so talented with the guqin! I swear, if he had been taken by Qing Jing or Qiong Ding everyone would've already heard of his name and..." Mobei-Jun didn't remember the disciple. Shang Qinghua had too many of them for the demon king to remember all of them by name. But he nodded dutifully because Qinghua was so proud of his disciple and his accomplishments to dampen his enthusiasm. "So, anyway, the academic exchange program with Zhao Hua Temple demanded at least one disciple from each peak and you know I couldn't let him just waste his days here. And what did that rascal do? He got himself not a girlfriend but a wife! I sent him to study and he returns to me married and with a child no less! The audacity, my king!"
"Mn."
"Right?!" But even as he complained, he hugged the baby closer. "He's so lucky that Xiao Qian is this cute or I would've never have let him back on the mountain. Why am I cursed with such unfilial disciples, my king? So unfair, isn't that right, Qianqian? You won't be like that, will you?" The Peak Lord began to coo as the sleepy baby chirped and huffed. It was too... adorable to bear.
"... Where are the parents?" He asked, trying what he could to save the fragments of his black heart.
"They're here. I mean, they're back on the mountain. Pei Hing brought his bride to meet me, of course. She's lovely! And unlike her wayward husband, she asked my permission! To be welcomed to the family—I mean, to An Ding and to live on the mountain. So smart, so kind and respectful. Remember to be like mama." He said to the baby before turning back to Mobei-Jun. "Anyway, since I gave them my permission and blessing, the disciples of his generation are throwing a sort of house warming party for the newlyweds. And you know how those go." Mobei-Jun did not. But he nodded again. "So, I offered to babysit Qianqian for the night while those crazy kids party their last free night out."
"...Mn."
"So yeah...!" Shang Qinghua gave him a crooked, satisfied little grin that did more things to his heart. "So, this is Pei Qian, my King. The new addition to An Ding. Isn't she just precious?" He finally made the introduction, showing the sleepy child to the demon without any sort of hesitation. "Qianqian? This is Mobei-Jun." The Peak Lord whispered towards the infant. "He may look scary-- and he can be scary sometimes, but he won't ever be to you. Ok?"
The child partially opened her dark, drowsy eyes and sighed as if acquiescing. It made Qinghua clutch her tighter and nuzzle the downy black hair on the top of her head to muffle an unholy sound stuck at the base of his throat. "...Too cute."
Indeed. "Mn." Mobei-Jun agreed. They made a very cute picture.
"My King's taste is impeccable as always." The cultivator praised as he adjusted the child back in his arms. "Ah, my King, do you ever... feel the weight of the years?" He asked as Xiao Qian closed her eyes, appreciative of the new position against the Peak Lord's breast.
"...What do you mean?" The ice demon asked, following the pair like a shadow to Qinghua's room.
"I never..." The human's pause hung over them for a moment that felt longer than it should. "I think... I think I've always liked children. Yeah. Even the idea of having children. Even back then..." The last part didn't seem meant for the ice king. "But there was never-- never a right time, I suppose." He chuckled, slight and ruefully. "Well, first of all, there never seemed to be anyone to have children with. Not that I blame anyone. Like, who in their right mind would choose m--"
"Shang Qinghua." Came as a warning. He would not be insulted like this.
"Forgive me, my king. You know how it goes? I think in tangents" The human bowed his head with his apology. "What I meant is that... There was never a person or time to begin to think of having children. Then I became Peak Lord and-- well, everyone sorta became my kid. I'm responsible for them, right? To make sure they all have a roof over their head and enough to eat? Make sure they learn and can fend for themselves." Shang Qinghua's shoulders sagged a bit. "And now the years have gone and one of my kids has a kid. I'm like a grandpa. And I sorta... I kinda wanted to-- I mean, would it be so bad if I started thinking about it?"
"You mean..." He didn't sound eager. He hoped he didn't sound eager. "Having children?"
"Yeah... I guess." Qinghua shrugged, swaying when the baby threatened to fuss.
That ache screamed bloody murder inside. He felt it, twisting and turning like a caged beast in the pit of his stomach, making him tense to hold it in place. "With whom?"
"I-- I don't know?" The cultivator huffed an awkward laugh. "Maybe-- Maybe with no one?" He offered, looking up towards the demon king briefly. "I don't mind adopting. That's basically what the Sect does every year and..." He sighed. "I know I'm not the most attractive prospect, so I know better to expect any offers of marriage..." His expression illustrated how absurd he found the idea of being proposed to in his supposed dotage. "But that doesn't mean I wanna accept just anyone, you know?" He quickly added with sudden conviction. "This is a family we're talking about. It'd have to be... right, you know?" Qinghua softened a bit, cuddling the bundle in his arms.
His human had once told him about the trials of immortality. The tribulations and tests from the heavens and how one false step was enough to destroy you. Was this what they felt like? "...What would be right for you?" Mobei-Jun asked, choosing his words carefully.
"Oh... Well, someone who, at least, liked me? At least a little bit. I don't want someone to be with me and the kids because they feel obliged." The Peak Lord said, his expression souring a bit. "It's important to have love, I think. Or at least, care. For everyone." He nodded slightly. "Someone that would want to have a family." That was a given. "Someone strong. I mean, I know myself." He turned as if to show the disaster he was working with. "I can try but it would be nice to have someone strong to help protect the kids?" Mobei-Jun agreed. He would kill anyone that ever touched their child. "Someone kind." He paused, the corners of his lips slowly curving upwards at the nice thought. "Definitely kind. Kids deserve someone kind. And patient." Honey-colored eyes met sharp blue ones. "They're just learning, you know? Kids need time and patience." Every word till this point had been an arrow to the chest, agitating the beast inside. He couldn't ache more and yet, he did. Shang Qinghua snapped his fingers, as if remembering something. "Oh! And someone that wouldn't dump all the rearing responsibilities on me and just-- go away, you know? Family sticks together..." As soon as Shang Qinghua said it, his expression changed. He was suddenly very open, vulnerable... raw.
Mobei-Jun had never felt closer to him and, at the same time, so distant. ‘Family sticks together’ was such a foreign, strange concept that he wanted a long time ago. Gods, he had wanted more than anything. He hadn't known Qinghua felt the same. If he could just reach out and touch--
But the human shook his head, stepping back from the ice demon. "The more I speak about, the more a dream it seems. I'm so silly, forgive me, my King." He half bowed before closing the distance between them. "Here, please. Could you hold her while I get the bed ready for her to lie down? Thank you."
And like that, the Mobei-Jun, the Demon King of the Northern Desert, had his arms full of a fragile, warm human baby.
He froze.
The baby grumbled. Then frowned. Then huffed, letting out the softest, most upset exhale that the ice demon had ever heard. It scrunched its little face, almost as if to prepare for a cry, but Mobei-Jun didn't panic. He didn't. He merely raced to pull the infant towards his chest, securing its face to the soft edges of his furs all the while trying not to squeeze it too hard.
The child complained a bit, unused to the firmness of these new arms. He wasn't panicking. Absolutely not. Absurd. But he loosened and adjusted his grip. Was this right? Was this how you were supposed to hold them? The baby was clearly keen on communicating with him, albeit, in her own primitive, soft way. He couldn't focus on anything else but the child in his arms and as the demon king followed her signs and adapted for her comfort, Xiao Qian mellowed.
She smacked her rosy lips and sighed, half burying her small face against his dark furs. A sleepy gaze found Mobei-Jun's and the child cooed a kitten's smile at him. The beast inside of him was roaring. How could this little thing trust him so? Didn't she know he was a demon? Instinctively? He could eat two of her if he wanted and none of his folk would bat an eye. But no. Just like Shang Qinghua, the child trusted him wholeheartedly; comfortable and safe against the belly of the beast.
The baby huffed again, splaying a hand over Mobei-Jun's chest. He caught the tender thing. It could barely close around his index finger. She was so... small.
"You're pretty good at that, my king." Awoke the ice demon from his revelry. Around them, Qinghua had not only made a small nest on his bed to act as a crib for the child but also started a fire to warm up the room. The flames looked handsome enough, showing that they had been lit for a while. However, the Peak Lord hadn't moved or called out to him. Or had he? The demon king wouldn't admit it out loud but holding a baby was... distracting. "Have you held a lot of children before?"
Mobei-Jun frowned, confused by such a question. "No." When would he have the time? Who, if not Qinghua, would trust him like that?
"Hm." The Peak Lord didn't elaborate further, staring at him with an unreadable expression. No condemnation. No praise. Just an intense look that oddly made him want to preen.
The seconds stretched on in that strange, silent moment they shared like an enchantment. A spell broken only by a soft, cranky sound coming from the child. The Peak Lord blinked out of his daze, smiling apologetically as his quiet steps brought him closer to the baby and the demon. "Oh my king, wait just a moment." He asked in a hushed tone, his warm hands guiding the ice demon to the right position. "Lift her head. That's it. Perfect, my king. You're perfect."
"Mn."
Shag Qinghua began to sing again, humming a new foreign song. He didn't move his hands, keeping them on Mobei-Jun as he lulled the baby back to rest. Unconsciously, he began to sway with the song, taking the ice demon with him.
Mobei-Jun knew he wasn't perfect. He wasn't the perfect king or the perfect Mobei-Jun, for that matter. He wasn't a perfect demon or a perfect fighter. But he vowed he would be. In that small Leisure House in the human realm, he vowed to himself that he would be the perfect husband for his human. They would have a perfect marriage. He would be the perfect father to their children. And that their lives would be as perfect as this moment, forever.
"Let's put her to bed, yes?"
"Mn. Let's."