Archive of Our Own

Penelope could feel her eyes beginning to droop but the cramp in her left foot was keeping her from falling asleep. Only five more minutes in this pose and Benedict’s drawing class would be complete for the night.

Penelope had never expected that she would pose nude for a room full of strangers (plus one of her best friends), let alone enjoy it so much. Ben was in a jam before class one night, and she had filled in with a lot of trepidation. Her complete trust in Ben’s gentle, supportive nature was the only reason she had gone through with it.

She had never felt completely secure in her body, her mother’s incessant comments about her weight had seen to that. The whole “I’m not sleeping with Penelope!” moment with Colin hadn’t helped either.

Becoming a life model let her see herself in a new way. It honestly felt so peaceful and meditative to be in the studio, with nothing hiding her. She had control over the pose, over her set, over her body. During a session, she felt powerful and beautiful. She found the students wanted her approval of their work, as they were still learning and had their own insecurities. She also couldn’t deny the sensuality of being exposed in front of so many eyes. Penelope would never have described herself as sexy previously, but she couldn’t deny that when she posed, her body moved people.

And while she posed, she could let her thoughts wander and flow, unleashing her creativity for the volume of poetry she was working on or giving her a chance to simply daydream. Her first book had been well received in literary circles, but with the second one she felt stuck. Now she felt confident her work was revealing in new ways. She was even doing private sessions for Benedict while he worked on some of his own pieces.

Benedict called time on the end of the pose and dismissed the class. As the students packed up their work, Penelope put on her robe and began tidying her things.

“Thanks again Penelope. I’ll see you at the carriage house this weekend?” said Ben as he approached.

“Can’t wait,” Penelope grinned.

______

“Pen!”

Penelope had changed into her joggers and t-shirt and was heading to her car when she heard a deep voice that always sent a surge of feeling through her. Oh God. She couldn’t think of a more awkward situation than having to explain to Colin why she was here.

All of the Bridgertons were special to her, but Colin, he had her heart. And her body, she thought wryly, cursing herself again for the magnetic attraction she felt to him. With his firm body, green eyes, and hair that always looked like he had just been extremely wicked, Colin was incredibly attractive. But that wasn’t his only appeal. Ever since they had met, it seemed that she just understood him. Yes, he was charming, but it was his kindness and the way he could see others, what they needed, what they might be feeling that Penelope treasured. Looking in his green eyes awakened the best parts of Penelope and loving him made her understand herself better.

Despite their closeness, Penelope had determined long ago that Colin only saw her as a friend. She still felt white hot shame whenever she remembered overhearing him declare his lack of attraction to her when she was nineteen. That was why the last few years had been so confusing as she spent more time with Colin whenever he was home from traveling. Sometimes she would catch him staring at her body when he thought she wasn’t looking or touching her in small ways that weren’t strictly necessary. Hugs became a little bit longer and he moved closer when they sat beside each other. She wasn’t sure how to reconcile his previous words with his current actions.

So, while it had taken some getting used to being exposed in front of Benedict each week, the thought of Colin knowing about or imagining her in that situation felt too complicated.

“Colin! I didn’t know you were back yet for your sabbatical. What are you doing here?” Pen asked. He gave her a lingering hug in greeting with his chin resting on the top of her head.

“I could ask you the same question. My flight got in early. Ben and I are heading for a drink after his class. Want to join us?” asked Colin.

“Sorry, have to get home. Early meeting tomorrow. But I’ll see you soon?” she said nervously. Penelope had nothing on the calendar but wasn’t sure how she would avoid the topic of her work with Ben if she were to go with them.

After exchanging goodbyes, she promised herself that she would never let Colin find out about their arrangement. While her work was freeing, it was also her most delicious secret. She wanted to keep it to herself without her worries and wonderings about Colin spoiling it.
_____

Colin couldn’t put his finger on it, but something was different since he came home. Yes, his family was still chaotic, nosy, and completely lovable. And Penelope was…Penelope. They had known each other forever but in the last few years they had become closer. It felt so natural now to text her throughout the day about every random thought that came into his mind, to look forward to their reunions. It felt so natural to want to touch her and to dream about her and to - Colin pushed those thoughts away as he always had. It wasn’t time for that yet.

Penelope seemed more confident now. There was something knowing in her eyes. She held his gaze until he had to be the one to look away. It sent a surge of heat through him whenever he thought about it.

And something else was driving him crazy as well, Penelope’s new intimacy with Benedict. He thought about his homecoming a few days ago. He was so happy to see Pen that night, although surprised to see her outside the art institute. Pen had seemed flighty as she made her escape and Benedict had been frustratingly vague when he had asked why Pen was there.

Then there was the first sibling brunch when he came home. He had been seated next to Penelope, who was considered an honorary sibling, and was quite proud of himself for getting her to laugh so hard orange juice shot out of her nose. They talked and flirted throughout the meal. Everything had seemed perfect.

As they were getting up to leave, he saw Ben approach her and whisper “Is my beautiful muse ready to go?” Ben and Penelope left together with his hand on the small of her back, guiding her, although it wasn’t completely obvious to anyone else with all the commotion. He noticed that Benedict touched Pen more often now, and she seemed content with it. Colin loved that Penelope valued his family, but this made him squirm in a way he didn’t want to examine too closely.
_____

Now that they were finally alone, something that wasn’t as simple as it sounded with Eloise and now Benedict monopolizing Pen’s attention, he finally felt settled at home. They decided to have a picnic with all their favorite takeout. He demolished the whole spread quickly and now they were laying back on the blanket while they caught up.

Colin groaned. “I’m stuffed. I’ve missed this.”

“Am I hearing correctly? Colin Bridgerton is full?” Penelope giggled.

“Hush you, I’m relaxing. Entertain me. Share something you’ve written lately,” Colin requested while he lazily played with a blade of grass.

Nothing soothed him like hearing Pen recite her poems aloud. Her first book was filled with evocative poems about longing and unrequited love. He had never been quite brave enough to ask who her inspiration had been, although he was secretly proud of the idea that it might be him.

“I don’t think I can without blushing. I’ve…shifted my focus a bit.”

“Oh?” Colin was intrigued. “So you’ve moved on from unrequited love?”

“I wouldn’t say I’ve left it behind forever,” she said carefully. Why did he feel so relieved?

“But my latest work is more focused on the physical, the body, sensuality. The gaze.” She was on her side with her blue eyes on his and they never looked so bright as when she was discussing her work.

“The gaze?” Colin repeated with his mouth suddenly dry.

“Yes. Like, sensing someone else’s eyes on you and how alive it makes you feel? Like they’re touching you, caressing you just with their eyes?”

Now Colin couldn’t look away and it seemed she didn’t want to either. He could feel it creeping up on him stronger than ever. That pull toward her that used to terrify him. He knew back then he wasn’t ready, and he knew that she knew he wasn’t ready. It seemed to Colin that they had an unspoken agreement to leave those feelings unacknowledged.

Usually, Colin would make a smart remark to break the tension of a moment like this. But this time he wanted to let it linger, to savor it. So he reached out his hand and traced a line down her face from her red hair to her cheek.

Penelope closed her eyes and let out a little sigh.

“Hey, where did the gaze go? You’re supposed to be paying attention to me,” Colin teased sweetly.

Penelope laughed and rolled onto her back again. “So needy. You’re lucky you’re handsome.”

Colin gave his best smug smile and decided he could put Benedict and Penelope out of his head for now. After all, he was the one she was gazing at.

_____

A week later, Penelope and Benedict entered the patio door off Violet’s kitchen still laughing when Benedict tugged at Penelope’s strappy top. “I think you got dressed in too much of a hurry, shirt’s inside out.”

“I’ll fix that, you find us something to eat. You worked up my appetite, that was a long one.”

“I’m forever in your debt,” Benedict responded dramatically.

“Food and a shoulder massage and I’ll consider us even,” she said as she headed toward the bathroom.

Benedict turned back toward the kitchen to find a snack. “Oh Colin, didn’t see you there. Should’ve guessed you would be foraging for some of Mom’s food though.”

Colin gave Benedict a stiff smile. He had watched their exchange with surprise and a sinking feeling. Had they just…? The thought made him sick to his stomach.

As Penelope entered the kitchen, now with her clothes on correctly, Colin decided to let things play out a bit and turn on his signature charm. She climbed to one of the stools at the kitchen counter where Benedict had laid out her some of her favorite snacks. Since when did Benedict know Pen’s favorites? Her short legs dangled down adorably, and Colin couldn’t help but feel uplifted at the sight of her.

“Well, if it isn’t my favorite artist…Penelope,” Colin said with a smirk.

“Hey, whatever happened to family loyalty?” Benedict protested with an affronted look.

“It ended the day you and Gregory replaced all the underwear in my suitcase with Hyacinth’s thongs before I left for Asia. Luckily for you, I enjoy going commando.”

Ben grimaced. “Thanks for that visual. I think I’ll go shower before I learn more information I have absolutely no interest in knowing.” Ben kissed Penelope’s cheek and warmly said, “I’ll see you on Thursday, gorgeous muse.”

“You still owe me a shoulder rub!” she called after him as he walked away.

That unsettled feeling again. Colin shifted and asked, “You feel like watching a movie? You’ve been busy the last few days and I haven’t seen you much.”

“That sounds perfect, I’m worn out and I don’t think I could write a word tonight anyway.”

Colin balanced the tray of snacks on the coffee table as Penelope scrolled through Netflix to find something to watch. Once they got settled, Colin decided to make his move.

“So I heard something about a promised shoulder rub? Should I step in where Benedict has failed?”

“Are you sure you don’t mind?” Penelope looked a bit hesitant.

“Of course not, come here,” Colin replied as he positioned himself behind her on the chaise end of the couch. “Tell me if you want me to rub harder.” He slowly began kneading Penelope’s shoulders and heard her let out a sigh of relief.

“I’ve been staying in the same position for too long.”

Yes, but what kind of position?

“So, what are you and Benedict up to on Thursday?” Colin asked as casually as he could while simultaneously burning with jealousy and touching the woman he loved.

“Erm, you know, this and that, nothing too exciting,” Penelope replied breezily. “Have you been enjoying your time at home? Is it nice to have a break from the magazine?”

Colin was an expert in squirming his way out of answering questions he didn’t want to answer after a lifetime of dodging his mother and he recognized it when he saw it.

“You and Ben seem really close lately.” He let the silence hang there as he moved his hands up to her neck and started stroking his thumbs rhythmically up toward her scalp. A serious edge had crept into his voice that Penelope hadn’t heard from him before.

Colin noticed her biting her lower lip like she did when she was nervous or thinking hard. “You know I’ve always loved Benedict. And he’s been giving me some feedback on my work.”

Colin shifted back to her shoulders and started smoothing his strong hands down her arms. “Hmm…I thought you weren’t ready to share your new poems?” Colin tried to keep his voice even while inside he fought a feeling of hurt. It was so hard to be touching her like this, so close to her, knowing that she was hiding things from him.

“Oh, I just meant, well, I’m still in progress. I’m still getting comfortable with it.”

“So, he can see what you’ve been writing and I can’t? It’s me you aren’t comfortable with?” Colin could feel Penelope’s shoulders tense. They had always shared their work and it felt like a betrayal.

“I choose who I share my work with. And Benedict has been a huge support to me. I think my shoulders are good for now,” she said as she pulled away and turned to face him.

“Are you saying I don’t support you? We talk every day. I’m supposed to be your best friend.” Colin had never felt this insecure or possessive before and he didn’t like it, but he didn’t know how to stop.

“Of course, you are. But he is here. He doesn’t find it as easy to leave me as some people do!” Even Penelope seemed surprised at what she had just said.

Colin looked at her feeling stunned and hurt. Was this how she really felt? Neither of them seemed to know what to say or how to break the awkward silence between them. Penelope took a deep breath and avoided his eyes as she tried to calm down.

“It’s my job, Pen,” he finally said quietly. “But never think it isn’t hard to say goodbye to you.”

It always seemed that they were pursuing their separate paths until that perfect moment when it would make sense to be together. But maybe he had taken too long. Maybe Benedict was who she needed now.

“Look Colin, it wasn’t fair of me to compare you with your brother. You are both special to me so let’s just leave it at that.” Penelope said with an air of finality as she turned back to watch the movie they had been ignoring.

“Of course,” Colin replied but he couldn’t completely put his charming mask back on for the rest of their time together.

_____

“So, when are you two going to stop torturing Colin?” Eloise asked bluntly as they explored a local art fair that weekend. “Not that I don’t approve, he needs humbling on occasion.”

Penelope glanced over with distinct discomfort. She hadn’t been able to get the tense conversation with Colin out of her mind.

Benedict had a slight smile as he said, “We’re not doing it deliberately. Or I should say, Pen isn’t.”

“Oh, I know all about your tactics, Mr. “My Muse” Bridgerton,” retorted Eloise.

“He’s my little brother. If I can’t make him see sense and amuse myself in the process, why live at all?”

They paused to look at a stall full of paintings of Elvis on velvet canvases. “Speaking of torture,” Benedict grimaced.

“Colin has been texting me nonstop trying to figure out what you guys are up to on Thursday nights. He makes the most transparent excuses; it would honestly be adorable if it wasn’t so pathetic. He thinks you’re sleeping together,” Eloise explained. “Don’t worry though, I’m a steel trap.”

“All I know is that I don’t want to be in the room when he finds out he’s not even the second Bridgerton to see you naked Pen,” Benedict said as he examined some jewelry made of recycled cutlery. “Not that I’m not proud of my ranking.”

“First of all, Benedict, you’re the third Bridgerton to see me naked so don’t get cocky. Second, why would Colin care? He’s made it abundantly clear that he isn’t attracted to me.” Penelope replied. Sure, Colin had seemed a bit jealous about the time she was spending with Benedict, but that was just because he didn’t like to share her attention.

“Third!?! Who else has seen you naked besides us?” Eloise spluttered.

A nearby pair of elderly women selling lemonade from a church stand stared at the three of them with scandalized looks.

“Not so loud El!” Benedict scolded.

Penelope began counting on her fingers, “Well, Eloise you were the first since we’ve been getting changed around each other since we were kids. And Ben, obviously you stare at me naked multiple times a week. A bit of an obsession for you really. And well, a few summers ago at Aubrey Hall, Greg walked in on me while I was getting out of the shower – “

“Poor Greggy! Now it makes sense why he wouldn’t look you in the eye for like a year.”

“And why he still has a massive crush on her,” crowed Benedict. “More like lucky Greggy I say.”

Ignoring that little aside, Penelope joked, “So by my count, I only have five Bridgertons to go and I’ll have the whole set.”

“I feel so objectified,” Eloise huffed. “But you’re missing the point. Colin is attracted to you. We’ve all noticed how he stares at you like he’s a teenager in heat every time you’re in a bathing suit. And don’t you guys spend a ton of time talking even when he’s away?”

“But you remember what he said about sleeping with me? Ben was there.”

Benedict took her hands in an affectionate manner. “I remember Pen, but that was years ago. We were teasing him, and I know he felt weird about it because you were so much younger then. Don’t let that stop you from seeing how Colin looks at you now. You could just tell him about the life modeling and put him out of his misery.”

“I’m just not ready to talk to him about it yet. He has so much of me already and this I want for myself. Now, who wants to go to the beer tent before I buy this life-sized painting of Xena: Warrier Princess?”

_____

Many people thought Colin was not the brightest of the Bridgertons but Colin did not agree. Yes, he acted like an idiot on occasion, particularly where food or feelings were involved, but at least he knew when he was acting like an idiot. And as he grew and matured, he became better at seeing the warning signs that idiocy was about to occur.

As Colin was brooding after his argument with Pen, he realized that this was one of those times where he was in danger of some monumental foolishness. He had already been finding it harder to avoid showing his deeper feelings for Pen before he got home, and now all the mysterious and unsettling interactions with Benedict were pushing him over the edge.

Colin gave himself a mental pat on the back as he resolved to take the mature road for once. Benedict may tease a lot, but he was the most sensitive of his brothers. Colin would simply talk to him, communicate, all that adult stuff. He would figure out what was going on with Penelope and then he would be able to use his ample charm to get back in her good graces. With a self-satisfied smile, Colin went in search of Benedict.

Ben had converted an old carriage house on the family property into his studio and Colin knew that was the most likely place to find him. As he approached, he heard murmured voices, then a giggle that sounded distinctly like Penelope. Hearing Benedict make Pen laugh was like torture when Colin was already feeling so insecure about his place in her life. He should be the one making her laugh, not his brother.

He threw open the door before he could question himself. Ben was bent over Penelope, draping a long piece of black silk between her breasts and over her body as she reclined against a mattress on the floor.

Colin wasn’t sure if he wanted to cry, yell, or run to the airport and disappear to another continent.

“What the hell is going on in here? Get your hands off her.”

Benedict and Penelope both startled and looked up at him.

“Colin, I’m working, what does it look like I’m doing?” Ben said slowly.

Penelope remained silent although he could see shock, embarrassment, and then anger flicker over her face.

As he looked around more carefully, he could see that Benedict was telling the truth. A full-length mirror leaned against the wall so that Pen could adjust her pose. An easel with a partially finished painting was nearby. Sketches of Penelope in various poses lined the wall, and reference photos were scattered on the table. The images of her beautiful body did nothing to calm him. Colin gulped thinking about Penelope slowly undressing and preparing herself to be painted.

Colin ran his hands through his hair and tried to compose himself. “What do you think this looks like? You two are so secretive about your time together, Pen is “my muse” suddenly, and now I find Penelope here with no clothes on?” He met Pen’s eyes with new determination to get answers. “I would like to speak to Penelope alone.”

Penelope and Ben exchanged a knowing look, which only made Colin feel more insecure.

“Fine,” Benedict replied. “I’m going to take a break for lunch. Don’t desecrate my carriage house while I’m gone you two. I expect all of Colin’s clothes to be on when I come back.”

When the studio door closed behind Ben, there was a heavy silence in the room. Colin tried not to sneak glances at Pen’s bare body, but he was failing miserably. She was beautiful and he had loved her curves for so long. Seeing her this way was better than he ever could have imagined, but the anger radiating from Pen and the miserable jealousy he was feeling had never been part of his fantasies.

“Would you like a moment to cover up?” he tentatively began, finally remembering that he was a gentleman.

Colin had always wondered how far Penelope’s blush spread and today he was finding out. But instead of her typical sweet, shy blush when he flirted with her, this time she was red with anger.

“No, I’m perfectly comfortable how I am. You wanted to speak to me?” She met his eyes with a challenging look as she rolled onto her side and rested her red head casually on her hand, giving him an even more unobstructed look at her body.

Fine, so that was the way she was going to play it. He couldn’t always predict her reactions and normally he loved that about her. He realized that he needed to tread carefully.

Colin tried to calm himself and took a deep breath. “What is going on with you and Ben? Why all the secrets? I come back and suddenly you’re so close?”

“Colin, this is none of your business.”

Colin gestured toward her body, getting another good eyeful in the process. “You don’t understand why I feel a little bit confused about you being with him like this?” He tried to stay focused on her eyes, but he could feel his gaze darting from her face to her full breasts, to the curve of her hips, to the apex of her thighs.

“No, I don’t. I’m not ashamed of it and I enjoy it,” Pen said with a defiant edge in her voice.

Pen stood up and approached him with complete self-assurance. It was incredible to see her body from a new perspective and Colin tried mightily to hold onto his self-control. “Ben is my friend and you are my friend. If I spend time collaborating with him, or I choose to show my body to him, I honestly don’t see why that would bother you. Eloise knows and she couldn’t care less.”

Colin flinched at Pen’s heavy emphasis on the word “friend.” It was made even worse by the fact that he had fantasized about seeing her like this forever and now that they were here, she seemed completely unaffected by it.

“But he calls you his muse - ” Colin finally broke as she ran her fingers through her long hair in exasperation, drawing his attention to her body once again. “For God’s sake, Penelope, I can’t concentrate when all I want to do is look at your perfect breasts.”

Despite herself, Penelope looked down with a small smile on her face. “Fine, to protect your delicate sensibilities.” She pulled on her white silk robe. Colin was both relieved and disappointed. Now at least he could think.

“If you’re sleeping with him, if you have feelings for him, please be honest with me.” His brows furrowed and his heart pounded as he waited for an explanation.

Penelope sighed. “Look, Ben was desperate for a life model his first night of class. The person he had lined up backed out at the last minute. Eloise couldn’t help for obvious reasons, and I was there, and I trust him, so I tried it. He’s been doing great work with me posing for him privately as well and it helps my writing process. We inspire each other artistically.”

“I just – I’m having a hard time with this,” he sighed. He wandered over to the table and looked out the window. For once, Colin’s confidence seemed to falter, and Pen’s heart squeezed at the vulnerable look on his face.

“Why Colin? You’ve never minded me being close to your siblings before. Usually, you would just tease me about something like this and move on,” Penelope replied gently, her anger cooling as she approached him.

Colin was tired of pretending. Tired of pretending he felt less than he did when it came to Penelope. Tired of pretending that he wanted to just be her friend. Tired of pretending that there wasn’t something so precious between them that he couldn’t bear to imagine her sharing that with anyone else. He couldn’t anymore.

Colin turned away from the window and reached out for Penelope’s hand. “It’s just I always…I always thought we were each other’s muses. I know that you’re mine. I never would have started writing without you. I never would have traveled without you. I wouldn’t be the person I am without you.”

Penelope blinked back tears and squeezed his hand back. “Colin, you are my muse too. Have you even read my first book? You are written on every page.”

Colin gave her that clear, honest look that he only used with her. “I’ve loved you for so long. And I knew that if we started something it would be real, it would be everything, it would be forever. And I wasn’t ready then. But I thought you understood how I felt. You always seem to understand me without me having to say anything.”

“That may be true, but unlike some people, I didn’t go around assuming you were, you know, in love with me without you ever saying anything,” Penelope couldn’t help but tease.

“But you are, right? In love with me?”

“You really need to hear me say it?” Penelope said as a smile spread across her face. Colin seemed to take that as his answer as he reached out and used the tie of her robe to pull her closer to him. He had held her in his arms before, but he had always needed to keep a part of himself back. This time he didn’t have to as he looked at her with all the adoration and tenderness he felt.

When he lowered his lips to hers, every press, every moan, every touch seemed to peel back another layer that Colin had been hiding behind. He felt exhilarated to finally be doing this, and a little shy. This was Penelope and he knew her, and he knew how irreplaceable she was.

When they finally paused to catch their breaths, with their foreheads leaning together, Penelope whispered, “I am in love with you.”

“I love you so much, Pen.” Colin pressed a tender kiss to the top of her head. “So, does this mean that you’ll be my life model now? I can think of many poses that would inspire me,” asked Colin mischievously.

“To be honest, when I’ve fantasized about being undressed with you, I always imagined more movement being involved,” Pen replied with an innocent look.

When Colin blushed, she smiled in triumph until he began to untie her robe and whispered “Oh, I do my best work when I’m in motion.”

“Just as long as you’re not moving away from me anymore.”

“Never again,” Colin whispered against her lips as he captured them once more.