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Dear Prince Findekáno,
Or is it Crown Prince Findekáno now? I was under the impression that that was my father (and it would seem that the majority of Formenos is also under the impression that the Crown Prince is my father.)
If you don’t mind, I shan’t address you as such. It makes me think of my Atar, who is no less belligerent and bull-headed now that we have joined him in his exile. I dare say, he is worse. I know our Grandfather came here in the hope that he might temper him a little and soothe tensions, but I fear all it has done is given Atar the impression that he is in the right.
When he is not muttering about your Atar, he is muttering about my Amil, who (you may have heard) has not joined us. I cannot truly say I blame her, but it stings nonetheless.
Anyway. Why don’t you distract me? Atar sounds like he is demolishing his bedroom, so do write soon. Are you being outfitted in wonderful gems and pearls, as befits a Crown Prince? Are you finally fulfilling the godawful ceremonial duties that were foisted on me as my Atar’s (and Finwë’s) heir? I would recommend the furthest chair on the right in the council chamber – it is the least uncomfortable.
Yours,
Maitimo
P.S. Do you think I need to change my name now? Nelyafinwë doesn’t seem relevant anymore.
Nelyo
Greetings and salutations and all that.
Am sorry to inform your Atar that I am indeed the Crown Prince. May come as a shock to him. But then, him threatening my Atar at swordpoint was also a shock, so can’t say I’m too sorry for him.
Grandmother is livid, thank you for asking. Tell Grandfather to answer her letters. Based on what I heard screamed over dinner (although, this is a paraphrase – was drinking lots and lots of wine to make it bearable) he is ABANDONING THE CHILDREN THAT HE PETITIONED THE VALAR TO EVEN EXIST and RUNNING AWAY FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS and COWARDLY TO THE LAST and A FUCKWIT. That’s what I got anyway. Me and Írissë turned it into a drinking game and got quite drunk, so am not sure what happened after that. (Your Atar really is missing out with Grandmother Indis. Shame he’s such a cock because she’s fantastic.)
Happy to inform I do have lots of jewellery now. But since you have so rudely chosen to exile yourself in Formenos with your (Wrong and Completely Incorrect) Atar, instead of staying here and dealing with the fallout (poor you, listening to your Wrong and Completely Incorrect Atar destroying his bedroom) I shan’t show you any.
Best,
HRH Findekándo Astaldo Ñolofinwion, Crown Prince of the Noldor (yes, including those in Formenos, that’s how this works, Uncle Fëanáro, perhaps you didn’t want the job anyway considering previous behaviour)
P.S. As for your name, yes, you should change it. Nelyafinwë was obviously a dig at my Atar before, so I don’t know why you haven’t considered your name’s diplomatic fuckery before now
My dearest Crown Prince,
Might I start by expressing my sincerest apologies. You’re right, of course. It was very wrong of me to complain about Atar when it was entirely my choice to leave with him (and most importantly without you.)
I know we talked about it, but I really feel that, even if Atar is entirely off the rails, I might at least make sure he doesn’t spontaneously combust (and stop him from meeting with people who are entirely in agreement with him. Mostly that. I don’t want him getting more ideas.)
Give my love to Indis, to your Atar, and to your whole family. I’m sure it’s very difficult for them. And despite what my Atar would like to think, I don’t think your Atar has always been out for the kingship. Really, your Grandmother should have declared herself High Queen of the Noldor, just to get Atar to bitch about something else for a change.
As for my name, I am terribly sorry to have (apparently) been causing continual political offence since the day of my birth. Duly noted. I shall name myself Nobody in penance.
Now seems like a good time to mention that I miss you – very much.
And not just because I want to see you in all that jewellery (though I do…)
Yours,
Nobody
P.S. Makalaurë says hi. Curufinwë does not.
Nelyo
Am flattered you miss me, though remind you that you could be here instead. Nevertheless, thank you for the damage control.
Still not too keen on the Crown Prince thing, if truth be told (partly because I wonder sometimes if your Atar won’t stab me in the back at night like an assassin to reclaim his “rightful” title.) (Though I am sure he actually thinks his rightful title is High King so perhaps I should worry about him trying to stab my Atar… oh wait…)
One advantage of your (self-imposed) exile, is that you don’t have Artanis hanging around the palace.
Eru have mercy, she will NOT leave.
Wondering if she thinks the current political situation (read: Utter Shambles) means we are in danger of imminent societal collapse, after which she will rise as Supreme Leader of the Elves – or perhaps even of All, higher than Manwë himself. Have to admire her optimism.
It will also come as no surprise that Turukáno is very much enjoying his new rise in status. Maybe I should suspect HIM of attempted assassination attempts, so that he can rise in status again from So Low in the Line of Succession It Really Doesn’t Matter to Crown Prince. Írissë just wants to go hunting.
Please send ideas for how to remove Artanis from the premises that don’t involve swords.
Very Beleaguered and Bejewelled Crown Prince
Dearest,
I think a list of what to do to get Artanis to leave is unwarranted, considering what I’ve just heard (though news reaches Formenos very slowly and I am starting to suspect Atar is redirecting our letters – mention this to your Grandmother, maybe, because I am sure she is awaiting a reply or two from Grandfather.) (Actually, I suggest she dictate her letters to a scribe, he knows her handwriting and is now apparently passionate about shredding scrap paper for the compost heap.)
But anyway – the news!
I must say, I agree with your Atar that a royal wedding might indeed be a way to reunite our people. Or, at least, to get them to momentarily forget their differences over a case or two of wine and mead. Genuis. Even Atar paused for a moment while eating his breakfast cereal to consider it – and he didn’t even make a disparaging comment about your Atar. Is that progression? A result? Growth? Never mind, I hear him shredding again.
Who are the happy couple to be, if you don’t mind me asking?
I presume it is Turukáno and Elenwë, given that they have been mooning over each other for so long. Has Artanis found herself the advantageous match that will ensure she reigns supreme? Or, as my Atar suggests, has your Atar decided to remarry, since ‘that’s what started this whole mess in the first place!’ (Grandfather Finwë was thunderously quiet when he said this. I think we all were.)
Anyway, please fill me in on the details. I’d very much like some levity given the current situation (as I’m sure was your Atar’s plan. He’s very clever, isn’t he?)
Yours,
Maitimo
Nelyo the Uninformed, who Reads His Letters Catastrophically Late
It’s me, you knob.
Findekáno,
I sent the fastest messenger I could find.
Please explain yourself.
Why are YOU getting married?
To whom?
Do I need to ask more questions?
How about this one: What, pray tell, the fuck?
Nelyo
Haste of messenger could have been toned down a bit. All but collapsed in the throne room. Had to resuscitate and revive and then was not allowed to send a reply with equal haste. (Maybe use an eagle next time?)
Assumed you knew and your silence was assent (you did choose your Atar, after all.)
Am to be married to some Telerin lady – or is she Vanyarin? Seems like Atar is still weighing up his options. Telerin might be better considering Atar’s already half Vanya, so the alliance might be better. Although, come to think of it, don’t know why he’s not considering a Noldorin match, given that it’s civil war he’s trying to prevent –
What am I SAYING? I sound just like him.
Will try and bring up your argument about Turukáno being a far better candidate.
Hoping Atar will stop presenting ladies to me in the hope I take a fancy to them, but fear excuses are running thin if I don’t want to prevent a civil war by starting an entirely different war with the Vanyar/Teleri (both?) over hurt feelings (and perhaps the fact that am wearing more jewellery than their women – green-eyed monsters abound.)
Still. Pleased to hear you have not completely written me off while caring for your Atar and his follies.
Sending this via slightly slower messenger.
Disgruntled (and Apparently in Need of a Wife) Heir
Findekáno,
Have I, or have I not, mentioned my Atar’s newfound hobby of shredding our correspondence? Perhaps you should also employ a scribe.
Where would I find an eagle?
Can’t you stall them?
Stick with the Turukáno plan for now, I’ll try and think of something.
Maitimo
Nelyo
Found an eagle. Eagles like me. Guess I can’t say the same for you.
No luck on the Turgon front. Apparently, he isn’t high status enough. (He’s as thrilled about that comment as I was, although suspect for different reasons.)
Why can’t Findaráto marry? Everyone loves Findaráto. No one loves me. In fact, am pretty sure that until recently no one really knew who I was, unless they were looking at me for my obvious trailblazing when it comes to braiding. (Do Not ask me what the wedding braids will be. Have been asked by six separate stylists, some of whom suggested no braids at all – the idea! – as some sort of statement against the norm (why) and others want me to look like some sort of braided sea monster.)
Manwë is very tall, by the way. Have you met him before? I have. Why, you may ask? Because he is to OFFICIATE my WEDDING. (Convinced him to lend an eagle. I think he found it very funny.) The bride is, of course, still TBC because this entire thing is backwards.
Is exile treating you well? I hope it’s terrible.
Yours miserably,
Either a No-Braids-Statement or a Sea Monster, TBC
Findekáno,
Eagles truly do not like me. I think they’re feral. It’s also the least inconspicuous choice you could have made for transporting your post, considering it’s about fifty feet tall. How it held onto the letter is beyond me. When Atar asked, I said Ñolofinwë is trying out a new postal service and it sent him into such a rage that I could reply in peace.
Grandfather asks: if this is going to catch on, could Indis please also send her letters this way? He says it would save the eagle trips. (I also suspect that he is certain he will see the eagle coming and be able to intercept before Atar can shred all our letters. A fifty-foot eagle is, of course, easier to see than your run-of-the-mill Elvish messenger.)
Is it time for Turukáno to plan a coup?
Yours,
Maitimo
Nelyo
A disagreement between brothers that resulted in a coup got us into this mess. Frankly irritated that you would suggest such a thing.
Am now being fitted for wedding robes. Actually look quite dashing in them (Amil got quite weepy seeing me in them.) Maybe I can send you an invite in your exile. Obviously will have to send you an invite anyway because we can’t seem to figure out how to STOP this.
Grumpy but Good-Looking Crown Prince
(You wish you could see this 😉)
Findekáno,
Sorry. Feeble attempt at humour.
(Is the eagle not annoyed at all this traffic?)
Is the bride still TBC because I’m running out of ideas beyond coming in and kidnapping you? Unfortunately, I fear that might be seen as an open act of aggression on the part of my Atar.
Tricky.
For Manwë’s sake, can you not just ask Írissë and Arakáno to scheme with you? Get the Arafinwëans involved if you have to, you know they love the drama.
(And, yes, of course I would love to see you in your wedding robes, provided you’re getting married to ME. In the absence of this scenario, however, you’ll have to forgive me for not feeling very strongly about them.)
Yours,
Maitimo
Nelyo
You might be onto something there.
Bear with
Findekáno,
Your message is neither elucidating nor helpful. Please send more context. It also seems a waste to send a giant eagle with such a short missive.
Yours,
Maitimo
Nelyo
What if WE were to marry?
Findekáno,
Are you proposing?
I hardly think my Atar would offer you permission and I am certainly not the blushing bride that your Atar expects for his “unifying” plan. I understand that this is painful, but I’m not sure you’ve thought this through. Perhaps there are still other solutions that you might try.
(Also, I notice you’ve included lots of Indis’ letters to make up for the brevity of your note, so I suppose at least that you aren’t wasting Manwë’s generosity in using his servants as your personal carrier pigeons.)
Yours,
Maitimo
Nelyo
I AM proposing. (See ring enclosed.)
It’s perfect, if I do say so myself. Ran the plan past the siblings and even Turukáno agrees that it’s genius. (Well, maybe he didn’t say GENIUS, but mild praise from Turukáno might as well be GENIUS.) The Arafinwëans are on board, too, if need be, so thumbs up all round.
Haven’t told Atar yet, but he’s busy. Might just tell him I found a bride and see if he doesn’t question it. He’s got a lot to handle right now (not in the least because of someone ELSE’S Atar).
Here is why it will work:
You are a Ñoldo, just like me.
You are from a rival faction (don’t disagree with me when you are in Formenos in Exile with your Atar instead of in Tirion with me. For all intents and purposes, you are from a rival faction.)
Our marriage would 1. Be spectacular (this is my point), but also 2. Would demonstrate the mending of our fractured society and invoke the blessing of the Valar on the union, thus solidifying it both in the eyes of our people and Eru (this is Turukáno’s point.)
I do not need to beseech your Atar’s permission. He is 1. Exiled (so his opinion doesn’t count), 2. Not the boss of you since you are an adult, and 3. That is a patriarchal assumption based in old-fashioned views in which women were property and so should not count as a reason we cannot marry (this is Írissë’s point.) All of this, of course, means that I asked your Amil for permission instead and she’s game.
The final reason, though, is the most important and that is because I love you – more than anyone – and I want to marry you.
So, what do you say?
Yours,
Findekáno
Findekáno,
By way of reply, your own ring is enclosed if you will accept it?
How do you suppose I should return to Tirion?
Yours,
Maitimo
For fuck’s sake Nelyo, just ride the eagle back