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“I think it would be better if we went back to being just friends. I’m sorry.”
Suga sat down on the bench with a sigh. He had been walking aimlessly for hours, the night view near the river calming him and letting him deal with his own feelings. The star looked so dull in his eyes, the sounds all around him being completely muffled by his own thoughts.
He still remembered Daichi’s - his long time sweetheart, the one he thought was for sure his soulmate - voice and face, as he finally broke up with him and left him hopeless and empty in the middle of the street. His mind was playing that single phrase over and over like a broken record, bringing him back to where he watched Daichi’s back become small in the distance as he walked away, not letting him rest or catch a break.
Each and every waking moment since that day had been painful for him to live through. Useless had been the many encouraging words that his closest friends had given him, no matter how much they tried, Suga was withering like a dying flower and closing onto himself. The amount of days he brought himself out of the bed without contemplating staying in could be counted on a single hand and he wasn’t proud of that.
He knew what everyone was thinking about him and he couldn’t help himself but feel sorry for those who had to witness his heart growing weaker and weaker, full of watered down memories of him and Daichi together. He couldn’t get over the incredible amount of sweet memories he had together with him, ones that already started to look like fading pictures in his mind. The bright smiles and the colorful scenarios were already starting to look dull and lifeless, just like the dying love that had tied them together until the very end. It had died down without Suga’s knowledge and he couldn’t bear to think that he realized it so late. He hadn’t been able to see it coming and his heart couldn’t make peace with the fact that it lived a lie for so long.
How could I have known?
Suga’s heart had always been clear and firm in his love for his partner, believing strongly in their picture perfect love. He had always depicted it as an oil painting, one with strong, vivid, and bright colors, setting in stone their love as it shined upon them. The reality of the facts had struck him deeply, changing his view suddenly, and taking the rose-tinted glasses he had been wearing for the whole extent of their relationship away from his eyes. It felt like he had been thrown into an endless pond of murky, colorless water, leaving him no way to escape.
A beautiful, sad, and faded out watercolor picture; that was all he could see now with the remains of their love.
He felt like he was walking inside a dark place, all alone and left without anything to help him find his way back, nothing to let him breathe once again. He felt trapped, trapped in memories that made him wish their love had never even started.
That was the same sentiment that had urged him to get out of his house. He feared that he would have gone mad if he spent another minute inside that place, the same one where they had made so many memories together. Suga despised his weakness, he hated feeling so torn up about someone that had told him to his face that he didn’t love him anymore. Someone that had preferred to let their love - the intimacy and trust that he thought they had built over time with effort and sacrifices together - numb and die down to the point of never coming back again.
Time had passed and despite it all, it still hadn’t completely cured the pain and the numbing feeling of emptiness that he had felt since the break-up. It had been a cold shower, something that he hadn’t foreseen at all and that struck him deep and hard. He felt like nothing had changed since that time, like his heart had been stuck in that terrible night for months now.
Each time he tried to forget it, something made him cry again, pushing the so clear feelings and the fading memories to the front of his mind. With tears pooling at the corners of his eyes, each splash of color of their time together was being replaced by a new memory, making the old ones with Daichi finally dim down and resemble more and more like an old picture, until he almost couldn’t see them anymore even if he closed his eyes.
It was red.
Red like Kiyoko’s shirt the first time he realized Daichi’s love for him was done. He had passed his first birthday without his former lover’s presence by his side and that had made him realize that there was no more future, no hope for their relationship. He thought back to when the color red was a symbol of their union, their love and support for each other. He wanted to hit himself for always thinking red was the color of the string that connected them, the one that showed everyone that they were meant to be.
But it was not.
It had hit him so suddenly that he couldn’t even process his emotions before he was sobbing uncontrollably in Kiyoko’s arms, a warm hug from her that tried to tell him that she would be there for him and that he was safe despite it all. That he could do it. That he had the strength to get over Daichi and live his best life. He felt the support that his friend gave him and gratefully put on a brave smile for the rest of that night.
Suga was grateful to Kiyoko and to anyone else that supported him during his hardest times. The raven haired beauty was being the best friend she could to his broken hearted self, but he knew that he wasn’t that strong.
He always remembered to quietly apologize to her.
It was black.
The first day back at work without anyone to wait for him at home had come and as soon as Suga opened his front door, he had been welcomed only by the black fur of his little cat. It was a shock, Daichi’s presence once again jumping to the very front of his mind, making his heart miss a beat for the pain. It had been Suga’s idea to get a pet and it had been his subtle way of telling his lover - never the one to be particularly skilled at getting hints - that he wished to go further in their relationship. He had tried to make Daichi interested in the little animal, by trying to choose together from the local shelter, but in the end it had been only Suga pushing to get that little black ball of fur that had come rushing to play with his shoe strings.
It had proven to be a fruitless tactic in making his lover see a future together, and now Suga saw the sweet silhouette of the little kitten as a comfort and the silver lining of the desperate feeling that had brought him to try and expand the little family he had once wished to have by Daichi’s side. He had apologized over and over again to the little animal, for the tears he was spilling and for being an useless owner, but he had just been met with increasingly enthusiastic purrs and licks, ones that brought a tiny bit of his sadness away from his mind and heart.
However, coming back to an empty home and no warm welcome with his lover cooking something for him had devastated him once again, leaving him crying on his floor and begging for someone to help him. It had been a long time since he had actually had a warm welcome home, but he still hoped, wished and dreamed of seeing it one last time. He wanted to be heard and saved, he wanted for Daichi to come back but he also didn’t want to be seen as weak and pathetic as he was feeling.
He thought that he had gotten over it, that he had matured from that moment, from that heartbreak. It was a shock for him to realize that he couldn’t help but feel hopeless at that moment.
He once again closed himself inside his room and tried his best to shake off all the memories haunting him.
It was green.
Like the cover of the magazine he had once read, one that explored the psychology that was behind relationships and especially break-ups. Suga had looked at the title of the article for such a long time before finally bringing himself to read it. He had picked it from the local convenience shop on a whim, blindly hoping to get something out of it.
The color green only made him think back to when the two of them would happily go on trips in the countryside, the many runs they had gone to together while enjoying and loving the sight of nature all around them, the fresh feeling of spring always invading Suga’s mind. He thought that nothing would ever force them to separate, that Daichi’s presence was like a vision in the midst of all that view and that he must have been blessed to be able to enjoy life like that with the most beautiful person he knew.
He was clearly wrong and all he had was now the green shiny cover that caught his attention from under the neon lights of the store as he picked up his solitary dinner for the night.
‘Researchers demonstrate that it takes a minimum of 18 months to fully sentimentally and mentally recover from a break-up, especially ones from very long and emotionally invested relationships!’ It read on the top of the page and the silver haired man couldn’t help himself but cuddle up on his couch trying to understand something more about what was going on inside his head.
He stayed still for the rest of the night, enraptured from what he was reading. He ignored his phone ringing, the increasingly worried messages that some of his friends were sending him after not hearing from him for long enough taking the back seat inside his mind. He wanted more, more knowledge and more experience, anything to grasp onto trying to analyze and understand what his heart was going through. He wanted help and searched for it in the comfort of science, in the comfort of sure answers.
But it wasn’t enough, it didn’t feel the same as the previous green did in his heart.
It was yellow.
Yellow like the flowers that bloomed from the pot that Daichi had bought for him when he had first moved into his house. They had been dating for a couple of years already at the time and Suga had fallen head over heels once again for the caring spirit that made his boyfriend so special in his eyes.
Each year they had planted different seeds, usually mystery ones that Daichi brought to Suga. He knew how much the silver haired man enjoyed the surprise and tirelessly waited for the moment they bloomed, like a child wondering about their Christmas presents. He smiled so brightly every time that Daichi told him that his enthusiasm was contagious and that made him shine like a star. Suga had wrapped himself inside that comment and refused to hear anything else, even when the comments and smiles started to become less and less frequent, less sweet and more dismissive.
However he realized only now how the care and love that Daichi had put in that little gesture that had become a routine for them had started to fade out, making his choice feel more and more insincere. The flowers colors went from symbolizing passion to just simple politeness, until this.
Yellow flowers. Jealousy, calculative and not heartfelt love.
Suga had planted those seeds the fall before, none the wiser to Daichi’s real heart, while he was enjoying some tea with Daichi and he remembered clearly wishing to see them bloom and flourish together with him the next spring.
Only that it never came for the two of them.
It was orange.
Orange had always been Suga’s favorite color.
Not only did it remind him of their time spent together at Karasuno’s volleyball club, one that had been the real highlight to their time together, but it also reminded him so strongly of the many late nights and early mornings they had spent together. The soft shade of warm orange shining over their tangled bodies, making Suga’s heart fill with so much love and care for the man in his arms.
He thought that it was magic, such a sweet, pure, and authentic love that had to be stemming from some kind of miracle. He had gratefully whispered so many words of love and appreciative prayers towards fate and his luck.
Now he stared at the soft rays of sun that filtered through his curtains and turned away from it, feeling like he didn’t deserve anymore to feel that warm embrace.
His magic time was done and he didn’t want to be greedy. He feared that he would never feel that again, while at the same time he was scared he would have never felt that again in his life. He feared that also that would fade out, exactly like everything else had.
He stayed in the dark wondering what would become of him and his favorite color, which already had been replaced in his mind, just like everything else regarding the time the two of them had spent together.
It was blue.
Blue like the river in front of Suga at that moment. Blue like the sky, dusted with tiny stars and just palely illuminated by the obnoxious lights of streetlamps.
The silver haired man just dreaded the idea of blue being replaced. He had nothing else to hold onto in his heart, time already having the best of him and taking all he had before to shape it again in new forms and shades.
Blue used to be the color of the sea, the place where Daichi had first asked him to go out together. It was the color of freedom and limitless horizon, but now it was an oppressive color that surrounded all of his senses, and drowned him in the feeling of helplessness. He had once angrily thought that maybe his former lover had done all of that consciously, knowing how hard it would have been for Suga to move on and see life the same way he did before. He had screamed, kicked, broken things all around his house in sorrow and anger. He had thrown inside a box all of their photos and locked it away in the furthest corner of his closet, trying to forget all about it. He had tried to burn the handmade cards and handwritten letters but the color of the flame had stopped him.
He had looked at the shining, bright-red flames and realized that no matter what, burning everything couldn't do anything to Suga’s feelings as he was. He felt like he was being consumed inside by a much hotter and harsher flame, one that was the color of the sea and burned much more intensely than anything he had ever felt. It was burning and leaving an ashy tray all over his soul and he had no idea how to stop it.
He looked back at his hands that had curled into tight fists out of rage while he was thinking of the pain he had to endure. He briefly thought once again about screaming and letting his rage have the best of him, but he realized that no matter how hurt, angry, or sorrowful he felt, it wasn’t anyone’s fault that Daichi had fallen out of love with him.
Not even his own fault.
He could only blame himself for probably prolonging Daichi’s hurt, by making him spit out those cursed words by not realizing way sooner that he wasn’t happy with him; that he was making the broad smile that was distinctive of the former captain fade. He was living in a happy dream that actually hadn’t existed in a long time and he ignored every single sign that tried to wake him from it.
He realized just now that the perfection he envisioned in their relationship was only in his heart and that he had actually been cruel in a way, to box their love into the image of a stiff oil painting when they could have freely painted their love together with watercolors. He had suffocated that love and made them both suffer the pain of losing something dear without looking at the future.
He needed to free himself.
And finally, it was silver.
He knew what he had to do.
He looked down at his hands once again, this time revealing a tiny silver band resting inside his palm.
Suga remembered the day that he had bought the ring sitting in front of him, together with another one, similar in every way to his except for the size. It had been a promise ring he had bought to try and take the first step in furthering their relationship himself as he wondered why his lover still hadn’t gotten the hint; and it had also been the drop that had made the waters overflow.
As soon as he had presented the ring to Daichi, he had a shaken look on his face, one that almost resembled fear, before he composed himself; then a sad, defeated expression had graced the features that Suga had learned to love and that he missed with all of his heart.
The numbing pain he had felt inside his chest, the fuzzy sound that made his ears ring while Daichi’s lips moved as he said that terrible phrase, the spinning vision of his lover leaving him, and the hot trail of tears that he could feel on his face were still fresh in his mind.
He was going to free himself from all of that now.
The silver haired man stood up from the bench he had been sitting on for the last couple of hours. He already couldn't feel his legs, his hands also going numb from the chilly night air blowing at him. He walked closer and closer to the railing that separated the sidewalk from the river and looked down. He felt like his whole being was being put on the line at that very moment. Suga knew that finally freeing himself from the invisible clutches of the shadow of a failed love was finally going to make him happy. He knew what he had to do.
The silver haired man took a deep breath and closed his eyes, before lifting up his arm.
He breathed. Once. Twice. In and out.
And then he finally let go of that ring.
Suga used all of his strength to throw the ring as far as he could. He threw away the thing that shackled him to that dying love, the symbol that he had held onto for so long, to the point that he couldn’t live like he wanted anymore because of it. He put all of his feelings and his pain inside that little, almost insignificant piece of metal, and threw it away.
A promise that didn’t even start, a dying love, and fading memories.
Suga decided he was going to leave everything behind and he wouldn't look back at the past, not anymore. He was going to let his mind forget about those painful memories and let it paint over them with new colors and shades, covering and making new pictures; making the watered down colors come back in a new form. One that didn’t make him feel sorrow, but made him feel all the beauty of life and make him be able to breathe again.
The silver haired man watched for a moment as the little waves on the surface of the water expanded more and more as the impact of the tiny ring with the river’s water quieted down. He immediately felt better, a weight lifting from his heart as he knew that everything that brought him down was now sinking, lost forever in the depths.
“Thank you and goodbye, my love.”
He murmured quietly, finally free from everything.
Suga looked up towards the sky, the stars seeming as bright as they used to be before everything came crashing down on him. The gentle smile that appeared on his face was one that he hadn’t felt himself doing in months now and he quickly shed some tears of happiness.
‘I will be fine now.’
White.
Suga was calmly walking along the river, finally deciding to call it a night, and feeling well enough to face even a place like his house again. He didn’t fear the emptiness and the sense of failure that used to assault him when he saw his lonely home, but he rather looked forward to once again making it a place where he could shine with all of himself.
He felt like he needed to wonder and contemplate his future, but he really just felt like dancing and letting himself laugh out loud like he hadn’t let himself do for such a long time. He almost started skipping, feeling way lighter and carefree than how he had felt when he had come out of the house. Now he was free, happily humming along to the words of a sweet melody he had heard somewhere. He couldn't feel happier, even in the dead of the night, merrily skipping away while enjoying some childish singing.
“HEY!”
Suga suddenly stopped in his tracks, looking back towards the source of the voice calling out to him and was stunned by who he saw there. He smiled even more widely, the shock and confusion clear in his eyes as he ran to meet the person who called out to him, someone who he hadn’t seen since his high school years.
When a dream ends, there’s always another night to look forward to.