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Kris remembered the moment they realized they were never going to grow in horns. How it felt to understand why Mom had laughed all those times they asked, as if the village idiot had made an amusing mistake. She probably hadn’t meant it like that, in fairness. It hurt all the same.
They were never going to truly fit in with monsterkind, try as they might to hang with the other, older monster teens. It became clear to Asriel’s other friends how they should be treated: Kris was either entertainment or a pack mule. Asriel had tried to explain why he needed some time to be with people of his own age at several points. Kris didn’t get it. What was it about them that was so different? Why couldn’t they be as outgoing as him? If he could be with monster friends, then why weren't there any humans for Kris to be with? Asriel never had a good answer.
They’d learned quite young what isolation felt like.
What it meant to feel alien.
One day Kris misplaced the red devil horns, the ones that had made them feel connected to their family. Those same ones which garnered so many snickers from the teens. Good riddance, Kris told themselves. Why should they hold on to something so childish? Face reality. They felt naked when they went out. Wrong. They could feel the stares of younger children, huddling against their parents when they walked past. “What was that? Why does it look dead? Does it have blood? Does it have a soul?”
Eventually the drawings of themselves as a monster went missing too. They imagined themselves as Asriel’s real blood sibling. They were everything Kris wasn’t, wished they could be. Gentle, peaceful, brave, lovable from the moment you laid eyes on them. They had given that drawing the same red horns, and a kind smile, with a green robe and a noble spirit. Kris even remembered naming that drawing something, though their memory blurred on that point. Just as well. Another useless memory of something that would never come true.
They closed off, slowly, slowly, so slowly at first. They slept through morning lectures. They stopped going to Catti’s occult meetings. Their pranks became more extreme: a bath bomb in the toilet, faking grievous injuries; perhaps this was some misguided cry for attention, or maybe they just wanted to indulge in mayhem for its own sake. They weren’t happy, but life continued on. Their situation was, at the very least, manageable.
Then Dess disappeared.
Kris was all Noelle had left. Asriel and Rudolph and Asgore all together couldn't find her again. They were beyond devastated, nobody more so than Mayor Holiday. The days grew colder once Rudy got sick.
Kris couldn’t help Noelle. Nothing they did to brighten her spirits worked anymore. All they could do was watch and listen to her as she sobbed and searched and retold tales of her sister. They went on secret expeditions to find her. Of course, they found nothing. It was as if the darkness had swallowed her. Kris felt useless. Were they responsible? Plenty of kids had told Kris plainly that they were weird, a freak, a creep. Asriel had always defended them; it never bothered them before. But what if Dess had run away because of them ? What if they were the cause and didn’t know why? How could they face Noelle again if that were true?
They closed off further. They barely saw anyone now. Their days were a blur, from school to home in a limitless loop, ignoring the whispers behind their back from other students.
"Where did they come from? Isn't their brother Asriel? Why don't they talk? They're so freaky."
Their one solace had been the piano. They didn't know what they'd have done without it. It was without question the one positive quality everyone else could agree on when they played in church or at the hospital: they were an exceptionally talented player. They had the real makings of a musician, writing their own pieces, haunting and beautiful ballads that spoke of grief and loneliness. It was only too bad that these considerations never extended beyond the piano itself. As if the human playing it was just as much an instrument, or a mere tool, meant to deliver emotions on another's whim, defective when they weren't at their post.
Years passed. For a long while, things didn’t get better. Toriel and Asgore divorced. They assured both Kris and Asriel that it wasn’t their fault, that they still loved them both. Asriel seemed to take it well, like he saw this coming. Kris wanted to cry, but found they couldn’t. Dad wasn’t going to be around much anymore. They hoped that the smile on Toriel’s face as she said that was just their imagination. It was hard to understand how two people who’d fallen in love could have fallen out of it. Kris barely spoke anymore. What they did say was curt, one or two words at a time. Their voice was small and nearly broken from lack of use.
Then the day they dreaded for months now came.
Asriel was to leave for college.
They were going to be all alone.
Asriel tried to reassure them. It'll only be for a few months at a time. He'll be back for the holidays. They'll spend time together during the summer. Don’t cry. Be strong for mom.
It didn’t work. As talented and smart as Asriel was, he’d never been alone. He’d never felt failure or misery or saw an alien in the mirror every morning. Kris screamed that they hated him. How could he abandon them? Didn’t he see what he was doing? Asriel was stunned. He didn’t know what to say. He hugged Kris. Promised to call them every day. They’re still siblings, still best friends. Nothing was ever going to change that, no matter how far apart they might be. Kris felt hollowed out. What good was it to yell at him? He’d not done anything. If Kris held him back now, they’d never be able to forgive themselves. They apologized for saying those awful things. Asriel forgave them without hesitation. Even now he was perfect. It was miserable and wonderful and Kris hated that they couldn’t hate him.
Ever since Dess went missing, Kris couldn’t help but feel responsible for what happened afterwards. If they had just found her, maybe dad wouldn't have left the force. Maybe the arguments about what happened would've been avoided. Maybe dad wouldn’t have nearly brought them to ruin financially with his new business; maybe things would’ve worked out. But their family broke once then.
And it was happening again.
Asriel stepped onto the bus. Everyone in town waved him off. Kris broke free of their mother’s grasp on their shoulder as the vehicle pulled off. They called out to Asriel. The last they saw of him was him waving goodbye from a side window. The bus shrunk in the widening distance. It was much too far to catch up to now. Kris didn’t know what they’d hoped to accomplish. They slumped to the ground, sitting on their knees. Their hands balled into fists. They tried very hard not to cry. Not long after, they heard footfalls behind them. Noelle. She sits with them as they stare down the empty lane. A minute passes. She asks if Kris is ready to head back. Kris doesn’t respond. She stands up and offers a hand. After a few uncertain seconds, Kris takes it, and she helps them up. For a moment, the two look at one another. They can both feel it: the opportunity to make amends, apologize, heal the rift that’s grown between them. Instead, before she can start to speak, Kris is already beginning a slow trudge back to Hometown. She trails just behind in silence. When they get home, Toriel tries to talk with them over dinner. They don’t say anything. They’ve barely touched their food before they prepare for sleep.
There are bloodstains at the foot of Kris' bed. They don't know where they learned it. Had Catti taught them? They didn’t remember. But at night they can put their emotions away in a little birdcage. For just a few hours, the pain of it all…stops. The soul. The font of compassion. Of will. The very culmination of their being. It was shocking how fragile it looked. They bet if they just squeezed hard enough...they bet if they just took their knife...they bet...
They wonder why they should keep going.
Their sleep gets worse.
That Friday, Alphys warns of a group project starting next week. As if it matters. Berdly makes a snarky comment, something about how they’ll be paired with Toriel again. Kris would shoot back something, but they know he’s right. Noelle can only offer an apologetic look and a few words. Kris wishes they could talk again. They missed her dearly. They gather their things. They’re about to head out the door, but…
They look back to see her as class ends.
The purple girl sits at her desk alone. Detention for disturbing the class. Was eating something during a lecture. Her only defense was it was either that or eating Kris’ head. Her joke (was that a joke?) had not gone over well. She was intimidating. Fierce. They'd never spoken. Perhaps that was their own fault.
For just a moment, red eye met yellow. Her eyes. Perhaps there was some truth about them being windows to the soul. There was a certain irony that her eyes betrayed how she really felt, that she couldn't see how they had exposed her thoughts. To Kris, she looked...vulnerable. Sad, and tired, and angry. Like she didn't know how much longer she could keep this act going. That she was running out of time and patience and energy. That soon, her hunger might catch up with her.
Maybe they should’ve said something. Done anything to indicate their desire to become closer. To be friends with a fellow outcast. What could they say, though? What could they do? The chasm between them felt insurmountable. She distrusted the world around her, that much was clear. If only Asriel was here. He’d know the right words, the body language, the charm to get anyone talking. If only. If only, if only, if only. Screw this. Screw it all. What was the point to anything as insipid as their fantasies? Keep your head down. Ignore the stares. Go home. Do your work. Go to sleep. Live, repeat, die.
After all, what could one week change?
Fight and scrape and intimidate to survive. The law of the jungle. Nobody was going to help you out or lift you up. Don’t be a burden. Use your own strength. Take what you need, what you want. Use force where words fail. Susie had absorbed these lessons well. Nobody could touch her. If nobody could touch her, nobody could hurt her.
Go to the alleyway. Hope for some breakfast the diner had discarded. Some days were good. Others, like today, weren’t. Look for lunch too. They weren’t offering them to her at school anymore. Didn’t matter. Had to make do.
Her teeth hurt, had turned visibly yellow. Shit. She needed to get toothpaste. The loose change she’d gathered off the sidewalk wouldn’t cover the cost. Pickpocket? No, her fingers were too clumsy, and she’d be seeing Undyne again if she tried that. Then she’d have to face her dad. Face his rage. Wonder if she’d make it through the night without feeling his hands on her. Absolutely not. Scare the other kids into giving her their money? Semi-reliable, at least.
This sucked. This whole town sucked. Here she was already having to eke out a living for herself, and meanwhile everyone was worried about “finals” and “projects.” What difference did that make? A project wouldn’t keep her alive if she finished it. It almost made her mad how easy the rest of them had gotten off. They didn’t have to dumpster dive, or drink milk out of an alley, or have to do anything remotely as hard as she did. And much as she hated him, her dad was right. This town pretended to be so soft, so nice. But it would let you starve and rot on the street, same as anywhere else, if you didn't have money. Hypocrites. Weaklings.
She came to class, late as ever. Alphys again did nothing meaningful. Useless. Less than useless. She was spineless and weak. Everyone knew where the power in class was really held. Every student turned away in fear from her. Everyone except the human and the deer girl. The latter though, she always whipped her head back to her desk whenever Susie glanced in her direction. The human never did. She didn’t know what their deal was. Siblings with that Asriel guy. Probably living the most charmed life of them all, if everything said about him was true. Probably the exact kind of person she’d tear to shreds given half a chance.
But honestly, it was hard to feel angry with someone who hardly ever spoke; they may as well have been a ghost or a zombie given their standard reactions. Harder still to not on some level admire their chutzpah. No matter what she did, they never seemed scared of her. Even when, on a whim, she had cornered them in the halls, and told them she was going to take every penny they had, they barely flinched. Just dug out the two measly dollars they had in their pocket, gave it to her, and walked past, without a word to say or a quiver in their movements. They didn’t fear her. She should have hated them for that. But…strangely, it was oddly comforting to know that someone out there wasn’t going to take her shit. That she did not and could not frighten everyone. The kid had guts.
She was mindlessly waiting out the time for detention to end. A harmless joke. God. It’s not like she was going to actually eat Kris. She liked the smell of their hair! Why would she get rid of that? Day after day of digging through garbage, it was the one good smell she had reliable access to every day. She looked towards the door. Saw the human standing there. For just a moment, yellow eye met red. Whoa. Had she ever seen their eyes before, or had their bangs always covered them? Considering the unusual color, it was odd how…innocent they looked. Deep bags fell beneath them, though. What was keeping them up at night? They looked how she felt. Tired and jaded and miserable. Like they didn't know how long they could keep this up. That very soon, they'd snap.
She thought about saying something to them. Maybe try to talk about how calm they always were. That she liked how they didn’t try to fit in with the other kids. That they seemed stronger than they let on. Quiet people pissed her off, but only because they often proved to be the toughest people to break. She admired strength like that.
But then they turned away. She didn’t know why. Susie felt hurt but…that didn’t make sense. Get over it.
Kris was a freak anyway. Looked about as sturdy as a pansy, and probably about as strong, considering they always had their mom literally hand-holding them to class. What a loser.
Ignore the stares. Go home. Eat what you could. Go to sleep. Live, repeat, die.
After all, what could one week change?