Chapter Text
the world doesn’t end the day that johnny leaves for america, even though ten might have thought it would.
doyoung and taeyong throw johnny a goodbye party the night before the flight. everyone who cares is there and they coerce johnny into drinking by telling him if he gets hungover he’ll be able to sleep it off on the long flight ahead.
the night ends slowly, the number of guests petering down into nothing until the only people left are doyoung, taeyong, jaehyun, johnny, mark and ten.
everyone else is helping clean up, gathering bottles and other trash left behind. jaehyun and mark are trying to make it look like they aren't about to go home together as soon as it's all over. doyoung and taeyong are arguing about bin bags.
ten closes the back door to the patio behind him quietly. the city isn’t silent, it never is. there’s a siren in the distance, and the sounds of voices drifting towards them from the restaurant down the street, and the incessant chirping of a cricket.
ten takes a deep breath. the cold night air is sobering.
ten can’t say he’s surprised when he hears the door opening and shutting again behind him. he doesn’t turn around. he knows it’s johnny. he waits until johnny has walked forward into his peripheral vision to acknowledge his presence, a simple tilt of his head.
ten doesn’t know whether johnny is drunk or not. he must be, he’s flushed red all the way down to his neck, the shade of it dulled by the low light of the crescent moon.
still, ten doesn’t speak. something sits in his throat, something bitter and unnameable. he swallows it down and looks up at johnny, really looks at him.
this is the end, ten thinks. his heart thuds in his chest and the idea of living in a world without johnny terrifies him, but he doesn’t even have johnny the way he used to anymore.
how long will it take ten to let go of johnny? he’s starting to feel stupid about how he’s clinging to feelings that johnny clearly doesn’t reciprocate. maybe never really did. especially now that he and johnny hardly talk. especially now that johnny is flying out to fucking america.
ten doesn’t want to think they won’t text while johnny is gone, but something just tells him that they won’t. maybe the something is how empty their conversation thread has been even over the last few weeks.
johnny opens his mouth to say something, finally, and ten readies himself -
and the door behind them swings open, hitting the wall with a loud bang. ten snaps his head at the sudden noise and sees taeyong and doyoung stumble out, bin bags in hand, taeyong almost tripping over the threshold. neither of them notice that he and johnny are there.
“hi,” ten says curtly.
both doyoung and taeyong freeze where they are. doyoung has the decency to look away, while taeyong stares wide eyed at them, eyes flicking between johnny and ten like he thinks one of them might pounce if he moves too quickly.
“we’re just -” doyoung starts.
“yeah, yeah.” ten dismisses him with a wave of a hand. “i was just out here getting some fresh air.”
he doesn’t speak for johnny. he doesn’t know why johnny came out here, and johnny doesn’t seem to think he needs to justify his presence, just stares off into the middle distance. so johnny goes unacknowledged while doyoung and taeyong take the trash out and scuttle back inside. ten finds himself meeting doyoung’s eye just before he closes the door and wishes he hadn’t - doyoung is making this face that’s probably supposed to be encouraging but instead falls somewhere closer to terrifying. resolutely ignoring doyoung, ten instead turns away from the door again. he leans his elbows on the railing and lets out a quiet sigh.
“tired?”
ten shuts his eyes and counts to three in his head.
“i guess you could say that,” ten responds quietly. “you?”
“yeah, kind of.”
ten hates small talk. this is the worst conversation he’s ever had. it’s not even a conversation, it’s just words for the sake of saying words.
ten doesn’t want this.
“what time do you land?”
johnny hums. “early… like, the afternoon.”
it’s basically a one word answer. this is so stupid. this is so stupid. johnny doesn’t seem sober enough to talk to ten properly and he’s leaving tomorrow and ten doesn’t know if he’ll ever see him again.
“oh.”
actually, ten doesn’t know what he wants.
he doesn’t know what johnny wants out of this. he certainly doesn’t think that johnny wanted to make polite conversation with ten, but maybe he did. ten is hyperaware of the fact that he doesn’t actually know what johnny thinks or feels. he just thought he did. they’re meant to be best friends. they were supposed to be best friends.
this could be the last time they get to talk. ten doesn’t know much, but he knows they won’t keep in contact, so unless johnny comes back, this is it.
are you going to fucking say something? ten wants to scream, he wants to wave in johnny’s face and ask do you have anything you want to say or are you going to stare into the distance until i leave and then we never get to say goodbye and the last conversation we ever had is about your flight?
ten doesn’t scream. he lets out another quiet sigh and rests his forearms on the railing and his head on his forearms.
johnny mimics his position, but he has to step further back than ten to get there. when he does, he just looks at ten.
their elbows are touching.
ten looks back at johnny.
am i being dramatic, ten wonders, when i think we might not meet again? am i being dramatic? he wants to ask johnny. he wants advice from his friend but his friend is the one who’s leaving.
i don’t really need to commit your face to memory, we have phones, i’ll see your photos. i don’t need to lament our last conversation, we’ll talk again. i’ll learn how to be your friend again without holding the heartbreak against you and you’ll learn how to be kind and treat me gently and actually tell me how you feel. we’ll get better and then we’ll be fine.
he wants to say all this out loud.
he wants the comfort, he wants the of course, he wants the eyeroll and the obviously, ten.
he wants the world to not end here.
ten doesn’t get what he wants.
they never end up talking, standing on the back porch. jaehyun and mark have left and doyoung and taeyong are politely kicking them out and sending them back home.
kun and sicheng left hours ago. ten wonders whether they’re still awake.
mark left with jaehyun. johnny is going to go home alone.
“bus stop?” johnny asks him as he shrugs on his coat. he seems more in his senses now, from what ten can see. ten nods. “i’m going the same way.”
ten spends the walk convincing himself not to follow johnny home and give himself to him, even though he knows he’d regret it. and even though he doesn’t even think johnny would want him.
no, that’s not true. the one constant, from before and from now, is that whether or not johnny ever loved him, johnny did want him. he always wanted him.
they reach the bus stop and johnny doesn’t have time to wait for ten’s bus to come, and so sooner than ten could have realised, the end arrives.
he and johnny stand face to face for the first time all night. ten’s heart climbs up to his throat and perches itself up there.
“this is you,” johnny says, pointing up at the bus stop.
“mmhmm.”
this is it.
“have a safe journey, hyung,” ten says quietly.
looking at johnny, he’s overwhelmed by the sudden urge to reach out and touch. just his hand, just anything. johnny’s leaving.
ten’s hands twitch by his side but they don’t move.
“goodnight, ten.”
“goodnight.” ten swallows. “goodbye.”
johnny probably doesn’t mean for ten to notice but he does, he notices the way johnny’s eyes shift, and the way he tilts towards ten minutely before moving back again, and stepping back even further to compensate.
when ten meets johnny’s eyes, it's as though something behind them has shuttered. his parting smile is painfully blank.
“goodbye.”
so johnny leaves, and the world doesn’t end.