Work Text:
You feel like some sort of pathetic failure when you somehow let Kanaya talk you into making a profile on Facebook dating of all fucking places. She says she's heard good things about it from people but you're not sure you really like the idea of it.
You swear that you're never going to actually use it because fuck Facebook.
And you don't for a while. You scroll through some people with Kanaya but don't message anyone. You see likes come in now and then but you never really look at any of them. Your profile is pretty empty, other than the things Kanaya made you fill in and a few pictures.
The one time you actually do bother swiping through people, it's entirely Terezi's fault. You two are hanging out for the first time in a while and you honestly forgot that you always drink too much when she's around.
"That one's cute," she keeps saying as you idly scroll around on your phone.
"I'm not even in the fucking dating app right now, Terezi. And how would you know if someone was cute if I was?"
"I can sense it, duh you asshole."
You don't notice that she keeps refilling your drink or that the drinks are getting stronger as you two sit around watching weird documentaries on YouTube.
It's not long before you're absolutely shitfaced because Terezi is the worst and you don't usually drink.
The last thing you remember is Terezi cackling her ass off when you read aloud a message before you send it off to somebody you matched with. You feel absolutely no sense of shame or regret but that is highly likely to change in the morning.
---
You wake up the next morning with a splitting headache and a metric fuckton of notifications on your phone.
You see that a few of them are from a "Dave" on... fucking Facebook dating. Didn't you have to match with someone to message with them...?
Ah fuck.
It takes you a minute to get the messages open because Facebook mobile is a nightmare but when you do, you find a single chatlog in your inbox. Next to a picture of a blonde person wearing obnoxiously large sunglasses is the name "Dave". You notice that the most recent messages from them are not the start of this conversation apparently.
Dave: haha dude youre fucking hilarious
Dave: also obnoxiously fucking plastered im guessing
Dave: are you even gonna remember lil old me on the morning who knows
Dave: will dave be just another in a series of drunken conversations about the illustrious career of drew barrymore or will karkat deign to message her in the light of day
Dave: stay fucking tuned
Dave: im gonna guess you passed out or just got sick of my bullshit but if its the former rip sweet dreams dont die hope you drank some water
Dave: also i hate this app i keep forgetting where to find the messages
Dave: if you wanna keep chatting my pesterchum is turntechGodhead
Dave: id say dont make fun of it because i made that username when i was like 11 but honestly i was making fun of your weird crush on adam sandler so its fair game bring it
You... vaguely remember talking to this girl oh god.
Past you is such a fucking moron.
You think if you actually scroll back up through the conversation and see what asinine bullshit you were on about last night, you might puke for reasons unrelated to your hangover. You instead go to her profile.
"Dave, 26" it oh so helpfully tells you and... oh yeah. You definitely remember her now.
You've got one mutual friend in common, Kanaya. You have no idea how Kanaya knows her, as you've never heard mention of a sunglass-wearing douchebag with a dating profile that is comprised almost entirely of Danny Devito quotes, but Kanaya does know a lot of people. You see that she lives in the same city as Kanaya so she's not local but that's really not an issue, you guess.
The profile is utterly obnoxious and nonsensical. Half the photos of Dave are "ironic" duckface selfies where you can't actually see the majority of her face because of the angle and the aforementioned sunglasses. Her description has clearly been written by two different people.
im a pretty big deal on the internet
Actually important information: She/Her/Hers. Yes, my name is really Dave. It's not short for anything. I'm trans and I didn't feel the need to change my name. Also if that's a problem for you, kindly fuck off. If I get any messages making fun of having my pronouns in my bio I will post them on Twitter so don't even start.
yeah fuck off or my cousin will stab you with a knitting needle lol
I'm actually not a douchebag despite all evidence to the contrary. I'm an artist and a musician, though you really wouldn't be able to tell based on the pictures I decided to upload on here. Perhaps if you ask nicely I'll gift you with my actual work.
message me only if you fully appreciate the absolute artistry of owen wilson and ben stillers acting also if you think im cute you better think im cute or else whats the fucking point
Indeed. Only message this idiot if you think she's cute.
She has a few prompts answered but again, the answers are mostly Danny Devito quotes. There's some "art" as well and you're guessing it's bad on purpose based on what her cousin wrote but Jesus Fucking Christ it's bad.
You're not sure what made you pause on her profile last night. But you're pretty sure the picture at the bottom, of her laughing and facing the camera, all freckles and dimples and (uncovered) eyes crinkled shut in glee is what made you message her. Because she is cute.
(You sound so fucking stupid to yourself right now and you really hope you didn't say any weird sappy shit like that to her last night fuck.)
You have to put a pin in that train of thought so you can go worship at the porcelain throne for a while. After getting cleaned up and downing some Gatorade, you decide that actually, you're going back to sleep because fuck all of this.
When you wake up again a few hours later, you wonder if you should actually pester Dave as requested.
You eventually decide that. Eh. She clearly wasn't turned off by your discussions of. Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler. Or your obvious drunkenness. It's not like you could embarrass yourself anymore at this point.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
CG: SO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT EXACTLY I WAS GOING OFF ABOUT LAST NIGHT BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER GOUGE MY EYES OUT WITH A PLASTIC SPOON THAN READ MY NO DOUBT OBNOXIOUS DRUNKEN RAMBLINGS.
CG: I'M ASSUMING IT WASN'T ANYTHING THAT AWFUL SINCE YOU GAVE ME YOUR PESTERCHUM BUT WHO KNOWS MAYBE THIS ISN'T EVEN YOURS AND SENDING ME TO MESSAGE WHOEVER THIS IS IS ALL PART OF SOME VICIOUS REVENGE PLOT TO GET BACK AT ME FOR BEING A COLOSSAL DOUCHEBAG.
CG: THIS IS DAVE RIGHT? IF THIS ISN'T DAVE PLEASE LET ME KNOW SO I CAN BLOCK YOU AND GO DIE IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE.
TG: oh sweet youre alive
TG: and i mean if you think matching with a girl and then immediately messaging her that the lovingly crafted portrait of owen wilson she had up on her profile was the MOST ATROCIOUS THING I'VE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF LAYING MY EYES ON is embarrassing then yeah actually that kind of is i hope you dont have any spoons around rip your eyes
CG: OH MY GOD DID I REALLY
TG: yeah man tore my little artist heart right out with that brutal critique
CG: I AM SO SORRY
CG: I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I WOULD DO THAT AND ALSO WHY THE FUCK YOU KEPT TALKING TO ME AFTER THAT?
CG: WAIT
CG: THE FUCKING MACARONI ART ONE?
TG: the one and only
CG: I TAKE IT BACK I'M NOT SORRY THAT THING IS TERRIFYING.
CG: IF I HAD NOT FALLEN INTO A DREAMLESS STUPOR LAST NIGHT I'M PRETTY SURE IT WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME NIGHTMARES.
TG: yeah i get that a lot from people
TG: not everyone understands true artistic talent when they see it
CG: SERIOUSLY THOUGH WHY DID YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME? PRETTY SURE I DID FUCK ALL TO SEEM LIKE A CATCH LAST NIGHT
TG: naw you said i had a pretty smile and then yelled at me for having shit taste in movies
TG: wooed me right and proper
TG: was swooning left and right like damn finally someone who knows how to treat a lady
TG: also drunk karkat is a beautiful trainwreck and a delight to chat with ngl
TG: havent laughed that hard in a while
CG: WELL I'M GLAD YOU'RE SO AMUSED BY ME MAKING A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF!
TG: yeah man quality entertainment
TG: i dont drink but im pretty damn sure i wouldnt be nearly as funny if i did
CG: I CAN'T TELL IF YOURE MAKING FUN OF ME OR IF YOU ACTUALLY ENJOYED TALKING TO MY DUMB ASS LAST NIGHT.
TG: little bit of both if were being honest
CG: I'M A PATHETIC LOSER SO I'LL TAKE IT I GUESS.
---
You find yourself scrolling through the dating app again. Just to see who else is on there and check any other matches you managed to get last night. A few look interesting but apparently, Dave is the only one you actually messaged.
You do end up looking through your messages with Dave and find that, yeah, you were being kind of embarrassing, but at least you didn't actually say anything too weird and she did seem to genuinely be enjoying talking to you?
Instead of messaging any of your other matches, you close the app and go back to chatting with Dave.
---
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TG: i know its 3am but you always seem to be awake at 3am so lol
TG: or wait its 1am for you i keep forgetting youre 2 hours behind
CG: EITHER WAY IT'S A FUCKING STUPID HOUR TO BE AWAKE BUT YES I AM INDEED NOT SLEEPING.
TG: do you ever sleep
CG: DO YOU?
TG: fair point
TG: anyway i was facebook stalking you because i cant fucking help myself and i found pictures of your scenekid phase
CG: OH MY GOD WHERE??? I THOUGHT I TOOK ALL THOSE DOWN.
TG: dude theres a whole album how did you not notice
TG: you cant tell anything under all those baggy clothes if thats what youre worried about
CG: THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT BUT NOW I AM.
She links you to the album and while she is right and you can't see any sign of your previously stupidly big chest, it's still embarassing because fuck your hair looks fucking awful.
CG: I HATE THESE AND I HATE THAT YOU FOUND THEM.
TG: lol wanna see my douchebag hipster phase it was way worse
TG: tit for tat my dude aint gonna let you be the only embarrassing one
Before you can tell her that she really doesn't need to show you anything she's going to be embarrassed about, she's sending a flood of different files.
The photos she sends you look so ridiculously unlike how she looks now that it's almost hard to believe it's the same person. The photos are indeed pretty embarassing, though, so you at least feel a little better about not being the only one who was fucking stupid as a teenager.
---
You call Kanaya up after you've been chatting with Dave for about a week.
"Kanaya, how do you know Dave?"
"Dave?"
"Yeah. You're friends with her on Facebook. Girl named Dave. Blonde, lots of freckles, wears giant sunglasses in most of her pictures."
"Oh! That Dave. She's Rose's cousin. I didn't know you two were acquainted."
You briefly consider making up some wild story about how you now also know Dave but Kanaya can always tell when you're lying. Everyone can actually. You're a terrible liar. "I uh. Matched with her. On Facebook. The dating part. It said we had you as a mutual friend."
"Oh, that's lovely! I told you it was a good idea to set up a profile there."
"It was absolutely not a good idea."
"No?"
You huff. "I mean it's stupid. Dave is fine though, I guess."
"That is exactly what everyone wants to hear from someone they met on a dating site, I'm sure. That they're fine 'you guess'."
You scowl. You know she can hear it over the phone even if she can't see you. "Oh shut up. Have you ever met her in person?"
"A few times but I don't know her that well, honestly. Rose is quite close with her, though, so I'm assuming she can't be that bad. Why? Are you worried about something?"
"Not really. Just wanted to make sure I'm not going to get catfished."
"Very doubtful. I assure you she is quite real."
---
Dave is... fucking weird, honestly. But she's also surprisingly sweet and the off-the-wall shit she says is kind of endearing and even if she doesn't think she's that funny, you always find yourself cracking up when the two of you stay up all night messaging one another.
It's also nice talking to somebody you know doesn't give a shit about you being trans. You've had way too many bad experiences with that on dating apps and the fact she understands is honestly great.
She's a little awkward the first time you ask to video chat but you're also fucking nervous once she actually agrees so you don't think too much about it.
What if she takes one look at your blotchy face and hangs up? What if she thinks your room is too messy and is grossed out? What if she sees literally any of your unattractive features that are way more obvious on video than in carefully selected photos and decides that naw, she doesn't actually want to keep talking to you?
You're so busy trying to get the right angle on your phone you almost miss it when she calls you.
"Way to keep me waiting, dude. I said I was calling now."
She looks. Pretty much exactly like her photos (the ones that she doesn't put ten layers of obnoxious filters on anyway). You can really only see her face, as she's got the phone held close to it, and whatever room she's in has shit lighting, but that's definitely her.
"Sorry for not answering the second my phone went off. Impatient much?"
"You know I ain't got any of that 'patience' stuff, darlin'."
"I'm unfortunately completely aware of that, yes."
There's a lull in the conversation and you worry for a second that ugh, what if you can't keep shit up when you're both actually face to face? "You uh," you scramble for a moment and then wait, shit, you knew something looked different about her. "You aren't wearing your sunglasses."
She shifts a bit and you notice that she appears to be laying on her bed. She props her chin up with a bright red pillow and then looks back at you through the screen. "Ah, yeah. Don't really need them so much if the light is dim."
You realize in that moment that you never even asked why she wore them all the time. You just (incorrectly) assumed it was some weird fashion preference. Now that you can see her eyes, the answer to that is obvious. "You know, you could have told me off for being an insensitive moron about the sunglasses since you actually need them."
She grins. "Naw."
"Naw?"
"Naw. You're cute when you're telling me I'm weird for posting pictures of me wearing sunglasses in the penguin exhibit at the zoo."
You know she's just teasing you but that doesn't stop you from blushing at being called cute. "Whatever. Does the light from your phone bother you?"
"Not really. Gonna be honest with you my dude, I really do just wear them to be cool sometimes. My eyes ain't totally sensitive to all light."
"Not sure if you're actually succeeding at 'being cool' but thank you for entrusting me with this secret of yours."
That gets a laugh out of her and you feel most of your tension fade away. You can totally do this. You can have a video call with this ridiculous idiot you've got a crush on and not fuck it up.
---
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TG: check out this new shirt i got
--TG sent file aroundtheworldin80mes.jpg--
CG: DID YOU BUY THAT OFF ONE OF THOSE STUPIDLY SPECIFIC FACEBOOK ADS?
CG: DON'T DO THAT IT JUST MAKES THEM SEND YOU MORE WEIRD ADS.
TG: yeah lol
TG: i have boughten so many at this point its a lost cause they got me for good
TG: do you like it though
TG: i got all dolled up to show you my weird new t shirt karkat where are my compliments
CG: YOU DID NOT GET ALL DOLLED UP.
CG: YOU'RE WEARING THE SAME PAJAMA BOTTOMS YOU WERE WEARING LAST NIGHT AND YOU CLEARLY JUST ROLLED OUT OF BED.
TG: wow rude
TG: came around fishing for compliments and all i found was sass
CG: PARDON ME. YOU LOOK LIKE A RADIANT GODDESS IN YOUR COFFEE-STAINED PAJAMA PANTS AND YOUR FRESH OUT OF THE BOX SHIRT THAT SAYS AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAVES. I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT ACKNOWLEDGING THIS SOONER.
CG: YOU DO ACTUALLY LOOK CUTE WITH YOUR HAIR LIKE THAT, IF YOU WERE GENUINELY FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS.
TG: i wasnt but thanks haha
TG: glad you think this rats nest is cute
TG: now tell me my tits look nice
CG: THAT SHIRT IS THREE SIZES TOO BIG FOR YOU AND YOU'RE HOLDING IT OUT SO THE TEXT IS MORE VISIBLE I GENUINELY CANNOT EVEN FIND YOUR TITS, DAVE.
TG: haha no one ever can i got mosquito bites
TG: you dont actually need to talk about my tits i was joking i know you cant see them but if you could oh man
TG: genuinely not much to look at but they try their best
CG: I'M SURE THEY DO.
---
One day while you're talking, Dave oh-so-casually mentions that she's going to visit a friend who lives a few hours from you next month.
You're pretty sure she's trying to imply that she also wants to meet up with you based on the fact that she starts rambling about how the flight is less than an hour and that's kind of dumb but she likes flying so she totally wants to see them rush through the beverage service in the 15 minutes they have between take-off and when it's time to get ready to land.
You know she's going to say yes because she's clearly hoping you'll ask but you're still a little anxious when you say, "Did you want to come see me too?"
"Hell yeah, great idea babe," she says. As if that wasn't what she wanted all along. "Not gonna invite myself to hang around forever but I can stay a few days."
"Yeah sure. I've got a futon in my office so you can just stay at my place if you want."
She doesn't even pretend like she doesn't want to put you out or offer to stay in a hotel instead. "Hell yeah, sleepover at Karkat's."
---
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
CG: KANAYA DAVE IS GOING TO COME STAY HERE FOR A WEEK WHAT DO I DO?
GA: Enjoy Spending Time With Your Girlfriend Maybe
GA: Just A Suggestion
CG: SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.
GA: Is She Not
GA: I Am Quite Sure Neither Of You Are Openly Flirting Or Online Dating Anyone Else
CG: SHE HASN'T SAID I CAN CALL HER THAT SO SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND YET.
GA: You Could Do Something About That Im Sure
GA: According To Rose She Is Absolutely Stupid About You
CG: UGH.
CG: JUST TELL ME HOW TO MAKE HER NOT THINK I'M A FUCKING LOSER WHEN SHE COMES HERE.
GA: Just Be Yourself
GA: Also Perhaps Clean Your Apartment
CG: I WAS AFRAID YOU'D SAY THAT.
---
tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TT: I hope I am messaging the correct person and that this is Karkat?
CG: DEPENDS ON WHO'S ASKING.
TT: Pardon the lack of introduction. This is Kanaya's girlfriend, Rose. I believe we've met before?
CG: OH, YEAH. HI.
TT: Hello.
CG: DID YOU NEED SOMETHING OR DID YOU JUST FEEL THE NEED TO MESSAGE ME OUT OF THE BLUE?
TT: Dave tells me that she'll be visiting you next week.
CG: YEAH, THAT'S THE PLAN.
CG: I PROMISE I'M NOT A MURDERER OR ANYTHING IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT.
TT: That sounds exactly like something a murderer would say.
CG: YOU CAN ASK KANAYA, I'M PRETTY SURE I'D MAKE A SHITTY MURDERER.
TT: I am joking with you, Karkat. Kanaya has more than vouched for you.
CG: OH. WELL THAT'S GOOD.
TT: Indeed. I would be quite distraught if my darling cousin got herself murdered by a man she met on the internet.
CG: PRETTY SURE SHE COULD KICK MY ASS IF I TRIED ANYTHING.
CG: WHICH I WON'T.
CG: BECAUSE I'M NOT A MURDERER.
TT: I believe you.
TT: I was not messaging you with any intention of threatening you anyway.
TT: I simply wanted to say hello and make sure you have my handle in case you ever need it while Dave is visiting.
CG: UH. ALRIGHT THEN.
TT: She lets her phone battery die often.
CG: I'VE NOTICED.
CG: IF IT DIES AND SHE IS UNREACHABLE I'LL BE SURE TO LET YOU KNOW.
TT: Lovely, thank you.
TT: I hope it doesn't actually need to be said, but do be kind to her when she visits. She'll pretend like she's not but she's really nervous to meet you in person.
CG: WELL I WASN'T PLANNING ON BEING A PRICK THE SECOND I FINALLY GET TO SEE HER.
TT: Any more than usual?
CG: HA HA HA
CG: IF SHE ACTUALLY THINKS I'M BEING A PRICK AND NOT IN THE WAY SHE FINDS FUNNY SHE HAS FULL PERMISSION TO PUNCH ME IN THE DAMN FACE.
TT: She is not actually that keen on violence but I'll be sure to let her know that.
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
---
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
CG: HEY SO I KNOW YOU'RE COMING TO SEE ME TOMORROW AND I'M PROBABLY JUST BEING AN OVERLY NERVOUS IDIOT.
CG: BUT IF YOU GET HERE AND DECIDE I'M LIKE. TOO UGLY OR RUDE FOR YOU OR MY APARTMENT SUCKS OR YOU JUST DON'T LIKE SLEEPING ON THE FUTON IN MY OFFICE I TOTALLY WON'T BE OFFENDED IF YOU WANT TO STAY SOMEWHERE ELSE OR JUST LEAVE ENTIRELY.
TG: naw dude you will totally be offended
TG: but thats not a problem because thats not gonna happen lol
TG: like what weve been talking for months ive seen your apartment on video chat i know what you look like im not gonna get there and just suddenly be like eh actually my online bf fucking sucks im outtie
TG: like i guess if you turn out to be a serial killer or something that might be a bit of a damper on things
CG: JUST A BIT?
TG: yeah dude i dont know maybe youre a serial killer but like its totally justified all completely legit murder
TG: also kanaya says youre like the least likely person ever to kill anyone despite all your blustery shouting and shes a legit lady i trust her
TG: shed also tell me if you were like secretly married or something oh shit unless she doesnt know
TG: karkat are you secretly married
TG: are you secretly married to THREE people are you a secret mormon
TG: idk if i could be a fourth wife i am definitely first wife material babe
TG: and only wife material that is the material i am made out of it
TG: wont judge your lifestyle but dont know if wed be compatible if you were a secret polygamist
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
CG: WAIT DID YOU JUST CALL ME YOUR BOYFRIEND.
TG: oh uh yeah fuck
TG: shoulda asked about that sorry we havent really like
TG: talked about that
TG: forget i said anything
CG: NO NO THAT'S FINE YOU CAN CALL ME YOUR BOYFRIEND.
TG: forreal?
CG: YES FORREAL. I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D WANT ME OF ALL PEOPLE BUT I'M NOT GOING TO QUESTION IT.
TG: hey now no negative self talk man
TG: youre the greatest karkat it is you
CG: IF YOU SAY SO.
TG: yeah i do fucking say so
TG: brb gonna go brag to everyone about having the greatest boyfriend now
CG: YOU ARE NOT.
CG: OH MY GOD STOP POSTING YOU ARE SO EMBARRASSING!
TG: dude you dont even know how embarrassing i can actually be gonna blow your mind once i see you tomorrow
TG: instagram isnt gonna know what hit it
TG: its your face btw your face is gonna hit it
CG: GREAT. SO EXCITED TO HAVE MY UGLY MUG PLASTERED ALL OVER YOUR INSTAGRAM.
TG: lol me too dude
TG: i should sleep so i dont miss my flight in the morning
CG: IF YOU MISS YOUR FLIGHT I'M GONNA BE PISSED. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU GOT SUCH AN EARLY ONE ANYWAY. THERE'S LITERALLY FLIGHTS ALL DAY LONG.
TG: dont worry your pretty little head ill be touchin down right on time and then ill be touchin you
TG: uh respectfully i will be respectfully touching you and only if youre cool with that
TG: i meant like being an embarrassing dork and holding your hand or some shit i promise i wont just start groping you at the airport
CG: THANKS BECAUSE I WAS REALLY WORRIED ABOUT THAT.
TG: were you really
CG: NO.
CG: I'LL PROBABLY EMBARRASS THE SHIT OUT OF YOU AND CRY LIKE A DUMBASS WHEN I SEE YOU SO SOME EMBARRASSING HANDHOLDING SHOULDN'T REALLY MAKE ANYTHING WORSE
TG: yeah that does seem like something youd do
TG: gonna have the romantic airport scene of our dreams my dude
CG: SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP.
CG: TEXT ME BEFORE YOUR FLIGHT LEAVES.
TG: yessir will do
TG: night
TG: <3
CG: GOODNIGHT <3
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
---
You do cry a little when Dave comes running over to you at the airport but at least part of that is from her accidentally running over your foot with her suitcase. It fucking hurts but at least you're temporarily distracted by her grabbing your face and kissing you.
She kind of ruins it by stepping on your toes but not really. "Is accidental foot injury part of the romantic airport tropes or...?"
"What do you think?"
"I'm gonna say yeah. Absolutely is a thing. We're living the dream right now."
"Would it be too sappy and sincere if I said we kind of were?"
"Yeah and I would be legally obligated to make fun of you. Just a little bit."
"Thought so."
Dave holds your hand all the way to the car and she only manages to knock her suitcase into walls instead of any actual people (or your poor foot again) so you're going to consider it a successful trip out of the airport.
---
As soon as Dave enters your apartment she looks around and whistles appreciatively (you think). "Damn. You really cleaned it up all nice."
"I legitimately do not want you thinking I'm a slob."
"I already know you're a slob. So am I."
"Still."
She tosses her suitcase down on the floor and you roll your eyes before picking it up. "I'm going to put this in my office. I know you won't be able to help yourself so you have my permission to go look around and touch everything."
"Hell yes."
You're not surprised when she immediately makes a beeline for your bedroom. "It's clean in here too! You really outdid yourself."
You didn't want to be presumptuous but. Well. You figured she'd be in there at some point, if only to go in and try and make fun of all the movie posters on your wall.
"If we bang in here I'm going to need to put a sheet over all these Adam Sandler posters. He is absolutely not allowed to lay his fake paper eyes on my ass."
That's. Goddamnit. "There is one poster with him on it in there. Were you even planning on 'banging' in there?"
"Never know what might happen." There is definitely a blush on her face, despite the fact that she got you both on that particular topic of conversation. "Legitimately I am coming here with no expectations but I ain't gonna say no if that's the direction things go in."
"I can just take it down if it's really bothering you."
"You know I'm just fucking with you. If the Sandman wants to see my ass, who am I to deny him?"
"You are so fucking weird."
You set Dave's suitcase down next to the futon in your office. You make sure said futon is properly set up for the 50th time. Fluff the pillows a little.
When you head into your room, you find Dave sprawled out on your bed.
"What are you doing?"
"It looked so comfy, I couldn't resist."
"If you're tired you can nap there, I don't care."
She rolls over and then sits up. "Naw. If I go back to sleep now I am legitimately gonna be useless all day. Could use some coffee, though."
"Well good thing half the shit in my kitchen is coffee."
"One of my favorite things about you, let's be real."
You make her coffee and it feels really nice for some reason? Just having her sitting there (on the counter, because of course she's sitting on the counter) while you fuck around with your shitty coffee machine. It feels familiar. Almost domestic. As if this isn't the first time you two are doing this.
You still feel nervous throughout the day but things are. Actually going pretty well. Just as Rose said, Dave does seem nervous as well but luckily you two are able to converse just as naturally and nonsensically in person as you've been able to over Pesterchum and video chats.
---
Dave sleeps on the futon the first night. You spend most of the night hoping it's not too uncomfortable and kicking yourself for not just offering her your bed instead? You should have slept on the futon. You're an asshole.
She doesn't say anything in the morning about it being uncomfortable at least. Quite the opposite, actually.
"Dude that futon was fucking magical. Your bed must be even more magical. How do you ever get out of it?"
Some days you legitimately do not. You know she already knows that. "It's a damn mystery, that's for sure."
"Mhmm." She decides to sit on your table this time while you make coffee. She looks ridiculous as she rocks one of your chairs back and forth with her foot. She's got on pajamas made out of fabric that features characters from the fucking stupid comic she apparently wrote when she was a teenager. Her hair is all over the place and there's a hair tie just kind of. Sitting in it. As if she put it up and then it came out in the night.
She's also obnoxiously beautiful and she's making you feel all kinds of sappy things that you know she'd definitely make fun of you for saying aloud.
"Did you want to do anything today?" you ask her. You didn't really plan anything for the visit. Maybe you should have planned some things to do? Fuck.
"Hmmm... oh! Take me to that park you're at sometimes when I call. The one with dogs. I want to see dogs. And that cat that's always there on its leash I need to meet the leashed cat."
You have no idea why she's so excited about a park but if there's where she wants to go, that's where you'll take her.
---
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
GA: It Looks Like You and Dave Are Having A Good Time
CG: I DON'T WANT ANY COMMENTS ABOUT THOSE RIDICULOUS PICTURES SHE KEEPS POSTING ON INSTAGRAM.
CG: THOSE AREN'T EVEN THE WORST OR MOST EMBARASSING ONES SHE TOOK. THEY'RE LEGITIMATELY THE BEST LOOKING ONES AND I KIND OF REGRET LETTING HER POST THEM.
GA: Oh Hush
GA: They Are Very Cute Pictures
GA: I Do Not Believe I Actually See Her Smile Like That Often
GA: Or You For That Matter
CG: THAT'S BECAUSE I LOOK FUCKING DEMENTED WHEN I SMILE.
GA: Not According To Dave
CG: WHAT IS SHE FUCKING SAYING ABOUT ME TO YOU???
GA: All Good Things I Swear
CG: UGH.
Dave is sitting next to you furiously tapping away at her phone. No doubt gossiping about you to Kanaya. Probably Rose too. You know she messages Rose at least once a day.
You can't find it in yourself to actually be offended about it if she's actually saying good things about you. "Stop gossiping about me to Kanaya," you say anyway.
"Nope."
"Not even trying to deny it."
"I am smitten and the world needs to know." She pauses and a blush rises to her cheeks, as if she is just realizing what she said.
You're smitten too, honestly.
"If you're going to tell the world, at least try not to be too ridiculous about it."
"Naw. I'm gonna post a bunch of heart emojis and talk all about the dokis."
"Not the dokis. Anything but that."
She leans over to kiss you instead of continuing to tap away at her phone and. Yeah. That is much better, honestly.
She sleeps in your bed that night. And the next. The futon remains utterly neglected during the rest of her visit.
---
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TG: yo i miss sitting on your non sitting furniture already im turning around and coming back
CG: I KNOW YOU'RE JOKING BUT ALSO I'D BE TOTALLY FINE WITH THAT.
TG: yeah haha flights are expensive and i gotta go back to work
TG: but forreal my ass is coming back for those counters
TG: your ass can come here for my counters too if you want
CG: I'M NOT A CRETIN WHO SITS ON PEOPLE'S COUNTERS BUT I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
TG: hell fucking yeah <3