Chapter Text
Kel didn't remember much of the month when Mari died.
He was just a kid back then, and right after his parents told him and Hero what had happened everything felt confusing and wrong; he didn't get all their words, but one thing he was sure of understanding: Mari wouldn't join their group anymore from then on.
The funeral was even more confusing. Lots of people were attending, many were adults that Kel didn't even recognize, and the only thing he could think was "why are they here if they didn't ever play with Mari?"
They were all mourning, but what had they lost? She was always with them, always spending her time with the group, so Kel couldn't just add up how those people could have spent their time with her.
And the one who probably had spent most of their time with her wasn't ever there.
Sunny wasn't there.
Aubrey was there
Basil was there
Hero was there
Sunny wasn't
Kel didn't understand. Kel was used to not understanding, everyone told him at least once in his life that he was being stupid, that some things were so simple and he should have been able to understand; so, he didn't ask, because he didn't want to be called stupid again.
So, when everyone had cried at least once during the whole ordeal, when Mari was buried and he hadn't shed a single tear, he didn't ask why.
He told himself that he was probably too stupid to understand suffering.
The only thing he understood was that there was too much dirt over Mari for her to ever come out again.
That made him feel something, something so strong that he didn't like, didn't like at all. A pain so pungent, so pervasive it took his breath away.
He promised himself he would try to avoid that sensation at all cost.
-
The day after the funeral, Kel went out as he usually did. Well, not exactly in the same way, he usually got out with Hero, but that day he hadn't seemed to want to get out of bed at all; so, Kel went out alone, and walked to Sunny (Sunny, just Sunny-)'s house.
That was the first day he knocked at that door.
When after a while no one answered, he got the point and took a step back, frowning a bit: maybe everyone was still sleeping, or tired, after all the day before was quite difficoult for everyone. Or maybe they had already exited the house, and they were having a walk together; after all, it was a sunny day, perfectly on point for Sunny to get back in action!
At that point, Kel hadn't understood what grief was, he didn't get why people would change so suddenly their habits to acknowledge their feelings.
Kel has always been used to go out with his friends, and he didn't know anything else.
He wasn't used to be alone, he wasn't supposed to
What the group would usually have done at that point of day was going to the park, and so he did.
But while he walked towards his destination, that sour feeling slowly crept back, it was in his throat, it was stinging and suffocating; so he started running, because maybe, just maybe, if he was fast enough that black smoke couldn't reach him.
Eventually he arrived to the park, which was actually not empty at all; many parents were accompanying their children, some boys too old for him to know were also there.
But he didn't see any skirt floating around, no flower crowns near the trees, no picnic rug on the slightly wet grass.
The park was full, full, full, but it was empty of what made it important to him.
Perhaps he hadn't run fast enough, because that feeling reached him soon enough, and Kel found himself rushing back home, where at least he could lock it away.
Everyday after that he repeated the same routine: get up, try to make Hero get up, fail, get dressed (even if sometimes he tried to skip that, but his parents would always catch him before he could go out with his pyjamas still on. He didn't even know why everyone made such a big fuss about it, clothes were clothes), go out, knock on Sunny's door to make him exit his own house, fail that too, the feeling is back, don't think about it, go to the park, see if there Basil or Aubrey were around, get tired of waiting, go back home.
Obviously there was school in between, but he really didn't like considering it part of his "routine": it wasn't like he was choosing to attend it.
He hadn't even noticed how in all that daily plan, meals weren't really included: he had gotten used to Hero helping their mom cook for breakfast, and Mari taking them out for a picnic for lunch on weekends.
Suddenly, none of that happened anymore, and Kel wasn't used to take care of it by himself.
He wasn't used to any of those changes.
He wasn't used to anything after Mari's death.
He wasn't used to run away from this monster that kept following him, that poked more and more insistently, and the pokes became chokes and the chokes became punches on his gut and his throat and his chest, and he wasn't used to it so he didn't know how else to react. He didn't understand, so he kept running, hoping that one day one of his friends would stop him and explain to him how to get rid of everything that had gotten so confusing in such a brief period of time.
Mari used to explain to him so many things he didn't understand
-
A week had passed, and on day eight since Mari's death Kel still hadn't seen any of his friends.
Before he could run out again, that morning his mom stopped him and crouched down, eyebrows slightly pinched. Kel didn't like seeing that expression on his mother's face, it usually meant he had done something wrong and he was going to get lectured for it; still, it was better than the constant sad frown she had kept for the whole week.
"Dear, why are you always such in a hurry? You should try and wait for your brother to get up too before going out like this..."
It was Kel's turn to pinch his eyebrows: Hero hadn't even gotten past the doorstep of their shared bedroom, if not to go to the bathroom. How was he supposed to wait for him?
"But mom, Hero doesn't want to get up! I try every morning, and I know he is awake, he just keeps ignoring me..." Kel pouted, crossing his arms over his puffed chest, to exhaggerate his disapproval "he is being mean...I just want to go out, why should I wait for him?"
At that point that frown was back on his mother's face, and he felt a pang of guilt.
"Your brother...is just copying in his own way. He has been really sad since Mari's passing..."
She locked her eyes with his, and Kel suddenly felt intimidated by her glare, like she was judging him and dissecting him piece to piece.
"Yeah...well, Sunny also hasn't been responding to my knocks, so he must be really sad too..." he quickly rambled, trying to fill the silence that weighted on him. Maybe that wasn't the right thing to say, because his mother's frown deepened
"Have you been knocking at their door every day?"
That didn't sound like a good tone of voice. Kel lowered his gaze and stared at his feet, moving them around a bit to ease his nerves; his breath felt restricted, he just wanted to run away from it...
The stretched silence seemed to give his mother's an answer, she sighed and put a hand on Kel's shoulder
"My baby...everyone is grieving, can't you see? You can't bother them in such a short time, they are probably too...devasted to take care of you. Your friend...Sunny...he seemed really attached to his sister, he is probably devasted..."
His lungs started tickling in a weird way, and he felt himself start sweating on his palms; he shook his hands a bit around, feeling more and more uneasy: what was the point of this? He was just feeling worse. He didn't want to feel worse.
"But mom- I just want them to be happy! Why can't they be happy?"
Kel saw his mom's expression turn from sad, to confused, to one that scared him, scared him so much because he hadn't ever seen it before being directed at him
"Aren't you sad Kel?"
The punch turned into a kick to his stomach, and his face felt really hot, his eyes were dry and it hurt to breath, and think, his hands were sweating so much, his legs couldn't stoo shaking because he needed to run, he needed to run far away, because it had found him again and it was gripping at him and it wouldn't let go unless he moved.
Bad bad bad, it was this big bad wrong feeling, that he didn't want to be feeling.
Mari's body inside a coffin
Kel stomped his foot hard on the ground, getting all tensed up.
"Being sad is just STUPID!"
He didn't even wait for his mother to respond, he shrugged her hand off of his shoulder and he run away from her, out of that house so infected and dark, slamming the door behind him.
Being sad was stupid.
He run fast, past Sunny's house, never stopping.
Being sad was stupid.
He got to the park in record time, but he didn't even stop to check if anyone was there, he knew he would find no one.
Being sad was stupid.
He run past that, past any place he had ever gone on his own, just straight ahead, until his lungs burned so much, and his stomach hurt so much, and his hands were sweating so much, and his head felt so hot, and his eyes were so dry, and his legs were shaking
but in a different way, everything in a different way. That feeling was no more.
He stopped at the middle of the road, panting hard; he felt people's eyes on him but he ignored them promply, trying to catch his breath.
Being sad was stupid.
But Kel has always been the stupid one, so maybe NOT being sad was stupid.
That feeling got back too fast again, he wasn't even done recovering. He started running back again anyway.
That day, he didn't come back home for lunch.