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For Sam to say he's been pining over his partner in crime for months now would mean he'd have to actually admit it to himself. Instead, Sam spends everyday shoving away any notion of feelings for the man James Bucky Barnes.
Sam can't like his friend, his partner, his roommate. Yes, they're living together. It's no surprise, at least that's what Sarah said when she found out.
"About damn time," Sarah shakes her head when he told her he got a place in D.C. with Bucky. "Now, when ya gonna ask him out?"
"For the last time, I don't like him like that," Sam denies for the thousandth time.
In reality, his heart pounds in his chest every time his sister utters the truth into the universe. He can't like Bucky, so he doesn't - at least, that's what he tells himself.
Maybe if Sam wasn't so busy denying everything, he could have picked up on the signs. Like the lasting stares or the day Bucky suddenly started wearing much tighter shirts. The unhurried lingering touches or the little things Bucky did around the house for Sam. But no, Sam Wilson was all denial and no brains thus he never noticed.
So it's no surprise the night Bucky makes a move on Sam, it comes as one hell of a shock to Captain America. In fact Sam stands there so stunned for so long after the brunette of his dreams kisses him unexpectedly that Bucky proceeds to freak out, rightfully so.
"Sorry," Bucky apologizes.
He's clearly assuming Sam's not happy about the contact of their lips when, in reality, Sam's mind is exploding internally. His heart racing so fast he feels like he could fall over. Every inch of his skin keeps tingling so much it's like he's vibrating. Bucky just kissed him.
But Sam's not supposed to like Bucky and therefore Bucky was never supposed to like him. This could mess up everything, their partnership, their friendship.
Sam's been silent for much too long that Bucky continues to fill with regret.
"Sam, look I'm sorry. I can explain. I won't do it again," Bucky begins stammering out apologies, trying to get a word out of the other man.
Finally, Sam gathers himself enough to take a breath and merely walk into the apartment. This move most definitely sends a new wave of panic over Bucky as he frantically follows Sam inside.
"Sam, please say something. I'm sorry, really, I would take it back if I could. Why aren't you saying anything?"
Sam finally puts his hand up.
"It's fine, I was just thrown off," Sam states simply as if that wasn't the moment he's been fantasizing about for months.
Bucky is an absolute wreck, seemingly regretting his entire life.
"Do you want me to leave?"
"You live here," Sam chuckles.
"Yeah, but..."
"Don't be ridiculous man, it's all good," Sam waves it away like it's nothing when really it's everything. Bucky kissed him.
"Are you mad?" Bucky asks.
"Not at all," Sam smiles and he wonders himself how he's being so chill. How even now he doesn't give in to everything he wants, but instead he continues to be the most stubborn man in existence.
Bucky's brows furrow.
"But you didn't... like it?" Bucky questions confused.
"The kiss?" Sam smiles wider like this is all a funny game.
"Yeah?"
"I mean, I'm... " Sam begins and this is the moment. The moment Sam doesn't realize he's about to utter the biggest lie of his life and then regret it exponentially because it will spiral into an indescribable mess leaving him trapped in his own misery that only he himself caused. The words flow right out, "I'm just not attracted to you."
The words feel so unnatural even leaving Sam's body. He's not sure what's wrong with him, it's like he's on rejection auto-pilot. He needs to deny, reject, pretend this never happened. Then all will be okay, nothing will turn complicated. Boy, is he wrong.
Bucky's face falls tremendously at the revelation. The look alone makes Sam want to take it back, makes him want to die for ever saying it.
It's not even true, he drools over the man in front of him in more ways than he'd ever care to admit.
"Oh... oh, okay. Sorry," Bucky says sheepishly.
"I...," Sam almost begins to take it back. Although how can he take it back?
How can a person say they're not attracted to someone and a minute later change their mind?
"Sorry, I thought - wrong. I gotta-," Bucky stutters before darting to his room.
Sam hears the door close and physically drops to the floor. His face falls into his hands.
He's the dumbest man alive.
Nothing gets better after the ultimate lie is spoken by Sam Wilson. Everything gets far worse.
For the tiniest sliver of time, Sam thinks he's in the clear when the next morning Bucky is acting normal, talking to him like nothing happened. It's not until a day later, Bucky casually admits he's joined a dating app.
Sam's heart sinks for a multitude of reasons but of course, he's not going to act on his feelings. That would be positively insane.
Things take a terrible turn when Bucky is swiping on the Quinjet and expresses his apparent frustrations with the digital dating world.
"Damn, you should see these guys, they're all too... perfect," Bucky groans like this is such a burden.
Sam swallows his jealously.
"What?" Sam scoffs.
"They must all be models. How am I gonna compete with them?" Bucky sulks.
The words weigh Sam down until he's suffocating in remorse. He made Bucky think he's not attractive enough, he did that. Shit, he needs to make this right somehow.
"Don't say that, you're-," Sam begins but Bucky swiftly cuts off the oncoming compliment.
"Maybe it's the hair," Bucky sighs.
"What?" Sam shakes his head baffled.
The man's hair is a work of art. If anyone has a problem with those rich brown locks, they're the problem.
"Maybe I only look good with long hair," Bucky reasons thinking it through while he's still swiping through the app.
"No, Buck you look-," Sam helplessly tries to correct but gets interrupted once more.
"I never should've cut it," Bucky mopes.
Sam lets out a huff of frustration. He can't even get a compliment in. How is he ever going to right this wrong?
This torture of misery only continues.
One day, Sam finds Bucky fixing his hair in the bathroom mirror.
"Looks good," Sam remarks, attempting to rectify the new doubts regarding his hair.
Bucky only frowns at the acclaim, still staring at his reflection.
"I have a date," Bucky grumbles, clearly not happy about it.
Sam's stomach drops.
He wishes he could tell Bucky not to go but it's not like he's offering him anything instead. Why on earth would Bucky listen to him? Sam's only insulted the man far beyond repair.
"Really, um congrats. Heh, I mean uh, who's the guy?" Sam stumbles through the lamest sentence of his life but Bucky doesn't even make fun of him for it.
Prior to the shit show Sam has constructed, Bucky would have cracked a lopsided grin and teased Sam endlessly for it. Today, nothing.
Sam has officially ruined their banter... their friendship? God, why did he have to open his stupid mouth and falsify the most incorrect statement of his life? He would have much preferred to grab Bucky and pull him into a soaring, ever lasting kiss but apparently Sam Wilson only likes living in hell and watching things get worse and worse and worse.
In the time Sam is relentlessly chastising himself in his head, Bucky has pulled up a picture on his phone. It's the dating profile of the man he must be going out. The man is thin, wearing large glasses and has stringy hair. He's not what Sam expected especially for Bucky.
"He looks a bit nerdy," Sam judges inadvertently.
Bucky snatches his phone back and throws it into his pocket.
"Yeah well, I think he's more my league."
Fuck, there it is again. The descending belief of worth that Sam undeniably caused single-handedly. Sam's heart clenches painfully.
"What are you talking about? You could get a guy way better than that," Sam battles.
Bucky shakes his head, finally tearing his eyes away from the mirror and stepping out of the bathroom past Sam.
"I don't think I can," Bucky huffs more annoyed than dejected.
"You could get anyone," Sam argues and he's happy he's at least getting a fighting word in this time.
Bucky stops short to stare back at him with a look Sam can't even describe. It's awful - hopeless, miserable.
"Not anyone," Bucky refutes solemnly.
He walks to the door to grab his keys and leave for his date.
Sam stands alone wanting the universe to eat him alive. How could he have made this bad of a mistake?
This eternal hell goes on for weeks and every time Bucky sighs, muttering something negative about his looks or potential, Sam crumbles into a pathetic mess. He's the cause of this but he can't seem to figure out how to fix the horrid fabrication he's uttered.
How could he simply change his mind and what, admit he's had feelings for the guy for months? Confess he's been terrified by how much he's so embarrassingly infatuated with the super soldier he lives with? That would be ridiculous, wouldn't it?
Well, hell finally freezes over when Sam can't take it anymore and does just that.
They're on a mission sharing a dingy motel room with two beds.
It's late, they're both tired and have just gotten into their respective beds. Sam turns out the light and it's quiet for a while. He doesn't expect conversation but Bucky breaks the silent air.
"Can we go back to normal?" Bucky asks.
Sam freezes, his chest tight as rocks, his throat dry as the Sahara.
"What, we are normal? What are you talking about?" Sam dismisses the best he can.
They're not normal, nothing's normal and Sam is terrified it never will be again. He's not sure how much more guilt he can drown in.
Apparently, there's some more left because Bucky decides to get honest tonight and Sam is so unbelievably not ready for it.
"It's been different ever since I kissed you."
"No, I don't think so," Sam rejects - deny, deny, deny.
He hears Bucky take a slow breath in, the sound is heartbreaking. What he's done to this man, he's never regretted anything more in his life.
Bucky proceeds to make Sam feel worse.
"I won't ever do it again, I promise," Bucky swears softly.
Another painful clench of his heart attacks Sam. Jesus, he'd do anything to stop this. Do anything to make Bucky feel so worthy, so loved.
"I'm not mad, nothing is weird. We're fine." Sam continues to lie.
He should win an award for lying, he never even knew he could be so good at living in denial.
The next admission spoken by the brunette officially kills Sam.
"I feel so stupid."
"W-what, why?"
"That I thought you liked me. I guess I don't know what the signs are... anymore," Bucky expresses regretfully.
Sam can't answer, he's never been so overwhelmed with guilt in his life. He physically can't speak to tell the man how wrong he is.
"I'm sorry," Bucky adds softly, driving the knife deeper into Sam's heart.
That does it, that's the last straw that breaks the camel's back. The last heartbreak that sends Sam into an uncontrollable spiral of admission.
"Stop okay just stop!" Sam shouts throwing the blanket off his body and storming over to the other bed.
Bucky sits up abruptly and switches the light back on.
"What?"
Sam pushes his fingers into his throbbing temples.
"Stop apologizing and thinking you're not attractive! This is all my fault, you're so unbelievably attractive and handsome, you're fucking gorgeous! I've liked you for months, okay! I'm sorry, I'm a horrible person! This is all my fault! Please, stop apologizing - please!" Sam completely breaks down, his voice shattering with how loud he's yelling.
He realizes he's panting a bit when he's done, so consumed with anger and pain, he wants to die.
"Wait - what?" Bucky finally speaks after a long stretch of stunned silence.
"I panicked when you kissed me. I shouldn't have, but I - I didn't want to mess things up. I don't know why, I just lied like an idiot and said I wasn't attracted to you," the confession spills out of Sam in a heavy stream.
Bucky shakes his head, astounded.
"But then you-" he begins.
Sam knows what he's about to say.
"I know, I kept it going for weeks because I'm an idiot. This is why you shouldn't be with someone like me. I'm actually the worst person to ever exist! I'm so sorry Bucky, really I am. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I need you to stop thinking you're ugly or not worthy of-" Sam's rambling on so much he barely notices Bucky get out of the bed until he's being kissed.
Bucky's kissing him again. How is this possible, how is Sam being allowed the most glorious feeling of Bucky Barnes's lips on his when he just confessed to being such a horrible person?
Bucky draws back and Sam's lips tingle uncontrollably.
He doesn't deserve this, he doesn't deserve perfect, precious Bucky.
"Don't freak out. I know, I just promised I'd never-" Bucky starts, but Sam can't let him fucking finish that sentence. This man actually forgives him?
Sam lunges forward and pulls him into another heated kiss.
He's melting, absolutely melting into a literal puddle at how long he's waited for this, how much he's always wanted to enjoy this and savor every little taste of his partner's delicious, pink lips.
Bucky is kissing him back, pulling him close with hands grabbing onto Sam's waist.
Sam's breathless, deepening the kiss and threading his fingers into Bucky's flawless hair.
Sam breaks for a moment to catch his breath.
"I'm so sorry, you're literally so hot," Sam breathes apologetically.
Bucky laughs and Sam swallows the beautiful sound with another kiss.
He can't help himself, he finally gets to kiss the man of his dreams.
No way, he's ever going to stop.