Chapter Text
“Killing zombies?”
Sam shrugged. “Surviving them,” he corrected. “You can’t actually attack this group. You just defend against them.”
“That’s dumb,” his brother said through his mouthful of nachos. “Zombies attacked our house, I’d definitely go on the offensive.”
He rolled his eyes but kept his focus on his computer screen. “Yeah? I think you’d probably just hide in your room till I told you it was all clear.”
“I could hunt some zombies, Sam.”
“We’re better off not knowing for sure.”
Dean scowled at him. “I’d hunt. I’d hunt anything.”
“I can’t even get you to tackle the dishes.”
“Dishes suck. Zombies would be awesome.”
“How come you don’t play with me? I’ll get the guild to let you in. Protect you till you build up. Come on. It’ll be fun.”
But Dean was already wandering out of the room with his food. “Sounds like a nerdy waste of time to me. Call me when there are real zombies.”
Sam typed into the chat, asking if any of his guild-mates had ever fantasized about their sibling being killed off by a bad taco. He enjoyed the dark humor replies. “Hey!” he called. “Want to see something fun?”
“If it’s zombie splatter, I’ve seen you play this game enough to be familiar.” But he edged up behind Sam’s desk.
“No. It’s cute. Watch the chat.”
“Why are they talking about tacos killing people?”
Sam snorted. “Ignore that. Watch.” He typed a quick question. “Angel, you there? How’s your kid doing in gymnastics?”
“What the hell?”
“Wait for it.”
Suddenly, amidst all the chatter about Mexican food, a flood of messages, one after another, replete with emojis, came through from a player called DadstielAngel.
“Doing so great, Moose! ♥️♥️♥️”
“Thanks for asking!”
“Don’t know if she’s going to stick with it.”
“She should though! 🥰 She’s so good!”
“Should see her do trampoline-No clue what she’s supposed to be doing, but it looks good to me! 😆”
“Moose, you don’t have kids, right?”
“You should! Best thing ever. She’s amazing! ♥️”
Dean began to laugh. “Angel sounds like a good mom.” Then he squinted at the screen. “Oh! Dad? Is that…”
“He’s a divorced gay dude who has custody of his daughter except on weekends. He’s great. He immediately adopts every new player like it’s his job. He adopted me when I was learning almost a year ago. He just loves when somebody thinks to ask him about his real kid. He can go on for hours if you let him. And he always adds that part, that we should all get kids of our own. Every now and then, one of the other guys who’s also a dad will pipe up, and it just turns into this whole situation. It’s so funny, all these hardcore gamers, killing zombies and gushing about their kids playing softball.”
His brother snickered. “Okay,” he admitted. “That’s pretty cute. You ever talk to any of these guys outside of the game?”
Sam shook his head. “Nah. That’s just weird. But Angel, he has a few of their numbers, so he can text them if they’re getting attacked online or something, so they can jump on and defend themselves.”
“Doesn’t Angel have a job?” Dean smirked as he bit into his nachos again.
“Dude! You’re getting chip crumbs everywhere. Yeah, Angel works. He just works two twenty-hour shifts doing security on the weekends, so he’s bored all week.”
“Two twenties. Damn. That sounds like it sucks.”
“Two twenties in a row. He goes home to sleep for six hours between them. He likes it okay, says it’s kind of boring, but it lets him be available for his kid throughout the week.”
“And the game.”
“And the game. He games through his shifts at work. Says if he’s got to monitor six screens, he may as well have a seventh open.”
Dean laughed. “I’m going to go look for a security job that lets me game all day. Have fun killing zombies.”
Sam gave him a short wave, then turned back to the chat. “Angel, my brother is jealous of your job.”
“The one you want to choke on a taco?”
He chuckled. “Yeah. I live with him, and he’s obnoxious. But he’s a good guy.”
“How could anyone related to you not be?”
Sam smiled. He liked how genuine the guy always was when he said things like that. It made it even more fun to tease. “What, obnoxious?”
“No! 😳 A good guy!”
He sniggered quietly. “I’m heading into the battlefield. Anyone want to come with?”
A few of the others shrugged out, but Angel stepped up. “I could go with you. ☺️”
He couldn’t help smiling. He had never, in all these months of playing, known Angel to not offer to help someone with any aspect of the game. Once the battlefield screen loaded, he put on his headset. “You there?”
“I’m here,” the incredibly deep voice murmured. “You lead. Do you need any buffs?”
Angel always gave the lead to the other player. Leading inevitably meant more rewards. Even though Angel was stronger than just about any other guild member, he always stepped back to follow, so that the other player received the higher rewards. “I’m good,” Sam said with a smile. “Thanks, man.”
“Keep an eye on the one in the purple. It’s a new element. Not sure about it yet.”
Sam laughed. “You mean there’s a part of the game you don’t know?”
“I know enough to keep my eye on it,” came the dry response.
They played in tandem for a few minutes, speaking only to warn one another of an approaching horde or to offer healing. Once they were in their rhythm, he heard Angel clear his throat.
“Moose?“
“Yeah, man.”
“Thanks for always asking about my girl. Really.”
He smiled. “Yeah, of course. She sounds like a great kid. And she’s got a great dad.”
“I know I monopolize the chat sometimes. Some of the others send me the little rolling eye emoji.”
“Ignore it. You know everyone loves you, Angel. They just like to tease.”
The man was quiet for a time, then cleared his throat again. “I got a message from one of the players the other day.”
“Yeah?”
“Telling me to…He said I shouldn’t…”
Sam began to frown. “What did he say?”
Angel gave a soft laugh. “Doesn’t matter. He joined a new guild the next day, so it isn’t…”
“Angel?”
“I just wanted to say thanks again. For you, you know, always asking me about being a dad. Because I’m grateful that people like you…Anyway, I like being able to be myself here, and that guys like you like me for who I am. It’s nice not to have to watch everything I say. Doesn’t matter. Hey, watch that red thing on the side there. You want healing?”
Sam was playing automatically, without really seeing anything, and he realized he had allowed himself to take too much damage. “Yeah,” he choked out. “Yeah, heal. Thanks.”
“Yeah. Those red ones are a bitch. Use the grenade booster if they get too close again. It’ll keep them back. I’ll see if I can draw off a few of them too.”
“Yeah.” He licked his lips. “What did the guy say to you?”
“Gonna heal your side troops. You lose them, you’re done.”
“Angel?”
“It doesn’t matter, okay? I just get to where I forget I don’t actually know any of you, and I say personal things I probably shouldn’t, and…”
“Was it about you being gay?”
There was another pause, then: “It was about how gay men shouldn’t have kids. That…whatever gay guys do, that’s fine, but we shouldn’t be dads. That whoever gave Claire to me to raise was…That it amounts to-to child abuse, to let a guy like me raise a kid.”
Sam flinched, and he found that he couldn’t continue to play. “Angel, I’m so sorry!”
“Moose, you’re being attacked! On the right!”
“I don’t care!”
“I care! You’ve put a lot of effort into building those troops up! Go on! I’m healing you; you need to get them out of there. Grenade. Now.”
So Sam did as he was told.
When the immediate danger was over, Angel spoke again, in an anxious laugh. “Don’t let some stupid story about a dick troll get you killed.”
“It’s not stupid! It’s infuriating! Angel, why didn’t you tell us? We would have burned that guy right off the server!”
“And what good would that do?” he said softly. “It doesn’t matter, Moose. I just wanted to say thank you for…I don’t know.”
Sam’s cheeks were burning hot in anger. “Angel, I’m going to give you my number, okay?”
“You-you don’t have to do that. I didn’t mean for you to-Moose, you don’t give anyone your name, let alone your number. It’s okay. I don’t need anything.”
“I do. Okay? I’m sending you my number in a private message. Call me, okay?”
“Moose…”
“It’s Sam.” With that, he pulled back all of his troops and logged off the game entirely.
Anxiety ate at him for several minutes while he stared at the phone. Sam didn’t talk to people in real life, and he certainly didn’t talk to strangers. The most socializing he ever did was on this game. It had taken him months to even don a headset. It had been Angel who had coaxed him into participating in the typed chat at all. The man had just been so relentlessly friendly.
He thought about the way he had tried to keep to himself in the beginning, attending events but not speaking unless it was to answer a question asked directly to him. Every mass horde event, there was Angel, asking how everyone was doing, whether anyone needed anything, calling out individual guild members one at a time. How was Jessica’s new job? Did Break need a heal pack? Hadn’t Deadly broken her foot a week back; was that healing okay? Was DrCrowley still hosting his mom that week; that could be so difficult sometimes, and FreakingSolo could probably relate to mom troubles, couldn’t he? That was another thing Angel did. He brought players together to chat between themselves, like a preschool teacher with shy children. He had done the same with Sam and a quiet kid called RUOb1, and now he and Andy chatted almost every day. Angel had just mentioned in the chat, “Moose, didn’t you say once that you loved Star Wars? Ob1, are you on right now? Tell Moose your theory about free will among the droids.” And that was it. A friendship was born.
The idea that anyone could possibly be hateful to Angel, of all people, just burned Sam up. The guy used all his own account’s resources to help build up new players, and shrugged off any attempts at paying him back or returning the favor in other ways. “Just be nice to the next new player,” he always said happily. Angel was the player every player wanted at their side for a battle or just for company.
That didn’t mean Sam wasn’t beginning to literally sweat at the notion of speaking on the phone with him. Somehow it was different from the headset. He didn’t know why.
When the phone finally rang, he grabbed it immediately, then stared for several beats. It was stupid just how high his anxiety was. He was already formulating plans about how to get off the phone, before he even answered it.
“Hello?”
There was only silence on the other end.
He took a breath. “Angel? Is that you?”
“It’s Cas,” the deep voice muttered. “Castiel.”
“Cas…what?”
“Castiel. That’s why…”
“Dadstiel. That’s cute.” Cute. God, did he sound like an idiot? He probably did.
“Listen, Sam, I didn’t tell you about that player to upset you. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
He frowned and stood to pace. Somehow talking on the phone was easier when he paced. “You should have brought it up as soon as it happened. Who was it? What’s the player’s handle?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter!” he insisted. “Listen. It’s important to show people like that-“
“I don’t want to cause trouble on the server, Sam. Just let it go.”
He shook his head. “Angel, guys like that need to see that the rest of us don’t agree with them. Okay? It’s important. They need to see people like you getting support from a bunch of people. You can’t let them-Remember the time that Brady guy was harassing Jess and we all came down on him with a united front? He backed off immediately, and we never heard anything from him again! And everyone in the universal chat was saying how our guild stood up for the right things, that we picked the right fights. Enemy guilds were offering Jess support, remember? The DMN and HVN guilds agreed about something for once, remember? Everyone was saying they weren’t going to let guys like Brady come on and ruin the server with their shit, that this was a safe place for female gamers.”
“That was different.”
“Why? Maybe we don’t take it to that level, okay, but at least let me and the guys in SVD back you up!”
Castiel sighed. “Sam, I don’t want…Thank you. Okay? Truly. I’m grateful that you’re angry on my behalf. But I don’t want to know…”
He dropped onto the couch with a severe frown. “What?”
The deep voice was emotional now. “I don’t want to find out who else might feel the same way,” he whispered. “Please just let it go. If it comes out, if I said anything in chat about it, I just…I can’t stand to find out that some of the others we play with feel the same way Haze did.”
“Haze?” Sam let his mouth fall open. “Break was the one who said that to you? But he’s been with us for as long as I’ve been playing!”
“I’ve been playing with HazeBreak for two years now. He never said anything before. But I was…I was talking about-about looking into some…some therapy for Claire, because she has nightmares. And Haze came over my private messages and…and he said he had some theories about why Claire needs therapy.”
A hot flush of anger roiled through him. “Angel, I’m so sorry!”
Castiel was sucking in little gasps of air, fighting against tears. “She needs more than therapy. She needs a real family, with-with a mother, and it-it makes him sick every time I talk about her in game, because-because I might be a good guy, but I’ll never be a real father. That being gay is fine, but it should disqualify me from having a child. Whoever…whoever signed off on me getting Claire is…is going to hell, because it’s child abuse to…I’m sorry. I can’t.”
Sam’s chest seized and he couldn’t take a full breath. “Cas, I’m so sorry! How can someone who ever had even a single conversation with you think you’re not what every dad should be?”
“She has nightmares because I’m keeping her from being part of a real family.”
“Jesus, Angel!”
Castiel sniffed. “It doesn’t matter,” he murmured again. “It’s just that I’ve been a part of this group for two years, and had no idea that Haze felt that way. That he’s disgusted when he hears me talk about my family. So…so I don’t think I can handle finding out he’s not the only one. He left the guild right after. I don’t have to talk to him anymore. So I just want it to be over. I only even brought it up to you because you have always been the opposite. You always tell me what a good dad you think I am. And you were saying that in the chat, at the moment I was getting all those messages from HazeBreak. I could look at both sides of my screen, see the private messages rolling in, and yours in the group chat, and I was so…so incredibly grateful for you in that moment.”
“I want to kill Break. After everything you did for him! For all of us!”
“It’s just a stupid game, Sam.”
The voice sounded hollow to him, and he flinched with it as much as with the words themselves. “It’s not just the game, Cas. You opened up and let everyone see who you are, and someone hurt you for it. That’s wrong. It’s in your damn name, Cas! DadstielAngel! That’s how important being a dad is to you! It’s part of your identity in an anonymous world! How can someone…” He sighed. “I’m sorry that happened, Cas. And-and I won’t tell anyone, okay? But you gotta know, most of us do not feel that way. We love your stories about your kid, about trips you two take, about her activities and stuff.”
He snorted. “I don’t know why I go off on tangents about it. I just…don’t have very many people to talk to. In real life, you know? I don’t have any remaining family. My job is solitary. And…and the other thing.”
“What other thing?”
He laughed quietly. “It doesn’t matter. Just…medical stuff. My situation is…different. And so when I get onto the game, that’s the only time I ever actually talk to anyone. I guess I get carried away when someone gives me an opening about Claire.”
He smiled. “Consider me just being online an opening, Cas. Okay? Seriously. I love hearing you talk about your kid. Imagine if every dad loved their time with their kid as much as you do. World would be a better place if every kid had a dad like you.”
“Thank you,” he said breathlessly. “It’s hard. It’s really hard, with-with the other thing I’ve got going on. And escaping onto this stupid game is important to me. I wanted to quit when I saw Break’s messages. But then I saw what you said too. Figured I would try again for a few more days. I can always still quit if I want to. But guys like Moose are the reason I keep coming back. You know?”
“Cas? You’re in my time zone. I know that much. But where are you?”
The man laughed again, and this time there was less of a choke to it. “Oh. Nowhere you’ve ever heard of. Little town in Kansas. Middle of nowhere. Barely on the map.”
His smile began to spread. “Try me.”
“Closest city is Lawrence. But I’m about twenty miles south, toward nowhere.”
“Near Bailey?”
Castiel sounded shocked. “Yes! I mean, no, but near there! How did you know?”
“Cas, I’m on the south end of Lawrence myself. My brother and I play softball against the Bailey fire department.”
“I’m just east of that! Sam…”
“We should get together one day! Will you let me buy you a drink some night? We can go to Rico’s, get Claire a cheeseburger, and I’ll get us some beers, and she can play mini golf while we chat!”
“I can’t believe you’re so close! I would love that!” He sighed happily. “Moose, I would really love that.”
Sam laughed. “You can’t call me Moose offline, dude. It’s Sam.”
“Sam.”
“I know you work all weekend. What about Friday night?”
“This Friday night?”
“Why not? I’m dying to know what the most badass guy on the server actually looks like in person.”
He snorted. “Spoiler alert. Not so badass,” he said in a wry, quiet voice.
“But I bet Claire is,” he teased.
“She’s definitely the most badass kid on the playground. That’s true.”
“Of course she is. Text me what time you think you can get together! This is going to be great!”
“Moose? Sam. Thank you. Really. For everything. I don’t think I realized how much I needed…”
He grinned. “A friend? You got it, man. Text me, okay?”
“Yes, Sam.”
Sam hung up the phone and smiled at it for a moment, before a movement behind him startled him. “Dean! How long have you been standing there?”
The man was leaning on the wall with his arms folded across his chest with a patient smirk on his face. “Since my socially inept, geeky brother asked one of his gamer friends out on a date.”
His eyes widened, and his face fell. “I did not.”
“Let me buy you a drink. Did you not say that?”
“I…” Suddenly, Sam couldn’t remember what he had said. He looked up at Dean in horror. “I don’t know! Did I say that?”
Dean began to snicker. “You’re ridiculous.” He turned to head back into his own bedroom.
“No! Really! Did I say it like that? Dean?” He groaned and dropped his forehead into his palm. What the hell was he thinking?