Archive of Our Own

There's nothing worse than watching someone you love fall in love with someone else. This is his problem. Seonghwa falling into the arms of a far more receptive Hongjoong isn't the fault of his hyung when he's been too emotionally stunted to confess his feelings for his precious hyung. It's bittersweet watching the two clearly fall in love. The tender touches and affectionate gazes shared between them reminded him he missed his chance.

"You're being stupid," Wooyoung tells him bluntly.

He knew he shouldn't have come to Wooyoung. There's no sympathy in his hyungs eyes.

"I am not!" He argues back, even though he agrees.

"Yes you are," Wooyoung says sharply. "You've not learned anything since you've been around San and I, have you?"

"What was there to learn?" He asks, feeling confused.

Wooyoung smacks his shoulder. "I'm serious. You were so quick to call me out on my crush because you could see us both pining over one another like lovesick fools."

"You were not that subtle, hyung. You were always touching," he grimaces.

Wooyoung gives him a blank expression. "You're grossed out by us, but you want to touch Seonghwa hyung and Hongjoong hyung."

"No I don't," he refutes quickly. He wants to touch Seonghwa, not Hongjoong…although he wouldn't mind having more of their leader's affection.

Wooyoung huffs out, clearly exasperated with his romance woes. He sits on the bed next to him and stares at him. "Jongho, I'm telling you this as a friend, not as your hyung," he says, "you need to open your eyes and get out of your feelings because they're entirely self-inflicted."

Okay, harsh, but Wooyoung seems serious and his hyung is never intentionally cruel even if he can be blunt.

"I don't know what that means," he admits.

"Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, watch the hyungs through the same lens you did with Sannie and I." Wooyoung instructs. He stands back up, "Now leave me. I need to make myself pretty for our date tonight."

"You already are though," he replies.

Wooyoung stares at him through the mirror. "Thank you, maknae-yah, but you can't stay here."

He sighs. At least he tried. He leaves Wooyoung to his primping and trails out to the living area. Much to his unfortunate luck, Seonghwa is sitting on the couch with a book in hand.

His hyung looks up and sends him a sweet smile. "Hey."

"Hi hyung. What're you reading?" He asks, sitting down one the loveseat.

"A cookbook," Seonghwa raises the book to show him the cover, "it has a lot of useful tips."

"Oh cool," he says.

Seonghwa resumes reading. His hyung looks so pretty basked in the light of dusk. The warm sunlight frames his hyungs body casting him in an angelic glow. His hyung by all means is an angel and he's convinced there's an invisible halo above his head at all times.

His hyung is gentle and patient, while being silly and good-natured about their members teasing and playfulness. It's no hidden secret they all adore Seonghwa, and at one point in time harbored more feelings for the elder. The problem is his feelings never left.

Neither had Hongjoong's apparently.

Frankly, he was no competition when it came to their leader. Hongjoong is charismatic and bold. He's disciplined and humble. He is kind and equally mischevous. He was smart and witty, clever in a way where his tongue was sharp but the smile that followed warm and comforting. Hongjoong was born to become an idol.

He didn't like to compare himself to his leader. He was too different from Hongjoong that it would be unfair to both of them to go down that rabbit hole.

He's not surprised Seonghwa's fallen for the affections of Hongjoong. Their friendship has always been close, bordering on the traditional push-and-pull. The last few months Hongjoong's been far more receptive to Seonghwa's touch, and they've gone on multiple Matz dates. The members and himself could clearly see it for what it was. Seonghwa and Hongjoong we're falling in love, slowly but surely exploring those new feelings in a way that was hesitantly tender and beautifully sweet to watch.

He knows he missed out on his chance with Seonghwa. At one point he was aware that Seonghwa harvested feelings more than the hyung-dongsaeng dynamic the eldest typically tried to maintain with him. It was poor timing for him. The stress of their promotions and his own internal struggles with his sexuality blocked any chance of him accepting the tentative feelings of his oldest hyung.

With a few years having passed, he's glad that Seonghwa allowed him the space to figure himself out without forcing a relationship, but he can't fault his hyung for not waiting for him either. They never discussed it, but it was something mutually unspoken and agreed.

It seems his timing is never right.

Hongjoong joins them in the room. His hyung gently caresses the back of his neck in an unusual display of gentleness toward him as he passes. He watches Seonghwa set his book down and smile at Hongjoong as he sits down beside him.

Hongjoong and Seonghwa's hands are like magnets. If they're in the same vicinity, they immediately clasp to one another.

"What are you up to?" Hongjoong asks.

"Reading this cookbook," Seonghwa answers.

"What about you, Jongho?" Hongjoong asks.

"Nothing, really. I was kicked out of Wooyoungie hyungs room since he's getting ready for his date with San," he says.

"Ahh," Hongjoong says, "those two."

"It's sweet," Seonghwa playfully defends.

Hongjoong smiles finally at Seonghwa. "No, it is. I'm just…used to it by now?"

It's fair of his hyung to say that. Wooyoung's always been drawn to Sans praise and affection and would stress over his appearance before they were even an official couple. Yeosang has plenty of war stories to share about the tumultuous time.

"What are we going to do tonight? I think that Yunho and Mingi are going to play games and Sangie is spending time with a friend who's visiting Seoul," Hongjoong recounts.

"Jongho? Did you have plans?" Seonghwa asks him.

"Oh, no." He didn't think to make any. They have a rare Saturday night off and he completely neglected to make plans with his friends.

"Do you want to get some barbecue with us?" Seonghwa asks, a small smile on his face, "It'll be our treat."

He's not one to turn down the offer of a free dinner, but he's also not sure he wants to spend such intimate time with his hyungs where he'll be reminded of his unrequited feelings.

"Say yes," Hongjoong says, "when is the last time it was the three of us, hm?"

He looks away his hyungs hopeful faces and accepts. He'll suffer if it means making his hyungs happy.

They split up to go change into a nicer set of clothes. Wooyoung and San yell from the door that they're leaving to which Seonghwa yells from his room all of the reminders a good hyung should say.

He's the first one changed. He's in his typical turtleneck and leather jacket combo with his favorite pair of skinny jeans and not loved boots. It's an outfit he feels most comfortable in that's also pleasing to the eye in it's simplicity.

"We're going now," Mingi says.

He looks up to see Yunho and Mingi shrugging on jackets at the entryway.

"Bye hyungs," he calls, "have fun."

"Thanks maknae-yah," Yunho says sweetly.

"Do you have plans?" Mingi asks, frowning in concern. "Did you want to come with us?"

"Oh, it's okay hyung," he says, "hyungs are taking me to dinner."

And frankly he wasn't going to intrude on Yunho and Mingi's plans. The two needed the time together even if they'd both be in endearably sweet and encourage him to join them if they found out he didn't have something to do tonight.

"Enjoy it," Yunho's eyes sparkle with knowing mischeif.

Mingi waves to him and they head out of the apartment.

A few minutes pass before the 98-liner bedroom door finally opens. "Hwa's being unreasonable," Hongjoong huffs, "he doesn't think he looks pretty enough."

"Yah!" Seonghwa yells from inside the room.

Hongjoong turns back to the room. "You won't believe me, but I know you'll believe Jongho! He never lies to you, right?"

Hongjoong turns back to him and smiles. "Please go tell your hyung he looks pretty."

The idea of his hyung questioning his beauty confuses him. Seonghwa is, in his mind, the most beautiful person he's had the good fortune of meeting.

"Sure," he accepts easily.

He follows Hongjoong into the bedroom to see Seonghwa standing in front of the full length mirror. His hyung is pouting as he looks at his appearance.

His hyung is wearing a pair of faded wash denim that hugs his hips in the most tantalizing manner. He's wearing a cream cashmere sweater that softens the sharp angles of Seonghwa's jaw and toned figure. His bangs curtain prettily over his eyes while he pinned it back in a half up-half down style. There's a shimmery coat of a sparkly nude eyeshadow on his eyelids.

"Hyung, you look perfect," he compliments easily.

Seonghwa turns to him with a distrustful look before sighing. "Well, it's the best it's probably going to be. Look at you though! Handsome maknae-yah," he coos easily to him.

Seonghwa takes his hand and leads him out of the bedroom. Hongjoong is petulantly standing in the main area. "Did he believe you?"

"No, not really," he answers.

Hongjoong frowns with clear disapproval, but seems to think better of forcing the issue. Seonghwa could be impossibly stubborn when feeling particularly unsatisfied with his appearance.

"Well come on then, before it gets too busy," Hongjoong says.

When they reach their favorite barbecue place it's busy, but thankfully they get seated in the back corner where it's a bit quieter once the owner recognizes them. He sits across from his hyungs.

They place their orders and he feels shy with the way both hyungs order extra servings of his favorites.

"Wooyoungie and you have been getting along well," Seonghwa brings up.

"Oh, yeah," he says, unsure of what exactly to say to defend the new closeness between himself and his most mischievous hyung.

"It's nice to see," Hongjoong says, "you two bicker a lot. It makes me feel nervous sometimes."

Play-bickering with Wooyoung is their love language. He feels comfortable and safe in his relationship to tease and play with his youngest hyung, and Wooyoung is easygoing about their dynamic. He maintains a fine line of respect since Wooyoung is older, but it's easy to do because he genuinely respects and appreciates him.

"Bickering is how we communicate, hyung" he says, "you should be nervous when we stop."

Hongjoong looks at him pensively before nodding, "Understood."

"It is nice to see you guys communicate without the bickering," Seonghwa adds, "I'm relieved you both are able to. I'd be more concerned if all you did was bicker. For a moment there, you two were."

"He's easy to tease, hyung, and he always falls for it," he shrugs, "but I'm trying to be a bit more aware and to give him a break if he's having a bad day."

"That's very considerate of you," Seonghwa praises gently.

Sitting here watching Seonghwa's skin glow underneath the dim lighting and the way his eyes sparkle…it is becoming more apparent that his feelings are not subsiding and he may have to deal with these unrequited feelings for a long time. When he glances at Hongjoong though, he's startled by just how handsome his leader is as well. Hongjoong's smile is one of his personal favorite things about his hyung, but his eyes are wide and almost boyish in nature when he's relaxed and has work turned off. Frankly, the two make a striking couple. That's how he knows they're meant to be with one another.

"Jongho?"

He shakes his head and looks up, feeling his cheeks heat up over being caught daydreaming. Seonghwas lips are turned into a concerned frown.

"Oh, oh sorry," he says.

"Where'd you go?" Hongjoong asks, "You completely blanked out of the conversation."

"Is something bothering you, baby?" Seonghwa asks. His voice takes that gentle, concerned tone that always disarms him (and the rest of the group).

He feels his body flush under their gazes, now fully focused on him due to his unusual behavior.

"Everything's fine, really," he says, doing a poor job of convincing himself, "still trying to unwind from work."

Hongjoong doesn't look like he believes him when he raises his eyebrow up in a pointed expression of his disbelief. Seonghwa seems to take his explanation for what it is even though his hyung doesn't quite look settled either.

"I've noticed you haven't been sharing what's on your mind with us lately," Hongjoong starts.

"Hongjoong," Seonghwa scolds.

Hongjoong looks at Seonghwa intently. Seonghwa seems to cave to whatever telepathic conversation they're having.

"You've been distancing yourself from us," Hongjoong states.

"We love that you're spending so much time with the other members," Seonghwa adds, "but we do miss you as well, you know? We're worried we've done something and you're unable to talk to us about it."

His heart. He should have figured his hyungs would pick up on his behavior. He has tried to keep himself away from the couple, mostly to not intrude and to also save himself some heartache. He should never have forgotten how perceptive they both are.

When he's about to speak, he gets a momentary reprieve with the food arriving. He didn't realize just how much they ordered until the table was full of all the dishes. They thank the employee who served them.

Seonghwa immediately starts grilling the meat, beating him to it. He frowns at his hyung.

"Let hyung," Seonghwa says.

"Jongho," Hongjoong says, "have we done something to upset you?"

"No, hyung, I'm not upset with you guys," he answers. It's true, he's not upset with them. He's only trying to preserve his heart and his feelings by not being in their presence as much as before.

He watches as Seonghwa expertly flips over the meat in the grill.

"You're not upset about your hyung and I dating?" Hongjoong asks.

He looks up at Hongjoong startled by such a bold question. "What?"

Hongjoong shrugs, "You started becoming more distant when we started dating. It could be a bizarre correlation, but you didn't stop spending time with Wooyoung or San when they started dating."

He clenches his fists together to try and maintain his composure. He hates how perceptive Hongjoong is, but he knows that's the only reason their group has lasted this long. They don't let conflict or tension fester. They bring it up no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

"I just thought you'd like some time alone," he says, trying to remain calm as he lies through his teeth.

"Don't lie," Seonghwa says.

He looks at his oldest hyung and sees an unusually stern expression on his face.

"The truth is too uncomfortable for me to admit while here," he admits with a sigh.

"Okay, we'll pause the conversation for later when we're back home," Hongjoong accepts easily. "Thank you for telling us you're uncomfortable."

And just like that, his hyungs move on.

"Here baby," Seonghwa says, offering him a bite of the grilled meat. He takes it, never one to turn down food but especially food prepared by Seonghwa.

Seonghwa feeds Hongjoong a bite next, and then himself.

Their dinner is spent with sharing bites of food, and an excessive amount of recollecting memories and stories from their training days. They laugh and they smile, they eat until their bellies are ready to explode, and Hongjoong finishes it off by paying for the meal.

When they leave, Seonghwa diverts them to a convenience store where he buys them ice cream. They walk back to the dorm with ice creams in hand. Seonghwa shares his strawberry shortcake ice cream with both of them, and Hongjoong easily reciprocates with his sherbet popsicle. He lets them take a bite of his coffee flavored ice cream.

When they get back to the dorm, they're the first ones back if the darkened apartment is anything to go by.

"Let's go to our room to talk," Hongjoong says.

His tummy flips at the reminder of continuing their conversation from earlier.

"Come on baby," Seonghwa encourages, taking his hand and guiding him to the hyungs bedroom.

Hongjoong is sitting on his bed, the lower bunk. Seonghwa releases his hand to go into their bathroom. He sits at the desk, swaying in the chair as they wait for Seonghwa.

Seonghwa returns with his favorite hoodie on instead of the luxuriously pretty sweater.

"Come sit with us," Seonghwa encourages, "this isn't an argument. We just want to hear you out."

He gets up from where he's sitting and joins them in the bed. Seonghwa easily settles him in between himself and Hongjoong. He's not used to being in the middle. He typically prefers being on the outside of their cuddles, but it is nice to have his hyungs full attention on him.

For now, at least.

Before they eventually get upset with him.

"Alright," Hongjoong starts, "so if you're not upset that we're dating, what is bothering you?"

Hongjoong's hand rests on his thigh. He looks up at him and immediately looks away when he sees the intense expression. His hyung could be inadvertently intimidating, and although he's never once felt that way about his hyung, it's hard not to now that he's about to confess his feelings.

"I've had feelings for Seonghwa hyung for a couple years," he admits.

"Oh," Seonghwa breathes out.

Hongjoong squeezes his thigh comfortingly. "So being with us right now…it must be hard."

He shakes his head. "I do want you guys to have time together, but it was also for me to work through my feelings. I can't…be bitter about this. I missed my chance, and Hwa hyung is happy. My favorite person makes him happy, and I can't be upset by that."

"You missed your chance?" Hongjoong asks.

He looks at Seonghwa, "You didn't tell him?"

Seonghwa shakes his head, "No, baby. That wasn't for me to tell. I wasn't sure who you wanted to know."

"Know what?" Hongjoong asks.

"I started having feelings for Seonghwa about a year and a half ago, and initially I wasn't bothered by it. Everyone in our team has had a crush on hyung. It's his charm and his personality, but they were just phases. I figured it would be the same for me. I didn't even think I liked boys," he shares, "but my feelings didn't go away. They were persistent and they grew and I freaked out. Hyung helped me through it, and maybe reciprocated those feelings?" He looks at Seonghwa hesitantly.

He nods in acknowledgement. "I did."

"I couldn't pursue hyung back at the time. I still was figuring out myself and working through all of the emotions that come with discovering I was not as straight as I thought I was," he confesses.

"That must have been so difficult. I'm sorry I wasn't there to support you," Hongjoong says.

"Don't apologize," he says firmly, "you didn't know. I didn't want you to know, hyung. You were so stressed the last thing you needed was a maknae dealing with a sexuality crisis."

"Look at me," Hongjoong says firmly. He looks up at him. "I'm never too busy for you. I'm never too stressed for you. You will always come first. Do you understand?"

He nods, leaning back into Seonghwa for comfort due to his leader's intensity. He doesn't feel like his hyung is scolding him, but he does feel properly chastised.

Hongjoong's attention is intense. That's the kind of person he is. Everything about him is intense and focused, especially with the things that matter to him. He knows he matters to his hyung, but he doesn't typically experience this single-focus attention he's experiencing right now.

His tummy flips and butterflies begin to flutter.

He looks away from Hongjoong, unable to look back at his hyung any longer. His body begins to heat up uncomfortably. Having his attention is nice, but it's not something he's used too.

"I need to hear that you understand, baby," Hongjoong says, voice low and assertive. That familiar dominance his hyung brings to the surface and sheds just as easily is something enviable.

Goosebumps rise on his skin. He can feel the shiver of delight due to the authority of his hyung being directed at him.

"I understand hyung," he confesses softly.

"Good boy," Hongjoong praises.

Being sandwiched between Seonghwa and Hongjoong is starting to feel far more intense than he expected. He doesn't hate it, but he's not sure exactly what's happening between the three of them. He likes Seonghwa's gentle comfort grounding him, but he also likes the all encompassing attention Hongjoong is bestowing him with. Surprisingly, he likes the dominance and assertiveness of his hyung as well. The praise is an additional bonus and had he been standing up would have certainly made him weak in the knees.

The combination of a firmer hand with a gentle touch to sooth it is exactly what he wants. He never expected to desire it from his hyungs, or that his hyungs would be the ideal people to give him that. He wouldn't feel safe or comfortable enough to allow anyone else to treat him this way, but it's as easy as breathing to allow his hyungs, the two people he trusts most in this world.

Time seems to stop as panic rises within his chest. He scrambles away from them and to the opposite side of the bed. He feels crippling fear within his chest and stomach, and he can't move any further than he has. He doesn't trust his legs.

He can't ask his hyungs to do this for him. He can't be selfish to want this from them. His hyungs are happy. They're happy without him. He would only complicate things for them.

Why are his cheeks wet?

He reaches up to brush away the wetness and realizes he's crying.

"Jongho," Seonghwa says. "Oh, sweetheart. Can hyung hug you, baby?"

No. No, he can't let Seonghwa hug him. He'll cave and he'll be selfish. He can't interfere with something as good as his hyungs love for one another is.

"No," he croaks out, "please."

His hyungs face crumpled with concern. He feels bad, but he needs to stay strong even if all he wants is his hyungs comfort. The protective embrace his hyung would no doubt provide him. The sweet smell of lavender and the cozy warmth his hyung always seems to have.

"Jongho," Hongjoong's voice cuts through his panic, "focus on me."

He looks up to see his hyung has moved closer, without invading his space or touching him.

"Breathe in, one, two, three, and breathe out, one, two, three," Hongjoong says, repeating it until Jongho finally feels as though he can breathe. The panic has subsided, but he feels exhausted and even more drained emotionally and mentally.

"Okay, good boy," Hongjoong praises. "Can you come to me?"

The praise washes over him like a shower of warmth and comfort to his frayed nerves. Hongjoong reaches his arms out invitingly. His hyung is offering…cuddles.

"Hyung," he says, unable to put his thoughts into a cohesive statement. It's a bad idea for him to be so close to Hongjoong right now, even if it's the one thing he wants more than anything. It'll just make the feelings grow.

"I know, baby," Hongjoong soothes gently, "your brain and heart are at conflict right now. Let hyung take care of you, okay?"

How could he argue with that?

He moves over to Hongjoong who easily pulls him in to sit in the vee of his lap and his face snugly pressed into his neck. Hongjoong's arms wrap around his waist and hold him.

"Listen to me very carefully," Hongjoong instructs, "you will not deny yourself any longer of what you want. It's causing far too much hurt and pain for you. I know you, Jongho-yah, and I know you sacrifice your wants the minute you think it's inconveniencing others. You are not an inconvenience."

He burrows closer into Hongjoong's chest, feeling chastised but heard. His hyung understood him and he wouldn't let him get away with his self-recrimination.

"Now, you will tell Seonghwa and I what it is you want. I promise you, there's very little we wouldn't do for you," Hongjoong says.

His fingers clench into Hongjoong's shirt. He can't look at them when he confesses into Hongjoong's neck: "I want you."

"You want Seonghwa?" Hongjoong asks.

"And you," he says.

"Darling, you have us," Seonghwa says. "You've…you've always had us."

"It's not normal," Jongho whines, "the way that I want you."

Hongjoong pinches skin above his hip, fingers sneakily sliding underneath the waistband of his jeans. "Normal is a descriptor we've never abided by. Tell hyung what you want."

Hongjoong's firmness is what he wants. He wants the dominance and authority that makes him feel seen and protected. He wants to feel that bubble of safety and fuzziness he felt earlier when Hongjoong was being lovingly assertive with him, like he is right now.

"I want what you're doing right now," he says.

"What am I doing?" Hongjoong asks, confusion entering his voice.

"Oh," Seonghwa breathes out softly, "oh you precious boy. Jongho-yah, do you like when Hongjoong is firm with you?"

He nods, knowing his hyung can see it and that Hongjoong can feel it.

"Do you like when he takes control? Like he just did," Seonghwa coaxes him softly.

"Yeah," he answers.

There's a moment of silence, and he starts to get anxious again. He moves his head from where he was previously snuggling into Hongjoong's neck to look back to Seonghwa for reassurance. A hand at the back of his head stops him, and guides him back to Hongjoong's neck. The hand settles on his neck and gently massages his muscles.

"Okay baby," Hongjoong says finally, "we're putting a pause on this conversation, alright? I want you to rest before we continue on. We're going to give you the option of staying here with us, or going back to your room. But. Before your mind plays games on you, we'd prefer if you stayed with us. We want you to stay, but it is your choice."

"Stay," he answers.

"Okay. Let's get changed then, alright," Hongjoong coaxes.

He initially wants to protest the idea of leaving his hyungs lap, but he doesn't want to be difficult. He moves away glumly. Hongjoong gives him a small, apologetic smile. "Just a few minutes," he promises.

Seonghwa comes up behind him and kisses the top of his head. "Let hyung help?"

He accepts. Seonghwa helps him get out of his jacket and turtleneck and easily replaces it with an oversized shirt. He wiggles out of his pants and puts on the shorts handed to him by Hongjoong.

He sleepily brushes his teeth and rinses his face with cool water in the bathroom before treading back out to where Hongjoong is waiting in bed.

"Come to hyung," he says.

He slips underneath the covers and shyly moves closer to Hongjoong. Hongjoong urges him to rest his head on his chest. His hyungs hand settles on his hip, and he feels properly cuddled. The lights turn off and a body is pressing in behind him. A kiss is pressed to the back of his neck.

The warmth and comfort lull him to sleep almost immediately.

When he wakes it's to an overwhelming amount of warmth and whispered voices talking above him. He opens his eyes and blinks away the grogginess he's feeling.

"Hey baby," Seonghwa says, his morning voice deliciously deep and gravelly.

It's then he remembers where he's at and what happened the previous night.

"Oh my god," he says, sitting up and covering his face with his hands. "Oh my god."

"And that's exactly why we paused the conversation," Hongjoong says.

He turns to look at his hyung incredulously. "Why aren't you mad at me? You should be!"

Hongjoong looks marginally unimpressed as he raises an eyebrow at him. "I'm not mad, Jongho."

"Jongho," Seonghwa says, "I think we were both kind of relieved."

"What?" He says softly.

"I've always harbored some feelings for you. They never really went away. How could they? You're so handsome and cool, and you're shy and cute. You are clever and mischievous, as well as being the most reliable and responsible person I know," Seonghwa says, "your feelings grew just like mine did."

"What?" He says, confused by the declaration of Seonghwa's feelings.

"I mean, I've always been a little in love with you. Everytime you sing I'm reminded of just how much I do," Hongjoong confesses, "you mean a lot to me, Jongho-yah. I always want to protect you and make sure you feel comfortable, but it gets complicated because I know how much you value your bodily autonomy and independence."

"But…last night…" he trails off feeling a wave of shame and embarrassment over his neediness.

"Is definity something we should discuss," Seonghwa says. Jongho turns to look at Seonghwa. "You had a panic attack, Jongho. You're holding way too many feelings in."

"It's wrong to like you," he states, "you're happy."

Seonghwa shrugs, "We are, but we'd be a lot more happy being able to explore our relationship with you involved."

"It's not wrong," Hongjoong corrects. "It's not. I think you're using that reasoning as an excuse to not confront your feelings."

"My feelings are wrong, then. The way I feel around you both is complicated, and it's not something I understand." He admits.

"Well, let us help you then," Hongjoong says, "I certainly have an idea of what happened last night."

"First, we all agree we have feelings for one another, right?" Seonghwa asks. He tentatively confirms with a nod of his head. "And what Hongjoong is about to explain doesn't have to be the center of our relationship. Jongho, Hongjoongie and I like you regardless of if you want to participate in what Hongjoong is going to explain. We like you for the wonderful person you are, okay?"

"Okay," he says.

"Okay," Seonghwa smiles at him.

Hongjoong sits up and settles himself before finally looking at him. "Have you heard of dominance and submission?"

He shakes his head. It sounds scary. "No, hyung."

"Dominance and submission comes with a certain sexual connotation to it even though the actual act of itself can be inherently non-sexual," Hongjoong explains. "It's an intimate experience for those involved in such a dynamic. Yesterday, we asked you some questions. Do you remember them?"

"Hyung asked if I liked it when you were firm and took control," he confides, feeling his cheeks heat up.

"That's right. How does that make you feel?" Hongjoong asks.

"Safe," he responds automatically.

Hongjoong smiles at him. "Submission is a way for people to turn their brains off and allow someone else to take care of them. The submissive partner yields completely to their dominant. It can be as simple as cuddling in bed or as complicated as adding a sexual element to it. Regardless, it should be a safe, consensual, trusting experience for anyone involved."

"We think yesterday you were about to drop into what's called sub-space," Seonghwa adds.

"Which is why we stopped our conversation when we did," Hongjoong informs, "we needed to have a conversation first as you didn't explicitly consent to that with us."

His tummy warms at such a simple act.

"What is it?" He asks.

"Sub-space is a euphoric feeling. It's often described as feeling floaty, fuzzy, and safe. It's the dominant's role to get their submissive to that feeling, and then to gently guide them back and care for them. Sub-space can be extremely emotional and it's important proper care is given after, for both dominant and submissive involved." Hongjoong explains.

"You were getting a little non-verbal on us, baby," Seonghwa explains, "which is when Hongjoong guided you back."

Hongjoong nods.

"It doesn't have to be sexual?" He asks.

"It never needs to be sexual," Hongjoong confirms.

"When I let myself slip, before panicking, it did feel nice," he admits.

"What made you panic?" Seonghwa asks.

"The thought of getting in the middle of your relationship," he shares.

"That brain of yours certainly likes to work in overdrive, doesn't it?" Hongjoong asks.

He frowns. "It's because I like seeing you guys happy."

"Your happiness matters to, Jongho-yah," Seonghwa scolds.

"Not at the sake of being selfish and ruining something good," he argues.

"Had you at least started a conversation with us and communicated your feelings, we would have been able to either let you down gently or to confess," Hongjoong says, "but you never gave us that option. You thought suffering in silence and withdrawing was the healthier option."

His hyung is right. Perhaps withdrawing and not communicating was a last ditch effort to hold onto his feelings. Confronting them would risk the possibility of being rejected and having to move on.

"Even if we didn't return your feelings, Jongho, you would have finally been able to move on and heal. We would have been able to support you better. We could have discussed boundaries and understood why you may keep your distance from us for a bit. The lack of communication is the most concerning, as well as your self-deprecation," Seonghwa says.

"You deserve good things," Hongjoong says. "It's okay to have desires and needs that go against the grain of general society. It's okay to want love and attention from more than one person."

"We want you to be in a place where you accept that," Seonghwa says.

"We love you Jongho, more than I think you're even aware of, but we want you to be healthy and secure in who you are before we ask you to be part of our relationship," Hongjoong says, "we want you to try therapy. We want you to try and work out these feelings with a professional who can remain objective and unbiased. Hwa and I are in a position where we can't."

"The tendency we have to coddle and protect you is doing more harm than good," Seonghwa says somberly, "and it's not fair to your growth."

"We love you and we want you," Hongjoong reassures, "but we want the best version we know you can be. A strong, secure, and confident man who's comfortable in his identity and his desires."

Six Months Later

Six months ago he was told to try therapy. He didn't realize how much he needed it until the second week in and he realized just how unbalanced he was as an individual. A month in he learned to stop projecting a false persona to the people who cared about him most. Two months in he was able to confront his feelings and the people around him. Three months in and he accepted that he was definitely bisexual, and that he didn't need to fall into some presentation to be considered as valid. It was okay for him to just be.

Four months in he learned that submission wasn't all that bizarre. High stress jobs typically had men consensually submitting to give their minds a break from constantly making decisions and being in control. There could be a sexual element, but there wasn't a need for it. He rather likes the idea of it and begins his research to better educate himself. Five months in he accepted that he loved two men…and he didn't care who had an opinion about it. He researches what it means to be polyamorous. The complexities of a relationship with multiple people and how much trust, security, and communication it takes for it to function well.

Six months in…and it was time to confess his feelings for those two men.

He conspires with Wooyoung to help clear the dorm on their day off. Wooyoung is giddy with excitement and helps him. All of his members have been proud of him for his journey going to therapy and self-improvement, but Wooyoung's been the most vocal about it. There's been nothing but praise and admiration, and it makes him feel overwhelmingly shy and proud of himself.

"Okay, food will be delivered in an hour, so you have until then to confess. Flowers are in your room, and I've already told hyungs we're having a team meeting at five. We'll be gone before then and we'll leave as quietly as possible," Wooyoung says, "make sure to spray that cologne we all like."

He giggles at Wooyoung's delight. "Thank you hyung."

Wooyoung looks surprised before a softer expression takes over him. "Of course, Jongho. I'm so proud of you."

"Have fun with the others tonight," he encourages.

"We will," Wooyoung says, "okay, be good, have fun, wear protection, and don't do anything I wouldn't!"

He giggles as Wooyoung smacks a kiss to his cheek and hurries out of the room. The kiss would have bothered him, but now…he sees it for what it is. Wooyoung's love for him bubbles out of his body and he needs to show it. Usually by kisses.

He leaves Wooyoung's room and heads into his own. The flowers are sitting prettily in vases. He sprays the cologne onto him knowing how much all of his members like the scent of it. He takes the vases into the main area and sits down, waiting as the clock ticks down and waits for his hyungs to leave their room.

Wooyoung and Yeosang had all but banned them from leaving until their supposed team meeting, and being the soft, pliable hyungs they were, they obediently listened.

The door finally opens, and he sits up, a vase on each thigh as he waits for his hyungs to join him.

"Why's it so quiet?" Hongjoong grumbles.

"Where is every--oh," Seonghwa pauses, staring at him.

Seonghwa's hair is a cotton candy pink now, which only makes him look more ethereal and fairy-like. He's wearing a soft shirt tucked into a dark shade of denim jeans. Hongjoong is in a striped long sleeve with shorts. His hair is finally black again, which is his favorite color on his leader.

"Hi hyungs," he greets.

"Hi baby," Seonghwa greets, "what's this?"

"These are flowers for you both," he explains standing up. He hands the vase with the cherry red roses and bright yellow marigolds to Hongjoong. The vase with the soft pink tulips and vibrant lilies he hands to Seonghwa.

He watches them gaze and smell at the flowers.

"Thank you," Hongjoong says, pleasantly surprised.

"Can we talk?" He asks, already feeling a bit hopeful.

"Sure," Seonghwa accepts easily.

They sit down, Seonghwa and Hongjoong lovingly setting their cases down.

"First, I wanted to thank you both for encouraging me to go to therapy. There was a lot I needed to work on, and I have so much appreciation and respect for you guys noticing that and wanting me to be better for myself. I'm not sure I've thanked you yet, but I feel it's important for me to do so."

Seonghwa's eyes glisten with emotion. "Of course," he says, "all we want is for you to be your best self, as well as being happy and healthy."

"Second, thank you for allowing me the space and time to go through therapy. Your patience with me means more than you know, and I was actually able to enjoy the journey."

"There was no time limit," Hongjoong says.

"I know," he reassures. "The third thing, I'll still be going to therapy. It'll be a little more infrequent, but I like having that space to discuss what's on my mind and the feelings I have. I don't think I'll ever stop going to be honest, but I can say I've comfortably reached a spot where I can explore certain things about myself."

"That's so good, baby, I'm so proud of you," Seonghwa confesses gently.

His tummy flips excitedly at the pet name and the pride is clear in his favorite person's voice.

"Which brings us to the final part," he says, "my feelings for both of you never wavered. I like you guys more because I've learned to love myself better. My feelings feel less reliant on your acceptance, and more…excited to be an active participant in your dynamic. I'd like to explore my relationship with you both in a more romantic nature, if that's something you both still want."

"Finally," Hongjoong exclaims, standing and walking around their glass table to stand in front of him. "Can I kiss you?"

He shakes his head, "Yes," he consents.

Hongjoong leans down to kiss his lips, gentle and soft, but there's an edge of eagerness to it. Hongjoong kisses like he raps, with varying motions and speeds. Fast and eager and then slow and seductive. He feels breathless when Hongjoong finally pulls away. His hyung caresses his cheek. "I'm so proud of you. I love you."

The wait had been worth it. Although he knows he'll become addicted to those kisses and be eager for more of them.

"My turn," Seonghwa says, joining them. His hyung sits beside him and tilts his head, "Can I kiss you, baby?"

"Yes," please he doesn't say, but thinks greedily when Seonghwa's lips finally press against his. They kiss softly, but languidly. Seonghwa takes his time, and doesn't seem to want to rush the kiss into something more heavy. He reaches out to wrap his hand around Seonghwa's neck. Seonghwa chuckles when he pulls away.

"I love you, Jongho," Seonghwa confesses easily.

"I love you too, hyung." He says, turning to look at Hongjoong, "both of you."

Hongjoong straddles his lap and sits back comfortably on his thighs. "There's still something else we need to discuss."

There is?

"What is it, hyung?" He asks.

"Submission." Hongjoong answers.

His tummy lights up in an excited flutter of butterflies. After his research, and discussing it with a close friend who also engages in dom/sub play, he wants nothing more than to experience that with them. He wants to give up everything and let Seonghwa and Hongjoong take care of him.

"Yes," he says, "please. I want that."

Hongjoong grins, his cheshire-cat smile. It sends a sharp thrill down his spine knowing it's directed at him and his words.

"What are your limits, treasure?" Hongjoong asks.

"No degradation," he says firmly, despite the fuzzy feeling he has over Hongjoong's chosen pet name for him, "or impact play."

"Wait, are you wanting their to be a sexual component?" Seonghwa asks.

He nods, "Yes. I want…I want both. Non-sexual and sexual submission."

"Thank you for clarifying," Seonghwa says.

"What else?" Hongjoong asks.

His thighs feel hot and he squirms just a bit underneath Hongjoong. "Praise," he confesses, "a lot of praise."

"We can certainly do that," Hongjoong encourages.

"I read something about questions. I think…I think questions are okay, as long as I can give one word answers? I don't want to think. I think I'd prefer to not have to answer anything, but I know that can only come with practice and experience and all of our comfort levels," he explains.

"You want hyungs to have total control?" Hongjoong asks.

"Please," he answers.

"That is certainly something we can work toward once we have a few scenes under our belt, okay?" Hongjoong compromises.

"Yes hyung," he answers dutifully.

"It sounds like you want the scenes to be more soft-domination than anything overly assertive or hard," Seonghwa says, "is that right, baby?"

"Yes," he answers, "I want to keep the door open for that type of scene in the future, but I know right now, I want the softer scenes." He confirms.

Seonghwa smiles sweetly, "It's whatever you want, baby."

"Submission is a journey, and we're happy to be a part of it with you," Hongjoong shares.

The doorbell rings.

Seonghwa frowns, "Who could that be?"

"Oh, I ordered food for us?" He says sheepishly.

Seonghwa smiles at him and kisses his forehead. "Such a thoughtful boy." He stands to answer it.

Hongjoong cups his chin. "Do you want to be good for us after dinner?"

He nods, "Yes, please," a thrill of pleasure and excitement at the idea of being intimate with his hyungs.

"With or without sex?" Hongjoong asks.

"Without," he says confidently, "I want to be totally cognizant for my first time with you guys."

Hongjoong's features soften and turn sugary sweet when he leans in to kiss him. "You're so good," he praises into his lips, "how'd we get so lucky, hm?"

Dinner passes uneventfully. Hongjoong sits beside him and with Seonghwa on the other side, they essentially feed him bites and refuse to let him feed himself. He knows this is common to start the submission, and he's all for it, especially after Seonghwa confirms that it's okay they're doing it.

They clean up their mess and package away leftovers. Hongjoong holds his hand securely in his as he guides him into the room.

"Let's get you changed," Hongjoong instructs, "if you fall asleep, I want you comfy."

He's already feeling that fuzziness at the edges of his nerves from being fed and properly spoiled. They did discuss a safe word (apple) and the traffic light system if words did become challenging for him.

Hongjoong gently asks permission to remove his clothes to which he easily grants. He has no reason to feel shy over his nudity, his hyungs have seen it plenty of times before. He also has nothing to be ashamed of either, he's confident in his body and the strength he holds. Seonghwa comes up behind him and helps, murmuring soft reassurances into his ear and praising him.

They dress him in a big shirt and shorts knowing he gets a bit warm when sleeping. They've changed as well, and Hongjoong guides him over to the bed. His hyung sits down first, before reaching out for him. "Come sit in my lap," he instructs.

Seonghwa's hands on his hips are grounding and reassuring. He tentatively steps forward and climbs onto the bed. He's…bigger than Hongjoong by a lot, but his hyung still manages to welcome him onto his lap and envelope him as if he is the smaller one.

"There we go baby bear," Hongjoong soothes, hands already rubbing up and down his back. "It's time to be good for hyungs now, okay? Hyungs are in control."

Oh, that feels nice. He feels the lingering tension relax and melt into Hongjoong. His brain gets a bit fuzzier as he noses into Hongjoong's neck.

"Hyungs good boy," Hongjoong says sweetly.

He feels Seonghwa kiss his clothes shoulder. "The best boy," Seonghwa confirms.

"The strongest as well," Hongjoong compliments, "but not too strong, hm? Baby bear still let's hyungs take care of him, doesn't he?"

"Yes," he answers.

Seonghwa chuckles from behind, clearly amused by his confirmation.

"Our baby bear is so good at taking care of himself," Seonghwa praises, "listening to his hyungs so well."

"Now it's hyungs turn to take care of you, isn't it baby?" Hongjoong asks.

Yes, it was time for his hyungs to take over. His brain becomes positively floaty at his hyungs words. He could trust hyungs to take care of him.

"There's a good boy," Hongjoong praises.

"Hyungs have you, precious," Seonghwa reassures.

He knows.

They've always had him.

He drifts off into his floatiness happily, the first bit of relief he can comfortably have knowing he was safe and protected by the two people that mean most to him.

They accepted him for exactly who he is and came. Love expects better of one another, and he did it.