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"And you're sure you don't want me to come?"
"No, no," Stede says again, protesting gently. "They're a terribly passive aggressive lot, you wouldn't like them."
"Ah," Ed says, sounding let down. "Got it. I'll just... Stay here. Yep. Hold down the fort."
Stede is leaving for two weeks to visit his parents, and he's not sure exactly why Ed wants to come so badly. Stede supposes Ed might look forward to the fancy meals and such, but his parents are so dreadfully judgemental, and he doesn't want anyone to wind up with hurt feelings, or dead at the end of the night. He also doesn't particularly want Ed to hear what the people in Stedes hometown have to say about him, since it paints him in a negative (if fairly accurate) light.
He's certain Ed understands. It's only for two weeks, after all. Easy peasy.
---
They won't be apart long, Stede tells himself again and again as he goes up the steps to his parents estate. It's probably good for people to be apart for a bit, and he's only visiting for a bit. He frets that they'll all get bored of waiting on him, but Ed told him they would finish up some robbery business in a port in the neighboring town, then they'll be back to pick him up.
He knocks at the door, and the butler lets him in, leading him to the sitting room where his father is writing on parchment, too distracted to look up.
"So you've come back from your little sea vacation," says his father. "Where's Mary?"
"Mary! Well, we sort of…" he stops. He had forgotten that he told Mary not to inform his parents of his, er, unfortunate passing. In reality, they'd split up amicably months ago, he had run off to the sea again and gone back to the actual love of his life, and they're sort of wanted by the British navy and about ten different other captains, but he's certain his father would be displeased at that answer, so he flounders for a different, more acceptable answer. "She… we, er, we split up! Best for us both, I reckon."
"How disappointing. You didn't inform us she wouldn't be coming," he says chidingly.
He hasn't informed them of much in his life since he was a child, given the heavy weight of their constant disappointment. He smiles nervously, not giving an answer.
His father grunts and finally sets down his quill. "Come, come. We've got lunch waiting."
He goes inside and they have lunch, and his mouth waters at the assortment of little plates, fancy things the likes of which aren't available at sea. His parents discuss local news, politics, and things, and Stede chimes in whenever he feels they would allow it.
"Weather's meant to be good this week, there's many ships coming to port," says his mother. "Someone said they've sighted pirates in the area, so we had better lock our doors."
"Oh, yes, that might be me," he pipes up, thrilled to finally have something to talk about. "I came in from the sea only today."
"Real pirates, dear," she says dismissively, turning back to his father. "Some say it was Blackbeard's flag."
"I'm traveling with Blackbeard," Stede says louder.
"Really," says his mother flatly.
"The two of us have shared a ship for some time now, in fact," he says, happy that she's being so oddly accepting about his choices. She never had been before, they'd never really wanted to hear about his dreams of adventure, called it unrealistic. Today she hasn't yet shut him down, though.
His father gives him a look. "Hopeless, that one," he mutters.
"Stede, get your elbows off the table," chides his mother. He looks down, and his elbows are indeed on the table. He supposed he had forgotten that one wasn't supposed to do that, since at sea, everyone needed to have their elbows up to steady ther plates against the rocking sea.
He places his elbows by his sides, and feels out of place, somehow.
----
He figures he ought to pick up some things for the crew while he's on land. Some oranges, certainly, and supplies. But nicer things too, like a knife sharpener for Jim, a charm that's supposed to ward against cats for Frenchie, things like that. He's having a hard time finding a gift for Ed, since he wants it to be perfect.
"What do you think a pirate captain would like?" He asks the shopkeeper, Margaret, an old woman he's seen about town since he was only a child.
She sighs. "Still on about this then?"
"Whatever do you mean?"
"You've always been an imaginative young man, Mr. Bonnet, but I thought you'd left that dream behind in childhood."
He sees what's happening. She thinks this is one of the games he would once play. "It's not like that, it's for a real pirate captain," he says.
She nods in a way that he's almost certain is meant to be condescending.
He says nothing, looking at the wares she has for sale. "That one," he says, pointing at a bit of fine fabric. Ed likes things like that, things that are fancy, but portable, that he can carry around with him on his person. He likes to keep his fine things close.
Oh, Stede misses his ship.
------
Ed had told him prior to leaving that, while Stede was in town, he might go to a local tavern which pirates frequented and send a few his way to assist with the robbery in the next town.
Stede gets around to it on his third day, makes a day of it, heads over a bit early and enjoys a few fruity drinks in his finest wear while sussing the place out for the pirates in question. Finally they come in, and he's on his way to sit with them when he overhears them talking about Ed, and sees the perfect opportunity for an entrance.
"Blackbeard is supposed to send someone to get us tonight," says one of the pirates as she sits at the table. She looks cool, and he's thrilled to be able to finally mingle with other pirates in earnest, swap stories of their feats on the sea.
Stede clears his throat. "Hello! Stede Bonnet, here. That's me, he's sent. Let's have a few drinks, and I'll give you the info on where he's at."
The pirates at the table swivel to look at him. They're quiet for a moment, and then they all begin laughing heartily. They'll slow down for a few seconds, and then start up again simply from looking at him.
"You," says one, wiping a tear from her eye, "know Blackbeard."
"Ed and I are--"
That starts them off laughing again.
"He's on a first name basis with him!" howls one of them.
Finally, they stop laughing, and one of them waves a hand.
"Enough lies, you flouncy little rich boy, now tell us who really sent you."
"Ed! Er, Blackbeard! Honestly. I'm supposed to send you to help him out with a robbery."
"He's got you hostage then?"
"No, I'm--"
"Keeps you around to mutilate you?"
"--Definitely not, since--"
"What could it possibly be, then? Spit it out, are you some kind of mute?"
"I'm the Captain," he says loudly.
They laugh him out of the place, after that.
He has to send a message off to Ed by bird, explaining that the pirates did not want to help after all. He's too humiliated to explain the rest, how no pirate looks at him and thinks he's fearsome. That's the trouble with being a gentleman and a pirate at once, no one seems to think he is much good at doing either.
He misses them all terribly. He attaches the piece of fabric he bought for Ed to the bird and sends it off, nearly wishing he could fly with it.
------
The next morning there is a letter for him from the crew. It's a poem from Blackbeard, which is incredibly beautiful. It reads:
Guts are red
Ocean is blue
I am sad
That is bad
It looks as though he had begun a second verse but Lucius had scribbled it out so thoroughly that the paper is entirely black there. There is a brief note at the bottom from Lucius telling Stede to hurry back because some people are beginning to miss him severely.
He finds his heart terribly warmed by the sentiments.
"I'd like to send a letter to the whereabouts of Blackbeard's ship, where this one came from," he says to the mailman.
Some old boarding school friends of his approach, hailing him. He hasn't gotten a chance to visit them, and it was somewhat by design, as he hadn't exactly been kind to Stede, growing up.
"Sending your pirate fanmail? I thought you'd given up that obsession and gotten properly married," says his old friend Lord Archibald.
"It's not fanmail, it's a personal letter."
"Let me see."
Stede tries to subtly tuck it away, but Archibald snatches it and opens it to read.
"Dearest Ed, I miss you and the ship so. I will return in only a week's time. If you like you may meet me at my parents estate at weeks end before we depart. Hugs and kisses-- followed with an… absurd number of X's and O's--- Captain Stede."
"Give that back!"
"Captain Stede?" He says in amazement, and for a moment Stede thinks someone has finally seen the truth, but then he continues. "You couldn't make this faker if it were addressed to your own estate, Bonnet. How old are you now, still playing pirate? It's getting a bit pathetic. And the hugs and kisses!"
"I am a Captain! Besides, what's wrong with hugs and kisses?" He asks self consciously. He thought the crew sort of liked it when he addressed his letters that way. He put several X and O's so that everyone would get some.
"It's the way babies address their letters. But you'd know that though, wouldn't you, Baby Bonnet." He smiles. "My advice? If that letter actually is going to someone, do yourself a favor and don't send it. Good seeing you."
He pats his shoulder and goes away. The mailman looks at Stede expectantly, holding out a hand for the letter, but Stede shakes his head, and the mailman goes away.
Embarrassed, he rewrites the whole letter, omitting the last part. With the… the hugs and the kisses. They're right, it is a bit undignified, isn't it? Yes. Not really befitting of a pirate, even a gentleman one.
----
"And another time, we were about to give up, trapped between two enemy ships, and Ed had the most fantastic idea," he says, leaned far over the table to tell the tale. It's the fifth or perhaps the seventh story he's told his parents about Ed tonight, but he can't seem to help himself, he wants to tell them how incredible his ship is, his friends, his life. "He thought we ought to do a fuckery on them, and that's when--"
His father slams down his fork. "This has gone on long enough. You're not a damned pirate, and lying about knowing Blackbeard is going to do nothing but tarnish our reputation and make you look a fool, boasting about your made up stories. You're a soft rich boy and it's all you'll ever be, don't pretend you're anything else."
"But it's true," he protests.
"You know, you don't have to make up lies to impress us," says his mother, more gently. "I thought perhaps you'd had a bad split with Mary so I was trying to let it be, but... The neighbors have been talking, and I don't want your feelings hurt. You don't have the brutality to be a pirate, or anything dreadful like that, and that's alright, some people aren't meant for things like that, and...Stede, please get your elbows off the table."
None of them take him seriously whatsoever. He's always known it, and it's always been… justified, in a way. After all, he has a history of ruining everything good, being the weakest, the softest. He thought things might be different this time, because he's changed. He was a fool to think that they ever could. He sets down his fork.
"I'm going home early, I think," he says quietly.
"You are home," says his mother. "We only ask that you don't indulge in delusions and forget reality."
"I'm leaving tomorrow night." He had planned to stay the rest of the week, but he's had plenty of this. He will need some time to pack his things, and he can be on his way.
----
He doesn't get the chance to leave the following night, because early in the morning, there's a knock at the door. Stede is packing in the room upstairs when he hears his mother coming into the entrance room to greet their visitor, the butler opening the door, hears the person outside speak.
"Ah, hey man. Is Stede here? My crewman wrote down the address but I realized about halfway here that he can't read or write, so it's not exactly what you'd call legible--"
"Who are you?" Asks the butler.
"Oh, he-- he didn't mention me?" He sounds a bit hurt at that. "I'm Blackbeard. Or, Ed. Edward Teach."
"You've heard what he's been saying then?" says his mother in horror. "Please, he doesn't mean it, he's soft minded and he can't help it."
"Him, soft?" He scoffs. "Seriously, though, where is he? Do I have to kill someone to see him?"
Stede races down the stairs, unable to stop himself from grinning wide.
"Ed!" He says, running to the door. His parents eyes open wide with horror as go goes to throw himself right into the man's arms. But the dread pirate Blackbeard only clutches Stede in his arms, and buries his face in his neck to inhale deeply, holding him gently in the doorway
Finally, Stede pulls away, and remembers that his parents are there. He nearly laughs at their expressions, because they clearly thought Ed was going to kill him or something.
"Ah! Yes. Ed, these are my parents. Mum, dad, this is Ed."
He hadn't planned for them to meet. His face burns, mortified preemptively, his eyes begging his parents not to tell Ed any of those things he'd said about him, the long rambling stories that he now sees for the obvious confessions they were. The two of them may have patched things up in their time back together, but he's not sure that Ed feels… like that anymore. He's trying to take it slow, build up to it, not spill his feelings wantonly all over the place.
"The rest of the crews here too," Ed says, gesturing out the door. Stede looks out the window, and there they are, all waving at him from the lawn. Except Izzy, who looks disgusted to even be there. Fair enough. Stede waves for them to come inside, and they parade in the door, gazing around at the finery like they've never seen anything like it.
"Wow, your parents are loaded," says Jim, twirling their knife.
"Are we or are we not robbing his parents?" asks Black Pete in what he probably imagines is a whisper.
"Shut it, we're supposed to be polite," hisses Lucius, pasting a tight smile on his face.
"So it was true? You're really in… in… Blackbeard's crew of pirates?" asks his father, face red and voice sounding choked up.
"No, no, Stedes not in the crew. He's the Captain," says Ed. Everyone's eyes shoot to him and he freezes. "Wait. Should I not have said that? I meant he was held hostage, tortured and all that, we captured him, no piratery involved on his part!"
"Please," says his mother. "He's talked about you nonstop for days, we couldn't get him to shut up, it's been Ed this, Ed that, all these bloody stories about you lot corrupting him!"
"Really," Ed says, pointing a pleased look his way, still holding both his arms. "You talked about me to your parents?"
"Course I did. Why wouldn't I?"
"I thought maybe you were ashamed to be seen with us. Since your parents are rich ponces, I mean. No offense," he says offhandedly to Stedes parents. His father looks too terrified to respond, and his mother too irritated.
"Since when did you think that?" Asks Stede.
"He only sulked about it the entire time you were gone," says Lucius, rolling his eyes. "Especially since you were being a bit bitchy, let's be real."
"There was no X's and O's in your letter," says Mr. Buttons miserably.
Frenchie nods. "Everyone felt that one. Blackbeard thought it might be code to say you were in trouble since you always do the X's and O's, and he tried to get us to pick you up a week early, but we had a hard time finding the address and once you sent that fabric and he started sleeping with it every night we saw a lot of improvement in--"
"No need to tell him that," says Ed quickly, shoving a hand over his mouth.
Stede finds himself near tears, fighting them back only to maintain appearances in front of his family.
"It was lovely to meet you all," says his mother, ushering them toward the door. "We have much to do today, so we will have to let you get on your way, surely you have big travels ahead."
"Can we get some breakfast first?" asks Ed. "I'm fucking starving."
His mother sighs, and invites them to breakfast.
----
They all sit down to a meal. The table is built for large parties, but it still feels crowded and awkward with everyone there. Or perhaps that's just Stedes nerves, as he knows that someone is going to say something that will have everyone up in arms against each other. Perhaps worse, his parents will sit there and belittle him in front of his entire crew, and he will have to sit there silently and take it while he knows his crew is laughing at him, their estimation of him slowly decreasing until it matches everyone else's in this place.
Ed takes a seat directly beside him, pressing their legs together, and Oluwande is on his other side, for which he is grateful, because his steady calm might bring down Stede's buzzing nerves.
"So. Pirates," says his mother nervously. "How lovely."
"As much as I disapprove of the legal aspect, I suppose it was about time my boy grew a spine," says his father, who seems to have finally gotten his voice back. His father's shaking hands nearly bring a smile to Stedes face, for though his father had called him lily-livered and weak many times, Stede had never had such a visibly terrified reaction to Ed, not even in his more terrifying moments.
"He's got a spine alright," says Ed, his elbows up on the table, gesturing with a full forkful of eggs and shoveling it into his mouth to chew while speaking. "Did he tell you about the time he stabbed me straight through?"
"He stabbed a man through the eye, one time," says Oluwande.
"On accident," mutters Izzy bitterly. There is a thumping sound as if someone has kicked him beneath the table.
The Swede nods. "And tied a man's hands to oars to force him to row!"
"Remember the time with the fake lighthouse?" says Wee John. "That was pretty impressive."
"He does a damn fine wooden boy voice for the Pinocchio story. No one else's is half as good," says Roach. "You've got a fine Captain of a son."
His father laughs.
"What's funny, mate?" Asks Blackbeard, voice dangerously calm.
"Is this some kind of joke? Are you actors he's paid to continue his pathetic ruse of being a pirate? I mean, it's Stede, he's not like you lot, he's the weakest pansy I ever did see. Look at him, he's--" before he can even finish his sentence, there's a knife at his throat.
"Don't say another word about him," Blackbeard snarls. "Or I'll tear out your intestines and hang you with them. Got it?"
He nods fearfully. Just like that the knife is gone, and Blackbeard is eating his breakfast again, smiling wide and dreamily as he steals glances at Stede.
"Mmph!" says Ed through another huge mouthful of food, "let me tell you this story about the time Stede had the most brilliant idea. We were about to give up, trapped between two enemy ships, and he said, at the same time as me, like we were, like, brain connected, he said, we ought to do a fuckery!"
As Ed keeps telling the tale, his parents sitting in stony silence as the rest of the crew interjects to clarify a point or add in a detail, Stede realizes something. Maybe these people who he thinks the world of, people he can't stop talking about, telling tales of their bravery and cleverness and strength…
These people might think the world of him too.
---
As they leave, Stede is so near to crying that he can't meet anyone's eye.
"Sorry I threatened to take out your dads intestines," says Ed, sounding genuinely a little remorseful.
"Hope we didn't embarrass you in front of your family," says Black Pete. "Kidding, I don't care."
"I must confess I thought I would be the one doing the embarrassing. As you know, sometimes I ruin things, and no one in that town thinks much of me, I didn't want you all to… to…" to his mortification, he does begin to cry. They're not even back to the ship, they're in the middle of town and any minute someone might recognize him and start taunting him because no one likes him here, and he should never have come back. God, he sees someone he knows right now, by the market stalls, staring between him and Ed like they've seen a ghost.
Ed rubs his shoulder, and it occurs to him that Ed hasn't removed his hand from Stede since they arrived at his house.
"You don't ruin things, Stede," says Ed. "Even if your family says so. Around here, we know who you are."
He looks at Ed, and he feels like a fool for returning here when his family has been around him all along, right here.
"I don't think I'm coming back here again."
"Good, because we also robbed them blind while you were in the bathroom," says Jim, tossing him a coin.
"You what?!" He laughs. They've got plenty of money, they'll get over it, but he will probably never be welcome in this place again.
That's alright. He's got the whole sea to call home.