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It genuinely helps, is the thing. Being away. It gives him perspective, gives him time to think that isn't constantly interrupted by armed conflict and life or death situations. Steve hasn’t drawn his weapon outside of a range in months, and he hasn’t had a physical altercation in almost as long.
(He may have stopped one armed robbery but what was he supposed to do, Danny? Let the old lady get held up?)
For the first three weeks he doesn't know what to do with himself. He’s restless and irritable and distracts himself with climbing mountains and hiking in the desert and any other physical trial he can think of in order to get out of his own head.
He does eventually get a therapist.
(If the point of this is to get your head figured out you definitely should not do that alone, Danny says. Your brain is a two-man job minimum, babe.)
It helps more than he thought it would. It’s not like it was with him and Danny, partially because nothing is, but mostly because no one is making him, no one is monitoring his progress (except maybe Danny), and it's good.
She has a good ear for detail, a sense of humour, and a high enough military clearance that Steve can actually tell her things.
He does end up telling her a lot, more than he expected. They talk about Freddie, his dad, and his mom (which is when he finds out about her clearance). They talk about Five-O and his team, about how much he misses Chin and Kono. About what happened with Jenna. About Wo Fat.
He talks about Cath and how he thought that she was what he wanted, except that’s not who they were as people. Cath wanted the job, and Steve wanted a home. He’s always loved her, still loves her, but has probably never actually been in love with her and he’s just glad they’re still friends. He talks about Mary, and how he’s been working to reconnect to her. Talks about how human it makes him feel, to have a sister and a niece and how much he loves them, how grateful he is to have them in his life.
He talks about Danny a lot. Hell, his therapist probably knows as much about Danny as she does about Steve. It’s hard not to, though. Danny is everywhere, in every nook and cranny of Steve’s life since the day he met him. Steve never really puts down roots, it’s not his nature, but it is Danny’s, and despite his very loud objections Danny had rooted himself right into every aspect of Steve. Had rooted them both to the family they built for each other.
So yeah, he talks about Danny a lot.
He also talks to Danny a lot. They text all the time, usually about nothing in particular: Steve sends selfies of whatever trail he’s on, and Danny sends him photos of Charlie covered in paint from some school project or Eddie swimming in the backyard.
They talk regularly, too. Wednesday nights are when Danny has Charlie, and no matter where Steve is in the world he makes sure to call at the right time, so he can talk to Charlie for a minute before he goes to bed. After, he listens with a full heart as Danny puts the phone on the nightstand and softly tucks Charlie in before picking the phone back up and taking Steve out into the living room with him.
Sometimes they talk about whatever case Danny is working on, but more often than not they just talk about life. About where Steve is that week, about Danny’s horror over Junior’s diet ( protein shakes and kale are not food, Steven ), about Charlie’s swimming lessons. Steve listens to Danny’s helpless, honest heartbreak as he tells him about Gracie calling one night, teary and homesick and a thousand miles away. Danny asks about how therapy is going, and sometimes Steve tells him about it. Sometimes it's too raw or too much about Danny, and Steve just doesn't know how. Danny tells him he misses him every time, but never asks when he’s coming back. Steve knows he wants to but is stopping himself, and it makes Steve ache.
He tells his therapist about it when they talk that week.
“I know he wants to ask me but he won’t.”
“It sounds like he’s trying to respect your choices.”
Steve snorts. “Well, that would be a first.”
She smiles. “You know what I'm going to ask you. ”
Steve sighs. “Yeah, I know.”
Steve thinks about it, tries to define how he feels about Danny, waiting at home for him, telling him he misses him but not asking him to come back. It makes him feel so many things at once–sad, guilty, hopeful–but most of all it makes him feel loved, so loved he doesn't know what to do with himself. He’s not sure how to say that out loud though.
“I miss him,” he says instead, because he’s said it before and it’s true. He misses Danny like a limb, reaches for him sometimes out of habit, even now, half an ocean away.
“You’ve told me a great deal about him. I know he’s very important to you.”
“I don’t know what I’d do without him,” Steve says honestly. He really doesn't. Doesn't know what his life would have looked like if he hadn’t met him. Hell, he doesn't even know if he’d still be alive.
“I love him,” he says. He loves me, he thinks helplessly.
She doesn't say anything, just lets him sit with his thoughts for a moment. It’s a clever trick; Steve thinks she’d be great in an interrogation room. His chest feels tight and his palms are damp with sweat where he’s clenching the arms of his chair. His heart is beating fast. He really does love Danny, but that’s not new, not even saying it is new, so he’s not sure what the hell is wrong with him.
“Steve? Do you want to take a break?”
“I’m fine,” he rasps in a distinctly un-fine tone of voice.
“Okay. Well, you know we can stop whenever you want. Can you tell me what’s going on in there?” she asks gently, gesturing at him through the screen.
Steve isn’t sure he knows for a long minute. His thoughts are muddled and indistinct and he’s hunting through them like a casefile.
(His therapist tries to remind him that his feelings aren’t actually domestic terrorists he needs to bring in, but (a) they sure feel like it sometimes, and (b) it honestly helps him to think about them that way when he’s feeling overwhelmed.
Danny had stared at him so long after Steve told him that, he’d thought the video dropped.)
Suddenly though, he remembers something they had talked about weeks ago, when he told her about Cath, and it all clicks neatly into place, one piece after the other. They had talked about how he wanted a family, and she had asked him if he could imagine what that would look like, but he just drew a blank. He could see the edges of it but the details were all missing. Now though, it was all there in front of him, spilling out of his heart into his brain. It was Danny in his house, waiting for Steve to come home, and Charlie trying to sneak his peas to Eddie under the table, and Gracie home from college for Thanksgiving. The two of them on the couch, Danny tucked close, laughing and arguing over whatever they were watching.
It was Steve being where he felt loved.
Well, shit.
“I’m in love with him,” Steve says, sounding winded even to his own ears.
Their session runs a bit late.
-
He’s still reeling three hours later, lying on his hotel bed, damp from a post workout shower. He calls Mary without even thinking about it.
“Hey Steve,” she answers. “What’s up?”
“I’m in love with Danny,” he says, because it’s always better to just rip the bandage right off.
“Well, duh. Good of you to finally admit it.”
“Wait, you knew?” Steve feels a little offended.
“Of course I knew, are you kidding me right now? Every criminal on the island probably knows, Steve.”
Steve can feel his jaw working, though no sound comes out.
“Wait,” Mary says, a note of horror creeping into her voice, ”are you telling me you didn’t know?”
“Of course I didn’t know!” Steve yells.
“Oh my god, how did you not know?” Mary yells back. “Okay, hold on, I need to put you on speaker for this.”
“What?”
“I need my hands, relax, it's just me in the house.”
“How did you know?” Steve asks.
“That you were hopelessly in love with your partner? Let’s see, you moved him into your house to start, and it's not like I don’t know the bedroom situation over there. And then there’s the fact that you constantly ditched your girlfriends any time he needed you for anything, which by the way you should apologise to them for, and that you bought him a restaurant when you thought you were gonna lose him at Five-0, and that you go to his parent teacher conferences with him, and that you barely touched anyone after Dad died but you couldn't keep your hands off him to save your life. Do you need me to keep going?”
Steve really doesn’t.
“You couldn't have told me?”
“I thought you knew and were being an idiot about it! I didn’t want to spook you into putting a bro-like distance between you and Danny when it would just make you miserable.”
They’re both silent for a moment after that.
“Steve, this is a good thing, you know that, right?” she asks quietly. “Like–you're an idiot, but this is really good.”
It does feel good, Steve can’t argue there. A little overwhelming, a little terrifying, but good.
“Yeah.”
Mary snickers.
“Danny is gonna give you so much hell for making him wait this long.”
“What?”
“Steve.” The horror creeps back into her tone. “You gotta know he loves you back, right?”
“I know Danny loves me.” Steve frowns.
“Yeah, no. I mean in love with you loves you, like, has been literally keeping your bed warm, lets you parent his kids, flew into two active war zones to come get you, in love with you.”
Steve is absolutely silent.
“Oh my god.”
“Mary...”
“Oh my god, how are you so smart and so fucking stupid at the same time, oh my god.”
Steve is still processing when his phone buzzes in his ear. He pulls back to see a text from Kono on the screen.
-Way to go boss!-
“Are you texting Kono right now?!”
“I told you I needed my hands. Come on Steve, this is big news, I had to share!” He can hear the wicked little grin in her voice.
“You are the worst,” Steve groans.
Marry just laughs at him, but all in all Steve finds he’s really not that mad about it.
-
He makes it three days before he’s on a plane back to Hawaii.
He doesn't tell Danny, or anyone else on the island, for that matter.
He does text Mary though, just a picture of his boarding pass as he’s waiting in the airport.
She texts him back almost immediately.
-!!!!-
-Go get your man!!-
Steve rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling.
He decides to email his therapist, too. This is a big decision and she's part of the op team now, so.
Her response is not as immediate as Mary’s but it is just as encouraging.
Hi Steve,
Sounds like you’ve found a piece of what you're looking for. I’m very happy for you.
Enjoy it, you’ve worked very hard for it. I look forward to hearing about it on Thursday.
Steve feels clearer than he has in years when his section gets called for boarding.
—
Danny’s new Camaro is in Steve's driveway when he gets out of the cab. Steve had actually known it would be. He had talked to Danny two days ago and listened dutifully as he bitched about how he was on dog-sitting duty this weekend because Junior and Tani were going on a surfing trip.
Steve snorts. “Please, you love Eddie and my house.”
“I like Eddie,” Danny corrects, “and while your house is very nice you understand that the appeal of coming over is that you are in it, right? That said, Eddie begs for my food less often and I actually get to watch a Jets game in peace every now and then so…”
Steve grins so hard his face hurts.
“I miss you too, pal.”
So yeah, Steve knew Danny would be here but he can’t help but feel like Danny would have been here anyways, because somehow Danny was always right where Steve needed him.
He’s barely put his keys down before he gets jumped. Eddie is all over him, whole body wagging, a high pitched whine whistling out of him like a kettle boiling. Steve drops down immediately, heart squeezing as Eddie joyfully licks his face.
“Hey buddy, I missed you too,” he murmurs, dropping a kiss onto Eddie’s head before nuzzling into him. Eddie’s body is still wagging but he’s happily containing it to where Steve's arms are around him. He hears Danny's voice before he sees him poke out of the kitchen.
“What, she get sick of you already?” he jokes. Except Steve isn’t Junior, and Danny's eyes go wide when they see him.
Danny is standing in the doorway to his kitchen with a tea towel slung over his shoulder, and Steve loves him so much it’s a wonder he ever manages to say anything else. He looks healthy, more colour in his face than when Steve left, less tentative about his movements. Steve knows the more superficial injuries healed a while ago, has been silently monitoring them every video call, but it’s not the same as seeing him in person.
He looks good, too. His trim figure is clad in jeans and a t-shirt that highlight the breadth of his shoulders, and Steve lets his gaze linger on strong forearms and slim hips before trailing back up to wide blue eyes. Steve feels a warmth of a different kind settle comfortably in his gut after sliding down his spine, and wonders if that had been there all along too.
He stands up, one hand absently on Eddie’s head.
“Hey, Danno.”
Danny opens his mouth to say something. Probably to yell something, honestly, but whatever he sees on Steve’s face must change his mind because he snaps it shut and when he opens it again all that comes out is a hoarse “Get over here”.
And Steve is on it, already in Danny’s airspace by the time it’s out of his mouth. He folds himself around Danny and just holds on. Danny’s arms hold him back, one hand wrapping around the back of Steve’s neck, the other spread wide between his shoulder blades. Steve cups Danny’s head and does not let his hand slide down to a more bro hug appropriate area.
They stay like that for a long moment. Steve’s not sure how long but he thinks he could stay like this forever if Danny wanted him to.
“What the hell’s the matter with you?” Danny says eventually. “No call, no text? Nothing?”
Steve is sure he means it to scold, but it loses its heat when it’s muffled into Steve’s shoulder where Danny is clinging to him.
“It’s good to see you too.” Steve aims for dry, but his voice and eyes are both a little too watery to make it convincing.
Danny pulls back a bit to look at him, though not far enough to let Steve go, fist still bunched in Steve's shirt.
“You look like hell. When was the last time you slept?”
Steve was too wired for sleep the second he hit the airport, so he suspects it's been pretty close to a full 24.
“I dozed on the plane,” he says defensively. Danny just snorts and tugs his shirt until Steve steps in time with him, one of Steve’s arms slinging out over Danny’s shoulders as he lets Danny lead him into the kitchen. It smells amazing in there, something bubbling in a pot on the stove. Steve’s stomach growls.
“What’s for lunch?” he asks, looking hopefully down at the pot and reaching for the wooden spoon placed across the rim. Danny smacks his hands away.
“You mean what am I having for lunch? Salsa di Pomodoro. Get away from my sauce.”
Steve pouts.
“Don’t give me that face. Make yourself useful, huh, get me a beer.” He flaps a hand towards the fridge and Steve goes, obediently grabbing two Longboards and handing one to Danny.
It’s almost like nothing has changed as Danny finishes up the pasta and dishes it out onto two plates, complaining the whole time about how Steve has been back for thirty seconds and he’s already commandeering his lunch as they settle onto the couch.
“You weren’t going to eat it all anyways.”
“No, I was not. I was going to put some in the freezer for Junior, because the kid needs to eat real actual food instead of whatever they teach you to eat in the army.”
“Navy,” Steve says reflexively, the familiarity of it soothing him.
“Whatever.”
Steve clears their plates into the kitchen and Danny has a game on by the time he gets back. He slides into the space right next to Danny and throws his arm around his shoulder, pulling Danny as close as he can get without actually being on Steve’s lap. They’ve sat like this before, many times, and Steve allows himself to reflect that yeah, maybe it’s not, strictly speaking, the most buddies thing he's ever done.
Danny leans his head back, resting it against Steve’s bicep with his eyes closed. Steve wants to kiss him so bad it hurts and huh, that doesn't feel new either.
“So,” Danny starts. “You, uh, just home for a visit, or home for good, or?” He’s trying to sound neutral about Steve’s answer, but Steve knows him. He can hear the trepidation, like Steve’s answer could break his heart, and Steve hates that he made Danny feel like this. Hates that he hurt him, that he had made Danny doubt for a second what he means to Steve.
Steve doesn't regret leaving. He knows he needed to. But he does regret leaving Danny unsure.
Steve is a man of action though, and he’s not going to focus on regret when he can focus on making things right.
“Yes,” Steve says firmly. Danny opens his eyes to look at Steve.
“Yes?”
“I’m home for good, Danno.”
“Oh. Well. That’s good.” But Danny still sounds a little fragile. Steve squeezes his arm around him.
“It took a while, you know, to get clear on what I wanted. What my life was gonna be outside of the Navy and 5-0. Honestly, I still don’t know what it’s gonna look like, and I'm not gonna lie, it scares me.”
Danny’s watching him intently, brow knit with concern. Steve fights the sudden urge to smooth away the lines with his free hand.
“But I tell you what I do know for sure, and that’s if you’re here?” He gestures at Danny and back to himself. “I’m here. Whatever that looks like, whatever you want it to, I'm in, 110 percent. Because I don’t know what I want my life to look like, but I know I want you in it. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't important to me Danny. You’re–”
Steve swallows, flounders here a little because he’s come a long way but it’s still hard. Eventually he just shrugs, voice softening.
“You’re kind of it for me, man. You’re my best friend. I love you. I love your kids. I love what we do together. I even love you bitching about my driving. I can’t promise I'll never have to leave again, but I can promise I'll always fight to come back. So yeah, I'm home for good if you are.”
Danny’s eyes look a little pink, and when it comes his voice sounds a little close to hysterical.
“You went away for three months to figure out you like it when I bitch about your driving?”
“That’s what you’re taking away from what I just said?”
“Just shut up for a second, will you.”
Steve snaps his mouth closed dramatically and gestures at Danny with the arm not wrapped around him.
Danny’s pinching the bridge of his nose but he hasn’t moved out of Steve’s space. They stay like that for a beat before Danny takes his hand away from his face and gives a stilted little nod.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” Steve frowns.
“Yeah. Okay. I’m in.” Danny is looking at him now. “Like you said, 110 percent. Whatever you want it to look like.”
And it feels like Danny is asking. Like Danny is waiting for him to define the shape of it, so he knows how to fit all of his love into whatever configuration Steve wants. Like maybe he’s been asking for years.
Steve knows immediately what shape he wants it to take and thinks, Fuck it. Go big or go home.
“We could get married.”
Danny almost chokes on his own tongue.
"I’m sorry, what?"
“I think we should get married,” Steve clarifies, because there’s no point in being coy about it.
Danny wriggles away from him, which is not what Steve wanted at all, and then his hands are on Steve’s face, tilting it so Danny can see his eyes.
"Did you hit your head? Do you have a concussion? Do I need to take you to the hospital?"
Steve sets his jaw and holds his ground. He’s holding onto Danny’s forearm too, but that’s pretty much his ground anyways.
“I’m serious.”
“Yeah, I can tell. You’re wearing your ‘I’m very serious about this’ face.” Danny looks worried. “Babe, what’s this about?”
“It’s about me thinking we should get married.” Steve frowns. He’d thought he made that pretty clear.
“Okay. I’m gonna very generously ignore that that is insane, and that you are insane, for just a minute because I really need you to tell me why.”
“Why what?”
“Why do you think we should get married?”
Steve’s instinct is just to wave a hand and say because, but he has been working on emotional honesty and he figures Danny deserves it.
“I told you, I took some time to get my head clear.”
“Obviously not enough.”
Steve ignores him.
“For a long time I thought it shoulda been Cath, you know? A wife, kids, working with you all day, coming home to a family at night, just like my old man did. But it’s you I come home to, Danny. It’s you who gave me a family. No matter what, it’s you who’s looking out for me and you’ve never wavered, not once, not ever.”
Danny looks stricken, shakes Steve a little where his hands have fallen to his shoulders.
“ Steve. Hey. Steve? I need you to listen to me very carefully, because it's very important that you hear what I'm about to say to you. I’ve always got you, okay? You think, what, if you don't put a ring on it I might get restless? Find myself a new lunatic to shack up with? Huh? I’m not going anywhere."
And boy, does Steve know. His throat swells up with how much he knows that.
Danny laughs, a harsh, rough sound, like he's swallowed a gallon of seawater.
"Also, typically, this is the kind of thing you ask a girl after you take her on a few dates.”
Steve snorts.
"I’ve taken you on hundreds of dates."
"Uh, no. No you have not, because that would require you to pay for anything, ever, even one time."
“You gonna marry me or not, Danno?"
"Is this what they recommended to you in therapy? Because if so, I’m gonna have to have a word with your therapist."
“It’s a pretty simple question.”
"It's a–what the hell is the matter with you, a simple question?"
"Sorry, do you need me to rephrase? Get down on one knee?"
“What I need is for you to get your head checked!"
Steve decides he needs to change tactics.
"What’s the hold up? You already live in my house and eat my food and bitch about how I take my coffee, and I love you, so I don’t really think it’s that crazy of an idea.”
" Steven. Marriage isn't a buddy thing, you get that, right? It’s a distinctly romantic situation."
" Yeah, Danny, I know how marriage works." Steve rolls his eyes.
Danny stares. Steve waits, gives him a minute to put it together. It’s probably the longest sixty seconds of his life.
"Are you, are you fucking kidding me right now? This is how you wanna share that information?"
Steve opens his mouth to say yes, that’s what he’s been trying to do, thanks for paying attention, but Danny doesn't let him.
"Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be.” Danny waves a hand. “You always gotta be like this, huh? Shoot first, ask questions later."
"Pretty sure I asked a question first, actually. You gonna answer it this century, or…?"
"I hate you so much."
"You love me."
“Don’t know why."
Steve squeezes the back of Danny’s neck again.
“You can say no, Danny.” As much as he absolutely doesn't want him to, it’s important Steve makes him get this, because he knows Danny will sacrifice his own heart for Steve’s any day of the week and that’s the opposite of what he’s trying to achieve here. “I told you, whatever you want this to look like. I’m in. 110 percent.”
“I’m not saying no, I'm saying you’re a lunatic.”
“You’re not saying no?”
“Come here, you mook.”
Danny’s hands are warm on his face, and then he’s kissing him. It's soft and gentle and careful and Steve’s brain stops working for a moment. When it finally comes back online, he’s all over Danny, with one hand on his face and the other cupping his neck, and he gets his knees up under him to loom over Danny on the couch.
“Get down here, come on,” Danny murmurs, pulling and pushing him until Steve is in his lap and it’s a perfectly ridiculous position for two grown men but it saves Danny’s knee and it means he can feel Danny’s thighs strong and warm underneath him. “I missed you so much, you ass.”
“I missed you too,” Steve manages between kisses, dropping them onto Danny’s mouth and jaw and neck and god, he’s never been so glad Danny gave up wearing ties.
“Steve, babe, hey.” Strong fingers take Steve by the chin and hold him so Danny can kiss him, wet and messy and with a hint of teeth that drives Steve insane. “You uh, know that typically, married people have sex right?”
“I sure fucking hope so,” Steve mutters, biting at Danny’s lips again.
“Okay good, great, just wanted to check.”
Steve grins.
“How do you feel about pre-marital sex?”
“That is possibly the least sexy way i’ve ever been asked for a fuck.”
“Yeah, you seem real turned off by it.” Steve grinds his hips down where he can feel something warm and hard and making a liar out of Danny.
Danny makes a noise low in his chest and leans forward to get his teeth around the juncture of Steve’s neck and shoulder, and Steve's eyes roll back in his head.
“I love you too, just so we’re clear,” Danny murmured.
“I know.”
“You know?”
“Kinda figured it out after I figured out that I was in love with you. Apparently we’re not very subtle.”
Danny narrows his eyes.
“When uh, exactly, did you figure this out?"
“Three days ago.”
“Three days,” Danny repeats. “You did the speed run from ‘I’m in love with my best friend’ to ‘we should get married' in three days.”
"Technically I did it in two, but I took a third to figure out the being into guys thing, as a precaution."
"Of course you did. Only you would fit a sexuality crisis into 24 hours."
Steve rolls his eyes.
"Danny, international missile strikes are a crisis. I was just doing some recon."
By doing recon he means he spent a full day jerking off to the thought of Danny’s hands all over him and reading a truly impressive amount about how to be good at gay sex between orgasms, but he figures it counts.
Danny's eyebrows look like they’re making a break for it, like he might yell at Steve some more, so Steve grabs his face.
“Look, it was a very productive three days okay?” He does his best to kiss whatever Danny was about to say out of his mouth.
They get lost in it for a while after that, until Steve eventually has to sit back, because his spine is forty now and it starts objecting to the angle needed to make up for their height difference.
Danny just looks at him then, one hand cupping Steve's face, thumb stroking slowly over his cheekbone.
Steve lets his eyes fall closed, pushes his face into the firm warmth of Danny's hand.
“Sorry I made you wait so long,” he mutters, abashed.
“You’re worth the wait, babe,” Danny says, calm and sure, like he means it.
Steve kisses him, again and again and again.
–
“Hey,” Danny says later, their bed a disaster and Steve resting his head smugly on Danny’s shoulder.
“Mm,” Steve responds.
“Yes, by the way.”
“Yes?” Steve frowns because there are too many endorphins in his bloodstream right now to process a non sequitur. It’s not really helped by Danny running a hand through Steve’s short hair, blunt nails scratching across Steve’s scalp in a way that feels so good Steve actually moans a little. Figures Danny would clock all of his weak spots three rounds in.
“I’ll marry you.”
That gets Steve’s attention. He lifts himself up onto an elbow to look at Danny.
“Really?”
“Yes really, you jerk.”
“Okay great, good, perfect.” Steve smiles, so big it hurts his face. “I love you.”
“You’re such an idiot,” Danny laughs. He looks joyful, eyes crinkling at the corners, mouth curled up at the edges, all teeth. “C’mere.”
And when he asks, Steve goes.