Chapter Text
26 July, 1884
Today is— was— Ayame’s birthday.
I placed a sign on my door for Mrs. Hudson and Sholmes, expressing that I absolutely do not wish to be disturbed at all today. My blinds are drawn and the heat has made the room stuffy, but I don’t think I have the strength to put in the effort of opening the window. I am thankful that both Mrs. Hudson and Sholmes have the tact to respect my wishes. However, it seems that Mrs. Hudson is too much of a busybody, as she offered to bring me tea or water once or twice before Sholmes quietly ushered her off.
I wish I had work today, perhaps it would have taken my mind off of today. No, unfortunately my thoughts are too loud and dreary. I didn’t want to wake up today, I would have been satisfied with that. Everything is so extreme in London; extreme heights of buildings that anyone can access, extreme traffic where the oddly timed step could spell doom with a horse’s hoof, extreme depths from the River Thames that rumbles at my feet. It’s exhausting trying to drown out their calls to me, I wish I was myself again; I wish that these past seven months have just been an awful nightmare.
Isn’t it a disgrace? My daughter is well, my mother is taken care of, I’m getting the opportunity of a lifetime and I am selfishly wishing none of it had ever happened. My mother insists that I am “generous”, but I’m just a coward that can only think of himself. I suppose if I never woke up today, I would just be another disappointment in her life, and I wouldn’t want poor Mrs. Hudson to have to come across that sight either.
Sholmes pushed a note under my door sometime after suppertime, I think I heard the grandfather clock chime seven times? Perhaps he has some sensitivities after all, I would hate to see how Mrs. Hudson is if Sholmes of all people is concerned for my well being.