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Erwin had been reading deep into some documents when came a soft knock on his hospital room door.
“Yes?” Erwin imagined it could be military business. Truthfully, he wanted and needed rest, but that did not come with the role of commander. However, to his surprise, he was answered by a voice he would recognize anywhere.
“Erwin, it’s Marie, can I come in?”
“Yes.” He replied maybe a little too fast. They hadn’t met each other in a while and truth be told he did miss her as she had once been one of his closest friends and still was pretty much the only person he was close with that wasn’t in the military. Whenever they met, however few those encounters were, he always felt somewhat lighter after. He could desperately use that feeling now.
He listened as the door opened and Marie walked in, she looked beautiful. Her hair had grown a little darker from when they were younger, but it suited her now more mature features and her hazel eyes remained as enticing as always. It made Erwin happy to see her seemingly so well.
“Marie! It’s good to see you.” And it was, it really was. After losing so many friends, especially Mike, seeing someone he’d known for so long standing before him, healthy and alive, was priceless and exactly what he needed after everything. She gave him a beautiful smile and her eyes brightened up, though he could notice concern in them too.
“Yeah, you too.” She said softly, placing a large bag she’s brought with her near the bed. She then took a really good look at Erwin. He couldn’t really make out what her thoughts were when she saw what remained of his arm. Horror? Sadness? Disgust? Anger? A million different emotions fleshed through her eyes. Yet after just a second, she seemed to take it all in and just released a frustrated sigh. He tried giving her a comforting smile, but it just made her look sad. That expression did not belong in her face, much less if he was the reason for it being there.
“Fuck, Erwin. You’ve really outdone yourself this time, haven’t you?” She sounded more resigned than anything, almost as if something like this had been a long time coming. Maybe it had been.
“Marie, I -” He didn’t really know what to say. “I wasn’t expecting you to come.”
“Is this a bad time?” She asked cautiously.
“No. I just didn’t think-” he cut himself before finishing. Too late, because going by the murderous expression on her face, she realized what he had been about to say.
“Didn’t think what? That I cared?” Erwin tried to maintain his face expressionless, but she knew him for way too long to fall for that. “Really? We’ve known each other for decades and you thought I wouldn’t care?”
“It’s just that we hadn’t spoken in a while and I know you have your kids, so I didn’t expect you to come.”
“Fuck, Erwin, I thought you were dead -” She interrupted him, frustration and concern coming through in her tone. “People were talking about how the great Commander of the Survey Corps had been gravely injured, not even Nile knew you were still alive and I -” Don’t worry for me , he wanted to say, but knew it was better to let her finish. “I thought you were gone and then you weren’t- How could I not come?” Emotion poured in her voice, he hated being the cause of her distress. She deserved better than this. She deserved the peace and quiet he could never give her.
“I’m fine. It will be fine.” He wasn’t sure he was trying to convince her or himself, but it was the best he could come up with to offer her comfort.
“Right.” She didn’t believe it, clearly, but she wasn’t going to push it. Marie had always known how to pick her battles and this one wasn’t worth it, at least not right now, and they both knew it. She hesitated a little before changing topics and asking, “Are you still going to be Commander?” The question wasn’t accusing, it was more as if she was only trying to confirm what she already knew.
“Yes.” He answered dryly. Marie just hummed in response, probably expecting this answer, but wanting a different one. “I can’t stop. I’m so close, Marie. Closer than I’ve ever been. I can’t, not now.” He didn’t have to say close to what for her to understand.
To be honest, Erwin said that expecting an argument. It would be better to deal with it now. He almost wanted her to call him stupid or selfish, because it’s what he is, but that’s not who Marie is.
“Erwin, I-” She was choosing her words carefully, maybe even realizing what reaction he’d been expecting from her. Marie then ran one of her hands through her hair, took a good look at him, sighed and, finally, said earnestly, “I’m not here for a fight nor to tell you how to live your life. You’re too grown up and stubborn for that. And I don’t think I can care for two adult men.” Her tone was a bit lighter by the end, but still truthful. He imagined Nile was still a handful… ah, Marie had always had a way to get to him, he hoped that hadn’t changed. They were good together.
“All I can say is that I truly hope you find what you’re looking for.” She concluded, snapping him out of his thoughts. He knew there was more to her words than she’d let out.
“Do you not think me delusional for pursuing a childhood dream?”
“Yes. But that’s what’s always made you, you. You wouldn’t have gotten this far without the drive your dreams give you.” Erwin knew Marie had never seen a future with him, because she had always known he loved his dreams more than he could ever love her. He wishes Levi would figure out the same, because Erwin is too selfish to let him go. It’s funny, he loved Marie enough to let her go, but he loves Levi too much to do the same.
“I also won’t tell you to stop seeking your dreams, because I fear that would be the same as killing you. And I don’t want you to die.” It was a quiet but loaded admission.
“I’m not dead.”
“You sure as hell came close -” Marie calmed herself before proceeding. “Your life is not disposable… Don’t go throwing it away. There are people who love and care for you. There’s more to life than this.” He was going to tell her all the lies he told himself to keep going, how it was the job and how being replaced was natural in this line of work, but she raised her hand to stop him.
“I know what your duty is as commander, I know Survey Corps don’t usually equate a long life and I know you can only do what you do, because you have a goal in mind. Just don’t let it turn into the only thing you live for.” Erwin went quiet. He wasn’t sure how much he believed that. Maybe it was true for other people, for her, for Levi, but not for him… not after all he’d done. And getting attached was the quickest way to hesitation and he couldn’t hesitate, not now.
“Just be sure that this dream you are pursuing is truly what will grant you peace in the end.” She concluded, snapping him out of his thoughts.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“That you are risking your life for this… you have been chasing this goal for so long and I just don’t want you to realize too late that there are more important things, more important people , than this.” Marie looked at him intensely, daring him to challenge her words.
He knew exactly what she was implying, but he didn’t want to consider the possibility of her being right. If he stopped for one second to think about retiring and living in a little cabin by the woods with Levi, just them, at peace, he wouldn’t be able to move. His goals were finally within his reach, yet he refused to picture a happy future like that until after he’d accomplished them. Truth be told, Erwin didn’t feel like he’d deserve it, death scared him less and less every passing day. The only thing keeping him here apart from his dream was the thought of hurting Levi.
“Erwin?” He heard Marie’s voice and realized he’d been spacing out. When he just hummed a quiet yes in response, she gave him a knowing look and raised one eyebrow. She was good, he had to give her that. She’d done what she’d set out to do and got him questioning, but just as quick as these thoughts came to his mind, he sent them to the depths of his subconscious. “Just think about it, will you?”
He nodded with a sigh. Marie looked resigned, however, instead of pushing it, she went to pick up the bag she’d brought and with a teasing smirk removed a book from inside it. He hadn’t been brought books yet, just reports. Maybe it was something Nile had sent?
“Marie?”
“I figured you would like something other than military business to pass the time while you’re here.”
“I got some of your favorites. Hope your taste hasn’t changed too much.”
“I -”
“No need to thank me, just enjoy it.”
“I have to work.” He wasn’t ungrateful, but remembered he still had reports to read and death certificates to sign. He wasn’t even sure how he was going to accomplish that without his dominant hand. No time for books, to his dismay.
“You need to rest. No offense, but you look a mess.” Erwin laughed freely for the first time in a while. “You won’t get anything done while looking this worn out. Doing something other than reports and strategizing will allow you to think better.” He knew she was right. “And, uhm, since we’re at it… Maybe it’s not my place, but do you want some help with that beard or are you going to give this new look a shot?” He liked how she hadn’t simply assumed he couldn’t do something and had asked instead if help was needed. Way less imposing than Levi, who had volunteered first for the job, Erwin knew there was a lot of guilt involved too. Still Erwin did prefer Levi to be the one to do it, now the issue was how to tell Marie.
“Uhm, uh, I was going to shave it - I appreciate the offer, but uh, I already have arrangements to get it done.”
“Are these arrangements named Levi?” Erwin’s eyes widened before he could control his expression.
“Got it.” Marie said with a knowing smile, Erwin just rolled his eyes. “Levi’s a good man. I don’t know how he ended up with the likes of you.” She said teasingly, Erwin just looked down and agreed with a shy smile. “Ah, there it is, I’ve always loved that spark in your eyes when he’s mentioned. It makes them even more pretty than they already are, quite a feat if you ask me.” She gave him a wink. God, he’d missed her.
He remembered how she’d seen him and Levi once and immediately had known. Erwin had mentioned Levi before and she’d always indulged him… he hadn’t realized he had given so much away that she’d already worked it out . Erwin had felt close to panic then, after all he was sleeping with his subordinate and should their relationship have been outed, it would have become a scandal. The government would've defunded the corps, it had been years that they’d wanted to do that, all they would have needed was an excuse. Erwin would have never forgiven himself if that excuse had ended up being his selfish love for Levi. And it would’ve been his word against the wife of the Military Police commander. He knew what those nobles thought of him so yeah they’d have been, for the lack of a better word, fucked. Yet, above all, he had feared publicity would’ve driven Levi away. Marie, however, when confronted, just seemed genuinely happy for them, Erwin never outright confirmed their relationship, but he didn’t have to. She had even asked if she needed to give Levi the talk about what would happen if he hurt Erwin. Giving humanity's strongest soldier that talk? She was insane.
“You’re something else, you know?”
“I know.” Her confidence had remained unwavering through the years. Good. He was, maybe selfishly, glad that building a family hadn’t changed her too much. She was clearly more mature now, but she was still her.
Erwin realized that somehow the entire time she’d been here, he hadn’t bothered to ask about her family. He was such a selfish idiot, “How are the kids? And Nile?” If she was surprised by the change of topic, she didn’t show.
“Well, Nile’s being Nile. He’s worried about you… he just doesn’t know how to express it.” His relationship with Nile had been strained after they both became commander. Their jobs had come with different priorities and different outlooks on life. He hoped to someday mend it.
Erwin was going to tell Marie to tell Nile not to worry and that he’d be fine. However, before he could, a nurse came into the room to change Erwin’s bandages. He suddenly felt self conscious, he didn’t want Marie to see that. Plus Marie wasn’t used to blood and injury; he wanted to preserve her innocence and, if he was being honest, to preserve her image of him as strong and whole.
“You should leave. This might take a while.” He said sternly, almost like an order. He didn’t want to hurt her or make her feel unwelcomed, but he did not want her to see what was about to happen.
“I have time.” She said as the nurse was stood at the door, waiting for the occupants of the room to finish their little talk.
“Thank you for visiting, Marie.” He tried being cold to push her away. Please, leave. “This will be all. We can talk more another day.”
“Shut the fuck up, Erwin. Don’t go acting all Commander on me. I’m staying.” She could be almost as obstinate as Levi. Maybe he did have a type.
“Marie, it’s not going to be pretty.” He tried honesty.
“I know. I’m staying.”
He realized she was acting the same as she did on the last time they met before his first expedition beyond the walls. Back then Marie and Nile were already getting officially together and Erwin had told her and Nile to go spend some time together. He had had a fight with Nile and was not looking to amend it. In truth he’d been trying to cut ties with both of them in case he didn’t make it back, but she wasn’t having it. Instead she dragged him and Nile to her house and they just talked and played silly games like they would often do, never once mentioning the expedition…. it was exactly what he had needed that day. Marie’s concern for his happiness had always been endearing. Maybe in another life he could’ve been a better friend and lover to her.
Erwin gave the nurse the go ahead and took off his shirt with some help from Marie. Very dignifying. At least she hadn’t run away at the proper sight of his bandaged arm. As the nurse started tending to him, he turned the other way. He didn’t like looking at his stump, at the grim reminder of what had been taken from him, so he always faced the other way, sometimes that meant facing Levi, most of the time, he’d just stare at the wall until it was done. Avoidance at its finest. This time his eyes met Marie’s, who offered him a comforting smile.
He felt the nurse remove his final layer of bandage and closed his eyes, also hoping to avoid whatever expression Marie was going to make, because she had been looking at it and she was going to see all the ugliness it encompassed.
He hoped it would be quick, but since the universe hated him, the nurse said she’d need to redo some of his stitches and left to pick some more equipment. How long would he have to endure this? He hated every second of it, he just wanted to get back to his Commander activities. To go back to pursuing his ultimate goals. To think about something else other than the emptiness that had begun to consume his heart.
Marie picked up his left hand, probably noticing the distress on his face. “I’m here. It will be okay.” She said soothingly, using her “mom voice”. Great, he was being treated like a child, yet he couldn’t help but appreciate the warmth he felt in that moment.
The nurse shortly after came back and Erwin gave her the go ahead.
As the nurse started removing and redoing some of his stitches, he couldn’t help but flinch at the touch on his healing stump. There was one particular spot, right where the bone ended that made him almost scream in pain when touched. He saw Marie looking extremely concerned. He hated worrying her and he hated himself for putting that expression on her face, this had been exactly why he had tried, more than once, to cut ties with her.
Marie then squeezed his hand and when he looked up, she gave him a nod, permission to squeeze her hand back should he need it. He tried not to, he feared he’d hurt her, but the pain was excruciating and, eventually, he instinctively closed his hand against hers’. He heard a small gasp, probably coming from her, but that was the only sign of pain or discomfort that she gave him. Instead, she used her other hand to gently caress his face.
Marie then started talking to him about her kids. How her youngest, Hope, had just begun to walk and how her oldest, Charles, was starting school soon. How they both loved reading and how little Hope had the eyes of her mom while Charles’ looked more like his father. Erwin wasn’t able to contribute much, but he appreciated that she was taking his mind off of things.
After what felt like forever, the nurse finished her job and applied clean bandages to the wound. It was over, but, fuck, that had been humiliating. Erwin hated looking that vulnerable and he felt exhausted after the whole thing, but tried to look put together for her.
As the nurse left, Marie let go of his hand and when he looked to her face, he realized she’d been crying. Had he hurt her?
“Marie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you... If you need there's ice -"
“Erwin, what? You think my hand is why I’m crying?” He just nodded. The thought her tears were for him and not because of was not a pleasant one. “I’m crying because I care for you and I hate seeing you in this much pain, okay?” Erwin was too tired to properly rule his emotions, he could barely contain the urge to cry right there. Was it frustration? Was it pain? It didn’t matter, all he knew was that he felt an urge to let his stoic mask fall yet he didn’t. Maybe he would once Levi was here. “And it’s not like I’m some damsel in distress. Takes a lot more to hurt me. You offend me, Erwin.” Good on Marie to know how to lighten the mood. He chuckled at her remark.
“I suppose you’re right…”
“Damn right I am.” When he didn’t say anything else she changed the subject back to stories about her kids while drying the tears on her face. She kept going until he felt himself drifting off and closing his eyes.
“Erwin?” She called him softly as if afraid of waking him. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed.
“Yes.” He opened his eyes tiredly.
“I’m going to go now, alright? You deserve to rest.” He was about to argue, but realized she was right, he wasn’t going to hold her here when he wouldn’t even be able to carry on a conversation.“I’m leaving the books on your nightstand, is that okay?” He nodded. “I’ll try to come back soon, Erwin.” He smiled at her as she stood up and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead before turning to leave.
Before leaving, Marie looked back at him once more. “Be here.” And then she left.
Now, as the sun begins to rise on Shiganshina on what’s more than likely his last day on this world he wonders if Marie had had an intuition that might have been the last time she’d see him. He heard she’d gotten pregnant with her third and went back to the interior with her children, where she was safe and sound. He wished he’d gotten to say goodbye properly, but that would’ve only hurt her more and the knowledge that she and the people she loved were safe, or as safe as one could be in this world, was enough to grant him comfort. She’d be fine. He knew she would. At the moment, his main concern and biggest regret was Levi.
He stole a glance at the younger man, at his Captain, and the question Marie had posed about what would truly give him peace came to the forefront of his mind. He had his answer, but, as she feared, it had come too late.