Chapter Text
Stede was hardly breathing, breath caught in his chest, whole body stiff and shaking as Chauncey continued to rant at him about what an absolute monster he was. Even over the rushing of blood in his ears Stede heard every word as clear as if they were happening inside his head. He wanted it to stop, he wanted the cruel words to disappear, maybe then he wouldnt feel so positively sick with himself.
He was rotting from the inside out, and Chauncey had just cut him open, revealing the state of him that he had so desperately tried to deny even to himself.
This is how he was going to die. Sad, and scared, and absolutely disgusted with himself.
He would deserve it too.
There isn’t a world in which a man can abandon his wife, his children, and then reduce the most feared pirate on the sea to a man who talks about opening a restaurant and eagerly learns about luxury fabrics without facing retribution.
Without facing what a terrible man that made him, and then getting a fitting punishment.
Clearly this was going to be his. It really did fit the crime.
Stede Bonnet, dying alone and miserable, the same way he left everyone he got close to.
The gun went off and Stede watched, ears ringing, as Chauncey frantically reloaded his pistol. Fortunately this time he was unable to hear whatever venomous words he spat, since Stede was honestly unsure if he could take anymore than he already heard. Though he probably deserved to hear more, to go out with the truth of what a rotten person he was being laid bare before him.
Just as he finished that thought Chauncey took a few fevered steps towards him only to trip and fire the second shot directly into his own eye. Heart in his throat, Stede took a step away from the body, now pooling blood onto the ground below, and felt white hot pain lance up his side. His vision went spotty, and he struggled to stay standing, legs wanting to buckle under the weight of his own body. Looking down he immediately saw why.
He had been shot.
Oh.
He had been shot in Ed’s favourite place to get run through.
Ed.
He was supposed to be with Ed, running away to China.
All his thoughts narrowed down into one. He had to get to Ed before he died.
——-
Stede stumbled through the underbrush, feeling like a newborn deer. His clothes soaked red despite doing his best to keep pressure on the wound. Every step was agony, and his vision was blurring and swaying unsteadily as he fought off the urge to pass out. If he stopped or fell over now he was a dead man.
Dying was not an option until he made it to Ed. That thought kept him moving, each unsteady step working him towards his goal.
Time was warping around Stede, it felt like somehow both a hundred years and three seconds had passed before he managed to stumble out of the trees, and into soft sand. The sky was lighter than he remembered it being, now soft with pink hues, how long had he been walking again? This was as far as he would make it but it would be enough. At least now if he died it would be with Ed.
Knees buckling he dropped to the sand with a pained whimper, and sluggishly opened his eyes when he heard someone shout his name. When had he closed his eyes? And why did this person sound so panicked?
“St-?! S-DE?!” he struggled to take in the words being shouted at him “What happened?”
Oh right, he had been shot.
Stede let a loose grin form across his face as he looked at the blurry form of Ed in front of him.
“I was shot. Missed all the important bits.”
Ed let out a startled laugh. He was quickly removing his shirt and lowering Stede to lay on the sand, which was growing sticky with blood. How long had they been on the beach again? He roughly pressed the shirt into the wound, startling a groan out of Stede. God he was in so much pain. But at least it was helping him stay conscious. This way he got more time with Ed.
“Can you put pressure on that? I need to get us both in the boat.”
A sluggish nod was all Stede managed before he used all of his energy and focused on pressing the shirt against him as hard as he could. Which, honestly given his state was not very hard, but it would have to do while Ed got them situated. If Ed had anything to say about his efforts to staunch the bleeding Stede didn’t hear it as he blacked out as soon as Ed picked him up.
——-
Drifting back into consciousness, Stedes thoughts felt like molasses. He had a very tight belt on, and the whole world was rocking. Wait, no the world wasn’t rocking, he was in a boat. He did his best to open his eyes, Since even that sounded like a monumental task at the moment. Opening his eyes the barest sliver just to see, he got a sideways view of Ed frantically rowing the boat against a sky that was nearing noon.
Hadn’t it been night two minutes ago?
God Ed was beautiful like this, well he was always beautiful if you asked Stede.
Stede wanted to speak, to let Ed know he was okay, but his tongue felt leaden, and his throat felt dry.
Every breath was taking more energy than he had, and staying conscious was a quickly losing battle so Stede allowed the darkness to pull him back under.
——-
Stede wakes a few more times over who knows how long.
The second time he wakes, he’s gently coaxed to drink water and take some small bites of food from rough hands that feel familiar.
The third time he is yet again helped to drink and eat as much as he can manage in his state, but this time he manages to glimpse the beautiful face of the man helping him.
Maybe he had already died and this is what heaven was like.
The fourth time is much less pleasant and he’s being picked up by strong arms, which despite their care when lifting him, cannot prevent the agony that rips through him from the motion of his own weight shifting.
All of these times are fuzzy around the edges and surrounded by more things that may have been other instances of wakefulness or may have been dreams, too indistinct to tell apart.
—--
When Stede next awakens he is in a bed, His old bed on the Revenge to be exact.
He takes in what's happening around him. It’s night again, and he is covered with bandages in much the same way as the last time he was bedridden. Ed is sleeping next to him with bloody knuckles, which he will try to remember to ask about later.
Attempting to figure out exactly what led to him being in this position Stede begins to slowly work his way backwards through his fuzzy memories.
He was on the Dingy with Ed, for how long he was unsure. Before that he had met Ed on the dock, but he was bleeding, why had he been bleeding? OH.
Chauncey.
Suddenly it all comes rushing back to Stede and he bites down hard on his lip to muffle a sob that turns into a pained whimper, as the crying aggravated his wound. He couldn’t bring himself to stop though.
Stede was a monster.
He ruined Ed, ruined Mary’s life, abandoned his children, and killed two people.
This should not be happening. He should not be here, in bed, with Ed at his side. He should have died in those woods. Chauncey should have aimed better, he shouldn’t have run for Ed, Ed shouldn’t have saved him.
In his books the villains always got defeated, and he was clearly the villain of this story so why did he keep escaping? Why was he allowed to continue on, hurting everyone in his path?
“Stede?”
He looked over to see Ed was awake, his face tight with concern. Ed shouldn’t be looking at him like that, like he mattered, like he deserved care. It only served to make him cry harder.
“Hey, hey it’s okay. You’re going to hurt yourself if you keep going like that, I need you to calm down for me.”
Stede shakes his head, breaths shuddering.
“I-I can’t- I can’t-”
“Yes you can. Come on, breathe with me.”
Ed took his hand, gently guiding it to his chest despite Stede’s struggling, where he was taking slow deep breaths. Stede tried to pull his hand away a couple more times, but he was in no state to contest Ed's strong but gentle grip so he quickly settled.
“That's it. Just breathe.”
By the time Ed got him calmed down, the little energy he had awoken with was completely drained and he fell back asleep.
—--
“How is he?”
Stede felt hands gently touching around his injury, but even that was enough to draw whimpers from his throat. He kept his eyes shut hoping to avoid seeing his wounds, or Ed, even just his smoke rough voice was almost too much.
“Not as good as he should be. We need proper medical supplies, not just gauze, booze, and the best stitching Frenchie can manage. Besides, we really shouldn’t leave the bullet in there, but I worry getting it out will ruin all the work we did just to get him stable.”
That was Roach’s voice wasn't it?
“We have to save him.”
Ed sounded on the verge of tears, Stede heard the sounds of him beginning to pace.
“I understand that captain, but we just don’t have the proper supplies on this ship, and I’m more of a chef than a doctor. He needs real medical care.”
“Mmm. Go fetch Lucius. I think I might have a plan.”
“On it.”
Stede hears Roach flee the room, Ed continuing to pace. The last sound he hears before falling asleep once more is the door to his cabin closing.
—--
There are several moments where Stede comes close to awakening, or maybe he did awaken, on his end it’s quite hard to tell. His mind spends much of its time floating between sleep and wakefulness but never quite choosing either.
Occasionally things would manage to filter into the dark waters that Stede’s mind was floating in. Muffled voices that he couldn’t quite identify. The odd sensation, but that was usually just pain over anything else, though in one instance he was sure he had felt something gentle and warm press against his forehead.
It was quite easy to stay in this limbo he had spent who knows how long in, but Stede knew something had to change eventually. Even though he would very much like to remain, away from Chauncey and his words, away from Ed so he couldn’t hurt him. Maybe if he just stayed here then things would be okay.
But soon after that thought lazily swam through his consciousness something new made it into where he was floating. Someone was crying. They were also saying things in between sobs but he couldn't make the words out. Stede had an awful feeling it was about him. It seemed no matter what happened he was going to hurt people around him.
Maybe when he could manage to force himself awake properly, he could go find a small island somewhere and live alone. No one around to hurt, and he could spend his time reading.
Yeah that sounded like a good plan.
—--
The fabric of the bed had changed. That was the first thing Stede noticed. Actually it felt really familiar. It felt like the bed he used to share with Mary. He also no longer felt the gentle rock that came with being on the sea. Was he back home? How had he gotten there?
Stede managed to get his eyes open easily, he felt much more awake than every other time he had been awake, but he did still feel quite weak. He would not be moving anytime soon. Which was a real issue if he wanted to get away before he hurt anyone further. Especially since he was indeed in his old home.
He could not be here; he had hurt Mary and the children enough as it was, and if he had gotten back here while he was out, that likely meant Ed was here too.
Oh god, just what he needed, everyone all in one place so it was easier for him to muck up and hurt them all.
Hot tears spilled down his cheeks and into his sideburns, making the view of his bedroom ceiling blur.
What an absolute fool.
If he had only been thinking straight that night, then maybe he would have realized what a stupid idea going after Ed had been. He should have bled out in that clearing with Chauncey.
He should have died a long time ago. Before he could get Ed in his grasp. Maybe even before he could abandon his family.
Everyone kept telling him he was a lighthouse, but that knowledge never seemed to stop them cracking up on the rocks. If only he was a ship as well. Then he could crack up on the rocks like he deserved.
“Stede?”
Turning to look at the voice, he saw Mary bringing a pitcher of water, a bowl, and a cloth on a tray to the bedside table. She looked a bit startled and concerned like she was expecting, or maybe hoping, that he would still be asleep.
God he was already wrecking things wasn’t he?
The thought caused a new flood of tears to cascade down his face.
He opened his mouth to say something but Mary held up a hand to stop him.
“I’ll go get Ed, he’ll want to know you’re awake.”
She turns to leave, probably to go wherever in the manor Ed was at the moment.
“Wait.”
His throat was raw and dry, making it painful to talk, but he would endure anything to keep Ed from getting hurt by him. Just that one word was enough to send him into a coughing fit that pulled painfully on his injury.
Mary quickly poured some water into the bowl and helped him drink.
“Don’t strain yourself too much. You’re still healing.”
At Stedes nod she continued.
“Are you- I really should go get Ed. I'm not- we aren't- I shouldn’t be the one at your bedside. Not when Ed is downstairs waiting. Please let me go get him?”
Her voice sounds unsure. Like she doesn’t want to make Stede more upset in his state. The pleading in her voice encourages him to give a small nod. She clearly didn’t want to be here. He could figure out a way to get rid of Ed later, but for now getting rid of Mary was enough.
She leaves, and suddenly he is once again alone with his thoughts.
God maybe he wouldn’t even need to make Ed leave. Maybe Ed was coming to shout at him. Maybe he had realized what Chauncey did, that despite his soft looks he was absolutely rotten inside. Maybe he would leave all on his own.
That would be nice. It would hurt less if he left because he wanted to. What a selfish thing to want. Of course Stede would want his problems to take care of themselves.
All hope that Ed was upset or disgusted with him left as soon as he saw Ed enter the room. His face was so full of hope and love that it hurt. It felt like a new gunshot wound. But this one hit all the important bits.
Mostly his heart.
“Oh Stede!”
Ed rushed towards his bed and that only made Stede cry harder.
“What's wrong?”
Stede opened his mouth hoping to say something, anything, that would make Ed leave but all he managed was a strangled sob before Ed was touching him, cupping his face gently to wipe away the tears. It felt like the best thing in the world, and at the same time like a brand, hot and painful. He didn’t deserve to be touched so tenderly. Not now. Maybe not ever.
“It’s okay. You’re okay.”
Ed is whispering now, like this is some quiet secret just between the two of them. It only serves to make his heart ache more. He does his best to shake his head in Ed’s hold, which is only met with shushing and more soft touches ghosting over his cheeks and below his eyes.
After some time spent in silence, Ed sat beside his bed, gently trying to comfort him as tears continued to slip unbidden out of his eyes. Stede finally gets past the tightness in his throat to speak.
“Ed I-”
“Shh, take your time. What's wrong? How can I fix it, Stede?”
Oh god, if only it were so simple. If only Ed could take away all of his problems. Could do something about the rot eating at him from the very core.
“I-I’m no good Ed. I just wreck everything. Ruin the lives of everyone I get close to. I-”
Stede breaks off as another ugly sob rips its way out his throat. For some reason this only makes Ed comfort him more. This wasn’t meant to happen. Ed should be leaving.
“Who gave you that idea? You don’t ruin anything Stede.”
“But I do! I ruin- I ruined Mary’s life, and the kids, and- and you.”
Ed looked absolutely heartbroken once he said that and Stede felt his whole chest seize at the sight. He was doing it again. He was wrecking it. Hurting Ed.
“You ruined me? Do you- I thought Ed made you happy?”
Oh no. Maybe Stede could fix this. Maybe he could reverse the damage before it was too late. Keep Ed from ramming into the rocks more than he already had.
“Ed does make me happy. Ed makes me so happy. But-but you were Bleackbeard. You had fame, people respected you, you had a whole life Ed. And I took that away from you. Just like I did to my family…”
His breath shuddered and he closed his eyes to avoid seeing Ed’s face when he realized the truth.
“Stede…what happened? Everything was fine until we were meant to run away. Was it- did I do something? Do you not actually want to be with me? If-” a pained noise escaped Ed “If you don’t want me anymore…If Ed was disappointing. Just say so. Don’t do whatever this is.”
“NO! I…after-after you left to get the dinghy, Chauncey found me. Took me out of the barracks at gunpoint before your guy could come. He-he took me into a clearing on the other side of the island. He said…He said that I defile beautiful things. That I’m a monster, a plague. He was right. I just muck everything up for everyone else and keep getting away with it. I was supposed to be a lighthouse Ed. But it seems like all I do is make people smash up on the rocks. I don’t want you to sink because of me.”
The more Stede spoke the more horrified Ed looked. Finally, he was realizing the truth. Losing Ed would probably destroy Stede if he was honest with himself. But, if it saved Ed he was okay with that. At least he wouldn't be hurting someone else for once.
“Stede…”
Ed sounded absolutely awful. This was going to hurt.
“Please. I know. Just, even though I don’t deserve it, I would like it if you didn’t insult me before you left.”
“Would you let me finish?”
Stede let out a long shuddering sigh and nodded.
“You didn’t take anything away from me. If anything you gave me more than I could ever dream, with your fancy soaps, and fancy fabrics. I’ll kill that Chauncey fucker for convincing you that you’re a monster. Stede Bonnet could never be a monster.”
Stede looks like he wants to protest but stays quiet, Ed takes one of Stede’s hands and cups it between both of his. The contrast of Ed's Rough calloused hands against his much softer skin made his heart flutter.
“If Stede Bonnet is a monster then I would hate to know what that makes me.”
Ed whispers, like speaking any louder would cause the moment to shatter. Like Stede was something precious he was afraid to break if he gripped too tightly.
After a few moments of quiet with only Stede’s quiet hitching breaths to break the silence, he spoke up again. Voice thick and moments away from another sobbing fit.
“You can’t kill Chauncey. I already did.”
“You did?”
“Well…I suppose not directly but I might as well have. He-“ A deep shuddering inhale. “He was drunk and angry that I killed his brother. When the first shot didn’t kill me he reloaded the gun and came closer but- but he stumbled and shot himself in the eye. Just like his brother. I don’t even have to do anything Ed and people still get hurt around me. Am I bad luck?”
“No,no. You aren’t bad luck Stede. How could you possibly be bad luck when meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me?”
Ed leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Stede’s cheek which he leant into, a small sob bubbling up his throat.
“I want to believe you Ed.”
Stede is speaking so softly that Ed wouldn’t have heard it if his forehead wasn’t pressed up against Stede’s. For a moment Ed was quiet and Stede began to worry again that he had said or done something wrong. But that train of thought did not make it very far before it was interrupted.
“I know. You will. One day. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to keep reminding you that it’s true. Which will be easy because I’m never fuckin’ letting you out of my sight again. Now get some rest. I'll be right here when you wake up, and we can get some food in you.”
“…Okay…I love you.”
Ed wipes the last few tears off of Stede’s face and leans back into his chair.
“I love you too.”
Stede quickly fell into a dreamless sleep, exhausted from the conversation and crying.
——-
The smell of soup was what woke Stede next.
Ed was back beside his bed, tending to his knife. On the bedside table a tray with a steaming bowl of soup sat.
“Hello dearest.”
Ed looked up, nearly dropping his knife. A big smile spread across his face.
“Here, you need to eat. Let me help you sit up a little.”
Stede prepared himself for movement as Ed made a mountain of pillows behind his head. The pain of being brought to lay upright enough for him to eat, was tempered by the warm and gentle touch of Ed, who was clearly trying to make this as easy as possible for him.
“There.”
Ed looked Stede over silently for a moment before kissing his cheek and sitting down. Stede leant into the touch and then watched as Ed grabbed the bowl of soup. It was clearly quite hot but Ed either didn’t notice, or didn’t care about the heat. Considering how worn his hands were, it probably didn’t hurt much if it hurt at all.
He carefully guided a spoonful of soup to Stede’s mouth after blowing on it gently, which he ate with a small smile. It was quite cute to watch Ed, leather clad and tattoo covered, to be so domestic. Though Stede supposed he would find Ed cute no matter the circumstance.
“You know you don’t need to feed me.”
Ed gave a small shrug, making sure to keep the bowl still.
“Eh. I wanna. No bother. Besides, you gave us all quite the fuckin’ scare a few times. Thought I might lose you forever…” Ed clears his throat, blinking a few times. “Anyways, you aren’t doing anything until you’re better if I have anything to say about it.”
Stede nods, and allows Ed to keep gently spooning soup into his mouth. It was quite a good chicken noodle. He could tell Mary was the one who made it.
Mary.
Oh god, he was back at his old house, with his crew. Mary was probably furious with him. First he up and leaves with no warning, and now he’s filled her home with pirates while he’s bedridden.
“Hey, I know that look. It’s fine I took care of everything. Mary isn't mad…well not anymore. She’ll want to talk with you later, but I think she just wants to catch up. Apparently you both have changed a lot since you left.”
Stede nods, and stares at the intricate sheets.
“I…god as relieved as I am, I feel like she should be mad at me. What kind of man abandons a woman and two kids? I don’t deser-'' Stede gets cut off as a new spoonful of soup is pushed into his mouth. Looking up he sees Ed with an unimpressed expression.
“Don’t start with that shit again. It’s not up to you if she forgives you or not. Besides, I think once you hear her side of what's happened since you left, you'll understand better. But that will come after you finish eating.”
Stede goes to protest, but a look from Ed shuts him down again.
“Okay.”
“Perfect. Now open up for me.”
Stede smiles softly, matching Ed’s expression as he is slowly fed warm soup.
Quietly Stede thought that he would take a bullet for this man any day of the week. Ed was more than worth it in his opinion.
—--
Soon after the soup was finished, Ed reluctantly left Stede’s side to go fetch Mary so they could finally talk.
Before he could worry too much about what was about to happen, Mary entered the room with Ed on her heels. He came over to the bed and gave Stede a tender kiss. Stede found himself chasing the touch as Ed pulled back and gently cupped his face with a warm rough palm.
“I’ll just be in the next room. You and Mary need some time alone.”
“Okay. I love you.” Stede whispered as quietly as he could, feeling Mary watching the exchange with an air of amusement.
Ed nodded and smiled.
“You too.”
And with that Ed was gone, closing the door behind him.
—--
“I really do wish to apo-”
“Stede, just, stop. Let me speak please.”
He closes his mouth and nods.
“I was angry with you, for a while after I realized you were gone, and only left a letter. But, I declared you dead and life as a widow has been good. I have friends, and I pursued painting, and I got a chance to actually fall in love. So while I was definitely mad at you, that hasn't been the case for a while.”
“You fell in love?”
“Yes. I did. His name is Doug. I’m sure you’ll meet him at some point. I see you fell in love too. Ed told me about your escapades together, and how I ended up with an entire ship's crew in my house and you nearly dead in my bedroom. It seems you have gotten up to a lot since you left.”
“Oh yes, quite. I do hope the crew haven't given you much trouble. They can get a bit rowdy, not to mention Izzy.”
“Honestly they’ve been fairly lovely. Things did get a little chaotic the first night and then again when they were told you would be okay, but otherwise things have been surprisingly okay. They love the kids, did need to talk to them about what's appropriate to tell or give them, but they get along swimmingly…Who’s Izzy? None of the people in the house are named Izzy.”
Stede raised an eyebrow, now curious what on earth had happened to that man. More out of concern for himself and his crew than concern for Izzy, considering what happened last time.
“Oh…I guess I'll have to ask Ed about that one then. It’s good the crew are okay. And I’m glad you found someone like Doug while I was gone. You deserve someone who makes you happy.”
“I’m also glad I found Doug, and that you found Ed. Honestly he gave me quite the scare when he first came in, all clad in leather and carrying you in his arms looking like a corpse. For a minute I was scared he had killed you and come to I don't know, taunt me with your body or something, whatever it is stories say pirates like him do.”
A laugh startled out of Stede at that, making him groan a little as his torso moved with the motion.
“Yes, he can be a bit intimidating. You should have seen him when he had the beard. It really added to the image, it was lovely. Of course, I suppose I am biased when it comes to Ed.”
“Yes I suppose you are. But I’m fairly biased towards Doug, so I think that just comes with being in love.”
Stede hums in agreement.
“I'll fetch Ed for you, I know he’s been loath to leave your side this entire time.”
“Thank you Mary.”
—--
It had been several days and Stede was now mobile, though with Ed’s mother henning he had been confined to a wheelchair most of the time. He simply lets Ed care for him in whichever way worries him least.
They had spent lots of time talking, mostly Ed showering him in affection and keeping the things Chauncey had said at bay. Though he did read to Ed quite a bit as well, things like Shakespeare and Greek myth.
Currently he was sat at the kitchen table, eating breakfast with Mary, Doug, the kids, and the crew. It was a bit of a tight fit to get everyone at the table, but they made it work. Besides, it gave him an excuse to sit against Ed, as they both squeezed into the head of the table.
Everyone was talking and eating happily, but Stede couldn’t hear them as he stared at Ed who was telling a story of one of their adventures. He briefly stopped when he noticed Stede’s stare, and gave him a quick but gentle kiss full of love, before going back to his story. As excited as Stede was to get back on the ocean, he felt that no matter where he went, he would always be happiest at Ed’s side.
So for now, right where they were was just fine.
Everything would be fine, so long as he and Ed had each other.