Chapter Text
The screen was black, white lettering on Comic Sans stating ‘Do Not Try This At Home’ before flashing away to the image of a dark haired young man with a brilliant smile and a mischievous glimmer in his eyes. He wore a plain black t-shirt with the star wars logo in black and yellow on it.
“Hey guys, it’s me, ya boi Conman. Today I will be continuing my Taste Test series after all the views and suggestions my last one got.” Conner winked at the camera, grin crinkling his face good naturedly.
“First up, suggested by ‘It’s Not Me, It’s You’, we have Easy Cheese.” The man slammed the can onto the counter, spraying some into his palm. “I’m going to be honest, it looks disgusting.” Connor shoved it in his mouth, somehow not getting any on his face in the process. His face slowly twisted into a look of absolute revulsion, and he leaned behind the plain plastic table to, presumably, spit it out in a trashcan.
“Oh god that was awful. You know it has multiple acids in it, used as preservatives? It’s also got autolyzed yeast extract, which is a flavoring agent made from yeast. While it’s considered safe here in the US, it contains monosodium glutamate which some people experience adverse side effects to, so word of warning. Overall, a -1/10.”
Connor moved the Easy Cheese to the side, before reaching down to get the next item. “Next up, we have hair dye, submitted by ‘DarthVaderStan’. I’m pretty sure it was a joke, but I'm doing it anyway.” The dark haired man placed a small tube of ‘Mermaid Blue’ Joico hair dye on the counter, smiling brightly. Some viewers needed to pause to get sunglasses.
“I chose this one because blue is my favorite color and it was the cheapest.” Connor squeezed a dollop onto his finger and stuck it in his mouth. He smacked his lips a couple of times, trying to swallow the semi-thick paint-like liquid. Eventually he managed it and stuck out his now blue tongue in annoyance. “Ugh. Points deducted for being hard to eat. 3/10.”
The camera cut for a moment, Connor suddenly holding a mirror and looking at his wide open and very blue mouth. He tilted his face to get a better angle before closing it in annoyance. “You know what, another point deducted for dying my entire mouth. 2/10.”
“Alright next up we have something suggested by ‘Dareyqueen’, a spoonful of pure citric acid.” The man placed a spoon on the table, followed by a bag of the powdered acid. “Unfortunately I couldn't find a small container so I had to get a whole bag. Citric acid is used in a lot of foods, most notably in sour candies and is naturally found in lemons, limes, grapefruits, etc. It is, obviously, safe to eat, but the pure version is definitely not recommended. It can erode your teeth. Thankfully, I'm a bad bitch so it won't kill me.”
Connor ripped open the bag with an ease most would be envious of, dug out a heaping spoonful of pure citric acid, and casually put it in his mouth. He put the spoon down and chewed on the acid, swallowing it without so much as a wince. The man opened his mouth to say something, but what would never be known because all that came out was a bit of bluish gray smoke. Connor’s eyes widened in surprise and he got up and began running back and forth across the screen in panic, incoherent noises hissing from his throat.
The screen cut and Connor was sitting behind the table again, the only evidence that something had happened was his disheveled hair. “I’ve discovered that I don't like sour things. 1/10.” Suddenly he smiles, and the outro music starts playing. “Anyways, don't forget to like and subscribe, and if you have anything you want me to test, leave a comment.”
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Comments
Bucketlist - how did pure citric acid rank higher than easy cheese
RickyRoll - I have no idea, this dude is insane.
blasphemy - noooooo ez chez is grt tho….
It’s Not Me, It’s You - LIES
f1ct10nalher0 - i cant believe conman just straight up ate hair dye
Nuggetk1ng - probs wasnt real
Constanople - It was tho!! The bottle was unopened.
DarthVaderStan - I…I didn’t think he’d actually do it…
bruno_saturns - is conman ok?? his mouth started smoking….?
RobotStannie - we’ve already established that conman is invulnerable