Chapter Text
Bard sat at his desk in the study of his house in Dale (‘for Valar sake Thranduil I do not need a palace I’m a ruddy bargeman’) where he was carrying out important kingly things and looking throughout lots of important kingly archives.
Okay he was having a nap.
But in his defence the disintegrating scrolls documenting the old fortifications of the city of Dale were unbelievably boring. Girion might be his ancestor, but he was also one boring bastard. Also, Bard had had a very trying few days.
There were currently negotiations going on in Erebor, negotiations that were amazingly absolutely none of Bard business, there was not a single thingbeing discussed that involved Dale in the slightest.
So naturally that was where Bard had spent the past week because Thranduil and Dain suddenly turned into a pair of children fighting over toys they didn’t even want and bickering endlessly about everything whenever they were in the same room.
So Bard was required to ‘mediate’. Bard had told them both that they were pathetic.
But one week of to petulant little privileged kings bickering and calling each other names was apparently his limit and he had told them that he was leaving and they could either start behaving like adults or bicker to the end of time, Bard really didn’t care.
But the Elvenking was his friend and he was pouting at Bard so Bard had quietly promised to make it up to him at some point but he was a fragile mortal and needed to go home and get some shut eye and some work done. Thranduil had continued to pout because he was a massive drama queen but had let Bard go without a fight.
He would go back in a few days and make sure they hadn’t actually murdered each other or declared war or something equally melodramatic and designed to send Bard to an early grave from stress.
But for now he was taking a nap, legs crossed over one another up on the desk, leaning back in his chair just about to drift off…when there was a loud bang as the doors to his study slammed open and Bard promptly fell off his chair with a yelp.
“Thranduil what the fuck.” Bard groaned, his back and elbow had taken the brunt of his fall and were complaining.
“Bard you have to help me.” Thranduil cried dramatically, and Bard would bitch about him not even apologising for bursting in and making him fall but Thranduil had swooped over to him and was helping him up, which was as close as an apology as Thranduil was likely to get and Bard didn’t miss the protective way he checked him over, fragile mortal and all that.
“Why do I have to help you?” Bard sighed, wondering what trouble the Elvenking had managed to get into which meant for some reason Bard was the only person who could help him.
“Because you’re my only friend.”
“Should I feel honoured or resigned about that?”
“Honoured. Obviously.” Thranduil replied, not a hint of sarcasm in his voice, Bard rolled his eyes fondly.
“What did you do then?”
“First it’s important that you remember that you said you would make leaving the negotiations up to me and this probably wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t left anyway.”
“By the Valar you didn’t actually start a war did you!” Bard cried, burying his face in his hands.
“What? No, of course not. Really do you think me completely incompetent?” Thranduil huffed and Bard shot him a look that said ‘that is exactly what I think after witnessing those negotiations’, Thranduil ignore him.
“So, come on, out with it, what did you do?” Bard asked again, And Thranduil was chewing on his lip which was incredibly out of character, but then, he didn’t seem to worry being the icy Elvenking around Bard anymore, alone with Bard he was just Thran, they were friends after all.
“I may have told Dain that you and I were…together.” Thranduil said slowly, Bard just shot him a confused look so Thranduil elaborated further. “…romantically.”
“Why on arda did you tell him that?” Bard inquired, a little exacerbated but also far too fond of his friend to actually be angry. In the grand scheme of things it seemed pretty harmless, right?
“Because he was teasing us, calling you my minder and well, some other far less savoury things but honestly none of that particularly bothered me. But then they moved on to saying how you were far too good for me and of course we weren’t anything and saying that clearly no one would willingly spend their time with me, and they may have brought up Legolas leaving and before I knew it I was lying and saying that actually, you and I were in fact together, which shut them up pretty fast. But then Dain started inviting the ‘happy couple’ to things and now we have to go.” Thranduil explained, fixing Bard with his blue eyes which actually looked a little desperate and vulnerable, Bard didn’t like it, he wanted that infuriating smirk back.
Bard attempted to process everything that Thranduil had just said, it seemed to pretty much boil down to Dain had been being a bastard but Thranduil hadn’t really cared until he had brought up Legolas – an incredibly sensitive spot for Thranduil at the moment – so Thranduil had felt the need to retaliate.
And Bard had somehow gotten caught in the crossfire despite not actually being in the room.
“What are you asking exactly?” Bard said, looking for a bit of clarity.
“I need you to pretend that we’re together.” Thranduil replied quickly, wringing his hands together, another tick that only ever showed itself around the safety of Bard.
Sometimes he wondered if Thranduil had actually realised how many of his walls had come down around Bard and the safety of his friendship.
“Okay.”
“I am not above bribing you I can get some gold– ” Thranduil trailed off as he processed what Bard had said. “Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. I will pretend we’re together for however long because you can’t keep that pretty mouth of your shut.” He grinned and Thranduil glared a little at his poking fun, but honestly it was a very pretty mouth, even if he wasn’t exactly sure where the thought had come from.
“…why?”
“Because I’m your friend?” Bard replied like it was obvious, which it was, but Thranduil just looked surprised, it made Bard’s heart break a little, reminding him of just how shut off he had been before Bard had wormed his way in.
How the hell he had managed to worm his way in was another mystery, yet here he was, and he was glad, they both were.
“But, what’s in it for you?” Thranduil asked, apparently perplexed at the idea of Bard agreeing to this without some kind of bribe.
“I’m your friend you need my help – which would be enough on its own by the way – but also it could actually be pretty funny, I do actually enjoy getting one over on the dwarves, I will end up having teasing fodder over you for decades and it should get the lovely but persistent women of Dale to lay off.” Bard reeled off, but he would have done it without any of those incentives.
“Excellent. In that case I should let you know that we’re going to Erebor tomorrow for a banquet to celebrate the successful negotiation.”
“Successful?” Bard repeated sarcastically with a raised eyebrow.
“Yes. I’m pretty sure Dain only invited us because he thought I was lying.” Thranduil told him, tone making it sound like he was mortally offended that anyone would dare call him a liar.
“You were lying.” Bard pointed out with a grin, Thranduil scowled a little, despite all his haughtiness Bard still found it cute.
“Irrelevant. All that matters is that Dain doesn’t find out.” Thranduil replied, flicking his hand a little, Bard just looked at him with an amused expression from his chair.
“So what do we do? Turn up to the banquet tomorrow, hold hands and say mushy things to each other then go home?” Bard asked as Thranduil perched on the desk next to him.
“Well yes to start with.”
“Start with?”
“Well it’s going to take much more than that to convince Dain.”
“How much more?”
“I was thinking we could spend more time staying with each other. We’re going to need to convince all the dwarves. In fact it may be best to just try and fool everyone, that way the truth can’t get back to that odious dwarf.” Thranduil mused aloud, taping his elegant fingers against his chin thoughtfully.
“Makes sense. Although I do have one stipulation.” Bard stated, and it was something he wouldn’t compromise on.
“Oh?” Thranduil asked, turning those piercing blue eyes on him, but there was only curiosity and fondness in them.
“I’m not lying to my children. They’ll keep it a secret but I’m not about to try and fool them as well.” Bard answered, for one thing his kids would see through it immediately, for another they just really didn’t deserve the lie. He made a point of never lying to his children, not about the important things.
“Of course, of course. I would not expect you to.” Thranduil replied with a smile, Bard knew he was already fairly fond of his children, seeing them often when he came visiting, Tilda tended to barely leave him alone, but surprisingly the Elvenking had never seemed to mind. Then again, the more that he got to know him the less surprising he found it.
“Although, I do warn you that Tilda will probably seize the opportunity to spend even more time with you.” Bard grinned, knowing she was a clever little thing and would see her window and take it, Thranduil smiled at the prospect, of course he did. Sometimes Bard wondered if anyone else knew just how quickly Tilda had managed to completely melt the ice king.
“Frankly Bard, you are lucky I haven’t kidnapped her already.” Thranduil grinned right back at him, it was an expression that made it very difficult for Bard to remember that the vast majority of Middle Earth saw him as a cold and harsh Elvenking.
Well, they’d clearly never seen him spinning Bard’s ten year old around, or giving one of his genuine smiles, or teaching Sigrid Sindarin and encouraging her at every turn, or when he was tipsy and tripping over his own robes, or helping Bain with his swordsmanship or heard him talking about Legolas as a father instead of a king.
Bard was aware he got a very different version of Thranduil than the rest of the world, and he knew it was the real one. He thought it a great shame that Thranduil let everyone believe he was such an asshole, well, don’t get Bard wrong, Thranduil is an asshole and a drama queen and a complete princess; but that is very much only half of the story.
Bard was just glad he got the real Thranduil, those rare and real smiles reserves almost solely for Bard and his family. His life would be far duller without him.
“I don’t think you’d need to kidnap her, she’d happily run away with you.”
“What about you?”
“Sure, I’ll run away with you.” Bard grinned. “Maybe we should elope, really commit to your lie.” He winked making Thranduil laugh that deep and rich laughed that was among Bard’s favourite sounds.
“Well I don’t like half-arsing things.” Thranduil said in mock thoughtfulness, well, there were certainly worse people to be married to.
“All or nothing?”
“Absolutely.” Thranduil smirked giving him a lecherous look that made Bard snort out a laugh. His friend was ridiculous.
“So what’s our story then? We don’t want to come up with two different stories if Dain asks, we’ll be caught before we’ve even started.” Bard said, leaning back in his chair.
“I had thought we might tell people that we became close after the battle and the relationship just blossomed into something we weren’t expecting it to but didn’t feel the need to stop. And perhaps that we hadn’t wanted to tell people until we were more sure of ourselves.” Thranduil suggested and Bard could see the logic he was working from, there was enough truth in it for it to be convincing.
“Perfectly plausible.” Bard agreed, for a moment he wondered what it would be like if it had actually gone that way between them, he reckoned he would be happy, not that he wasn’t now, just a thought, albeit an odd one. Bard blamed the conversation content.
“Yes I thought so, you’re the only person I spend any time with in a personal capacity and you are a very private man so it’s believable.” Thranduil reasoned and Bard agreed nodding, there really was no reason for someone not to believe it.
“Spend your life being spied on and you come to covet privacy.” Bard joked, even if it wasn’t actually that funny at all, but at this point when looking at his past it was best to laugh because the alternative was to wallow and Bard had far too much to do to have time for wallowing in the past. Besides, he’d experienced quite the reversal of fortunes, even if it didn’t feel like it when nightmares about fire still forced him awake in a cold sweat.
“I can imagine. Nosey subjects have a similar effect.”
“I bet they have learnt not to nose.”
“Indeed they have.” Thranduil replied with a dangerous smirk, Bard slapped his leg lightly. “I must say I am surprised you agreed so easily.”
“I already told you Thran, you’re my friend, your lies are my lies.” Bard grinned, he was actually thinking that this lie could be pretty amusing to follow through.
“No I mean I thought there was some taboo against same sex relationships among the race of men, although why I cannot fathom.” Thranduil pointed out and honestly Bard hadn’t even thought about it.
“Yeah there is, but I never shared them. Probably because my head has been turned by men just as often as women.” He replied easily.
“But you’re not worried about what your people might say?” Thranduil pushed and Bard got it, he didn’t want to put Bard into an awkward position.
“Not particularly. As you keep telling me; I’m the king, I can do what I want, including faking a relationship with the Elvenking.” Bard told him, and to be frank everyone was too scared to cross Thranduil anyway so no one would be kicking up a fuss. “Although to be honest I think most people – men included – will be more jealous than anything else.”
“Why?” Thranduil asked, as if he didn’t know, vain bastard that he was.
“Stop fishing for compliments. You know well why.” Bard grumbled in return, but he didn’t really mind.
“No, not a clue.” Thranduil shamelessly fished anyway, all but batting his eyelashes.
“Because you are disgustingly beautiful even if you are terribly aware of it.” Bard laughed, swatting Thranduil’s leg again.
“Aw, my boyfriend thinks I’m pretty.” Thranduil teased, Bard rolled his eyes, but there was a smile firmly in place on his face. “
“So was that everything? I have important work to get back to.” Bard asked, they both knew full well that he was referring to the nap he had been trying to take.
“You mean sleeping.” Thranduil clarified with an amused look.
“It is very important that the king is well rested. How else can I be expected to make difficult decisions?” Bard grinned, even though he was genuinely very tired.
“Well you’ll just have to make some bad ones because I am hungry.” Thranduil stated, standing up from his perch on the desk and looking expectant.
“…and?” Bard asked slowly even though he knew well what.
“And we have a vast number of people to convince that we are romantically involved. They are never going to believe it if you don’t even eat with me.” Thranduil answered, attempting to use logic against him.
“You just like to have someone to whine about the food to.” Bard laughed, Thranduil pointed at him until he relented, he really was very good at getting his own way, even with Bard, it was just too hard for Bard to say no to him, he dreaded the day Thranduil and his kids ganged up on him, because it was bound to happen at some point.
“Fine. But if I fall asleep face first into my plate it’s your fault.” Bard griped even though he didn’t really mind, Thranduil smiled at him. “Come on then honeybun.” Bard continued, voice sickly sweet and completely sarcastic, Thranduil’s face scrunched up in disgust.
“I can assure you that even if we were together romantically you would never get away with that name.”
“I know, but given that we’re not actually together and you need my help on this, I have a feeling you are going to let me get away with it.”
“Well played.” Thranduil replied begrudgingly. “But two can play at that game sweetums.” He smirked.
This was going to be hilarious.
“Whatever you say muffin.” Bard grinned and if they continued like this they were just going to end up giggling like ten year olds.
“Come on, I am actually famished.” Thranduil said and Bard knew he was just being dramatic but he followed anyway, and when he skipped in front to open the door for Thranduil, Thranduil rolled his eyes.
“Thank you my darling.” He teased.
“No problem kitten.” Bard winked, that time Thranduil did snort, that nickname was clearly a keeper.
When Thranduil caught his hand when they started walking Bard startled a little, but only for a moment.
It didn’t take very long at all for Bard to get used to it, in fact, Thranduil warm, smooth hand felt surprisingly nice in his own.
Bard could get used to it.