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“You know, I thought killing Harlan would make me feel better. Or worse.” Allison snorted bitterly. “Jesus, just something. But… it didn’t.”
“Or,” Lila interjected, “maybe you’re feeling everything all at once, and it all just kind of cancels out.”
“No, I think I’m finally starting to understand everything.”
Lila furrowed her brow. “How do you mean?”
Allison gestured around with her flask. “Well, the way I see it, in a few days, we’ll all be dead. Or in some new timeline where Harlan probably never even existed anyway.” She chuckled and lifted her flask as if to take another swig; however, then her chuckles dissolved into full-blown laughter. She tilted her head back, rocking slightly in her seat as she laughed and laughed.
Lila stared at the other woman in concern. Christ, Allison really was a mess.
“It’s all bullshit,” Allison chortled. Gradually, her laughter quieted. “I mean, none of it… none of it’s real.” She raised her drink again, mumbling into the flask, “Nothing stays.”
Comprehension dawned on Lila. While Allison took a large gulp, she grinned. “Shit. You’ve got the spins.”
Allison glanced over in question.
Lila pulled herself onto the counter and spun around atop the surface to sit beside Allison. “Okay, look,” she started. “Fapping about with time travel… It’s a massive head trip, I grant you, but things are still real. They’re just moving by so fast, you get dizzy with the changes.” She paused and then thought of something. “It’s like figure skaters,” she explained, “and their- their triple Salchow doggy-style— Whatever it is. You gotta pick a focus point. Something concrete to lock on to… no matter what changes around.”
Allison’s eyes grew mournful and distant. She didn’t look at Lila when she asked, “And what if I had one, and I lost her?”
“Then find another one,” Lila answered, catching Allison’s gaze and holding it there. “Or you’ll fall down.”
She and Allison shared a long look, but Lila could see she wasn’t really getting through to the other woman. Allison was too lost in her grief.
It frustrated Lila. And the fact that it frustrated her also frustrated her. She wasn’t close to Allison. The only real attachment she had to the Hargreeves family was Diego. And Five, in a roundabout way. She shouldn’t feel so bothered by sibling drama.
But she did.
And that frustrated her.
Huffing, Lila broke eye contact and slapped her hands down on the bar counter, making Allison jump at the loud noise. She pushed herself off the counter and moved to stand in front of the woman.
Tough love, it was. She was better at that sort of thing anyway.
“Look, Allison,” Lila said. “I know you’ve been through some massive shit—shit that no one should ever have to go through—but, sorry to break it to you, so have we all. Get in line.”
Allison recoiled at Lila’s abrupt change in attitude. Her expression grew angry, defensive. “Excuse me?”
Lila started pacing back and forth to give her feet something to do. “Well, I mean, if we’re just going off of your siblings—and not counting Ben’s death—Luther is probably the only one of you who hasn’t actually lost someone. At least, not that I know of. Viktor almost made it too, but then, you know, Sissy died. And she was pretty much like Viktor’s Raymond. Plus, you just killed Harlan, the son of the love of Viktor’s life and the only connection he had left of Sissy.”
Lila chanced a peek at Allison to see her scowling heavily at the mention of Viktor and his losses.
Alright then, next sibling.
“Moving on,” Lila continued. “Diego, apparently, walked in on his first girlfriend’s dead body and then was accused of her murder, so that was rough. Although, Diego has me now, so he’s fine. Or he will be once he gets over the whole ‘Stan’s not actually our son’ thing.” She flapped her hand dismissively. “Anyways, Klaus?” She whistled. “You know how he went to Vietnam and had to fight in, like, an actual goddamn war?”
Lila didn’t wait for Allison's nod. “Well, that soldier boy from the ’60s that he kept mooning over died during that war. He bled out in Klaus’s arms. Pew. A single bullet to the torso, and, just like that, David Katz was gone forever.” She shook her head. “That clip actually almost made me cry, and I’m not a crier. The Switchboard operator was blubbering like a baby, though. I had to threaten him, like, four times before he finally shut up.”
Allison interrupted then. “How do you know all this?”
Lila glanced at her. “Before my mum placed me in that asylum in the ’60s, she wanted me to, er, get to know my enemy, so she showed me a bunch of clips and stuff of your guys’ lives on the Infinite Switchboard.”
“Not creepy at all,” Allison drawled, taking another swig from her flask. “So if you’ve studied us, then you should know how much Claire and Raymond meant to me—”
“Of course,” Lila cut her off. She stopped pacing and tried to put as much sincerity into her words as she could. “You loved them. More than anything, I’d wager. But that doesn’t mean you get to go all crazy, mind-control, batshit woman on your family.”
Allison’s eyes darkened in an instant, and, for just a moment, Lila felt a touch of fear crawl up her spine.
“Well,” Allison hissed, standing up, “maybe that’s just what grief does to people.”
Lila couldn’t help it. She tried to bite it back, she really did, but her grin poked through the corners of her mouth anyway.
She snorted and stepped back from the other woman’s shocked expression. “I don’t mean to, like, compare grieving processes or anything, but trust me on this, Allison, no matter how much pain you’re in, no matter how deeply your grief has buried you, it’s not forever. You can get out. And once you do, you’re probably going to regret a lot of the things you did while you were under.”
Allison was floored. Then her eyes narrowed with fury. “And how the hell would you know?” she spat. “What do you understand about grief? What- What experience gives you the right to come in here and tell me that my grief isn’t valid?”
Lila leveled Allison with a sharp look. “Well, first of all, I never said anything about your grief not being valid. And second of all, when I was four, I had to hide in a closet and listen to my parents beg your brother for mercy before he splattered their brains across our living room floor, so there’s that.”
Allison’s fury didn’t abate, though the tension in her fists eased ever so slightly as she crossed her arms.
“But that’s not what I’m talking about,” Lila went on.
Allison pursed her lips. “Then get to the point,” she ground out.
Lila tilted her head in acquiescence. “Well, as much as I despise the little wanker due to the aforementioned splattering of my parents’ brains, I think Five’s probably got us all beat when it comes to the grief department.”
Rolling her eyes, Allison said, “I already know Five found our bodies in the apocalypse. Luther told us about that back in our original timeline.”
Lila held up a finger with a sly grin. “Ah, but Five didn’t tell Luther about how his sanity took a nosedive into a trash compactor after that, did he?”
A muscle in Allison’s jaw twitched.
“Yeah. My mum watched Five’s apocalypse years a lot on the Switchboard, and I saw some clips a few times when I was younger. It was kind of distressing, to be honest.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Allison huffed.
“Well, I suppose it’s just that watching a thirteen-year-old boy try to kill himself can be somewhat traumatic for a young girl.”
Now, that gave Allison a pause.
Lila latched on to the little bit of leeway Allison’s silence gave her. “He never went through with it,” she added. “I mean, obviously. But he made more than a few attempts those first couple of years. Your brother’s mental stability was, uh… nonexistent, pretty much. It’s a bloody miracle he has as many marbles left as he does. And he didn’t just find your bodies, he also buried you. It took him days. After all, tiny, starving, thirteen-year-old Number Five can’t exactly lift the mountain that is known as Luther Hargreeves, so…”
It felt incredibly strange to talk about Five in a way that was anything other than derisive, but Lila supposed if pushing Five’s stages of grief—à la Apocalypse—was what would get through to Allison, then so be it.
“Anyway, he already had a couple screws loose by that point. You know who Dolores is, right? Well, that was around the time he started lugging her around. But after burying you all, he lost it. Lots of crying, lots of screaming, lots of moderately violent mental breakdowns. At one point, he actually managed to get himself buried in some rubble after punching the wrong collapsing wall.” Lila grimaced, recalling the image of a bruised, bloodied, and emaciated Number Five trying to dig his way out of a mound of concrete. Like a corpse out of its own grave. If any part of Five’s past was going to make her feel pity towards him, it would be that.
“Honestly, I don’t know exactly what it was that got him to pull himself together and start working on those fancy equations of his,” she admitted. “But I’d bet it was when he remembered that you lot still needed him.”
Lila studied Allison’s face as she spoke, searching for something that would tell her whether her words were actually making a difference. “And just like that,” she said, “all of sudden, after weeks of moping around, drinking, talking to the air, and making half-cocked plans to kill himself, your brother stood up, dusted himself off, and got down to business. Now, look at him. He made it back to you all. Granted, in a smaller package and with two more apocalypses than he planned for, but he still did it. And despite the fact that he’s seen you lot get blown to atoms in the battle with the Soviets and then gunned down by my mum in the barn in addition to burying your bloody corpses, I’d say he’s maintained a pretty reasonable level of sanity.”
Allison was silent for a moment. “What’s your point with all this?” she finally asked. “What does this have to do with Claire and Raymond?”
Lila’s eyebrows flew to her hairline, utterly incredulous. “Dear God, Allison, are you really that thickheaded?” She huffed in frustration. “My point is that almost everyone in your stupid, annoying, dysfunctional family has lost someone at some point. Five’s lost more than all of you combined. And, sure, the little shitheel went bonkers for a hot minute there, but he pulled himself back together when he remembered that you all needed him.” Lila flung out her arms with a helpless grin that was really more of a grimace. “And guess what, Allison? Your family needs you. At the very least, they need you to cooperate with them. Not start fights and rumor people all damn day.”
Allison was scowling again.
Lila powered on, her words growing sharper and colder with her rising exasperation. “So, yeah. In conclusion, Miss Pity Party, we’ve all lost people we love. Get in line. I don’t see any of us going off our rocker, killing our sibling’s friends, and throwing the blame left and right when, really, it doesn’t belong anywhere. Leave the loose screws and murder sprees to Five. And leave the blame game for situations where there’s actually someone to blame, m’kay? M’kay.” Lila nodded. “Good talk. See ya later.”
Spinning on her heel, she stormed out of the bar and made a beeline for the front door. The sudden adrenaline rush she’d gotten midway through her little tangent had left her feeling dizzy and in dire need of some air.
Before she could reach the threshold, however, a voice stopped her.
“Hey, Lila, where do you think you’re going?”
Lila slowed down and reluctantly turned.
Five crossed his arms. “We’re ready,” he said, tilting his head to indicate the basement where he’d come from.
Lila bit her lip and sighed heavily. “Alright. I’m coming.”
---
Five wasn’t quite sure what had happened. He’d heard Lila yelling on his way up the stairs, but he hadn’t made it to the main floor in time to hear what it was about.
He studied Lila as she strode past him to the basement stairs, looking for some clue as to what had gotten her all worked up. He found nothing.
Biting his cheek, he pushed the mystery aside for the time being to look around for the other person he’d come to collect. He spotted Allison standing in front of the bar, facing the living room with an unreadable expression.
Five’s brows knitted together, and he watched her for a moment, wary and concerned.
His sister undoubtedly knew he was there and could feel him staring at her through the archway between the foyer and the bar, but she didn’t acknowledge him.
Allison had been so unpredictable and explosive lately that her sudden dormancy put Five on edge. At least a full minute passed while he waited for his sister to erupt for some reason or another, for her to break into a scowl and storm off in a flurry of anger and malicious rumors, for her to transform back into the ruthless, grief-torn sister he’d come to expect.
But then he remembered that they were in a time crunch, and he was wasting that time with his inaction.
Bracing himself to weather Allison’s biting tone, Five crossed the foyer and stopped under the archway. “Allison,” he called. “Everybody’s ready. We’re all waiting in the basement.”
Allison jerked like an automaton reactivating upon the press of a button. She looked over. Her expression spasmed upon seeing him.
Five raised an eyebrow. “Allison?” he repeated, expectant.
She blinked, and her gaze dropped to the floor for a second before returning to his face. “Yeah,” she said, her tone faintly disconcerted. “Yeah, I’m coming.”
She didn’t move.
Five sighed. “Allison, come on, we need to go—”
“Five?”
“Yeah?” he exclaimed, growing frustrated.
Allison’s brow was furrowed, and she worked her jaw as she chewed on her thoughts. “While you were in the apocalypse, did you…”
Five pulled back slightly at the unexpected mention of his personal hell. “Did I what?” he prodded after a second.
Briefly, Allison appeared to struggle with herself. “Never mind,” she eventually said. “Let’s go.”
Five stared at his sister in utter confusion as she brushed past him. Like a switch had been flipped, her expression was stone-cold once more.
“Wait, Allison!” he called, hurrying after her. “What the hell was that about?”
Allison hardly spared him a glance, and he had to quicken his pace to keep up with her long stride.
“Never mind, Five,” she repeated. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Well, apparently, it does!” Five pressed. “This family has got to stop lying and keeping secrets from each other—”
Allison shot him a glare as she started down the stairs. “You’re one to talk.”
Five winced. “Alright, yes, fair enough,” he admitted. “But we all have to do better with keeping each other in the loop, so what did you want to know?”
His sister remained silent.
“What if it’s something important, and you don’t realize it?” Five insisted.
Suddenly, Allison spun around.
Five almost tripped on the stairs as he was forced to stop. He threw his arm out to grab the railing and catch his balance. Once he had, he scowled at his sister.
She only stared at him, her brown eyes searching for something in his face.
He raised his eyebrows.
Eventually, she scoffed. “No. I can’t see it. You’re too self-absorbed to do something like that.”
Five recoiled. He was well aware of his own arrogance, but she didn’t have to say it like that.
Shaking his head, he demanded, “Can’t see what? What wouldn’t I do?”
Allison crossed her arms, looking almost haughty. “Try to kill yourself,” she sneered. “Because of your ‘grief.’”
Five froze. His brain stuttered to a halt. Slowly, like ants creeping up from under the dirt, memories crawled out of the boxes he’d locked them in. They were old and faded with age, but the grief that Allison had mocked was sharp and fresh as ever.
---
Allison had thought she was on to something. After all, Five just wasn’t the type of person to attempt suicide. He was too conceited, too hard-headed, too practical to submit to an emotion like grief. Five hardly even seemed like the type of person who would grieve for something in general. She couldn’t picture it. Five crying? Five screaming? No, it didn’t fit. Five was cold, calculating, and ruthless. He murdered people for a living. Grief and suicide attempts weren’t his style. Lila must have been lying to make her feel bad, to make her grief feel irrational.
Allison had thought she was on to something.
But then Five froze.
And Allison realized she had made a mistake.
According to everyone around her, she had been making a lot of mistakes lately.
“We need to get downstairs. Everyone’s waiting for us, and we’re wasting time.”
Allison didn’t even realize Five had spoken until he was already gone in a ripple of blue.
---
The kugelblitz was successfully contained, and afterward, everyone congregated in the living room to celebrate with drinks and dancing.
Allison didn’t join in.
Neither did Five, she noticed.
He stood off to the side, hands shoved into his pockets, and watched their siblings make fools of themselves with a blank expression.
Allison followed his gaze to their family members, mulling over Lila’s words on each of them. When her eyes returned to Five’s corner, he was gone.
That only cemented the heavy weight in her gut.
Lila had been telling the truth.
Her brother had tried to kill himself in the apocalypse. And Allison had dismissed him. To his face.
After discovering her daughter’s nonexistence, Allison had thought about doing it once. When her grief became a physical, bone-crushing agony, she had thought about ending it all and joining her husband and daughter. But she never made it past that point. Ray’s voice had echoed in her head, telling her to push on, to keep going, to fight.
She never considered it again.
How many times had Five considered it? How many times had his grief pushed him to the edge? To the point where death seemed better than life?
Even though she now realized it to be true, Allison still couldn’t picture it. She couldn’t picture her stoic brother stumbling around, crying, screaming at a burning world that couldn’t hear him.
She supposed it was all part of his facade. He always picked himself up, he always pressed onward, he always… He always came back.
He’d seen them, his entire family, the only people he had left in the world, die three times, but he always came back. He always returned when they needed him.
Despite his grief.
“Five’s lost more than all of you combined. And, sure, the little shitheel went bonkers for a hot minute there, but he pulled himself back together when he remembered that you all needed him. And guess what, Allison? Your family needs you.”
---
Allison never got the chance to apologize to Five.
First, it was the kugelblitz exploding, then it was fleeing to the Hotel, Luther and Sloane’s wedding, her deal with Reginald, Luther’s death, Klaus’s death, Hotel Oblivion, the Guardians, the sigil, and finally, Raymond and Claire back in her arms at last.
Throughout the entire ordeal, Five hardly ever looked her in the eyes. She’d tried approaching him several times—even without Reginald urging her to reunify the family and convince them to enter Hotel Oblivion.
Five always found somewhere else to stare, someone else to speak to, something else to do.
And Allison never got the chance to apologize.
”...no matter how deeply your grief has buried you, it’s not forever. You can get out. And once you do, you’re probably going to regret a lot of the things you did while you were under.”
Allison had never had so many regrets.