Chapter Text
For years and years he had felt empty. Locking away his emotions was the only way to keep doing his job, as they would distract him from doing it efficiently and fairly.
But now…
Things had changed. He met people he never thought would change him. But they did.
He was slowly learning how to feel again. To allow himself to do so, and not hide everything until it blew back in his own face. It was a long process, and it came with its share of issues, but fortunately…
He wasn’t alone anymore.
This day had been a long one. Correction- this week had been a long one. Running a Game week without a Producer meant that all the paperwork fell back on Joshua, and there was a lot of it. He was very lucky Yashiro was doing a great job as a Conductor… that was something he didn’t have to take care of.
Still, Joshua was tired.
A few years ago, the simple thought of him- the Composer of Shibuya, being exhausted would have made him laugh. He didn’t allow himself to rest back then. Shibuya was worsening with each day that passed and he had to find a solution. He didn’t find the right one, but that was another story.
In any case, things were different at the moment. He knew how to recognise when he was tired, and…
He knew exactly what to do.
As he climbed the stairs leading to his destination- a small apartment nestled in the middle of Shibuya- he could faintly hear a Song he had learned to recognise well. Rhythmic yet unpredictable but most of all...
Comforting.
Joshua quietly opened the door to the apartment- he would have teleported right in, but Shiki would always scold him for sneaking up on them so he had to get used to using the door like a normal person- and was welcomed by the very recognisable sound of someone playing a video game.
And given the frustrated groan he just heard, that someone was not winning.
Chuckling softly, he walked to the living-room where he found the one he was looking for, sitting on the sofa with a controller in his hands.
“Having a hard time, Beat?” he teased.
His boyfriend turned around, startled. “Bwaaah!”
Joshua let out a giggle. Maybe in the past the other boy’s antics would have gotten to his nerves… but he found them quite endearing at the moment.
Beat scratched nervously his head. “Didn’t notice you there.”
“I know.” In a few steps, Joshua reached the sofa and sat beside him. “Too focused on your game to pay attention, hm? How is it going, by the way?”
“Not good, yo,” Beat replied, using his controller to exit the screen showing his death. “That boss is wack, I swear, everytime I try it jus’... urg, I think imma take a break now.” He stood up and went to turn off the TV before letting himself fall on the sofa again.
“Anyway… haven’t seen you in a while. How you doin’?” he asked casually.
Joshua took a few seconds to enjoy how normal things were between them. It was still hard to believe that it was his life now- being able to come to see Beat and talk without being yelled at and covered in various (more or less deserved) insults, as it had been during a long time- before Neku came back, actually.
“My apologies. I have been… a little busy,” he replied, earning him a knowing look from Beat. Of course the other would know he was referring to the Reaper’s Game, but Joshua didn’t like mentioning it outright- especially not at the moment. Him being there in the RG was a way to escape for a while his duties, so he wasn’t about to remind himself of them.
“I do feel pretty fine, although I think I could use a few days of rest."
Beat smiled brightly at his words, knowing very well what he implied. "So that's why you're here, yo."
Most of the time, Joshua remained in the UG, keeping an eye on Shibuya and on his Game, only turning up in the RG for special occasions- or sometimes, just because he was bored. But every time he needed some rest, then… this apartment- and the people living in it- was his go-to place. He would always jokingly say that he was ‘gracing them with his presence’ but the sight of them lighting up when he would say that he was staying for a while never ceased to bring warmth in his heart.
Joshua felt himself smiling back. "Indeed it is. But I wouldn't want to intrude, if you do have important matters to attend I can-"
"Nope! Nothin' to do today," Beat interrupted. "Or tomorrow. Or after that. Or…"
He shared a glance with Joshua, before giving an awkward smile. "Heh. You get it."
Joshua nodded, trying his best not to show relief on his features. There was always this fear of becoming unwelcome, even though they have always shown very openly how much they cared about him. And that feeling was mutual- he cared just as much about them.
"So no one would mind me borrowing you for a while, correct?" He checked.
Beat shook his head. "Nah, Phones and Shiki's still working. What'chu need me for?"
"Well, actually…” Joshua took a very serious expression. “I’m in trouble.”
Worry immediately covered the other boy’s features as he sat straight and stared at Joshua. “What?”
“Big trouble, in fact. I’ve come to you because you alone can help me…”
“W-what happened?”
“Ah, I’m afraid I can’t reveal much… would you trust me enough to accept to help me anyway?” Unwillingly, a sparkle appeared in his eyes, causing Beat to frown.
“Hey, you ain’t pullin’ my leg again, are you?” The other boy asked.
Had Joshua not been the Composer, he would have had trouble keeping a straight face. “Absolutely not. It’s a very serious situation I find myself in.”
“T-then of course I’ll help you! Jus’ tell me what to do,” Beat said, grabbing Joshua’s hand, who stared back at him in the eyes.
“I must warn you, it’ll not be an easy task, and-”
“I’d do anything,” Beat interrupted him, and took all of Joshua’s willpower to avoid blushing at the strength of this statement, yet it still wasn’t enough to stop his heart from racing. Hm. Time to drop the act, then.
He cracked a smile and before Beat even had the time to exclaim ‘I knew it!’, he pulled him in a kiss.
When they parted, a few seconds later, Beat was trying his best to look furious. “I was so worried!!”
Joshua grinned brightly. “I know you were. And I wasn’t lying, you know… well, maybe I did dramatise it a little bit, I’ll admit it. But… I did come to you for a little help.”
Beat took a deep breath, closing his eyes, probably trying to calm himself down. Then, he looked back at Joshua and said, “No more jokes, aight? I ain’t mad and you know it, it just…” he squeezed his hand. “I wanna make sure everyone’s safe. All of us. You’re the one who ain’t tellin’ much about what you’re up to, so I’m gonna worry more, you know?”
Beat paused, watching him with concerned eyes. “ …But enough of that! What do you need?”
And Joshua, who always had something to answer, from a witty comment to a whole speech or a simple giggle, found nothing to say. He remained silent, struggling to find words, coming up with sentences only for them to vanish out of reach. Such a simple demand shouldn’t be that hard to formulate, now should it? But in front of Beat’s genuine kindness… Joshua found himself unable to utter a single word. Okay, maybe one? But that wouldn’t do, just imagine Shibuya’s Composer stuttering… He couldn’t allow himself to act like that.
But it was Beat. And he knew that his boyfriend would never judge him, not for something like that.
“Cuddle?” he mumbled, looking away.
He wasn’t even sure Beat heard him, but quickly his doubts were chased away as strong arms wrapped around him and lifted him. He barely contained a squeak, taken by surprise, and froze in place as Beat moved him around before finally settling Joshua on him, both lying comfortably on the couch.
Joshua relaxed, Beat’s Music dancing around him and enveloping him in a cocoon of tenderness and safety. That was just how it was- Beat was always unconsciously being a protective figure to those around him, and his Music reflected that.
Using his hands to support his chin, he looked up to meet his boyfriend’s gaze and Beat flushed immediately. “S-sorry, it jus’... you said you were tired, so I thought… I dunno, maybe you’d be more comfy like that, or somethin’...”
Joshua giggled. “It’s perfect. Thank you, Beat.”
He felt the other boy relaxing as well under him and let his head rest on his boyfriend’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. Steady and echoing the rhythm of his Music… Joshua could listen to it for hours. He closed his eyes, relishing the comfort brought by the embrace, with Beat’s hands on his back, keeping him close.
‘Ever the protective one…’ Joshua thought once again, amused.
Not that he minded. That feeling of safety was everything he needed to be able to finally rest, and he knew Beat could help him with that better than anyone.
He fell asleep quickly, and no nightmares dared to come through the cocoon Beat’s presence created around him.
When Joshua woke up, the sun was setting and he could hear two more Songs than before. Still lying on Beat, he felt something brush against his cheek, but didn’t open his eyes just yet, letting the touch fade away a few seconds later. He knew what that was, anyway, and couldn’t find it in himself to complain.
Later, when he finally moved and went to greet Neku and Shiki, he caught his reflection in the window.
Two hearts, one purple and one green, had been drawn on his cheek.
He smiled fondly. They always did this.
“Your demand has been refused, Kiryu. You may return to your duties now.”
Joshua kept an impassible expression, even though- would he have some- blood was boiling in his veins. How did They dare to- he needed this! He was asking as much for the well-being of Shibuya, for his own duties as its Composer. Their stubborness and refusal to see how important that demand was to his city left him fuming.
Having been dismissed, he took his leave immediately, leaving the Higher Place where he had been summoned only to be announced that his request had been denied. Shibuya welcomed him back, but not even the Song of his beloved city was enough to calm him down. He found himself barely containing his anger, standing on top of 104 and looking down to the crossing, Music and raw power swirling like a storm around him.
Obviously, such a big display of emotions wouldn’t go unnoticed. Soon enough he heard a familiar Song, different from Shibuya’s Song yet with striking similarities, rising above the city, towards him, and calling him. He took a deep breath, before taking out his phone and typing a short message. Even if he said he wouldn’t bother him with his own Composer issues anymore… maybe talking about it would help.
WildKat looked… very different than it did before. And by before, Joshua meant before it got wrecked by Minamimoto, of course. But that only showed how different the previous owner was from the current one… who greeted him with a soft smile when Joshua pushed the door open.
“Hey, Josh,” Neku said as Joshua walked in to sit at the counter.
He was only greeted back by a small nod, as Joshua was trying his best to avoid lashing at him out of frustration. That definitely wasn’t why he came here, and Neku didn’t deserve to suffer because of Them, who hid away in Their high and mighty plane. He had already been through enough as it was… (“because of you”, something whispered in Joshua’s mind.)
Joshua closed his eyes, trying to chase away that thought and to calm himself down once more. Being in such a familiar place was helping a little, despite it being filled with another Song than the one he was accustomed to. But thinking about that… he gritted his teeth. How couldn’t They see how stupid Their decision was?
He heard a sound in front of him and opened his eyes on a warm cup of coffee being carefully pushed his way. Looking up, his gaze met his Partner’s, whose face looked worried. But Neku didn’t say anything, and Joshua was thankful for that. He needed a little more time to be able to talk… for now, just being there in WildKat- Neku’s WildKat- was enough.
He took a sip of his drink, enjoying the familiar taste. It wasn’t exactly his favourite blend, but that was definitely perfect to help him to put his mind to rest and organise his feelings. He was impressed by first, how well Neku knew him and his preferences, but also how familiar Neku had become with coffee and its effects on people. He remembered the first times where he went to WildKat and asked Neku to surprise him with a drink only to get something that he definitely wasn’t fond of.
But he knew- more than anyone- how well Neku was able to change, and for the better. And now, looking at him, cheerfully chatting with one of his customers… Joshua had trouble recognising the boy he shot all those years ago in Udagawa.
By the time Joshua finished his coffee, Neku had closed shop and they were left alone in WildKat. Joshua checked the hour on his phone and frowned. “Aren’t you supposed to close the shop in an hour, Neku?” he asked, pronouncing his first words since he entered.
“Geez, hello to you too, Josh,” Neku replied, amused. “You know, I can close my shop whenever I want. I’ll survive if I miss a client or two. Besides…” He sat besides Joshua, facing him and reached to take one of his hands, intertwining their fingers. “You look like shit.”
A dry chuckle escaped Joshua’s lips. “That’s very rude, dear.”
“Heh, you know I always say what I mean,” Neku smiled, before changing to a more serious expression. “Anyway… Wanna talk about it?”
There’s nothing to talk about. They are too stuck in Their own rules and too blinded by Their so-called rightness to see what’s actually the right choice.
But that wasn’t what he was supposed to answer to Neku, despite how much he meant those words. “I was called to the Higher Plane today,” he said instead.
“About the request you told me about?”
Joshua nodded, eyes still focused on the empty cup of coffee in front of him, not meeting his Partner’s gaze that he could feel on him. “This very one, indeed. They…”
He wanted to say more, but the words got stuck in his throat. He swallowed hard, hoping to wash away this feeling but it remained nonetheless, as if the words themselves didn’t wanted to come out, to be pronounced, as if as long as they stayed there none of what happened would become real. Joshua knew it was just wishful thinking, but since when were human emotions rational?
Neku seemed to catch on to his struggle, giving the hand he was holding a gentle squeeze to show his support yet remaining silent, leaving Joshua space and time to overcome his issue and voice his words. Almost a whole minute passed before Joshua spoke again, “They refused it.”
From then on, it was as if the gate had been opened, and the words came out uninterrupted. “They didn’t even tell me why, but I know- They don’t care about Shibuya. They just want it destroyed just because They believe I didn’t do enough when I reconstructed it after the Long Game. And allowing him to come back would help the city too much, so They denied my request- They’ve always hated him anyway. He’s not like them- he genuinely loves both humans and Shibuya… They don’t care about that. As long as They get entertained… the whole world could burn and They wouldn’t move a finger.” He laughed bitterly. “What for? They could just reconstruct it, or move to another universe… Shibuya- my Shibuya- means nothing to them. I…”
Joshua turned his head to look at his Partner, still silently listening to each of his words. “I was like Them,” he croaked. “I didn’t care. I was so blind, and I… I would have remained the same, if it hadn’t been for you. Sometimes, I still…”
“Joshua.”
His name, spoken softly yet firmly, interrupted him, and he noticed that he hadn’t breathed since he started speaking. Not that he needed to, but… anyway. He took a deep breath, forcing the words down his throat and shoving down all of his frustration and anger, against Them and against himself. Neku’s hand held his tighter, not letting go, and Joshua waited for him to speak.
“You’re not like Them.”
“I’m not like you either.”
“What’s the problem with that?”
Because we’re so similar. Because you managed to grow during the Game and I didn’t. Or at least… not enough. And I’m afraid I’ll lose you, Shiki, and Beat, because you’ll realise I’m too different and that I don’t deserve to share my life with you.
Joshua remained silent.
“The world is painted in a myriad of colours, you know,” his Partner said, “You can’t keep seeing it in black and white. Maybe you’re not fully good, maybe you’ll make bad choices, maybe you’ll make good choices that I still wouldn’t do, but that doesn’t mean that you’re all black nor all white. Same goes for me, you know… heh. Of course you know. But what I’m saying is…”
The words stuck in Joshua's throat were vanishing with each word Neku spoke.
“You’re not like Them, and you’re not like me either. You’re you, and that’s everything I want you to be.”
And with that, all of Joshua’s anger was gone, replaced by a sudden wave of relief and love and care towards this boy that should have hated him given everything Joshua put him through, but still, Neku accepted him and loved him more than he would ever dare to wish for. Loved him more than Joshua ever loved himself.
He felt tears- those traitorous things- running down his cheeks and wiped them with his free hand, scuttling closer to his boyfriend to lean his head on his shoulder, breathing his calming presence. “You’re right,” Joshua managed. “I’m not like them- I would’ve accepted my demand.”
Neku scoffed. “Of course you would’ve accepted your own demand, Josh. What kind of person would do otherwise?”
“Shut up. You know what I mean.”
He felt his Partner lean his head on his and wrap an arm around his waist, pulling him close. “Yeah. I do.”
Joshua hadn’t left his quarters in the Shibuya River since… since when exactly? He lost sense of time. His phone’s battery had died a long time ago. He knew he just had to focus just a little to find the date, the hour, to even find what his Partners were up to.
But he just couldn’t find the strength to do it.
“If they aren’t allowing me to come back, J, then I’m better off. I know you’ve got Shibuya covered, you don’t need me anymore.”
“That’s…” That’s not true. You’ve always been by my side, please don’t leave me now. Shibuya needs you. I…
“Well, I’ll drop by eventually. Maybe in a decade or so, ya know? I’ll see you then. Don’t do anything I wouldn't do, ‘k?”
“I always do things you wouldn’t do, and you know it.”
He threw his head back and laughed openly. “Hahaha!! Of course you do, J. Wouldn’t be where you are if ya didn’t.”
A decade or so… That wouldn’t do. It had only been a few weeks and already the perspective of not seeing the one who had been his mentor for so long left Joshua with a baring hole in his chest. Even when Sanae was out of the city, Joshua had been able to contact him. But now? Gone. Somewhere, too far, out of reach. He had tried everything to find him, yet nothing worked. Of course it wouldn’t- when Sanae didn’t want to be found, no one could find him.
So there he was in the Room of Reckoning, laying on a sofa he took from the Dead God’s Pad and staring at the ceiling, feeling so lost and so desperately alone. What was he supposed to do now? Sanae’s- and mostly CAT’s departure from Shibuya would have big effects on the city and Joshua was pretty certain those effects wouldn’t be positive ones.
He groaned. He was just trying to find some excuses, wasn’t he? CAT had been gone from the city for almost 4 years. The influence of the artist had dried out, the only people remembering him being his old fans- like Neku. Still, Shibuya was feeling… fine.
So why wasn’t he?
Lost in his own mind, he almost didn’t hear the first knock at his door. He certainly heard the second, but didn’t move. Then came a third, and a fourth… He sighed, tuning himself back to Shibuya and to the world around him, and was immediately assaulted by a very familiar Song, with colourful notes tied together with smaller ones forming a thread, floating and dancing in the air. A Song that made people want to smile.
Joshua sighed. There was no way he would be able to get rid of her before hearing her out, wouldn’t he? Might as well get this over with.
He stood up and opened the door with a snap of the fingers, revealing a bewildered Shiki who looked at him with wide eyes. “Wow, I never thought you’d actually open…”
Her eyes landed on him and immediately, a frown appeared on her face. “You look horrible.”
“What is it with you and Neku insulting me this way? You could at least have a little more tact,” Joshua complained.
Shiki stomped her foot on the ground. “Because it’s true! How long have you been moping there? You haven’t answered any of our texts in a week!”
“A week?” Joshua blinked. “Funny… I thought it’d be longer.”
He had tried to put a little amused tone in his voice, he really had tried, but instead, it just came out even more pathetic than it should have. Shiki’s expression immediately shifted- the mask of anger she had put on left her face to reveal her worried and pained expression. She stepped towards him and Joshua simply stood there, too tired, too frustrated, too lost to do anything else. It was as if Sanae had left and taken with him all of Joshua’s energy and strength.
“Hey…” Her voice was soft and gentle. “What happened?”
Joshua looked away. “... nothing important.”
“Nuh-uh. You can’t do that to me, I know that look. If that something is putting you in such a state, then it is important, no matter what you might think.”
Only silence answered her.
“Please, Josh… Let me in. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I’m not Neku, that won’t work,” he said, managing this time to bring a little amused tone in his voice. Reinvigorated by this success, he decided to look back at her and…
Mistake. Big mistake.
He looked away immediately, but could still see her puppy eyes in his mind, and he knew she was still doing it even though he wasn’t looking.
“... stop… no, that’s not gonna work on me…” he protested weakly, but he could feel himself already giving up. It worked too well. “It’s unfair, come on…”
She giggled, and when he threw a glance at her, he saw that she had stopped trying to convince him this way. “Okay, I’ll stop. You don’t have to tell me if you really don’t want to. But… I was worried, you know? We all were. You can’t stay like this.”
He attempted to smirk. “Says who?”
“Me!” Shiki exclaimed. “I say so! Whatever’s on your mind, staying here won’t help. That’s why… you’re coming with me today!”
“What?! No,” Joshua immediately said. There was no way he would step out of the Shibuya River in the state he was in.
“Pretty pleaaaase…” And with that, the puppy eyes were back, and Joshua groaned.
Before he knew it, they were both standing in front of the Cony x Cony shop, and Shiki was tugging him towards the entrance by the hand. Why… When… How did they even get there that fast? He had no time to think about an answer since he was already stepping inside of the shop, following his girlfriend.
The shopkeepers greeted them warmly- both Shiki and himself were regulars- and he barely had the time to greet them back with a little wave of the hand that Shiki was already dragging him further into the store. When she finally stopped walking, looking around as if she was looking for a piece of clothing in particular, he took the opportunity to finally ask her the question that was on his mind since they left the Room of Reckoning. “May you remind me why we’re here, dear?”
“Because, you needed to go out a little,” Shiki replied, gaze focused on the clothes displayed all around them.
“Well yes, but you could’ve brought me anywhere. Why here out of all places?”
“Because I saw this outfit the other day, and I really really really want you to try it on. And also because… going shopping is good to help to lift your spirits!”
“And to empty your bank account, it seems.” They all agreed that Shiki was spending way too much time shopping. Add Eri to the mix, and he had no idea how both girls weren’t broke by now. Hm. Probably because they owned one of the most famous brands of Shibuya…
She smacked his arm. “Oh, stop it. I know what I’m doing.”
“And that is…?”
She didn’t answer, instead rushing towards the end of the aisle and grabbing a thread before coming back and holding it before him. He barely had the time to take a good look at it when she was stuffing it in his arms and running to grab something else, calling without looking back, “Be right back!”
Joshua blinked. When it came to fashion and shopping, Shiki’s energy rivalled Beat’s, and he wasn’t sure to be in the right state of mind to bear it. But he could try.
He took the time to look more closely at the thread in his hands, a creamy white chiffon blouse with puffy sleeves. By reading the tag, he knew what it was called: “Baby’s breath”. Hm, maybe it could look good on him… His attention was still focused on the clothing item when Shiki came back, holding some pants with a more simplistic design. “Sooo… what do you think?” she asked him, trying her best to hide the apprehension in her voice.
Was she really thinking that he could ever find something she picked for him unfitting?
He grabbed the pants and started heading towards the changing rooms with the complete outfit in hand. “What I think,” he said, “is that my girlfriend has an amazing taste.” And with that, he left a fleeting kiss on her cheek when he walked past her.
He heard her spluttering behind him, surprised and flustered, and he giggled. Well, maybe she had been right, in the end. A little shopping trip might have been just what he needed to free him of his sadness-induced lethargy.
“Just remember to trust your Partner, J. Or should I say Partners, heheh… You’ll be fine with them.”
Seeing Shiki’s strawberry-coloured face when he went back from the changing room and her fumbling to take a picture to send to the others, Joshua thought that Sanae was right. He would be fine with them… more than fine, actually.
Happy.