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"Why do you insist on this every time, Jim?" Sebastian sighed, leaning against the wall of the tiny apartment their latest conquest lived in.. "It's like you're just asking them to arrest you again."
The 'Consulting Criminal' was too busy carving into the wall to reply, his tongue peaking out between his lips as he added the finishing touches. "There! Finished, we can go now." he said, wiping a cloth over the carving.
"And are we just going to leave the body on the floor then?"
"Well I don't want it, do you?" he asked as if talking to a child. "You cleaned off any prints, yes?"
The sniper rolled his eyes. "I'm not new to this, smartass." Jim stood on his toes to kiss him sweetly before moving to the door.
"I know sweetheart. Now come on, you may have used a silencer but Miss...Jenkins? was fairly popular, despite her shocking living quarters, so we'd best be off."
"It's like dating a fucking child..." Seb whispered to himself, rubbing his face before following him, opening the door to the car for Jim before getting in himself.
"Seriously though, why do you do it?"
"It's a message to our lovely friends Dr. Watson and Holmes, of course."
"Really, so it's actually something highly intelligent? Another puzzle?" he asked, not believing it for a second.
"Well, yes, sort of. It needed to be said, at any rate."
Sebastian almost turns to stone, he's so unimpressed.
"So "JM + SM = <3" in a big heart is actually quite nefarious? I won't hold my breath for that 'diabolical' plan to come to fruition." His partner huffs, hitting his arm.
"It's not my fault, Dr. Watson started it." he said, arms folded.
"What? How?"
"He bought a mug with "I <3 Sherlock" on it and it was in the newspapers. He's trying to get at me, I know it. He thinks they're a better couple than we are."
Sebastian stared at him as if to say he was crazy.
"Jim, you do realise that's about the most insane thing you've ever said, and that's saying something. He's not trying to...I don't even know, use psychological warfare on you..? It's just a cup."
"I'm the brains here, I know you can't see the intricate workings of our enemies minds, so I won't fault you for it, but you've got to trust me on this." and he seemed so determined that Sebastian just shook his head and stayed quiet.
...
"Did you get the picture?"
"Yes." he gritted out, clutching the phone tightly as he spoke into it. "Where the hell are you, Jim?"
"Just taking a walk. I passed the London eye and felt it needed...something more."
"So you graffitied our initials onto the poles of it and then sent a picture of you and it? I mean...how did you even do it??"
"Have a little faith, Sebastian. It's hardly the most impressive thing I've done by any stretch of the imagination, is it?"
"Just come home, you're out in broad daylight, and without me."
"Aw, thank you for caring, babe."
"Don't call...ugh, just get your skinny arse back here before I drag you back myself. It'll be horribly humiliating for you, trust me." He could almost feel the pout over the phone.
"Fine. You can't blame me though, I was provoked."
"Do I even want to know?"
"Sherlock kissed Watson in the window of their apartment, where he knew the media would be able to see. Holmes is in on it now, I just know it."
"Oh my God."
"I know right?? That's exactly what-"
"Jim you're being absurd! They don't give a shit what you think of their relationship!"
"Sebastian, honey, we've already spoken about this."
"You're being paranoid."
"Am not. I'm being cautious. I'm defending our honour, Sebby, you should be pleased."
"Don't bloody call me that. Christ, just come home. Please?"
"I'm on the way, Mr. Grumpy Pants..."
...
Sebastian walks into their kitchen to find Jim standing at the counter covered in flour and...
"Is that glitter?"
"Wow yes, how observant. Why don't you stare some more, it's grand, maybe laugh a bit. Have a bit of craic at Jim's expense, you're always laughing at me these days anyway."
Sebastian can tell how upset he is easily just by how he's talking. He doesn't usually let his native tongue slip in when he's talking, but now it's clearly showing.
"Ji...Darling? What are you trying to do?"
"I wanted to make a cake. A pretty one, to show that we're the best couple."
"It's still about this? Love, you've got to wake up and realise-"
"I know they don't care! I knew almost from the start. I just...I wanted to show you, you know? That we're the best."
"All this was for me? Oh sweetheart."
"You don't have to pity me, I know I absolutely suck at making cakes. And keeping edible glitter under control apparently..." He lets his sniper pull him close, despite all the cooking debris.
"I've gotten a present for you, I hope it'll cheer you up a little. You can even make a ringtone out of it if you like."
Jim stared up at him bemusedly.
"What is it?"
"Well, I had our friendly competition...picked up, earlier. Got a recording of it, but I just kept the important bits." He pulls out his phone, starting up a video.
Both Sherlock and John are tied to chairs, Watson looking irritated.
"Is this a joke?" the blond's voice emanated from the phone speakers.
"Just say it." 'phone-Sebastian' says, sounding deadly serious.
"Uh...Jim Moriarty and Sebastian Moran are the best couple..?"
"Doesn't sound like you mean it. You too, Sherlylocks, I want one of each."
As Jim watches, he starts grinning, and as the video ends, he buries his face in Seb's neck, hiding his blushing face.
"You did that for me?" he mumbles, grinning from ear to ear.
"Course I did, idiot. I love you. It was quite awkward letting them go afterwards but anything for my handsome consulting criminal."
"Love you too, Sebby."
Sebastian lets the name go. This one time, because Jesus, Jim, he's a sniper not some lovesick teen.