Chapter Text
The air outside was crisp and smelled of pine needles and snow. A distinct, cold, earthy smell that made the entire world seem on a standstill for the winter. The snow outside glimmered, reflecting the sun fiercely. Will pulled the curtains shut just to protect his eyes.
Inside, it was warmer, and the house was filled with French music. He worked hard to learn this language, all to understand the masterpiece of a song introduced to him by his first love. He lounged on the stiff brown couch, reading and singing and sipping nice hot coffee. He needed it to keep himself awake, unable to rest in anticipation.
His new apartment was very different than his room back home. There were books upon books. He could never get enough, they were piled up everywhere, and he actually read them. Not only that, but there was crucifixes on the wall, reminding him of his newfound faith. War took away his sense of love for God, but suddenly, he was propelled by something much stronger than that. The war hurt. His chest ached when he thought about it. God could heal him.
It was the apartment of his dreams. Colorful art all over the walls, a cabinet full of sweet snacks he bought at the local grocers, knickknacks collected over his years of travel. Will felt the life inside of him coming back, what he lost so long ago. A flower blooming inside his worn, creaky ribcage.
With the hot coffee burning his taste buds, Will felt alive. Warm and glowing. He gazed at the pages of the book, but none of it made sense anymore. He couldn’t focus.
“Will,” a voice called as the door edged open. In popped Miss Blake, her face all bright and cheery, a bag in hand. He sat up and placed the book on the coffee table, careful to mark his spot before he rose and embraced her. Miss Blake was like his mother by now, the years ebbing away the pain and mourning, bringing them together stronger than before.
She smelled of Earth and cinnamon, she had been baking. That meant she had cookies with her, and Will had to admit, he was a sucker for her baking. He could see why Blake never wanted to move away from home like Will had done.
“Good afternoon, Miss Blake,” he greeted warmly, motioning for her to sit. “Is Joseph here?”
She laughed, as if the question itself was ridiculous. “Of course, he is, he’s headed up now. Wouldn’t miss a Christmas visit for the world, Will”
Will grinned. It was something almost unnatural to him, but he had to admit he felt so at home. Blakes final gift to him was a family that understood him, even if he never could love again. Sex never felt truly like he imagined, he was sure that with Tom, it was something completely different. He wished he had felt it, their hot breath turning to one, bodies pressed pleasurably together, in a rhythm…
And up came Joseph. He was stronger than the last they saw each other, he stood proud and smiled, offering a handshake. Whilst Miss Blake was close to him, Joseph still held him at arm’s length. Will didn’t blame him, sure that Wills face was a reminder of war, just as his face was a reminder for Will.
“Hey, Joseph,” Will greeted, motioning him to sit as well. “It’s really nice to see you guys. It’s been a while,” he said. He knew it had been 7 years since he moved out, and nearly half a year since they last talked at all. He needed time to be sure he was together, but he was. He saw it now, but he couldn’t even risk putting them in a situation of losing someone else they cared for, he just couldn’t.
A happy ending all without Tom, it was a bittersweet feeling. He still heard bombs crashing to the ground from time to time. He could still smell blood, and he still scrubbed the floors. But he was together, a whole person. Just small gaps in between everything else. He developed hobbies. A family that he actually recognized. A face he saw in the mirror, and while it wasn’t what he wanted to see, he knew it was him. He recognized himself.
“Yes, it has. I’m glad you finally invited me over, Will. I was getting worried,” she admitted. Miss Blake was getting much older now, and she couldn’t handle the idea of losing Will, too, in her lifetime. He knew this well. He would never think of succumbing. He missed Tom. His life was plagued with visions of the battlefield. But how could he ever truly want to die?
Bashfully, Will turned to glance at her from the counter. The kettle was over the flame, now, the water feebly bubbling. “I am sorry, Miss Blake. I just needed time to get myself together. I couldn’t stand the idea of coming back to you broken, after all you’ve done for me. But I’ve got myself all together, now, and I’m happy. I’m finally happy.”
He rubbed the back of his neck, and she smiled sadly, but was quiet. He pulled out three mugs. It was nice to be back with them, he had to admit. He missed his family. Even if they weren’t related by blood.
“So, have you given dating a try?”, Joseph suddenly asked. Miss Blake and Joe came a long way in their understanding of homosexual men. At this point, they understood Will to be exactly like them. They didn’t see a difference at all, and it was normal for them. Normal. Will never thought he would live to see the day there were people who didn’t think him an awful pervert of a man.
“No, I haven’t,” Will mumbled shyly. “I don’t know if that’s my style. I mean, I like men. But Tom was the only person I ever really loved. And dating again just feels like it’s not right”
Silence ensued for a few moments. Joseph opened his mouth for a moment, but Miss Blake beat him to it.
“I think it’s wonderful you’re so loyal to my son, but…Will, you do have to think of yourself now,” she said sadly, giving him that look. The one of pity. He had seen it before, and somehow it hurt more than he anticipated. “I mean, don’t you want to find a love of your own? I’m sure that Tom wouldn’t want you to dwell the way you are”
Will sighed. “It’s more than that. I don’t only feel guilty about Tom. It’s just that I loved him so much. I tried. But no love really compares to the one I had for him, and I think I might be too broken to ever love properly again, not least the way that I loved him.
Miss Blake sighed and took the mug from Will, sipping it. The air was quiet and awkward, snow falling outside. They truly couldn’t understand his pain. He loved Tom. How could he ever love someone other than him?
“I supposed I understand what you mean,” Joe stated, Miss Blake looked his way. “I don’t feel the same either. I think it really is harder to move on than they let on”
Will sat in between them both, and a silence settled over them as the music kept playing. They closed their eyes and pictured Tom listening to this record, singing along. His voice was high, and he put on a falsetto in their minds, the other soldiers laughed at him, but he kept going, because Will was smiling. He was smiling.
“I might not be able to love again in this life,” Will stated, picking at the edge of his mug. “But I believe myself a good man. I think that if I keep on this good path, I can join Tom in eternal paradise. I can love him there; I like to think”
That, somehow, was comforting, and terrifying at the same time. The idea of Tom waiting in the afterlife. None of the people he loved joined him. Tom, with his big heart, was probably glad that none of his family was there, but at the same time, he was so lonely. He had to be.
Miss Blake sat her mug down and leaned back, humming thoughtfully. “When I join him, I will let him know you say hello”
Will took a deep breath and nodded slowly. Tom would be willing to wait for him. For now, he would live.