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Shang Qinghua never really thought about the mysterious dealings of marriage, or weddings. If pressed to make a statement about the subject, he would probably have said that he didn't understand a lot of things in this world or the other, and weddings were one of them. Or maybe he would have said, with a dismissing laugh, that he didn't hold any strong opinion about those kinds of things.
What he actually thought was something like: "Why the hell do people even want to get married?!!!
Years ago, his son and protagonist Luo Binghe had organized the most extravagant wedding for him and his shizun. It had been a humongous affair; there were even scribes recording the smallest details at speed, so messengers could run down the mountain to read the gossip to the people! His stallion protagonist was now a total simp, the kind of man that lived to please and adore his husband in extravagant ways. Well, Shang Qinghua was a simp too, but a more subtle and humble one. And the years as the lord of An Ding Peak had imprinted in him the need to save money. He'd actually spent most of Binghe's mushy ceremony calculating how much everything had costed, and giving thanks to some close-fisted god for Jungshan being the one in charge. At least Cang Qiong Mountain didn't have to pay for it all…
"Can't believe they are even giving money to the guests. Aiyo, my son, I should have created you as a more prudent man, it's my fault" he'd mumbled at one point.
"Qinghua is sweating" had said Mobei-Jun by his side, as he placed a comfortable icy hand at Shan Qinghua's back in a gesture that would have been impossible years ago. "Are you not feeling well?"
"My king, it's just that, ah, I don't enjoy these stuffy ceremonies much." That hadn't been a lie. Those kinds of events implied being well dressed and honorably composed, and Shang Qinghua was more often than not, stressed and badly dressed. But if he would have been honest with himself then, he would have said that it wasn't just the elegant robes or the offensive spending.
Maybe he really had a strong opinion about marriage after all, because…wasn't marriage like a death sentence? The death of the relationship? His parents had divorced. And, ah, aiyo, have you even read the terrifying statistics of this day and age?...Well, in his former day and age. In this world, it was more probable for couples to be separated by death of one of the parts, horrible deaths, like being eaten by demons, being cursed, or falling from a demonic cliff.
(Fortunately for his King, Shang Qinghua was a survivor, and he could manage to hug the tights of a demon cactus if it meant to survive.)
But last night, in a brilliant, slightly evil twist of fate, the impossible happened. After years of servitude followed by companionship, of bad sex followed by good sex, his king, Mobei-Jun, last in the Mobei Clan and sexy smoldering icefiend, had simply appeared by portal when Shang Qinghua was walking leisurely through a hallway with four scrolls on one hand, and a perfect half chewed bun on the other... And he'd proceeded to ask him for his hand in marriage.
"I want Shang Qinghua to be my consort" The demon had said, abruptly. The air around him had not yet stilled, and his hair was still flowing dashingly around his shoulders.
Qinghua had been momentarily confused. It had never even occurred to him that Mobei-Jun would care to marry, less even to a weirdo like him. They were living together, right? For like, ten years? They knew each other to a fault, they, ah, what an embarrassing thing, they loved each other…so what would be the point? Maybe hadn't mean it? Maybe it was all a weird mistake?
So he'd waited a little, just in case his king wanted to go back on his word. Seconds passed. They stared at each other. And finally, Mobei-Jun had cleared his throat and spoke again.
"I had been trying to do it for a long time. But Qinghua doesn't seem to take… subtleties".
"What subtleties?!" Shang Qinghua had laughed nervously. "Ah, my king, what little hints have I missed, please tell me…"
"There was the customary courting" And Mobei hadn't looked mad, but a muscle had started to tick on his cheek. "Bears, jewelry, sweets, displays of strength…"
"But that's just how you are normally, you had been doing those kinds of things for…"
"...Years." And his beloved had stared at him, pointedly.
Another nervous little laugh had escaped Qinghua's mouth. And Mobei-Jun still had waited for an answer, with a composure that would have made his past self implode.
"Are you sure?" Qinghua finally uttered.
"Yes"
"Of..me?"
"Yes"
"Are you really really sure, my king?"
"Yes, Shang Quinghua" the king answered, seeming at last at the end of his patience.
Qinghua had thought of statistics. Of his parents. Bur he'd looked at the demon he loved, that proud demon that now wore an unusually panicked expression, and he'd suddenly felt a weird moisture in his eyes. His king actually wanted to marry him?!
"YES, OF COURSE, and you can't regret it now!", he'd finally cried out loud.
Mobei-Jun had kissed him wildly, and then he'd cradled him against his chest in the most sweet and fierce manner, there, in the middle of a random hallway of his big ice fortress. His king had proceeded to portal them to their rooms, where he'd retrieved from a shelf an antique-looking box. He'd taken out a ring made by two bands of white gold with a big, almost raw stone in the center, that changed colors from blue, to purple, to black.
"It was my mother's" Mobei-Jun had said, laconically. "The nightwish sapphire will protect you now" and his voice went a little more feral "And mark you as mine". And if Qinghua actually cried then, it was nobody's business.
Now, the problem with the wedding was that his handsome Mobei-Jun wanted to marry, but didn't know exactly how to do it.
After a night filled with passionate celebration, Shang Qinghua rose drowsy and disheveled, but already anxious and determined, and he took seat at the small table with paper, ink, and brush.
"So. What do you want the wedding…our wedding, to be like, my king?"
His sexy icefiend fiancé sat in the bed, and seemed to think for a moment before he spoke in his deep voice.
"It is of great importance that we follow all the customs, for my ancestors, and…for me" he cleared his throat "It should be a grand affair, so all the realms learn that this lord has chosen Shan Qinghua as his husband."
So handsome, truly too handsome, this man, especially when he talked that way, so serious.
"So, what are the customs here in the north?" Qinghua said dreamily, a brush and a parchment at hand.
"This king is…not sure."
Shang Qinghua had paused, a drop of ink falling from his poised brush to the pristine paper bellow.
"You… don't know?"
"There hasn't been any northern royal weddings for years" Mobei frowned. "But there should be accounts somewhere in the palace"
Shan Qinghua didn't remember any plot about marriage customs of the northern kingdom, and if he hadn't wrote about that, the story had to have written itself. Weddings and ceremonies were still not his thing, but oh, how atypically adorable, eager, and unsure looked his king. So, with his heart pounding, he promised Mobei-Jun that he, Shang Qinghua, was going to do some research to plan for the perfect wedding.
"Don't worry, my king, leave it all to me. After all, the library and logistics are my area!"
Well, most of the castle was his area. And he'd organized countless brawls, meetings, even a few funerals, on top of his handling of the castle, political maneuvering, writing, and Peak Lord duties. A royal wedding would be bigger, sure, but surely it couldn't be that much of a hassle?
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It turned out it wasn't easy to find information on the royal marriage customs in the library, which was no wonder: At Shang Qinghua's arrival the room had been abandoned, disorganized, and full of dust and little demon rats. Fortunately, those rats hadn't eaten the books and ancient scrolls. Unfortunately they nested in the forgotten library just to hide undisturbed after roaming the corridors biting people's toes. There had been complaints of full demonic toes disappearing, causing no little trouble and outrage, but no one really knew where the rats went. So when the little shits were discovered, Qinghua decided to indulge the palace by letting them hunt the rats in what he called the Great Spring Cleaning and Rodent Hunt.
(Next day multiple fires were lit in the backyard terrains, and you could see demons joyfully cooking meat on spits. Qinghua preferred not to think about it much.)
But even with a clean and rat-free library the subject proved to be a difficult one. So he went into a thorough investigation, taking notes of every small detail he could find.
"Qinghua could let a servant do that work" said Mobei-Jun when he found Shang Qinghua taking scrolls even to their bed. "You haven't been writing your…things. And you had been talking about finger-eating rats in your sleep"
"My king, your subjects get distracted easily, and even the ones I've trained myself wont do a thorough job. This is important for you, so…" he waved a scroll "All efforts are worth it!"
Mobei's usually stoic gaze wavered a little before transforming into a hungry look. Then the scroll went flying and got easily forgotten, and the next morning Qinghua was specially and deliciously sore.
Shang Qinghua ended up doing one of those crazy detective boards, connecting twines and all. He'd actually always wanted to do it, you know, like in the movies, and it proved to be useful, because there were apparently a lot of things to consider for a wedding. He ended up reducing all to ARFD: Apparel, Ritual, Food, and Decorations, and he pinned quotes of the most prominent sources under each category.
Decorations
"The palace was specially iced, just like a good wedding should be, and the customary good abundance of exotic flowers has to be noted, but my dear, not one of them was as beautiful and as toxic as you."
From a letter concerning the wedding of the Seventeenth Mobei-Jun.
Shang Qinghua took note about not warming the castle even if it threatened the life of some guests, and then he sent envoys to plantations where the most beautiful exotic orchids were cultivated; He wanted samples to ensure that nothing he chose was poisonous, bad smelling, or cursed. By that moment, Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky was in the middle of his first wedding-induced stress attack, but that was a part to actually look after. Flowers were always nice! He decided to receive the samples in An Ding Peak, given that the lands of the north were far away from… any kind of flower field, really, and the messengers would be in less danger of getting lost and/or killed on the way. So when the precious cargo arrived, Shen Qingqiu was present to behold Shang Qinghua's reaction.
"Cucumber bro, can you believe the price of these fucking flowers?!" Screeched Qinghua. He'd had bad days, bad nights, and he was weary of reading through every dusty letter, scroll, or pamphlet in the ice fortress.
Shen Qingqiu took the flimsy plant delicately, reproach on his face.
"These flowers are the special mayfly orchids. You can make them bloom at will, but just one time, and then the whole plant dies in an hour. You should know this, you wrote it for one of Binghe's wife-plots. Oh, look," he said, a scholarly look on his face "the sample is already dying!" And he poked at it with interest.
"THEY LAST SO LITTLE! And I didn't know they were going to be so expensive! I think they are overcharging because they know they're for a wedding"
"It takes ten years to grow one, of course they're expensive! But the carnivore ones are cheaper, maybe you could manage them?…" Shen Qingqiu put the disintegrating plant away, "And why are you so upset? You're marrying a powerful lord, he can afford them!"
"It's a question of principles! That's how the economy of a nation goes down, with flowers and weddings!"
"I don't think that's actually how it happens" Shen Qingqiu gave him an actual eye roll. You had never known your history, shitty author."
"No, this is too much," said Shang Quinghua, hands on his head and slightly tugging at his own hair. "I'm not going to marry."
"I won't be the one telling your fiancé."
"My fiancé?... Right!" Qinghua stopped panicking, remembering his motivation... "The wonderful, stern, sexy icefiend, king of my heart. He wants a grand wedding. And he's totally worth it."
"Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the one we love.." nodded Shen Qingqiu, looking wise and dignified as he fanned himself.
"Right, like you taking in the heavenly pillar without even a little…"
"Shut up!!!"
"Ah, Cucumber bro, you're such a prude," Shang Qinghua said proudly. "Sex is a natural subject to talk about with friends. I'm glad I'm not like you."
"No, you're something else" answered Shen Qingqiu, still red faced, but with an evil laugh. "You're sure the rituals don't require a pure and untouched bride or something?"
"CHASTITY?"
Shang Qinghua had yet to find any clue about the most ceremonious part of the ceremony, so the only thing he could do was curse Shen Qingqiu for putting the fear of sin on him. But in the end Cucumber bro decided to be a good friend and actually help, probably because Luo Binghe and Mobei-jun had to go somewhere to do something very violent and bloody.
So Shan Qinghua had help and the whole library of Qing Jing Peak to do his research. The combined efforts resulted in…
Apparel
"On Northern weddings, no one shall dare to wear more jewels than the monarch and his consort. If this came to happen, an apology followed by immediate beheading should occur at once."
From "Ancient History of Demonic Territories Jewelry"
"Apparently beheadings, fights, and other things are less noteworthy than the dress code" Said Shen Qingqiu, over a cup of fragrant tea. "I suppose you'll have to trust the guests to be well attired. But more importantly, have you found anything on the dress code of the couple?"
It was a stroke of good luck that Shen Qingqiu was a huge nerd. Bing-ge hadn't given a fuck about demon customs, so the poor Cucumber bro hadn't had the opportunity of bury himself on books in preparation for his own wedding, and was now totally invested in the subject.
"Nothing much, I think it's just Go Big or Go Home" answered Shang Qinghua. "But I got some paintings with very well dressed people on them, and they gave me an idea for my king's outfit! Silk of the six-winged-moth, and that fur of the evil-mountain-tiger that he gave me as a gift so many years ago…" He said, enthusiastically searching for his references and sketches.
"Your lack of imagination in naming things keeps haunting me."
"Cucumber bro, cut me some slack, I was young and only fueled by instant noodles then."
"And what about your outfit? Silk could be a good option for you as well, you have to match with Mobei" said Shen Qingqiu.
In his wedding he had been dressed in all manner of fluttering ethereal fabrics, looking like a mythical apparition, and lacking only the clouds and phoenixes or a chorus of western-looking angels to look like a god. Shan Qinghua really believed Mobei-Jun was going to be even more handsome than Luo Binghe could ever be, but about himself…
"A potato sack?"
"I know you're only half joking." Shen Qingqiu struck him lightly with his fan.
"Even in silk I would look like a struggling insect wrapped unwillingly in a cocoon" complained Qinghua. "Like, a faulty cocoon. That got trampled. And rained on."
Shen Qingqiu sighed.
"Stop it, you're going to look just fine. Do you have some examples of clothes for you as well?"
"Yes... Although I assure you, nothing is going to look good on me" Qinghua deposited the illustrated scrolls on the table, and then he also rested his head, letting escape a suffering whimpering.
"I can't believe you endured being treated like a lackey for years with no problem, but now you're stressing about your outfit"
"Actually, I'm always stressed. It's just that my stress moves around and hides from other people. Maybe I should just wear it as a crown."
"Do you have to wear a crown?"
"Yeah. Fortunately enough for my head, it's small, not one of those huge bridal headdresses, but there's a ton of other heirlooms that I should wear, I'm going to look like a disco ball. And did you see the size of this rock?" He waved his hand, his voice sounded a little strained. "I'm going to get robbed for sure."
"Didn't you say it is a magical stone?"
"Cucumber bro, magic in this world tends to be fickle"
"I can't imagine why."
Food
"In the union of the twentieth Mobei-Jun, the selection of food was greatly varied. Human (cultivator) on black sauce, human infant, rotten pig on a spike, rotten carcass, intestines, innards, and for the most delicate of stomach, roasted carrion vulture. If the guests are not pleased by the food, they could incur a fault that leads to beheading"
From "Examples for the Perfect Demonic Steward."
"Beheading keeps being mentioned everywhere, almost hopefully," said Shen Qingqiu, meditatively. "maybe it is expected that, being demons, they have to make some etiquette mistake and thus, beheading has to happen."
"What are the other faults?"
"Stepping on feet. Elbowing others. Not fighting, though. It says in here that it's a healthy way of communicating, except if it's verbal aggression, or jokes against their mothers.
Qinghua decided to not dwell on the beheadings.
"I think I will be eating vegetarian." He said suddenly. Vegetarian food in the demon realm meant to baffle the cooks, who usually ended throwing some leaves on a plate, but a feast full of rotten meat seemed inevitable. "But, uh, maybe we should cook some murderers? I don't want this wedding to be lacking…"
"No, you cannot!" Said Shen Qingqiu, in a tone more practical than horrified. "You have to invite the Peak Lords, and human parts on a plate would be.. unseemly."
"What? Human guests in a wedding that demands human meat? That's going to be so confusing for the demons!" Qinghua was at a loss. "Maybe we should try a substitute, like gluten meat. Are demons allergic to gluten?"
"Well, if someone throws a tantrum about gluten, you can always recur to beheading." Shen Qingqiu tapped the table with his fan. "So, it's your list complete? Did you get enough information about the ceremony?"
Ritual
"One shall promise, and the other shall promise, and there would be crowns, and such"
From, "My Idyllic Life in the Demon Realm."
"I'm not kidding you, Cucumber bro, those are the actual words in the book."
"Lazy author meets lazy author." Said Shen Qingqiu, smiling.
"Nah, you shouldn't judge this guy too harshly for not being too thrilled about his work: it seems he was a common human that was imprisoned to do a very whitewashed version of demon history."
So the most ceremonious part of the ceremony was curiously the easiest part. There were no magical bindings, just some vows to protect the other and such. Fortunately demons weren't much for long speeches, because neither Qinghua nor Mobei-Jun were the kind of people that gave heartfelt declarations… in public.
"I've read every single book in the library, and I interviewed old demons, but, frankly? I don't think anyone cares if we follow the rules. Demons are chaotic, they only care about a big party".
"And heads rolling on the floor?"
"I'll leave that to fate. But other than that, there's just a few parts to the ceremony that I found in some book of rhymes. They said I have to walk really slowly through a hallway… hear this: 'Walk, bride, slowly, till it's holy'."
"That rhyme is an abomination. But at least walking it's easy."
"With all the castle inhabitants following me, Cucumber bro!" Qinghua's sigh was especially painful. "I think this custom symbolizes the bride running from danger and into the arms of the groom. Totally outdated, do you imagine Sha Hualing running from danger into the arms of some man…"
"Maybe not a man? Lately I've seen her a lot around Xian Shu Peak."
Shang Qinghua didn't tell Cucumber bro about his last fear. About how terrified he was by the idea of walking the hallway to the throne, surrounded by all the household (that also should be, according to the small book of rhymes and tales, absolutely silent to not get, you guessed, beheaded), and all the guests looking straight at him.
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When The Day finally arrived, Shang Qinghua had eye bags the size of Mobei's pectorals. Not that he could measure them, because his fiance and his pectorals had been away for a month, probably still doing something very bloody somewhere, and anyway, sleeping was for losers, right?
Right?!
Shen Qingqiu arrived already dressed, looking perfect and serene. He paused in silence when he saw Shang Qinghua, still under the hands of hairdressers, and opened his fan in a silent exclamation.
"Airplane, are you ok?"
"Of course!" Shrilled Qinghua.
"You look a little... unwell."
"Cucumber bro, to tell you the truth, I haven't slept in three days" Qinghua responded, a weird maniacal laugh emerging from his core. "But all will be well in six hours, when I'm finally free to the sweet embrace of death".
"If you're being that dramatic you're not ready to die. Here, let me see…"
They were discussing if injecting spiritual energy in Shang Qinghua's eye bags would erase them or make them explode, when the sound of countless small bells came from the hallway.
"You look exactly like a finger-eating rat," said Sha Hualing cheerfully and evilly, appearing at the door. "A hairless one".
She was dressed gorgeously in more fabric than normal, but still less fabric than any decent human, and she wore no jewelry other than her ever present bells, so she clearly knew about the possible faults of etiquette.
"Not the time!" Screamed Shang Qinghua and Shen Qingqiu at the same time.
"Rude. I just came to help. Sometimes beauty needs a little enhancement. And others, ugliness needs to be covered. So, for Mobei's honor I'll help you, my little finger-eating rat." And she took out a small pot with something creamy in it, using it to actually erase the bags in Shang Qinghua's face, evening the skin, closing his pores, all that shit.
"What is this thing made of?" Shang Qinghua questioned in wonder.
"You don't want to know" she thought it better "Or... I could tell you…" his evil smile was enough for Shang Qinghua to choose ignorance.
"The only thing that matters to me is if it's poisonous." He said, squinting. "Is it?"
"For humans?" She shrugged. He decided to take the chance. With a little bit of luck it would be a slow acting poison, and he just had to endure until the end of the night and then he could go and die.
As he was being dressed, Shang Qinghua asked the servants if Mobei-Jun had arrived from his trip already.
"The lord is getting dressed at this minute", they told him. It felt so weird, not being beside him, helping him to look his best, but Qinghua's hands were full at the moment. There were still a thousand little details, so he finally couldn't stand still, and went to supervise the preparations with two tailors chasing him around, and Shen Qingqiu gravitating gracefully, trying to help. Then, finally, everything looked ready and it was the moment for the show.
And there it was, the long, long hallway.
It was a stupid problem of confidence. The description he had written of Shang Qinghua was basically 'handsome enough', but he could still remember a whole other reality where he definitely didn't like what he saw in the mirror. And well, with the most handsome lord in the demon or human realm (fuck you, Binghe) standing beside him, and and a million eyes staring at him… he felt more than ever like that old loner, Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky.
But he thought in the hopeful expression in his beloved's eyes every time he'd talked about the wedding. In all the years they had loved each other, and the years that were yet to come.
"Doesn't matter if I'm Airplane-juju, Hua-di, or the esteemed Lord of An Ding Peak" he said to himself, outloud "I'm doing this for my king!" And he breathed in, out, and walked towards the damned halfway.
He almost tripped once, and he lamented deeply that the bulbous-eyed demon that had been clearly trying to hold his laugh hadn't laughed finally and found his end. When he turned the corner and entered the throne room he saw a tall, unmistakable figure in the distance, dressed in silk and fur, and his breathing calmey a little, although he still had to stifle a nervous laugh. He saw Shen Qingqiu, Luo Binghe, and all Cang Qiong mountain, each peak lord with their lead disciple. There was an expression of surprise on the familiar faces, and Qinghua wondered if it was because he had managed to survive that long.
And finally, after what it felt like a very passive-agressive torture, he arrived to the front of the hall, in front of the throne. He wasn't supposed to look directly at the groom, but he couldn't help sneaking a glance; his man looked more stoic and handsome than ever, a real treat for the eyes!
"DEAG BROTHEGS AND SISTAGS…" Screeched the demon steward that had been granted the honors of conducting the wedding, in such a high pitched voice that startled even the most fierce-looking demons. Unfortunately he had been chosen for his serious looks, without counting his voice or his accent that seemed to scream 'I'm-currently-under-a-swamp', but it didn't really matter, because Shang Qinghua was zoning out a little.
He came alive again when they offered him the gifts that Mobei-Jun had brought for him from those distant lands on his last journey. The gifts were meant to be small and symbolic, since the bride -groom- would possess everything the groom owned, but Shang Qinghua couldn't help but gasp when he saw the elegant brushes of golden hair, the most delicate iridescent parchment, and the other treasures that were perfect for any avid writer. Then it was time to repeat the vows that the screeching steward read, and then… they were married.
They were supposed to walk slowly to the public, barely touching hands, but instead Mobei-Jun turned around to see Qinghua, putting one hand on his cheek. That wasn't in the script! Actually, the bride had to sit demurely even in the feast, away from the groom, but his king seemed to be tired of all that nonsense. So Qinghua laughed, jumped up and kissed his man as the multitude finally erupted in cheers.
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When everything had finally come to and end, and Mobei-Jun carried him (according to another outdated custom) to their chambers on his shoulder like a very expensive sack of potatoes, there was finally peace.
"I know it's our wedding night," said Shang Qinghua when he collapsed on the bed. "And I wanted to ride my king like a black moon rhinoceros python all night long, but I think I'm too tired..."
Mobei-Jun just hummed, a small smile on his lips. He proceeded to maneuver Qinghua into a sitting position, and to undress him carefully, seemingly without any sexy intentions.
"Not," Qinghua added ''that you look like a rhinoceros. Today you looked" he yawned "Like, like... I'm a writer and I can't even describe you, I'm so tired".
"Qinghua also looked good," said Mobei-Jun, still carefully unwrapping his husband from his cocoon. "He looked so good that everyone was impressed with his beauty, as it always should be. This king felt…"
Shang Qinghua waited, feeling happy, comfortable, and cared for. His hair had been braided multiple times with little silver trinkets, and his king was now patiently removing them one by one.
"This king wanted to give all the honors to Qinghua. You are, after all, my most valuable advisor, and the only one who owns my heart." He paused, clearly struggling to express himself. "Qinghua is the most precious treasure in this whole fortress. I had never loved anyone like you."
Shang Qinghua looked into his fierce eyes and smiled.
"This humble Peak Lord feels the same about his king." And he pressed softly his forehead against Mobei's for a minute, before sliding down to lie in bed with a sigh.
"I'm still glad this is all over. And fortunately, there were no beheadings!"
"There should have been."
"Oh gods, so it was customary? I couldn't find any source confirming that!"
"Indeed, beheadings are a custom on great events. Fortunately there were some assassins detained at the door."
"Assassins?!"
"They were of no concern. This king would have protected Shang Qinghua even if they managed to arrive at the throne."
Qinghua thought about the assassins. He yawned. And he found that he couldn't care less.
"So, we shall not display the heads of our enemies?" Said Mobei-Jun tentatively after a while. "They were to be mounted on pikes at the entrance to the castle, for the guests to behold when taking their leave, but if Qinghua doesn't want to see them, I will give the orders."
Shang Qinghua took his arm, making him rest in bed.
"You know what? Leave them. What's a wedding without a little beheading."
And nestled in his husband's arms, Shan Qinghua went finally to sleep.