Chapter Text
It kind of just happens one day.
They have a meeting in the sekai. It quickly devolves from working to chatting, which seems to happen a lot lately.
It's Mizuki's fault. It always is. They start the conversation and then the rest all join.
And then Mafuyu asks a question. That, is very out of the ordinary.
"Do you ever feel like you're living in a dream?" she asks. "As if you aren't supposed to be here, like you're just a ghost passing through life, and you died a long time ago?"
They hesitate. They look at her with more concern than usual. That's answer enough.
"What do you mean exactly?" Kanade whispers and at the same time Ena blurts out "Why?"
She thinks on it. She hasn't been good at feeling her emotions, let alone explaining them. She's been getting better lately, but it still isn't enough. Finally she decides on her answer. "I don't know what I want to do in life. For so long the only future I could imagine was my mother's path. Going to med school, becoming a doctor. I didn't want that. It felt suffocating." She hesitates a bit before continuing. "I didn't think I could live that life. If it hadn't been for you guys, I would have disappeared that day in the sekai."
They don't look surprised. Just sad. And it makes sense, they already knew, they saw her that day before she promised to save her. When they all decided to help her. And they have, a bit.
Ena opens her mouth to say something but is quickly shushed by Mizuki who motions for her to keep talking. She nods at them and does as asked. "When I started wanting to disappear, I stopped being able to imagine a future for myself. I always figured I would be gone by 18."
They look uncomfortable at that. "And by be gone do you mean..."
"Dead" she answers bluntly. "I thought I would kill myself."
K looks extremely pained while Enanan looks like she just hit her in the face. And Amia... They look like they expected this somehow, not shocked but sad to be right.
She continues, ignoring their expressions, she wants to say it all, so that they can understand. So that they can save her once again. "Now I'm almost eighteen and I don't know what to do after that point. I can't imagine it. I'm not planning to disappear anymore but when I try to think of anything past that point my mind blanks."
"I can imagine the future up until graduation. I can imagine myself taking exams. I can imagine finishing another song and going to the diner. I can even imagine people celebrating my birthday, just like they did before. But anything after graduation is non existent. I try to picture myself as a doctor, a med school student, even just as a person who exists, and I can't. It's all dark. My mind feels empty."
She stares at them, finally done with what she wanted to say. They ponder for a minute, taking it all in.
Ena is the first to speak. "Your mind keeps thinking like you're gonna die then." As usual she is the one to put things bluntly, not hiding what she truly thinks. Mafuyu likes that about her, at least she thinks she does. She has gotten a bit better at figuring out what she likes. Every member of 25-ji makes her feel that warmth inside. K's kindness and determination to save her, Enanan's attitude at everything yet still caring demeanor underneath and helpfulness and Amia the mediator, making sure everything goes smoothly between them and caring about their well-being. She feels warm when she's with them.
Not like her house. Her house is cold. Her mother's smiles. Her hugs. It's all so cold. Has been cold for so long.
Before she can get fully lost in thought, K's voice calls out to her. "I'm glad that you don't want to disappear anymore" leave it to her to see the positive in everything she said. But those words are accompanied by a slight smile and it makes Mafuyu feel so warm inside.
Mizuki brings them back to the problem at hand. "So you can't think of anything past 18 cause you still subconsciously feel like you die at that age ya?" They don't wait for an answer. "Hmm, wonder what we could do about that." Their eyes suddenly flash. "What if, we kill you without actually killing you?"
"..."
"..."
"Mizuki are you a fucking idiot?" Ena facepalms. "What the fuck are you talking about???"
They only laugh in response. "Just let me explain!" They all look at Mizuki expectantly. "Okay so death is basically an end of life right?"
"Yeah genius" Ena interrupts, voice dripping with sarcasm. "I think even the dumbest person alive can say that."
"Enanannn! Let me finish!"
"Alright alright go on."
Their bickering is obnoxious at times. Right now is one of those times. Yuki wants to hear what Amia wants to say.
Wanting...A concept that used to be so foreign to her once. Now she feels it strongly, at least when she is with them.
"So Yuki feels like her life is going to end at 18. Well, what if we end THIS life of hers, the one she is currently living, while she, Mafuyu Asahina lives on?"
K answers softly. "So we should do something that feels like the end of now?"
"Yeah, a change so big that it can feel like all this is a past life and she can start something new. See Enanan, K gets it!"
"You lost me" Ena admits. "I don't understand what you mean."
"Ugh it's so hard to explain. Just, you know. Change. Like, sometimes you want to disappear because everyone knows you in a way you don't want them to, and you just want to start all over again you know? I think Mafuyu understands."
"I do" says Mafuyu. "It's tiring being the 'good girl' but I can't stop because then I would be disappointing everyone. And I still don't know who I am. I was so tired. I'm always so tired of pretending. It's a big part of why I wanted to disappear."
Everyone is silent after that. It's Ena who asks. "So, what do we do?" and its Mizuki who answers."Easy, if you want change, fake your death and go start a new life somewhere else!"
Everyone stares at them. They shrug. "Or not, I guess" Thankfully Kanade has an idea. "What if we kinda did that? Group road trip?" Everyone stares at her. She quickly tries to explain. "We'll still be going somewhere new and experiencing new things. It's kinda like what Amia suggested, but not as drastic. It might work?"
Mafuyu stops to think for a second. Then she nods. "okay" Kanade and Ena smile in response while Mizuki lets out a small hurray with their fist in the air.
"25-ji roadtrip it is then" Kanade mutters. "I'm in" and "Sure" are heard from Mizuki and Ena. They all turn to Mafuyu. "I'll try to convince my mother somehow" she says.
"Roadtrip as suicide replacement, who would have thought?"
"I did Ena. Now hush. I know you're excited too."
"Yeah okay, I am."
"25-ji roadtrip" Kanade repeats, a warm smile spreading across her face, also spreading warmth to the other members.