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When they finally make it back to Jackson, Ellie’s ready to take a thirty-year nap. Her legs are jelly and she can’t even imagine how Joel feels. A nearly six month hike is a lot to ask of anyone. Let alone a fifty six year old man. She’s watched him struggle to stand up and keep walking a few times. He tries his best to not make it obvious but it’s hard to miss sometimes. God, it feels like they haven’t sat down in ages.
Being back in Jackson will help. It’s actually kind of hard to imagine what their life here could look like. They’ll be assigned jobs and projects, of course. Neither of them is expecting any kind of special treatment. Honestly, it’ll be nice to share the workload with a group. Much easier than just fending for themselves and hoping the other one doesn’t die when they turn their backs. They’ll come home to a real house at the end of each day. Probably bitching about stupid shit and making dumbass puns. Fuck, she can’t wait.
They reunite with Tommy and Maria as soon as they’re brought through the gate. Joel and Tommy exchange another bro-hug and Tommy looks like he wants to cry a little. Maria’s sporting a clearly pregnant stomach. Wow Joel, thanks for sharing the good news with class. Ellie tries not to make it too obvious that she didn’t know beforehand.
She returns Maria’s hug and smiles up at her. “Lookin’ good, Mama.”
Maria rolls her eyes and chuckles. “Not looking so bad, yourself. Though, you definitely smell like you haven’t showered in a few weeks.”
“How dare you? I’ve been on a heroic quest, thank you very much. Smelling like roses wasn’t exactly top on my to-do list.” Ellie play scoffs.
“Well, after you and Joel take several showers and probably sleep for a week.” Maria pauses in a way that tells Ellie there’s no room for argument. “You’ll have to come over and tell me all about your heroic adventure.”
Ellie forces a smile. “Of course.”
Honestly, even if Ellie could tell her the truth, she wouldn’t want to. She wouldn’t want to see the judgment or disappointment on her face when she finds out there could’ve been a cure. If her and Joel could’ve been less selfish, Maria and Tommy’s kid could’ve grown up with a much better life. Fuck, she can’t even start thinking about that right now. Maria’s right, she needs to fucking sleep.
Joel’s arm wraps around her shoulder. She looks up at him and smiles, trying to show him that she’s okay. Because she absolutely is, for fuckin’ sure.
“You okay, kid?” Tommy asks as he takes his place next to Maria.
“Yup, I’m fucking fantastic. Just hungry enough to eat everything in sight.” She jokes.
Tommy chuckles. “Alright, we’ll let you guys go home. Get cleaned up, take a nap, and we’ll bring some food over for you.”
“Thanks, Tommy.” Joel nods at him.
“No problem.” Tommy answers. He takes Maria’s hand and they head in the direction of the canteen.
Joel hugs Ellie close to his side. She grumbles but obligingly wraps both her arms around his middle.
“You ready to go home?” He asks.
She’s gonna fucking cry. She really doesn’t want to, not with all these people staring at them. God, why is she so fucking emotional right now?
She sniffs as discreetly as possible. “Yeah, let’s go home.”
Joel removes his arm from her shoulders and grabs her hand instead. They walk towards the house in the most content kind of silence she’s ever experienced.
*
She hops in the shower immediately. She feels the warm spray of water washing away weeks of grime off her skin. It’s practically a religious experience. It hits her again that this will be normal from now on. Sure, they had showers in the QZ but hot water? Yeah, you can fucking forget about that. She also doesn’t have to sell her soul to the devil to be able to keep these privileges. So you know, that’s nice too.
She really wishes Riley could’ve seen this place. She would’ve loved the lights, especially when they had the Christmas tree up. Fuck, why is she thinking about her? She usually tries to avoid thinking about her. Avoids thinking about anyone she’s had to watch die, actually.
She tries to shake the thought of all of them out of her head. She wants to enjoy this. They fucking made it. No more taking turns sleeping. No more ignoring the rumbling of their stomachs and parched throats. They get to relax and bask in the glory of it all. So why does the thought of actually doing that make her sick to her stomach?
Whatever, it’s fine. She can smell food coming from the kitchen downstairs. Joel must be making whatever Tommy and Maria dropped off for them. She turns off the shower and rushes to get dressed. A real fucking meal awaits her.
When she finally makes it to the kitchen, Joel’s standing in front of the stove. He hasn’t noticed she’s there yet. He’s humming a song she doesn’t recognize and periodically stirring whatever’s in the pot.
Because she’s an asshole, she decides to scare him a little. Sneaking up behind him as quietly as she can. Just when she’s about the grab his shoulder and shout-
“Smells good, right?” Joel turns to look at her smirking.
“Fuck! How did you know I was there?” She backs up a little and glares.
“You’re not that sneaky and I’m not that deaf.” He responds.
“Could’ve fooled me” She retaliates.
She hops up to sit on the counter next to the stove and peeks over the pot.
“It’s beef stew.” Joel offers before she even asks.
She swallows and takes a deep breath. It really does smell delicious but ever since what happened with David, she has trouble stomaching meat.
“I can take the beef out, if you want?” Joel gives her an understanding look.
Ellie shakes her head. “No, it’s fine. I’m gonna have to get over it, sooner or later.”
Joel puts the spoon down and gives her his full attention.
“You don’t need to ‘get over’ anything.” He says. “You’ve been through hell, Kid. And just because we survived, doesn’t mean we don’t carry those scars with us.”
She gives him a fond smile. “Is that your professional, therapeutic advice, Dr. Joel?”
He chuckles. “Fuck, no. That’s my dumbass dad advice but it’s all I got.”
They both freeze. They’ve never verbally acknowledged the nature of their relationship. Ellie assumed Joel didn’t want to because well, he’s Joel. The man wouldn’t know healthy communication if it slapped him in the face. She also knows it’s complicated for him. She’s not Sarah, they both know that. Joel doesn’t want to feel like he’s replacing her and Ellie would never want to.
It’s complicated for Ellie, too. It’s just for different reasons. She’s never had parents, not even any kind of parental figure. She doesn’t know how to navigate that dynamic. It scares her, honestly. Riley would talk about her parents. How much she loved them, how much it hurt when they died. It made Ellie feel grateful, in a way. She can’t miss what she’s never had. Of course her parents existed, at one point. But she doesn’t know who they were. Doesn’t remember the feeling of loving them and being loved by them.
She already loves Joel. They’ve told each other, in their own way. She feels it when he looks at her, usually laughing. Yeah, she’s never had a dad but she definitely has one now.
Joel clears his throat and avoids making eye contact. He’s gonna start saying some stupid shit to distract her, any second now.
She decides to take advantage of the moment. “Do you miss her? Sarah, I mean.”
He looks at her in shock and she rushes to clarify.
“I mean, that’s a dumb question. Of course you miss her, I just…I don’t know. I wanna hear about her. If you ever feel like it, of course.”
Joel sighs deeply. “I do miss her, every fucking day. I-I just, even after all this time, I still don’t know how to talk about her.”
Ellie nods, understanding.
“But when I figure it out, I’ll let you know. That sound good?” He asks.
“Yeah, sounds good.” She smiles.
*
She manages to choke down quite a bit of the stew. Joel shoots her worried looks but lets her try, nonetheless. He rubs her back and kisses the top of her head on his way to wash the dishes.
They both know they should go to bed. They haven’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks. But the thought of sleeping by herself makes her queasy. She has a feeling the nightmares are gonna be worse tonight. She’s not ready yet and Joel, as usual, follows her lead.
They settle down on the couch for a little bit. Just chatting and trying hard to keep their eyes open.
“Maria said she wants you to rest for a few days. Let yourself adjust and all but after that, she wants you going to that school in town.” Joel tells her.
Ellie groans dramatically. “Why can’t I just patrol with you?”
He chuckles. “Cause you’re fourteen and need a fuckin’ education, that’s why.”
She lifts her head off the cushion to glare at him. “Are you calling me stupid?”
“No, I’m calling you a child, because you are one. Kids here go to school while the adults work. That’s how it’s supposed to be.” He pokes her forehead.
She huffs. “Maybe in your time, Grandpa.”
“This is nonnegotiable, gremlin. If you really want, Tommy said you can help out in the stables a few days after school.” He strokes her hair in a placating manner.
She lets him because it honestly feels nice. This all feels nice, it’s fucking weird. They lay there in silence for a while. If Joel wasn’t still moving his hand against her head, she would’ve thought he was asleep.
“Joel?” She asks.
“Yeah, baby girl?” He replies.
That seems to be his favorite name for her. It feels significant in some way but she’s never gonna have the courage to actually ask him.
“I’m scared.” She admits.
He’s sitting up in an instant. All signs of tiredness suddenly gone from his face. “Why? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, that’s the problem.” She responds, trying to hide her face in his chest.
He calms down slightly and rubs her back. “Okay, that’s okay. Can you describe what it feels like?”
“It feels like the world is ending. Which is kind of funny, when you think about it.” She sniffles. “There’s this pit in my stomach and overwhelming sense of, I don’t actually know. Grief, maybe?”
Joel pulls her closer and the tears she had been fighting all day finally start falling.
“I just feel like I don’t deserve this, you know? Like, why me? Why do I get to take warm showers and have plenty of food to eat? It’s so fucking unfair.” She’s starting to hyperventilate a little. “All I can think about is how much I have to lose, now. Of all the people I’ve already lost and I can’t-”
She’s sobbing and she can’t breathe right. Joel’s pulling her into his lap, holding her face in his hands.
“You gotta breathe, baby.” He places one of her hands on his chest. “Try to breathe with me, okay?”
She tries to do as he asks, but that pit in her stomach has finally broken free. She feels it consuming and controlling her body.
“I’ve got you, baby. I promise, we’re safe. Nothing bad is gonna happen right now. I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere. So just breathe for me, okay.” He’s caressing her cheeks and holding eye contact.
Looking at him helps. He’s here, they’re both alive.
“That’s it, there you go. You’re doing so good, sweetheart.” He presses their foreheads together.
It takes a few more minutes for her to fully calm down. Joel never lets go of her. He just holds her and mutters reassurances.
With her breathing mostly back to normal, other than a few stray hiccups, she pulls away to look at him.
“I-I’m sorry. I don’t know where that came from.” She apologizes.
Joel shakes his head. “You don’t ever have to apologize for something like that, Ellie.”
She sighs shakily and lays her head back down on his chest. She knows he’s not judging her. God knows they’ve seen each other in worse states than this. But she’s still putting this in the humiliating moments file.
“I’m serious.” He reiterates. “I get them too.”
Ellie’s head shoots up. “You do?”
“Yeah, baby. I get them a lot, actually.” He gives her a forced smile.
“What are they?” She asks.
“I think they used to call them panic attacks.” He answers. “Now, don’t quote me on that cause I honestly don’t know shit when it comes to this stuff.”
“Why do they happen?”
“For me, something usually triggers it. A hard conversation, bad news, but sometimes they just come out of nowhere.” He wipes the tear tracks from her cheeks.
“Well fuck us, I guess.” She laughs bitterly.
He chuckles. “I won’t lie to you, they fuckin’ suck. You might get them more frequently, now that we’re safe. Your brain trying to get you to process and all that.”
Another tear escapes because she’s apparently never gonna stop crying.
“Hey, listen to me. You always come get me, okay? Don’t ever feel like you have to hide it.” He practically begs her.
She nods. “What about nightmares?”
“Come get me for those too.” He answers.
“I will, I promise.” She pauses before asking- “Do they ever go away?”
Joel sighs. “Not fully, but they get better with time. They’re less vivid, at least.”
Okay, well at least there’s that.
“Are you still having nightmares about David?” He asks, spitting out the name like a curse.
“Yeah, sometimes but it’s not always him.” She says. “Sometimes it’s Henry and Sam or when you were stabbed in Colorado. Other times it’s Riley-”
Fuck, she’s never told him about her. She’s not fucking ready to do that. She still doesn’t know if she could even say the words out loud.
He seems to sense her distress. “No matter what they’re about, you come get me. We don’t have to talk about them if you don’t want to. We can make some hot chocolate or somethin’.”
She scrunches up her eyebrows. “What the fuck is hot chocolate?”
“Jesus Christ.” Joel sighs.
“That sounds disgusting, Joel. Like, I’m actually offended you would offer me that after a nightmare.” She jokes.
“You’re gonna regret that after you try it. Just wait and see, you little shit.” He chuckles.
She rolls her eyes. “Whatever, old man.”
They lay back down and Ellie knows she’s got two minutes tops before she knocks out.
“Can we sleep here tonight?” She asks.
“Yeah, I’m about to pass out anyway.” He answers.
Ellie hesitates for a second before she goes for it- “Goodnight, Dad. I love you.”
Joel stills completely for a few seconds. Ellie’s fucking terrified that she’s crossed the line. But before she can send herself into another panic attack, he leans over and kisses her forehead.
“Goodnight, baby girl. I love you too.”
Ellie smiles and finally closes her eyes. Yeah, everything's gonna be okay.