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Here’s the thing, Ellie’s decided she hates going to school. Not that she’s ever particularly enjoyed school, like ever, but she despises it now. Joel says that’s a ridiculous statement to make. Especially because she hasn’t even gone to the school here yet.
“How can you already hate it?” He asks. “Tommorow’s your first day. You’ve never even stepped inside the building.”
“So? I can feel the bad vibes coming off that place every time we walk past it.” She levels him with a look, dead serious.
He rolls his eyes. “You can’t hate something you haven’t tried.”
“You wanna bet?” She asks.
Joel takes a seat next to her on the floor. She’s currently in the process of redecorating her room. And by redecorating, she mostly means reorganizing. Moving the bed to a different corner of the room, throwing away some of the damaged trinkets from the shelf, and tearing down any poster that has anything resembling a teen boy on it. There’s drawings scattered around the floor. She’s trying to pick out the ones she wants to keep.
“Are we mostly joking or do we need to talk about this?” Joel asks.
Ellie avoids making eye contact, despite Joel’s best efforts. Pretending to be engrossed in one particular drawing.
“No, it’s fine. I know I don’t have a choice, anyway.”
“You always have a choice, Ellie.” He pauses until she finally looks up at him. “I’m not gonna drag you there kickin’ and screaming.”
Ellie snorts. “You might not, but Maria definitely will.”
“That’s true. You’re on your own with that one.” He teases.
“Dad of the year, everybody.” She says sarcastically.
Joel smiles, soft and fond.
She doesn’t always call him Dad. Sometimes it’s grandpa, old man, basically anything that implies he’s ancient. She still calls him Joel, too. Mostly out of habit but also for dramatic affect. Every time she does call him Dad though, he looks almost shy. Like he doesn’t want to show how happy it makes him. Probably doesn’t want to make her feel pressured to call him that or some other Joel-logic bullshit.
“I never claimed to be that. Plus, you chose me so if anything, it’s kind of your fault.” He raises his eyebrows in a challenge.
She lets out a shocked laugh. “Oh, really? I don’t remember picking you out at the garage sale.”
“How do you know what a garage sale is but not fuckin’ hot chocolate?” He shakes his head and chuckles.
“Because, Joel. Garage sales are absolutely unhinged and help further the plot of a book.” She answers matter-of-factly.
“How could a garage sale possibly thicken a plot?”
“If you’d ever read a book in your life, you’d know.” She pokes his cheek.
He swats her away playfully. “Yeah, whatever.”
Ellie continues to look at the drawings. She doesn’t know why she can’t bring herself to throw them all away. She didn’t make any of them and she doesn’t even know what half of them are supposed to be. Maybe it’s because she knows that the girl who used to live here is most likely dead. The only parts of her that still exist are inside this room. It’s stupid but she doesn’t want the girl, wherever she is, to feel forgotten.
“You should make some of your own drawings.” Joel suggests. “Add them to the collection.”
“I don’t even know how to draw.” She replies.
Joel smirks and she knows he’s about to say something annoying. “Well if you went to school, maybe they could teach you.”
“That was low, even for you.” She glares.
He sighs. “Okay kid, I’m serious now. Why are you fighting this school thing so hard?”
She doesn’t know if there’s a simple answer to that question. All she knows is the thought of going to school everyday, leaving the house and Joel, scares the shit out of her. And yeah, Ellie knows that’s not exactly healthy but she can’t fucking help it.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me.” He assures her.
“I think I’m scared to be away from you.” She admits.
She feels stupid, saying it out loud. She’s fourteen, almost fifteen, years old. It’s ridiculous that she’s too anxious to be separated from her Dad. Especially because she’s known him for less than a year. Shit, if someone had told her a year ago that she would be having this problem, she would’ve laughed in their face.
“That’s understandable.” Joel tries to tell her.
“No, it isn’t.” She shakes her head and stands up. “I didn’t used to be like this.”
He stands up too. Leaning against the dresser, watching her pace to her heart’s content.
“What do you mean?” He asks.
“I didn't used to need anyone.” She confesses. “I always knew I was on my own and I was okay with that.”
“Everybody needs someone, Ellie.” He clears his throat and crosses his arms. “Even me.”
She chooses not to respond. Mimicking his stance and leaning against the wall. She knows she’s being stubborn and ridiculous. Joel’s trying to help, telling her it’s okay to feel how she feels. But that feeling of being too exposed is back. Fuck, maybe he really has rubbed off on her. Here she is, ready to run at the first sign of vulnerability
“Baby girl,” Joel coaxes gently, walking towards her. “Can you look at me for a second?”
Ellie huffs but eventually lets her eyes settle on him. Is she glaring at him? Probably, but he didn’t specify how she needed to look at him.
He tilts his head and smiles fondly at her attitude. “Someone’s a little moody this mornin’.”
“Dad, I swear to God-” She begins to threaten.
“Yeah, yeah I’m getting to the point.” He surrenders.
He sits back down on the ground and motions for her to follow. She does, but only because the wall was uncomfortable.
“I’m scared too.” He says. “I actually begged Maria to give us a few more days.”
“You did?” She asks, her voice sounding hopeful.
“Yeah, I did.” Joel sighs. “But she said no, sweetheart.
Ellie runs a hand through her hair, frustrated. “Why? We’ve been through hell. I thought she understood that.”
He pulls her hand out of her hair. She didn’t even realize she’d started tugging at it.
“She said we’re never gonna feel ready.” He strokes her hand with his thumb. “That the longer we wait, the harder it’s gonna be. And I think she’s right.”
The frustration starts to manifest as tears in her eyes. Which is honestly so fucking rude, if you ask Ellie.
“If you think that, then why ask in the first place?” She questions.
“Because I’m selfish and scared to death.” He responds.
Ellie’s confused. It must show on her face because Joel continues-
“Every parent feels it the first time they drop their kids off at school.” He explains. “I felt it with Sarah, too. But the world was a lot different then and well, it’s worse this time.”
She nods and squeezes his hand. “What does it feel like?”
He looks down at their intertwined fingers. “It’s terrifying. All I can think about is something happening to you and me not being there.”
A tear rolls down her cheek and Joel doesn’t look much better. He sniffs and wraps an arm around her.
“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to make it worse. Don’t cry, please.” He begs.
Ellie shakes her head against his chest. “You didn’t make it worse. Apparently, I just cry all the time now. Like, it’s actually getting annoying.”
He lets out a shaky chuckle and kisses the top of her head. “You’re tellin’ me. I’ve cried more in the past few months than I have in twenty years.”
She pulls away to look at him. Pats his cheek in a faux-comforting gesture. “How the mighty have fallen.”
“Shut up.” He pinches her nose, using it to shake her head back and forth.
Ellie swats him away but the smile gives her away.
After play-fighting for a little bit, Joel surrenders. They settle down. Joel leaning against the side of her bed, Ellie resting her back against his chest.
“Here’s the deal, kid. As much as I would love to keep you by my side forever, we both know that’s not healthy.” Joel starts. “You need to go to school, socialize with people your own age.”
“I know.” Ellie sighs. “Not to mention, I don’t think either of us want to experience Maria’s wrath.”
Joel shakes his head. “No we do not. I would honestly fear for our lives, in that situation.”
“Much scarier than anything we’ve been through, by far.” Ellie giggles.
“Definitely.” He chuckles, resting his cheek against the top of her head. “I also want you to keep learnin’. God only knows why, considering how big that head of yours already is.”
“I suppose any brain would seem big, in comparison to yours.” She teases.
Joel grumbles and she can practically hear his eye roll. “Alright seriously, we gotta figure this out.”
They sit in silence for a while. Neither of them really knowing what the solution is. Maybe the hardest part is, they already know the problem. It’s not exactly hard to figure out, after all. For almost a year now, they’ve only had each other. Relying solely on one person for all your physical and emotional needs for that long is bound to have some consequences. It’s hard to trust new people and honestly, it’s hard to want to. The answer is staring them right in the face but neither of them want to acknowledge it. A little distance and time. That’s all they need.
“What if we came up with some kind of system?” Ellie asks. “Like, if something goes wrong, a way for us to get to each other.”
Joel nods. “That could work. Any ideas on how we’d do that?”
Ellie ponders for a second. “We could talk to Maria. Maybe she could talk with my teachers. So if I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack or something, someone could come get you.”
“We use walkis’ on patrol.” He informs her. “We could make up a code word or somethin’. That way I know that I need to come get you but no one else has to know what it’s about.”
“That’s perfect!” Ellie yells. “And it could work both ways. If you’re injured, someone can use the code word to tell my teacher. Then I can come find you.”
“Don’t worry about that too much.” He tries to comfort her.
“Wish I could stop.” She complains.
He wraps his arms around her and rocks them side to side. Doesn’t stop until she finally laughs.
“I’ll talk to Maria about it tonight.” He promises. “I don’t think she’ll have a problem with it.”
“Yeah, I think she’ll understand.” Ellie smiles, feeling hopeful for the first time all day.
“Let’s hope so. God knows my brother’s gonna be a hundred times worse, once that baby’s born.” He jokes.
Ellie giggles. “Fuck, I didn’t even think about that. Poor Maria, I honestly feel sorry for her.”
“You and me both, kid.”
*
Maria tells them it’s fine. She honestly just seems happy she won’t have to yell at Joel, again. Tommy’s behind her, smirking like he’s witnessing the most entertaining moment of his life. Joel glares at him in a way that clearly says, shut the fuck up.
Ellie hears a whispered conversation between the two, at some point in the night.
“Look at you, goin’ all ‘protective dad’ mode.”
“Just wait ‘till it’s you, fucker.”
They’re pretty quiet after that.
That’s how they end up here, standing in front of the school. Ellie shaking slightly while Joel holds her hand.
“Hey,” He says, getting her attention. “Maria said she already talked to your teacher. So if you need me, you tell her. I’ll be here as soon as I can.”
Ellie nods. “Yeah, of course but I’ll be fine. I got this.”
Joel smiles and ruffles her hair. “Yeah, you do.”
She stares at the entrance to the building. It’s just a door, it shouldn’t be fucking scary.
“Well, I guess I should go in.” She says, trying to gather her courage.
Before she can even attempt to move, Joel’s pulling her into a hug.
“Dad, I can’t breathe.” She chokes out.
He loosens his grip but only slightly. “Sorry, I-I just… this is hard for me too.”
Ellie chuckles and returns the hug. “I know, I know it is.”
He pulls back and looks into her eyes. He strokes her face in a way that makes her feel like a toddler. “I’m proud of you.”
“I’m proud of you too, Joel. Pushin’ sixty and still able to go to work everyday. It truly is a miracle.” She pats his chest.
He glares at her. “You know what, never mind. This isn’t hard, at all.”
Ellie laughs and finally begins to walk towards the entrance. But before she goes in-
“Hey, Dad.” She turns towards Joel. “I love you.”
He smiles and puts his hands in his pockets. “I love you too, baby. Now, go annoy someone else for a change.”
She rolls her eyes but finally heads through the door.
It’s not too crowded, thankfully. Just a few kids making their way to class. She doesn’t know where the fuck she’s supposed to go. She decides to just follow everyone else.
When she enters the classroom, she sees a middle-aged woman standing behind the desk.
“Uhm, I don’t know if this is where I’m supposed to be but I’m-” She tries to introduce herself.
“Ellie, right?” The woman interrupts her. “Maria’s told me all about you. A lot of the kids have been excited to meet you, as well.”
“Oh, great.” Ellie forces a smile.
“I’m Ms. Collins, your teacher.” She explains. “Do you want to introduce yourself to the class or would you rather just meet them individually?”
She will absolutely not be introducing herself to the class. Fuck, no.
“Individually, please.” Ellie answers.
Ms. Collins nods. “Sure, you can take a seat wherever you want. Class will start soon.”
Ellie looks around the room. There are a few empty tables near the back. Yup, that’s where she’s going. She sits down and pulls out her pun book from her backpack. Mostly so she’s not just sitting there fidgeting.
Suddenly, a girl sits down next to her. “I love that author! I didn’t know there was a second book.”
Ellie looks around, making sure that the girl is talking to her. “Uh, yeah. My friend got it for me.”
“That’s cool.” The girl smiles. “I’m Dina, by the way.”
She has a pretty smile, Ellie can’t help but notice.
“I’m Ellie.” She replies.
“I know.” Dina says, shyly. “I asked around about you, the first day you got here.”
Ellie looks at her for a second before it dawns on her. “Oh, you’re the girl I yelled at in the cafeteria.”
Dina laughs a little. “Yeah, that’s me.”
Great, just her luck. She’s already offended the pretty girl who likes puns.
“It’s okay, you were right. I shouldn’t have been staring.” Dina says. “Plus, it was kind of funny.”
Ellie smiles. “Glad you thought so.”
It’s silent and awkward for a few moments. Ellie’s starting to regret every decision she’s ever made in her life when-
“Would you wanna eat lunch with me and my friends?” Dina asks.
“Uh, sure.” She replies. “That would be cool.”
“Yeah, cool.” Dina smiles. “Just to warn you, my friend Jesse is super curious about you.”
Ellie’s eyebrows scrunch up in confusion. “Uhm, why?”
“I think it’s mostly because of your Dad.” Dina explains. “Don’t ever tell him I said this, but I think he’s scared of him.”
Ellie can’t help but burst into laughter. “Why would he be scared of my Dad?”
“I don’t know, dude.” Dina laughs with her. “He said there’s something in your Dad’s eyes. Makes him look like he’s seen a lot of shit or something.”
“Well, he’s not wrong.” Ellie concedes. “But as long as he doesn’t fuck with me, he’ll be fine.”
Man, Joel’s gonna get a real kick out of this later. He’ll love the fact that the neighborhood boys are already shitting their pants, scared of him. Maybe school won’t be so bad, after all.