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December 2009
It was hard for Chad to believe that he was nearly halfway through college. There were times when it felt as though he would blink and wake up in his childhood bedroom. Or he would wake up worried that he was late for practice and Coach would make him run sprints.
Then Chad remembered all that had changed. He had a small, yet terrific group of friends. He even counted Sharpay Evans among them. He was rising in the ranks on U of A’s team and had grown incredibly close to his brothers.
Chad also had an incredible boyfriend.
Living in a different time zone from the larger-than-life Ryan Evans was torturous. Yet the couple found ways to make it work for them. They spoke when they could on the phone, they both sent more emails than Chad could count, and they were inseparable when they were home on break. Sharpay even went as far as to say that she spent less time in utero with Ryan.
In many respects, Chad felt that he had it made. Although Sharpay and Troy already knew, he and Ryan presented publicly as a couple to the rest of the friends by the summer after freshman year. They were all receptive, ranging from incredibly supportive (Kelsi, Gabriella, and Taylor) to surprised but happy for them (Zeke, Martha, and Jason).
The thorn in Chad’s side were his parents.
“I’m overthinking it, right?” said Chad, laying on his back.
He was staring at the ceiling of Ryan’s bedroom. It was Christmas break of sophomore year and the two of them were spread across opposite corners of the bed. At Ryan’s desk was Sharpay and lounging on the floor was Kelsi.
“You’re repeating yourself. That’s for sure,” drolled Sharpay.
Kelsi shot her a look.
“He’s allowed,” said Kelsi. “Telling anyone can feel huge. Especially considering the doubt that his mother sewed in his mind.”
Chad didn’t need reminding. When he told his mother that he “thought” he was gay last New Year’s Day, it didn’t go how he imagined. For better or worse.
“Perhaps it’s more of an interest in the appearance of other guys? Feeling envious of them.”
Chad pursed his lips, continuing to stare determinedly at the kitchen table.
“I think I would’ve realized the difference by now,” he said shortly.
“Maybe it would help you to work things out if you spoke to someone at college —”
“I’m not seeing a therapist,” he snapped, finally looking up at her. She looked frazzled. “I like guys, Mom. I’m not in any danger of flinging myself off —”
“Stop it,” she said harshly. He fell silent. Even he realized that he went too far with that last remark. But he was so damn frustrated, and he felt as though he was under a microscope. “I don’t think you should tell your father yet.”
Chad froze, feeling the color drain from his face.
“W-Why?” he said, his voice cracking.
“You said it yourself that you just ‘think’ you are,” his mother said, like she was making the most sense in the world. “There’s no point in telling him unless you’re certain, right?”
Chad looked up when he felt Ryan squeeze his ankle. The blond offered a supportive smile and Chad exhaled. Ryan never told him what to do or how to feel. He listened. Chad couldn’t put a price on that if he tried.
Yet sometimes Chad couldn’t help but seek Ryan’s counsel.
“What do you think?” asked Chad.
Ryan was silent for several long moments.
“I think your father loves you,” said Ryan. “You also said it yourself that he’s always leaned more toward fiscal conservatism than social conservatism.”
That was true. It helped that Ryan brought up that point.
“If you’re ready to tell him, then that’s really all that matters,” said Ryan.
“I wanted to tell him ages ago.” He threw an arm over his eyes. “If she hadn’t … double-crossed my mind.”
“There’s nothing you can do about that now.” Chad tilted his head sideways so he could look at Sharpay. She had managed to pull her eyes away from her phone for longer than two seconds. “It’s your life, Danforth. If you keep letting others run it, you’ll keep losing more of yourself.”
Sharpay stood and left the room. Kelsi looked at where the two boys were laying on the bed.
“Did she actually offer good advice?” said Kelsi, dumbfounded.
“She was due,” said Ryan.
“I heard that!” shrieked Sharpay from down the hall.
Ryan smirked.
***
Chad intended to wait until he and his father were home alone. It didn’t take long.
Since it was the holidays, his mother was running around to visit with friends. Chad’s younger sister had plenty of holiday activities that their mother chauffeured her to and from on a regular basis as well.
That was what they were doing now. One of her classmates was hosting a Secret Santa party. Chad had resisted the urge to scoff when his mother asked whether he wanted to join them.
“I need to work on my jump shot,” was Chad’s excuse.
That was the plan. He didn’t anticipate that his father would wiggle his way out of the party. As he went outside to practice his shot, he saw that his father was already there.
“I thought I’d see whether my old alma mater is still up to par,” said Charlie.
He opened his palms and Chad tossed him the ball. Charlie caught it easily and threw it toward the hoop. It swished through the net.
“Still got it,” chuckled Chad.
“I’m old, not dead,” quipped Charlie.
Chad gave him what he hoped was a halfway convincing smile. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy his dad joining him for practices. Charlie always gave his son terrific input. Basketball was meant to be Chad’s way to make sense of things, though.
Things that were right now linked inextricably to his father.
He practiced for at least 45 minutes. He made most of the shots, but many bounced off the rim. A few bounced off the backboard and others were wide. It would be laughable if he didn’t know the reason why he was distracted.
Eventually, Chad called it and got himself some water. He sat on the ground beside his ball and squirted some of the cool water onto his face.
“So, are we gonna talk about it?” asked Charlie.
Chad stilled.
“About what?”
Charlie studied him.
“Your game is off and your mind might as well be on the other side of the country,” said Charlie. “That’s not you. Even when you have stuff going on, you can compartmentalize on the court. It’s what makes you a phenomenal player. So, what’s on your mind?”
Charlie finished his speech and waited. Chad stood and walked inside of the house. Charlie was hot on his heels.
“It’s nothing, Dad,” said Chad.
Tell him. This is what you’ve waited for.
“Is it something with the team? With your classes?” pressed Charlie. “Is it Taylor?”
Chad should have expected that. Of course his mom hadn’t told his dad that Chad and Taylor broke up before college. Granted, it was the sort of thing that would have normally come up sooner between a father and his son.
There were days when Chad felt anything but normal. On those days, he tried to remind himself that there was no single correct way to be a person.
“Taylor and I aren’t together,” said Chad quietly. “Not for a long time.”
Chad watched as his father processed that information.
“Is there someone else?” asked Charlie.
Chad swallowed. One thing that he had promised himself was that even if he felt the urge to lie about himself, he wouldn’t lie about Ryan. He wasn’t ashamed of Ryan or his role in his life. The other boy reassured him that he didn’t think Chad was ashamed. That it isn’t lying if it’s a way of self-preservation. If it’s to stay safe.
“I just want you to be safe,” Ryan had said.
It wasn’t “just” anything. That was everything to Chad.
“Yeah,” said Chad. “Only, I don’t know how you’ll react.”
Charlie motioned for them to sit. Chad sat on the edge of a dining room chair so that his mother didn’t yell at him later for sweating on the good furniture.
“Does she make you happy?” asked Charlie.
Chad closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He braced himself.
“Yeah,” said Chad. “He does.”
Chad forced himself to look at his father. If for no other reason than to know if he had to duck or dodge a swing. Charlie returned his stare with an inscrutable expression. Chad wished that his father would say something. Anything to keep things moving forward.
Well, maybe not anything.
“Does your mom know?”
Chad didn’t expect those as Charlie’s first words. They made him feel a new sort of discomfort.
“Yeah,” said Chad. “She saw … I was going through stuff at the end of last year. I let it slip that it was more than one thing and that’s when I told her. She told me that I should wait to tell you.”
Charlie’s eyebrows furrowed. That prompted Chad to continue speaking to fill the silence.
“I didn’t want to wait, Dad. I mean — I wasn’t ready to talk, but I didn’t want to specifically keep you in the dark. I was stupid and said I thought that I’m gay and she said that I should wait until I’m sure, but I am sure. Then it just kept feeling bigger and bigger and I started getting into my own head about your reaction and …”
Chad was close to hyperventilating when his father spoke again.
“Son,” said Charlie. “Breathe.”
Chad’s eyes burned in the corners. His father looked concerned, so he explained.
“You called me ‘son’.”
Charlie’s eyes turned sad.
“Did you think you’d ever be anything else to me?”
Chad shrugged before sniffing.
“You never know.”
“Well, let me be clear,” said Charlie. He leaned forward in his own chair. “All I want for my kids is for them to be happy and healthy. Regardless of who they find that happiness alongside. If it’s a guy or a girl … I just hope they have the confidence to pursue it. To not let fear hold them back.”
Chad gave a rushed sort of nod. Charlie sighed and got to his feet, motioning for Chad to follow his lead. When Chad did, his father pulled him into a tight hug.
“Thanks for telling me, kid,” said Charlie.
Chad was fully crying now. He wordlessly nodded and they stayed like that for a bit. Chad wiped his eyes with the back of his hand when they separated.
“Is it someone from school?” asked Charlie. “Your …?”
“Boyfriend,” confirmed Chad. “No. It’s, uh … it’s actually someone from East High.”
Charlie’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.
“Who?”
Chad bit back a laugh.
“Remember Sharpay Evans’ brother, Ryan?”
Charlie stared at him before he threw his head back and laughed hard. It wasn’t remotely mean spirited and Chad felt himself joining in his father’s disbelieving amusement.
“Yeah,” said Chad. “If you told sixteen-year-old me, I would’ve laughed in your face, too.”
“I think the actual traumatic part is knowing that we could end up tied for eternity to those absurd women,” said Charlie, shaking his head.
Chad’s lip lifted.
“They’re an acquired taste,” conceded Chad. “Sharpay’s mellowed, believe it or not. She has it in her to actually be a pretty decent friend.”
Before either of them could speak further, they heard the front door open. Chad’s sister barrelled in and ran to give him a hug. Chad lifted her into the air as his mother took in the scene.
“Good party?” asked Chad to distract himself.
“Yes!” cried his sister. “Come upstairs! I wanna show you my gift!”
Chad felt relieved that she provided an excuse to leave their parents alone. He gave his father an appreciative smile, which was returned with a simple nod. As Chad walked up the stairs with his sister chattering about the party, he felt himself become lighter. Things weren’t perfect, but Chad was past the point of expecting perfection.
He would gladly settle for easier.