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They had finally stayed silent.
After a crushing hug, an argument, lots of questions, and some half-assed answers (from both sides), they were finally quiet.
Patty felt at peace. And it didn’t seem to be the silence causing it, but rather the warm body next to her own. Maybe the sense of normality its presence gave her. To sit down on a porch and have a smoke next to Allison. Even if they weren’t sitting down but standing up, not on a porch but against the side of Allison’s used car, and even if Patty’s cigarette remained unlit as she toyed with it between her fingers.
So yeah, maybe it was just Allison.
Patty had found her.
Nick was dead.
Kevin was in prison, in a more surprising turn of events.
Patty patted her pockets in search of a lighter and didn’t even have time to protest having seemingly lost the one she bought last-fucking-week when Allison offered her a light.
“Here…”
She reached past Patty’s open palm and rolled the little metal wheel until the flame ignited, carefully approaching a pair of dark, red lips. Her eyes seemed so focused on the task that Patty allowed herself to watch Allison, not taking into account that such a burning gaze could draw (and did draw) attention.
The moment Allison met Patty’s eyes her hand began to shake and, with it, the little fire.
Patty, daring her not to look away, held her steady by the wrist.
She felt the pulse of a dead woman.
If she smirked while she sucked on the cigarette, inhaling until the tip burnt, it wasn’t so much because of those green eyes that helplessly set on her mouth, as it was because Allison McRoberts née Devine was very much alive. And looked it.
Patty stepped to the right and rested her body against the back door of the car, sizing up the awfully dyed brunette standing next to her.
“That’s my lighter.”
“Oh, c’mon, these things are like a dollar.”
“I’m not complaining. Just sayin’ you don’t smoke.”
Allison snatched the menthol from Patty’s lips, two fingers an inch away from her mouth, and took a long, self-satisfied drag.
Patty waited for a cough that never came.
“I learned,” Allison replied, blowing the smoke out through a cheeky crooked smile. She sounded so proud of herself that Patty had to roll her eyes.
“Good job, Barbie.” The words failed to come out with the intended amount of sarcastic bite to them so, if Allison blushed slightly, Patty couldn’t blame her. She just took the cigarette back, letting the pads of her fingers graze the back of Allison’s hand as they chased the burning menthol. “Now stop smoking. It’s bad for you.”
“Yeah, no shit.”
Allison swore like she was waiting for another sign of Patty’s approval. Unwilling to give her that satisfaction just yet, Patty offered her a brief look and inhaled deeply, refusing to say anything else out loud.
“It’s not like I need it or anything,” Allison shrugged when the silence went on for too long. “Not now, at least.”
“Words no nicotine addict has ever said.”
“I mean it. I just missed the smell.” She leaned on her side and let her eyes dart down Patty's form and back up. “But if you're here–”
“You coming home?” Patty cut her off. “Now that it's…”
She couldn't bring herself to finish that sentence. Had no idea how to try.
Normal? Things weren't fucking normal. They probably never would be.
Safe? As if that was all that mattered? As if that alone could tip the scale for a newly free Allison?
Possible? So Allison could tell, a foot or seventy-four miles apart, that Patty was silently begging her to stay with her?
All Patty knew was that she had to burst the bubble before it kept swelling with glossy and frail hope.
She ventured a subtle glance in Allison's direction and, out of the corner of her eye, caught her swallowing nervously.
“Not yet.”
Patty's shoulders slumped before Allison continued.
“Maybe soon… Eventually,” she sighed, and it sounded almost hopeful. “But I wanna see some more places first. Drive my car, go anywhere I want for the first time in my life.”
“Sounds kinda lonely.”
“I'm hoping it's not.” The pointed look Allison sent her made Patty look down. “I guess I'm saying I don't want it to be...”
Patty kept her eyes on the burning cigarette between her fingers, as the ashes crumbled down to the ground, and stayed silent.
“You're going back.” There was no trace of a question in Allison's voice and, when she sniffed, Patty averted her eyes as if looking away could stop her from hearing the way that voice wavered. “Aren't you?”
“Yeah.”
“Figured.”
Despite her attempts to seem nonchalant, Patty heard the hints of bitterness bleeding through the word. She wasn't sure who they were directed at.
As soon as Allison crossed her arms in front of her chest, blinking a bit too quickly, Patty nudged her lightly, teasing her ankle with the tip of her boot.
“Eventually,” she clarified, taking another drag of her cigarette. “Maybe soon but… Not yet.”
Allison’s head snapped back up to look at Patty as one of those infuriating little smiles curled up a corner of her lips: that slow, shaky kind of half-baked smile that Allison had when she wasn’t sure whether she was allowed to be happy about something. Patty watched as it tentatively bloomed into a full-sized grin right before her cigarette was taken from her again.
“Enough of that,” Patty began to protest. But after placing a hand on her cheek, Allison closed the gap between them and pressed their lips together.
After the initial gasp of shock, Patty managed to wrap an arm around her waist to keep her close just as Allison broke the kiss. She cradled Patty’s face, letting a thumb softly trace her jaw as that bright grin remained fixed in place.
“Then come with me,” she breathed out. “I don’t care where, just– Just come with me. Anywhere we want… And then we go back home, I promise.”
“Yeah, that’s kinda what I meant by ‘eventually’. I wanna… you know,” Patty added, nodding her head to the side hoping the gesture would translate into ‘be with you’ or ‘spend the rest of our lives together’.
Allison rolled her eyes and let go of Patty’s face. “How expressive.” After throwing the cigarette to the ground, she stepped on it, knowing perfectly well that Patty wasn’t done with it.
“Oh, because you’re just so good at communicating.”
“I just said all those things!”
“Jesus, Allison…”
“What?”
Patty took her by the shoulders and kissed her, hard and deeply. She bit down on her lower lip, as if hoping she could take a piece of Allison with her, committed the taste of her to memory, and pushed her until she pressed Allison’s back against the side of the car, pulling a desperate sound out of her as she did. Allison held on to her like she would fall if she happened to let go and looked stunned when Patty suddenly pulled back.
“I’ve been thinking about you nonstop for months so yeah, getting to see you for a few hours and going somewhere you’re not at doesn’t sound like the best idea right now. Is that more clear to you?”
She was panting, a little flushed. God, she looked gorgeous, Patty thought. Despite the hair. She’d fix that later.
But Allison just tilted her head and narrowed her eyes. “Kinda.”
“Fuck off…”
Patty tried to step back and put some distance between them but Allison pulled on her clothes to bring her closer again, playing with the collar of her button-up.
“Just saying, I could use some more reassurance.”
This time, Patty successfully pushed herself off and breathed out a bitter laugh. “Right… You think I couldn’t?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You never answered my question.”
“What question?” Allison crossed her arms in front of her chest defensively. She knew exactly what Patty was talking about.
“I asked you ‘why’.”
The moment Patty took a step closer, Allison looked up to meet her eyes. “Why what?”
“Why you wanted to stay.”
“For the same reason I wanna go back,” she shrugged.
Patty hated that. She despised the way Allison said things like they were obvious, like she couldn’t get the words out of her mouth but still expected Patty to do the work of piecing the puzzle together.
“I can’t keep guessing, Allison.”
And she was no hypocrite. Or maybe she was, just a little. But Patty hoped the weeks she spent looking for her through all of New England just to say ‘no, I’m not better off, you idiot’ spoke for her. That each and every occasion she had opened her stupid mouth to babble about just how amazing Allison was sufficed.
If Allison asked, Patty would tell her.
She would tell her anything.
She’d even tell her she loved her, and would jump off that bridge with no safety net, with nothing except hope (which was just a polite word for desire) that Allison would catch her.
After a pause that drew heavier with each of their breaths –all that was heard in that silence–, Allison fixed her eyes on Patty’s.
“I wanna be wherever you are.”
And that didn’t sound too different from holding someone as they nosedived into a terrifying truth.
It wasn’t too different from loving them.
“What if I don’t know what that’s gonna be?” Patty mumbled a bit nervously.
Allison only frowned in response.
“What if… I don’t really know where I wanna be? Or what I wanna do? Besides, you know–” she cleared her throat and added, moving a finger between them.
How could Patty possibly explain that, for the first time in her life, she had choices? That she couldn’t even begin to put into words the things she might want for herself, simply because she had never had the chance to consider them possible before? But the soft look in Allison’s eyes told her that she had spent six months trying to figure the same thing out and probably hadn’t finished fishing out the deeper parts of herself from the mess Kevin and her parents had turned her into.
She rubbed Patty’s arms and nodded.
“We’ll figure it out.”
Maybe it would be easier like this.
An answer they had to find alone but could seek together.
With their favorite person.
***
While Allison brushed her hair, Patty reached around her to place her night moisturizer back on the edge of the sink. Right when she was about to step back and leave the bathroom, Allison stopped her with a firm hand on her forearm.
“Wait.”
At the pressure of fingers against skin pulling her closer, Patty followed their lead and wrapped both her arms around Allison’s waist, resting her chin on her shoulder.
“What?” she asked softly.
Allison stayed silent for a moment, just staring at their reflections with the smallest frown on her face.
“I was pretty sure I’d never see you again.”
Patty offered the hints of a smile, not at the mirror but at the side of Allison’s face. “I knew I would,” she shrugged.
“Patricia O’Connor, are you turning into an optimist?”
“What? No, shut up.” Allison chuckled and placed her hands on top of Patty’s just as she lifted her head from Allison’s shoulder, rolling her eyes. “But it’s not like you were actually dead. And I had to come and yell at you over that stupid note you left me.”
Allison winced, not looking a bit sorry. She did look sad, though.
“I missed you,” she croaked out as tears pooled in her eyes.
Patty tightened her hold on Allison. “I’m here,” she said into her ear. She nuzzled her nose against the base of Allison’s throat and added, “I’ve been here, looking for you.” And after dropping a kiss there, causing Allison’s head to fall to the side, she smiled into the smooth skin. “And I’ll be right here, standing next to you, no matter where we are.”
***
Patty placed their bags in the trunk and rounded the car to get in the passenger seat.
“That’s all our stuff.”
She closed the door and wrapped her fingers around the hand that set on her thigh. Allison reached over the stick shift and kissed her briefly.
“Hey.”
Patty let her fingers bury themselves in Allison’s hair and kept them there after they parted. “Hey,” she answered in the softest of tones.
“You ready?”
“Yeah.”
She didn’t know what her life would look like in ten or twenty years. Or in ten weeks, for that matter. But she was ready to figure it out.