Chapter Text
Hello?
Anyone home? Going to wake up anytime soon?
…
Oh.
Good, you’re finally awake. For a moment, I was actually worried about a human! Sincerely glad that feeling is gone. Now, first of all, I would like to formally apologize for hitting your cranium with about 0.5% of my power. Every time I knock out someone, it usually only takes about half an hour for them to recover. Looks like I hit you too hard, and I would like to be formally forgiven for that.
All right. Let us try this whole “greeting” thing again.
Hello there! My name is Filibuster, and I am overjoyed to announce that you, yes you, have been chosen to lead the Cat Army! In a fun, chaotic adventure that will last give or take the rest of your lifespan, you’ll make sure that a group of fun and wacky creatures who barely resemble the cats that you on Earth have gotten used to. And, before you raise any questions, here is a short list of the ones I ABSOLUTELY HATE and honestly should not even be considered for proposing. This list includes the questions “what even are you, “will I ever get to see my parents,” “do I need to pack anything,” “where am I going,” and the worst one yet, “how about you go drink piss NOW.” Listen, if Cat God didn’t want to lead the Battle Cats, he wouldn’t have created this criterion. Look, I’ll even read them to you right now if you so happened to want it.
Oh. You don’t know who Cat God is. That’s disappointing, but I can’t say I’m surprised. Not a single person I’ve recruited, or, should I say my boss, so far has known our great and glorious leader. Maybe I shouldn't have expected too much from this foreign planet. And speaking of foreign, you certainly have many questions right now concerning the unexpected guest into your lovely abode that is yours truly. Of course, I could simply answer it with a few questions, but that is simply not how I, the great Filibuster Cat, operate. Instead, I’ll raise you the offer of this story. No, not even a story. Stories are nonsensical tales of things like “cows” jumping over the moon. Comparing this to those childish tales is the equivalent of comparing me, the all-powerful Filibuster, with the weak and useless Killer Cat. Though I’ve heard that he’s been trying to reform the past couple of weeks. This epic has spent dozens of years under construction. Years upon years of interviewing, personal experience, and simply noting the story to memory have crafted this tale into one I have comfortably felt telling to many people just like you. It’s the story of how a young person just like you, Tim S. Brown, became one of the greatest commanders that the Cat Army had ever seen. Though you may initially struggle to see the morals and lessons laying underneath, like a Driller Cat beneath the ground. This tale may sound ridiculous, almost like a nyankopalooza of events, but trust me: listening to this will pay off in the end.
It was 1 AM, and Hyun-Jung Choe had no idea what to do.
As the president of South Korea for four years, he should've been able to quickly come up with an idea for this threat. Despite his rather..shady solutions to any problem that faced his country, people adored him. After all, numbers never lied, especially the one called an approval rate, which currently measured 71%. In his years of office, he had to deal with some rather odd issues: The unexplainable disappearance of an entire city? Sure. An “Aku Crystal” getting stolen from the national museum's archives? Odd, but workable. The request of a “Doge Army” to defend the city? Strange, certainly. But this issue was the most recent, the weirdest, and the one that posed the most threat to not only the country but more importantly his position in power. He stared at the tuna-covered envelope that had been obtained just a few hours ago. One of the mail people had found this envelope a bit more interesting than the usual job applications and complaints. Smelling strongly of…cat food(?), the letter within said:
OFFICIAL SOUTH KOREA GOVERNMENT LETTER
NAME: kat armey
ADDRESS: cac base
DEPARTMENT OF GOVERNMENT THAT THIS WILL BE SENT TO: pretzel e dent
DATE: november 15, 2012
URGENCY: ae lot
Dear Mr. President,
wii want to take over your country
you arm bad end stinky! we need kat fud end nuke clear power
Sincerely ,
kac armee
Short? Yes. A joke? To the uninitiated, probably. And, at first, he thought so too. But, even after throwing it off his desk, into the garbage can, and missing, he still couldn't sleep. Come to think of it, several government workers had reported the sighting of weird, barely-resembling Cats wandering around the street and whispering in secret. Any rumour of another intelligent species, especially one already smart enough to write letters, declare war, and build a “Cat Base,” had to be responded to, no matter what.
If one were to travel deep into the woods of South Korea, they would see something that is not just a nice, quiet, trail, and wildlife. Well, it would still be quiet. At least, until you step over the fallen trees, and the rotting wood of the boardwalk, and enter the Cat Base. Immediately, any visitor inside the base would have their poor eardrums ruptured by the noise inside. It wasn’t that loud, or at least most of the time. But tonight was a completely different story. As soon as the Cat Army heard that they (yes, them!) were going to be on TV, they immediately stopped working on their projects to start celebrating. Sure, the problem of not being able to move their base was a problem. And maybe the water didn’t work half the time. And yes, all the walls looked like they could disintegrate just from a single touch. But tonight, those issues were set away for a party. The Cat General was at one of the tables, eating yet another can of Cat Food, and talking with another high-ranking cat.
“You signed the contract with Cat God yet?”
“Yup.” The General stopped to eat another bite of his cereal, before swallowing. “Personally, I don’t like the whole concept of abducting someone just to ‘lead’ us. Who even knows what this kid’s gonna even be like? They could just end up blowing up our whole operation and landing us back in jail! Plus, back in my day, when we needed leaders, we looked for them! We didn’t have some God just go and take one!” The other Cat simply sighed and rolled his eyes. The General continued ranting about how life was better in the days when you had to walk up a mountain and back to go to school when another Cat tapped him on the back. The General glared.
“This better be important. Not only am I in the middle of a story that isn’t going to be told to the audience in order to prevent delaying the important parts of the fanfiction, but this tuna is amazing! We had to sell that kimchi we stole in order to fund all of this, you know. Be quick with what you’re going to say.”
“I-I’m sorry to interrupt you in your feast. But it’s almost 7 PM. You know, the time when the president’s going to talk about us. On live TV!”
The General comically spat out his cereal. “Seems like time really does fly when you have fun! Get the TV ready. I’ll alert the rest of the Cat Army.”
Running as fast as his two, triangle legs could take him, the General climbed up the book staircase and grabbed the microphone.
“ATTENTION. CAT ARMY. NEWS ABOUT US IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW ON LIVE TV. GET TO THE MAIN TV ROOM, AND PLEASE AVOID CAUSING YET ANOTHER CROWD CRUSH LIKE LAST TIME. WE WOULD PREFERABLY LIKE TO NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO THE AUTHORITIES WHAT A ‘BATTLE CAT’ IS AGAIN.” And, with that, the announcement was done. Ignoring the stampede that was going on upstairs as all the Cats rushed downwards, as well as the hundreds of grumbles about Cats not being able to cause a crowd crush, he rushed down the stairs and into the TV room. A couple of low-class Cats had it turned on, the remote safely hidden away, and the volume up.
“Got it working?”
A Cat gave a thumbs-up.
“Alright. Now, turn up the volume, set the channel to 22, and most importantly, everybody shut up.”
The screen flashed from channel to channel, from an Italian speeding through a warzone, armed with a shotgun, to a portly man in a red suit declaring he was going to “piss on the moon,” whatever that meant, to a respectable-looking person on a news channel.
“...it still currently remains unknown as to any whereabouts of the Aku Crystal. Anyone with clues is highly encouraged to contact the police immediately if they have any new information.”
The reporter took a breath and stepped aside.
“Today, I have been informed that President Choe is to deliver a speech today, in replacement for our normal 7PM traffic alerts.”
The audience clapped as another man, as well-dressed as the last, stepped on.
“Good evening, South Korea.”Amongst our country’s recent issues; wars, financial crises, and terrorism, a brand new threat appears to endanger all of us: The Battle Cats.”
The Cat Army cheered.
“He did it! He said the thing!,” cried one of the younger Cats.
“You may be at a loss for words as to how any type of Cats could even be a national threat, much less ones that battle. Well, take no joke to these cats.”
A visual appeared onscreen. It was an artist's depiction of a Battle Cat, which could best be described as the vomit that leaves your mouth soon after seeing a pizza with strawberries and caramel, holding two large guns. It was, to say the least, inaccurate.
“These Cats, based on reports developed by the government, are composed of a large army. Small, yet powerful in numbers, our country will be powerless if we do not act now. Much like how Cats have invaded our internet networks, these cats can, and most certainly will, invade the world. A man who claimed to be the “creator” of the Battle Cats was asked in a secure government centre, and when questioned, gave up detailed information. For example, these Cats were weapons developed by him, and when further asked as to why they were Cats, he simply responded “Because I like Cats.” Despite this, none of you should be worried. The government, in addition to beefing up our security, has hired an elite army, similar to the Cats but working on the side of Korea, known only as the “Doge Army.” “
The President paused, presumably for dramatic effect.
“Mark my words. We will win, and defeat this plague upon our land. The Cat Army shall fall, and onto their knees. Thank you for your attention.”
And with that, the President left.
A sound couldn’t be heard inside the room. All of the Cats were still and quiet.
“Hey, are we doomed?” nervously whispered one of the higher rank Cats.
The General sighed and nodded his head.
“Yes, we might.”
It had been hours since the broadcast, and Hyun-Jung was still thinking. Sure, he had to exaggerate a little bit and make up the whole thing about the random guy interviewed to just raise the stakes a little. Overall, his speech was pretty good. Floods of people online were supportive of the country, and advisors had told him that his approval rates had never been higher. But, as he laid on his bed, head in his pillow, he only had one thought floating around in his mind before he finally drifted off to sleep:
Are the Battle Cats really so bad, after all?
Tim S. Brown’s day was going pretty well. He’d gotten a decent mark on a test (C-), drawn a little, and even actually remembered to pay attention in school! Not to mention that the weather was nice. Perfect for staying home and spreading misinformation online. That is, until he got hit by a go-kart.
Look, in his defence, normally go-karts weren’t supposed to go on the streets. To his knowledge, go-karts also probably weren’t supposed to go at speeds that blew the speed of sound out of the water. Just half an hour ago (at least, according to his now-shattered watch), he was walking down the street. Now? His head hurt, he probably didn’t have a spine anymore, and now he was floating in a dark void. Excellent! Sure, the whole “dark void” thing looked ominous, but it was probably just a practical joke by his friends. Right?
…right?
Well, he was probably stuck here for the rest of his life, so why not just mess around in the void? First, he turned on his phone. Still had a bit of power, which was nice, but no connection. That threw a wrench into his plans for calling someone to get out. Next, he tried moving. The space was like water, completely devoid of any gravity. If there was something in the void, Tim sure as hell couldn’t reach it. Guess that’s what he deserved for not taking those swimming lessons back when he was five.
A light tap interrupted him. “Hey. Gonna, like uh, notice the God next to you?”
The speaker moved or rather floated into Tim’s view. It was a man with a Renaissance sculpture-styled body, wearing nothing but a loincloth. Seemingly unconcerned with the void, the man turned around with jazz hands. His face was pure white, with dots for eyes and blue hair floating around.
“Holy amogus!”
The strange man stared. “Let me get this straight. I teleport you to a void, and the first thing you say upon seeing me, the All-Powerful Creator of This Dimension And The Next, is holy amogus. Wow. You are one strange person. “
“Well. Normally, what any god would do in this situation would be to devote, say, two pages of this story in order to answer all of your questions, and also to give the reader an explanation of the rules and logic that’s set up in this universe. But, you know what? That’s. Lame. Such a big turn-off to the readers. Literally nobody’s gonna read this. But, more importantly, not giving the protagonist, meaning, you, any information at all about where you’re going is highly comedic!”
“What.”
The man turned. “Oh. I was talking to myself. Alright. Here’s what’s going to happen. In a few seconds, you’re going to be able to get out of the void and land somewhere close to the Cat Base. Inside is a book. That’ll cover about 99% of the questions you probably have. Don’t remember who, but someone really famous once said that experience doesn’t come from a teacher, but from real-life experiences. Or however it went. Oh! And I just realised I forgot to give you my name.”
“I never asked for-”
“Shut. My name’s Cat God, and I’m your host for today’s adventure! What is it about, you may ask? Well, have fun finding out, because I’m not telling you!”
Tim opened his mouth to protest, but couldn’t. Partly because he didn’t want to speak against God himself, but also partly because his mouth was stuffed. With…bones?
He spat the bones out and looked around. Instead of a dark void, it was…a burial ground. From what he could see with support from the weak fluorescent lighting, it was a small mix of a graveyard, and partially a research lab. Neon signs shone through the darkness, some showing the way out in the event of a fire, and others, clearly not meant to be read by the general public, described what exactly created the bones that surrounded Tim. At least, that’s what he got the general gist of, from the sign right next to him.
“OS Graveyard….there aren’t any operating systems here, that’s for sure.”
That weird guy from earlier, the “Cat God,” had told him that he would land somewhere near the “Cat Base.” So Tim, with his limited brainpower, realized something: getting out of this facility would mean he’d find the Cat Base, and that would lead to the book that would tell him everything he needed to know! Crazy!
He started running to the glowing EXIT sign. The next room contained multiple testing tubes, containing weird objects that he’d never seen before. The first one had a futuristic, white and green machine.
EMPTY CYBERPUNK VEHICLE
Object was recovered after a fight in the test base “Primitive Souls.” Interior seems highly advanced, and its beams seem to have special properties that reduce the movement of any object that comes within contact. Groups of these have proven to be highly deadly, as shown in fights such as “Puffer Planet” and “An Ancient Curse.” Currently unable to reverse engineer.
Keep locked up unless doing tests.
That sounded pretty important, but for now, he didn’t care about anything except for getting out of here. The less time spent, the better.
Somewhere in space, an alien creature was sitting on a chair, watching Tim’s situation unfold on a small computer.
“Good. His first trial will begin in just a few moments from now. Let us observe how well he does in the face of danger.”
Just a few steps away from the doorway, he noticed something. A much bigger tank, with multiple glowing signs, as well as a small box. Well, it couldn’t hurt to check out another tube, right? First, the obligatory sign-reading.
“Bun-Bun”
White, large, creature of an unidentified species. Delivers rapid-fire punches to any opponents. Seems to take more damage from contact with metal objects.
DO NOT LET OUT. The pressing of a button near it will disturb its slumber, and wake it up. DO NOT PRESS THE BUTTON, EVER.
In case of emergency, a shotgun has been placed by the staff to deal with it.
Tim scoffed. Who in the world would be dumb enough to press a button, right there in plain sight, that releases an animal strong enough to need a shotgun in case of emergency to deal with it? He turned around to go walk out…
and tripped over a cable. Man, he was so good at this kind of stuff!
Unluckily for him, the button to release the “Bun Bun” had been placed right where his head was currently laying on.
Oh. That’s who would be dumb enough to press the button.
With bursts of steam, the tube opened up. The Bun Bun stared at him with a gaze that struck him to his bones. It couldn’t speak to his knowledge, but he knew what it would say if it could speak. I will beat you to death. And not in a good way.
A loud voice interrupted the Bun Bun’s thoughts. “Hey, bozo!”
It whipped its head around. Standing right in front of it was Tim, wielding the shotgun. “Check this out!”
With a bang, a bullet, and a loud yelp of pain, the chase was on.
Tim raced through the lab at a speed that he’d never gone before, about six kilometres per hour. Turning and zipping through ridiculously complicated room layouts, he knew that he wasn’t getting home if he died in this place. Just behind him was the Bun-Bun. Any obstacle it met, it just punched through at impressive speeds. Sure, there were a lot of cool things in this graveyard, like a staff, gold, and meteorites, but those would have to wait for the next time he visited OS Graveyard. Which, hopefully, was never. Snapping back to reality, he saw something shining through the next doorway. Sunlight! He’d never been so happy before to go outside.
With a burst of energy, he jumped outside, found the keypad, and spammed some buttons, hoping that it would work, and the Bun Bun would get trapped. It didn’t. There was still the shotgun, though. With only two bullets left, he turned to the Bun Bun, smiled, and fired both shots.
Into the grass, twenty metres away.
Well. It looked like that would be the end of Tim S. Brown. One step onto the grass, a punch, and Tim would go from a living, breathing person to an oddly-red puddle. But the Bun Bun never got anywhere more than the first step. With a singular step onto the field, and into the sun, it began howling in pain. Clearly, it had never gone outside, to where the first rays of sunlight hitting its eyes were enough to end its demise.
With a final gasp, its life ended, and Tim was left standing on a plain, all alone. With….a base? That had a head shaped like a Cat? At least, that’s what he thought. The door, though, was left right open. He was going to knock beforehand, but looks like he didn’t have to now! Might as well step inside.
He went inside, and saw…cats. No, these weren’t cats. They were rotund, pure white, creatures, with cartoonish eyes and mouths. Some were sleeping, while others were scratching furniture. A group of Cats lay in the middle, playing cards, while others had noticed him entering the building. One Cat in particular, with a hat and a mug in its hands, ran up to him.
“A person! Looks like Cat God did deliver after all!”
Before Tim could react, the dressed Cat pushed him into a closet.
"I know this sounds weird, but stay inside this closet for a while. I don't want anyone freaking out right now by your arrival, and nobody in the base aside from me and a few coworkers know about you. Inside the closet a book describing all you need to know. While you go read, I'll be off telling every single Cat in the building about your arrival. Don't worry about taking too long, by the way. Have all the time you need.”
The Cat walked away and closed the closet. It was nice but pretty small. Laying on the floor was a dusty, thick book. Tim picked it up and read the cover.
“The UDP, eh?"
Unit Description Publication - Page 1004
Stage Name: OS Graveyard
Location: IT Catacombs
Difficulty: 8
Though one of the first places you visit, OS Graveyard is a highly difficult stage compared to most of the other stages in the Legend Stages. The location itself is not a stereotypical graveyard but is also mixed in with a research laboratory possibly related to the Relics. This laboratory is filled with multiple devices, clones, and otherwise harmful objects that can and will impact your attempt to reach the end of this level, so any contact with anything that might look suspicious is highly not recommended.
The stage consists of a Professor A at the start of the level, followed quickly by a Bun Bun Black. After you have progressed about to the halfway point, a Bun Bun will break out of a tank and attack you as well. Due to a heavy lack of peons, the main concern with this stage is a steady cash flow to fend off attacks. For this reason, combos for Starting Money are helpful to have.
Units that will help here include basic meatshields, Roe Cat, Bombercat, Necro-Dancer Cat, and Cyberpunk Cat. Most Ubers here will do more harm than good due to their price, so avoid bringing them.