Work Text:
I want to go home. Thought Elrond as he looked up at the light of the Silmaril that night.
He didn’t look at it often these days, only when the feeling of being utterly alien to everything around him got too strong. The light felt familiar. It felt like part of himself. It felt like reaching out to him.
Elrond had found a rather logical explanation for that feeling by now. He had only ever seen that light right underneath the face of his mother - that was his only association with it so it would only make sense that it feels almost like a soft touch. That would explain as well why he sometimes found Maglor looking up at the star in a similar way. Not Maedhros though. Probably because he had seen the jewels not only in the hands of his father.
His logic and reasoning didn’t make the feeling go away though, it didn’t stop him from looking up and talking to amya¹ sometimes and at this point he had given up fighting it. The feeling of familiarity was so rare and there was no harm in indulging in it.
Elrond hated how guilty his thought of the Havens as home had immediately made him feel. Gil-Estel² looked down at him as if scolding.
“This isn’t home, my love.” his mother had told him time and time again and had told him of the beauty of Doriath instead. His father didn’t have the heart to say such things to his sons, so small still, when they had called the Havens home. He had told them of Gondolin in the same way their mother talked about Menegroth though - with a smile Elrond only now realized was sad and with tales that Elrond only now realized couldn’t all have been true. Maybe his parents had made up some parts of the stories so they would be more thrilling for him and Elros. More probably the stories were simply that way because they were memories tinged with the imagination of young children.
Elrond had never understood why both his parents were not able to see the Havens as home, when they both had lost their homes so early and had lived the greater part of their lives in the Havens. He understood now. He wanted to go home. There was no home.
There was the guilt again. He wanted to shout up at his mother for not having allowed him to fully feel home at the only home they had. What good were the mere memories and ruins of both Menegroth and Gondolin - their glorious homes?
He didn’t shout. The inner court of Amon Ereb he was standing in was visible from their bedroom window and he didn’t need his brother telling him to stop being childish and stop shouting, screaming and crying at a star again. “You know it can only be a Maia up there, carrying amya’s jewel across the sky.” He would say, trying to sound resolute and cold and usually he would stop there. Only if angry, Elros would go on, would try to hide his tears and add “They’re gone, Elrond, stop embarrassing yourself, you know neither of them could fly through the Ocean up there and even if they could - wouldn’t they have come to get us by now then?” Elrond knew, of course, he wasn’t a child anymore. Yet he couldn’t help but look up at Gil-Estel whenever he felt lost or needed help or when he missed amya.
“Gil-Estel” what a stupid name anyways. Everyone at the fortress avoided looking at the thing if possible. Elros was the same as everyone in Amon Ereb in that regard, bowing his head as if he couldn’t look the star in the eye. Maglor looked up sometimes, when he thought he was alone but besides him Elrond was the only one and he could rarely say it inspired anything like “High Hope” within him. No, mostly homesickness.
He wanted to go home. There was no home. Nothing but ruins. “We’ll build our own home.” Elros said sometimes and he would start talking about how he would have a beautiful town square built and a big port so there could be ships just like back at the Havens. Elrond thought it was was unfair. Why did he have to build his own when others simply had one. He didn’t want to have the burden of building something new, he wanted something to go back to. There was nothing to go back to.
“You’ll freeze out here.”
He started and turned around to see Maglor standing a few steps behind him, close to the door that led inside, his breath visible in the cold night air. Elrond turned back around and quickly went over his face with his sleeve, only now being aware of how teary-eyed he was. Maglor came closer and stood beside him wordlessly staring up at the light as well for a few moments. He may have said something under his breath, but Elrond wasn’t sure. It could have also been the faint music coming from somewhere in the fortress. Another moment and Maglor turned his face away from the sky, back down towards Elrond and let out a casual sigh.
“Come on it’s cold.” He said and lead Elrond inside.
Elros was laying on the bed, looking at some maps and chewing on some cheese when Elrond entered his room. They both had their own rooms – if Amon Ereb had one thing then it was rooms to spare - but Elros only went to his own room to sleep, often not even that.
“You’ll get crumbs all over my bed.”
Elros ignored his twin’s accusation completely.
“You’ve been staring up at the stupid jewel again.”
Elrond ignored his brother’s words in turn. They also sounded like an accusation, but Elrond recognized this as Elros’ attempt at getting him to speak what’s on his mind. He stayed silent nonetheless, awkwardly trying to kick off his boots. Elros tried again.
“Don’t act all solemn and thoughtful again, I-“
“It’s all that’s left.”
Elros looked back at his brother who had just interrupted him.
“The stupid jewel is all that’s left besides ruins.” Elrond repeated and felt stupid for not being able to stop his voice from shaking. He sat on the edge of the bed and stubbornly wiped at his face trying not to let the tears fall this time. Elros was silent for a short while. Then he shoved the maps to the side to awkwardly sit next to his brother.
“I mean…ruins and us. We’re what’s left.” Elros said quietly. Elrond stayed silent.
“And we will build something new when-“
“Not this again, Elros, we’ve never even been to Gondolin or Doriath!” Elrond surprised himself with how loud he had gotten all of a sudden but he didn’t stop, even when he was now crying in earnest.
“We didn’t even exist yet when both of them disappeared forever, Eru, how can you be so arrogant and keep saying we would ever build something even close to that! We’ve never seen it! Our- Atya’s and Amya’s childhood memories is all we’ve got how- how could we ever build anything that’s- that’s not just a- stupid mockery- we-“ Elrond let out a frustrated sigh and buried his face in his hands. He kept crying when he felt his brother's arms around him.
“If we’re what’s left-“ he managed to say between miserable sobs “- we’re utterly useless.”
He kept crying and hated how long his brother stayed silent. He wanted Elros to prove him wrong, but of course he couldn’t. Of course he knew-
“We’re not useless. If anything, the ruins and the stupid star are.” Elros said at last. It was a weak attempt, thought Elrond.
“If it’s only ruins, that light up there, and us left- well, we’re the only ones who can still do something, hm?” Elrond’s crying slowly subsided while his brother kept speaking.
“We- we won’t rebuild Gondolin. And Menegroth neither. I don’t think we have to and we sure can’t anyways.” Elros tried to look at his brother who still hid his face.
“I mean, if you could simply rebuild them, then they couldn’t have been as great as amya and atya always said.”Elrond let out somewhat of a half laugh, half sob and let his hands fall from his face as he gave up crying.
“There he is!” Elros exclaimed triumphantly, then added with a grimace “And you really need to wash your face.”
He shoved Elrond off the bed to the little basin. Elrond reluctantly complied. He wanted to give Elros the satisfaction of having made him feel better though it had been more the good cry than his brother’s clumsy words that had made Elrond calm down.
“You don’t have to build a whole kingdom, idiot.” Elros said in a light tone while Elrond enjoyed the sensation of cold water on his face.
Elrond knew that. He didn’t want a kingdom anyways. A home would be enough. But how would he even start creating something he had never really known himself?
“I on the other hand-” Elros added with a laugh and started going into his ramblings about the perfect city? kingdom? home? - he didn’t seem too clear on that yet but it would surely be grand and glorious.
That’s a lot to defend and lose, Elrond thought when Elros rambling went into the palaces and high towers he would build. Kingdoms, cities, homes…
I would start with a house, maybe, Elrond thought. Just a house.