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Forti Animo Estote is the motto of Gryffindor. Be of Good Courage it commands and Peter tried, he really did… but courage only goes so far.
* * * * *
Peter Pettigrew had barely set foot into Hogwarts before the very worst thing that could happen to him did.
He was a hatstall.
You'd do best in Ravenclaw, the Sorting Hat insisted. You love puzzles and learning and quiet hours spent in the library. You value intelligence above all else, why can't you see Gryffindor is too-- Gryffindor for someone like you to ever be happy there?
Peter, who'd had a horrible run-in with a gaggle of vicious third-year Ravenclaws girls on the train, was not having it.
Children are cruel no matter what house they're in, pointed out the Hat. You'll find just as many bullies in Gryffindor, if not more. If you're so set against Ravenclaw, why not Hufflepu-- it's not the 'soft' house, I don't know why you all keep thinking that.
Put me in Gryffindor or send me home, thought Peter. I'm smart, I can fit in if I try, I know I can. What he didn't think (at least not as loud) was he'd be safe there because Gryffindors loved playing the hero-- if things went badly Hufflepuffs would comfort him, but Gryffindors would defend him.
Slytherin never even crossed his mind.
You're clever but stubborn, somewhat cunning but impulsive, all topped with a bit of a temper and a lack of ambition. You're willing to face suffering in the wrong House for seven years because of one bad experience and you think you're smarter than someone who's been doing this for centuries-- you know what, fine. I expect an apology when you come in for a resort later.
"GRYFFINDOR!"
* * * * *
Peter doesn't expect to make friends right away, the Hat was right about Gryffindors being very very Gryffindor, but he does almost immediately after he sits down at the table.
He's never quite sure what Remus sees in him, because Peter very obviously, very painfully doesn't fit in at first, but they just click in a way he'd only expected other Ravenclaws would do. They both love books and learning new things and the quiet safe places where you can just be.
But Remus also loves James and Sirius, who are loud and boisterous and bossy (so incredibly bossy) and drag them along on adventures whether they want to come or not. Peter does have fun but it's a scary sort of fun, like roller coasters or shoplifting, and when Peter's scared he's a little bit… snippy.
Sometimes his jokes are a little too sharp, and sometimes his pranks are a little too mean, and when his animagus form is a rat-- Sirius laughs bright and delighted because out of all of them Peter's got the best form for revenge.
(Peter had thought it was the best form for escape and always wondered afterwards if Sirius wasn't meant to be in Slytherin.)
* * * * *
Being a Gryffindor, Peter quickly learns, really isn't that hard.
It's easy as pie to step up to defend others knowing he has three friends to back him up. (And doubly so to make sure he only does it when they are around, because they almost always are.)
Learning to embrace the anger that comes with fear and use it as a weapon instead of a weakness takes a little bit longer, but he's determined to prove the Hat wrong.
"Courage," McGonagall lectures proudly, "is being afraid but doing the right thing anyway."
Smothering the Ravenclaw ego stings, but he tries his best not to raise his hand too often and to turn in his homework with a few questions wrong. He's average, or just below, right where a Gryffindor should be. (He'll never admit, even when he's at his lowest, how he quickly discovered he wasn't as smart compared to the other kids as he'd thought he'd be.)
It's barely an effort to be bold and loud, eating as much as he wants without shame, cheering for quidditch and rough-housing in hallways, knowing he'd be lost in the chorus of even bolder and even louder people around him.
He's the perfect Gryffindor and for the first time in his life it's surprisingly easy to have friends.
* * * * *
When he comes home for Christmas dressed in reds and golds, his Mam gives him a hug and says "Oh, Petey" in a way that lets him know she understands everything he'd hoped she wouldn't.
Tad just frowns, confused, but spends the day helping Peter transfigure his room from blue to red and never brings it up again. (Peter lets out the breath he's been holding, because Tad's always said whatever makes his boy happy is fine by him, but Peter's never really tested that before.)
* * * * *
The war with the Dark Lord's been on for years now, if it can be called a war-- a slow steady march of terrorist attacks that sometimes target muggles and sometimes wizards. No one talks about it at Hogwarts, as if ignoring things will make it go away, and Peter very carefully never voices an opinion.
Towards the end of their time at Hogwarts, when the first whispers start circling the school that the time to choose sides might be coming soon, he makes it very clear (where his friends can't hear him) that the only team he's on is his own.
Unfortunately his team includes James and Sirius who are all too ready to start dueling in hallways and Remus who would be devastatingly easy to blackmail if his secret ever came out. It takes all of Peter's cunning (and most of the time he should have been studying) to keep them alive and unharmed all the way through graduation.
(The moment he decides there are more important things in life than learning, the last bit of Ravenclaw in him finally dies.)
* * * * *
The problem is: Lucius isn't an idiot.
Peter desperately wishes he was because the man's a master of social manipulation who'd spent all seven years at Hogwarts building up a network so vast Peter doubts some of them even know who they owe favors to. Just because he's graduated doesn't mean he's gone.
What Lucius wants, he normally gets and what he wants is an 'in' with the Order.
Where Peter's tried to stay low and out of the way to remain neutral, Lucius has worked to make sure both sides owe him enough (in one way or another) to leave his family alone. The Malfoys aren't as powerful as they once were and Lucius aims to restore them to their former political and social glory, Dark Lord or no.
The problem is, no one knows who's in the Order. The shadow organization fights back against the Dark Lord where the government can't (or won't) but there's zero doubt that most of them are probably Gryffindors. (Peter has a feeling there's likely more than one Hufflepuff involved but he keeps that to himself.)
Out of all the Gryffindors in their year, Sirius is the one most likely to find them after graduation (if only to get help murdering his cousin, which he vows to do every other Tuesday). And out of the four of them, Peter's the obvious weak link-- because he's the only one who's noticed what Lucius was doing their first three years.
* * * * *
It's polite blackmail, as blackmail goes, and carefully tailored to provide both a carrot and a stick. Lucius doesn't ask for much, just that Peter will be his voice in those secret conversations (if he's ever privy to them) and that he'll reinforce to his friends how neutral the Malfoys are. Lucius doesn't even demand an immediate answer, but lets him stew on the decision for weeks.
In the end, there's really no choice at all-- if he refuses, Remus is next and they both know he's much too Gryffindor to handle blackmail quietly. So Peter nods when Lucius quirks an eyebrow at him as they pass in Hogsmeade and that's all that's needed.
It seemed a safe bargain, because Peter is quite firmly Not Getting Involved… right up until James gets them all inducted into the Order.
* * * * *
Sirius is overjoyed, Remus is concerned, James is enthusiastic, and Lily is-- Lily is not sure this is the best idea. But Dumbledore is there to soothe their worries (while still reminding them of the Grave Danger) and explain that not everyone has a combat role to play. He also offers, if they choose not to accept, to obliviate the memory of the meeting and let them go on about their normal lives.
He looks at Peter when he says it.
For one long moment Peter thinks about it. Thinks about embracing the chance to ignore the war for a little bit longer-- but it would mean letting his friends fight by themselves. Because Lily would go where James went (just tempering the journey with a little common sense) and Remus would follow wherever Sirius and James led him.
School was over.
There's no need to pretend to be a Gryffindor, not anymore.
He does it anyway.
* * * * *
Peter did as few missions as he could for the Order, choosing to focus instead on creating safe houses, backup plans, and charms to keep them all hidden and safe. There was nothing in his agreement with Lucius that forbade him from fighting-- just the very solid knowledge that he'd last less than a heartbeat into a duel.
He did still go out now and again, when they needed small (safe) errands done. Which is how he ends up alone just after midnight, planting listening charms in Knockturn Alley when the Death Eater's finally catch him.
Alone and unprepared even with all of his meticulous planning-- planning that failed to account for how just much Severus hated the four of them. (Always four, never five, even if Lily made it clear whose side she was on.)
* * * * *
In another life, where Lucius didn't already have him in play, Peter might have died in that alleyway and some days he wishes he had.
Instead he meets the Dark Lord and isn't given any choices at all.
* * * * *
His planning gets a bit… frantic after that.
* * * * *
The Dark Lord never asks what protections they have, only where they'll be, and none of the Death Eaters ever speak up, so Peter does what he can to thwart any advantage he gives them. He tries to avoid hearing details of the Order's missions (when he can) and bulks up their stashes of emergency portkeys and charms.
There are whispers in the Order of a spy in their midst when they run into the Death Eaters again and again-- but Peter's armored them well enough that it's more frustrating than fatal. At least at first.
It seems ridiculous not to suspect him, so Peter waits to be caught by one side or the other. Some of his counters aren't subtle and someone is bound to notice he's the common thread… but the months go by and everyone seems oblivious.
(They even begin to suspect Remus, which he does his best to quash, the wolf's not even there half the time. Sirius is a much more plausible traitor with the Black madness dancing in his veins, but they all just laugh when he points that out.)
Lucius and Severus rarely go out in the field themselves (Peter's capture was a rare exception) and seem indifferent to their colleagues' failures. Peter musters the courage to apologize to Severus for his bullying (when no one's watching) and does small favors for both of them so when things do go wrong he'll have two people on his side instead of one. He's not sure either of them notices.
Dumbledore and the Marauders are too distracted with babies and the Dark Lord's slow corruption of the government to notice, even Mad Eye looks right past the subtle hints that are all the Dark Lord's magic allows.
By the time it all comes crashing down around them he's furious at everyone involved.
* * * * *
Peter betrays the Potters by accident the first time.
He mentions Harry in passing during a report on the most recent Order meeting, a throwaway comment about the baby disrupting the conversation. He realizes his mistake immediately as the Dark Lord ignores everything else he's said (including some important news about planned counter-offenses) to demand more information about the child.
Which makes no sense, Severus's brought up the Longbottom's boy before (several times in fact) and the Potters are hardly the only daft people bringing children into a warzone. Thankfully Peter knows very little about Harry or which of his safehouses they might be hiding in.
As Peter's dismissed, Severus gives him the sort of glare that promises him pain beyond measure, but Peter's already frantically thinking of why on earth the Dark Lord would care… and ways to protect them.
* * * * *
The last thing Peter wants to be is the secret-keeper, but Sirius is panicked and insistent and Remus isn't there to talk him down so James and Lily give in. After all, Peter's the one who came up with the idea of using the Fidelius Charm on people instead of a place and he's the one that's kept them all safe this far.
He tells them it's a bad idea, that they should pick someone else, anyone else, but they insist they don't trust anyone else. He realizes with a creeping dread that if they trust him more than Dumbledore, there's nothing else he can say. (Nothing else the Dark Lord's magic will let him say.)
So he helps them complete the charm, but then layers the house with every protection he can knowing they won't be enough.
And he's furiously, incandescently mad at Sirius.
* * * * *
The second time he betrays the Potters, it's not an accident.
Sirius is horrible with secrets and worse with pretending to have secrets, so the fact that Sirius is a secret keeper for something is common knowledge almost immediately. That the Potter's are hiding behind a Fidelius Charm is easy to figure out, since they've very obviously vanished.
Even with his growing madness, the Dark Lord is capable of putting two and two together and getting four. Severus, who is the only weak link, also believes Sirius is the secret-keeper and Peter allows himself a brief spark of hope-- right up until the point Peter's alone with the Dark Lord and finds himself on the floor screaming as his mind is torn apart.
He holds out as long as he can, but he doesn't want to die, even if it means someone else will.
Even if it means James and Lily and Harry will.
Even if Remus will never forgive him.
* * * * *
Sirius would have died and Peter will kill him for that.
* * * * *
When the pain finally stops and Peter's left alone in the dark he wonders if maybe he should have chosen Ravenclaw after all.
* * * * *
The Potters are dead.
The Dark Lord is dead.
When Sirius shows up fully of righteous fury he's not expecting Peter to fight back.
Their fight levels half a city block, kills muggles neither of them noticed were there, and sends Peter tumbling down into the sewer as a rat, half-dead, missing a finger, and severely concussed.
* * * * *
Peter remembers nothing of the next few weeks-- animagus forms aren't true wereforms but much like Remus's wolf, the rat is strong enough to keep them both alive.
When he does float back into consciousness one of the first things Peter sees is a newspaper article about his death. For a moment he wants to go home, to hug Mam and Tad and pretend all of this never happened… only to read a little further down the page and find out that Severus and Lucius are both very much alive and not in Azkaban.
He lets the rat take over after that.
* * * * *
He's never sure how he ends up with the Weasleys, but they care for him far better than he deserves and the rat is a fat and happy murmur in the back of his mind every time he drifts awake. He rarely stays in charge for long, what's the point?
Peter Pettigrew is dead and buried, like he should be.
* * * * *
As the years faded away, so did Peter… until all that was left was a faint sense of something that sparked from time to time and unsettled the rat.
* * * * *
Then Peter was suddenly himself again, what little was left, facing down people he'd once called friends, and all he could think was 'Oh.'