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Geto Suguru thinks he shouldn't be allowed to live.
Which sounds silly when he hears anybody else say it, because why the hell would anyone have to work to simply be allowed to exist?
But ever since he left that goddamn village, took those two girls out of that cage and forced himself to plaster on a friendly face while lying to the villagers “yes I'm taking them back to have them executed, yes I'll be sure they aren't breathing, yes there's nothing to worry about anymore”.
Of course none of those words weren't true, he made sure to reassure the two little girls the moment they were out of earshot from the villagers, telling them that they would never be harmed as long as he had a say in it.
They of course had a hard time believing him, but that's something he expected, but when they reached jujutsu tech safely and eventually handed them to a trusted adult sorcerer that would be their new guardian and be teaching them how to keep their cursed energy under control, they soon looked at him with some sort of admiration in their eyes, thanking him continuously and refusing to leave with their new guardian until he pinky promised the two that he would visit at least once a month or when he wasn't busy to check up on them.
He was of course more than happy to, and it would as well ease his own worries on making sure their guardian would be treating them right.
Everything went smoothly, and he should be happy about the whole mission.
But he is not.
Because this mission could have gone in an entirely different direction, Geto Suguru almost committed mass murder that night, in that goddamn village.
Every single second that passed that he was inside that village, every word he spoke to the sick and twisted child abuser elders in there, he could feel his hand twitch at his side, spiking with cursed energy before rapidly depleting the moment he caught himself before spiking all over again.
He kept thinking about Riko lying in front of him, to the cultists cheering about a kid's death, to the villager right in front of his fucking face, looking at the two girls like they were vermin.
And that was where he almost let himself go, because every single one of them were scum and those girls should have never had to think that they needed to fight for the right to exist.
His hand twitched again at his sides and his cursed energy spiked back up again, this time letting it be and raising up his hand slowly towards the fucking scum right in front of him still talking on and on and on about how they should have just “done the job themselves” and just as his hand is right in front of his face, unknowingly to the scumbag in front of him of course since his eyes never left the two girls, glaring at them with disgust while he spat some more nonsense from his disgusting mouth.
But before he fires his cursed energy at him, he remembers Riko again, well not really, to be more exact he remembers Gojo while holding Riko’s corpse, asking him “should we just kill them all?”.
He remembers that destroyed and crazed look in his eyes, and decides in that exact moment that Geto was the one that had to be his rock, no matter how much he wanted to say yes himself, he needed to be that never-ending stabilizer for Gojo, something about needing to have some sort of balance, because if Gojo didn't have somebody to support him and have his back and of all else be able to tell him that he can't make dumb decisions like that, then he would lose it inevitably.
Though in reality, Geto Suguru is a liar, because it was never about holding Gojo back from dumb decisions, and it was never about being responsible or having balance or anything else he told himself it was, it was simply just because he cared for Gojo, and he never wanted Gojo to go through the exact same thing he was thinking, he just wanted a justified reason to in the end of the day, to care.
Or maybe Geto is even just being the support for Gojo that Geto wishes he had for himself, for somebody to hold him back, and tell him he was being a dumbass.
Or maybe he just loved him.
And of course his hand fell back to his side, quickly calming down his cursed energy as quickly as it came.
A few days after he dropped Mimiko and Nanako off with their new guardian, it all finally dawned on him what he almost did that night.
He had gotten out of the shower and was brushing his teeth to get ready for bed, his mind endlessly wandering to whatever was at point of interest when he thinks back to that village, but not in the usual way he thought back to the village, he usually thought back to it when remembering the scumbag he was talking to and the clear unashamed disgust on his face.
No, this time he remembered himself.
The twitch in his hands, the spike in cursed energy, and the constant thought of ‘disgusting, every single one of you, disgusting scum’.
When he reached his hand towards that man's face, his intent wasn't to kill just the man in front of him and to take the girls out of that hellhole, it was to kill every single one of those people living in that village.
Which makes no fucking sense, why does every single person that resides inside of the village get killed just because he met one really big piece of shit, they did nothing but be guilty of association.
He now remembers when he just entered the village, the first thing he saw was the playground and how he smiled at himself seeing how peaceful it was with all the kids playing and getting along with each other.
What about them? Were those innocent kids also guilty by association?
Suguru feels sick.
He puts his toothbrush away and rinses out the rest of the toothpaste that was left in his mouth, and all he does after that is just look at his own reflection.
If Suguru never stopped himself, would this have been the last face those hundreds of people have seen that night?
Suguru gags and lunges for the toilet, puking out the little food he ate that day accompanied with the unmistakable taste of stomach acid that felt like no matter how much he swallowed that taste just wouldn't leave the back of his throat, and when it finally did he could still feel a constant stinging pain that stayed a constant no matter how much swigs of water he took.
After he puked out all the food he ate that day, he dry heaved for what felt like an eternity when in reality it was probably just ten minutes.
His stomach finally calmed down enough for him to trust himself to rest his head against the wall, catching his breath and feeling so grateful for his past self for putting his hair into a low ponytail after he got out of the shower.
Finally feeling the exhaustion hit him from the puking, crying, gagging, and of course even more puking, he decides it's time to finally go get some rest before its daytime.
He flushes the bile left in the toilet and decides to look away when he feels the nausea hit him again and washes his hands before finally leaving the bathroom that he felt like he's been in for hours, which maybe it was hours but he wouldn't really know.
When his door comes into view, he realizes the door was left open, he never leaves the door open.
He slows down his steps to make less noise and he makes sure to keep all of his senses on high alert for any abnormalities, and gets ready to use his cursed technique at any given moment.
He slams the door open the rest of the way and uses his free hand to switch the light on and quickly realizes that there's nobody to be seen.
He stands there confused until he sees a fresh cup of lemon honey tea on his nightstand accompanied with a couple of new water bottles and some sore throat medicine.
There was only one person that's ever done the same routine for him, Satoru.
This act of kindness usually left him smiling to himself, because it just shows he listened to him when he was explaining to Satoru how difficult and disgusting his cursed technique was for him, and how after tough missions he often finds himself puking his guts out.
And Satoru is such a kind person, that he always without fail made him a hot cup of honey tea every single time he heard Suguru puking in the restroom.
This time, it just makes him sad, and disappointed in himself.
Satoru must have thought he has had another tough mission and consumed a lot of curses, but it was just Suguru having such pure disgust with himself that his own body agreed with him.
He doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve him.
When he falls asleep, the honey lemon tea as well as the throat medicine is left completely untouched.
-
Suguru wakes up to the loud and uncomfortable growling of his empty stomach, he sighs but still is glad that he has no more missions left for the remainder of the week, only some light training.
He slips himself out of bed and puts on his slippers before heading out the door to fix his empty stomach, not bothering to put his hair up.
Satoru is unsurprisingly already in the dorm’s kitchen when he gets there too, making a bowl of cereal with more tablespoons of sugar than a whole cake, Suguru used to look at him very judgingly when they first started to live in the dorm together but somehow he got used to it, well at least mostly.
Suguru sluggishly waves a hand at Satoru and tries to say good morning to him but-
“Wow! You look like shit.” Satoru grins at him like he is the funniest thing he has seen all week.
“... Right, good morning to you too.” His own voice comes to a surprise to him, it's hoarse and sounds painful above all else, which it not only sounds painful but actually is, a lot at that.
Concern strikes onto Satorus's face and it almost hurts to look at, he doesn't deserve that, so Suguru turns to the fridge, busying himself with food as a excuse to not look at Satoru.
“Oh you sound like shit too, the tea usually fixes that, do you think you need something stronger?” Satoru asks with absolutely nothing but kindness, which makes it all the more worse in how Suguru's heart drops to the bottom pits of his stomach.
“Uh, no no it's fine I just, I just had an especially rough mission yesterday that's all.” Suguru decides on an omelet for breakfast, grabbing the eggs out of the fridge and grabbing a bowl for him to crack the eggs into.
Satoru suddenly appears beside him and it took a lot out of Suguru to not jump at his sudden appearance, but he calms down when he sees he is just setting his dirty bowl in the sink and goes back to making his omelet, cracking a egg into his bowl and reaching to grab the next when he feels a hand on his forehead.
This time he isn't able to stop himself from jumping, looking over to Satoru who seems to be checking for a fever.
“You sure it's that? Maybe you're getting sick too.” Satoru says, with this small crease starting to form in-between his brows, and Suguru just feels sick.
The hand is nice, Suguru thinks. It's warm and it just feels right, Satorus's constant presence just feels… right.
But…
Suguru takes a step back and pulls his hand off of his forehead and shakes his head. “No, just a hard day, don't baby me, I don't need it.” Suguru says coldly, coldly in the same way he remembers talking to that damned scum back at that village, it again makes himself sick.
Satoru shrugs, obviously not caring for another thousand of his emo outbursts. “Alrighty then, if you say so mr.grouchy pants.” Satoru says walking out of the kitchen waving a hand as he leaves.
“What are you? 10?” Suguru calls back to him but all he gets is a ‘HAH!’ before his footsteps eventually become too far for his ears to pick up on.
He is finally left to be alone with his own thoughts.
He turns back to his omelet, using a fork to first break the yolks and then whisk them until it is one singular bright yellow color, then he puts in a bit of frozen vegetables because he very much cant be bothered to try and do anything fresh before adding a few simple seasonings to taste.
Tears drop into the egg mixture, and it comes to a small shock to himself, he usually isn't one to cry to suddenly like that but it happens anyways.
He uses the sleeve on his arm to scrub his eyes before he ends up ruining a perfectly good omelet.
He doesn't deserve it.
He doesn't deserve Satorus's unlimited kindness, he doesn't deserve that concern, he doesn't deserve any of it.
If Satoru knew what he had almost done that night, to those hundreds that Suguru had tried to justify in his own head was guilty of association, then what would he have done, what would he have said?
Suguru knows that whatever it would be, it would only be resentment, and if Satoru had seen his hands twitch at his sides and knew what it had meant, then he would have been puking in that toilet alongside with him.
Satoru is kind, way too kind, Suguru decides.
And Suguru is scum, he also decides.
…
The omelet ended up tasting bland.
-
He was on a emergency last minute mission with Satoru and Nanami on it too, Satoru being the one that obviously chose to be on the front lines of killing the biggest curse while Nanami was following close behind Gojo and cleaning up any of the small ones that he couldn't pay attention to himself, and Suguru made sure that all of the citizens that weren't able to evacuate in time were all found and escorted outside of the veil.
He was very clearly given the easiest part of the job that Suguru knows smells of Satoru's doing all over the place, guess that meant that Satoru didn't buy it when he said he was fine.
After only 30 minutes into the mission, Suguru has already cleared the entirety of the area of any remaining civilians out of the veil, Suguru guesses that Satoru's plan was to give him the easy and quick job and let him rest the rest of the time while he finished everything with Nanami, just because he is that kind of annoyingly thoughtful person.
But Suguru wasn't just going to stand idly and let himself be treated with that kind of kindness, he is a sick and twisted person that could have killed an entire village without a second thought just because.
And sick and twisted people don't get to just ‘take it easy’ and he really doesn't want to keep leaching on everybody's kindness when he almost became a mass murderer in just one conversation.
He decided that he would help Nanami finish his side of the job since it was probably too much to handle.
Nanami seemed to not be bothered at all with Suguru coming to help him clean out the rest of the smaller curses, only giving him a small glance before focusing on the curse in front of him.
And Suguru… He was careless, no, it wasn't that he was careless, it was that he was tired.
He is so fucking sick of living with himself, the person he was that night, the person he doesn't know what will become of him in the future.
Every single time he had killed one curse after another as if it was as easy as tying his hair in the morning, he wondered if this is how he would have been if he had let himself go, if he would slice one and go to the next without a second thought, if he would have looked at the lifeless playground like another successful mission.
He was sick, sick in the fucking head.
And then, Suguru faltered, he could have blocked the next attack from miles away, but he faltered, because there was no way he could fight for his life right now, there was now way he could let a close call happen like that again, because sure he had stopped himself then, but what if there was a next time? Could he really count on himself to not kill the next village or the next after that?
And honestly, he didn't know the answer to that question, so he let the curse hit him, he let his body hit the ground, and he let the curse hit him again and again.
Before he passed out, he very clearly remembers Nanami's shouts and hoping that he would just let him be, he wished everyone would let him be.
Suguru was scared, scared of himself, and scared of what he could have become that night, and terrified of what he could become in the future.
-
Suguru then finds himself in a hospital bed, a constant beeping sound in the background, monitoring his heart rate.
Suguru stares at the ceiling above him, not thinking of much at all, just thinking of what the hell is he going to do with himself now that he can't even trust his own decisions and morals.
“So are you going to like, I don't know, do anything or do you just want to keep spacing out?” Shoko says and Suguru moves his head to face her, and she looks how she has always looked, unimpressed.
When Shoko soon realizes that Suguru wasn't going to respond to her she sighs and pulls her chair a bit more closer to his bed, her eyes very intently inspecting his every move and reaction.
“Why not another question then, why did you let that curse almost kill you?” Shoko asks in the very same tone as the last question, light and monotone.
Suguru’s entire body goes cold, while Shoko remains emotionless but he has known her long enough to know that she is dead serious.
“What?”
That voice didn't come from Suguru or Shoko.
It was Satorus's.
“What the fuck do you mean he let the curse kill him?” Satoru asks again, walking fully into the room and standing next to Shoko but only looking at Suguru.
He feels nauseous again.
Shoko sighs again and pushes herself off the chair, patting Satoru on the shoulder once as she makes her way out the room. “Well I'll let you sort that one out, have fun im going for a smoke.” She announces before walking out the door, closing the door behind her, because just like Satoru, she is also too kind, even if she doesn't think so.
Suguru looks back towards Satoru who is now sitting on the chair Shoko was on just seconds ago, he has a very troubled look on his face but his eyes still never once leave Suguru.
“Suguru, what did Shoko mean by that?” Satoru asks again, starting to become impatient.
Suguru kind of wants to tell him, wants to tell him what he almost did at the village, what has been on his mind since Riko's death, and says how he has been terrified of himself since and that he doesn't know how to even begin to live with himself after it all.
But he's just scared.
So he doesn't say a fucking thing.
“I don't know what she is talking about either, do you honestly think I would be that stupid?” Suguru says, slipping on an easy-going smile to hopefully sell the lie.
Satoru doesn't have a smile on his face, he doesn't crack a joke and he definitely doesn't buy it. “That curse, you and I both know it was weak” He states, and it's true, it was one he could have killed in his sleep if he really wanted to, but that's not what he's going to tell him.
“Yeah I know, embarrassing right? Everything that's been going on just caught up to me and I got very tired” Not a lie “And I know I should have stayed back that's all on me, I just knew you were purposely trying to give me the easy side and it just annoyed me” Not a lie either “And then another curse hit me from the behind, which knocked me down and the one in front of me obviously went ham seeing as how i'm here now” The biggest lie of his entire life.
Satorus's face is still completely blank shit “But really it wasn't so bad! I know that might seem far-fetched seeing as how I'm you know, here but luckily the-'' Suguru doesn't finish his sentence.
Satoru put his hand on top of his own, the warmth by itself makes Suguru want to cry right then and there.
“Suguru, if you aren't being honest with me then I need you to tell me now, we are here for you, I'm here for you, I just need you to look me in the eyes and tell me that this really was all just a big freak accident. And if it wasn't, then that's okay and we can work through it together, alright?” Satoru's voice trembles more than once, and he has this expression on his face like he is going to fall apart right then and there. Suguru thinks he feels his hand shaking just a bit, but then again he isn't sure if that's his own hands.
Suguru is scared, scared of what he might become and most of all scared that Satoru might just end up convincing him.
…
Suguru smiles at him, at the boy he was painfully in love with and that it actually hurts like hell.
Really, it hurts so much, so much that he has to lie to him like this.
“What are you doing getting all serious like that man? Cmon, you know me.” Suguru says, and this time Satoru finally believes him and smiles back at him.
“Now would it be possible for your clingy and sappy self to let a man get some rest? I didn't exactly sleep well last night.” Suguru speaks softly, because if he doesn't he thinks he will cry in front of his best friend.
Satoru smiles at him, giving his hand one last squeeze before standing up. “Of course, how could I forget about your mandatory beauty sleep. I'll see you later then, also Shoko says your good to leave bed rest whenever so take your time.” Satoru says as he walks to the door, his hand pauses on the door knob and he looks back at Suguru.
“Hey Suguru?”
“Yeah?”
…
Satoru shakes his head and opens the door “Nah nevermind, i'll tell you another time, sleep tight!” Satoru blows an air kiss towards him and Suguru makes a loud fake gag noise in response.
The door closes shut.
Suguru sinks back down on the bed, and he curls into himself with his arms wrapping around his waist.
He lets himself cry his shaky heart out for the first time in months.
And it hurts.
-
A few days has passed since he has left the medical bay, which was also the last time he has spoken to or seen Gojo.
He's very sure he has heard a passing conversation in the hallways on how he has been on a very high demand mission that only he could do because of him being Gojo Satoru himself.
But Suguru is for the first time glad that he hadn't seen him since the last time they've spoken, Gojo makes him vulnerable and makes him want to be vulnerable.
It’s currently well past midnight and Suguru can’t find it in himself to sleep, much less even try.
The event from the village just keeps coming back inside his fucking head and it just comes back stronger every time and Suguru can't stop it.
No matter how many times he replayed that same scene inside his head it just doesn't make any sense. He used to be a man of very strong beliefs and morals, and he always stood by them, and he had somehow managed to put a massive stain on every single one of them in one single conversation.
But no matter how many times he thinks about it, it doesn't make sense.
Guilty by association.
How the fuck does that make sense? How is that just? Why did his mind genuinely consider massacring an entire village just because they were guilty by association, why not kill that one singular scumbag if he was going to kill at all, why did one singular conversation make his hands twitch at his sides, ready to use his cursed technique to destroy all but two individuals in the entirety of the village, the peaceful village with the innocent people and the innocent laughing children.
Suguru played that scene a million times inside of his head, and he thinks he knows why, it does make sense, he just didn't want to believe it.
Geto Suguru was just a bad person.
But at the very least he is aware of it, and he can do something about it before he fully loses it all.
At the village, it was only a small twitch in his hands that he wasn't able to control, so that can only mean that there will come a time where it’s something much more bigger than a twitch, maybe a human being, maybe an entire village, but no matter what it is he needs to do what he has promised as a jujutsu sorcerer, to protect those weaker around him.
Geto Suguru thinks he shouldn't be allowed to live.
And if it was anybody else, he would have called them a fucking idiot, because it makes no sense that a person wouldn't be allowed the simple right to just exist, and Geto Suguru thinks everybody should be given the chance to simply exist, which is exactly why he thinks this, because if Geto Suguru lives, then it will only be a matter of time before he takes away an innocents person simple right to exist.
He feels so sick with himself, he hates the person he has become, and of all else he hates that he is scared shitless.
He's so scared and he wishes he was contempt with his decision to die, he doesn't even know when or where, obviously not now, or tomorrow, or even next month. But someday, he will take a mission that's too high for him to handle, or take the wrong medication, or trip and fall at the next assassination attempt.
And he is scared, he still wants to live but there is no way in hell he can let himself live when he could possibly kill a innocent person and try to justify it in the process, that's a dangerous thought process that can't be allowed to continue.
He feels sick.
Actually, he feels really sick, and the moment he feels his stomach twist and churn and the nausea building up with no sign of slowing down he knows he needs to puke again.
He rushes out of his room, and towards the restroom only barely managing to close the restroom door behind him before he is puking inside of the toilet bowl again.
This one isn't as nasty as most of his other ones, don't get him wrong it was still terrible and disgusting, but he was at least able to be done in a new record time of 6 minutes.
The taste was still left in the back of his throat and he knew it would stay with him for a very uncomfortable amount of time but it's starting to get to a point where he is getting used to it, just by a bit though.
He goes through the same routine of flushing the toilet, washing his hands, and letting himself stare at his own reflection for much longer than needed, but this time he doesn't feel much anger when he looks at his reflection, he just feels sad, because he isn't sure how many more times he is going to be able to look at his own reflection now.
By the time he feels the tears start to prick at his eyes he decided that he should be leaving by now.
He turns off the lights to the restroom and walks back to his own, it isn't a long walk but it still takes him a minute until his room is within eyesight.
The first thing he notices before he even walks through the door is that the lights are on, Suguru doesn't bother getting paranoid this time, he already knows Satoru dropped off some tea.
He walks inside the room but he wasn't expecting Satoru to be inside as well, he also takes note of the honey lemon tea sitting on the nightstand as well like it usually was.
Satoru was sitting on the edge of the bed, facing the door and looking at Suguru with this small soft smile on his face, and it's genuinely the sweetest thing Suguru has had done for him and he doesn't even know if he is allowed to feel happy about it.
The tears in Suguru's eyes well up again, and Satoru takes note of this as well, his face quickly turning into concern.
“Suguru?” He asks gently.
And Suguru just can't hide it anymore, he can't keep up the happy act anymore, not when this kindness could be directed towards someone that actually deserved it.
“I don't deserve this.” Is all he says in response.
The concern on Satoru's face grows and he just looks confused. “What? Do you mean the tea? It's really not a big deal at all” Satoru says.
I shake my head back at him, I drop my head and I stare at my own feet, and shortly after the tears that were welled up in my eyes just start falling with no sign of stopping.
“No, well also yes, but no, I mean all of it, I don't deserve kindness I don't deserve concern, just- just stop all of it.” My voice is trembling now, I hate it but I hate all of the lies even more. I hate misleading everyone, I hate misleading Satoru.
“I don't get it, why would you say that about yourself?” Satoru is speaking gently, the way one would speak to a child having a tantrum, and he doesn't know if that's his intention, or if that's what is really going on.
His heart hurts, he thinks. “I'm a bad person, Satoru.” Suguru says, and he almost can't believe that he said it, with how fucking scared he felt inside this same room jusf 20 minutes ago.
“Hey that's not true, you're one of the best people I know, you know that right?” Satoru says, that gentle tone in his voice not leaving for even a single second.
Suguru feels sick, he wishes he didn't lie to him in the past.
“No, you don't get it, Satoru. I almost- back at that mission I had with the two girls, that village, I was- I almost killed them! Do you understand that? I almost killed that entire fucking village!” Suguru yells out, voice cracking, and the more he speaks the more his throat hurts, mainly from the vomit.
Satoru fall quiet now, and Suguru knows that this will be it, he will come clean now, because he loves Satoru and he can't keep on lying to him, and if by the end of it all Satoru rightfully hates his guts, then maybe he would kill him too.
“That villager that was abusing those two, he just kept going on and on about how they were vermin, and that he should have done it himself sooner, and he, god, he fucking boasted about how starved them for weeks before he called us, and I just, I just couldn't anymore, I wanted to kill them!” Suguru says, pausing to take in another breath, and he strangely feels lighter, but also more in pain all at the same time.
“And I don't just mean that one singular scumbag, I mean everyone in that damned village, which, it doesn't make any fucking sense! Why the hell was I in that moment trying to find a reason to kill them all right then and there? When their only possible crime was guilty by association, it just doesn't make any fucking sense! The only reason there ever was is that I'm just a bad person.” Suguru's voice starts to lower in volume, and he feels himself shrink more and more as time goes on.
“I'm just a bad person, and I don't deserve your kindness anymore. I almost commited mass murder that night and, and that isn't something I can just live with! I'm just, I'm just… I think I'm just done. I don't deserve to exist Satoru, not when I seriously could have killed hundreds that night, not when there's the possibility of it happening again, and the even bigger possibility of me not being able to stop it, or even trying to for fucks sake.” My body is shaking, and I'm still fucking scared.
“I can't be allowed to exist anymore, Satoru.” I say in just a whisper, still staring at my feet that look heavily blurred from the tears.
A minute passes just like that, staring at my blurry feet and crying in complete silence, and I almost began to think that this was Satoru's response, just complete silence.
“...Hey Suguru?” Gojo calls out.
A sniffle. “Yeah?”
“Could you come here?” He asks in this extremely polite tone and with the exact same amount of gentleness to it.
“What..?” Suguru whispers back in response.
And that really takes Suguru aback, he was expecting yelling, disappointment, or just pure disgust, but this? Whatever this is, is just confusing, and the only thing he can wrap his head around is that Satoru is going to kill him right fucking now.
He feels his hands shaking by his sides, he is scared and he doesn't really want to die just yet, he was hoping he would have at least seen his parents once before he went, but he also knew that this was just going to happen sooner or later so there's no point in delaying it any further.
Suguru guesses that his fear must be very obvious to Satoru, which makes sense since they are- they were best friends for years, he sort of knows his tells by now.
“Hey it's alright, just c'mere, yeah?” Satoru says, and Suguru is just so fucking happy that it's going to be him that will kill him, because he is scared, really scared, and Satoru is so kind that it helps him calm down, just by a bit.
Suguru walks towards Satoru, stopping when he reaches the bed, he is still looking at his own feet, this time seeing Satoru's feet in view with his own, and Satoru is still sitting on the edge of his bed like how he was when he first came into the room.
Then Satoru's hand reaches for his face, and it makes Suguru jump at the sudden moment, Suguru's heart stutters, and he screws his eyes shut so hard that it makes him get a small headache.
He really wished he wasn't such a piece of shit, then he wouldn't feel so scared at this moment, but also at the same time so relieved that he wasn't going to have to be scared of his own two hands.
But then he feels a hand cradle his right cheek, Suguru's eyes snap open at the contact, and for the first time since he finally looks at Satoru, and he properly looks at him.
He's still smiling at him, it's a soft smile that Suguru has only ever seen just a couple time's in his entirety of knowing Satoru, and he is looking at Suguru with such earnesty and kindness. Gojo Satoru is just so bright and Suguru doesn't know what to even do about it.
And he only smiles even wider when he sees Suguru finally look back at him too. “There you are.” Is all Satoru says, voice sounding like it's laced with nothing but pure honey.
Suguru swallows nervously, he doesn't know what to even make of this, is Satoru just showing some compassion so he has a good last memory? Is this just some cruel joke?
But no matter what it is, Suguru loves it, he wants to soak up all of the attention that Satoru’s willing to give.
Satoru's hand feels warm against his cheek, and it makes his face feel hot.
Satoru uses his hand to wipe off the stray tears away of Suguru’s face, and it's all so warm, and if it weren't for the reality of his situation, then he would have let himself feel all fluttery in this moment, and he would have maybe even reached out a hand of his own.
Suguru doesn't feel so afraid anymore. “Are you going to kill me now?” Suguru asks, voice sounding more hoarse and scratchy the more he talks.
Satoru's smile drops by just a bit at that, and his brows scrunch up together, and Suguru wishes he was in a position where he could reach out his hand and smooth out the crease in-between his brows, but he really feels like he wouldn't be able to move his shaky hands even if he had tried to.
A beat passes and Satoru doesn't say anything, he just looks at Suguru with studying eyes, searching his face for whatever answers he was seeking. And after a few minutes pass, he seems to find whatever it was, Suguru doesn't dare ask no matter how confused he is about this whole situation.
Satoru lets out a small sigh and drops his head just by a bit while shaking his head no, and his other hand that has been resting on his lap reaches for Suguru as well.
He puts his arm around his back and suddenly pulls Suguru into a hug, the sudden movement makes Suguru stumble to lay halfway on his lap, and other half on the bed, while Satoru's hand on his cheek moves the back of his head, pushing his face to the crook of his neck.
“No silly, you don't deserve to die, and you will not as long as I'm around, I promise you that.” Satoru says, pulling him in an even closer embrace.
And it just doesn't make any sense.
“... I almost killed them, you can't just say that Satoru.” My hands shake, and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should feel relieved or scared that I still need to live with the mess that I am.
A beat passes.
“But you didn't.” Satoru said, like it was the most simple thing in the entire world.
“No, but I almost did, and that's the issue Satoru. I could have and I don't know if next time I just won't either, I just can't rely on myself to stop myself like that in the future..!” Suguru feels light headed from all the talking, if Satoru would just simply understand what he is saying then all of this could be going smoothly.
Another beat passes.
“Then rely on me.” He again says it like its just the most simple thing in the world, but this time he can hear a distinct tenderness in his voice.
He really, really wishes he could, but he's-
“I'm scared, I just can't. You and I both know I can't just rely on you forever.” Suguru whispers back, his voice trembles and his hands shake even more, something Satoru takes note of and moves his hand from his back to gently take hold of one of his hands, using his thumb to draw patterns on the back of his hand, which makes Suguru feel all light and fluffy inside.
“But you can, if you go too far then I'll be there to pull you back, and if you don't, then I'll be right behind you to support you for every move you make.” Satoru says, using the hand on the back of his head to start carding his hands through the knots in his hair.
Suguru starts to cry again, because Satoru is genuinely convincing him to go back on everything he said he would do, and it's a new sort of scary, because how is he going to live from here on out?
“... But I-” Suguru tries to start.
“Suguru, you don't need to earn the right to exist.” Satoru says, his voice, his demeanor, giving no room for argument.
Suguru knew deep inside that if there was a argument then Satoru would have just never left his side and would keep a close eye on his every move until he knew without a doubt that Suguru wasn't going to try and do anything stupid, but maybe he was going to do that anyways, he doesn't really know.
And those words just break Suguru, his tears come back at full force and he feels bad for the tears and snot that gets on Satoru's clothes, and he curls into himself, which only really causes him to push his face further into Satoru’s neck, which he really doesn't mind since he would die if he let him see his face right now.
And Satoru just holds him throughout it all, there is few words shared the rest of the night, mainly just Suguru crying to Satoru that he ‘just can't’ to which Satoru just shushes him and tells him ‘you absolutely can’, and it only ever makes Suguru cry harder, but at the same time make him feel so much more lighter, and makes him want to at least try.
And when Satoru pulls him to lay on the bed with him, he not only lets him but this time wraps his own arms around him too, and they fall asleep just like that.
And when Suguru wakes up in the middle of the night to Satoru kissing him on the head, he pretends to not notice, vowing to return the favor in the morning when he feels a little better about himself.
And Geto Suguru knows that one day, he will feel better about existing and existing alongside Satoru, the boy he is madly in love with.
The honey lemon tea is left untouched again, but he doesn't mind this time.