Archive of Our Own

The silence of Kaworu’s room broke as Shinji's choking sobs filled the air. Kaworu let his hand caress up and down Shinji's arm as the boy cried on his shoulder. His hands tightly gripped the back of Kaworu's shirt as if clinging on to the angel atop of him as much as he could before Kaworu changed his mind about what he had said.

I'll be right here, by your side. I'll watch your back. I won't ever let you go. I promise, Shinji-kun…

Kaworu had been keeping that promise for as long as he can remember and intended to do it again. And again and again and again. As many times as it was needed. As many times it was required of him to die by the boy's hands, as many times the world had to reset itself for him to get the happiness Shinji deserves; Kaworu will continue to carry out that promise.

Shinji never cried to him about his feelings before. He would always hold a stern, stone-like facade when he told Kaworu about the people around him or mentioned his problems, even lashing out at him if Kaworu replied with something insensitive, but never crying. So he would be lying if he said it didn't catch him off guard. Had he been in this much pain even back then?

Shinji didn't hold his head down, avoid questions or lie that he was alright like he usually does. This time, he reached out on his own, asking if he could sleep over before Kaworu could invite him over, initiating conversation during dinner, lying down beside him on his bed even though he laid out his usual futon for him.

It required great trust for lilin to share their vulnerabilities or come in that close and Kaworu was beginning to believe that he built that trust with Shinji well during the past month.

Oh, how he thanked every power of the universe for the time he got. It had been everything he had ever wanted and more. Even though it had only been that long for the sick, twisted plan the old men came up with, his wish to be able to stay beside Shinji for longer than just a few days was fulfilled and he didn't want it to end.

He was happy. He was happy that Shinji felt free enough that he could express his feelings to him, happy that Shinji reached out to him and let Kaworu into his heart.

Then why did he feel such pain?

He remembered the first time he shed tears which was within Eva Unit 02, upon feeling the anguish of the First Child, and the aching longing he felt when Shinji despised him in that same lifetime. It felt similar to then but worse. His core hurt as though it was a human heart. The angel had never felt that way before. It was Shinji who was in pain not him so why was he feeling this way?

The boy pulled him closer to his chest, nestling into his shoulder to the point where all of Kaworu's weight was on top of him, sniffling in between sobs as he whimpered desperately.

"It's alright, Shinji-kun," Kaworu whispered softly, pulling himself up with an arm to not crush Shinji and frowning when he turned his face away when he tried to meet his gaze.

Look at me, please , he felt himself yearning, his core feeling sticky and heavy from the ache felt upon catching a glimpse of the pained expression he was holding. Was he really telling Shinji it was alright or himself?

After a few moments, Shinji took a few deep breaths as he collected himself, sniffling from his running nose and letting a hand go to wipe off his tears. Kaworu didn't waste any time to reach for the other cheek and do the same for him. Shinji let his hand fall to his side, closing his eyes and nuzzling into Kaworu's hand, as he let Kaworu do so. Soon, when his breathing slowed and his tears stopped flowing. Kaworu felt relief wash over him as he waited patiently for him to calm down.

Hesitantly, Kaworu took Shinji's hand in his free hand and laced his fingers with his. Azure eyes looked at him as crimson held a question of whether it was alright, his answer being his fingers intertwining the same way to hold Kaworu's hand as a softened look touched his face.

They had never been in a position this close before, Kaworu noted. Though it had been something Shinji didn't quite appreciate once upon a time, Kaworu didn't want to scare him that way again. He blamed himself many times for all that he had done in that lifetime. The guilt of that moment and the fear of Shinji pushing him away like that again kept ringing in his mind, his core pounding his chest so loud he couldn't hear anything else.

Why was that?

He loved Shinji. It never bothered him if Shinji didn't feel the same way but—

The hand on his back moved to caress Kaworu's face and the angel flinched when his thoughts came to a stop upon the touch. It made him wonder what kind of expression he was holding for Shinji to gently run his fingers through his bangs and tucked his hair behind his ear before going back to his cheek once again, the gesture making the angel melt into his warmth.

"I'm sorry… You let me stay at your place and I just dumped all of this on to you," Shinji said, his voice low and apologetic to which Kaworu fondly shook his head, leaning closer into his hand with an affectionate smile. Sweet, innocent Shinji looked more worried about Kaworu as if he wasn't the one going through all that turmoil. "With everything that's going on, you must feel lonely too, don't you?"

Kaworu? Lonely? He could almost laugh at how adorable Shinji sounded. He wasn't a human. He was an angel. How could he feel lonely? How could he possibly? Those emotions were reserved for lilin and them alone.

"Kaworu-kun?"

He was alone all his lives until he meets Shinji near the end of each one. It wasn't like he had a problem with it. In fact, he was comfortable like that. He would get his memories at the age of twelve or so, it would just take a day or two to process and then and it was just waiting another few years under SEELE until he meets Shinji again, which was always something to look forward to, so it was all fine. He was fine. It had always been fine until would Adam call out to him to—

"Kaworu-kun, you're crying."

A quiet gasp escapes the angel's lips. "What?" he asked in a small voice.

"You're crying," Shinji repeated, soft words filled with worry and his thumb wiping away the tears on Kaworu's cheek. "What's wrong?"

Kaworu's chest nearly shattered at how Shinji pulled away from his hand but he let go of the breath he was unconsciously holding when it reached out again to hold him in his arms. The warmth of his skin made Kaworu feel light. The carefulness of his touch made him feel like he was being held like he was something delicate and fragile in his hands. How ironic, Kaworu thought. It was Shinji and his heart that were that way. He was the one deserving and in need of such affection, not him. Shinji had a kind heart and Kaworu couldn't help but love him more each time, however much he was undeserving of that kindness.

Kaworu tried smiling widely at him, slowly pulling himself up from his embrace. "I'm fine, Shinji-kun. There's nothing to worry about really," he assured.

"Don't shy away from me," Shinji said— no , pleaded. Kaworu's own words were being used against him and it made him feel even worse about himself. "Talk to me."

Even through the dim lighting of the room, Kaworu could make out the concern in his eyes. The angel grounded himself by focusing on his beloved's hands cupping his face again to stop more tears from falling.

"How amusing. We both cried," Kaworu chuckled helplessly to change the topic, purposely ignoring the last thing Shinji said. 

Shinji smiled meekly, though not entirely meeting his eyes, almost as if he understood what Kaworu was trying to do. "We did, didn't we?" he murmured.

They shared a moment in silence, Kaworu rolling on to his side next to Shinji, still holding him, as he nuzzled into his hand. "How are you feeling?"

"I had been holding back from crying for long so it helped I suppose," he said, sounding rather embarrassed about it. Crying helps? Lilin were truly interesting. "What about you? I shouldn't have said something like that."

Kaworu took Shinji's hands in his and held it between them, smiling fondly at him as he shook his head. "Nothing like that. I just thought of something unpleasant from my past as well. It is nothing to worry yourself over."

Shinji's expression looked pained. Kaworu braced himself as Shinji opened his mouth to say something but he eventually decided against it and stayed quiet, as if he chose to not pry any further if Kaworu wished to avoid the topic. How would things be if Shinji actually remembered him? He really wished he could tell him about how long his love for him has been running and tell him all the times they've met before but it was his curse to live on with these memories all alone.

A strong urge to cry overwhelmed Kaworu at the thought but he held it in and simply smiled for Shinji. He needed someone to look after him and be by his side. Not someone who cries over things. He shouldn't be pitying himself. He shouldn't think about anything. He had a job to do and that was to make Shinji happy so he will do his part no matter the cost.

"I meant every word I said," Kaworu said, softly. "You're not alone when I'm here, Shinji-kun. I'll hold you forever and every lifetime beyond that if you allow me."

It was right then when Kaworu saw Shinji's smile reach his eyes, a sight that reminded Kaworu of who he was doing all of this for and of the love he had felt for him and his delicate heart. Kaworu's eyes widened when tears welled up in the corner of Shinji's eyes once again.

"You're crying again," Kaworu gasped, surprise taking a backseat as worry washed over him. "Did I upset you in any way?"

"I'm just very happy," Shinji confessed, his smile widening. His eyes looked at Kaworu with so much affection, the angel felt his chest warm at the sight. How strange yet mesmerising Shinji was. Crying upon feeling joy. He had never seen Shinji that way. There were tears in his eyes but he wore the most dazzling and genuine smile Kaworu had ever seen. "You make me happy."

It took him by surprise how he said that. He really wanted to believe that he did, but he couldn't. He couldn't possibly be the reason why Shinji is happy. All he had ever done was break his heart by making him take Kaworu's life over and over again but Shinji doesn't know that. He didn't know what to say or believe but Shinji was smiling at him right now and he couldn't stop a smile of his own curving the corners of his lips because of his confession, pushing all those thoughts aside. 

Shinji broke eye contact for a moment, flustered almost from how quiet Kaworu was, before meeting Kaworu's eyes after his hand moved lower to cup the side of his neck. His eyes held an endearing expression he had never seen before. Love. It had to be love. Oh, how he hoped it was love. 

He was learning something new about him everyday and with it, his love for him only grew more and more. Shinji's presence was like the sun to his heart and his smile was like the water it needed to flourish. His touch would be like the air he'd breathe if he too needed it to survive. Touch was something sacred, he learned. It required the atmost trust since lilin were particular about it. Some reserved for a few and others for the rest and to those they don't know or push away, they'd share none at all. Kaworu was always the one to touch him first; a hand over his at the baths, holding his hand as he guided him places, an arm over his shoulders under the night sky — Kaworu couldn't help but yearn for more, the grounding reassurance that he was actually there with him, that the moment they were sharing was real, that he was alive with his love by his side once again. For Shinji to touch him first, his heart couldn't be more content.

"And you make me happy too."

All of those feelings enveloped Kaworu as he let Shinji's hands hold his face as the boy leaned in to kiss him gently over his lips. It barely lasted longer than a second, more so a peck than a kiss but Kaworu's heart felt so full of emotion he couldn't breathe. Shinji smiled warmly as Kaworu stared at him in disbelief, the boy's thumb wiping away the stray tear that slid down Kaworu's cheek as he watched the angel’s teary eyes.

Shinji wrapped his arms around him once again when Kaworu leaned in to press a kiss over his cheek, the angel beaming brightly as the touch made his skin flush red and his lips smile. Shinji's eyes fluttered shut before nuzzling against his nose, the warmth of his breath against his lips making it impossible for Kaworu to not kiss him again, pouring every ounce of love he felt for him into it, however clumsy and inexperienced they both were. It was slow and sweet, his core raced beneath his chest like never before. Shinji sighed blissfully when Kaworu pulled away, only for them to share a smile before meeting halfway again. 

Nothing could describe what Kaworu had felt when Shinji kissed him back, his one hand cupping the angel's face while the other arm was around him like he was made to belong there, their chests pressing close as if to bring their hearts and souls together. It was like every thought of the old men's cruel threats, the anguish of their pasts and the ache of their futures simply melted away. In that moment, it didn't feel like he wasn't in a torturous cycle of life and death. Shinji loved Kaworu. Kaworu loved him back. That was all he could think about and that was all he needed to think about.

Kaworu felt his core blooming with joy from how beautiful his love looked at him with a mesmerising smile. A layer of pain still lingering within those ocean eyes. He had to lose people before he met Kaworu and that was a pain his love for him cannot replace or fix. But that doesn't mean he wouldn't do whatever it takes to get him away from all the misery around him.

Fate will continue on just as the scrolls prescribed it. SEELE still wants Shinji out of the equation and off Eva Unit 01 before they can begin their plan to restart the world and Kaworu will still have to die for it to take place. He could run away from them but there is no escape for he'd be killed by them just like how his siblings were and nor he couldn't bring himself to leave Shinji like that. He could tell Shinji about all the plans before he does but that wouldn't stop Gendo from using him and Unit 01 for the Instrumentality. 

He shuddered at the thought of staying at NERV any longer than he had to. The moment Adam calls for him, he'd have no choice but to follow and Shinji would once again have to kill him by his hand. The Angel of Free Will with none of his own. It was almost laughable. Receiving another kiss from Shinji on his cheek, Kaworu found himself tearing up once again, the touch bringing him back to the reality of the closeness between them and the bubble of intimacy they were sharing, a reality Kaworu couldn't afford to stay in without having to considering ways to keep it alive. 

But maybe things could go differently this time.

Wiping away his tears, knowing fully well there is no escaping death for him, he voiced an idea that could potentially keep Shinji safe from it all, calling out to every power out there in the hope that Shinji would comply. "Run away with me." It was supposed to be a question, a request, but the lump on his throat made it hard to not make it sound like a plea, reflecting his desperation and hopefulness that things could be different for once. "We can go somewhere. Just the two of us. Away from everything." Away from having to kill me by your hands and from those who will use you.

He immediately expected Shinji to turn him down but the boy, his lovely boy, said, "Okay," with a soft smile. "As long as you're with me, I'll go anywhere."

Kaworu pushed every thought and fear out of his mind as he fell back into Shinji's arms as the boy held him close. What mattered was that Shinji was safe from all the horrors involved with the Instrumentality even after they eliminate Kaworu and only that, so it doesn't matter how long he'd have to run from Adam's call or have to fend SEELE off if it meant keeping Shinji alive and well. He would do it for as long as it takes and as many times as it takes, just like he promised.

For this time, he finally got a chance to make Shinji happy.