Chapter Text
He wanted to forget,
he wanted to numb the pain he felt for weeks now.
He had shot a child, an innocent young girl, younger than his girls. Jenna was a victim in all of that and he shot her, no amount of confession or Sunday church would make it any better. He looked at his phone, he had more than 24 missed calls from Olivia and so many more messages. He couldn't bring himself to answer to anyone alive. Then he saw the time, 3:21 a.m. and he had yet to sleep. So he got up from bed and did the only thing that managed to knock him out lately, went straight for the bottle of whiskey. He wondered if he could call anybody and to his disappointment, the answer was no. He had nobody left, Kathy had taken Eli and gone to her sister, he didn't care to chase after her. A couple of months ago, he would call Liv, but he had failed her; he couldn't allow himself to dump his shit on her.
He didn't even bother to get a glass; he just downed a few good sips, before setting it back down. He opened his fridge, but it was empty, Of course, he hadn't gone for groceries since Kathy left. He had barely eaten, so he couldn't see a point of going anyway. He closed the fridge and went to the couch with the bottle as his only company.
He didn't know how long he had been drinking before he worked up courage to call the only person he knew who would know what to do. He called once, a second time and then a third time, but the person on the other end didn't answer. Now he truly had nobody left; even his mother had lost hope on him.
.
.
.
It had been three months since he talked to anybody other the ghost of Elliot Stabler, a once respected cop, now just another drunk who spent his days in front of the TV drinking and forgetting the pain.
It was another regular day. He was on the couch in front of the TV with his whiskey as a friend, numbing his pain, when he made the decision to get his gun out of the safe box and set it on the coffee table.
He made one last call to his mother, knowing full well that she wouldn't answer, He would let it ring until eventually it would disconnect. But to his surprise...
«Elliot? Oh my god, El, you remembered that you have a partner?» that wasn't his mother's voice; that was Liv's. «Elliot, what's going on? Talk to me, please, I haven't heard from you in over three months, How are you doing?» her voice was like an angels to his ear, but he couldn't do that to her, he couldn't talk, he shouldn't talk.
«I thought I called my mother. I am sorry.» his voice sounded strange to his ears after so long. He turned off his phone the moment he hung up on Olivia. He took the bottle and continued drinking while holding his gun on his hand.
He figured that he had passed out because, when he opened his eyes, it was dark outside and someone was banging on his door. He didn't get up to answer whoever it was; they would eventually leave. So he closed his eyes again.
Liv knocked on his door one more time before deciding to unlock with the set of keys that Elliot had given her years ago for backup. Once she unlocked the door and stepped inside, what she witnessed made her stomach drop. Elliot was on the couch, passed out with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and his gun on the other. Her first move was to take the gun out of his hand and put it back on the safe box, then take the bottle and pour it's contents down the sink.After she was done with the basic tasks of taking care of an alcoholic, she gave herself 30 minutes to clean up the mess around the house.
She had been so angry, when he hung up on her and coming here, she decided that she wanted to bite his head off, but seeing him like this made her want to cry in a small, dark corner. Flashbacks of her mother passed out around the house, were coming strong, and it pained her to see her partner in the same position. She kicked herself mentally for not checking up on him sooner, and she cursed Cragen a little for insisting on staying away from him for a while. She knew that Elliot was struggling, yet she didn't do anything.
But now she was on his apartment and she wouldn't leave before making sure he was safe to be alone. The image of him with a gun on his hand scared the shit out of her.
The next time he woke up, he knew whoever was banking had left; the house was silent once again. It took him a minute to realize that he had a blanket over him and his bottle was gone, just like his gun. He stood up to go look for his gun when he heard a cough from behind him.
« You're not gonna find them. Your bottles are all down the sink and your gun is on the safe, where it should be.» the same angelic voice from the phone was right in front of him
«Why are you here? Go away, Olivia. Go back to your life.»
« Nope you're not pushing me away, like you pushed everybody else, because unlike them, I've seen all of that before, remember.» of course he remembered; that's why he didnt want her here.
«I don't want you here; go away. Leave; there is no reason for you to be here.» he knew he was being mean, but maybe if she was angry enough, she would leave and he could go on with his plan. He expected an explosion, he expected her to scream at him; what he didn't expect were tears running down her cheeks.
« And leave you here alone to kill yourself, Elliot? I don't think so. I was so mad at you for ghosting me because I called and called and you didn't answer. I left you countless voicemails and messages, and you didn't answer. Then, after three months of silence, you called me to tell me that you wanted to call your mother? And your speech was slurred and I called you back, but once again, silence. So I took my ass and came to Queens, only to find you passed out with the fucking gun in your hand. Do you have any idea how scared I was that you fucking ate your gun? That I was too late? That I couldn't tell you all the things that I wanted for years?» her rant came to an abrupt end, whith a gasp.
He took a few steps forward to her direction and put his hands on her cheeks, taking away her remaining tears. « Liv, I am here. I am still here and you're the only reason for it. I am still breathing because of you. Liv you know that I...»
« Don't... don't say it just yet...please, Elliot.»
«Okay, then when?»
« After you go for a shower, eat a proper meal and sober up. I want you to mean what you're gonna say. Now, go for a shower, please »
He chucked with her demand and god did it feel good to have her around him again. He almost forgot how he felt around her. She really was the reason he was still breathing. He started walking to the second floor when he stopped and looked at her.
« I mean it, you know, I love you»
«I know, me too»