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I looked around at my new party members, setting their sleeping bags all around the room we found when we needed to rest .I didn't want to sleep, I was tired of sleeping. No, I was tired of sleeping alone. Tired of having nightmares.
Before, me and Tade would always keep each other company, because I knew she was too nice and too stupid to ever think about hurting me, so I could close my eyes near her and not be worried about having nightmares, which was convenient. Now, I realized I needed her around, which made me feel pathetic. What am I, a little kid? No, even worse, as a little kid I could sleep alone with no problems, but I had Tade for so long, I got comfortable. But now all I have are those guys I just met. I couldn't trust them, I knew I couldn't. But I would have to.
So there I was, looking around, trying to figure out which one of them was the least bad option. In any other situation, I would've picked Marcille. She was the only other girl, she was nice and she didn't have a problem with sharing a sleeping bag with me, but I've already tried it out and for some reason sleeping with her made my nightmares worse, so she was out of the question. In this case, I would have to go with my second option and I already knew who it was.
“What are you doing?” Chilchuck crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow when I laid down on his sleeping bag.
“I'll sleep with you” I announced.
“Don't you have your own sleeping bag?”
“I do. But I don't wanna sleep there. I'm gonna sleep here” I pointed to the sheets below me.
“No, you won't.”
“Yes, I will.”
Instead of insisting, he pulled the sheets from below my body, making me jump away, startled with the sudden movement and let out something between a scream and a meow.
“I didn't spend over half an hour looking through the snow to get you your own stuff for you not to use it!” He said, shooing me away with his hands. I hissed at him, stepping away into the shadows like a scared cat, which was how I felt like.
“Chilchuck, how can you be so mean?! Come, Izutsumi, you can sleep with me” Marcille invited, patting the space by her side.
“I don't want to sleep with you” I replied and threw myself onto my sleeping bag, defeated. I would just have to power through the night. Again. Marcille gasped.
“Look what you did, you traumatized her, now she thinks she has to stay alone”
“I'm sure she'll be fine” Chilchuck replied dryly.
Yeah. I'll be fine. Of course.
I could see the front gate. It was far, far away, but I could get there. I had to. As I ran, every step stinged, but I kept going anyway, I kept going even when the cold wind sent chills down my spine, when my lungs felt like they were going to collapse, every breath harder than the one that came before, even when the pain from my wounds was so terrible I could feel my conscience slipping away, even when I heard steps behind me, especially then. Because if I didn't, if I let the pain win, then it would be in vain, it would all be for nothing and this couldn't happen, I couldn't let this happen, not again…
I slipped. Because I always do. And I always, the door is almost within reach, to the point I feel like I could just stretch my arm and touch it. But I can't. I try to, but it's already too late. It's always too late. I know that now, I knew that then, but I tried to escape anyway, I always do. I scratched and hissed and kicked and bit and I woke up when my enraged screams became ones of pain as my failed attempt was punished.
I woke up covered in a cold sweat that made my fur all sticky and gross and it was still hard to breathe, even though I hadn't actually run. I sat up, looking around again, everyone was asleep, of course. My gaze fell on Chilchuck. He was also asleep and I was sure he wouldn't notice if I sneaked into his bag, I've always been good at being silent and sneaky. I just had to leave before he woke up and he wouldn't even know. Yeah, that was the perfect plan. I got on all fours and slowly but surely started to approach his sleeping bag, moving like a beast hunting its prey, but in this case my prey was a good night of sleep. It took me a little longer because everytime he moved I stopped, but eventually I got there and made myself comfortable by his side, letting out a satisfied sigh as I finished settling down. That was my mistake.
“Izutsumi. What the fuck?” I turned to the side and there he was, fully awake, with his brows furrowed and staring at me with those big, brown eyes of his. However, he whispered and didn't immediately kick me out again, which was good.
“I'm going to sleep with you.” said, thinking that if I put enough conviction in my words he would have no option but to agree.
“I already told you no” He said, sternly, but still keeping his voice low.
“I don't care! I want to!” ‘Please’ I almost added, but you wouldn't catch me saying that word with a knife to my throat. It never got me anywhere.
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose like Maizuru did often. Losing his patience, that's what the gesture meant. I tensed up, expecting to be kicked out again, but he shifted his position so he was facing the ceiling instead of me and stayed silent for a long moment.
“Did you have a nightmare?” said finally.
“Why would you think that?!” I replied, defensive. Was it that obvious?!
“Because your heart is racing. I can hear it from here.” replied calmly, not even looking at me.
“No, you can't ” I scoffed. “Normal people can't hear heartbeats, that much I know.” He pointed at his ear. Oh yeah, he could.
“You're not the only one with good hearing.”
“Right. Well, what if I was? That's none of your business”
“It is when you're in my sleeping bag.”
“I’m not going back” I replied before he could say anything else. He sighed again and got up. I prepared myself to get the sheets pulled from below my body again, but he simply offered me his hand so I could get up.
“I said-”
“Just come with me to get some water so you can calm down. Also so we can talk without waking the others up.”
“I’m not thirsty” I argued, sure that this was all just a plan to get rid of me. Maybe as soon as I held his hand he would push me back into my sleeping back or something. Chilchuck clicked his tongue in annoyance.
“I'm not fucking kicking you out, just get up” he said as if he had read my mind. He did sound genuine and for what I had seen of him so far Chilchuck did have the weird tendency of doing things for others even if they don't ask for it, so maybe he did in fact just wanted to help me calm down. I agreed, not because I wanted his help, but because the more time I could spend without having to be alone again, the better. I didn't accept his hand and got up on my own, however. He grabbed the closest water flask and I followed him to the nearby hall, where we found a fountain, which he used to fill the flask.
“Here. Have some.” said, handing it to me. I shot him a wary look, trying to read his expression and guess his intentions, but I couldn't find any reason not to accept the flask, so I did, taking a small sip.
“Now, what happened?” He asked, after watching me for a moment.
“You already guessed it, didn't you? I had a nightmare” I replied bitterly, not looking him in the eye. I didn't like when people just… knew things about me. It made me feel exposed.
“Yeah, but about what?”
“Why do you care?!”
“So I know what I'm dealing with” he said, starting to sound exasperated.
I shifted my gaze away, refusing to look at him.
“C'mon, Izutsumi.”
“If I tell you, you'll let me sleep with you.” I demanded, crossing my arms. He ran his hand through his hair and went through several emotions.
“Alright ” said finally, defeated. I could've smiled, victorious, if his words didn't also mean I actually had to talk. I took another sip of water, trying to postpone my explanation.
“I was… being chased”
“By what?”
“Some… bad people.”
“Hm.” He hummed, thinking about my words in silence for a second. “Do you think it's Nightmares? Like, the monsters? The ones that were bothering Marcille not too long ago. We could go look inside your pillow.”
“No. I always had those. Since I was a kid. It's fine, I'm used to it by now.”
“Doesn't seem fine. Considering you can't even sleep on your own”
“I'm just not used to sleeping alone, okay?! I used to have company.” I snapped and immediately regretted it. I had already said too much about myself. I crossed my arms tightly against my chest, creating a barrier between me and him and averted my gaze again. “Whatever”
“I get that” he said slowly, after some more silence. I was still looking down, so I couldn't see his face.
“No, you don't!” I didn't need his fake attempts at sympathy, at pretending he knew what I was talking about.
“I do. I also… get dreams like that. Sometimes” Even without seeing his face I could hear it in his tone that he was struggling to say those words out loud. It made sense, Chilchuck didn't look like he was very good with opening up either. I allowed myself to side eye him and see he was also averting my gaze.
“Of being chased?”
“Yeah” said simply.
“By what?”
“Bad people.” He repeated my answer, which frustrated me. That was way too vague.
“What kind of bad people?” I pressed.
“I didn't ask you for details.”
“Yeah, but I'm asking you!” I stomped my foot on the ground.
“Why don't you tell me about yourself before, then?” He challenged, raising his eyebrows while he waited for my answer. I took a step back. That was a low blow, but I wasn't going to give up so easily. Less because I wanted to know and more because of my pride.
“People who kept me in a cage and hurt me. People who didn't treat me like a human, just like a… thing. That kind of bad people. Happy?!” He looked at me, surprised. Clearly, he didn't think I was actually going to answer when he said that. Ha. I win.
“That… actually happened?” finally said, slowly, like he was still thinking about his words as he said them.
“What do you think, idiot?!” I saw myself yelling. Really, I just wanted to stop talking about this. It was already bad to have to go through that again and again in my dreams, I didn't need to be reminded of those memories while I was awake too. “Your turn.” I said and it came out harshly. Good. He was clearly just as happy as I was having to talk about this and before answering he looked for something in his pockets that he couldn't find.
“Fuck. Alright, it was just some…” he said a word I didn't know, it didn't sound like any language I spoke, but from his tone alone I could tell it was an insult, a pretty bad one at that. “Who wanted to use me as bait for a monster, but I managed to escape before they could do that. Guess they didn't see me as human either, or at least not as human as them. A disposable type of human.”
“Did that happen?” I said, because I didn't know what to say. When he said he knew how I felt, I didn't think he actually knew. Well, not really, I'm yet to meet someone who actually knows how I feel, but it was closer than I thought.
“Yeah. When I was around your age.” He said, trying to play it casual, but he was doing a shit job at that, it was clear he was just as bothered by his memories as I was by mine.
“That's… bad?” I didn't mean for it to come out like a question, but I mean, how do you even react to that?
“It is, but I'm over it now. Are you feeling better?” I raised an eyebrow at his sudden change of subject, but decided to be nice and not say anything.
“Hm. If I say I'm, will you make me go back to my own sleeping bag?” My voice came off so small and desperate and I hated it. He didn't need to know how scared I was!
Chilchuck looked at me and when he spoke, his voice was soft, much softer than I had ever heard from him:
“Are they really that bad? The nightmares, I mean”
“No! I just… can't really rest.” Said, defensive. I didn't need his pity.
“Right. “He looked around like he was searching for something and sighed. He sighs a lot. “I'll stay with you”
“Really?!” I said, sounding way more excited than I intended.
“Yeah, let's just go” he said, going back to the room and I followed, this time with no hesitation. A part of me still couldn't believe he actually agreed, but it was amazing that he did. He laid down on his sleeping bag and so did I soon after, deciding to rest my head on his shoulder and wrap my body around his. He shifted a bit under my weight, maybe trying to find a more comfortable position and after he did I watched from the corner of my view as he apparently tried to decide what to do with his hands. At some point, he slowly rested one on top of my head, looking for my expression to see how I felt about that. I nodded. After that, we stayed in an awkward silence for a moment.
It was very different from sleeping with Tade, he was much smaller, like a slightly bigger than average teddy bear, but much warmer too. It was different, but still nice. I could get used to this. It didn't take long for me to fall asleep again and this time I didn't have any nightmares, because I wasn't a scared animal trying to run away anymore. I was safe. Not that I would admit that.