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The whistle of the closing sliding door echoes in the solitude of your thoughts.
The silence lasts for a single, brief moment, before chaos emerges from your mind.
You suppress the yell that threatens to erupt from your chest: distress, exhaustion, and disperation are attempting to claw their way out from your body.
You have lost count of how many loops you have gone through. And you are tired, so very tired, as you drag your feet across the floor and collapse into your bed.
You briefly find yourself asking why you are in such a situation, stuck in a week-long loops with no end in sight. Stuck repeating the same days over and over and over and over and over again, with the same people who are none the wiser.
Except for them, of course.
Your racing mind screeches to a halt at the thought of Setsu. You feel a twisted sense of gratitude towards the universe who allowed you to meet them, albeit the circumstances could have been better.
But you did find the person who would become your best friend in this mess, so maybe, after all, it wasn’t so bad.
You sigh. Finally the screams that dwell in your chest have quieted down, and everything sits still in your private room aboard the D.Q.O. No footsteps echo in the hallways, no sounds come from beyond the walls. Everything stops, and so do you.
It is only the first day of a new loop and the discussion is over for now. Shigemichi has been sent to cold sleep because the walls too have noticed he was lying. Now it is time to rest, or at least that’s what you tell yourself as you close your eyes and try to find a cozy spot in the silence where you can relax.
You wake up from your brief nap thanks to somebody knocking on your door.
You manage to blurt out a “Who is it?” when the calm voice of Setsu makes you jolt on your feet. “Come in!”
And the whistle of the door allows the sight of your friend to greet your eyes.
A small smile curves their lips as they see you.
“Hey.”
“Hey there.”
“Did I wake you up?”
“Oh no, I was just resting a bit”, you hope your hair doesn’t betray your words, but alas, Setsu’s expression doesn’t really change and doesn’t offer an answer.
They take a seat in front of the desk and sigh – a deeper one than usual, you notice – before they ask. “Care for a little brainstorming session to weed out our enemies?”
You furrow your brow. Such conversations weren’t uncommon with Setsu, but they usually happened when you’d stumble across them in the lobby or somewhere else on the ship: they have never specifically entered your room to discuss that.
“Are you alright?” The words are faster than your thoughts.
The question seems to take them off-guard, for their eyes widen. “I am. Why do you ask?”
“You have never entered my room to talk about this. Something is troubling you more than usual, am I right?”
They sigh again, but a weak smile lights their face. “Sometimes I forget how observant you are.”
Setsu looks at you, a certain tint of gratitude rests on their face. “I’m just tired. I want to think about anything but the loops right now, and I thought the discussions would be a good alternative.”
“To be frank, that sounds like the worst possible alternative.”
They chuckle. “Yeah, you’re right. What do you suggest, then? We still have some time before warp begins.”
“Man, I dunno”, you sit on the edge of the bed and dangle your legs a bit. The childish gesture brings some sort of comfort in your mind. “Why don’t you pay a visit to the Rec Room some time? Maybe LeVi can give you a suggestion on what to do to take your mind off of things.”
“Sha-Ming is there.” No more words are needed, and you nod.
“What if we try to put him into cold sleep at the next discussion?”
“That would greatly amuse me, but at the same time I don’t think it’d be right without evidence.”
“You literally threw him out of the air lock a couple of loops ago.”
“He was Gnosia!”
“You didn’t know that yet!”
Setsu bursts laughing and you follow them. They lean a bit over in the chair as the silence is shattered, but you don’t mind, for their laughter is a sound that you’d never get tired of hearing. Too bad it’s so rare, you also find yourself thinking.
As silence fills the space between the two of you once more, Setsu’s face has lighted up, and you are glad that is the case.
“Thank you”, they say. “I needed that.”
“Always at your service”, you bow your head a little, making them chuckle again. “If the Rec Room is out of the question, want to hit up the cafeteria or the lobby?”
“I like watching the fish in the acquarium there”, they say. “It’s relaxing.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.”
“But I don’t think I want to do that just now”, they say before you can invite them for a nice session of fish-watching. “Can we remain here? If you don’t mind, of course.”
“O-oh”, you hope your cheeks aren’t giving away your true feelings. “Sure. I don’t mind.”
“Thank you”, they hug their arms. “It’s just… I don’t really want to see anybody else right now.”
You adjust yourself at the edge of your bed. You won’t be going anywhere for the time being, after all. “Sure. It’s okay.”
They offer you a small smile. “Thank you. Remind me how many debts have I accumulated with you until now?”
“I… huh… no idea?” What are they even talking about? Debts?
Sure, you have helped Setsu quite often during discussions and that one time you both were Gnosia you collaborated so well that you managed to win, but you wouldn’t really expect Setsu to pay for those back. You two were stuck in that weird situation, it was only natural to help each other out, wasn’t it?
“Of course you’d say that”, but their words offer no more explanation to you. You shut your mouth, before you briefly wonder what loop are they even in right now. They have probably seen many more things than you, and you find yourself in awe in front of your friend: a newfound sense of respect seeps into your soul and pride swells your chest.
You are very grateful towards the universe for letting you meet Setsu.
You really should do something to ease their pain.
“Hey”, it is quite a bold idea, you admit to yourself, but if worst comes to worst, they can just say no. “Do you… do you perhaps want a hug?”
Their reaction is pretty much what you expected. The cyan rings around their eyes come out of their hiding as their eyes widen. “W-what?”
“It’s okay if you say no!” You quickly add. “Really. It’s just that, you know, hugs make you feel good and stuff, so…”
“A hug…?” They repeat. Their expression relaxes a bit, and they smile. “Actually…”
They get up from the chair and approach the bed. In the silence of the room, their footsteps seem much louder than they usually are, and you do not know how to feel about that.
Are they angry? Do they want the hug?
You get up from your seat too and prepare yourself for whatever Setsu is scheming about.
Actually, wait, why are you so stressed about this?
“Hey…”, they start, their voice barely a whisper. “Would you mind if….”, their cheeks darken and they look at the floor.
You furrow your brow once more. This is strange. This is not how they’d usually act.
For a moment, the thought that they could be Gnosia hits you, but you quickly discard it. You like to think you have a good idea of the behaviour of the D.Q.O. crew by now, and that was not how Setsu would act as Gnosia. They would be more aggressive, their voice would rise a bit, and they would snap much more easily. In your mind, you attributed these changes to their hatred of being Gnosia. They probably wanted to be done with it as soon as possible and that resulted in their rash personality.
But right now? The soft voice, the vulnerability… no. Setsu isn’t Gnosia. Something else is wrong here.
“I mean…”, their voice snaps you out from your thoughts once again. “Instead of a hug, can I… can I kiss you?”
You suddenly find yourself wishing that they were Gnosia, because that would make much more sense.
Your mind starts screaming, but your face stays still. You want to say many things. You want to ask them what’s going on, if the stress of the loops has affected them so, if a space parasite has somehow controlled their mind or whatever.
But, instead, a simple word comes out from your mouth.
“What.”
Time stops. You wonder if LeVi is watching. Is she noticing the shade of Setsu’s cheeks growing ever redder?
Silence fills the room and shares a seat with embarassment.
“I… huh…”, Setsu stammers and their eyes start darting around the room as if looking for something that can give them a way out. “I mean… is that so weird to ask? We… we are together, aren’t we…?”
“We are what.”
Another chair gets pulled and weirdness shares the show with silence and embarassment.
You have no idea of what’s happening. You feel more confused now than the day you woke up in this ship, without your memories.
“W-wait!” You don’t know what’s happening, but Setsu grabs your hand. “Summon your Silver Key, please!”
The weirdness of the situation doesn’t help and you end up obeying the order. You briefly wonder if it’s an attempt to hide their face. “Let me check something…” they say, as their eyes dart over the info the Key shows them.
Then, they jump, startled. “Oh. Oh. Oh.”
Finally, your mind seems to produce the right words you want to say. “Setsu, what the hell is happening?”
The Silver Key disappears and shows you the surprised expression of your friend.
“I… I messed up. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I’ll be taking my leave.”
They attempt to turn around, but you’re faster and grab their wrist. To be honest, you are sure that they could easily free themselves from your measly grip, but that doesn’t happen. As if caught in a trap, Setsu stays still, eyes low.
Your voice softens. “Setsu…? What’s wrong?”
“I made a mistake”, a dry chuckle. “Don’t… don’t laugh, okay?”
“I’m going to cry if you don’t explain what’s happening.”
“This morning, before the discussion… remember how we exchanged info?”
“I do.”
“And we both summoned our Keys?”
“Yes. What about that?”
“In that occasion, I read the number of the loop you’re in wrong.”
“What.”
“I read the number wrong”, they repeat. “You’re on your 26th loop, aren’t you?”
“I lost count”, you briefly summon your Silver Key to check. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“I thought it was your 86th.”
“Don’t fucking tell me I’m going to be stuck here for 60 more loops.”
Setsu’s eyes widen again and their wrist wriggles under your hand. “I… I shouldn’t have told you that. I keep messing up. I should return to my room and hope that the Gnosia will choose me as their target tonight.”
Ah, so they really aren’t Gnosia. You are glad to know that.
But that doesn’t help your confusion.
“Setsu, please. Can you explain what’s happening, once and for all?”
“Can you try convincing the others that I’m Gnosia tomorrow? So I can end this loop prematurely. I mean, I can throw myself out of the airlock but frankly I want to avoid that.”
“Setsu!”
“Or you could just put me to cold sleep yourself! I taught you how it works, didn’t I?”
You shake their wrist. “Please!”
Their barrage of words finally end with a sigh. Their wrist stops wriggling. “I… I don’t know if I can explain this. It’s better to face a loop without any preconceptions…”
“You just told me that I’m going to go through at least another sixty loops when I was sure I’d be done by my 50th one, and that somehow you and I are together?”
Wow, that sure felt weird to say outloud. You wonder if LeVi is having the time of her life right now, probably snacking a bunch of digital popcorn at the sight of the corniest romance movie ever.
“Listen, I…” Setsu gently frees themselves from your weak grip, and you let them. “Yeah… we are. Not here, at least, but… somewhere, somewhen else?”
“Really?”
They nod. “I’m not going to tell you in which loop it will happen, but yeah. It really wasn’t a serious thing at first, but you seemed keen to let it become real...”
“Holy shit so we’re together?”
They smile. “Yeah, we are”, but then, the shadow of fear clouds their expression. “Is… is it a problem?”
“No! It isn’t. It really isn’t… it’s just…” You need a moment. You’d like to take a step back, but your leg meets your bed. You’re trapped in there, with Setsu so close to you. You pass a hand through your hair.
That couldn’t be true, could it?
You , of all people, together with Setsu?
“It’s just…” you repeat, and you realize that they’re also waiting for a response. “I mean… wait. You were also okay with it?”
“Of course I was”, they don’t hesitate. “And I still am.”
“Really…? I mean…” You aren’t good at lying. Might as well be honest with your feelings. “I’m not going to lie: I did realize that I’ve been harboring feelings for you for the past couple of loops, but you know, I didn’t want to make things awkward and…” you bite your lip. “I mean… I’m not sure I’m enough for you.”
Setsu is simply great. They’re smart, they’re brave, they’re loyal, they’re strong. You can hardly find a fault in them, but you don’t know how much you can trust your feelings about that. You find yourself reminiscing about the sheer sense of awe that had caught you earlier, about their presence, their experiences.
You weren’t sure how Setsu would answer to your confession, but you would have never thought they’d chuckle. You raise your eyes to look at them. They’re smiling, their eyes soft. It’s the same expression they wore when you woke up in that ship, so confused and lost, a speck of dust in the vastity of the universe, when everything was overwhelming and even the smallest event threatened to send you down a spiral. When you asked them who they were, and they responded with their name, that same smile on their face, and kindly took your hand, helped you get up, and explained what they could.
“You said the exact same thing the first time.”
And then, you relax. Your mind stops screaming, your muscles finally let go of all the tension. You feel like you could be floating.
And it dawns on you that everything is alright.
“Some things never change, do they?” You try to joke. They chuckle again.
“Listen”, they fix some strands of hair behind their ear. “I hope you can forgive me if I made you uncomfortable. This is entirely my mistake. I thought this loop was a later one for you, one where we were already together”, they blush once more. “When you asked me if I wanted a hug I thought…”
“It was a happy mistake.”
“Was it, really? You just discovered that you’re going to be stuck in these loops for far longer than you initially thought.”
You shrug. “At least I have something to look forward to.”
“Hehe. I think you’re right.”
They fix their weight on their legs before looking at you. “Forget about my question”, it takes you a moment to remember that they had, indeed, asked you if they could kiss you. “But I was wondering if… actually, no. Forget I said anything, I don’t want to make you more uncomfortable than you already are.”
“We can kiss if you want.”
Their eyes jolt towards yours. “N-no! It’s okay, really.”
“ I wouldn’t mind.”
You’re not sure you wouldn’t actually, but this is too good of an opportunity to pass up. You want to at least try .
“Listen, no. I don’t feel comfortable about this, not like this”, they repeat.
“A-alright.”
You are a bit bummed, but also relieved.
“Can I still have my hug, at least?” You ask.
They chuckle again, and this time the sound almost becomes a full laughter, but something stops them. “I think that’s alright.”
Setsu is the one to approach first: they raise their arms and you barely have any time to think before you’re pulled towards their body. Their body is warm in contrast to the perfect temperature the ship sports in its hallways. Some of the buttons of their jacket and its belts are pressing onto your skin, but you don’t mind. Their cheek touches yours, and you realize how soft their face is. For a brief moment you stay still, the scent of their hair so close that it engulfs you and a strand tickles your nose, before you remember that you’re supposed to reciprocate.
You latch your arms around their back.
They tighten their grip. It is far more firm than you were expecting, but it doesn’t hurt. It feels safe.
So safe, in fact, that you almost want to cry. When you first woke up in that ship, their hand had been so very warm, and your skin so very cold. That warmth led you towards a sense of safety, and Setsu’s kind smile kept you anchored to that weird reality despite the shadows of terror threatening your mind.
You nuzzle your face on the crook of their neck. You relish in the warmth, and you can feel each individual finger of theirs on your back as they pull you towards them even more.
For a very brief moment, everything is alright with the universe.
You are warm.
You are safe.
You love your best friend and they love you back. You aren’t together right now, but you know it will happen.
It feels weird to know, but you feel like you can face the next loops with a lighter heart, now.
And you hope Setsu feels the same.