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The war is won.
Peace is achieved.
Neji is dead.
Time passes.
Life moves on.
Neji is still dead.
These thoughts surface like a never ending loop.
Rock Lee isn’t sure how to quiet it so he just does his best.
What else could he do?
The headstone is shiny, immaculate. He had spent time cleaning it and wiping the snow off it. Snow was starting to accumulate again and he had to resist the urge to brush it off again. He’d be here all night if he gave in.
His gaze moves away from the headstone. Ah it was darker. The sun had dipped into the horizon, leaving the cemetery cold and quiet.
His teeth chatter but he can’t find it in himself to move . Leave.
Neji certainly wouldn’t want him standing around in the snow.
“Do you want to get sick? Because this is how you would get sick,” he can hear his beloved rival say with fond exasperation.
He sniffles then sighs as he eyes the headstone again.
“You’re gonna get sick if you stay out,” a voice says, nearly echoing the words in his head.
That was eerie.
He glances behind him and sees Shikamaru Nara, all bundled up.
Huh. He had thought he was alone all this time.
He thinks about a reply but finds himself without words so he just shrugs.
The other man rolls their eyes before tugging at his arm. “C’mon.”
He begins leading Lee away from the headstone and Lee can’t help but glance back at it.
Goodnight, Neji.
The street lamps are lit as they leave the cemetery.
Rock Lee can’t find the energy to shrug Shikamaru’s hand from his arm. He’s surprised that the advisor-in-training hasn’t let go yet. Maybe it was the sound of Lee’s teeth chattering? Was he somehow trying to pass on some body heat?
They stumble into a nearby bar.
The bar is warm so he doesn’t argue. It made sense to duck into some place still open, warm. His companion wasn’t a genius for nothing.
Shikamaru orders them some oden.
“How have you been?” Shikamaru asks after they sit silently, their bodies thawing out from the cold.
“Okay,” he manages to say.
Brown eyes stare at him, picking him apart. It made him want to turn away.
“Well,” Shikamaru began. “Okay is better than not okay and even then…not-okay isn’t a bad thing.”
Lee doesn’t follow but he doesn’t voice it. He nods as if he understood. Easy peasy. He’s been doing that for months. Usually, people let you be and don’t push.
Shinobi really we’re just emotionally inept sometimes.
Soon there’s oden to eat and Lee doesn’t worry about conversation. He plans to eat, then offer money to help pay for the food, then politely leave. Then…then he’d go home and sit around.
He stuffs his mouth and ignores the uncomfortable heat filling his mouth. He can’t really taste the oden but he knows it tastes good. He’s had it before. He and his squad had frequented this place in the colder months or when the mood struck them. He would try to race Tenten and Neji constantly. The only one that would take him up, if a bit reluctantly, was their squad leader: Gai-sensei.
Right now the oden was just hot and nothing else.
Maybe…this was what being depressed was like? Food is temperature and texture. You are unable to find much joy in most things. And days just go by.. Monotonous and lacking anything real. He felt hollow as he went on his day to day. Directionless. He wasn’t any stronger than yesterday. Maybe he was weaker now.
He tries so hard- he has to keep the real Neji alive inside him.
Then why does everyone feel like they’ve moved on?
Like Neji hadn’t existed. Like Neji hadn’t grown, trained, fought with them- why? Why? Why?
Why was he the only one who seemed damned sad ?
Sometimes he sees Tenten and Gai-sensei visit Neji. Sometimes Hinata and Hanabi are there. He never sees Naruto.
Lee speaks to someone who never answers.
If Neji was alive in his heart then why was it so difficult to get through this?
He finishes his serving of oden and feels a little better. He felt warm and his stomach didn’t feel so sour.
Everything else was questionable.
Slowly he sips water, unaware he was being observed by his companion.
Observed even before this evening.
Then again, it wasn’t lost on others that Rock Lee wasn’t his usual excitable self. Their peers talked. No one was really sure how to approach their fellow ninja.
They were all grieving and dealing with the casualties of war in their own ways.
Shikamaru? He buried himself in studying and work. He had to be a decent advisor for when Naruto became hokage after all. Until then, he would help the current hokage make their village the best it could be. They’ve fought hard for that outcome, after all.
“Finished?”
Lee nodded. “I should…go home.”
“I’ll walk you.”
Lee sighs, looking tired at the suggestion but, again, not arguing.
He was so displeased yet so agreeable.
Shikamaru found it amusing.
They keep bumping into each other at the cemetery.
Rock Lee didn’t know if it was annoying or endearing.
After visiting, Shikamaru would drag him off somewhere to warm up and eat. They would have tired words exchanged, then their night would end with Shikamaru walking him home.
Some days it was annoying.
“Why do you care?” Lee is petulant sometimes.
Shikamaru just sighed. “I don’t need Neji’s ghost pissed at me.”
Lee swallowed then fell silent.
“Neji and I weren’t close,” Shikamaru said. “But I think he’d want me to look out for you.”
Lee had no idea where he’d get that idea but he wouldn’t argue.
“It’s okay you feel numb.”
Lee stared.
“You always let it out but now it’s like…you’ve plugged it all up.” Shikamaru shrugged. “Grief is-“ his breath caught a little, “is a process.”
Distantly, Lee thought of Asuma and Shikaku. Right. Shikamaru understood loss.
“I just feel like…I am doing it wrong,” he finally confessed, voice low.
Shikamaru’s expression wasn’t unkind. “Mm.”
“I feel like…I should be in tears. Constantly. Neji was so-“ Lee’s mouth twisted but no familiar burn behind his eyes came. He swallowed thickly. “I do not understand why I am like this.”
“It’s okay to just stop, Lee. So just let yourself,” Shikamaru advised gently. “Give yourself time.”
“It has been months…”
“And Neji will still be dead.”
Lee sucked in air sharply. He expects himself to feel an explosion of anger to rip through him. He ought to rip Shikamaru apart for saying something so…so…what? Cruel? Truthful?
That was reality. Neji was dead. He would stay dead.
Lee feels cold.
“Just let it be.”
It hurts and yet he can’t seem to react like he should.
Peace was always tentative and they were still a ninja village. Rock Lee was working to be a jonin so he had missions and training to occupy him.
There was also guilt as he found his visits to Neji become less frequent.
Shikamaru assured him that it would be okay.
“You’re alive.” It seems so tactless but Lee could appreciate it. “You have to live your life.”
For Neji but also…for himself.
He’s 19 going on 20 when things slow down. He’s a jonin from hard work and helpful recommendations. He’s visited different lands from taking on so many missions.
“I am trying to add different techniques to my taijutsu,” he tells the headstone. “It still does not come naturally to me but I am working on it.”
The headstone says nothing, its surface was nice and clean. There were flowers settled on the plot. At least Neji wasn’t lonely.
“I think you would figure out how to counter it after I beat you with it a few dozen times,” he says teasingly. “It would be nice to see you thrown around in a spar for once.”
The imagery was almost funny. Would Neji be determined and stubborn like he had been, during their early careers as genin? Neji Hyuga could be just as graceless as him. He was only human after all.
Lee swallowed. “I miss you, Neji.”
He feels that familiar chill run through him. There are no tears or sobs. He is quiet and in that quiet there is guilt. Was he disappointing his beloved rival? Did weeping determine how Lee felt about Neji?
It seemed like it on the battlefield, oh so long ago. Neji laid limp in his arms and he cried while the rest looked on at him in disbelief. Wrong time to grieve. Wrong way to act.
It was slightly better at the funeral, tears ran down his cheeks so easily. He hadn’t been alone as others also wept.
Then the tears stopped. Like his tear ducts were depleted. He had no more to shed for Neji.
There was a heavy balloon in his chest and he wished with all his might it would pop. Surely there would be relief. Maybe even tears.
Just let it be.
Shikamaru’s voice in his head was not unwelcome. He finds himself exhaling a breath he had been unaware of holding. He needed to stop beating himself up about how he felt.
“I think I am going to go now. See you again, my friend.”
As he walks through the cemetery he sees a familiar figure crouched over a grave.
Shikamaru was holding a lit cigarette when he glanced up at him with a crooked smile. “Hey, Lee, just making sure Asuma had himself a smoke.”
The pretty-much-advisor-to-the-hokage looked tired as he stood up.
Lee nodded. “Asuma-sensei always did enjoy his nicotine.”
Shikamaru chuckled. “I think I’ll finish this one for him this time.”
“He will not mind, I think.” Lee tilted his head as a memory surfaced. “I recall him saying something about how those cigarettes were never cheap.”
That got a snort out of Shikamaru. “Yeah, I remember him bitching and moaning about it.” He shook his head, expression fond. “Always bitching about yakiniku and cigarettes so he was always broke.”
Lee chuckled. “Then you inherited the bill.”
“Don’t get me started.”
“Well, if you like I think I can foot the bill this time if you would like to join me.”
Shikamaru puffed on his cigarette. “Mmm I could go for some yakiniku.”
Lee waited for Shikamaru to finish up and the two headed for the restaurant.
“Thank you,” Lee finds himself saying.
“For what?”
He shrugged, feeling a little shy. “Helping me with…with things. I did not realize what you were doing for a long time.”
For a long time it felt like it was pity and it made Lee angry but he couldn’t express it. His feelings were so muted. Anger was so familiar and he usually dealt with it by being physical, but he found himself unable to retreat into that mindset. No angry haze of punching or kicking or running. No seeing red. He instead felt stuck. Frozen.
“You were lost for a while but it’s okay,” Shikamaru said. “Everyone gets lost once in a while.”
Shikamaru was just pushing him to not be an idiot, continuing to stand around frozen. He needed to eat. He needed to live. He could dwell but he wasn’t going anywhere like that. Miserable and angry at others for going through their own grief differently than him.
Lee nodded and they fell into a comfortable silence.
“Race you!” He exclaimed once he could smell the grilling meats nearby.
Shikamaru huffed. “I am not racing you.”
Lee bounced on his feet, pretending not to hear him, as he declared: “First one there gets the last piece of meat!”
“Lee, I am not-“
Lee took off with a laugh.
He grinned as he glanced back and saw Shikamaru half heartedly jogging. He slowed down and the other man huffed in annoyance.
“What are you doing?”
“I am making it fair.”
“You’re being an ass.”
Lee just laughed some more. “You want that last piece of meat!” He said in a sing-song voice.
Shikamaru huffed but then broke into a full sprint.
Lee couldn’t help but stop and laugh, holding on to his belly as he did.
This was ridiculous. They were ridiculous.
Lee joined Shikamaru at the front of the restaurant. The other man’s cheeks were flushed but he was grinning that crooked grin of his.
“I win.”
Lee shook his head. “I do not go back on my word. You get the last piece of meat.”
“Damn right.”
Lee clapped his back. “Indeed.”
It was nice seeing this facet of Shikamaru. It reminded him of when Neji began to open up to his team. He began to get in on teasing and laughing. He smiled more. He felt real and human.
Shikamaru looked less tired and it made Lee feel…good? He shrugged away the feeling but there was something about it. His cheeks flushed, eyes brighter than usual and then of course that grin.
Of course Shikamaru was also real and human.
What a silly train of thought. Something to unpack later. Maybe.
Just let it be.
Maybe that was advice that could cover many things.
And so he and Shikamaru sat and shared grilled meats.
Lee would let it be and whatever happened next would just be. And that was okay. Better than not-okay.
Sick of his thoughts, Lee shoved some meat in his mouth.
Let it be.
The last piece of meat sizzles on the grill and Shikamaru stares at it in a daze.
He probably wasn’t used to eating so much at yakiniku.
Lee picked up the meat causing Shikamaru to quirk a brow. He felt maybe they wouldn’t argue if he decided to eat it after promising it to him. Lee felt a weird tug in his gut. That didn’t seem right.
Lee offered to them, as if moving to feed them.
Shikamaru stared, eyes a little wider as his cheeks pinked.
Lee continued to push the morsel, opening his own mouth out of reflex. Say ah, he almost wanted to say.
It was spontaneous and not all that appropriate but Lee found himself not caring.
Let it be.
Shikamaru finally opened his mouth to the offering and Lee grinned.
—
You’re alive. You have to live your life.
Something burned inside Rock Lee. Years ago, maybe he would chalk it up on his youth. He was in the springtime of youth so of course he felt the gusher of it bursting out of him. But this seemed different.
It was so alive and tangible, he could almost taste it.
It coursed through his veins and Lee felt so alive.
Normally, Shikamaru would have walked Lee home but not tonight. Tonight, Lee will walk Shikamaru home.
Shikamaru, who walked in a daze with cheeks still powered pink even after they’ve left the restaurant.
Lee held their hand and he found himself unopposed.
There it was again, that feeling, that spark.
It imbued Lee with boldness as soon as he delivered Shikamaru to his doorstep, he placed a kiss on their hand.
Shikamaru stared again, still silent from his mystifying experience at the restaurant.
“Goodnight,” he finally manages to say.
Lee smiled. “Goodnight.”
He could feel reluctance as Shikamaru finally took his hand back.
The visits to the cemetery became less of a precondition to Lee and Shikamaru spending time together.
Lee would openly find himself bringing Shikamaru lunch at the Hokage mansion. Then they would sit on the roof and look at clouds together. Lee never knew there were so many different clouds.
“What are we doing,” Shikamaru whispered to him one day.
“Digesting lunch?”
“No, you know what I mean…what is this?”
Lee stared up at the sky. Wispy clouds blotted along the blue. Wispy…hmm…cirrus clouds?
“I am living my best life,” he says before turning to look at Shikamaru. “What about you?”
Shikamaru scoffed. “Lee.”
“Shikamaru," Lee said back.
That made him roll his eyes.
“I want you to live your best life too,” Lee says before he can stop himself. “Let me help you?”
Shikamaru’s expression softened. “What if I don’t deserve that?”
“Then I say that is a load of schist.”
Shikamaru burst out into laughter. “Schist?!”
“Yes, a load of it.”
“Gods…why are you like this?”
Lee smiled then after a beat or so. “So how about it?”
Shikamaru sighed. “I don’t know, Lee.”
“That is okay.” He shifted closer. “As someone wise once told me: let it be.”
Brown pinpricks bored into his dark orbs.
“You won’t give up, will you?”
“You did not give up on me,” Lee countered.
Shikamaru released a breath, then with a shy clumsiness he pushed in for a kiss.
Lee closed his eyes and as soon as it happened it was over.
“Okay.”
“Okay is better than not-okay.” Lee grinned.
“I almost regret saying words to you, Rock Lee.”
Lee just laughed.
“Did you ever beat Uncle Neji in a fight?”
Lee chuckled at his son’s question. “No, never.”
Metal looked disappointed. “How come?”
“I just never had a chance to go all out before he died,” Lee said, tone a little somber.
“You miss him.”
Lee nodded before ruffling his son’s hair. “Everyday.”
Metal’s face scrunched as he moved to fix his hair. “How can you miss someone everyday??”
Lee glanced toward where his husband and other son were paying respects to Shikaku. Shikamaru’s eyes never left Shikadai as the little boy spoke to his grandfather. The sight made Lee swallow thickly.
He returned his gaze to Metal. “When you make connections with precious people they occupy your heart,” he explained. “Your heart has infinite room.”
Metal looked at his chest, trying to comprehend his words.
“Sometimes people leave us but not completely.”
Lee sighed, eyes falling onto Neji’s grave. “We remember them and we miss them.”
“Ohh…like when Dai goes to classes and I can’t go.”
Lee nodded. “Yeah, kind of like that.”
Metal sighed. “I don’t like that feeling.”
Lee leaned down to scoop him up into his arms. “It just means Shikadai means a lot to you.”
Metal nodded. “He is precious.”
“And so are you.”
“Metal!” Shikadai came running over to them and Lee found himself scooping him up to join Metal in his arms.
The two giggled together.
Shikamaru joined them. “Asuma’s next.”
Lee nodded. “Lead the way.”
Time passes and there is sadness and anger and peace and death and love and life. The thoughts will run together if you let it. And for a while, Lee did but along the way he found the thoughts begin to quiet.
It took a while but he got there eventually.
Metal reached to hug his brother and Shikadai returned the gesture.
Lee’s eyes began to water as their family stopped at Asuma’s grave.
“Aww papa don’t cry,” Shikadai said, looking up at him.
Lee sniffled then shook his head with a smile. “No, I think I will let it be.”
He shared a look with Shikamaru, who just smiled tightly.
“I am okay.”
And he was.