Chapter Text
- - -
The hallway outside the dorms smelled like old carpet, cafeteria mystery meat, and the faint ozone of overworked Dust lamps. Jaune Arc trudged along with the rest of the combined chaos of Teams RWBY and JNPR, shoulders slumped under the weight of another day of lectures, sparring, and trying not to think about the mountain of homework waiting in his room.
Jaune was already daydreaming about collapsing face-first into his pillow when Blake suddenly stopped.
“Wait,” she said, ears twitching under her bow. “The empty dorm next to ours has lights on.”
Ruby tilted her head. “Huh? I thought that room was still under renovation or something.”
Weiss crossed her arms. “Probably another transfer student. Or a very confused janitor.”
Jaune, being the tallest and therefore the designated human periscope, sighed and stepped forward. He cracked the door open just enough to peek inside.
Then Nora pushed the door open the whole way, though the occupants of the room didn’t react.
The walls were a living conspiracy board: newspaper clippings, magazine pages, printed screenshots, and hand-drawn maps pinned everywhere. Colorful strings—red, blue, yellow—crisscrossed the room like a spider had lost its mind and decided to become an interior decorator. In the middle of it all stood a woman in a very tight, very tactical purple outfit that left very little to the imagination, crossbow resting casually on her hip. Next to her, pinning another red string to a photo of what looked suspiciously like an Ice Cream Shop, was a familiar trench-coated figure with no face.
“Oh… hey, Uncle Question. Is this the infamous girlfriend we’ve been hearing about?” Jaune asked cheerfully.
The faceless man turned. “Nephew! Excellent timing. The web is tightening.”
Weiss groaned.
“He’s back?!”
“I never left,” Question stated dryly.
The woman—Huntress—grinned like a shark who’d just spotted a tasty swimmer. “Cool it, Schnee,” she said before Weiss could even open her mouth. “I’m just visiting my husband and my nephew. How’s it going, Jaune?”
Jaune blinked. “It’s going well… Husband? When did that happen? Last I heard you two were only dating?”
Question adjusted a pin with clinical precision. “That’s classified.”
Jaune groaned again, louder. “Uncle… you know how mad Mom and Dad are going to be! They’d be so upset at missing the ceremony… Heck, I’m a little upset!”
His eyes drifted across the wall and landed on a cluster of articles. “And again with the Valean Girl Scouts?!”
Question’s voice was grave. “Their secrets will be revealed. Mark my words.”
Huntress laughed and slung an arm around Question’s shoulders.
“In the meantime, introduce me to your little harem!”
Jaune’s face went scarlet. “It’s not a harem!”
Ruby puffed her cheeks. “Yeah! I’m not sharing!” She paused, then added brightly, “Well… maybe with Yang.”
Weiss sputtered like a teakettle. Pyrrha’s smile turned razor-sharp.
“Over my dead body, hussies,” Pyrrha stated.
Blake placed a hand on her stomach with theatrical dignity. “I’m carrying his child!”
Nora leaned in, squinting. “But you’re not getting fatter, Blakey!”
Blake hissed, “Hush you!”
Question didn’t even look up from his strings. “Could be the result of the sterility drugs Atlas has been secretly putting in the ramen toppings they’ve been shipping to Vale. You may want to get an ultrasound, Ms. Belladonna-Arc.”
Jaune slammed his head against the doorframe. “UNCLE! NOT MARRIED!”
Huntress looked Jaune up and down with a smirk. “Walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, hisses like a duck…”
Blake rubbed the back of her neck. “Um… well… maybe a little. I panicked when Aunt Yoruichi started asking questions.”
Yang barked a laugh. “HA!”
Blake glared. “I wouldn’t be talking, considering you’re fake-engaged to him too!”
“Yeah but at least he agreed to the fake engagement with me!”
Question kept pinning strings, utterly unfazed. “Dear nephew, it’d just be easier to accept the harem. It’d be easier than watching them fight and having to deal with conflicting stories otherwise.” He held out a hand without looking. “Honey, where’d you put my red strings? I need them for this final tie-down.”
Huntress produced a fresh spool like it was a bouquet. “Right here, sweetie.”
Weiss pointed. “So… your name is… What?”
“Huntress.”
Ruby tilted her head. “Oooh! Like, your made-up name? ’Cause that’s… still kind of boring!”
Question’s head snapped toward her. “I wouldn’t antagonize her if I were you, little missy. She’s castrated men for less.”
“But I’m not a man!” Ruby protested. “And it’s still super boring!”
“Very boring,” Yang said.
Question gave the final string a tug.
“Almost there… the truth will come out…”
Huntress’s smirk was downright devious.
“Oh? You think so, little girl?”
Yang, never one to back down, grinned. “How good is she with such a generic name?”
A crossbow bolt whistled past Yang’s ear and buried itself in the wall behind her.
Huntress raised an eyebrow. “Any more questions?”
Yang swallowed. “Any—anyone could shoot a crossbow!”
Two more bolts zipped by, one on each side of her head, close enough to ruffle her hair.
Jaune stepped fully into the room, arms out. “Uncle! Can you please ask your wife to stop threatening my friends!”
Question didn’t look up.
“Sorry, no can do, nephew. Tonight’s funtime, and I want her happy for that.”
Huntress’s grin widened.
Question pinned one last clipping.
“Honey, those goons we beat up earlier—were they Valean or Vacuan? I forget.”
“Vacuoan. The accent.”
“Ah, yes, thank you, dear.” Question turned to the group. “Are we getting Jaune and his harem to tag along on tonight’s escapades?”
Jaune threw his hands up. “It’s not a harem! Ren and Nora aren’t part of it!”
Nora perked up. “Well, you never asked!”
Jaune’s voice dripped sarcasm. “Well, Nora! Do you and Ren want to be part of my growing harem?!”
Nora tapped her chin. “Hmmm… I mean, you’re pretty hot, but Renny’s my Renny! Will you accept him too?”
Ren, deadpan as ever, said, “I have no interest in you, Jaune. Not in that way.”
Jaune banged his head against the wall repeatedly.
Huntress chuckled.
“Honey, I think Jauney’s friends broke him!”
Question tilted his head. “Jaune, it’s perfectly fine if you’re attracted to a man… especially one like that young man…” He paused. “You’re sure that’s a man?”
Ren made a choking, sputtering noise.
Nora puffed out her chest.
“HE’S ALL MAN!”
Question clapped once. “Jaune, Jaune’s harem, and friends—would you all like to come beat up baddies?”
Ruby’s eyes lit up like fireworks. “WOULD WE!”
‘Yang cracked her knuckles. “What kind of baddies?”
Question’s voice dropped to a dramatic whisper. “Baddies acting as the vanguard for a secret cabal using a once innocent organization as a front for a drug-running operation.”
“Who? Who?” Ruby demanded.
Question held up a pamphlet of the Girl Scouts of Vale.
Silence fell. Weiss blinked slowly.
“…Are you kidding?”
Question adjusted his trench coat. “I never kid.”
Jaune’s forehead was now bleeding a little from all the wall-banging. “Never… it’s… kinda his
thing…”
Question continued, utterly serious. “Don’t hesitate to take them down. They won’t hesitate to gun you down.”
Weiss’s voice went up an octave. “He’s kidding, right?” She asked again.
Question glanced at his wife. “Honey, the one in white is asking too many questions. I don’t like her.”
Huntress’s eyes sparkled as she pulled out a roll of duct tape and a handful of zip ties. Weiss gulped.
“Oh goody! I can bind her.”
Jaune stepped between them. “No binding her.”
Question sighed. “She’s either on board, or she’s a threat. And we restrain threats.” He looked at Huntress. “Honey?”
Jaune waved his hands frantically. “No no no! She won’t betray us! She’ll go along with us!”
“What?!” Weiss hissed.
Ruby bounced. “We are?!”
Jaune groaned. “No we aren’t!”
“I say we are!” Ruby growled.
Question pinned one final string. “Dear nephew, are you going to stop me, or can I at least count on you to not stop or report me and my dear wife whom you’re upsetting by turning down her generous invitation?”
Jaune’s shoulders sagged. “It’s not like that would stop you.”
Huntress smirked. “Huh. He can learn.”
Question turned back to the board. “Now then, another question… have any of you been eating the cafeteria syrup lately?”
Nora’s hand shot up. “OOH! ME! MEEE!”
Question nodded solemnly. “You’re gonna wanna pump your stomach, missy. Vale secretly puts in a chemical that makes you susceptible to mind-control techniques they use on radio waves and television.”
Nora gasped in betrayal. “NO! SYRUP! HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME?!”
“Still, are we really going on another vigilante expedition?” Weiss demanded. “Again?”
Yang turned to Weiss with a smile.
“Come on Weiss-cream. You really have to ask that? Of course we’re going!”
Ruby nodded.
“Absolutely!”
“Well I’m not,” Weiss stated. “I’m absolutely NOT going to join you once again on your crazy misadventures!”
“Of course you are,” Blake said wryly.
“NO I WON’T!”
- - -
Later in Vale…
Weiss was mid-swing at a very short, very angry “Girl Scout” wielding a comically oversized cookie tin like a club.
“WHY ARE WE FIGHTING GIRL SCOUTS?!”
“I explained this already,” Question explained, punching another miniature drug runner square in the face, trench coat flaring dramatically. “Because they’re not Girl Scouts! They’re midgets! Filthy drug-peddling midgets acting as runners for drugs coming in from Vacuo to fuel an Atlas conspiracy!”
“SERIOUSLY?!”
From somewhere down the street came the rev of an engine and Huntress’s delighted shout. “ON IT!”
Pyrrha kicked another midget, punting the imposter into a dumpster. She grinned in a feral way.
“Heeheehee! This is hilarious!”
“I’m worried about Pyrrha, Ruby!” Weiss cried.
Ruby punted another midget into the same dumpster and giggled.
“I’m not!”
“Me neither!” Yang laughed, tossing two more midgets, “Oh this is just hilarious!”
“YANG!” Nora cried, “SAVE SOME FOR ME!”
“CAN DO!”