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It's not unusual for them to touch. Bumping shoulders, patting each other’s back, touching arms, colliding fists is their usual and normal .
This is not their usual and normal.
It’s been a week since Buck’s back on the job. The lightning strike was - well - an experience, he’d rather keep at the back end of his mind. The doctors believed he would experience changes, both physically and mentally, but he’s experienced zero changes except for his patience that wears thin exceptionally fast nowadays with everyone hovering over him as if he’s about to double over and die.
The only change that stands stark against the rest of it all is the touch . More specifically, Eddie’s touch .
Buck’s a tactile person so it’d be pretty hypocritical of him to judge Eddie being touchy . But the thing is, this is not just anyone, this is Edmundo Diaz. Eddie is - well - Eddie . Genius conclusion, Buck. Earth-shattering findings actually.
No, But this is Buck’s Eddie and Buck knows Eddie and these are not their usual everyday touches where they encourage each other, offer silent comfort through simple and short-lived eye contacts.
This is different .
Eddie’s hand feels more heavy as it lands on his shoulder; thumb fitting perfectly in the dip of his throat, near his clavicle, a breath above his frantic pulse. Is it weird to notice that? Buck thinks he gets a pass given his current predicament.
Eddie’s eyebrows pinches whenever Buck rubs his sternum and Buck ignores the way Eddie’s eyes fixate on his chest. Just slightly unhinged, since Buck’s caught him staring more than enough times and the guy doesn't seem deterred at all, on the contrary his eyes get a challenging glint as if daring Buck to mention it or call him out on his unusual behavior.
Eddie’s breath comes out ragged and heavy through the phone’s speaker one fine evening. Buck’s a liar. Nothing about that evening was fine. The weather was shit and Buck wanted to crawl out of his skin until Eddie’s voice filtered through his phone and he realised Eddie sounds equally breathless if not more.
Eddie’s gaze is lingering with just enough suppressed longing that Buck feels like he’s delusional or maybe the lightning did alter his brain chemistry.
He feels like he’s teetering on the cusp of insanity by the end of his third week out of the hospital. Something’s wrong with Eddie. Something is very very wrong with Eddie.
Buck realises a few things in the upcoming days.
1. Eddie’s eyes are always fixed on him whenever he thinks Buck’s not looking.
It was an ordinary Tuesday morning. Buck walked into the fire-station, exhausted out of his mind, dead on his feet. The maintenance department thinks it’s funny to work on maintenance at the most ungodly hours of the night.
Buck barely had any sleep and it didn't help that Eddie was running down the stairs the moment Buck staggered. He sighed, practically throwing his duffle bag to the ground, definitely not like a petulant child. He was just tired. Eddie opened his mouth but Buck beat him to it.
“No,” He groaned, the word was said with just enough annoyance that had Eddie’s lips quirk up in a small smile reserved just for him. “I know what you’re going to say and no, I’m not fine and it’s because I didn't get enough sleep last night. Maintenance was hammering away all night. I really need to lie down or get caffeine in my system. You decide.”
Buck learned the hard way that Eddie would be less insufferable and fidgety with his concern if he had some sort of control over the situation. Though, he did fail to contain the gasp of surprise and something else when Eddie’s hand landed between his shoulder blades. When had he moved so close?
“Come on, Cowboy. Let’s get you comfortable.”
He wanted to argue that he was very much comfortable, right where he was, between Eddie’s gentle and careful hands but that would be insane. Buck decided to ignore the way Eddie’s hand clenched around his shirt at the nickname and the way he looked away just for an instance.
Eddie was keeping an eye on him, Buck realised belatedly. The first time he notices is when he sees Eddie’s reflection in the mirror. He’s staring at Buck through the mirror and he doesn't look away even when Buck catches him.
The second time he doesn't even notice. It’s Ravi who points out that Eddie is staring daggers in their general direction for some reason. Buck doesn't even have to look back to know Eddie is, indeed, staring but it’s with an observant glint. He’s on guard for some reason.
The third time, he can’t ignore it even if he wants to. He was napping in the bunks. The farthest bunk from the door to avoid anyone disturbing him to catch up on some much needed sleep. He did sense the mattress shift but chalked it up to exhaustion. It's when he wakes up that he realises that Eddie is sitting at the foot of the bunk with a concentrated look, staring at his hands. Buck knows Eddie was looking at him just before Buck woke up.
He sits up with a content sigh and brushes shoulders with Eddie. He is wearing sleeveless, so the shiver that courses through him doesn't go unnoticed by Eddie who gives him one of those looks. Buck sniffles and pulls away just a bit, not surprised in the slightest when Eddie’s warmth chases after his cold body. He can’t help the smile when Eddie presses closer with intent. He’s warm and Buck doesn't have the heart to pull away again, so he settles beside him.
“What’s going on, Eddie?”
Eddie doesn't tense up, doesn't even move a single muscle and Buck still recognises the barely there shift in his eyes.
“Why do you look at me like that?” He asks when Eddie doesn't answer him.
“Like what?” Eddie counters and Buck wants to laugh because Eddie knows Like what . He doesn't. He simply bumps into Eddie a little dramatically before resting his head on Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie hasn't looked at him since he woke up and Buck thinks that Eddie wouldn't want Buck to see him after what he’s about to say.
“Like I’m going to disappear if you look away.”
“Won’t you?” It’s small, vulnerable and it cracks Buck’s heart clean right through the middle. He tentatively puts a hand on Eddie’s hand that rests on his thigh. He didn't even notice when it migrated there.
“Never. Not if it’s you and Chris I have to leave behind.”
They don't talk about it again but Eddie looks settled for the rest of the shift and Bobby gives him a pat on the back when the shift ends so he thinks it’s progress no matter how small.
2. Eddie’s body is always tense, in a constant state of fight or flight mode, around him .
He doesn't notice it at first. His mind is always on a one track route when in gear. Hyper-focused on the job at hand. So it's not surprising that he catches a glimpse of this particular change when they are not tending to some patient on a call. Buck knew he was pushing himself. He hadn't eaten anything despite Bobby’s insistence.
The medicines had left an ashen taste in his mouth. He’d wake up in the middle of the night with a fever but it’ll go away by the next morning. The doctor said it was normal to have these symptoms and they’ll go away eventually so he didn't worry about it.
His sugar drops and God-forbid it happens while he’s sitting on a comfy couch. No no no no…. It had to happen when he was climbing the stairs to the loft. He doesn't even register the sway but somebody does. Eddie does.
“Buck!”
He doesn't even notice Eddie rushing towards him and gently lowering him on the stairs. He cowers towards Eddie’s warmth, burrowing his face in Eddie’s chest. He feels cold suddenly.
“Hen! He’s shaking!”
Who's shaking? He wants to ask but can’t gather enough energy to move his tongue.
“He hasn’t eaten anything for God knows how long!”
That’s Bobby and he’s pissed, his brain supplies unhelpfully. He does not whine but it’s a near thing. His stomach is turning. He’s going to throw up.
“Help me.”
Eddie sounds so scared and he wants to see Eddie’s face, hold it between the palms of his hands and tell him that it’s going to be alright, only if his stupid head would stop spinning for a fucking second.
He wakes up on the couch with a very concerned Eddie sitting on the table. He sits up with a groan and oh no, apparently that’s the wrong thing to do. His world tilts on the axis and he feels something trying to crawl up his throat. Eddie’s beside him in an instant, rubbing his back with gentle and warm hands.
He shudders before slumping against the warmth of one Eddie Diaz who immediately gathers him in his arms and presses his forehead against Buck’s hair. He thinks he feels the gentle brush of lips. Barely there, just lingering. He doesn't comment on it. His heart aches just a little when Eddie replaces his lips with his fingers as they run through Buck’s disheveled curls.
“Don’t do that again. Please. I got scared when you collapsed.”
“You caught me just in time.”
Eddie doesn't say anything and Buck sighs knowing they aren’t going to talk about this either. Another thing for him to gruel over during sleepless nights in his cold and empty loft.
Buck notices it the second time though. Eddie’s tense beside him when he’s treating a drunken college girl who’s sautéed her hair with a heat curler after a wild night with the girls. Hen and Chim are busy trying to hydrate the other girls and Eddie is helping Buck get the curler out of the blonde girl’s hair.. She keeps trying to swat at him. Eddie looks annoyed but put together but Buck’s about to blow up if she doesn't hold still.
They don't want to rip her scalp. It's like the curler is welded with her hair. She’s rightfully concerned about her hair but her hair is very low on the priority list given her skin was sizzling when they first arrived.
She snatches her arm out of Buck’s loose hold and tries to swat away his hand when he reaches for her. Buck’s eyes widen as he realises he’s about to get backhanded. His eyes fall shut involuntarily but the hurt never lands.
He slowly blinks open his eyes to two pairs of wide eyes. The girl’s are mixed with guilt but it’s Eddie’s eyes that have him flinching slightly. He catches the slightly murderous intent that is slowly fading away giving way to pure concern. Buck looks down to where Eddie’s hand is holding onto the girl’s wrist. Oh
“Watch it.”
He’s never heard Eddie use that tone on a patient before.
It happens again after a few days. They are trying to get a man out of a totaled car and Buck gets the panic but he also doesn't want to go home with a black eye or worse no eye , ok he’s being overdramatic. The man’s elbow comes flying towards him and he doesn't have the time or space to duck away from the impact. It doesn't land again . This time he’s ready for…
He is not ready. Eddie’s hand cups the man’s elbow and Buck can’t see the man’s face but he sees Eddie’s and that’s enough. Eddie is looking at him with wide eyes but instead of the murderous intent, there’s mild irritation as if he was expecting something like this but it is still a minor inconvenience.
Any other time Buck would have found this hilarious but there’s something he’s missing. Eddie was focused on his job. He was…and yet…and yet…
“How did you know he was going to,” He trails off with a choked up chuckle, later when they are in the rig, on their way back. “He was panicking. Of course. You were looking at him,” He finished, a huff pressed between his lips trying to make it seem like the most obvious thing in the world.
“I was looking at you. ”
Eddie says and Buck feels his whole world come to a sudden halt. He turns to look at the others and it seems like no one heard it. Eddie seems unbothered, eyes still fixed on him, just him .
“Thanks”
Eddie shrugs and turns to look out the window. Somehow Buck knows Eddie is still looking at him. He doesn't know how but he does. He moves his shoulder and grimaces. He did try to get away from the man’s flying elbow. He did slam his shoulder in his failed attempt. He looks up and Eddie is looking at him. His lips turn up in a victorious smirk when Eddie flushes and quickly looks away. Oh
Eddie is in a constant state of fight or flight and he actively chooses ‘fight’ every single time.
3. Eddie hovers subtly . He makes it seem like he’s not hovering when he’s clearly hovering.
Buck gets sick. Maddie’s busy with Jee-Yun who is sick as well. Buck decides to stay in his bed since it’s his off. He is miserable. He is delirious with the fever so much so that he doesn't hear the key turning and the door slamming into place in the quiet of his loft.
He feels the bed dip but doesn't have the energy to turn around. Eddie .
“Chris acts all tough but the moment he is in bed with a fever he turns into that 9 year old I brought here from Texas all those years ago. Abuella said I should get some rest but I was feeling anxious.”
He groans to let Eddie know that he’s listening to some capacity. He feels Eddie tense up behind him where his back is slightly touching Eddie’s back.
“Buck? You ok?”
The bed shifts again and Eddie doesn't wait for his answer. Buck gasps when a cold hand rests on his shoulder. “Shit, you’re burning up! Why didn't you call me, man?”
“I’m fine, Eddie” And it sounds like a big fat lie to his own ears too. His throat feels scratchy and his eyes hurt and his head is throbbing and he feels like hurling and Eddie is leaving… Eddie is leaving?!!
“Eddie!” He sits up abruptly which doesn't help the dizziness. “Woah! Woah there, buddy.” Suddenly there are hands on him. A firm hand pushes him back down. “Stay Buck.”
“Eddie” He sounds like he’s on the verge of tears and it sure does feel like it too. His hand flails in the air and Eddie catches it. Always. He leans over Buck with a smile. His other hand comes up slowly and brushes under Buck’s eye. “There you are. Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Don’t go.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Buck,” He says, fingers brushing Buck’s sweaty curls out of his eyes. “Aw man, you must feel like shit.”
“Thanks for the reminder.”
“Nothing Abuela’s soup can’t fix.”
Buck sneezes and Eddie rushes up the stairs. Buck coughs and he’s in training to break the Olympic record for the fastest man on Earth. Buck sniffles and Eddie is just standing there with his big sad brown eyes. Every time he comes rushing at the slightest prospect of Buck dying, he makes a quip or pokes fun at Buck.
Buck knows what he’s doing but he doesn't call him out on it.
“Eddie, I’m fine.”
“You didn't call me. You were sick and you didn't call me.” It sounds accusing but Eddie just looks devastating with the small soup bowl in his lap.
“It’s not like I was dying.”
He wishes he could take that back when he sees Eddie flinch and the soup splashes in the bowl.
“Don’t say that.”
“Sorry.”
In the quiet of the loft Eddie feeds him the soup.
4. Eddie ‘I do not panic’ Diaz panics a lot more than he used to.
It’s always been BuckandEddie and EddieandBuck. Their coworkers know, their captain knows, their families know, their partners knew. So it's not like it’s weird for them to be attached at the hip. But after the lightning something has shifted and Buck suspects Bobby is aware, with the way he and Eddie share The glances. He decides to ask Bobby at the end of the shift. He never gets around it.
They are called to a bar. A bar fight. Of course. They share a judgmental glance with one another before Hen and Chim start to tend to the man with half a beer bottle stuck in his arm and Eddie moves to check on the one whose nose is bleeding. The manager shuffles over to Buck with a nauseous look. “Oh I’m so getting fired. Um there’s another uh patient. If you could…”
Buck sighs and turns to him. “Show me the way.”
He informs Hen and follows behind the manager. As soon as he steps away from his team, a strange feeling coils around his stomach. Shit. He feels his heart thrum in anxiety. His eyes darted around looking for something…someone. He was fine! He was fine goddamnit!
His eyes widened when the noise of a crash echoed in the bar just a few centimeters away from him. Shit shit shit shit . He rushed towards the sound despite his instinct telling him to run in the other direction.
Two bulky men were throwing punches at each other.
“You take that back!”
“What if I don't!”
Buck ignored the red and blue lights flashing in his head and got between them. He planted his hand firmly on both of them and pushed them apart. “Knock it off!”
“This is between us! Get out of here.”
“Sir, you are getting in the way of an emergency. Please step back.”
“Yeah, listen to the big, strong man, Jarred. Just the way you like ‘em. He’s blonde too! Do you wanna fuck him too?!”
Jarred most definitely didn't like any of what was said. Buck fought against the urge to shrink back. He felt his skin crawl. This wasn't a simple fight.
“How many times do I have to tell you Harry came onto me Billy!”
“Oh you poor thing! Did fucking him help you or him?”
Jarred groaned and tried to push past Buck. This was getting out of hand. “Woah! Woah! Stop!”
Jarred’s eyes that had been fixed on Billy shifted to Buck and something like rage erupted behind them. Fuck.
His eyes darted around in search of… Eddie. That's what it was. He didn't have Eddie. After the lighting, this was the first time he didn't have Eddie nearby, within reach. He felt his heart drop from between the crevices of his ribs. Shit!
“I don't know what’s the problem here but you guys can sort it out like–”
Unfortunately for him, Jarred didn't want to do the mature thing. Buck gasped as Jarred pushed him into the nearby wall with enough force to knock the air out of his lungs. Buck squirmed as Jarred pushed closer. He turned his face away from the man when he leaned forward. “Did Harry send you?”
Buck wanted to groan and spit and snarl and maybe yell too. “I don't even know who that is! Get off me!”
“What if I don't?”
Buck felt his breath stutter in his lungs. “He wouldn’t like it,” He said, voice barely above a whisper. He didn't even know where it came from. No, he knew. It came from his heart.
“Speak up you bastard!”
“I said, Eddie wouldn’t like it!”
“Who’s Eddie?”
Buck didn't have the time or opportunity to answer the man as a flying mass collided with the man and Buck flinched back into the wall.
“I’m Eddie.”
Eddie.
Buck let out a laugh that was more relief than humour as he looked down at Eddie who had tackled the man to the ground. Eddie, who was looking at him.
“You good?”
“Never been better.”
That was a stupid thing to say but it made the crease between Eddie’s brows disappear so Buck didn't regret it as much. Hen was trying to talk to him but he couldn't look away from where Eddie was putting zip-ties around the man’s wrists as he yelled and writhed trying to shove Eddie who was relentless. Gone was the gentleness he uses to handle Buck with.
“Shut your mouth! He tried telling you I wouldn’t like it.”
He winced when Hen’s hand brushed his wrist. She looked apologetic as she massaged it gently. “That’s going to bruise,” she said with a little huff. “I honestly got scared when Eddie called you and then started running when I told him you went to check on a patient on the other side of the bar.”
“That tackle tho…Oooof his back’s not going to feel comfortable for a long time.” Chimney commented from the side.
5. Eddie touches him.
It's innocent enough that he can't really question it but it is way out of their realm of usual. Eddie, who puts his hands on his hips when he wants to walk past him. On his hips!
Eddie, who gently guides him through crowded places with a soft hand on his lower back. On his lower back!
Eddie, who brushes his knuckles against Buck’s nape when he’s passing him as he sits on the dining table.
Eddie, who tucks his face in the crook of Buck’s neck whenever they hug and presses his lips on Buck’s pulse.
Eddie, who tells Buck to go rest in the bedroom and then climbs into the bed once he’s sure Buck is asleep. Buck is not asleep!
Eddie, who sleeps with his hand resting on Buck’s heart.
Eddie, who wakes up before Buck so he can leave the bed.
Eddie, who doesn't notice Buck’s bleeding heart.
Eddie, who doesn't notice Buck’s teary eyes when he leaves the bed.
Eddie, who’s scared of losing him.
Eddie, who doesn't want him all the way.
It’s Sunday morning. Chris is at Hen’s and they don't have to get up for their shift. Maybe that's why Eddie lets his guard down and stays for a little longer, hand pressing down on Buck’s chest where his heart is beating. Buck slowly blinks open his eyes and feels Eddie’s hand twitch. He’s going to leave.
His hand shoots out to hold Eddie’s on his chest before he can talk himself out of it. Eddie stills beside him.
“Why do you touch me?”
“Buck.”
“Why don’t you touch me?”
He knows what he sounds like. Desperate, slightly insane, broken and miserable. He feels worse.
“I’m right here, Eddie.”
“You died, Buck.”
“I am not dead.”
“You were,” He says and pulls out his hand harshly before scrambling out of the bed. “You were! Three minutes and seventeen seconds Buck. You were dead. I had to live in a reality where Evan Buckley was dead. I called you. I begged you to talk to me! You wouldn’t! You wouldn’t. You didn't answer me, Buck. Do you know how many nights I stay up wondering if I called you and you didn't pick up, what would I do?? I am not scared, Buck. I am terrified. I didn't want you to feel like you weren’t capable or shit so I didn't say anything but the moment you are out of my sight I can feel your ribs cracking under my palms. Breaking and bleeding and dying and I can’t…I can’t…I can’t…I know it’s selfish. You…y-you owe me nothing. It’s not your fault that you died but it’s not mine either. I can’t bear to lose you, Buck. I won’t!”
“ Oh Eddie. ”
That’s all it takes for Eddie to crumple to his knees with stifled sobs as he plants his forehead on Buck’s thigh. He feels Buck’s finger softly brush his hair and then he feels gentle caress of lips on the shell of his ear. He jolts up, hands still clenched around Buck’s sleep shirt. He might be pinching Buck’s waist along the fabric but Buck doesn't look like he’s in pain. He just looks sad . There are tears brimming in his eyes as he lovingly strokes Eddie’s cheekbones.
“I’m here, Eddie.”
Eddie doesn't say anything as Buck bends down and presses his lips to Eddie’s forehead. Eddie’s eyes fall shut and he feels the gentle brush of lips against his closed lids. His nose is next and then his cheeks and then Buck plants his lips on the corner of his mouth. His lips curved into a smile and Eddie is a lot of things but a patient man he is not, when it comes to one Evan Buckley.
He puts his hand on the back of Buck’s neck and keeps him locked in place before tilting his face slightly and capturing his lips in a slow kiss. He feels Buck’s breath stutter when Eddie’s hand pulls the hem of his shirt up. “Can I?” He mumbles against chapped lips. “Yes,” Buck breathes into his mouth.
He feels every ridge and bump on Buck’s skin as Buck squirms in place, not moving away, never moving away from Eddie. His skin is warm to the touch and Eddie slowly reaches his chest and he puts his palm flat against his beating heart. He sighs as if this is the first time he’s truly heard Buck’s heartbeat after it stopped beating in that storm.
Eddie surges forward and doesn't give Buck a chance to move back. He straddles Buck’s lap and pushes him down on the bed, his long legs dangling over the edge. Eddie leans down and whispers in Buck’s ear.. “That night, at the bar, I wanted to rip out that man’s throat for touching you.”
Buck gasps and turns his face away, giving Eddie more canvas to worship, Eddie licks the red that spreads down Buck’s neck. “You like that,” He states, no speck of doubt.
“Eddie…” He has no coherent thought. None.
Eddie comes up, a smirk dances across his lips as his eyes flit across Buck’s face. His gaze stops somewhere above Buck’s eyebrow. His thumb brushes gently over his birthmark. “I love it.” I love you.
Buck’s eyes fall shut when Eddie bends down to place a gentle kiss on his birthmark.
“I love you,” He says it when Eddie’s lips are still pressed onto his birthmark. “I love you.” He says again when Eddie moves back. “I love you.” He says a third time before pushing up on his elbows and planting a kiss under Eddie’s eye, on top of his mole. “I love you.” He says again before lying back down and closing his eyes. He doesn't expect anything from Eddie. If Eddie leaves right now, Buck wouldn't blame him. He would wash away his tears and walk into the kitchen with a smile that could rival the sun.
He, of course, doesn't expect Eddie to roll them over so that they are lying side by side. He isn't expecting Eddie to tuck his face in Buck’s chest and let out a wet sob. “I love you so much, Buck.”