Chapter Text
The first text comes in the second Chuuya steps out of his— much needed, much deserved— shower. He frowns as the generic dinging sound of his text notification rings out from the living room. Mori had assured him he’d have the weekend off after spending the last six days playing bodyguard for some Kouyou’s girls— a few of them had gotten in hot water with a politician who doesn’t like to play nice with the Mafia and, while Chuuya has no problem crossing his arms and grimacing at anyone who gets too close, spending nearly a week in the brothels is enough to sour his mood. Listening to endless fucking and moaning can only be bearable for so long.
And so, his plans for the evening. A steamy shower to rinse the stress from his body, and then his favorite bottle of wine awaiting him in the living room outside. Hell, he even broke out the candles and cheese board Kouyou had gifted him for his birthday a few months prior. A night of relaxation, release, and—
DING
“Fucking—” Chuuya swears to himself as he quickly tosses on a top and nothing more, focused on getting to his phone before whatever idiot on the other side decides to call and really ruin his plans. He grabs the phone while the screen’s still lit up, swearing as he marches back to the bathroom to dry his hair. “Asshole texting me is gonna get blocked, or worse, I promise, I— Oh, you have got to be fucking with me. Him? ”
Mackerel
Why’s your office light off
GASP WERE YOU FINALLY AND RIGHTFULLY FIRED??????
Chuuya almost hates how much sense it makes that it would be that fucking bastard texting him on the first day off he’s had in months.
It doesn’t make him any happier about it, though.
How the fuck do you know about my office lights, asshole?
Are you stalking where I work!?
Chuuya slams the phone on the bathroom counter and scowls at the mirror, tying his hair back and trying— trying — not to think of the hundred ways he could skin Dazai alive. He doesn’t even bother hoping he’ll be left alone. Dazai’s like a parasite; once he invites himself in during Chuuya’s time, he burrows in and makes himself at home until he’s forcibly removed or knocked unconscious.
Unfortunately, Chuuya thinks as his phone lights up with another text, he can’t knock him out through virtual blows. Not that he hasn't tried.
Mackerel
It’s called keeping track of the enemy smh gotta keep an eye on all criminals even the pint-sized ones
U didn't answer about the lights
Chuuya’s more than aware that he owes Dazai a total of zero answers about his life and owes him even less about his work. Like most things with Dazai, though, Chuuya doesn’t consider the logic of responding to him.
I have time off. It’s what happens when you’re a responsible employee.
It makes sense you wouldn’t know about that.
Almost immediately, Dazai starts typing in response. Chuuya sighs.
Mackerel
Awwwww Chuu-Chuu, u must be so bored on your own!!!
How are u surviving the night????
It was relatively peaceful before some suicidal idiot started pestering me.
A whole paragraph of crying emojis takes up Chuuya’s phone, and though he grits his teeth and rolls his eyes, it’s a familiar kind of bullshit and certainly not the worst sort that Dazai could come up with.
Mackerel
I bet you’re being boring
I bet you’re secretly wishing i was there to keep you entertained
The only thing I’d do if you were here is throw you out the window.
See!! Passion!!
Admit it— you’re just dying to see me
That’s delusional
I only think about you to wonder how you’re alive with so many missing brain cells.
Chuuya can practically sense the puppy eyes Dazai would give him for that response, the whining and overdramatized hand held to his head in wounded disgrace. By all means, this is the point where Chuuya should put his phone down and continue with the rest of his Mackerel-free night.
Then again, he’s never done what he should do when Dazai’s involved.
Mackerel
You knowwwwww they say the more you insult someone, the more u secretly like them
Is that what this is?????
Hidden feelings?????????
IN YOUR DREAMS, IDIOT
The only feeling I have for you is IRRITATION
Just one step away from longing ;)
Just ask me to come over alreadyyyyyy
U know u wanna see me :(
Please, you’ve got this so backward
Oh? Is that how you see things?
It’s how things ARE
YOU'RE the one who wants to see ME, not the other way around, asshole
I could have you begging to come over, and I wouldn't even have to ask
Chuuya’s playing with fire, and he knows it, but if this is the route Dazai wants to take, Chuuya’s not going to be the first to back down. He almost feels bad remembering how he’d tease Dazai back— for all his big talk, the Demon Prodigy folded faster at the mere hint of flirting from Chuuya. Not that he didn’t also benefit from Chuuya’s taunts; more often than not, it led to them falling into bed together.
And, well, after almost a week at a brothel… Chuuya’s frustrations may be of a more sexual manner. He intended to get pleasantly tipsy and figure that out on his own, but if he could get Dazai to come over, then…
Well. That’s still nothing more than a possibility.
Mackerel
Hm. HM. HMMMMM.
I demand proof.
I dare you to prove that I would rather be there with you and not the other way around
Oh. Proper grammar. He’s hooked. Nearly where Chuuya wants him. If he knows Dazai— and he can pretty confidently say that he does— then all it takes is just a bit more of a push.
Chuuya, on the other hand, can’t be seen giving in so easily.
You seriously think I’ll play along with your shitty games? I’d sooner punch you.
Mackerel
What’s the harm? Aw, are you scared you’re wrong?
Don’t even joke like that. Makes me sick.
Just as expected, you’re all talk.
I bet you couldn’t even find a way to make me blink.
…
FINE
But don’t come crying to me when you can’t handle what you asked for
Chuuya hasn’t even lifted his thumb from the screen before realizing he has no idea where he’s going with this. What even is this bet? Trying to get Dazai to come over? This is probably exactly what the stupid fish had in mind from the start, and Chuuya just played right into his hands. There’s no winning. Either he gives in and admits he was wrong, or he allows Dazai into his home and prays he’ll at least get a good fucking out of it.
Unless.
Unless he kills two birds with one stone.
Unless he can make Dazai just as hungry for sex as he is without ever saying the words.
It’s ridiculous, but what’s a bet without a challenge, after all?
Chuuya bites his lip, brainstorming what to say next. A coy remark? A subtle innuendo? One of Dazai’s own shitty pickup lines? He takes a step back and—
And the movement has a soft breeze brushing against his naked thighs, the hem of the shirt just barely covering below his crotch.
That’s right. In his rush to reach his phone, he never finished getting dressed. He’s been standing in his bathroom in nothing more than an oversized t-shirt. Fuck, he’s not even wearing underwear yet.
Though there’s no one around to see him, his cheeks flush red as he raises his eyes to the mirror, taking in the awkward sight. Or, what he expected to be an awkward sight when, really—
He looks at the reflection. He looks down at himself. He looks at the reflection again. He thinks of the full-length mirror in his bedroom.
He can work with this.