Archive of Our Own

It's wrong. That is how everything feels for Chifuyu right now. How everything has felt since  October 31st. Since Bloody Halloween. since Baji's death. Just a few days ago, yet it feels like an eternity since he last heard Baji's voice. Not his last words, those are still to painful to process.

He'd probably been staring at his ceiling for hours when his alarm clock rang. He's been having nightmares everynight since Baji died. Last night was no different. He didn't dare attempt to go back to sleep. As usual, he checked his phone to see if Baji had sent him a message in the middle of the night for whatever reason. Of course Baji hasn't sent him anything. He never will again. But sometimes in his sleep haze Chifuyu unconsciously lets the denial take over for a few seconds, even if he wakes up several times in one night.

Today is monday. This means he's supposed to go to school. 'Supposed' to, being the operative word here. He doesn't want to hear the announcement. Doesn't want talk to anyone about what happened. Doesn't want to talk to anyone at all, really. So he doesn't. Instead, his feet lead him to the bridge where he and Takemitchy had attempted to talk to Baji 4 days ago. He can almost see Baji, back leaning against the railway. Chifuyu wonders if the conversation would have gone differently if he hadn't brought Takemitchy with him. If he was on his own, would Baji have been more open ? Chifuyu will never know.

Remembering that Baji is dead, not that he could ever forget, makes Chifuyu feel... He doesn't even know, actually. He feels too many things at once. But he knows there's at least anger. He feels angry at the world. At himself. At Kisaki. At Kazutora.

Kazutora... Chifuyu knows it isn't really his fault. He'd been mentally unstable for years, and manipulated by Kisaki and Hanma. Chifuyu knows this. That knowledge doesn't lessen the physical pain he feels when he remembers Baji dying in his arms, struggling to breathe and talk. It doesn't take away the physical weight he can feel in his arms sometimes. It doesn't unsear Baji's blood loss ashen skin color from Chifuyu's memory. It doesn't change the feeling of nausea Draken's invitation to go see Kazutora in the correctional facility elicites in him. Mikey, Draken and the other capitains and vices have forgiven Kazutora, so why is it so hard for Chifuyu to do so ?

Chifuyu knows what Baji sacrificied himself for. To save Kazutora's life and troubled mind, prevent Mikey from losing himself, prevent Toman's corruption at Kisaki's hand. But Chifuyu also knows Baji had wished for more time with him. 

'I'd kill for Peyoung.' 'We'll split, right... ?'

Maybe that's the reason he struggles to forgive Kazutora. Chifuyu understands the meaning behind Baji's last words. The meaning behind his final 'Thank you'. Baji died thinking about him. Despite knowing he was seconds away from dying, despite the obvious agony from the blood loss and stab injury cocktail, Baji died smiling at him.

Something twists in his gut anytime he thinks about it. Chifuyu isn't blind. He'd seen how Baji acted differently with him than he did with his others friends. Always more physically affectionate, more relaxed, more protective. And Chifuyu isn't blind to his own feelings either. He's always been pretty vocal that he thinks Baji is the best. He knows he's right. He understands what the feeling of having butterflies in his stomach when Baji laughed or looked a him with his trademark grin means.

He knows Baji acted so coldly the days before Bloody Halloween to keep his cover, and protect Chifuyu from Kisaki and Valhalla. Chifuyu knows Baji became more distant from him even before leaving Toman, because who would the 5th division 'interrogate' after Baji betrayed Toman if he was still acting like nothing was going on with Chifuyu ? Chifuyu understands all this. It still hurts. He never doubted Baji, knew why Baji had gone to Valhalla. Not being given the option to help him is what hurts Chifuyu, even though he knows why Baji didn't allow him to help him.

His phone buzzes. He quickly looks at the screen and sees he got a message from Takemitchy. He's aking Chifuyu if he's up to anything today, like he knows Chifuyu isn't at school. Chifuyu doesn't have the energy to answer. When he gets back home, he sees the neatly wrapped item he left on the counter last week. It finally clicks what day today is.

November 3rd. Baji's birthday. Chifuyu can't believe he forgot. 

Though, who can blame him given how chaotic the last few days have felt to him. Chifuyu carefully picks up the present and heads out again after pouring boiling water in a thermos. He stops at the combini to buy Peyong and incents. The funeral hasn't happened yet but Baji's name has already been added to the family grave stone. Chifuyu doesn't know how it was done so quickly but doesn't think too much about it either.

He lights the incents, pays his respect to Baji by praying, before opening the instant noodles and pouring the still boiling water in. He eats half, as they always did when they shared it. Then he puts the container with the remaining half on the cold stone.

"I bought Peyong and left you half, just like I promised. It definitely tasted better sharing it with you, Baji-san..." Chifuyu says softly. "I even brought you your birthday present."

Chifuyu takes the present out of his backpack, unwrapping it.

"Sorry, traditionally the birthday person opens the present but... You can't do that anymore." Chifuyu says trying to smile but feeling a few tears escaping his eyes.

"You'd been looking for it for ever. That Pusheen figurine that was always sold out." Chifuyu says with a soft smile, carefully setting the object on the polished stone.

"If you were here right now, you'd probably tell me to forgive him. To forgive Kazutora. Maybe to forgive you for the last few days even though we both know why it happened. You know I'd forgive you. I never blamed you. But..." Chifuyu trails off, feeling his voice about to get shakier.

"But... would you forgive me if I... can't forgive him ? I... I'm trying to... But any time I think about him..." Chifuyu trails off again, feeling the heavy lump in his throat.

"When I think about him... I remember what he did and it hurts. It... It physically hurts... I'm sorry... I know he was manipulated. I... I'll try to forgive him, even if it takes 10 years... But right now... I can't. Even though everyone else did. I just... can't. Not yet."

Chifuyu doesn't say anything else for a while.

"I was thinking about leaving Toman. Mikey talked me out of that. He... he told me I shouldn't snuff out the 1st division's flame. He's right. I...  can't lead the division. It's too heavy for me, but he can. Takemitchy, that is. You saw it too, didn't you ? That's why left Mikey and Toman in his hands."

Chifuyu had been wondering what he should do since Mikey and he talked. And he could only come to one conclusion.

"Baji-san, I promise you, I'll take Kisaki down one day. In one month, in one year. Even in 12 years. No matter how long it takes. One day, I'll manage to corner him with no possible scapegoats."

Chifuyu hopes Baji will watch over him until that day arrives.