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James took a deep breath, fiddling with his suit jacket and trying to power through the sinking, sickening feeling that had somehow taken up residence inside his chest. His heart thundered against his ribcage like it was determined to escape the very bounds of his body and he felt almost faint. He looked around the large room, taking in the beautiful decorations, the stunning white flowers, the luxurious aisle already scattered with petals, the twinkling lights strung from the ceiling. It looked like heaven.
It felt like his own personal hell.
He was sweating. Sweating so profusely he feared spots would appear under his arms and on his back. The nausea and sense of dread worsened as the jovial chattering intensified around him. The crowd was thickening.
It wouldn’t be long now.
He wanted to cry.
He’d promised Sirius, his parents, Peter, Lily, everyone that he was fine. That he was well over it. That he would be able to get through this with a smile on his face. That he’d made his decision two years ago.
Because he had. He’d dealt with his broken heart two Augusts ago when Regulus Black had looked him in the eye and said they couldn’t keep doing whatever it was they were doing.
‘Whatever it was.’
James would have called it falling in love. But it seemed Regulus had some other definition for it. Because he’d set his jaw and coolly stabbed James in the heart, going on about needing to meet his family’s expectations. Having to marry off and be the heir he was expected to be. That he had to stop messing around. Even as James had tried to tell him the truth– that he wanted more.
So their whirlwind summer of sneaking off together, of adrenaline-fueled kisses and once-in-a-lifetime dates and touches that left them both breathless…Regulus turned and walked away from it.
And James watched him go, because Regulus had insisted.
“I’m sorry…” Regulus had said flatly, a thousand suppressed emotions in his eyes. “This is what I want.”
And who was James, if not the person to give Regulus everything he wanted? So he nodded, swallowing the ‘I love you’ he’d never said, and watched him walk away. He could be selfless. He could let Regulus go, if it was what he needed. So Regulus went home.
But as time went by, he couldn’t help it. He watched Regulus from afar as he picked up the pieces, a part of him dying every time. Watched as Regulus became the perfect heir, charming all of the people he’d trained for for so long. He did so well. Smiled brightly and rose through the social ranks effortlessly.
“He’s happy,” James always insisted with a huge, fake smile when someone who knew about their summer fling asked how he was. “He’s happy, and that’s what matters.”
He tried not to think about how his heart ached when he saw Regulus smile. How he wished he was the one who put those smiles there.
He tried to slam the door closed on the past. Date others, laugh through the pain. But he still couldn’t forget. And now, two summers later, he was here, sweating in a ballroom, surrounded by stuck-up rich people, waiting for Regulus to marry some woman James had never met. Some woman that probably didn’t deserve a man as amazing as Regulus Black.
He wanted to throw up.
It didn’t feel real. Somehow, it was as if the past two years were a hazy dream. That soon, he would wake up in his old flat and find Regulus there, both of their naked bodies sticking to his old sheets he’d kept from university, their hot skin pressed against each other as they stared into each other’s eyes, ignoring the pressures of the world outside James’s door.
Regulus was happy.
That’s what he tried to tell himself as he looked around the room.
But as he nervously took in the little details of the decor, he began to pick up on things that he might not have taken the time to notice if he’d had the option to escape.
The first realization came to him slowly.
The flowers were all wrapped in pale, sage-green bows.
It was a little thing, but it hit James in the gut. Because Regulus hated sage green.
“It’s so boring,” he’d complained to James once. “I like deep colors. Colors that make you feel things, you know?” And James had been taken by the opinion, because Regulus seemed to care so much about it.
So why was his wedding covered in sage-green?
Then he noticed more. Fake flower petals on the ground? Regulus hated fake flowers. A harp player ready to play as the wedding party walked in? But Regulus adored the piano!
How many other things had Regulus had no say in?
Walburga Black standing up in front of the crowd spurred him to action. “We will begin promptly in ten minutes,” she said primly, before disappearing down the aisle.
Without thinking, James followed after her, his feet moving faster than his brain. He wasn’t sure what his thought process was. Only that he needed to do something.
And then, he found himself running face-first into Sirius.
“James,” Sirius muttered, not even looking surprised to see the other man where he definitely wasn’t supposed to be.
“He’s not happy,” James said, his voice desperate. “He’s not, is he?”
Sirius gave him a long, searching look, before sighing and shrugging. “I don’t know. You know we don’t talk much. I think he thinks he is. But you definitely aren’t. So if you’re going to say something, fucking say it now, before he goes down the aisle.”
Not bothering to take the time to process his surprise, James just nodded grimly, following as Sirius turned and led him down a hall.
He was thankful, he supposed, that this wasn’t premeditated. He didn’t have much time to think. The adrenaline of the moment was enough to fuel him, to stop him from second-guessing or thinking of all the horrible consequences.
That is, until he burst into a small room and came face-to-face with Regulus Black.
Regulus looked terrified. He was pale, his skin pallid, sweat pooling on his upper lip. His black curls, which usually fell artfully downward, were slicked back like someone had glued them that way, and he was in a three-piece tuxedo that looked like it was making him deeply uncomfortable.
But when James looked into his gray eyes, he immediately lost all rational thought.
Sirius, of course, came through. He pushed James forward a bit and said hurriedly, “You two have about five minutes before people show up and start asking very uncomfortable questions, so–”
“I love you.”
Fuck. It felt so good to say. He’d been bottling it up for two years, all of his love and desire and resentment and selfish yearning. To see Regulus now, looking like this, it had all just spilled out. His body warmed with the truth of it. The rightness of the words.
The room rang with shocked silence.
“Fuck,” James muttered, chuckling awkwardly. “I- just. I love you. I’m sorry.” He paused, thinking about it. "Well. I'm actually not sorry. I just really love you."
Somewhere in the back of his brain, he registered Sirius creeping from the room, muttering about ‘distracting the guests.’ But he was much more focused on Regulus’s completely blank expression.
“Now?” Regulus asked after a few painful moments, his mouth open a bit, his eyes wide. “You’re saying this now?”
“Yes. Now. And then. And every moment in between,” James nodded, speaking more confidently. He knew his timing was poor, but for the first time he was being selfish and saying his feelings, and it felt amazing.
Regulus tilted his head to the side as if sizing James up. “Claire loves me,” he whispered. But his tone was challenging, as if he wanted to see what James would do.
The urge to let Regulus go again, to give up, washed through James. But the selfish need to know for sure how the other man felt won out. “I loved you first,” he murmured firmly, making eye contact with the shorter man and refusing to break it.
The air noticeably shifted, the tension thickening as Regulus gave him a small chuckle and a quirk of his lips. “Well. Fucking finally. It only took you two years to ask me to stay with you?”
It was as if James’s vision zoomed out and back in all in the span of one moment, his brain reeling with the question. “You wanted me to?” he breathed, hardly daring to hope.
“Of course,” Regulus shrugged, pink tinging his cheeks. “You know me. I’m horrible at that type of thing, James. I need to…to speak in codes. I know it’s not particularly healthy, but-”
But James was done with talking. He lunged forward, both of his hands sinking into Regulus’s slicked-back hair, cradling his head and angling it upwards so their lips met in a searing kiss.
And it was exactly like he remembered. The perfect combination of warmth and safety and love mixed with passion and need and desperation. Panting, James pressed their bodies together, licking into Regulus’s mouth, savoring every moment, every taste, wondering how the hell he could have gone two years without this, without him -
“Well, you’ve figured things out, then?”
Sirius’s voice interrupted them, and James pulled back with a gasp. Regulus, he saw, looked wrecked. His lips were kiss-bitted, his eyes glazed over, his hair mussed and a sappy smile on his face. “Yes,” he mumbled, still staring at James. “I believe we’ll be cancelling the wedding.”
“Shocking,” Sirius muttered, chuckling. “I’m happy for you both and all, but I won’t be telling Mother.”
Regulus, however, gave him a beseeching look. “But I have to tell Claire.”
Sirius sighed. “Fine. But only because I fully expect to be Best Man again in a year.”
“Less!” James piped up, looking to Regulus for confirmation.
Regulus just nodded.
But when Sirius left, James took a step back from Regulus, untangling their embrace, “You’d better go break it to Claire, love. I..I’m thrilled, don’t get me wrong, but she should know-”
“Oh,” Regulus laughed, not looking guilty at all. “I lied. To both you and Sirius. She’s as gay as I am.”
And James could only burst into a fit of laughter at that.