Chapter Text
2 weeks after Minji officially transfers to Tokyo, Hanni leaves.
She also transfers. Not out of Korea, but far enough away from the Busan Shatterdome and from the ocean to forget the smell of salt, the taste of it on the wind–difficult to do in a country surrounded by water, but not impossible. Here, there’s no clunking sounds of metal, no hum of people at all hours of the day.
No sounds of what’d been her home.
It’s different. Quiet.
Her relocation is to a small town on the western side of the peninsula, inland and far from the sea, a few hours away from Seoul. She'd considered going back home to Melbourne, she'd be a hero there. But the looks of pity that she would get–she could already hear the way her mother and father would console her, their voices careful even if they didn’t really understand. She wouldn't be able to stand it.
Here, at least her memories are her own. Here, she doesn't see the ghost of her former partner in every corner, making her double take everywhere she looks.
Marshal Park gives her a look when she applies for a transfer. One away from a Shatterdome and Jaegers.
“This is retirement in all but name,” Jihyo sighs, leaning back in her office chair. She looks more weary than when Hanni had first stepped foot into her office, fresh from the academy. A framed photo sits on the shelf behind her, 9 silhouettes in front of a Jaeger.
Busan couldn’t afford to lose many more Rangers, with Sana and Dahyun on loan to Nagasaki, and Haewon and Lily now working in J-Tech and K-Science respectively. The only active Jaeger teams left were Kyujin and Jiwoo, and Haerin and Danielle.
But everyone knows you can't force a drift.
“You’re a good pilot,” Jihyo tries, “we could use you in LOCCENT or in training. You could apply to another Shatterdome like–”
A pause. Jihyo sighs, but she doesn’t push it, her eyes understanding even if she’s hesitant. She was a pilot once.
Hanni bows her head, “I appreciate it, but I don’t think I’m fit for piloting right now.”
Jihyo nods, the same look still on her face, and approves her transfer. Shore leave, technically, but not retirement.
There aren't many retired Rangers.
Hanni’s one of the lucky ones.
–
She’d considered staying in Busan, her expertise, her knowledge, hell, even her potential to drift with someone else considered an asset. It would have been worth it, she thinks bitterly, to stay around Danielle, Haerin, and Hyein. But she has enough ghosts in her head. She didn’t need them haunting her in real life too.
So she leaves.
On the train to her new apartment her phone starts vibrating. She considers letting it ring out, but she picks up Danielle’s call anyway.
“Were you not gonna tell us you were leaving?” Danielle almost yells, her voice tinged with hurt and Hanni winces from the volume, her head still foggy from the lack of sleep.
“At least Minji said goodbye before she left.” She hears Haerin’s faint voice in the background before someone shushes her.
“Ah, I’m sorry…” Hanni isn’t sure what to say. That she couldn’t stand living in her and Minji’s half empty dorm for another second? That everywhere she looked she saw specters of them?
Minji hadn’t said goodbye to her.
Through the phone speaker she hears the sounds of the canteen, and she aches, resting her head against the cool window, watching the scenery blur around her. If she closes her eyes, she can pretend she’s there.
“It’s okay man, I understand,” Danielle says, and Hanni can almost see her pout through the phone, “I understand, but I’m still upset that you wouldn’t tell us.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” Hanni sighs, opening her eyes again, watches the countryside fly by, “You guys should come visit once I’m settled in.”
Danielle gasps in excitement at the mention of the new apartment and Hyein asks weirdly specific questions about her trip and it's easy to slip back into that rhythm with them, to pretend nothing's wrong.
They don’t bring up Minji again.
Hanni finishes moving in quickly, having left most of her stuff in Busan. The apartment is small, with only the bare essentials. She has a craving for tteokbokki, and splits a container with her younger sister who flew up to help move furniture (and report back to their parents, Hanni knows, but that's a given. Besides, her shoulder still aches so she appreciates the extra set of hands).
“I didn't know you liked tteokbokki so much,” her sister comments, dipping a piece of soondae into the spicy sauce. Hanni pauses, the piece of fishcake that she’d been picking up falling back into her bowl.
“Minji likes it. Just got used to it I guess,” she says. The sauce coated fishcake doesn’t seem as appetizing as before.
“Tell me about it,” her sister asks, and Hanni looks up curiously. “Being a pilot. I barely hear from you nowadays. The only time I see you is when I see your cardboard cutout at the liquor store.”
That had been a fun day. The five of them, Korea’s finest from the academy since Park Jihyo’s group had graduated. They’d taken down a rare double Kaiju appearance, and the media had been all over them. But they’d gotten to take silly pictures with bottles of soju–barely old enough themselves to legally drink–laughing at each other's expressions. That had been one of their last good days for a while.
Hanni talks about past kills, the glitz and glamor–the things people want to hear from her. How honored she is to be a protector of humanity. They don’t want to hear about how she struggled to hold things for a month before she built up enough hand strength to grasp a spoon again. Or how Minji couldn’t look her in the eyes after she woke up, slowly slipping out of her life until she was gone. The mangled chassis of their Jaeger, half its skull caved in from the dying blow of a Kaiju.
Her sister leaves with plans made to meet up later. And then she's alone.
She does the few dishes she does have, and feels droplets on the back of her neck from where Minji wouldn’t stop splashing her. She brushes her teeth and sees Minji meet her eyes in the mirror, grinning slightly around her own toothbrush. She climbs into bed and feels Minji pressed against her, an arm draped over her waist.
She doesn’t get much sleep that night.
But she hasn’t slept well for 2 weeks anyway.
She still dreams somehow though. She sees the Tokyo skyline, hears chatter in a language that’s definitely not Korean, tastes coffee that is definitely gross enough to be from a Shatterdome but earthier than the kind that they served in the Busan canteen. It feels like both a curse and yet she finds she wants more, like half remembering a dream.
“Hanni,” a gentle, familiar voice calls her name, but she burrows further under the covers.
“Mmm five more minutes,” she groans.
A soft chuckle, “Yah c’mon we have training with the kids today,” the voice says before she’s hit with what feels like a pillow.
Hanni blinks awake, expecting to see warm brown eyes and a gummy smile, but her room is as empty and cold as it was last night, only the sound of her alarm filling the quiet. In her sleep she had grabbed the other pillow on the bed, clutched it against her. Turning her alarm off, she stares at the ceiling, mind blank, a pressure in her chest.
She finds herself wanting milk bread.
–
The PPDC office isn’t hard to find, a big minimalist concrete building swarming with a sea of blue, white and black uniforms and jumpsuits. She blends in with her own jumpsuit, but it doesn’t stop the stares or whispers in the mess hall.
“I heard it was a category 5–”
“–can’t believe they actually took it down.”
“–transferred to Tokyo like a week after–”
“–retired now?”
“Pham Hanni?” A familiar voice asks her as she tears open a package of bread. She looks up as Yunjin takes the seat in front of her, a bright smile on her face.
“Yunjin?”
“It’s been a while hasn’t it! I don’t think I've seen you since graduation.”
“I didn’t know you were back in Korea,” Hanni says. Yunjin looks older than when Hanni had attended her graduation. More sure of herself.
“I’m waiting for my Jaeger to get repaired. Chaewon’s back too but she’s visiting family,” Yunjin says as she brushes the hair out of her face, taking the seat in front of her, sprawling out lazily, “I heard about your transfer and since I was already at this office I thought you could see a friendly face.”
Hanni smiles. Yunjin, who’d been in a different class, had always been friendly to her. Yunjin sends her a sympathetic look.
“It can get to be a lot here. Most Rangers don’t leave the Shatterdomes, so people love to talk. Although, I don't think my transfer was talked about as much as yours.”
“Ha yeah, they’re wrong too, it was just a really big category 4, not a cat 5.” (It had paralyzed Hanni when she’d first seen it. A large hulking creature–the size of their Jaeger, larger than anything they had seen before–with long slicing claws and a gaping maw. But she had looked over at Minji, felt her at the edge of her mind, and drawn up the confidence to face it head on.)
Yunjin laughs–a pretty sound, and it brings her back to the academy, the raging of the Alaskan winds rattling the walls as they studied battle formations and Kaiju biology. “Just ignore it. People will move on soon.”
“I really hope so,” Hanni says, maybe a little more bitterly than she intended, “some people were crowding my desk this morning to ask me stuff. I had to hide in a closet to get away.”
Yunjin shrugs. “I mean, big Kaiju takedown with one pilot critically injured with the other one transferring almost immediately after, there’s gonna be some questions.”
“I just wish they wouldn’t ask me so directly,” Hanni picks solemnly at the milk bread, the slice looking less appetizing now, “they should just watch the news like everyone else.”
Yunjin just rolls her eyes, “What are you working on here anyways? Isn’t there some other place to send a hotshot Jaeger pilot than the countryside?”
Like Tokyo Hanni’s brain supplies helpfully.
“I asked Jihyo for somewhere in Korea that’s not Seoul,” she shrugs, trying to shake off the idea of Tokyo.
Yunjin hums thoughtfully, giving her a look Hanni doesn’t understand before eyeing her bread. “Are you gonna eat that?”
Hanni shakes her head and nudges the sweet pastry in Yunjin’s direction. She can feel the stares on the back of her head and tries her best to ignore them, tapping her fingers on the top of the table.
“I’m just, working on Jaeger stuff,” she says to answer Yunjin’s other question.
“Wow,” Yunjin says through a mouthful of bread, “Very specific.”
Hanni shrugs. She hadn’t actually read her transfer form that closely. The only thing that mattered was that it was taking her away from Busan. “I don't know what I'm doing,” she sighs.
Yunjin raises an eyebrow.
“Here?” she asks skeptically, and Hanni waves her hand in the air.
“No, like for work.”
“Hm.” Yunjin looks like she doesn’t believe her, but she quickly grins, kicking gently at her ankle under the table. “Well, I’ll see you around, if you’re staying.”
“I guess so,” Hanni says and she finds herself smiling genuinely back.
–
She settles into her role in J-Tech, as a Prototype Tester. She thinks her position should really be called Glorified Lab Rat. Still, she sends her thanks to Park Jihyo for not putting her into the Drift Science department.
It's the small blessings.
But the monotony is nice. No Kaiju alarm screaming late at night, ripping her from sleep. No fourteen hour training sessions that leave her aching and sore. Some days she gets dinner with Yunjin or her sister, but most days she calls Danielle just to talk about which scientist is pissing her off now. She works late other days, her light to be the last one off in the office. She’d never known how many prototypes there were for different Jaeger components, or how many trials it took before new gadgets went into her hands at the Shatterdome.
She also half suspects that her position is mostly for show, and that her feedback goes directly into the trash, but it feels good to be doing something. Especially after being on bedrest for so long.
She still finds herself missing piloting though.
They keep a war clock in the office, even though the threat is far, far away, and Hanni finds herself looking at it, calculating the next Kaiju attack, her muscles coiled as if ready to spring into action at any moment.
She wonders sometimes, if Minji found a new Jaeger partner. Tokyo is a Shatterdome after all, but–the thought makes her heart ache. Minji sparring with someone else. Minji sharing snacks and jokes with someone else. Minji drifting with someone else. She tries not to think about it, but it's impossible when she sees double, stepping outside and seeing a different skyline, or getting dinner with Yunjin and seeing an unfamiliar person across from her for a split second, in a different time or place.
She ends up spending a lot of late nights at the office, working to the point of exhaustion, before ordering takeout and collapsing in bed.
It’s not really what she wants to be doing, but it keeps her busy, and that’s what matters.
–
She only gets flashes of things. The sound of crunching metal. Someone is screaming, she thinks, before she realizes it's her who’s screaming. Her shoulder hurts like hell, but she needs someone to help Hanni. She turns and sees herself, slumped over in the left pilot slot of their Jaeger, helmet cracked, she feels so empty–
She gasps awake, her heart beating out of her chest. She heaves a few shaky breaths, clenching the sheets below her, before she curls into herself, her pillow wet with tears. She sees double for a second, like she’s been ripped in two, and it takes a moment to remember where she is–who she is.
Her phone vibrates, bathing her bedroom in warm light, clearing her vision. With trembling hands she looks at it.
[Thursday 22:07]
Minji-ah
Are you okay?
Hanni stares at the message until her eyes start to blur, a tired sort of anger curling in her chest. She grits her teeth as her hand clenches around the casing.
Why did you leave me? Why couldn’t you stay? she wants to respond.
But she doesn’t reply, just throws her phone across the room and throws an arm over her eyes, trying to block out the fleeting visions that play out on the inside of her eyelids.
Minji doesn’t text again.
–
Hanni hasn’t gotten a psych eval since she left Busan. No one’s commented on it yet.
–
Yunjin takes her out for lunch when their schedules align, saying something about getting away from the gossip. They meet at a quaint noodle house by the PPDC office, making small talk before the food arrives.
“I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore,” Hanni murmurs as they dig into their bibim-naengmyeon, the noodle soothing her craving for Korean food (and she knows, that the craving isn’t really hers, but the noodles help).
The without Minji part goes unspoken.
Yunjin’s head tilts as she looks up. “What do you mean?”
“Like,” Hanni sighs, “take away the Jaeger and the Ranger and all that stuff and I don’t really know what’s left.”
Yunjin hums thoughtfully.
“Well, what did you do for fun before you went to the academy?”
There’s a pause filled with the clink of silverware as Hanni thinks.
“Write music, think about becoming a Ranger, dance,” she finally says.
“Do you do any of those things anymore?” Yunjin narrows her eyes, and Hanni opens her mouth to answer before Yunjin interrupts her, “Nevermind, the face you’re making tells me everything I need to know.”
–
Yunjin takes it upon herself to find things Hanni likes that aren’t piloting Jaegers or taking care of her squad (or related to Minji). They attend a hip hop dance class, or watch a jazz club performance even if they don't know the songs. It’s a nice reminder that even when the apocalypse happens and it feels like the world is ending, life keeps going.
“I think this place does open mic nights next month,” Yunjin says as they leave the bar and step out into the night, “If you ever wanted to try for yourself.”
The street is dark, warm light from inside spilling out from inside onto the pavement. Hanni takes a breath in as crickets chirp from the nearby bushes. She misses the sound of the ocean.
“I don’t know how long I’ll stay here. I might go back to Busan sometime,” she breathes out and Yunjin raises an eyebrow.
“I thought you were trying to run away from Busan.”
Hanni scoffs. “I wasn’t running. I took shore leave.”
“I don’t think people usually work their asses off on shore leave. They like, go on vacation or something. Look at Chaewon, she's still with her family.”
Hanni shrugs, “I see my sister sometimes. She hasn’t gone back yet. Aren’t you also technically working during your shore leave?”
Yunjin rolls her eyes, “The difference between me and you is that I’m not running away from Hong Kong–or,” she raises an eyebrow, “I guess you’re not running from Busan anymore?”
“I kinda miss it. Not piloting necessarily, but just being there. Although the food is not missed.”
Yunjin makes a face, “At least in Busan you get Korean food. But I get it,” she looks up at the sky, “Korea is home for me now, but something about the Shatterdomes man.”
They both stare up at the stars. They're so clear here, the faint rolling galaxies of the Milky Way streaked across the sky.
Yunjin elbows her in the side. “So have you finally gotten over whatever caused you to run away or what?”
Hanni just huffs and shoves at Yunjin’s side.
–
She finds herself plucking at the cheap guitar Yunjin convinced her to buy, playing mindlessly until she can't keep her eyes open anymore and her fingers are rubbed raw. Those nights she doesn’t dream.
Other days however, her arm or hand pinches with an old dull pain, and she would leave work, cursing at her past self for not doing all the stretches Sullyoon recommended for her during her last checkup two months ago. It’s on these days that she can feel herself losing the mental tug of war between the past and the present.
She answers questions that weren't asked to her, expects someone to be standing beside her and gets startled when Minji's not there. The worst is when she wakes up and swears that she's back in Busan, Minji just over in the other room. It's hard to open her eyes those mornings.
Danielle comes to visit her on one of her break days, sweeping into Hanni’s apartment with armfuls of food and a sweet voice.
“–and then Haerin was gonna punch the guy so Hyein had to grab her. It was funny. Like seeing a person try to grab a cat.”
“Wait,” Hanni blinks, “why was Haerin going to punch someone?”
Danielle sighs. “The poor guy was a video journalist and went to film above us but he startled Hyein. Haerin saw her panic and just started swinging.”
“What were you doing while that was happening?”
“Laughing, obviously. I’m not gonna try to stop Haerin,” Danielle hums contentedly as she takes a bite of ssam. Real meat was hard to come by, but she had somehow found somewhere that sold seasoned beef and brought it all the way from Busan.
“Are you guys okay?” Hanni asks, “I saw on the news the recent Kaiju appearance…” (It’d been different seeing the fight on TV versus in real life. Hanni's heart had been pounding as she watched the Jaeger–piloted by Danielle and Haerin–take a hit from the long tail of the Kaiju. The Kaiju had been almost larger than life on the TV; the apocalypse come to life. Her hands had become fists as her body screamed at her to take action, to do something, anything.)
Danielle nods quickly. “We took a couple hits but we’re all okay, nothing Sullyoon couldn’t patch up,” she looks up from where she had been constructing a tower of rice and meat on the piece of lettuce and frowns, “she worries about you, y’know. We all do. I know we talk on the phone, but it’s only about the little things.”
“I guess packing up and leaving wasn’t the most mentally stable option?” Hanni says sheepishly, but Danielle just stares pointedly at her, her lips curved down into a pout.
“Why didn’t you stay?” she asks bluntly.
Hanni shrugs. “I just… couldn’t.”
“We would have been there for you though. I know that it was kind of uncomfortable because we’re Minji’s friends too, but,” Danielle trails off and Hanni does feel a little guilty.
She hangs her head, “I know that, it’s just, it was too hard to stay.”
“Ah, because,” Danielle cocks her head and Hanni just nods. How else can she describe the hollow feeling in her chest?
“You and Minji always took care of each other,” Danielle says and Hanni can't quite suppress her flinch. “You guys were good together. I know that you’re going through something right now, but you’ll find each other again.”
Hanni swallows thickly.
“Ah–Dani, don’t get my hopes up,” she says jokingly, but it feels weak even to her own ears.
Danielle gives her a warm smile that reminds her of an arm slung around her shoulder after a friendly spar, of shared jokes during mission briefings.
“You should come back even if Minji doesn’t,” Danielle says easily. “We miss you, y’know?”
Hanni just hums noncommittally. “I'll think about it.”
Danielle spends the night in her bed, her soft breathing a comfort in the quiet night. In the morning Hanni cooks both of them breakfast before Danielle has to catch the train back to Busan. She lingers in the apartment like she's afraid to leave Hanni alone.
“I’ll miss you. Tell the others I said hi and that I’m alive,” Hanni says.
Danielle hesitates by the doorframe. She bites at her lip, her eyes gentle.
“You’ve always taken care of us. It's okay to be selfish sometimes. But we're here for you, okay?” she says, and she doesn't leave until Hanni nods back.
And then the door closes.
–
The prototype she’s been giving feedback for finally gets approved–some sort of chain sword gauntlet, and she goes out with her coworkers to celebrate.
Afterwards, she goes to the roof of her apartment building, the alcohol leaving a pleasant buzz in her bones. The humid summer air sticks to her skin, and she breathes out, listening to the cicadas whine. Her heart aches for the sound of crashing waves, the sort of alive feeling of the Shatterdome. Maybe the ghosts there have faded.
She'll miss this view, she thinks, looking up at the sky, but she supposes it's the same sky, the same stars, that's she's looking at.
She buys a train ticket to Busan next week, and messages Jihyo about transferring back.
–
Yunjin runs into her as she’s packing up her desk. She leans against the wall, her arms crossed, watching Hanni shove her few belongings into a box.
“So the rumors are true,” Yunjin says, “you are going back.”
“Ah yeah, I was gonna message you to get lunch one more time before I left,” Hanni puts a mini Kaiju statue–the category 4 that smashed through the skull of her Jaeger–into the cardboard box. It had been a well intentioned, if slightly inappropriate, gift from one of her coworkers–some K-Science guy. Haerin had found it hilarious when she sent a picture.
“Well, I was coming to tell you that they finished repairs and I’m going back to Hong Kong, so it works out I guess.”
“Congrats I think?” Hanni looks up as Yunjin sits at her desk, before she smiles softly, “Thanks for reaching out.”
She wants to say more, but the words get stuck in her throat. Yunjin seems to understand anyway, her eyes shining. She leaves Hanni with a tight hug and bittersweet smile.
“I hope you find what you’re looking for,” she says before she leaves.
And Hanni hopes that's true.
–
She doesn’t remember Busan being this rainy, is her first thought upon landing on the helipad.
The large spotlights from the top of the Shatterdome illuminate the glistening asphalt and the misting droplets of rain. She hears the sound of the ocean, waves crashing against the walls of the Shatterdome, smells the smell of salt permeating the air. She doesn’t linger long on the helipad, seeking the dry warmth inside the dome.
The Shatterdome is never completely quiet, people moving around at all hours, operating heavy machinery, welding the giant armor that Jaegers wear, prepping for the next attack, but the hall to the dorms is more subdued at this hour, the lights dimmed. Her footsteps echo against concrete walls. She and Minji had gotten lucky in securing one of the more apartment-like dorm rooms, with separate rooms and a small shared living space, and Hanni takes a deep breath as she unlocks the heavy metal door, the soft light of the hallway spilling into the kitchen.
The apartment still feels lived in despite its industrial appearance, a throw blanket tossed haphazardly onto the faded couch, a stray empty mug on the counter by the kitchenette. She closes the door instead of closing her eyes, the darkness concealing the little things left behind.
She curses as she trips over a chair leg, and drops her duffel bag to the ground. She could clean up and put things away, but she sees Minji lingering at the stove, Minji reading a journal on the couch, Minji laughing at something on her phone at the table. So she locks herself away in her room, collapsing on the bed.
The apartment still smells like Minji–sweet, and of clean laundry–and it digs deep into her, dredging up memories (even though they've always smelled a little like each other, a product of living together). And it's then that Hanni finally lets herself cry–she lets herself have this one thing–and the sky cries with her.
–
Hanni wakes up after a fitful night of sleep before her alarm. Sunlight streams through the thin window above her bed and she sighs, trying to blink herself awake. It feels right though, waking up to the distant clanking and hissing sounds of the Shatterdome even as the reality of where she is settles into her chest as she really wakes up.
She takes the time to get ready, does the full set of stretches recommended for her arm for once, slowly building up the courage to face the ghosts in the other room. It helps that she's already messaged Danielle to let her know she's coming over. She can make new memories here.
Hanni pulls the door to her room open then freezes, her heart stilling in her chest.
Minji–in the flesh, the real one–stands in the kitchen, staring down at the duffel bag Hanni had dropped last night. She looks tired, is the first thing Hanni thinks, with bags under her eyes, her face still puffy from sleep.
She still looks beautiful, is the second thing Hanni thinks. Minji’s eyes snap up to meet hers and she inhales sharply. They stare at each other for a moment, frozen in place.
“Hanni–”
“Minji?”